Arkadi and Boris Strugatsky. Monday begins on Saturday

 

 

 

BY WAY OF AN INTRODUCTION...

 

 

аааа There is probably hardly a Russian alive who could not at the drop of a

hat recite the opening lines from Pushkin's "Ruslan and Ludmilla," which set

the mood of that fairy tale.а They tell of Lukomoriye, the bight in the sea,

where aа verdant and mighty oak makes a home forа a mermaidа dwelling in its

branches and a prison for a learned cat chained to its trunk. A cat who goes

round and round onа its golden links,а singing on his clockwise journey, and

telling tales when unwinding to the left.

аааа There, in thatа enchantedа land,а are miracles and wonders,а and unseen

beasts wandering by unknown paths in the shadowy woods.

аааа Thereа stands the house аon hen's legs,а without doors orа windows, and

grove and dale are full of visions strange.

аааа There, at dawn, thirty heroes radiant exit from the briny waves, led by

their sea monarch. There, the youthful prince takes the sternа king prisoner

inа passing,а and inа the clouds, theа magicianа isа bearing offа the mighty

warrior.

аааа There the princess languishes in durance with her faithful wolf;а there

Babaа Yagaа ridesа byа inа herа mortarа andа Czarа Koscheiа wastesа awayа in

contemplation ofа hisа golden hoards. There,а in sum, are collected allа the

wonders of Russian folklore.

аааа The Strugatskis, also, makeа use of thisа common cultural background to

set the stage for their tale at the outset and to prepare the reader for the

wonders of hybrid magi-science. Butа be not deceived-- behind theа Daliesque

landscapes, just as in his case, there underlieа superb craftsmanship and an

unyielding adherence to the rules of objective reason.

 

аааа -- Leonid Renen

 

аааа Translator

 

а

 

 

аааа MONDAY BEGINS ON SATURDAY by Arkadi & Boris Strugatski

аааа Translated by Leonid Renen

 

аааа DAW BOOKS, INC. DONALD A. WOLLHEIM, PUBLISHER

аааа 1301 Avenue of the Americas,а New York, N. Y. 10019

аааа ENGLISH TRANSLATION copyright й 1977

аааа by DAW Books, INC.

аааа All Rights Reserved.

аааа Cover art by Bob Pepper.

 

аааа Originally published in Russian by the Young Guard

аааа Publishing House, Moscow, 1966.

аааа Translation by Leonid Renen.

 

аааа FIRST PRINTING, NOVEMBER 1977 PRINTED IN U.S.A.

а

 

 

 

а аа"But whatа is the strangest,а the mostа incomprehensible of all, is the

fact that authors canа undertake such themes-- I confess thisа is altogether

beyond me, really... No, no, I don't understand it at all."

 

аааааааааааааа N.V. Gogol

 

 

а* THE FIRST TALE. Run Around a Sofa *

 

 

Chapter 1

 

 

аааа Teacher: Children, write down the proposition:

аааа "The fish was sitting in a tree."

аааа Pupil: But is it true that fish sit in trees?

аааа Teacher: Well . . . it was a crazy fish.

 

аааа School Joke

 

 

аааа I was approaching my destination. All around,а pressing up againstа the

very edge of theа road,а theа green of theа forest yielded now and then to a

meadow overgrown with yellow sedge. The sun had been setting for an hour and

still couldn't make it,а hangingа low on the horizon.а The car rolled along,

crunching on aа gravel surface. I steered around the bigger rocks,а and each

maneuver caused the empty canisters to rattle and clang in the trunk.

аааа A coupleа of men came out of the woods onа the right and stopped on the

shoulder, looking inа my direction. One of themа raised his hand. I tookа my

foot off the gas,а scrutinizing the pair.а They seemed to be hunters, young,

and maybe a bit older than myself. Deciding I liked their looks, I stopped.

аааа Theа oneа who had raisedа his handа stuck his swarthy, hawk-nosedа face

throughа theа windowа and asked,а grinning, "Couldа you giveа usа a liftа to

Solovetz ?"

аааа The secondа man, with aа reddish beard and without a moustache, peering

over his shoulder, was also smiling. These were positively nice people.

аааа "Sure thing. Get in," I said.а "One in theа front andа one in the back,

Сcause I have some junk on the rear seat."

аааа "A true philanthropist," pronounced the hawk-nosedа one joyfully asа he

slid the gun off his shoulder and sat down next to me.

аааа The beardedа oneа wasа looking through the rear doorа in aа quandary of

indecision and said, "Eh, could you maybe move it a little?"

аааа I leaned over the back ofа the seat andа helped himа clean offа a space

occupiedа byа a sleepingа bagа andа a rolled-up tent.а He sat down gingerly,

placing his gun between his knees.

аааа "Shut the door tighter," I said.

аааа Everythingа wasа goingа alongаа normally.а Theа carа startedа off.а The

hawk-nosed one turned aroundа and startedа anа animated discourse aboutа how

much nicer itа wasа to be riding in a passengerа car than to be traveling on

foot. The bearded one mumbled assentа and keptа slammingа the door. "Pick up

theа poncho,"а Iа counseled,а looking at him through theа rear-viewа mirror.

"You're pinching itа inа theа door." Afterа five minutes everythingа finally

settled down. I asked, "Is it some ten kilometers to Solovetz?"

аааа "Right"а answeredа Hawk-nose,а "or a little more. Though, in truth, the

road isn't very good, made mostly for trucks."

аааа "The road is quite decent,"а I contradicted. "I was promised I couldn't

get through at all."

аааа "On this road you can get through even in the fall."

аааа "Here, maybe but from Korobetz on it's just a plain dirt road."

аааа "It'sа aа dry summerа thisа year;а everythingа isа dried outа fromа the

drought."

аааа "Over byа Zatonyie there haveа been someа rains,а they say,"а noted the

bearded one on the rear seat

аааа "Who said?" asked Hawk-nose.

аааа "Merlin said."

аааа For some reason they bothа laughed. I fished out my cigarettes, lighted

up, and passed them around.

аааа "Clara Tsetkin brand," said Hawk-nose, studying the pack. "Are you from

Leningrad?"

аааа "Yes."

аааа "Touring?"

аааа "Touring," I said. "And you-- are you from around here?"

аааа "Native," said Hawk-nose.

аааа "Me, I am from Murmansk," offered the bearded one.

аааа "Forа Leningrad itа must be all the same-- North, whether it's Murmansk

or Solovetz," said Hawk-nose.

аааа "Well, not really," I said politely.

аааа "Are you going to stop over in Solovetz?" asked Hawk-nose.

аааа "Of course," I said. "It's Solovetz I am going to."

аааа "You have friends or relatives there?"

аааа "No,"а I said, "just going to wait up for some friends. They are taking

the shore route and Solovetz is our rendezvous point"

аааа I sawа a heapа of gravel piled upа ahead, braked,а and said,а "Hangа on

tight" Theа carа bounced andа pitched. Hawk-nose banged his nose onа the gun

barrel. The engine roared, rocks flew up against the undercarriage.

аааа "Poor old car," said Hawk-nose.

аааа "Can't be helped," I said.

аааа "It's not everyone who would drive on a roadа like thisа withа hisа own

car."

аааа "I would," I said. The freshly graveled section came to an end.

аааа "Oh,а so it's notа your own car,"а guessed Hawk-nose withа some tone of

disappointment, it seemed to me. I felt piqued.

аааа "And whatа sense would there beа in buying aа car so you could drive on

pavement? Whereа thereа is pavement there isа nothing ofа interest and where

it's interesting-- there's no pavement."

аааа "Yes, of course," Hawk-nose commented diplomatically.

аааа "It's dumb to make an idol out of a car," I asserted.

аааа "So it is," said the bearded one. "But not everyone thinks so."

аааа We started talking cars and cameа to theа conclusionа that ifа you were

going to buy anything at all, a GAZ-69 would be best, but unfortunately they

were not for sale to the public. Laterа Hawk-nose asked,а "So, where doа you

work?"

аааа I answered, "Colossal!"

аааа Exclaimed Hawk-nose, "A programmer!а That's exactly what we are looking

for. Listen. Quit your institute and join up with us!"

аааа "And what do you have to offer?"

аааа "What do we have?" asked Hawk-nose, turning around.

аааа "Aldan-three," said The Beard.

аааа "A well-endowed machine," I said. "Has it been running well?"

аааа "Well, how shall I say..

аааа "I get it," I said.

аааа "Asа aа matter ofа fact, it hasn'tа been debugged yet," said The Beard.

"Stay here with us and fix it up."

аааа "We'llа arrangeа yourа transferа beforeа you can count toа two,"а added

Hawk-nose.

аааа "What are you working on?" I asked.

аааа "As with all science-- the happiness of man."

аааа "Understood," I said. "Something to do with space?"

аааа "That too," said Hawk-nose.

аааа "Well, you know what they say-- let well enough alone," said I.

аааа "Big city and good pay,"а saidа The Beard in a lowа voice, but Iа heard

him.

аааа "Don't," I said, "don't judge it in terms of money."

аааа "No, really, I was just kidding," said Theа Beard. "It's hisа idea of a

joke," saidа Hawk-nose.а "Youа couldn't find more interesting workа anywhere

else than with us."

аааа "Why do you think so?"

аааа "I am positive."

аааа "But I am not convinced."

аааа Hawk-nose chuckled. "We'll talk aboutа that someа more," heа said. "Are

you going to stay long in Solovetz?"

аааа "Two days maximum."

аааа "So we'll talk on day two."

аааа The Beard announced: "Personally, I see the hand of fate in this. There

we were walking through theа woods and we meet a programmer. I sense that we

are committed."

аааа "You really need a programmer that badly?" I asked.

аааа "Our need is dire indeed."

аааа "I'll talk to the fellows," I promised. "I know some who are unhappy."

аааа "We don'tа needа just any programmer," said Hawk-nose. "Programmers are

in short supply, and are spoiled, but we don't need a prima donna."

аааа "That's more complicated," I said.

аааа Hawk-nose started counting his fingers. "We need a programmerа who: a--

is not spoiled; b-- is a volunteer; c-- is willing to live in a dorm-- "

аааа "D," picked up The Beard, "will take one hundred and twenty rubles."

аааа "And howа about wings?" I asked. "Or, say, a haloа around the head? You

are searching for one in a thousand!"

аааа "But all we need is just that one," said Hawk-nose.

аааа "But what if there's only nine hundred?"

аааа "We'll settle for nine-tenths."

аааа The forest fell away on either side; we crossed a bridge and ranа along

between potato fields.

аааа "Nine o'clock,"а saidа Hawk-nose. "Where areа you planning to spend the

night?"

аааа "I'll sleep in the car. How late are the stores open?"

аааа "The stores are already closed," said Hawk-nose. "You could stay in the

dorm," said The Beard. "I have an extra bunk bed in my room."

аааа "You can't park near the dorm," Hawk-nose said dreamily.

аааа "Yeah, I guess so," said The Beard, chuckling for some private reason.

аааа "We can park the car over by the police," said Hawk-nose.

аааа "That'sа a lotа of folderol,"а saidа The Beard.а "Hereа Iа am prattling

nonsense, and you trail right along. How's he going to get in the dorm?"

аааа "Right, right, damn it," said Hawk-nose. "Quite so; can't get through a

workday without forgetting one of these sidelights."

аааа "How about transvecting him?"

аааа "That's a no-no," said Hawk-nose. "You are not dealing with a sofa, you

know. And you are no Cristobal Junta, and neither am I..."

аааа "Don't worry yourselves," Iа said. "It's not the first timeа I slept in

the car."

аааа Suddenly I feltа aа terrible yen to sleep between sheets.а Itа had been

four nights that I had been sleeping in a bag.

аааа "I've got it," said Hawk-nose. "Ho-ho-- -- Iznakurnozh !"*

 

аааа "Right!" exclaimed The Beard. "Over to Lukomoniye with him!"

 

а

__________

аааа * lzbaа naа kuryikhа nozhkakh:а Log cottageа onа hen's legs, of Russian

folklore.

 

 

 

аааа "Honest to God, I can sleep over in the car," I said.

аааа "You are goingа to sleepа in aа house," said Hawk-nose,а "on relatively

clean sheets. There must be some way we can repay you...."

аааа "Youа wouldn'tа wantа us toа push a ruble on you,а would you?" said The

Beard.

аааа Weа enteredа the town. Ancientа stoutа fences,а mighty log housesа with

blackened timbers and narrowish windows, decorated with filigreed fronts and

the regulation carved wooden cockerels on the roofs, stretched on both sides

of the street. Here and there a dirty brick structure with iron doors evoked

theа half-knownа word forа grain stone. The street was wide and straight and

bore the name аof Peaceа Prospect. Up ahead, towardа the centerа ofа town, I

could make out some two-story town houses with interspersed open squares.

аааа "Turn right at the next alley," said Hawk-nose.

аааа I switched on the turn signal, braked, and turnedа right. Here the road

wasа overgrown with grass,а but a brand-new car manufacturedа in the Ukraine

was snuggled up against oneа of theа gates. House numbers were hung over the

posterns, and the numerals were almost invisible against the rusty tinplate.

The alley was modishlyа titled Lukomoriye Street.* It was rather narrowа and

squeezed between sturdy palisades that must have been erected in those times

when Swedish and Norwegian pirates raided the lands.

аааа "Halt,"а said Hawk-nose. I braked,а and heа bumpedа his nose on the gun

barrel again. "Now, then," heа said, massagingа his nose.а "You waitа for me

here and I will go to arrange everything."

аааа "Really, you shouldn't," I said, for the last time.

аааа "No more arguments. Volodia, keep him in your sights."

аааа Hawk-nose climbed out of theа car,а and, bending down, squeezed through

the low gate. The house was invisible behind the towering gray stockade. The

postern was altogether remarkable, big enough forа a locomotiveа depot, hung

on rusty hinges that must have weighed a stone apiece.

 

а

__________

аааа * A magical place in Russian literature.

 

 

аааа I read theа signs with growingа astonishment. There wereа three. On the

left wing, coldly gleaming with thick glass, there was an imposing blue sign

with silver letters:

 

аааа

а

SRITS Izba on Hen's Legs Monument of Solovetz Antiquity

а

 

 

 

 

аааа On the rightа wing hung a rusty sheet-metal tablet reading,а Lukomoriye

St., No. 13, N.K. Gorynitch,* while under it, in shameless splendor, a piece

of plywood bore in inked letters leaning every which way:

 

аааа CAT OUT OF ORDER

 

аааа Administration

 

а

____________

аааа *а Referenceа toа Zmei Gorynitch,а aа fire-breathing dragonа of Russian

folklore.

 

 

 

 

аааа "What CAT?" I asked. "Committee for Advanced Technology?"

аааа The beardedа one tittered. "Main thing is--а don't worryа about it," he

said. "It'sа quite amusing here with us, but everything will be quiteа under

control."

аааа Iа gotа out of the carа and proceeded to wipe the windshield. Something

suddenly scuffled overhead. I took a look. Settling in and proppingа himself

comfortably on the gateа was a gray-and-white tomcat of gigantic proportions

such as I had never seen before. Having settled himself to his satisfaction,

he bestowed me with a sated and indifferentа gaze outа ofа his yellowа eyes.

"Kiss-kiss-kiss,"а I saidа mechanically. The cat politely butа coldly opened

his huge and toothy jaws, delivered a dull throaty growl, and turned away to

look inside the yard. The voice of Hawk-nose issued thence:

аааа "Basil, old friend, may I be permitted to disturb you?"

аааа The bolt squealed. The cat got up and noiselessly divedа into the yard.

Theа gatesа swayed heavily, there wasа an awful cracking and screeching, and

theа leftа wingа of theа gateа slowlyа swung open,а followed byа Hawk-nose's

straining and reddened face.

аааа "Philanthropist!" he called. "Drive in!"

аааа Iа got back in the carа and slowly droveа into the yard.а Theа yard was

quite extensive. In itsа depths stood a houseа constructed of huge logs, and

inа front of it a squat giant of an oak with a thick, wide, and heavy crown,

which screened the roof from view. A path paved with flagstones led from the

gateа toа theа house, curving aroundа the oak.а Toа the rightа thereа wasа a

vegetable garden,а and toа the left, inа the middleа of theа lawn,а reared a

well-house with windlass, blackened by time and covered with moss.

аааа I parked the car off to the side, turned off the engine, and got out.

аааа Theа bearded Volodia also climbedа out, leaned the gun against the body

of the car, and started to shrug on his rucksack.

аааа "Here you are, all settled," he said.

аааа Hawk-nose was closingа the gatesа withа groaningsа andа squealingsа for

accompaniment while I,а feeling a bit outа of place, was looking about,а not

quite knowing what to do with myself.

аааа "Ah,а andа here'sа theа landlady!"а cried The Beard.а "Andа how beа ye,

Granny-, Naina, light of my eyes, Kievna!

аааа Theа landlady must have been well onа the other side ofа a hundred. She

cameа toward us slowly, leaning onа a knobby cane, dragging her feet clad in

feltа bootsа withа galoshes over them. Herа face was aа darkа sepiaа webа of

wrinkles,а out ofа which jutted a nose as sharp and curved as a yatagan. and

her eyes peered pale and dim, as though obscured by cataracts.

аааа "Greetings, greetings, my young one," she pronounced in an unexpectedly

resonant basso. "So this will be the new programmer? Hello, friend, welcome,

and make yourself at home!"

аааа Iа bowed, feeling well advised toа keep quiet. Overа the black kerchief

tied under herа chin,а the old hag's headа wasа covered with aа nylon scarf,

which was gaily decorated with a picture of the Atomium and bearing the same

inscription in several languages: Brussels World Fair. Sparse bristles stuck

out under her nose and onа her chin. She was dressed in black broadcloth and

a quilted vest

аааа "Here's the situation, Nainaа Kievna," said Hawk-nose, wiping rust from

his palms.а "We haveа toа put upа ourа new colleagueа forа two nights. May I

present.. - Mmm..

аааа "Don'tа bother," said theа crone, riveting me with her gaze. "I can see

for myself. Privalov, Alexanderа Ivanovich,а 1938,а male, Russian, member of

VLKSM, no,а no, hasа not participated, had not, wasа not,а but will have, my

crystal one, a long, long roadа and anа interest in a governmentа house, and

what you should fear and avoid,а my very diamond, is an ill-willed redheaded

man, and won't you gild my palm, my precious. . .

аааа "Ha-hm!" Hawk-nose pronounced loudly, and the crone stopped short.

аааа "Just call meа Sasha.а . . ." Iа squeezedа out theа previously prepared

phrase.

аааа "And where shall I put him?" inquired the crone.

аааа "In the spare room,а of course," said Hawk-nose in a somewhat irritated

manner.

аааа "And who will be responsible?"

аааа "Nainaа Kievna!"а roared Hawk-noseа inа the bestа rollingа tonesа ofа a

provincial tragedian.а He grabbed the old hag underа the arm and dragged her

off toward the house. You could hear them arguing.

аааа "But we agreed!"

аааа "And what if he swipes something?"

аааа "Can't youа be quiet!а Heа is a programmer,а don'tа youа understand?а A

Comsomol! Well educated!"

аааа "And what if he starts sucking his teeth?"

аааа I turned toward Volodia, ill at ease. Volodia tittered.

аааа "It's a bit embarrassing," I said.

аааа "Don't worry; it's going to work outа just fine .а . ." He was going to

sayа something else, when the croneа startedа shouting: "And theа sofa-- how

about the sofa?"

аааа I started nervously andа said, "You know what? I thinkа I'dа better go,

no?

аааа "Let's haveа no more of that kindа ofа talk," Volodiaа said decisively.

"Everything will be workedа out. It's just that the old woman isа looking to

have her due, and Roman and I don't have any cash."

аааа "I will pay," I said. Now Iа wanted to leaveа very badly. I can't stand

these so-called daily-life collisions.

аааа Volodiaа shookа hisа head.а "Nothingа ofа theа sort.а Hereаа heа comes.

Everything's in order."

аааа Theа hawk-nosedа Romanа came up toа us, took me byа theа arm, and said,

"Well, it's all fixed. Let's go."

аааа "Listen.а It doesn't feel right, somehow," I said.а "After all, sheа is

not obliged..

аааа But we were already on the way to the house.

аааа "She is obliged-- she is obliged," repeated Roman.

аааа Having circumnavigated the oak, we cameа up to the rear entrance. Roman

pushed on theа naugahyde-covered door,а and weа found ourselves inа a large,

clean but poorly lighted entryway. The old hag waited for us with compressed

lips, and hands folded on her stomach.

аааа Atа the sight of us,а she boomed out vindictively, "And the statement--

let's have that statement now! Stating thus and so:а have receivedа such and

such, from such and such; which person has turnedа overа the above-mentioned

to the undersigned. . .

аааа Romanа yelped weakly, andа we entered the assigned room.а Itа was cool,

with a single window hung with a calico curtain.

аааа Roman said in a tense voice, "Make yourself at home."

аааа The oldа woman immediately inquired from the entry in aа jealousа tone,

"And he won't be sucking his teeth?"

аааа Roman barked without turningа around, "No,а heа won't! I'm tellingа you

there are no teeth to worry over."

аааа "Then let's go and write up the statement."

аааа Romanа raisedа his eyebrows, rolled his eyes, shook his head, but still

left the room. I looked around. There wasn't much furniture. A massive table

covered with a sere gray cloth with aа fringe stoodа by theа window,а and in

front of it--а a rickety stool. Aа vastа sofa was placed against a bare wood

wall, and a wardrobe stood against the other wall, whichа was decorated with

assortedа wallpaper. The wardrobe was stuffedа with oldа trashа (felt boots,

bald fur coats, torn caps, and earmuffs) - A large Russian stove jutted into

the room resplendentа withа fresh calcimine,а and a large murky mirrorа in a

peeling frame hung in the opposite corner. The floor was scouredа cleanа and

covered with striped runners.

аааа Two voices boomed on in a duet behind theа wall: the old woman'sа voice

buzzed on the same note; Roman's went up and down.

аааа "Tablecloth, inventory number two hundred and forty-five.. .

аааа "Are you going to list each floorboard?"

аааа "Table, dining...

аааа "Put down the stove, too."

аааа "You must be orderly.... Sofa. ..

аааа Iа went up to the window and drew the curtain. Outside was the oak, and

nothing else could be seen. Quite evidently it was a truly ancient tree. Its

bark wasа gray and somehowа dead looking, and its monstrous roots, which had

worked out of the ground, were coveredа with red-and-white lichen. "Put down

theа oak, too!"а said Roman behindа the wall. A fat, greasy book layа on the

windowsill. I ruffled itа absentmindedly, came away from the window, and sat

downа on the sofa. All at once, I felt sleepy. Remembering that I had driven

the carа forа fourteen hours that day, Iа decided that perhaps there wasа no

point in all this rush, that my back ached, that everythingа was jumbledа in

my head, that I didn't give a hang about the tiresome hag, and that I wished

everything would get settled so I could lie down and go to sleep....

аааа "There you are," said Roman, appearing in the doorway. "The formalities

are over." He waved his hands, fanning ink-stainedа fingers. "Our digits are

fatigued; we wrote and wrote.а . . . Go to bed. Weа are leaving, and you can

rest easy. What are you doing tomorrow?"

аааа "Wait," I said, listless.

аааа "Where?"

аааа "Here, and at the post office."

аааа "You'll not leave tomorrow . .. chances are?"

аааа "Probably not. Most likely-- the day after tomorrow."

аааа "Then we'll see you again. Our liaison is still ahead of us." He smiled

and went out with aа wave of his hand. I should see him out and say good-bye

toа Volodia, I thoughtа lackadaisically, and lay down. And there was the old

woman in the room again. I got up. She looked hard at me for some time.

аааа "I fearа me, old fellow, that you'll beа smacking through yourа teeth,"

she said.

аааа "No I won't be," I said. Then, exhausted, "It's sleeping I'll be."

аааа "Then lie down and sleep. . . . Just pay me and welcome to snooze."

аааа I reached for my wallet in the back pocket. "What do I owe you?"

аааа The crone raised her eyesа toа the ceiling. "Let's say aа ruble for the

quarters. . . Fifty kopecks forа theа bed-clothes--а that's my own, not G.I.

For two nights, that comes out toа be three rubles.а . . . As to what you'll

throw in for generosity's sake-- that's forа my troubles, you know--а that I

couldn't say...

аааа I proffered her a five-ruble note.

аааа "Makeа it a rubleа out of generosity for now," said I, "and thenа we'll

see."

аааа Theа croneа snatchedа the moneyа and retired, muttering something about

change. She was absent a fair time and I wasа about to forget the change and

the bed-sheets, but she came back and laid a handful of dirty coppers on the

table.

аааа "And here's your change, governor," she said. "One nice ruble, exactly;

you needn't count."

аааа "I won't count," I said. "How about the sheets?"

аааа "I'llа make your bed rightа away. You goа takeа a walk in the yard, and

I'll get right to it."

аааа I went out, extricating my pack of cigarettes.а The sun had finally set

andа theа whiteа nightа had arrived.а Dogsа wereа barking somewhereа inа the

distance. Iа sat down by the oak on a garden bench thatа had sunkа intoа the

ground, lighted up,а and stared at theа pale, starless sky. The cat appeared

noiselesslyа out of somewhere, glanced at me with hisа fluorescent eyes, and

thenа rapidlyа climbed upа theа oak and disappeared in its foliage. I forgot

aboutа him at once, and started whenа he began pottering above me. Some sort

ofа rubbish fell on my head.а "You darned .а .а ."а I said aloud, andа shook

myself. The desire to sleepа became overwhelming. Theа croneа cameа out, and

wended her way toа the well, not seeing me. I took this to mean that the bed

was ready, and went back to the room.

аааа Theа perverse crone had madeа myа bed on the floor. Oh noа you don't, I

thought, slid the bolt on the door, dragged the beddingа over onto the sofa,

andа began to undress. The somber light fell through the window; the cat was

thrashing about noisily in the oak. I shook my head, to dislodge the rubbish

fromа myа hair.а Itа was strangeа and unexpected rubbish:а largish dryа fish

scales.а Prickly to sleep on, Iа thought.а Iа fellа onа theа pillow andа was

immediately asleep.

 

Chapter 2

 

 

аааааа ...а Theа deserted house became the lair of foxes and badgers, and

that is why weird spirits and shape-shifters can now appear here.

 

аааааааааааааа A. Weda

 

 

 

аааа I woke up in the middle of the night because aа conversationа was going

onа in theа room. Two voices were talking in a barely audible whisper.а They

were veryа similar, but oneа wasа aа bitа stifled and hoarse andа theа other

betrayed an extreme irritation.

аааа "Stopа wheezing,"а whispered the irritatedа one. "Can'tа you do without

it?"

аааа "I can," responded the stifled one, and began to hack.

аааа "Be quiet!" hissed the irritated voice.

аааа "It's the wheezes," explained the stifled one. "Theа morningа coughа of

the smoker... ." He started hacking again.

аааа "Get out of here," said the irritated one.

аааа "He is asleep, in any case..."

аааа "Who is he? Where did he come from?"

аааа "How should I know?"

аааа "What a disgusting development . . . such phenomenal bad luck."

 

аааа Againа theа neighborsа can'tа get toа sleep, Iа thought, halfа awake. I

imaginedа Iа wasа atа home.а Iа haveа theseа neighborsа there,а twoа brother

physicists, whoа adore working throughа the night. Toward two A.M. theyа run

out of cigarettes and then they invade myа room andа start feeling about for

them, banging the furniture and cursing at each other.

аааа Iа grabbedа the pillow and flungа it at random.а Something fell withа a

crash, and then silence ensued.

аааа "Youа can returnа myа pillow,"а Iа said,а "and welcomeа toа leave.а The

cigarettes are on the table."

аааа The soundа of my own voice awakened me completely. I sat up.а Somewhere

dogsа wereа barkingа despondently;а behind theа wallа the oldа womanа snored

menacingly. At last I remembered where I was. There was nobody in the room.

аааа In the dimа light I sawа the pillow on the floor and the trash that had

fallen fromа theа wardrobe.а Theа old crone will have myа head,а Iа thought,

jumping up. The floor was icy and I stepped over on the runners. The snoring

stopped. I froze. The floorboards creaked; something crackled and rustled in

the corners. The crone gave a deafening whistle and continued her snoring. I

picked up the pillow and threw it on the sofa. The trash smelled of dog. The

hanger rod had fallen offа its support on oneа side. Iа re-hung it and began

picking up the old trash.а No sooner hadа I hung up the last coat, thanа the

poleа cameа away again and,а sliding alongа the wallpaper,а hung by one nail

again. The croneа stopped snoring and Iа turnedа cold with sweat. Somewhere,

nearby,а aа cockа crowedа loudly.а Toа theа soupа potа with you,а Iа thought

venomously. The crone behind the wall set to turning, the bedspring snapping

and creaking. I waited, standing on one foot

аааа Someone in the yard said softly, "Time for bed; we have sat up too long

today." The voice was youthful and female.

аааа "So be it, it's offа to sleep," responded the other voice.а There was a

protracted yawn.

аааа "No more splashing for you today?"

аааа "It's too cold. Let's go bye-bye."

аааа Allа wasа quiet.а The oldа hagа growled andа muttered,а andа I returned

cautiously to the sofa. I'll get up early in the morning and fixа everything

up properly.

 

аааа Iа turned onа my rightа side, pulled the blanketа over myа ear,а and it

suddenly became crystal clear to me that I wasn't at all sleepy-- that I was

hungry. Oh-oh, Iа thought. Severe measures hadа to be taken atа once, andа I

took them.

аааа Consider,а for instance,а a system ofа integralа equations ofа the type

commonlyа foundа inа starа statistics:а both unknownsа are functionsа toа be

integrated.а Naturallyа theа onlyа solutionsа possibleа areа byаа successive

numericalа approximationsа and onlyа withа computers suchа asа theа RECM.а I

recalledа our RECM. The main control panel isа paintedа theа color of boiled

cream. Gene is laying a package on the panel and is opening it unhurriedly.

аааа "What have you got?"

аааа "Mineа is withа cheeseа andа sausage." Polish, lightly smoked, in round

slices.

аааа "Poorа you, it's married youа shouldа be. I have cutlets, withа garlic,

home-made. And a dill pickle."

аааа No, there are two dill pickles . . . . Four cutlets, and to make things

even, four pickles. And four pieces of buttered bread.

аааа Iа threw off the blanket and sat up. Maybe thereа was something left in

theа car?а No--а I had alreadyа cleanedа out everything thereа was. The only

remaining item was the cookbook that I had got for Valya's mother, who lived

in Liezhnev.

 

аааа Let's see, how does it go? Sauce piquant . . . half a glass of vinegar,

two onions, and aа pinch of pepper. Served with meat dishes. . . . I can see

itа now with miniature steaks. What a rotten trick, I thought, notа just any

old steaks, but miniature ones. I jumped up and ran to the window. The night

air was distinctly ladenа with the odor of miniature beefsteaks. Out of some

nether depths of myа subconscious this floated up: "Such dishes were usually

served himа in the tavernsа as: marinatedа vegetable soup, brains with fresh

peas,а picklesа [Iа swallowed], and theа perpetualа layerа cake..."а Iа must

distract myself, I thought, andа took the book on the windowsill. It was The

Gloomy Morning by Alexis Tolstoi. I opened it at random.

аааа "Makhno,а havingа brokenаа theаа sardineа canаа opener,а pulledа outа a

mother-of-pearl knife with halfа a hundred blades, andа continued to operate

withа it, openingа tins with pineapple [Now I've had it, Iа thought], French

pтtщ, with lobsters, which filled the room with a pungent smell."

ааа аGingerly I put down the book and sat down on the stool by the table. At

onceа a strong, appetizingа odor permeated the room: itа mustа have been the

odor of lobsters.а I began to ponder why I had never tried a lobster before,

or, say, oysters. With Dickens, everybody eats oysters; working with folding

knives, they cut huge slabs of bread, spread them thickly with butter. . . .

I began to smooth the tablecloth with nervous movements. On it, latentа food

stains appeared clearly visible. Much and tasty eating has beenа done on it,

I thought. Probably lobstersа and brains with peas. Or miniature steaks with

sauce piquant. Also large and medium-sized steaks. People must haveа sighed,

replete with food, and sucked their teeth in huge satisfaction. There was no

cause for sighing and so I took to sucking my teeth.

аааа Iа must have been doing it loudlyа and ravenously because the old woman

behindа theа wallа creakedа herа bed,а muttered angrily,а rattledа something

noisily, and suddenlyа entered myа room. She had on a longа gray nightshirt,

and she was carrying a plate, so that a genuine and not an imaginary odor of

food spread through the room. She was smiling, and set the plate directly in

front of me and rumbled sweetly, "Dig in,а dear friend Alexander Petrovitch.

Help yourself to what God has sent, by his unworthy messenger....

аааа "Really now, really, Naina Kievna," I was stammering, you shouldn't let

me disturb you so....

аааа But my hand was already holdingа a fork withа a hornа handle, which had

appeared from somewhere, and I began to eat while the old woman stood by and

nodded and repeated, "Eat, my friend, eat to your health. . ."

аааа And I ate it all. The dish was baked potatoes with melted butter.

аааа "Naina Kievna," I said earnestly, "you have savedа me from starvingа to

death."

аааа "Finished?"а saidа Nainaа Kievna,а inа aа voiceа somehowа taintedа with

hostility.

аааа "Yes, and magnificently fed. A tremendous thanks to you! You can't even

imagine how-- "

аааа "What'sа there to imagine?" she interrupted, now definitelyа irritated.

"Filled up, I say? Then give me the plate.... The plate I say!"

аааа "P-please," I mumbled.

аааа "СPlease and please.' I have to feed you types for a please..."

 

аааа "I can pay," said I, growing angry.

аааа "СI can pay, I can pay.'" She went to theа door. "And what if this sort

of thing is not paid for at all? And you needn't have lied..."

аааа "What do you mean-- lied?"

аааа "Lied, that's how. You said yourself you wouldn't suck your teeth!"

аааа She fell silent and disappeared through the door.

 

аааа What's with her? I thought. A strange old bag. .

 

аааа Maybe sheа noticed theа clothes rack?а There was theа sound of creaking

springsа asа sheа tossedа in her bed, grumbling andа complaining.а Thenа she

startedа singing softly to some barbarous tune: "I'll roll andа I'll wallow,

fed up on Ivash's meat."

аааа Cold night airа drew from the window. Shivering, I got up toа return to

the sofa, and it dawnedа on me that Iа had lockedа the door before retiring.

Discomfited, I approached the door and reached out to check the bolt, but no

sooner had myа hand touchedа theа cold iron, thanа everything beganа to swim

before my eyes. I was, inа fact, lying on the sofa, facedownа in the pillow,

my finger feeling the cool logs of the wall.

аааа I layа there forа some time in a state of shock, slowing growingа aware

that the old hag wasа snoringа away somewhere nearby, and a conversation was

in progress in the room. Someone was declaiming tutorially in a quiet tone:

аааа "The elephant is the largest of allа theа animals on earth. On his face

there is a large lumpа ofа meat,а which is called a trunk because it's empty

and hollow likeа a pipe. He bends and stretches it every which way andа uses

it in place of a hand. .."

ааа аGrowing icy coldа and curious, I turned over gingerly on my right side.

The room was as empty as before. The voice continued, even more didactic.

аааа "Wine, used in moderation, is exceedingly salutary for the stomach; but

when drunk to excess, itа produces vapors that debase the human to the level

of dumb animals. You haveа seen drunks on occasion,а andа still remember the

righteous indignation that welled up in you.. .

аааа I sat up with a jerk, lowering my feet to the floor. The voice stopped.

It wasа my impressionа that it wasа comingа from somewhere behind theа wall.

Everythingа inа theа roomа wasа asа before;а evenа theа coatа rack,а toаа my

astonishment, hung in itsа proper place. Andа to my further surprise, Iа was

again very hungry.

аааа "Tincture, exа vitro ofа antimony,"а announced theа voiceа abruptly.а I

shivered. "Magiphterium antimon angelii salae. Bafllii oleum vitri antimonii

elixiteriumа antimoiale!"а There was the sound ofа frankа tittering. "What a

delirium!" said the voiceа and continued, ululating.а "Soon these eyes,а not

yet defeated, will no longer see the sun, but let them not be shut ere being

told of my forgiveness and salvation. .

аааа Thisа beа fromа Theа Spirit orа Moralа Thoughts ofа the Renownedа Jung.

Extracted from his Nighttime Meditations. Sold in Saint Petersburg and Riga,

in the bookstoreа ofа Sveshnikov forа twoа rubles inа hard cover."а Somebody

sobbed.а "That,а too, isа delirium,"а saidа the voice,а andа declaimedа with

expression:

аааа "Titles, wealth, and beauty,

аааа Life's total booty.

аааа They fly, grow weaker, disappear

аааа O, ashes! and happiness is fakel

аааа Contagion gnaws the heart

аааа And fame cannot be kept..."

аааа Now Iа understood where theyа were talking.а Theа voiceа came fromа the

corner, where the murky mirror hung.

аааа "And now," said the voice, "the following:а СEverything isа the unified

I:а thisа Iа is cosmic. The union with disunion, arising from the eclipse of

enlightenment, the I sublimates with spiritual attainment.'"

аааа "And whereа isа thatа derivedа from?"а I said. I wasа notа expecting an

answer. I was convinced I was asleep.

аааа "Sayings from the Upanishads," the voice replied readily.

аааа "And what are the Upanishads?" I wasn't sure I was asleep anymore.

аа аа"I don't know," said the voice.

аааа I got up and tiptoed to the mirror.а I couldn't seeа my reflection. The

curtain, the corner ofа the stove,а and a whole lot of things were reflected

in the cloudy glass. But I wasn't among them.

аааа "What's the matter?" asked the voice. "Are there questions?"

аааа "Who's talking?" Iа asked, peering behind the mirror. Many dead spiders

andа a lotа of dust were there. Then I pressedа myа leftа eye withа my index

finger. This was anа old formula for detectingа hallucinations, which Iа had

readа in To Believe or Notа to Believe?, the gripping book by B. B. Bittner.

It isа sufficient to press onа the eyeball, andа allа the realа objects,а in

contradistinctionа to theа hallucinated,а willа double.а The mirror promptly

divided into two and my worriedа and sleep-dulled face appeared in it. There

wasа a draft on my feet. Curling my toes,а I went toа the windowа and looked

out.

аааа Thereа wasа nobody there and neither wasа the oak. I rubbed my eyes and

looked again. Theа moss-covered frame of the well with its windlass, my car,

and the gates were distinctly visible directly in front of me. Still asleep,

I decided, to calmа myself. Myа glance fellа onа the disheveledа book on the

windowsill.а In the last dream,а it wasа the аthirdа volumeа of Lives of the

Martyrs; now I readа the title as: P.I.а Karpov, Creativity of theа Mentally

Ill andа Its influence onа the Development ofа Science, Art, and Technology.

Teeth chattering from a sudden chill, I thumbed the pages and looked through

the colored illustrations. Next I read "Verse No. 2":

аааа Up high in a cumulus ring

аааа An ebon-winged sparrow

аааа With loneliness shuddering

аааа Glides swift as an arrow.

аааа He flies through the night

аааа By the pale moonlight

аааа And, through all undaunted,

аааа Sees all below him.

аааа Proud predator enraged

аааа Flying silent as a shadow,

аааа Eyes ablaze with fire.

аааа Theа floorа suddenly swayedа beneathа me.а Thereа wasа aа piercingа and

prolonged creaking, then, like the rumble of a distant earthquake, sounded a

rolling "Ko-o .а . . Ko-o. . .Ko-o . . ." The house swayed as though it were

aа boatа inа theа waves. Theа yardа behind the windowа slid sideways, andа a

gargantuan chicken leg stretched out fromа beneath, stuck its claws into the

ground, rakedа deep furrows in the grass,а andа disappeared below. The floor

tilted steeply, and I sensed thatа I was falling.а I grabbed something soft,

struckа something solidа with head and side, and fell offа theа sofa.а I was

lying on the boards clutching theа pillow thatа had fallen with me.а Itа was

quiteа brightа in theа room.а Behindа the window somebodyа wasа methodically

clearing his throat.

аааа "So-o,а thenа .а . ." saidа aа well-poisedа maleа voice. "Inа a certain

kingdom, in an ancient tsardom, there was andа lived a tsar by the name of .

.а . mmm . . . well, anyway, it's really not all that important. Let's say .

. . me-eh . . . Polouekt. Heа had three sons.а tsareviches. Theа first . . .

me-eh ... the third was an imbecile, but the first...?"

аааа Bending down like a trooper under fire, I sneaked up toа the window and

looked out. The oak was in itsа place. Tomcat Basil stood onа hisа hind legs

with his back to it, immersed in deep thought. In his teeth, heа clamped the

stemа ofа aа waterа lily.а He kept looking downа at his feetа and sounding a

drawn-out "Me-eh-eh." Then he shookа his head, put his front legs behind his

back,а and, hunching over like aа lecturing professor, glidedа smoothly away

from the oak.

аааа "Very well," he enunciatedа through his teeth.а "So,а onceа upon a time

thereа livedа aа tsar andа tsarina. And they hadа oneа son...а me-eh..а . an

imbecile, naturally..."

аааа Chagrined, heа spit out the flower, and, frowningа mightily, rubbed his

forehead.

аааа "A desperate situation,"а he stated. "But Iа do remember this and that!

СHa-ha-ha! There'll be something to feast on: a stallion for dinner, a brave

lad for supper.'а Now, whereа would that be from? But, Ivan,а you can figure

out forа yourself, theа imbecile replies: СHey, you,а revolting monstrosity,

stuffingа yourself beforeа youа caught the snow-whiteа swan!' Andа later, of

course,а the temperedа arrow and off with all the threeа heads. Ivan removes

the threeа hearts and carts them home to hisа mother; the cretin. . . . Now,

how do you like that forа a gift!" Theа cat laughedа sardonically, andа then

sighed. "Then there is that sickness-- sclerosis," he remarked.

аааа Sighing again, heа turned back toward the oak and began to sing. "Krou,

krou, my little ones! Krou, krou, my pigeonlets! I... me-eh... I slaked your

thirst with the dew of my eyes . . . more exactly-- watered you. .

аааа He sighed for the thirdа time and walkedа on silently for some time. As

heа reached the oak,а heа yelledа out abruptlyа inа a very unmusicalа voice,

"Choice morsel she finished not!"

аааа A massive psaltery suddenly appearedа inа his paws; I didn't noticeа at

all how he came by it. Desperately he struck with his paw, and, catching the

strings with his claws, bellowed even louder,а as though trying to drown out

the music:

 

аааа "Doss im tann void foster ist

аааа Doss macht dos hoitz

аааа Dass... me-eh ... mein shatz... or katz?"

 

аааа He stopped and pacedа a while, banging the strings in silence;а then he

sang in a low, uncertain voice:

аааа "Oi, I been by that there garden That I'll tell as gospel truth:

аааа Thus and snappy, They dug the poppy."

а аааHeа returned to theа oak, leaned the psaltery against it, and scratched

behind his ear with a hind leg.

аааа "Work, work, work," he said, "and nothing but work!"

аааа He placed hisа paws behind hisа back again and went offа to the left of

the oak,а muttering, "It has come to me, oh great tsar, that in the splendid

city of Baghdad, there lived aа tailor, by the name . . ." He dropped to all

fours,а archedа his back, and hissed angrily.а "It's especially bad with the

names! Abu . . . Auа . .а . Somebodyа Ibn, whoever. . . .а So-o,а all right,

let'sа say Polouekt.а Polouektа Ibn, me-eh.а . .а Polouektovich. .. . In any

event, Iа can'tа recallа whatа happenedа toа him.а Dog take it,а let's start

another."

аааа I lay with my stomach onа the sill in a trance-like state, watching the

unfortunate Basilа wandering about the oak, now toа the left and then to the

right, muttering, coughing, meowing and mooing, standing on all fours in his

efforts-- in a word, suffering endlessly. The diapason of hisа knowledge was

truly grandiose. Heа did notа know a single tale or song more thanа halfway,

but to make upа for this, the repertoire includedа Russian, Ukrainian,а West

Slavic,а German, English-- Iа thinkа even Japanese,а Chinese,а and African--

fairyа tales,а legends,а sermons,а ballads, songs,а romances,а ditties,а and

refrains.а The misfunction drove himа into such a rage that several times he

flungа himself at the oak, ripping itsа bark withа hisа claws,а hissingа and

spittingа whileа his eyesа glowed with a satanicа gleamа and his furry tail,

thickа as aа log, would now point atа the zenith, then twitch spasmodically,

then lash his sides. But the only song he carried to the endа wasа "Tchizhik

Pizhic,"* and the onlyа fairy tale he recounted atа allа coherently was "The

Houseа thatа Jackа Built"а in the Marshakа translation, andа evenа that with

several excisions. Gradually--а apparently fatiguing-- hisа speechа acquired

more and moreа catlike accent. "Ah me, in the field andа meadow,"а heа sang.

"the plow goes by itself, and . . . me-e . . . ah . . . me-a-ou...and behind

that plowа the master himself hasа paced... or is it wended his way . . . ?"

Finally, altogether spent, he satа down on his tail and stayed thus for some

time, his head bent low. Then, meowing softly and sorrowfully, heа tookа the

psaltery under his arm and wandered offа onа theа dewyа grass, haltinglyа on

three legs.

аааа I climbed off the sillа and droppedа the book.а I distinctly remembered

that the last time it was Creativity ofа the Mentally Ill, and was sure that

was the book whichа hadа fallenа on the floor. But the book I pickedа up and

placed on the sill was The Solution ofа Crimes by A. Swanson and O. Wendell.

Dullyа Iа opened it, scanned aа few samples,а and at once I was sure thatа I

sensed there was someone strangled hanging in the oak. Fearfully I raised my

eyes.а Fromа the lower branches,а aа wetа silvery sharkа tailа hung. Itа was

swinging heavily in the gusts of the morning wind.

аааа I shied violentlyа and struck the back of my headа on something hard. A

telephone rang loudly. I looked around. I was lyingа crosswise onа the sofa,

the blanketа had slid to theа floor, and the earlyа sun was shining into the

window through the oak leaves.

 

 

 

 

 

а

_______

аааа * Common children's song

 

Chapter 3

 

 

аааа It entered my head that the usual interview with

аааа the devil or a magician could be successfully

аааа replaced by a skillful exploitation of the postulates of science.

 

ааааааааааааа аH. G. Wells

 

 

 

 

аааа The phone kept ringing. I rubbed my eyes, gazed through the window (the

oak was in its place), studied the coat hanger (it, too, was in place).а The

telephone keptа on. Behind the wall it was quiet in the old woman's room. So

I leaped to the floor, opened theа door (the bolt was shot), and came out in

the entry. The telephone rang insistently. It stood on a shelf above a large

water cask-- a quite modern whiteа plastic phone, such as I have seen in the

movies and the director's office. I picked up the receiver.

аааа "Hello."

аааа "Who's this?" asked a piercing female voice.

аааа "Whom do you want?"

аааа "Is that Izbakurnozh?"

аааа "What?"

аааа "I am saying-- is it the Izba on Hen's Legs or not? Who is talking?"

аааа "Yes," I said. "It's the Izba. Whom do you want?"

аааа "Oh, hell," said the voice. "Take this telephonogram."

аааа "Let's have it."

аааа "Write it down."

аааа "One minute," I said. "I'll get pencil and paper."

аааа I brought over a notebook and a pencil.

аааа "I am listening."

аааа "Telephonogram number two hundred andа six," said the female voice, "to

Citizeness Gorynitch, Naina Kievna.

аааа "Not so fast. . . . Kievna. . . . Next?"

аааа "You areа herebyа requested . . . toа appear today the twenty-eighth of

July . . . ofа this yearа .а . . at midnightа . . .а at the annual all-union

fly-in. ... Have you got that down?"

аааа "I have."

аааа "Theа firstа meetingа willа take place .а . . on Bald Mountain.а Formal

dress. Employment of mechanized transport atа your own expense. Signed . . .

Department Manager...Eich ... Em... Viy..."*

аааа "Who?"

аааа "Viy! Eich Em Viy."

аааа "I don't understand."

аааа "Viy! Khron Monadovitch. Don't you know the department manager?"

аааа "I don't know him," I said. "Spell it."

аааа "Hell's bells! All right: Vampire, incubus, yang-yin... Have you got it

down?"

аааа "I think so," I said. "It comes out: Viy."

аааа "Who?"

аааа "Do you have polyps or something? I can't understand you."

аа аа"Vladimir, Ivan, Yakov."

аааа "Right. Repeat the telephonogram." I repeated it.

аааа "Correct. Sent by Onoukina. Who took it?"

аааа "Privalov."

 

 

а

___________

аааа * Leader of ghost goblins and supernatural monsters.

 

 

 

аааа "Greetings,а Privalov! Been in service here long?" "Poodlesа serve,"а I

said angrily. "I work!"

аааа "Good, good. Work on. See you at the fly-in."

аааа Tones sounded.а I hung up and returned to my room. The morning was cool

so I did my setting-up exercises hurriedly and dressed. What was transpiring

seemedа exceedingly curious and interesting to me. Theа telephonogram seemed

to associateа strangely in myа consciousnessа withа the events of the night,

although I had no specific idea whatsoever exactly in what way. However that

might be, certain ideasа wereа beginning to circulateа inа myа head,а and my

imagination was definitely aroused.

аааа Everything that I was here witness to, was not altogether unfamiliar to

me. I had read of suchа incidentsа before and remembered how the behavior of

peopleаа findingаа themselvesаа inа analogousаа situationsа seemedаа toаа me

extraordinarily and irritatingly inept.а Insteadа ofа fullyа exploitingа the

enticingа perspectivesа that wereа presented toа themа throughа aа fortunate

opportunity,а they becameа frightened and struggled to return themselvesа to

theа humdrum and routine.а One such exponent actually advisedа the reader to

keep aа good distance from theа veilа dividingа our worldа from the unknown,

threatening physicalа and spiritual maiming.а I didа notа yet knowа howа the

events would develop, but I was alreadyа prepared toа immerse myself in them

enthusiastically.

аааа Wandering about the room in search of aа pitcher or mug, I went on with

myа innerаа discourse.аа Theseаа poltroons,а Iа thought,а resembledа certain

scientist-experimenters--а very persistent,а very hard-working, butа totally

lacking inа imaginationа and consequently very cautious. Havingа obtainedа a

non-trivial result, they shied away from it, precipitately explainingа it as

experimental contamination,а andа were in fact fleeingа from the innovative,

because they were, in truth, muchа too tiedа to the old concepts comfortably

pigeonholed within the boundaries ofа authoritative theories.а I was already

designing some experiments with the shape-shifter book--а it was still lying

on the sill, but was now Theа Last Exile by Oldridge-- and withа theа mirror

and withа tooth-sucking. I had severalа questions for tomcat Basil, andа the

mermaid living inа the oakа also presentedа aа definite puzzle, althoughа at

times it seemed to me that I had only dreamed of her. I have nothing against

mermaids, but I couldn't picture howа one couldа be climbing trees...... But

on the other hand, what about the scales?

аааа I foundа a dipper on the bucketа by the telephone, butа theа bucket was

empty andа Iа went off to theа well.а The sun had already risen quiteа high.

There was the distant bum of cars, a policeman's whistle, and the sound of a

helicopter making its way ponderously across the sky. I approached theа well

and,а notingа with satisfactionа that aа batteredа tinа bucket hung from the

chain, began to unwind the windlass. The bucket, bouncing on the walls, went

down intoа the black depth.а There was a splash, theа chain growing tight. I

turned theа crank, eyeing myа car,а whichа hadа aа tired,а dirtyа look,а the

windshield plastered with bugs. I decided it would be a good idea to fill up

the radiator.

аааа The bucket seemedа inordinately heavy. When I stood itа on the frame, a

huge pike's head poked out of the water, all green and mossy. I jumped back.

аааа "Goingа to dragа meа offа toа the marketа again?"а inquiredа theа pike,

hiccuping strongly. Bewildered, I kept quiet. "Can't you let me be in peace?

Will you never haveа enough, biddy?а How much can oneа stand? No sooner do I

quiet down, to relax and doze a bit, than I get hauled out again! After all,

I'm notа young anymore-- older than you maybe. .. . The gillsа don't work so

well,а either. .а . ." It was quite funny to see how she talked, just like a

pike in the puppet theater. She openedа and closed her toothy jaws withа all

herа might and with a disturbing lack of synchronization with the pronounced

sounds. She said the last phrase with the jaws convulsively clamped shut.

аааа "Also the air is bad for me," she continued. "Whatа are you going to do

when I croak? It'sа all the fault of your female and stupid miserliness. . .

. You save and save and don'tа even know what for. . . . Didn'tа you go bust

on the last reform-- well, didn't you? Thereа you are!а And whatа aboutа the

Catherine notes? Trunk-fuls!а And the Kerensky rubles-- didn't you fuel your

stove with them?"

аааа "You see-" said I, somewhat regaining my composure.

аааа "Oi-- who's that?" worried the pike.

аааа "I . . . I am here just by chance. I was going to wash up a bit."

аааа "Wash! Andа Iа thought it was theа old hagа again. Don't seeа so well--

getting old. Furthermore, the refraction coefficient with the airа isа quite

different.а I ordered glasses for air, but I have lostа them and can'tа find

them. And who would you be?"

аааа "A tourist," I said briefly.

аааа "Oh, aа tourist. . . . And Iа thought it was thatа hag again. You can't

imagine what she does with me. First she catches me,а then dragsа meа off to

the market and sells me asа an ingredient for a bouillabaisse. So what can I

do? I talk to the buyer: thus and thus, let meа go back to myа little ones--

thoughа whatа littleа ones,а Iа knowа not,а asа theyа are notа childrenа but

granddaddies by now. You let me go, and I will serve you well. Just say, СBy

the pike's command, this wish of mine.' So they let me go. Some out of fear,

some out of the goodness of their hearts, and some out of greed. Then I swim

about in the river, but with my rheumatism, back to theа warm well I go, and

backа again isа the crone with the bucket."а The pikeа retreatedа underа the

water,а bubbled a bit, and came up again.а "Well, what is your wish, my fine

one?а But keep it simple, andа not like some who want those new-fangled TV's

orа transistorа radios.а .а .а . One lout went altogether ape: СCompleteа my

yearly plan at the sawmill for me.' Cutting logs at my age!"

аааа "Aha," I said. "Can you still do the TV?"

аааа "No,"а theа pike owned up. "I can't do a televisionа receiver.а Also, I

can't doа that automated combine withа separator.а I don'tа believe in them.

Thinkа ofа somethingа more simple. Let'sа sayа thousand-leagueа boots orа an

invisibility cloak. ... Well?"

аааа My rising hope of escaping the greasing of the car began to fade.

аааа "Don'tа worryа yourself,а ma'am,"а Iа said.а "Iа reallyа don'tа require

anything. I'm going to just let you go."

аааа "That's good," said the pike calmly. "I like people like you. The other

day, too, there was this case. Some guy bought me in the market and I had to

promiseа him a tsar'sа daughter. So there I am, swimming along in the river,

full of shame, not knowingа where to hideа myself.а Next thing, notа looking

where I am going, I barge right into aа net. They lug me up. Again, I figure

I'll have to lie my way out. So what do you think the man does?а He grabs me

rightа acrossа theа teeth soа Iа can'tа open my mouth. СThat's theа end,'а I

thought.а СInto the soupа kettle with me--а thisа time.' Butа no. Heа clamps

something on my fin and back in the water I go. See?"

аааа The pike raised herself out of the bucket and placed a fin on the edge.

At its base was a metal clamp on which I read: This specimen released in the

Solovei River in the year 1854. Deliver to H.I.M. Academy of Science.

 

аааа "Don'tа tellа theа hag,"а warned the pike. "She'll tear it out with the

fin. Greedy, she is, the miser.

 

аааа What should I ask her? I thought feverishly.

аааа "How do you work your miracles?"

аааа "What miracles?"

аааа "You know-- wish fulfillments."

аааа "Oh, that? Howа do Iа do it?а Beenа taughtа from infancy, that's how. I

guess I don't really know.а . . . Theа Golden Fish,* she didа it even better

than I, but she is dead now. You can't escape your fate."

аааа It seemed to me she sighed.

аааа "From old age?" I asked.

аааа "Oldа age,а nothing!а Young she was, and spritely. They dropped a depth

charge on her, my fine friend. So belly-up she went, and some kind of vessel

that happened nearby alsoа sank. She would have bought herself off, but they

didn't ask. No soonerа sighted, than blam with the bomb. .. . That's the way

of it." She was silent a while. "Well, then, are you going to let meа go? It

feels close somehow; there is going to be a thunderstorm."

аааа "Of course, of course," I said, startled back to reality. "How should I

do it? Throw you in, or in the bucket?"

аааа "Throw me in, my good man, throw me in."

аааа Carefully I dipped my hands into the bucket and extracted the pike-- it

must have weighed inа at around eight kilos. She kept on murmuring, "And how

about a self-serving tablecloth or a flying carpet-- I'll be right here. You

can count on me...

аааа "So long," I said, and let go. There was a noisy splash.

аааа Forа some time, I stood there gazing atа myа hands, covered withа green

slime. I experiencedа someа kindа of strangeа feeling. Part of theа timeа an

awareness came over me, like a gust of wind, that Iа was sitting on the sofa

in the room, but all Iа hadа toа do was shakeа my head and I was back at the

well. Theа feeling dissipated. Iа washed in the fineа ice-cold water, filled

the car radiator, then shaved. The old woman was still out.

 

а

___________

аааа * Reference to well-known fairy tale with magic fish.

 

 

 

аааа I was getting hungry,а and it wasа time to go to the post office, where

myа friends might be waiting for me even then. I locked the car and went out

the gate.

аааа Iа wasа unhurriedlyа sauntering down Lukomoriye Street,а handsа inа the

pocketsа of my gray GDR jacket, looking down at my feet. Inа the back pocket

of myа favoriteа jeans,а crisscrossedа withа zippers,а jingledа theа crone's

coppers. I wasа reflecting. The skinny brochures of the "Znanie" society had

accustomed me toа theа concept that animalsа were incapable of speech. Fairy

tales from childhood,а on theа other hand, hadа insisted on the opposite. Of

course, Iа agreedа withа theа brochures, sinceа never in my lifeа had I seen

talking animals. Not even parrots. I used to know one parrot who could growl

like a tiger, but human-talk he could not do. And now-- the pike, the tomcat

Basil,а andа even the mirror.а Incidentally, itа is preciselyа the inanimate

objects thatа speakа theа mostа often.а And,а byа the way,а it'sа thisа last

consideration whichа would never enter the head of myа great granddaddy.а In

his ancestral viewpoint, a talking catа would be a muchа less fantastic item

thanа aа polished wood box, which howls, whistles, plays music, and talks in

several languages. As far asа the cat goes, it's more or less clear. But how

about the pike?а Aа pikeа does not have lungs. That'sа a fact. True, they do

have an air ballast bladder whose function as farа as I know is not entirely

understood by icthyologists. My icthyologist acquaintance,а Gene Skoromahov,

postulates that it is truly totallyа unclear, and when I attemptа toа reason

aboutа it withа arguments from the "Znanie"а brochures, oldа Gene growls and

spitsа in contempt. Hisа rightful gift ofа human speech seemsа to desert him

completely.

аааа Iа haveа this impressionа thatа as yet we knowа very littleа aboutа the

potentialа ofа animals.а Only recentlyа itа becameа clear thatа fish and sea

animalsа exchangeа signals under water. Very interesting piecesа are written

about dolphins. Or, let's take the ape Raphael. This I saw for myself. True,

it cannot speak, but insteadа it hasа thisа developedа reflex: green light--

banana;а redа light-- electricа shock. Everything wasа just fine untilа they

turned onа the red andа green lightsа simultaneously. Then Raphaelа began to

conduct himself just like, for instance, old Gene. He was terribly upset. He

threw himself atа the windowа behind which theа experimenter was seated, and

took to spittingа at it, growling and squealing hideously. And then there is

the story--а "Do you know what aа conditioned reflex is? That's what happens

when the bell rings and all these quasi-apes in whiteа coats will run toward

us with bananas and candies,"-- which one ape tells the other.

аааа Naturally, all of this is not that simple. The terminology has not been

workedа out. Under theа circumstances, any attempt toа resolve the questions

involving the potential and psychology of animals leaves you feeling totally

helpless.а But, on the other hand, when youа have to solve, say, a system of

integral equationsа ofа the typeа used in stellar statistics,а withа unknown

functions under the integral, you don't feel any better. That's why the best

thing is to-- cogitate. As per Pascal: "Let us learn to think well-- that is

the basic principle of morality."

аааа I came out on the Prospect of Peace and stopped, arrested by an unusual

sight. Marching in the middle of theа pavement wasа a manа with flags in his

hands. About ten paces behind him, engine revving and laboring, a huge white

truck was drawing a gigantic cistern-like silvery trailer, from which issued

wisps ofа smoke. Fire Danger was writtenа all overа theа cistern,а andа busy

little fire engines, bristling with fire extinguishers, wereа rolling along,

keeping paceа on its rightа and left.а From time to time, mixing in with the

steady roar ofа the engine, a different sound issued forth, somehow chilling

the heartа withа a strangeа malaise.а Simultaneously yellow tongues of flame

spurted out of theа cistern'sа ports. The faces of the firemen, hatsа pushed

lowа on their ears, were stern and manly. Swarms of children swirledа around

theа cavalcade, yelling piercingly, "Ti-li-lee ti-li-lay, they're caning the

dragon away."а Adultа passersbyа fearfullyа huggedа the fences. Theirа faces

clearly depicted a desire to save their clothing from possible damage.

аааа "Thereа they go with dear Unc," aа familiar raspy bass pronounced in my

ear.

аааа I turned around. Behind me,а looking miserable, stood Naina Kievna with

a shopping bag full of blue packets of granulated sugar.

аааа "Trucking him off," she repeated. "Every Friday they take him."

аааа "Where to?" I asked.

аааа "Toа the test pad, old friend. They keep experimenting. Nothing else to

do!"

аааа "And whom are they taking, Naina Kievna?"

аааа "What do you mean-- whom? Can't you see for yourself?"

аааа She turned and strode off, but I caught up with her.

аааа "Naina Kievna, there was a telephonogram for you."

аааа "From whom would that be?"

аааа "From H.M. Viy."

аааа "What about?"

аааа "Youа are having someа kind of fly-in today," Iа said, lookingа atа her

hard. "On Bald Mountain. Dress-- formal."

аааа The old woman was obviously pleased.

аааа "Really?" she said. "Isn't that nice! Where is the telephonogram?"

аааа "In the entry, by the phone."

аааа "Anything about membership dues in it?" she asked, lowering her voice.

аааа "In what sense?"

аааа "Well,а you know, such as,а СYou are requestedа to settle yourа arrears

from seventeen hundred . . .С" She grew quiet.

аааа "No," said I. "Nothing like that was mentioned."

аааа "Well enough. And how about transportation? Will there be a car to pick

me up?"

аааа "Let me carry your bags," I offered.

аааа She sprang back.

аааа "What do you have in mind?" she asked suspiciously.

аааа "Youа cutа that out-- Iа don't likeа it. The bagа he wants! Starting in

young, aren't you?"

 

аааа No way do I like old crones, I thought.

аааа "So how is it with transportation?" she repeated.

аааа "At your own expense," I gloated.

аааа "Oh, the skinflints!" moaned she. "They took the broom for theа museum,

the mortar is inа the shop, contributions are levied by the five-ruble bill,

but to Bald Mountain-- at your expense, please! The meter won't read low, my

good fellow, and then he has to wait. . .

аааа Muttering and coughing, she turned from me and walked away. I rubbed my

handsа and went off in myа own direction. Myа suppositions wereа being borne

out. The skein of wondrous events was getting tighter. And,а shame to admit,

butа this seemedа a lot moreа fascinating atа the moment than, say, even the

modeling of a reflex process.

аааа The Prospect of Peaceа was now deserted. A gang of kids wereа loitering

at the cross street, apparently playing tip-cat. Catchingа sight of me, they

quitа theаа gameаа andа tookаа offа inа myа direction.а Sensingа unfavorable

developments, Iа passed them quickly and bore off toward downtown. Behind my

back a stifled and excitedа voice exclaimed, "Stilyaga." Iа quickenedа pace.

"Stilyaga," bawled several atа once. I was almost running,а pursued by yells

of,а "Stilya-aga!аа Spindle-legs!а Papa'sа Pobeda-driver...а Passersbyа were

looking at me with compassion.

аааа In such eventualities, it's best to dive into some refuge. I dived into

the nearest door, which turned out toа be a food store. I walked up and down

the counters, assured myself that there was plentyа of sugar, and foundа the

choice of sausages andа candies rather limited, whichа was amply compensated

by the variety of fish products surpassing all expectations. Such appetizing

andа variegated salmon! I had a glass of soda water, and scanned the street.

The kids were gone. Thereupon I left the store and continued my journey.

аааа Presently the grain stores andа log-cabin fortresses came to an end and

were replaced byа modern two-storied houses, interspersedа with small parks.

Inа theа parks, small childrenа were running about,а old women were knitting

warm things, and old men wereа playing dominoes as if forа keeps. A spacious

square turned up in the center of town, surrounded with two- and three-story

buildings.а Itа wasа pavedа with asphalt,а punctuated inа the center byа the

greenery of a garden. Above it rose a large red poster titled Honor RoIl and

several smallerа posters with plotted curves and diagrams.а I discovered the

post office right there, inа the square. The fellowsа and I hadа agreed that

the first one to get to the townа would leave a note with his coordinates in

general delivery. There was no note, and I left a letter with my address and

instructionsа on how to findа the cottage on hen's legs.а Nextа I decided to

have breakfast

аааа Circling theа square,а Iа found aа cinema playing Kozara; aа bookstore,

closed for inventory; the town hallа withа severalа dusty cars in front; the

Hotel Frigid Sea, without vacancies as per usual; two kiosks withа sodaа and

ice cream; one general goodsа store, No. 2; an agricultural goods store, No.

18; diningа room No. 11, which openedа at noon; and aа buffet, No. 3, closed

without explanation. Next I observed the town police station andа had a chat

in itsа openа doorway with a very youngа policeman about the location of the

gas pump and the state of the road to Lezhnev.

аааа "But where isа yourа car?" inquired the policeman, lookingа aroundа the

square.

аааа "Over with some people I know," I replied.

аааа "Aha, with acquaintances . .а ." heа saidа meaningfully. I felt he took

note of me. Timidly I bowed off.

аааа Nextа to theа three-storied building of the localа fisheriesа co-op,а I

finally located a small, clean tearoom, No. 16/27. It was a pleasant sort of

place. There weren't too many customers, but those were indeed drinking tea,

talking about simple and comprehensible things such as that over by Korobetz

the little bridge had finally fallen in and one had to ford the stream; that

itа was aа week since they hadа removedа the Mainа Motor Vehicleа Inspection

Station at the fifteen-kilometerа milepost and that, "The spark is a beast--

it will knock an elephant down-- but won't do its job worthа a damn."а There

was a smellа of gasolineа and fried fish.а Thoseа who wereа not involvedа in

conversation were eyeing my jeans, and I was happy to recall that on my rear

there was aа highlyа professional spot-- the day before yesterday Iа had sat

down most propitiously on my grease gun.

аааа Iа tookа aа fullа plate ofа friedа fish,а threeа glasses ofа tea, three

sandwiches, paid up with aа heap of the coppers fromа my crone friend ("Been

out beggingа onа the church steps." muttered theа cashier), and settled in a

cozy corner and proceeded to eat, enjoying the sight of those hoarse-voiced,

heavy-smoking types.а It wasа aа pleasure to take inа their sunburned, wiry,

independent countenances with that I've-seen-it-all look, and watch how they

ate with appetite, smoked with appetite, and talked with appetite. They were

making use of their free time to the last second before the longа hours on a

bumpy, tiresome, dusty road in their hot and stuffy cabs under a hot sun. If

Iа weren'tа a programmer, I would surely become a driver, and, of course, of

no light-weight truckа orа even a bus, butа of someа freightа monster with a

ladder to the cab and a small crane for changing a wheel.

аааа The neighboringа table was occupied by aа pair of youngа men who didn't

look like drivers, and for thisа reason I didn't pay them any heed at first.

Justа asа theyа didn'tа notice me, either. But as I was finishing myа second

glass ofа tea, the wordа "sofa" floated intoа my consciousness. Then, one of

them said, ". . . In that case it doesn't make sense toа have the hen's-legs

cottage at all," so I began to listen. To my regret, they spoke quietly, and

I had my back to them,а so Iа couldn't hear too well. But the voicesа seemed

familiar.

аааа "no thesis. . . the sofa only. . ."

аааа "..... to such a hairy one . . ."

аааа "...sofa . . . the sixteenth stage . ."

аааа ".....with only fourteen stages in transvection..."

аааа "...it's easier to model a translator. ."

аааа "...does it matter who's tittering!"

аааа "... I'll make a gift of a razor..."

аааа "...we can't do without the sofa. .."

аааа At thisа point,а one of themа began to clear his throat, and in suchа a

familiarа wayа thatа I associated it instantlyа with last night and I turned

around, butа they were alreadyа on their way to the exit-- twoа big men with

square shoulders and strong, athletic necks. For some time, I could see them

through the windowа asа they crossed the square, circumnavigated the garden,

andа disappearedа behind the diagrams. I finished my tea andа sandwiches and

also wentа out.а Thereа you haveа it.а The mermaid didn't exciteа them.а The

talking cat did not intrigue them. But they couldn't do withoutа the sofa. .

. . I tried to remember what that sofa looked like, but nothing unusual came

to mind. A properа sofa. A good sofa.а Comfortable. Except when one slept on

it, one dreamed of a strange reality.

аааа It would have beenа good toа return home at that point and get into all

those sofa affairs inа earnest. Toа experimentа a bit with the shape-shifter

book and have aа heart-to-heart talk with Basil the tomcat andа pokeа around

the hen's-legs cottage to see if thereа were other interesting things in it.

But the car was alsoа waiting there for me, which necessitated both a DC and

a TS. I could put up with DC-- it was only the Daily Care,а callingа for the

shaking out of floor mats and the washing of the body with a stream of water

under pressure, which washing, incidentally, could, in case of necessity, be

performed by theа substitute method of ablution with aа wateringа canа orа a

pail. But the TS . . . that was a frightening concept for a neat person on a

hotа day. Because TS was noneа other than Technical Service, which technical

serviceа consistedа ofа myа lyingа underа theа car with theа greaseа gun and

graduallyа transferring its contents to the grease fittings and equally well

to my person.а It'sа hotа and stuffy underа aа car and its undercarriageа is

covered withа a thick layer of dried mud.а .а .а . In short, I was notа very

anxious to go home.

 

Chapter 4

 

 

аааа Who has permitted himself this diabolical jest?

аааа Seize him, and tear off his mask so that we

аааа may know whom we shall hang this morning

аааа from the castle wall.

 

аааааааааааааа E. Poe

 

 

 

аааа I bought a two-day-old Pravda, drank a glass of soda water, and settled

down on a benchа in the park, in the shade of the Honorа Roll. It was eleven

o'clock. I looked through the paper carefully. This took seven minutes. Then

I read the article about hydroponics, the feature about the doings in Kansk,

and a long letter to the editor fromа the workers of aа chemical plant. This

took altogether twenty-two minutes.

 

аааа Perhaps Iа should visit the cinema, I thought. Butа I had alreadyа seen

Kozara, once in the theaterа and once on television.а Soа Iа decided to have

somethingа to drink,а folded theа paper,а and stoodа up.а Of allа the copper

collection from the old hag, there remained only a single five-kopeck piece.

Finish it up,а I decided; had a glass of soda with syrup, got a kopeck back,

and bought a boxа of matches in the adjoining stall. Thereа was nothing else

to do downtown.а Soа I started off at random--а into a narrow street between

store No. 2 and dining room No. 11.

аааа Thereа were almost no pedestrians. Aа huge dustyа truck with a rattling

trailer passed by.а The driver,а head and elbow stuck out of the window, was

tiredly scanning the Belgianа block pavement. Descending,а the street turned

sharply to the right, where the barrel of an ancient cast-iron cannon, frill

of butts and dirt, wasа stuck inа the ground. Soon theа street ended atа the

cliff byа the river. Iа sat a while on the edge admiring the landscape, then

crossed over to the other side and strolled back to the center of town.

 

аааа Curious, where did theа truck go? I thought suddenly.а There was no way

down the cliff.а I startedа lookingа around, searching for a gate,а and then

discoveredа a small but veryа strange-looking buildingа squeezed inа between

grimа brick warehouses.а The windowsа of the lowerа story were set with iron

bars, andа the bottom halves were painted white. As to doors,а there weren't

any. I noticed this at once because the usual sign, which is normally placed

next toа theа gates, was here hung between two windows. It read:а Academy of

Sciences, U.S.S.R., Srits. I went back to theа middle ofа theа street.а Sure

enough-- two storiesа withа tenа windowsа apieceа andа notа aа singleа door.

Warehousesа toа the right and left.а Srits, thoughtа I. Scientificа Research

Instituteа ofа TS.а Meaningаа what--а Technologyа ofа Security,а Terrestrial

Seismology?а The cottage on hen's legs, itа occurred to me, isа a

museum of this SR1TS. My hitchhikers are probably also from here. Also those

two in the tearoom. ... A flock of crows took off from the roof of the house

and beganа circlingа about, cawing loudly. I turned aroundа and started back

toward the square.

 

аааа We are allа naiveа materialists, I thought, and alsoа rationalists.а We

demand that everything should be explained immediately in rationalist terms;

that is, reduced to fit in with the handful of known facts. No one applies a

penny's worth of dialectics.а It enters nobody's head that between the known

data and some new phenomena, there could be an ocean of unknowns,а and so we

declare the new phenomenon to be supernatural and therefore impossible. Say,

for instance, the way Maitreа Montesquieu wouldа take the message aboutа the

resuscitationа of aа dead manа forty-five minutesа afterа his heartа stopped

beating. With a bayonet counterattack, that's how heа would take it. Toss it

onа pikes,а soа toа speak.а Heа wouldа noа doubtа dubа itа obscurantismа and

clericalism.а Thatа is, ifа he would not justа wave such a datum away. If it

happened right inа front of his own eyes, he would be placed in an extremely

difficultа position. Such as my ownа at theа moment, exceptа that I was more

accustomed to it. But for him, it would be necessary either to consider it a

fraud,а orа to disbelieveа hisа senses or even to renounce materialism. Most

likelyа heа would optа for fraud. Nevertheless, to the endа ofа his days the

memory of this adroit trick would irritate his thinking, like aа mote in the

eye. . .а . But we,а we are the children of aа different age. We have seen a

lot: the liveа head of a dogа sewnа to theа body of another; theа artificial

kidney asа big as a closet; the iron hand operated by the nerve signals from

a live one; the people who can say, casually, "This was after I had died for

the first time.."

аааа Yes, in our times Montesquieu would have had a poor chance of remaining

a materialist. Nonetheless we remain materialists and there is no harm done!

True enough,а this canа getа to be difficult sometimes whenа aа chance wind,

blowing across the oceanа ofа theа unknown, will carryа our way some strange

petals from unexplored continents. Most often it happens when one finds that

which one was not looking for. Soon enough there will appear new and amazing

animals from Mars or Venus inа our zoos. Of course,а we will be oglingа them

and slapping our sides, butа we have been waitingа for them a long time, and

we are prepared for their appearance. Weа would beа much more astoundedа and

disappointed if there would not be any such animal orа if they would be like

our cats andа dogs. As a аrule, science, in which we have faith (andа often,

blind faith), prepares us well in advance for the coming miracles, so that a

psychic shock occurs in us only when we collide with something unpredicted--

some holeа into a fourth dimension, or biological radio communication,а or a

livingа planet.а .а . .а Or,а say, a cottage onа hen'sа legs.а Anyway,а that

hawk-nosed Romanа wasа right withа a vengeance;а it's very, very,а andа very

fascinating here with them.

аааа Iа came outа onа the square andа stoppedа byа theа soft-drink kiosk.а I

remembered that I didn't haveа any change and that I wouldа have toа break a

bill.а I was formulating an ingratiatingа smile, knowing full wellа that the

girlsа who soldа the drinks couldn'tа stand changingа bills,а when Iа felt a

fivekopeckа piece in my jeansа pocket. I was bothа astonished and delighted,

but moreа the latter. I drank up my soda water with fruitа syrup, accepted a

wetа kopeck in change, andа chatted with the girl about the weather.а Next I

set out homewardа withа great determination soа as to finish with the DC and

theа TSа andа beа freeа toа continueа withа myа dialectic andа rationalistic

explanations.а Iа shovedа theа kopeckа downа intoа myа pocketа andа stopped,

discovering that thereа wasа another five-kopeck piece already in it. I took

it out and studied it. It was somewhat damp and on it was stamped 5 kopecks,

1961, and the numeral 6а was marred with a small gouge. It may be thatа even

then Iа wouldа not haveа paid this little incident any attention, except for

thatа instantа feeling, withа whichа Iа wasа alreadyа familiar,а thatа I was

simultaneouslyа standing inа the Prospectа ofа Peace and sitting on the sofa

looking atа the wardrobe. And just as before theа feeling disappeared when I

shook my head.

аааа For aа while I kept on walking slowly, absentmindedly tossing the piece

(it keptа landing heads-up in my palm) and attemptingа to focus my thoughts.

Then I saw the food store where I had fled from the kids in the morning, and

entered. Holding the coinа between two fingers, I went up to the counter and

drank, this timeа without any pleasureа atа all,а a glass ofа plain seltzer.

Next, gripping the change in my hand, I went aside and checked the pocket.

аааа It was one of those cases where there was no psychic shock. More likely

I would have been surprisedа if the piece had not been inа my pocket. But it

was-- damp, 1961, and with a gouge inа the numeral 6. Someone bumped into me

and inquired as to whether I wasа taking a nap. Apparently I was standing in

the lineа forа the cashier.а I said I wasn't and punchedа a ticket for three

boxes of matches. Standingа in lineа for theа matches,а I verified thatа the

piece was back again in my pocket. I was absolutely calm. Having received my

threeа boxesа ofа matches,а Iа returnedа toа theа squareа andа proceededа to

experiment.

аааа The experiment took aboutа an hour. During this hour, I circumnavigated

the square tenа times, swelled up from the seltzer, accumulated matchа boles

and newspapers,а gotа acquainted with аall the clerks, maleа and female, and

arrived at a seriesа ofа interesting conclusions. The five-kopeck piece came

back if you paid with it. If you just simply threwа it away, orа dropped it,

it stayed where it fell. The coin returned toа pocket at the moment when the

change moved from the handsа of the seller to the hands of the buyer. If you

kept your hand in one pocket, it appeared in the other. It never appeared in

aа zippered pocket. If youа keptа a hand inа eachа pocket, and acceptedа the

changeа withа your elbow, the coin appeared anywhere on yourа body.а (Inа my

case,а it turnedа up in my shoe.)а The disappearance of theа piece fromа the

saucer with the coppers cannot beа observed: it is immediately lost to sight

in the pile of other coppers, andа no motion of anyа kind takes place in the

instant of the transfer to the pocket.

аааа And so, we were faced with a so-called unspendable five-kopeck piece in

the process of its functioning. In itself the fact of the unspendability did

not interest me. My imagination was primarily overwhelmed by the possibility

of an extra-dimensional transference of a material object. It was abundantly

clear thatа the mysterious move of the coin from seller to buyer represented

none other than a special case of the legendary matter transmission, so well

known toа theа friendsа ofа science-fictionа under theа pseudonymsа of hyper

transposition, similarization, Tarantog's phenomenon.а .а . . Theа unfolding

perspectives were overpowering.

аааа Iа didn'tа have anyа instruments.а Anа ordinaryа minimum-recordingа lab

thermometer could tell a lot,а but I didn't evenа have that. I was forced to

limitа myselfа to purely visualа subjective observations. Iа started my last

tourа of the square, with theа following self-assigned task: "Havingа placed

the coinа next toа theа change saucer, andа impeding to the maximum possible

extent the cashier's mixing it with the rest of the coins before passing the

change, to trace visually theа process of transference inа space, attempting

simultaneouslyа toа determine,а evenа qualitatively,а theаа changeаа inа the

temperature of the air near the presumed Trajectory of Transit" However, the

experiment was cut short right at the start.

аааа When I approached Manya, my first seller, I was already expected by the

same young police sergeant whom I had met before.

аааа "So," he said in a professional tone.

аааа I looked at him searchingly, with a premonition of disaster.

аааа "May I see yourа papers, citizen," he said,а salutingа and looking past

me.

аааа "What's the problem?" I asked, taking out my passport.

аааа "And I'llа beа asking youа for theа coin,а too,"а saidа theа policeman,

accepting the passport.

аааа I handed himа the five-kopeck piece in silence. Manya wasа regarding me

withа accusingа eyes. Theа policemanа studiedа theа coinа and,а stating with

satisfaction, "Aha," opened the passport.а He studied thatа passportа like a

bibliophile would study aа rare incunabulum.а Iа waited,а mortified. A crowd

grew slowlyа aroundа us. аVariousа opinionsа about meа were expressed by its

members.

аааа "We'll have to take a walk," the policeman finally said.

аааа Weа took aа walk.а While weа walked,а severalа variants onа my unsavory

biographyа wereа createdа inа theа accompanyingа crowd, аandа aаа seriesа of

antecedents was formulatedа for the court case that was initiatedа rightа in

front of everybody's eyes.

аааа In theа stationа house,а theа policemanа handedа theа passportа and the

five-kopeck pieceа toа theа lieutenant on duty.а He examinedа theа coinа and

offered me a chair. I sat down. The lieutenantа said disdainfully,а "Hand in

theа change," andа also immersedа himselfа in theа studyа of myа passport. I

shoveledа out the coppers.а "Count them, Kovalev,"а saidа the lieutenant and

looked at me steadily.

аааа "Bought much?" he asked.

аааа "A lot," I answered.

аааа "Hand it in, too," said the lieutenant.

аааа Iа laid out four issuesа ofа two-day-old Pravdas,а threeа issues of the

local Fisherman, two issues of the Literary Gazette, eight boxes of matches,

six pieces of Golden Key toffee, andа aа marked-down wire brush for cleaning

kerosine stoves.

аааа "I can'tа hand inа theа drinks," I said dryly. "Five glasses with syrup

and four without syrup."

аааа I was beginning toа comprehend what wasа involved, and I wasа extremely

nauseated andа discomfited at theа idea that itа would be necessaryа to find

excuses for myself.

аааа "Seventy-fourа kopecks,а comradeа Lieutenant,"а reportedа theа youthful

Kovalev.

аааа Theа lieutenantа pensivelyа regarded the pileа ofа newspapers and match

boxes.

аааа "Were you amusing yourself, or what?" he asked me.

аааа "Or what," I said gloomily.

аааа "Not prudent of you," saidа the lieutenant. "Not prudent, citizen. Tell

me about it."

аааа I told. At the end of the story, I askedа the lieutenant most earnestly

not to interpret my actions as anа attempt to save up the price of a car. My

ears were burning. The lieutenant chuckled.

аааа "And why notа soа interpret it?" he inquired. "Casesа of itа haveа been

attempted."

аааа I shrugged.

аааа "I can assure you such a thought couldn't enter my head. . . . Whatа am

I saying? It couldn't, when, in fact, it didn't!"

аааа Theа lieutenant was silent for a long time. The young Kovalevа took аmy

passport and again set to studying it.

аааа "It wouldа be rather ridiculous to suppose .а .а ." I said, distraught.

"An altogether loony concept . . . to saveа by the kopeck .а . ." I shrugged

again. "You'd be better off begging on the church steps, as they say. .

аааа "Asа toа begging,аа weаа tryа toа combatа that,"а saidа theа lieutenant

significantly.

аааа "And that'sа correct and only natural. .а .а .а I just don't understand

what that has to do with me. . . ." I caught myself shrugging once more, and

resolved not to do it again.

аааа The lieutenant was silentа for a tiresomelyа long time,а examiningа the

coin.

аааа "We'll have to make out a report," he said finally.

аааа "Please,а of course . . . although .а .а ." I didn't knowа exactly what

followed the "although."

аааа Forа aа while,а theа lieutenantа lookedа atа meа inа expectationа ofа a

continuation.а But I was busy figuring as toа which section ofа the criminal

code my actions came under,а soа he drew a sheet of paper toward him and set

to writing.

аааа The young Kovalevа returned toа hisа post. The lieutenant was squeaking

away with his pen, and dipping it often and noisily into the inkwell. I sat,

dullyа staring atа theа posters hung on the wallsа and thinking, listlessly,

how,а in my place, Lomonosov,а for example, would haveа grabbed his passport

andа jumpedа out the window. What'sа atа the core o/а it all? I thought. The

essence ofа theа matter is that a man does not regard himself asа guilty. In

thatа sense, I wasа notа guilty. But guilt, it seems, canа be objectiveа and

subjective. And aа factа isа a fact: allа that copper money in the amount of

seventy-four kopecks, juridically speaking, was the result of theft, carried

out by technical means in the form of an unspendable coin.

ааа а"Read it and sign, please," said the lieutenant.

аааа Iаа read.а Accordingа toа theа reportа itа wasа manifestа thatа I,а the

undersigned,а Privalov, A.I.,а had,а byа means unknown to me, come intoа the

possession ofа a working model of an unspendable five-kopeck coin, All-union

Government Standardа type 7 18-62, and hadа willfully misused same; further,

that I, the undersigned Privalov, A.I.,а allegedly carried out my operations

with the aim of conductingа a scientific experiment, and withoutа any intent

to defraud; that I was prepared toа make restitution for the losses suffered

byа theа stateа inа theа amount ofа oneа ruble and fifty-fiveа kopecks; and,

finally, that in accordance with the resolution of the Solovetz City Council

ofа March 22,а 1959, I had handed over said working model of the unspendable

five-kopeck coin to the lieutenant on duty, Sergienko, V.V., and received in

return five kopecks in monies of legal tender on the territory of the Soviet

Union. I signed.

аааа The lieutenant verifiedа myа signature withа theа one inа the passport,

againа meticulously counted theа coppers,а rangа upа somebody to confirm the

prices of the toffee and the wire brush,а and wrote out a receipt and handed

itа toа meа together withа five kopecksа in monies ofа legalа tenderа on the

territory of the Soviet Union.

аааа Returning the papers, matches, candies, and wire brush, he said, "As to

the softа drinks, youа have consumedа thoseа as youа have alreadyа admitted.

Altogether, you owe eighty-one kopecks."

аааа Iа paidа up with aа feeling of tremendous relief. The lieutenant having

leafed through my passport once again, handed it back to me.

аааа "You may go, citizen Privalov," he said.а "Andа be careful from now on.

Are you in Solovetz for long?"

аааа "I'll be leaving tomorrow," I said.

аааа "Well then, be careful until tomorrow."

аааа "Oh, I will!" I said, putting the passport away. Then, responding to an

impulse and lowering myа voice, I asked, "Would you mind telling me, comrade

Lieutenant, don't you find it a bit strange here in Solovetz?"

аааа But the lieutenant was already absorbed in his paperwork.

аааа "I've been here a long time," he said absentmindedly. "I'm used to it."

 

Chapter 5

 

 

аааа "And do you believe in ghosts?" asked someone from the audience.

аааа "Of course not," replied the speaker, and melted slowly in the air.

 

аааааааааааааа A Truthful Story

 

 

 

 

 

аааа Allа theа time, untilа the eveningа arrived,а I concentratedа onа being

extremelyа careful.а Iа wentа directlyа homeа fromа theа policeа stationа to

Lukomoriye Street and immediately crawled under the car. It was very hot.а A

menacing dark cloud was creeping in from the west.а While I was lyingа under

the car, dripping oil on аmy person, oldа Naina Kievna becomeа most unctious

and friendly, twice approaching me to take her to Bald Mountain.

аааа "They tellа me, governor, thatа it's bad for a car to stand still," she

cooedа in herа creaky voice, peering underа the front bumper. "They say it's

good for it to drive it around. And have no fear, I'd make sure to pay....

аааа Iа wasа not inclined to drive to Bald Mountain. In the first place,а my

friendsа could show up anyа minute. In the second place, the oldа womanа was

even more distasteful to me in her cooing version that in her snarling mode.

Further, it developed that it was ninety versts* oneа wayа to Bald Mountain,

and when I asked the old lady about the condition of the road,а she joyfully

told mc notа to worry-- that it was quite smooth,а butа that inа case of any

trouble, she would push it out herself. ("Don't assume that I amа plain old,

governor; I am still quite vigorous.") After the first unsuccessful assault,

the crone retreatedа temporarilyа and went offа intoа the cottage. Atа which

point Basil the tomcat came to visit me under the car. For a long minute, he

watchedа myа manipulations andа thenа enunciated inа a low voice,а butа very

clearly,а "Iа don't advise it,а citizen, mn-e-eh . .а . Iа don'tа advise it.

You'll be eaten," after which he departed precipitately, tail a-quiver.

 

а

__________

аааа * Sixty-three miles.

 

 

аааа I wanted badly to be very careful, and so when theа crone launchedа her

second attack, I demanded fifty rubles, so as to put an end to the game once

and for all. She desisted at once, regarding me with fresh respect.

аааа I did the DC and the TS, drove toа the gas station toа fill up with the

greatestа of care,а hadа dinnerа inа dining room No. 11, and was onceа again

subjected toа documentа inspectionа byа theа vigilant Kovalev. Toа clearа my

conscience, Iа inquiredа of him the state of theа road to Bald Mountain. The

young sergeant considered meа with vast disbelief and said, "Road?а What are

youа talkingа about, citizen?а Whatа road? There isn'tа anyа road."а Whenа I

returned home, it was already raining heavily.

аааа The crone had departed.а Tomcat hadа disappeared. In theа well, someone

sang in duet voices, and that was both frightening and somehowа woeful. Soon

the shower was replaced with a dismal fine rain. It grew dark.

аааа I retreated to my room and attempted to experiment withа the changeling

book. However,а itа had somehowа broken down.а Maybe Iа was doingа something

wrong, or theа weather influenced it,а butа itа remainedа asа itа hadа been,

Practical Exercises in Syntax and Punctuation by F.F. Kuzmin, no matter what

I tried. Reading such a book seemed simplyа impossible,а so I triedа my luck

with theа mirror.а Butа it reflected anything atа all andа remainedа silent.

Nothing to do but lie down on the sofa.

аааа Lulled byа boredom and the soundа of the rain, I was beginning toа doze

when the telephone rang. I went out in the hall and picked up the receiver.

аааа "Hello."

аааа There was a silence against a background of static.

аааа "Hello," I said, blowing into the mouthpiece. "Press the button."

аааа There was no reply.

аааа "Tapа onа theа set," I counseled. The receiver was quiet. I blew again,

pulled on the cable, and said, "Call again from a different set."

аааа Then there was a rude query.

аааа "Is this Alexander?"

аааа "Yes." I was surprised.

аааа "Why don't you answer?"

аааа "I am answering. Who's this?"

аааа "This is Petrovski,а bothering you. Go on over to the pickling shop and

tell the master to give me a call."

аааа "What master?"

аааа "Well, who's there today?"

аааа "I don't know."

аааа "What do you mean СI don't know'? Is this Alexander?"

аааа "Look here, citizen," I said. "What number are you calling?"

аааа "Number seventy-two. ... Is that seventy-two?" I couldn't tell.

аааа "Apparently not," I said.

аааа "Why do you say you areа Alexander?" "Because Iа reallyа am Alexander."

"Drat. . . is this the agency?"

аааа "No," I said. "This is the museum."

аааа "Ah . . . in that case, I apologize. You can't call the master "

аааа I hung up. I stood a while looking around the entry. It had five doors.

Oneа toа myа room,а oneа toа the yard,а one to the crone's room, one toа the

washroom, and one other covered with iron sheeting with a huge padlock.

 

аааа It's dreary, I thought.а Lonely.а And the lamp is dimа and dusty. . . .

Dragging my feet, I returned to my room and stopped at the threshold.

аааа The sofa was not there.

аааа Everythingа else wasа exactlyа asа before:а theа table, the stove,а the

mirror, theа wardrobe,а and theа stool. The book, too, lay on the windowsill

just as I had left it. On the floor, where the sofa had been, there remained

only a very dusty, littered rectangle. Then I saw the bedclothes very tidily

put away in the wardrobe.

аааа "Just now there was a sofa here," I said aloud. "I was lying on it."

аааа Somethingа about the house hadа changed.а The room wasа filledа with an

indefinableа noise.а Someoneа wasа talking, thereа wereа strainsа ofа music,

somewhere people were laughing, coughing, scraping theirа feet. A dim shadow

momentarilyа shutа offа the lightа from theа lamp; theа floorboardsа creaked

loudly. Nextа there was an abrupt medicinal smell, andа a chill blew into my

face, I backed up.а Atа theа sameа time, thereа was aа clearа andа insistent

knocking on the outside door. The noise died away instantly. Looking over at

the spot previously occupied by the sofa, I wentа out in the entry again and

opened the door.

аааа Standing beforeа meа inа the drizzle wasа anа elegantа manа of smallish

stature, wearing aа short cream-colored raincoat of immaculateа cleanliness,

withа its collar raised. Heа removed his hatа and pronounced in aа dignified

manner:

аааа "Begging yourа pardon, Alexander Ivanovich. Would youа be so kind as to

allow me five minutes to converse with you?"

аааа "Of course," I said distractedly. "Come in...."

аааа I saw thisа man for the first time in my life, and аthe thought flashed

throughа myа mind that heа mightа beа connected withа theа local police. The

stranger stepped into the hall andа made a motion to enter my room directly.

Iа blocked his way. I don't know whyа I did it; most likely I did not relish

the prospect of questions about the dust and litter on the floor.

аааа "Excuse me," I mumbled. "Perhapsа weа can talk here...а myа place is in

disorder. And there's nothing to sit on...."

аааа He jerked his head in reaction.

аааа "How's that-- nothing?" he said quietly. "And the sofa?"

аааа We stood a good minute regarding each other in silence.

аааа "Mmm - . . what-- the sofa?" I asked in a whisper for some reason.

аааа The stranger lowered his eyes.

аааа "Oh, so that's the way it is?" he said slowly. "Iа understand. Too bad.

Well, in that case, excuse me....

аааа He nodded his head politely,а put on his hat, and advanced determinedly

toward the washroom door.

аааа "Where are you going?" I cried. "You are going the wrong way!"

аааа Without turning around, the stranger muttered, "Oh, it doesn't matter,"

andа disappearedа behind the door.а Automatically,а I turnedа on theа light,

waited a while, listening, and then threw the door open. There was nobody in

the washroom. Carefully I drew out a cigarette and lighted it.

 

аааа The sofa, I thought. What has the sofa to do with it? I had never heard

anyа fairyа tale about aа sofa. Thereа was a flyingа carpet;а thereа was the

magical tablecloth. There wasа the invisibility hat, the seven-league boots,

the playing harp. Thereа wasа the magic mirror. But there was no magic sofa.

Sofas wereа for sittingа orа lying on; there wasа something respectableа and

ordinary aboutа them. . .а . In fact, what fantasyа couldа be inspired byа a

sofa?

аааа Returningа toа my room, Iа was at once aware ofа The Small Man. Heа was

sittingа onа topа ofа theа stove, up against theа ceiling,а twisted intoа an

uncomfortable pose. He had a puckered unshaved face and hairy gray ears.

аааа "Hello there," I said tiredly.

аааа The Small Man twisted his long lips in a grimace of suffering.

аааа "Good evening," he said. "Please excuse me. I've been shunted here some

way I don't quite understand. It's about the sofa."

аааа "You are a bit late about the sofa," I said, sitting down at the table.

аааа "I can seeа that," saidа The Small Man inа a lowа voice, twisting about

clumsily. Bits of plaster rained down.

аааа I smoked, regarding him pensively.

аааа The Small Man looked down at the floor inа indecision. "You need help?"

I said, makingа a move towardа him.а "No,а thank you,"а The Smallа Manа said

drearily. "I'd better do it myself."

аааа Smearing himself withа calcimine, he workedа his way to the edge of the

shelf and,а pushing offа in an ungainly manner,а dived downа head first.а My

heart flipped, but heа hung in midair andа began to descend slowly, arms and

legs spread-eagled convulsively. It wasn't very aesthetic,а but it was quite

amusing.а Landing on all fours, he stoodа up and wiped his wet face with his

sleeve.

аааа "Getting really old," he croaked. "Now, a hundred years ago, say in the

reign of Gonzast, I would have been drummed out without a diploma for such a

descent, you may be sure, Alexander Ivanovich."

аааа "Diploma in what?" I demanded, lighting my second cigarette.

аааа Heа wasn't listening toа me. Having sat down on the stool, he continued

mournfully.

аааа "In the old days,а I levitatedа as well as Zex.а But now, forgive me, I

can't eradicate the growth in my ears. It's so untidy. . . . But if you have

no talent?а Thereа isа a vast numberа of attractionsа around,а all kindsа of

degrees,а titles,а butа no talent! Many get overgrown in their oldа age.а Of

course,а this doesа not apply to theа stars. Gianа Giacomo, Cristobal Junta,

Giuseppeа Balsamo or, say,а comradeа Feodor Simeonovichа Kivrin . .а . not a

traceа ofа hairy growth!"а He lookedа at me triumphantly. "Not--а a-- trace!

Smooth skin, elegance, suppleness..."

аааа "Forgiveа me," I said. "You said-- Giuseppe Balsamo but that's the same

asа Count Cagliostro! Andа according to Tolstoi, the count was fat andа very

unpleasant to look at..."

аааа The Small Man looked at me with sadness and smiled condescendingly.

аааа "Youа areа simply notа informed, Alexander Ivanovich,"а he said. "Count

Cagliostro isа something entirely different from Giuseppe Balsamo. It's, how

shall I put it . . .а it'sа notа a very successfulа copy. Balsamo matricized

himself in his youth. He was most extraordinarily talented, but you know how

itа is done when one is young. . .а . Hurry up, make itа moreа amusing, slam

bam,а and it'll get by...Yes-s . . .а neverа say that Balsamo and Cagliostro

are one and the same. It could be embarrassing."

аааа I was embarrassed.

аааа "True,"а Iа said.а "Naturally,а Iа amа notа an expert. But,а excuseа my

indiscreet question, what has the sofa to do with it? Who needed it?"

аааа The Small Man started.

аааа "Inexcusable arrogance,"а he said loudly, getting up. "Iа committedа an

error and I am prepared to admit it with complete candor. When such giants .

. . andа evenа these cheeky youngsters . . ." Heа began to bow, pressing his

pale hands toа hisа heart.а "Please forgive me,а Alexander Ivanovich, I have

importuned youа so. . . . Let meа apologize onceа again most sincerely. I am

departing at once." He approached the Russian stove and looked up queasily.

аааа "Old is what I am,а Alexander Ivanovich,"а he said, with aа deepа sigh.

"Old indeed..."

аааа "Maybe itа wouldа be more congenial forа you through the. . .а eh . . .

There was a chap came through here before you, and he used the..."

аааа "Oh,а no,а myа friend, that wasа Cristobal Junta!а What's itа to him to

percolate through theа plumbing forа a distance of ten leagues .а . . ?" The

Small Man waved his hands inа grief. "As for me, I take the simpler way. . .

. Did he take the sofa with him or did he transvect it?"

аааа "I don't know," I said. "Fact is, he, too, was late."

аааа Overwhelmed, The Small Man pulled on the hairs of his right ear.

аааа "Late? Him? Most improbable!а However, how can we be the judge of that?

Farewell,а Alexander Ivanovich.а Please findа itа in your generous heartа to

forgive me."

аааа With obvious effort,а he passed through theа wallа andа disappeared.а I

threw the cigarette butt into the litter on theа floor. Some sofa!а That was

no simple talking tomcat; thatа was something a bit more substantial--а some

sort ofа drama. Perhaps it wasа even a dramaа of concepts. Maybeа more would

come . . .а the late ones. For sure, more would come. I regarded the litter.

Where had I seen a broom?

аааа The broom stood by the cask under the telephone. I setа to sweepingа up

the dust and debris, when something heavy caught in the broom and rolled out

intoа theа middle of theа room.а I stared at it.а Itа was a shinyа elongated

cylinder aboutа theа sizeа of my thumb.а I poked at it withа the broom.а The

cylinder swayed, something crackledа crisply, and theа room filled withа the

smell of ozone. I threw the broomа aside andа picked up the cylinder. It was

smooth, finely polished, and warm to the touch. I tapped it with my nail and

again it crackled. I turned it to see the other end, and at the same moment,

felt theа floorа swayа under my feet. Everything turnedа beforeа myа eyes. I

struck something most painfully with my heels, then my shoulder, and then my

occiput, droppedа theа cylinder,а andа finishedа my fall.а I wasа thoroughly

disorientedа and didа not immediatelyа grasp that I was lying inа the narrow

space between wall and stove. Theа lampа was swinging overhead, and, raising

my eyes, I was surprised to discover the prints of my rib-soled shoes on the

ceiling. Groaning, I climbed out of theа crack and looked at my soles.а They

had calcimine on them.

аааа "Howа aboutа that," I cerebrated aloud. "Why notа percolate through the

plumbing next . . ."

аааа I searched visually for the cylinder. It stood, touching the floor with

anа edge of its flatа end, in an attitude defying all the laws of balance. I

approached it cautiously and squatted down next to it. It was swaying to and

fro andа crackling softly.а Iа lookedа at it for a long time, stretchingа my

neck, andа thenа blew onа it. The littleа cylinder rocked harder andа leaned

over, at which point there was a stir of wind and a sound of hoarse clucking

behind my back. I turned to lookа and sat down hardа on the floor.а There on

the stove, folding its wings, satа a colossus ofа a griffin with a bald neck

and menacingly curved beak.

аааа "How do you do,"а I said.а I was convinced that the griffinа was of the

talking variety.

аааа Itа lookedа atа meа with one eye, whichа made its appearanceа instantly

resemble a hen. I waved my hand in a gesture of greeting. The griffin opened

its beak, but no words cameа forth.а It raised its wing and took to clicking

its beak,а searchingа underа itsа armpit.а Theа cylinderа keptа swayingа and

crackling. The griffin quit its hunt, drew its head down into its shoulders,

and covered its eyes withа a yellow membrane. Trying not to turnа my back to

it, I finished my clean-up and threw the litter out the doorа into the rainy

blackness. Then I returned to my room.

аааа Theа griffinа slept andа the ozone stank.а I checkedа myа watch: it was

twentyа pastа midnight.а I stoodа aа whileа lookingа downа atа the cylinder,

cogitatingа on theа conservationа of energyа and ofа matter,а too. It wasn't

likelyа that griffins condensed out of nothing.а Ifа theа given griffinа had

materializedа here inа Solovetz,а thenа itа mustа beа thatа aа griffinа (not

necessarily this given one) disappearedа in the Caucasus, or wherever it was

they lived.а I estimated theа energyа ofа transportа andа eyed theа cylinder

warily. Best not to touchа it, I thought. Better cover it upа with something

and letа it stay there.а I brought in the dipper from the hall, took careful

aim,а and,а holding my breath, letа it settle over theа cylinder. Next I sat

downа onа the stoolа andа waitedа for whatever would comeа next. The griffin

snored with remarkableа clarity. In the light of the lamp its feathers had a

coppery sheen,а andа its hugeа claws were sunk into the plaster. A stench of

decay slowly expanded from its vicinity.

аааа "You shouldn't have done it, Alexander Ivanovich," said a pleasant male

voice.

аааа "Done what?" I said, looking around at the mirror.

аааа "I am referring to the umclidet. . ."

аааа It was not the mirror talking. It was somebody else.

аааа "I don'tа understand what youа are talking about," I said. There was no

one in the room and I was beginning to feel irritated.

аааа "Iа am talking aboutа the umclidet,"а saidа the voice. "It was entirely

incorrect ofа you to cover it with an iron dipper. The unclidet-.-- -or,а as

you call it, the magic wand-- requires extremely careful handling."

аааа "That's why I covered it. . . . Why don't you come on in, comrade? It's

most unhandy to talk this way otherwise."

аааа "Thank you," said the voice.

аааа Rightа in front of me, aа most assiduously dressed, pale manа in a gray

suit of superb cut slowly tookа shape. Hisа headа bentа slightlyа aside,а he

inquired withа exquisiteа politeness,а "Dare I hopeа that Iа didа not unduly

disturb you?"

аааа "Not at all," I said, rising. "Please be seated and feel at home. Would

you like some tea?"

аааа "Thankа you," said the stranger and satа down opposite me, hitching his

trousersа with a decorous gesture.а "Asа forа tea,а please letа meа beg off,

Alexander Ivanovich; I just had supper."

аааа He looked me in the eye a while, wearing a drawing-room smile. I smiled

back.

аааа "You are after the sofa, right?" I said. "Alas, the sofa is not here. I

am very sorry, and I don't even know.."

аааа The stranger threw up his hands.

аааа "Suchа triflesl" heа said. "Such aа commotionа over a lot ofа nonsense,

forgiveа me,а in whichа no oneа really believes.а . .а . Judge for yourself,

Alexanderа Ivanovich--а toа engageа inа mysteriesа andа repulsiveа cinematic

pursuits, to disturb people over the mythical . . .а I fear this word,а yes,

the mythical White Thesis. . . . Any sane thinking man considers the sofa as

a universal translator, somewhat oversize, but quite well made and stable in

operation. The old ignoramuses prattling about the White Thesis areа all the

more ludicrous. . . . No, I don't even wish to talk about this sofa."

аааа "As youа wish, sir,"а Iа said, concentrating my best high-societyа tone

into the phrase. "Let's talk of something else. . .

аааа "Superstitions .а .а .а bigotryа .а .а ."а heа murmured absentmindedly.

"Laziness of thoughtа and envy, arrant tentacle-sprouting envy. . ."а He cut

himself off. "Forgive me, Alexander Ivanovich, but may I take it upon myself

toа ask yourа permission to remove the pitcher?а Regretfully the iron is not

transparent to the hyperfield, and the rise in the tension of the hyperfield

in a restricted space . . ."

аааа I raised my hands.

аааа "By all means, take anything you wish! Take the pitcher away . . . Take

evenа thatа .а . .а um . . . um . . .а the magic wand..."а Thereа I stopped,

noticing with astonishment that the pitcher was no longer there. Theа little

cylinder stood in a pool of liquid resembling tinted mercury. The liquid was

evaporating rapidly.

аааа "It'sа betterа thatа way, I assure you," said the stranger. "As to your

high-minded suggestionа to remove the umclidet, I am unfortunately unable to

make avail of it. That is a question of ethics and morals, a matter of honor

ifа youа will. . . .а Conventions are soа strong! I shallа permit myselfа to

advise you not to touch the umclidet again.а I can see you hurting yourself,

and thenа the eagle .а . .а Iа surmise you detect the. .. eh. . .а a certain

aroma."

аааа "Indeed," I said with feeling. "Itа stinks аatrociously. Likeа a monkey

house."

аааа We looked at the eagle. The griffin slept, its feathers fluffed out.

аааа "To employ the umclidet properly," said the stranger, "is a complex and

fine art. You must not by any means reproach yourself or feel chagrined. The

courseа on the usage of the umclidetа takes eightа semesters and requiresа a

thorough knowledgeа of quantum alchemy.а Asа aа software expert,а youа would

probablyа assimilateа theа electron-level umclidet operationа withoutа undue

effort,а theа oneа designatedа asа theа UEU-Seventeenа . . . but the quantum

umclidet .а .а . hyperfieldа .а . . matterа translationа . .а .а Lomonosov's

generalized law-- Lavoisier . . ." He spread his hands apologetically.

аааа "I understand perfectly!" I said precipitately. "I don't even pretend..

. Of course, I am totally unprepared."

аааа Here I caught myself and offered him a cigarette.

аааа "Thank you veryа much,"а said theа stranger. "I don't use them,а toа my

everlasting regret."

аааа Undulating myа fingerа inа a gestureа of politeness,а I inquired--а not

asked, mind you, but inquired-- "Would it be improper of me to learn to what

I owe the pleasure of our meeting?"

аааа The stranger looked down in some embarrassment.

аааа "Atа the risk of appearing immodest," he said, "I must, alack,а confess

that I haveа been present here for some time.а I would wish to avoidа naming

names,а butа I thinkа that even to you,а Alexander Ivanovich, who are remote

from all this, it must be obvious thatа a certain unhealthyа fuss has arisen

aroundа the sofa,а thatа a scandal is brewing, the atmosphere is heating up,

and theа tensionа is rising. Errorsа and highly undesirable coincidences are

inevitable in such anа environment. . . . We don't have to look far for some

examples.а Aа certainа personage-- Iа repeatа I don't wishа toа nameа names,

especially as a colleague isа involved, whoа deserves everyа respect,а and I

have inа mind a huge talent andа self-denial,а ifа notа good manners-- so, a

certain personage, being in a hurry and in a state of nervous tension, loses

an umclidetа hereа andа thisа umclidetа becomesа theа center of aа sphere of

activity,а intoа whichа someone,а whoа hasа noа relation whateverа toа these

activities, is drawn. . . ." He bowed in my direction. "In such instances, a

counteractionаа somehowа neutralizingа theа badаа influencesа isа absolutely

required..."а Heа glancedа atа theа bootprintsа on theа ceilingа withа stern

significance,а thenа smiledа atа me. "But I wouldn'tа wantа to appearа as an

abstract altruist. Naturally,а all these eventsа are of immenseа interest to

me, bothа as aа specialist andа asа an administrator. . .а . Anyway, I don't

intend toа importuneа you any longer, and, inasmuchа as youа have assured me

that you will not experiment any further with the umclidet,а I would like to

ask your permission to retire."

аааа He got up.

аааа "How can you!" I exclaimed. "Don't leave-- it's so nice talking to you.

I have a thousand questions for you."

аааа "I value your sensitivity most highly, Alexander Ivanovich, but you are

fatigued, you must rest."

аааа "Not at all!" I countered hotly. "Just the opposite."

аааа "Alexander Ivanovich," pronounced the stranger, looking fixedlyа inа my

eyes and smiling tenderly, "but you are indeed tired. And you really want to

rest."

аааа Atа onceа I felt thatа Iа wasа fallingа asleep. My eyelids seemed glued

together. I wasn't interested in talk.а Iа wasn't interested in anything.а I

had an overpowering desire to sleep.

аааа "It has beenа an exceptional pleasure toа make yourа acquaintance," the

stranger said quietly.

аааа I watched asа he grew paler and paler and slowly dissolvedа in the air,

leaving behind a scent of expensiveа cologne. Somehow I spread theа mattress

on the floor, stuck my face in the pillow, and was instantly asleep.

аааа I was awakenedа byа the flapping of wingsа and unpleasant clackingsа of

beak. Theа roomа wasа filled with aа peculiar bluish glow. On the stove, the

griffinа rustledа about,а beatа hisа wingsа onа theа ceiling,а andа screamed

disgustingly. I sat up and looked about. Right in the middle of theа room, a

burly fellow dressed in working pants and loud sport shirt hung suspended in

the air. Heа soared over аthe umclidet, and without touching it, made smooth

swimming motions over it with his great bony hands.

аааа "What's going on?" I asked.

аааа The lout glanced at me briefly under his shoulder and turned away.

аааа "I don't hear a reply," I said angrily. I was still very sleepy.

аааа "Quiet, youа mortal," the loutа said hoarsely. He ceased his passes and

took the cylinder off the floor. His voice seemed familiar.

аааа "Hey, friend!" I said menacingly. "Put the gadget back and clear out."

аааа The fellowа looked at me, his jaw outthrust. I threw off theа sheet and

stood up.

аааа "What say you put down the umclidet!" I said in full voice.

аааа The fellow sank slowly down, and planting his feet firmly on the floor,

took a stance. It got a lot lighterа in the room, though the little lamp was

not on.

аааа "Child," said the fellow. "Night is for sleeping. Best you lie down."

аааа The fellow clearly didn't mind a good bout. But then, I didn't either.

аааа "Shall weа go out inа the yard?"а Iа offered in aа businesslike manner,

hitching up my shorts.

аааа Someone suddenly declaimed with expression,а "Concentrating my thoughts

onа theа highest,а I,а deliveredа ofа lustа and self-love,а cured ofа mental

arrogance, fight on, Arjuna!"

аааа I started. So did the sporty fellow.

 

аааа "Bhagavad Gita," said the voice. "Song the third, verse thirty."

аааа "It's the mirror," I said automatically.

аааа "I know that myself," said the fellow.

аааа "Put down the umclidet!" I demanded.

аааа "What's with you, screaming like aа sick elephant?" said my man.а "It's

not yours, is it?"

аааа "And maybe it belongs to you?"

аааа "Yes, it does!"

аааа I was struck with a surmise.

аааа "So you dragged off the sofa, too?"

аааа "Don't stick your nose in other people's business," advised he.

аааа "Give back the sofa," I said. "A receipt has been made out for it."

аааа "Go to hell!" said the fellow, glancing behind him.

аааа At which point, two more appeared in the room: one portly and one thin,

both in striped pajamas, reminiscent of Sing-Sing inmates.

аааа "Korneev!"а yelledа Portly.а "Soа it'sа you thievingа the sofa?а What a

disgrace!"

аааа "You can all go-- " said the lout.

аааа "Youа areа aа foul-mouthedа ruffian!"а yelledа Portly.а "Youа should be

expelled! I will put in a complaint about you!"

аааа "So, go ahead," Korneev said gloomily. "It's your favorite occupation."

аааа "Don't you dareа talk to me in that vein!а You areа a callow youngster!

You are impudent! You have forgotten your umclidet here! The young man could

have been injured."

аааа "I've been injured," Iа mixedа in.а "The sofa is gone,а I have to sleep

like a dog, every night there are argumentsа and the eagleа there stinks . .

."

аааа Portly turned to me instantly.

аааа "Anа unheard-of violationа ofа discipline," he proclaimed.а "You should

complain. .а .а Asа for you, youа shouldа be ashamed!" heа said, turningа to

Korneev again.

аааа Korneev was dourly stuffing the umclidet behind his cheek.

аааа The thin man suddenly spoke out softly but ominously.

аааа "Did you remove the Thesis, Korneev?"

аааа The lout grinned darkly.

аааа "There is no Thesis, of course," he said. "Why do you keep on simpering

about it? Ifа you don't want us to steal the sofa,а then let us have another

translator . . ."

аааа "You did read the order forbidding the removal of items from the keep?"

the thin man demanded, all grim.

аааа Korneev stuck his hands in his pockets and gazed at the ceiling.

аааа "Are you informed of the decision of the Learned Council?" inquired the

thin man, again.

аааа "I am informed, comrade Demin, that Monday begins on Saturday," Korneev

said gloomily.

аааа "Don't start in with that kind of demagogy," said the thin man. "Return

the sofa at once and don't dare come back here again."

аааа "Iа will not return the sofa,"а said Korneev. "Whenа theа experiment is

finished, then we'll return it."

аааа Portly madeа aа revolting spectacle ofа himself. "Insubordination!"а he

screeched.а "Hooliganism!" Theа griffinа tookа to agitatedа screaming again.

Without taking his hands out of his pockets, Korneev turned his back on them

andа stepped through the wall. Portly took off after him, yelling, "Oh,а no!

You are going to return the sofa!"

аааа The thinа man said toа me,а "It'sа allа a misunderstanding.а We'll take

measures so it won't happenа again." He noddedа hisа head and alsoа advanced

toward the wall.

аааа "Wait!" I cried out. "The eagle! Take the eagle! With the stench!"

аааа Theа thin man,а already half imbedded inа theа wall, turned aroundа and

beckoned the eagle with his finger. The griffin flung itself noisily off the

stove and was drawnа in under hisа fingernail. The thin man disappeared. The

blue light faded slowly. It became dark and rain resumed its drumming on the

windowpanes. I turned on the lightа and looked the room over.а Everything in

it was as before, except for the deep gouges on the stove from the griffin's

claws and the senseless and wild footprints on the ceiling.

аааа "The clear butter,а formed in cows," pronounced the mirror with idiotic

profundity,а "does not contribute to its nourishment,а but itа providesа the

best food value, when properly processed."

аааа I turned off the light and lay down. I am going to hear plenty from the

crone tomorrow, I thought.

 

 

 

Chapter 6

 

 

аааа "No," he replied in answer to the insistent question in my eyes.

аааа "1 am not a member of the club, I am a-- ghost."

аааа "Very well, butа that does not give you the right toа saunter about the

club."

 

аааааааааааааа H. G. Wells

 

 

 

 

аааа In the morning, it turned out that the sofa wasа standing in its place.

I wasа not surprised. I only thought that, one way orа theа other, the crone

had achieved her purpose:а the sofa was in one corner and I was lying in the

other. Picking up the bedding and doing my exercises, I cogitated that there

probably existed some limit to the capacity of being surprised. Apparently I

had overstepped that limit by a large margin. Iа was actually experiencing a

sort of lassitude. I attempted to imagineа anything thatа could now astonish

me, but all my fantasizingа proved inadequate.а I didn't like that the least

bit since I couldn't stand people incapable of being astonished. True, I was

far from the attitude of "So what,а I've seen it before." My conditionа more

closely approximated that of Alice in Wonderland. I was in a dreamlike state

and accepted,а orа was readyа to accept,а any wonder that calledа for a more

varied reaction than an open mouth andа blinking eyes, as something I should

expect.

аааа Iа was stillа doing my setting-up exercises, when a door bangedа in the

entry,а heels tappedа andа scraped,а someone coughed, somethingа crashed and

fell, and an authoritative voice called out: "Comrade Gorynitch!"

аааа Theа old woman didа notа respond,а and voicesа inа the entryа beganа to

converse.

аааа "What is that door . . . 7" Aha, I see. And this one?"

аааа "This is the entrance to the museum."

аааа "And here? What's this-- everything is locked up..."

аааа "An exceedingly well-managed woman, Janus Poluektovich. And this is the

telephone."

аааа "And where is the famous sofa? In the museum?"

аааа "No. The repository should be right here."

аааа "It's here," said a familiar gloomy voice.

аааа Theа doorа toа myа room swungа openа andа aа tall, spareа old manа with

magnificentа snow-white hair but black eyebrows, black moustache,а andа deep

black eyes,а appeared on the threshold. Seeing me (I stood in shortsа only,.

arms to the side, feet apart to the breadth of my shoulders), he stopped and

said in a resonant voice, "So!"

аааа To his right and left more faces were peering into the room. I said, "I

beg your pardon," andа trottedа toward myа jeans.а However, no attention was

paid me. Four came into the roomа and crowded around the sofa. I knew two of

them: the gloomy Korneev, unshaved, with red eyes, and in the same frivolous

Hawaiian shirt;а and the swarthy hawk-nosed Roman, who winked at me, turning

awayа at once. Theа white-haired one, I didn't know. Likewise, I didn't know

the portly tall man in the blackа suit with shiny backа and wide proprietary

gestures.

аааа "This sofa, here?" asked the shiny-suited man.

аааа "It's not a sofa," Korneev said morosely. "It's a translator."

аааа "Toа meа it'sа aа sofa," declaredа the shiny-suitedа one, lookingа at a

notebook.а "Sofa,а stuffed, oversize, inventory number eleven twenty-three."

He bent down and palpated. "Now you got it wet, Korneev; you've been lugging

itа aboutа in theа rain.а Considerа now: theа springsа rustedа through,а the

upholstery rotting."

аааа "Theа value of theа subject item," said hawk-nosedа Roman, in a mocking

vein, itа seemed to me, "does not lieа at all in the upholstery and not even

in the springs, of which there aren't any".

аааа "You will please desist, Roman Petrovich," suggested the shiny one with

dignity.а "Don'tа be protecting yourа Korneev. The sofa is registered at the

museum, as far as I am concerned, and that's where it must be."

аааа "It'sа anа apparatus,"а Korneevа said hopelessly. "It'sа being usedа in

serious work."

аааа "I don't know aboutа that," declared the shiny one.а "I don't know what

kind of work that would be with the sofa."

аааа "But some of us do know," said Roman very softly.

аааа "You will desist," said the shiny one, turning on him. "Youа are not in

a beer hall, youа are in aа place ofа work here. Whatа do youа have in mind,

substantively?"

аааа "I amа considering theа fact that it's not a sofa," saidа Roman, "or in

terms more within your reach, it's not only a sofa. It's an apparatus having

the external appearance of a sofa."

аааа "I would ask you to desist from these insinuations," said the shiny one

with determination. "Regarding forms within reach andа so forth. Let'sа each

ofа us do his job. My job is toа stop this wanton misuse-- and I am stopping

it."

аааа "So," saidа theа white-hairedа one clearly. All wereа quiet at once. "I

haveа been conversing with Cristobalа Joseevich and Feodor Simeonovich. They

suggestа that theа sofa represents purely a museumа value. In itsа time,а it

belonged to Kingа Rudolph the second, so that its historical value is beyond

dispute.а Besides,а if myа memory аservesа me right, aboutа two years ago we

ordered aа standardа translator. Do youа rememberа whoа orderedа it,а Modest

Matveevich?

аааа "One minute," saidа the shiny Modestа andа started to leaf throughа his

notebook rapidly. "One moment .а . . translator, dual-powered, TDX-eight-OE,

Kitezhgrad factory per request of comrade Balsamo."

аааа "Balsamo works it round the clock," said Roman.

аааа "Brummagem,а isа whatа theаа TDXа amountsа to,"а addedа Korneev.а "It's

selectivity is on the molecular level."

ааа а"Yes,а yes," saidа The Gray-hairs. "Iа am remembering now. There wasа a

report on the test of the TDX. It'sа true that theа selectivity curve is not

smooth . . . yes. And this. . .eh . . . sofa?"

аааа "Handwork,"а saidа Roman quickly.а "Faultless. The craftsmanship of Leo

Ben Beczalel. He assembled and tuned it for three hundred years. .."

аааа "There you are!" said the shiny Modest. "That's the way to work! He was

an old man, but he did it all himself."

аааа Suddenlyа the mirror coughed and said, "They all becameа younger, after

staying an hour in the water, and came out of it just as rosy, good-looking,

youthful. Healthy, and full of joie de vivre as they were at twenty."

аааа "Precisely,"а said Modest.а The mirrorа was talking in theа gray-haired

one's voice.

аааа The gray-haired one grimaced with distaste.

аааа "Let's not decide this question right now," he said.

аааа "When, then?" asked the rude Korneev.

аааа "Friday, at the Learned Council."

аааа "We can't devalue our relics," inserted Modest Matveevich.

аааа "And what are we going to do?" asked the rude Korneev.

аааа The mirror boomed forth in a menacing voice as from beyond the grave:

аааа "I saw itа for myself, how, picking up their blackа skirts, there went,

The barefooted Kanidia, hair undone, and howling,а and with her, Sagana, the

elder in years, both whiteа of face and fearful to look upon. Then they both

tore at the earth with fingernails and ripped the black lamb with their bare

teeth."

аааа The gray-haired one,а stillа grimacingа inа distaste,а went upа toа the

mirror, inserted his armа into it up to the shoulder,а and snapped something

inside. The mirror became quiet.

аааа "So," said the gray-haired one, "theа question of your group willа also

be resolved at the council. As for you"-- you could tell by his face that he

had forgotten Korneev's patronymic-- "refrainа for the time being .а .а . eh

from visiting the museum."

аааа With these words he left the room. Through the door.

аааа "You'veа gotа yourа way,"а said Korneevа throughа his teeth, looking at

Modest Matveevich.

аааа "Wantonа misuse,а I'llа not allow,"а he answeredа shortly,а shoving the

notebook in his inside pocket.

аааа "Misuse!"а saidа Korneev.а "Youа don'tа giveа aа hangа about allа that.

Accountancy is what bothers you. Reluctance to enter an extra item."

аааа "Willа youа desist,"а saidа theа unbendingа Modest.а "We'llа appointа a

commission yet and we'll see if perhaps the relic has been damaged.

аааа "Inventory number eleven twenty-three," added Roman in a small voice.

аааа "That'sа howа you haveа toа accept it,"а pronouncedа Modestа Matveevich

majestically. Thenа he turned and saw me. "And whatа are you doing here?" he

inquired. "Why are you sleeping here?"

аааа "I-- " I began.

аааа "You slept on the sofa," proclaimed Modest in icy tones, boring through

me with the gaze of the counterspy. "You know that it is an apparatus?"

аааа "No," I said. "I wean that now I know, of course."

аааа "Modest Matveevich!"а exclaimed theа hawk-nosed Roman. "Butа that's our

new computer expert, Sasha Privalov!"

аааа "So, why is he sleeping here? Why isn't he in the dorm?"

аааа "He is not registered yet," said Roman, grabbing me around the waist.

аааа "All the more reason!"

аааа "You mean, let him sleep in the street?" Roman asked angrily.

а ааа"Youа will kindly desist with that,"а saidа Modest. "There's theа dorm,

there is aа hotel,а and thisа hereа isа a museum, aа stateа institution.а If

everyone will take to sleeping in museums . . . Where are you from?"

аааа "From Leningrad," I said gloomily.

аааа "And what if I come to Leningrad and go to bed in the Hermitage?"

аааа "You are welcome to it," I said, shrugging my shoulders.

аааа Roman kept holding me around the waist.

аааа "Modest Matveevich, you areа quite right, it is disorderly, but tonight

he will sleep at my place."

аааа "That's a different matter; that you are welcome to do," Modest allowed

magnanimously.а He looked the roomа overа withа a proprietary eye,а sawа the

prints on the ceiling,а and immediately looked at my feet. Fortunately I was

barefooted. "That's how you have to accept it,"а said he,а then straightened

the trash on the hanger and left the room.

аааа "D-dumbbell,"а squeezed out Korneev.а "Blockhead."а Heа sat down on the

sofa and lowered his head on his hands. "To hell with them all. Tonight I'll

drag it off again."

аааа "Take it easy,"а Roman saidа gently. "Nothing terrible has happened. We

just had some bad luck. Did you notice which Janus that was?"

аааа "So?" said Korneev, despondent.

аааа "That was Janus-A."

аааа Korneev raised his head. "And what's the difference?"

аааа "Tremendous!" said Roman and winked. "Because Janus-U has taken a plane

to Moscow. And, it's important among other things, in relation to this sofa.

Did you grasp that, pillager of museum treasures?"

аааа "Listen. You are my savior," said Korneev, and for the first time I saw

how he smiled.

аааа "Youа see, Sasha,"а saidа Roman,а addressingа me,а "weа haveа anа ideal

director. He is one director in two individuals.

аааа There is a Janus-A Poluektovich andа a Janus-U Poluektovich. Janus-U is

an important scientist withа international stature. As forа Janus-A, he is a

rather ordinary administrator."

аааа "Twins?" I inquired cautiously.

аааа "Ofа course not;а it's one andа theа sameа man.а Onlyа he exists as two

persons."

аааа "Obviously," I said, and started to put on my shoes.

аааа "That's all right, Sasha, you'll getа to knowа it all soon," Roman said

encouragingly.

аааа I raised my head. "Meaning what?"

аааа "We must have a computer man," said Roman with deep sincerity.

аааа "I need one very badly," said Korneev, becoming animated.

аааа "Everybody needsа a programmer," I said, returning myа attention to the

shoes. "And, please, no hypnotism or some charmed environments."

аааа "He's catching on," said Roman.

аааа Korneev wasа goingа toа say something when voicesа eruptedа outside the

window.

аааа "That's not our five kopecks!" yelled Modest.

аааа "Whose is it, then?"

аааа "I don't know whose it is! That's not myа affair!а That's your affair--

to catch the counterfeiters, comrade Sergeant!"

аааа "The five-kopeck piece was extractedа fromа aа certain Privalov, who is

living here with you in the Iznakurnozh!"

ааа а"Aha, from Privalov? I knew right away that he was a thief!"

аааа Theа reproachfulа voiceа ofа Janus-Aа brokeа in:а "Tut,аа tut,аа Modest

Matveevich!"

аааа "No--а excuse me, Janusа Poluektovich,а itа can'tа beа let goа at that!

Comrade Sergeant, let's go in! He is inside. . Janus Poluektovich,а stand by

theа window, so he'll notа jumpа out ofа it. I'll prove it!а I'll notа allow

aspersions to be cast on comrade Gorynitch!"

аааа A nasty,а cold sensation beganа to spread inа my stomach. But Roman had

already assessed theа situation. He grabbed aа greasy cap off the hanger and

clapped it down on my ears.

аааа I disappeared.

аааа It was aа very strange sensation. Everything remained in place,а except

myself. But Roman would not permit me to absorb the new sensations.

аааа "It'sа an invisibility cap," he hissed. "Moveа offа to theа side and be

quiet."

аааа Iа ran to the cornerа on tiptoes and squatted underа the mirror. At the

sameа instant, Modest,а besideа himself,а burstа into the room, dragging the

young Sergeant Kovalev by his sleeve.

аааа "Whereа isа he?" hollered Modestа looking about. "There,"а saidа Roman,

pointing at the sofa. "Don't worry, it's where it should be," added Korneev.

"I am asking--а where is he, that programmerа of yours?"а "What programmer?"

Roman feigned puzzlement. "Now, you will stop that!" said Modest. "There was

a programmer here. He stood there with his pants on and no shoes."

аааа "Oh,а so that's what you have in mind,"а said Roman. "Butа we were just

kidding, Modestа Matveevich. There wasn't any programmer here! Itа wasа just

a--а " He made a gestureа with his hands and a man appeared in the middle of

theа room, dressed inа jeans and sport shirt.а Iа saw him from the back, and

can't say any more about him, but the young Kovalev shook his head and said,

"No, that's not him."

аааа Modest walked around the apparition, mumbling, "Sport shirt . . . pants

. . . no shoes. . . . It's him, it's him."

аааа The apparition vanished.

аааа "No,а no, that's not theа man," said Sergeant Kovalev. "Theа otherа was

young, without a beard.

аааа "Without a beard?" demanded Modest. He was seriously embarrassed.

аааа "No beard," confirmed Kovalev.

аааа "Mmm-- yes," said Modest "But I was sure he had a beard..."

аааа "I am handing you the notification," said Sergeant Kovalev, and offered

Modestа an official-looking sheet ofа paper.а "It's up to you to figureа out

what's what between your Privalov and your Gorynitch..."

аааа "And Iа am telling you, it's not our five-kopeck piece!" yelled Modest.

"I am not sayingа a word about Privalov.а Maybe Privalov doesn't even exist,

as such.... But comrade Gorynitch is a colleague!"

аааа Youngа Kovalev,а pressingа hisа handsа toа breast,а wasа trying toа say

something.

аааа "Iа demandа that this be cleared up atа once!" yelled Modest. "You stop

that, comradeа Sergeant! The notification, as given, castsа a shadowа on the

whole collective! I insist that you make certain!"

аааа "Iа have my orders-- "а Kovalev began, but Modest, with aа cry of, "You

stop that! I insist," flew at him and dragged him out of the room.

аааа "Off toа theа museum,"а said Roman. "Sasha, where are you? Take off the

cap; let's go see...."

аааа "Maybe I'd do better not to remove it," I said.

аааа "Take it off, take it off," said Roman. "You areа now a phantom. No one

believes in you, neither the administration nor the police."

аааа Korneev said, "I am off to getа some sleep. Sasha, come on around after

dinner. You'll see our collection of machines, and in general.."

аааа I took off the cap.

аааа "You stop that," I said. "I'm on vacation."

аааа "Let's go, let's go," said Roman.

аааа In the hall,а Modest was opening the massive padlockа with one hand and

clutching Kovalevа with theа other. "I'llа showа you our coin right now!" he

yelled. "Everything is registered.. . . Everything is in its place."

аааа "I'm not saying anything at all," Kovalev defended himself weakly. "I'm

only saying that there may be more than one coin..

аааа Modest threw open the door and we all went into a spacious chamber.

аааа It was quite a proper museum, with stands, diagrams, windows, mock-ups,

andа moulages. Its generalа appearance was more reminiscent of a criminology

museumа thanа anything else: lots of photographs and unappetizingа displays.

Modest immediately dragged Kovalevа behind theа stands,а where they tookа to

booming as in a hollow barrel.

аааа "Here's our coin. ..."

аааа "I didn't say-- "

аааа "Comrade Gorynitch-- "

ааа а"I have my orders!"

аааа "You stop that!"

аааа "Beа inquisitive, be inquisitive,а Sasha,"а saidа Roman,а making a wide

gesture and sitting down in the easy chair by the entrance.

аааа I went along the wall. I was notа astonishedа byа anything. Iа was just

immenselyа interested. Water-of-Life, Effectivity 52%, Permissibleа Sediment

0.3:а (ancientа square bottleа with water;а corkа sealedа with colored wax);

Diagram ofа Commercialа Process for Manufacturingа Water of Life; Mock-up of

Live-Auto-Conversionа Cube;а Changelingа Salts ofа Veshkovsk-Traubenbachа (a

drugstore bottleа withа poisonous yellowа paste);а Badа Blood,а Ordinaryа (a

soldered ampul with black liquid).

аааа Overа this entireа stand hung aа tablet: ACTIVE CHEMICAL AGENTS.а XII--

XVIII CENTURIES. There were many more little bottles, jars, retorts, ampuls,

test tubes, working and nonworking models for extraction,а distillation, and

concentration, but I went on.

 

аааа Enchanted Swordа (veryа rustyа two-handedа swordа withа aа wavyа blade,

shackled with a chain to an iron counter, window meticulously sealed); Right

Eyetoothа [Working] of Countа Draculaа (I'm no Cuvier, butа judgingа by that

tooth, Countа Dracula must have been a most unusualа and unpleasant person);

Footprint,а Normal, andа Footprint, Extractedа (to my eye, theyа lookedа the

same, but oneа had a crack inа it); Mortarа onа Launchingа pad,а IXа Century

(massive construction of porous gray cast iron); Dragon Gorynitch, Skeleton,

1/25 Natural Size (similarа to a diplodocus with three heads);а Schematic of

Fire-breathing Gland,а middleа Head;а Seven-leagueа Boots, Gravitic, Working

Modelа (very large rubber boots); Flyingа Carpet, Anti-gravitic, Operational

Model (aа rug,а about four by fiveа with aа he-Circassianа embracing a young

she-Circassian against a background of piled mountain peaks).

аааа Iа arrivedа atа theа displayаа Developmentа ofа theаа Conceptаа ofа the

Philosopher's Stone, when Sergeant Kovalev and Modest Matveevicbа reappeared

in the aisle. By all indications, they had not been successful in moving off

their dead center.

аааа "You can stop that," Modest kept saying tiredly.

аааа "I have my orders," replied Kovalev just as wearily.

аааа "Our coin is in its place. . .

аааа "Let the old woman come in and make a deposition. . ."

аааа "So then, according to you, counterfeiters?"

аааа "I didn't say that. .."

аааа "We'll get to the bottom of it..."

аааа Kovalev didn't notice me, but Modest stopped, looked me over dully from

headа toа foot,а screwedа upа hisа eyes,аа andа lecturedаа aloudаа drearily,

"Ho-mun-culus, laboratory model, general type," and went on.

аааа I started off after them, sensing a bad premonition. Roman was awaiting

us by the door.

аааа "How goes it?" he asked.

аааа "It's a disgrace," said Modest in a wilted tone. "Bureaucrats!"

аааа "1 have my orders," Kovalev repeated stubbornly from the entry.

аааа Roman went out. I made to move after him, but Modest stopped me.

аааа "Excuse me," he said. "Where are you going?"

аааа "How do you mean-- where?" I said in a fallen voice.

аааа "To your place, go to your place."

аааа "What place?"

аааа "Well, wherever it isа that youа stand. You are-- pardon me-- aа .а . .

ho-munculus? Then be kind enough to stand where you are supposed to stand."

аааа Iа understood that I was lost.а And I probably would have been, because

Roman apparently also lost hisа presence of mind, but just then Naina Kievna

lumberedа into the entry, stompingа andа clacking and pulling alongа a hefty

black goat on a rope. At the sightа of the policeman, the goat bleatedа in a

sick tone and took off. Naina Kievna fell down. Modest flew to the entry and

a horrendous commotion ensued. Theа empty vat rolledа off itsа stand withа a

thunderous rumble. Romanа grabbedа meа by theа hand, and whispering,а "Move,

move!"а flew into my room. Weа shut the door and fell againstа it, breathing

heavily. Yells wafted from the entry.

аааа "Present your documents!"

аааа "Mercy, governor, what's that for?"

аааа "Why the goat? Why a goat in the house!"

аааа "Now you stop that; this is not a beer hall."

аааа "I don'tа know about your five-kopeck piece, andа it's noа businessа of

mine."

аааа "Me-eh-eh!"

аааа "Citizeness, remove the goat!"

аааа "Stop it! The goat is registered!"

аааа "Registered? How?"

аааа "It's not a goat! He is our colleague!" -

аааа "Then let him present-- "

аааа "Out the window and into the car!" ordered Roman.

аааа I grabbed my jacket and jumped out.а Basilа scuttled out from underа my

feet,а meowing. Bendingа low,а Iа ranа to the car, threwа open the door, and

jumped behind the wheel.а Romanа was already opening theа gate.а Theа engine

wouldn't start.а Torturingа the starter, I could see the door to the cottage

open and theа blackа goatа runningа out,а bounding off withа giganticа leaps

somewhere aroundа the corner. The engine caught and roared.а I swung the car

aroundа and lurched out into the street. Theа oaken gate shut with aа crash.

Roman popped out behind the small gate and flung himself on the seatа beside

me.

аааа "Go!" he said vigorously. "Downtown!"

аааа While we were turning onto the Prospect of Peace, he asked, "So, how do

you like it here with us?"

аааа "I like," I said. "Only it's very raucous."

аааа "It's always raucous at Naina's," said Roman. "A contraryа old hag. She

hasn't taken advantage of you?"

аааа "No," I said. "We had almost no truck with each other."

аааа "Wait up," said Roman. "Slow down."

аааа "What's up?"

аааа "There goes Volodia. Remember him?"

аааа I braked. The bearded Volodia climbed into the back seat, and,а beaming

happily, shook our hands.

аааа "Great!" he said. "I was just on my way to your place."

аааа "That's all we needed there-- you," said Roman.

аааа "How did it all end?"

аааа "No how," said Roman.

аааа "Where are you going now?"

аааа "To the Institute," said Roman.

аааа "What for?" I asked.

аааа "To work," said Roman.

аааа "I'm on vacation."

аааа "That's immaterial," said Roman, "Monday begins on Saturday andа August

will begin in July, this time."

аааа "My friends are waiting," I said, pleading.

аааа "We'll takeа careа ofа that,"а saidа Roman.а "Yourа friends will notice

absolutely nothing."

аааа "It's enough to drive you insane," I said.

аааа We drove in between retail store No. 2 and dining room No. 11.

аааа "He already knows where to go," noted Volodia.

аааа "Stout fellow," said Roman. "A giant!"

аааа "I took a liking to him right from the start," said VoIodia.

аааа "Obviously you must have aа programmer orа die,"а I said. "We needа far

more than just any programmer," contradicted Roman.

аааа I braked alongside the strange building with the SRITS sign between the

windows.

аааа "What does it mean?" I asked. "Could I at least learnа where I am being

impressed to work?"

аааа "You may," said Roman. "You are nowа permitted everything.а Itа isа The

Scientific Researchа Institute for Thaumaturgy and Spellcraft. ... Well, why

are you standing? Drive in!"

аааа "Where?" I asked.

аааа "Don't tell me you don't see it!"

аааа And I saw.

аааа But that is altogether a different tale.

 

 

 

 

а* THE SECOND TALE. Vanity of Vanities *

 

 

 

Chapter I

 

 

аааа Among the heroes, oneа or twoа standа out;а all others are regardedа as

secondary.

 

аааааааааааааа Methodology for Teaching Literature

 

 

 

аааа Aboutа two o'clockа in theа afternoon, when the input equipment breaker

blew again, the telephone rang. Modest Matveevich Kamnoedov, Deputy Director

of Administration and Plant, was on the line.

аааа "Privalov," he said severely, "why are you not at your post again?"

аааа "Whatа do youа mean, not at myа post?" I said in a hurt tone.а "Myа day

turned out to be particularly busy, and I forgot everything else."

аааа "You will be noted down for that," saidа Modest Matveevich.а "Youа were

due here with me for your instruction five minutes ago."

аааа "I'll be switched," I said, and hung up.

аааа I turned off theа machine, took off my lab coat and reminded theа girls

not to forget to turn off the power. The wide corridor was empty; a blizzard

blew behind the frosted windows. Putting on my jacket on theа run, I hurried

to the plant department.

аааа Modest Matveevich, in his shiny suit, awaited me regally in his private

reception room. Behind him, a small gnome with hairy earsа wasа runningа his

finger throughа aа page ofа a monstrousа ledger,а lookingа bothа dismalа and

diligent.

аааа "You, Privalov, youа areа likeа someа sortа ofа homunculus," pronounced

Modest. "Never in your place."

аааа Everyone triedа to maintainа onlyа the nicest ofа relations with Modest

Matveevich, inasmuchа asа he was a man ofа power, unbending and monumentally

ignorant. Therefore, I barked, "Yes, sir," and clicked my heels.

аааа "Everyoneа must be at his post," continuedа Modest. "Always. Andа there

you are with a higher education,а wearingа glassesа and growing a beard, yet

you can't seem to grasp this simple theorem."

аааа "It won't happen again!" I said, bulging my eyes.

аааа "I will hold you to that," said Modestа Matveevich, softening.а He drew

outа aа sheet of paperа from his pocket and lookedа at it a while. "So then,

Privalov," heа saidа finally, "todayа youа will replace the manа inа charge.

Watching over the Institute duringа a holiday is a responsible duty. There's

more to it than pressing push buttons. In the first place-- we have the fire

precautions. That's numberа one.а Noа auto-combustion is toа be allowed. You

will see to it that all the production areas entrusted to you have the power

switched off. You willа see to it personally,а without any of your doublings

and triplings. Withoutа any of your facsimiles. At any inkling of combustion

factors, you will call extension oh-one at once and take preventive measures

yourself. Takeа thisа alarm hornа for callingа the fireа brigade for suchа a

contingency. .а .а ."а Heа handedа meа a platinum whistleа stampedа withа an

inventoryа number.а "Likewise,а nobody'sа toа beа let in.а Here is a list of

persons allowed the use of the laboratories at night, but they are not to be

let in either, on account ofа it being a holiday. There's not to be a single

living soul in the Institute. The entry and exit demons are toа have a spell

castа onа them. Doа youа graspа the situation? Living soulsа are notа toа be

permitted in, and all others are notа to be permitted out. Because there was

aа precedent. Oneа of theа devils escaped and stole the moon. A widely known

incident,а whichа wasа evenа recordedа inа theа movies."а Heа lookedа atа me

meaningfully and suddenly asked for my documents.

аааа I obeyed.а Heа looked at my pass withа deep attention, returned it, and

pronounced, "Everything is in order. Actually,а I hadа a suspicionа that you

mightа stillа beа aа double.а Soа muchа forа that.а Wellа then,а atа fifteen

hundred-zero-zero, in accordance with labor laws, the working day willа end,

and everyoneа will deposit with you the keys toа all production areas. After

which,а you will personally inspectа theа territory.а Thereafter,а youа will

conductа tours everyа threeа hours with regard to auto-combustion.а You will

visit the vivarium not less than twice during the period ofа yourа watch. If

the supervisor is drinkingа tea, you will note that down.а Thereа haveа been

signs: it's not tea that he is drinking there. Acknowledge the above inа all

respects. Your post is in the director's reception room. You can rest on the

couch.а Tomorrowа atа sixteen hundred-zero-zero,а you willа beа replaced аby

Pochkin,а Volodia,а from the laboratoryа of comradeа Oira-Oira. Have you got

that?"

аааа "Entirely," I said.

аааа "I willа be calling youа during the night andа tomorrow. Personally.а A

checkup is also possible by the manager of Industrial Relations."

аааа "I understand," said I, looking through the list.

аааа The first thereon was the director of the Institute, Janus Poluektovich

Nevstruev,а withа a penciledа note:а TWO EX.а Nextа cameа Modestа Matveevich

himself.а Theаа thirdа wasа theа managerа ofа Industrialа Relations,а Cerber

Roverovich Demm, and then came names that I had never seen before.

аааа "Isа somethingа beyondа you?"а inquiredа Modestа Matveevich,а jealously

following my perusal.

аааа "Here,"а I said ponderously,а stabbing my finger at the list, "comrades

are presentа in the number ofа . . . mmm ... twenty-one,а notа knownа toа me

personally. I wouldа like toа go overа these namesа with you personally."а I

looked him straight in the eye and added firmly, "Just in case."

аааа "It's all correct," heа said condescendingly. "It's justа thatа you are

notа auа courant,а Privalov.а The persons listed, starting with numberа four

throughа number twenty-five, last and inclusive, have been admitted to night

workа posthumously. Inа recognition of past contributions.а Now doа you have

it?"

аааа Iа was still aа little dazed, asа getting used to it all was yet aа bit

much for me.

аааа "Assume your post," Modest Matveevich said grandiosely. "As for me, and

also in the nameа of theа administration, I congratulate you, Privalov, with

theа coming New Year, and wish you, in that newа year, every success both in

your work and in your personal life."

аааа I,а in turn,а wished him corresponding successes andа went out into the

hall.

аааа Havingа learned yesterday that I hadа been designated to stand watch, I

was pleased as I intended to finish a computation for Romanа Oira-Oira.а But

now I felt that the matter was not all that simple. The prospect of spending

the nightа atа the Institute suddenlyа appeared inа anа altogether different

light.а Iа had already stayedа lateа at work on previous occasions whenа the

economy-minded personnel leftа inа charge had turned off everyа fourа out of

five lights in the halls and I hadа to grope my way out past startled, furry

shapes. At first, this sort of thing had a heavy impact on me, then I became

used toа it. Then I became unused toа it againа the time when, passing along

the main hall, I heard behindа me the measured clack, clack, clackа of claws

onа theа parquet floor,а and turning,а discoveredа aа certain phosphorescent

animalа running unequivocallyа along my tracks. True, when they took me down

off theа cornice, it developed that it was an ordinary live dog belonging to

one of my colleagues. The colleague came to apologize, and Oira-Oira read me

aа scathing lecture on the evils of superstition, but nevertheless some sort

of unpleasant sediment remained in my soul. Firstа thing, I thought, wasа to

cast the proper spell on the demons.

аааа Atа the entrance to the director's receptionа room, Iа metа up with the

gloomy Victor Korneev. He nodded at me glumly and started to pass me by when

I caught him by the sleeve.

аааа "Well?" said the rude Korneev, stopping.

аааа "I am on watch, today," I informed him.

аааа "Too bad about you," said Korneev.

аааа "You really are a boor, Victor," I said. "Here is where I partа company

with you."

аааа Heа tuggedа atа the turtleneckа ofа hisа sweaterа withа aа finger,а and

contemplated me with interest.

аааа "Then what will you do?" he asked.

аааа "I'll find something," I said, somewhat taken aback.

аааа Suddenly, he came alive.

аааа "Wait a minute," he said. "Is this your first watch?"

аааа "Yes."

аааа "Aha," said Victor. "And how do you intend to proceed?"

аааа "Inа accordance with instructions," I replied. "I'll cast the spellа on

the demons and lie down to sleep. That's with regard to auto-combustion. And

where are you off to?"

аааа "Well, there's company coming togetherа over atа Vera's,"а saidа Victor

indefinitely. "And what's this?" He took my list. "Oh, the Dead Souls. ..

аааа "I'll not let anyone in," I said, "neither the live nor the dead."

аааа "A correct decision," saidа Victor. "The very essenceа ofа correctness.

But keep an eye on my laboratory. I'll have a double working there."

аааа "Whose double?"

аааа "Mine, naturally. Who is goingа to give meа his? I locked him in there;

here, take the key, since you are on watch."

аааа I took the key.

аааа "Listen,а Victor. Up toа tenа o'clock or so,а he can carry on, and then

I'll switch everything off. That is in accordance with the legislation."

аааа "All right, we'll see about it then. Have you seen Eddie?"

аааа "No,а I haven't," I said. "Andа don'tа snow me. Tenа o'clock-- allа the

power goes off."

аааа "Did I say anything against it? Power offа and welcome. The whole town,

for all I care."

аааа Atа which point the reception-room door openedа and Janusа Poluektovich

came out into the hall.

аааа "So," he enunciated, seeing us.

аааа I bowed respectfully.а It was obviousа from the expression onа his face

that he had forgotten my name.

аааа "Please," he said, handing meа keys. "You areа standing watch,а if I am

notа mistaken.а .а .а . Byа theа way"--а he hesitated--а "Did I talk toа you

yesterday?"

аааа "Yes," I said. "You came byа theа Electronicsа section."а -а He nodded.

"Yes, yes, indeed . . . we were talking about trainees..."

аааа "No," I contradicted respectfully. "Not quite. It was about your letter

to Centracademprov. About the peripheral equipment."

аааа "Oh, so that's it," he said. "Well, all right. . . . I wish you a quiet

watch. . . . Victor Pavlovich, may I have your attention a minute?"

аааа He took Victor under the arm and led him off down the hall. I went into

the reception room. Thereа the second Janusа Poluektovich was locking up the

safes.а Seeing me, heа said, "So," andа resumed clicking his keys.а This was

Janus-A, asа Iа hadа learnedа toа distinguish somewhat between them. Janus-A

looked somewhat younger, was a bit standoffish, always correct, and laconic.

Itа was saidа thatа he worked hard,а andа the people who knewа him hadа been

insistingа forа a long timeа that this mediocre administrator was slowly but

surely turningа intoа an outstanding scientist. Janus-U, on the otherа hand,

was always gentle, very attentive, and had the strange habit ofа unfailingly

asking, "Were we talking yesterday?" It was hinted that he had begun to slip

badly of late, although remaining a scientist of world renown. Nevertheless,

Janus-A and Janus-U were oneа and theа sameа man. That's just theа part that

wouldn't fit in my head. There seemed something arbitrary about that.

аааа Janus-A clicked his last lock, gave me some of the keys, andа left with

a frigid farewell. I satа downа atа the reviewer'sа table, laid theа list in

front ofа me,а and rang upа theа Electronicsа Department. Noа one answered--

apparently the girlsа had alreadyа left. Itа was fourteen hoursа andа thirty

minutes.

аааа Atа fourteenа hoursа andаа thirty-oneа minutes,а theа renownedаа Feodor

Simeonovichа Kivrin barged into theа roomа breathingа heavily,а theа parquet

creaking under his weight. This wasа the great magus and wizard,а who headed

theа Department of Linearа Happiness. Feodor Simeonovichа was famedа for his

incorrigible optimism and faith in aа beautiful future. He had a very stormy

past. During the reign of Ivan Vasilievichа the Terrible,а theа retainers of

Maliuta Skuratov burned him, joking and jesting,а in a wooden steambath as a

sorcerer;а inа theа reign ofа Alexis Mikhailovich theа Quiet,а they beat him

mercilesslyа withа cudgels,а andа burnedаа theа entireа collectionа ofаа his

manuscripts on his bare back; during the reign of Peter theа Great,а he rose

at first asа a learned chemist and mining expert, but somehow displeased the

princeа Romodanovsky and wound up condemned toа hard labor at theа Tulaа gun

works,а whence heа fledа toа India,а traveled a greatа deal,а was bittenа by

poisonous snakes and crocodiles, easily transcended Yoga, returned to Russia

at the heightа of the Pugachev rebellion, whenа he was accusedа of doctoring

the insurgents, wasа de-nostriled, and exiled to Solovetz in perpetuity.а At

Solovetz he continuedа to have a myriad of difficulties untilа he was picked

up by SRITS, where he soon became head of a department.

аааа "Greetings!"а heа boomed,а layingа downа beforeа meа theа keysа toа his

laboratories. "P-poor chap, h-howа did you get stuck like that? Y-you should

be celebratingа on aа nightа likeа this. I'll callа Modest Matveevich.а Such

n-nonsense; I'll stand watch myself." -

аааа It was evident that the idea hadа just bit him and he wasа all fired up

with it.

аааа "O.K.а Whereа isа his phoneа number?а D-damnation, can't evenа remember

telephone numbers. . . One fifteen or five eleven . . ."

аааа "No,а no,а Feodor Simeonovich, no thankа you!"а I exclaimed.а "It's not

necessary. I was looking forward to getting some work done."

аааа "Ah,а to work!а That'sа aа different in-matter!а That'sа ggood,а that's

g-great, you are aа f-fine young man! M-me-- I don't know a damn thing about

electronics. . . . I sh-should study! Or elseа all this rn-magic isа nothing

b-but words, old s-stuff,а hocus-p-pocus, with psi-fields and primitivism...

granddaddy imitators. .

аааа Rightа there, without moving a step, he createdа twoа large pale yellow

apples, gaveа me one,а bit a half right outа of the other,а and proceeded to

crunch on it juicily.

аааа "D-damnation, made a wormy one again. . .а . How's yours-- good? That's

g-good... I'll d-drop by to see you again l-later,а Sasha, as I just d-don't

get thisа system ofа the management.а . . . Just give meа t-time to nab some

v-vodkaа and I'll be by again. . . . There is that twenty-ninthа instruction

in your machine. . . . Either th-the machine isа lying or I don't understand

somethingа I'll bringа youа a d-detectiveа story-- Gardner's.а Youа doа read

English? Ggood,а the son-of a-gunа writes reallyа well! He hasа that P-Perry

Mason,а the tough lawyer, you know!а Then I'llа give you something else from

science-fiction, some A-Asimov or B-Bradbury. ..

аааа He went over toа the window and said with immense delight, "B-blizzard,

devil take it! I just I-love it!"

аааа Cristobalа Joseevich Junta came in, slimа andа elegant wearingа aа mink

coat. Feodor Simeonovich turned around.

аааа "Ah, C-Cristo!" he exclaimed. "B-behold, that cretin Kamnoedov j-jailed

this young chap toа stand w-watch on New Year's Eve.а Shall we liberate him?

The two ofа us can stay here, r-reminisce on the old days, have a d-drink or

two? W-why should he suffer? He should be out there, cutting capers with the

girls. . .

аааа Juntaа placed theа keys on the table and said negligently, "Association

with girlsа brings pleasureа onlyа onа those occasionsа when it isа achieved

through the surmounting of obstacles..."

аааа "There you go!" roared Feodorа Shneonovich.а "Much blood, in-many songs

have f-flowed for theа charming ladies. . . . How does that goа again? . . .

Only he attains his purpose who knows not the word for "fear". . ."

аааа "Exactly," said Junta. "Further-- I can't stand charity."

аааа "Heа can't standа ch-charity!а Andа wh-who wheedled Odemantiev from me?

Enticed this labа technician from me!а Nowа you have to put up a b-bottle of

champagne, n-no less.а .а . . No, listen,а n-no champagne!а Amontillado! You

still have some left from the Toledo reserves?"

аааа "They are waiting for us, Feodor," Junta reminded him.

аааа "T-true.а .а . . I still have to f-find a tie . . . and felt boots. ...

We won't get a taxi. We're off, Sasha. D-don't get bored.. ."

аааа "On New Year's Eve,а theа watch in the Institute does notа getа bored,"

Junta said softly, "especially a novice."

аааа They went toward the door; Junta letа Feodor Simeonovichа go first, and

before exiting, looked at me outа of the corner of his eye. Precipitately he

tracedа Solomon's Star withа hisа finger on the wall. It glowed and began to

fade like the trace on an oscilloscope. I spit thrice over my left shoulder.

аааа Cristobal Joseevich Junta, head of the Meaningа of Life Department, was

a remarkable man but apparently completely heartless. Long ago, in his early

youth, he was for a long time the Grand Inquisitor, and has to date retained

some ofа the mannerisms. He carried out most of hisа unspeakable experiments

either onа himself or on his co-workers, and this had already been discussed

in outraged tones in my presenceа at the union meeting.а He wasа involved in

studies of the meaning of life, but had not made any extraordinary progress,

thoughа heа didа obtainа someа interestingа resultsа whenа heа proved,а on a

theoretical basis, that death is not anа invariant attributeа of life.а That

particular latest discovery wasа also the subject ofа outraged opposition at

theа philosophical seminar.а Almostа noа oneа was allowed in his office, and

disturbingа gossipа went aboutа theа Instituteа that he had aа multitudeа of

intriguingа itemsа there.а Theyа saidа thatа theа corner was occupiedа byа a

magnificently executedа stuffed figure of oneа of Cristobalа Joseevich's old

friends, anа S.S.а f№hrer, inа fullа dress uniform, with monocle, ceremonial

dagger, ironа cross, oak leaves, andа other such appurtenances. Jupta was an

excellentа taxidermist.а Accordingа toа Cristobalаа Joseevich,а soа wasа the

standartenf№hrer.а Butа Cristobal Joseevichа wasа sooner.а He liked to beа a

soonerа in anything he undertook. Neither was a certain amount of skepticism

foreign to him.а A huge sign hung inа one of hisа laboratories: Doа weа need

ourselves? An uncommon man indeed.

аааа At exactly three o'clock,а and in accordance with theа labor laws,а the

doctor of science, Ambrosi Ambruosovitch Vibegallo* broughtа in his keys. He

was dressed in feltа bootsа with leather soles and aа coachman's parka whose

collar could not containа his unkempt grayishа beard.а He' cutа hisа hair as

though with a pot, so that no one ever saw his ears.

аааа "Concerningа . . ." he said, approaching. "I couldа be having something

hatch out today. In the laboratory, that is. You should . , . eh ... have it

looked at.а Iа have laidа in supplies for him-- thatа is, bread, maybeа five

loaves, a couple of bucketsа ofа steamedа bran. So, then,а when beа finishes

eating all that, he'll start running about. So you, mon cher, you might give

me a buzz."

аааа Heа laid downа a bundle ofа warehouse keys,а and staredа at me with his

mouthа openа as ifа strugglingа withа someа inner conflict.а He hadа strange

translucent eyes and there was birdseed in his beard.

аааа "Where should I buzz you?" I asked.

аааа I disliked the man thoroughly. He was aа cynic and a fool toа boot. The

work heа performed, for three hundred and fifty rubles a month, could boldly

be calledа eugenics, butа noа one called itа that-out of reluctanceа toа get

involved. This Vibegalloа insisted that all the troubles that were came from

unsatisfied desires, and ifа manа wasа givenа everything, such asа plenty of

bread andа steamed bran, then you'd not have a man, but an angel. Heа pushed

this uncomplicatedа idea inа tirelessа ways, wavingа classical tomesа out of

which heа tore citations by their bloody roots, leaving outа and extirpating

anything thatа did notа suit his purpose. At oneа time, theа Learned Council

fellа back under the press of his overwhelming and primeval demagogy and the

Vibegallo concept was included in the plan.

аааа Actingа strictlyа inа lineа withа theа plan,а diligently measuringа his

accomplishments in percentages of completion, neverа forgetting budgetsа and

productivity as well as keeping an eyeа on practical applications, Vibegallo

laid out three experimental models; model of Man, totally unsatisfied;

аааа model of Man,а unsatisfiedа stomachwise;а and model of Man,а completely

satisfied. The totally unsatisfied anthropoid matured first--а he'dа hatched

twoа weeks before. The miserable creature, covered like Job with boils, half

decomposed, tortured with all the known and unknown ailments, suffering from

heatа andа coldа simultaneously,а wanderedа outа intoа theа hall, filled the

Institute with the sounds of its inchoate complaints, and expired. Vibegallo

wasа triumphant.а Nowа one could consider it a proved fact that if a man was

not fed and given water, was not doctored, then he could be considered to be

unhappy-- and might even die. As this one had.

 

а

__________

аааа * Vibegallo has the connotation in Russian of "running out in front."

 

аааа The Learnedа Council wasа shocked.а Vibegallo's undertaking was turning

outа to haveа a very darkа side. A commission was institutedа toа review his

work. But he,а inа noа wayа shaken, presented two depositions, from which it

developed that three of his lab technicians took leave yearly to work in the

local SOVKHOZ, and, secondly,а that he, Vibegallo, had once beenа a prisoner

of the tsar and was nowа a regular lecturer onа popular topicsа bothа in the

cityа auditoriumа andаа theа environs.а Whileа theа stunnedа commissionа was

attemptingа toа makeа senseа ofа theа logicа inа allа thisа data,а Vibegallo

unhurriedlyа shippedа fourа truckloads ofа herringа heads from the fish-food

factory (as aа matter of proper communicationsа with the productionа sector)

intended forа theа maturingа modelа ofа Man,а unsatisfiedа stomachwise.а The

commission was composing a report, andа the Instituteа was fearfully waiting

the coming developments. Vibegallo's neighbors on the same floor were taking

leaves of absence at their own expense.

аааа "Where shall I buzz you?" I asked.

аааа "Buzz me? At home! Where elseа on Newа Year'sа Eve? Morality is what we

need. My good man, Newа Year's Eve should be celebratedа at home. That's our

way-- n'est pas?"

аааа "I know it's your home. What's the number?"

аааа "Look it up in theа book. Are you literate?а Thenа lookа it up, inа the

book, that is. We have no secrets, like some others. En mase."

 

аааа "All right," I said. "I'll buzz you."

аааа "Do buzz me, mon cher. And if he shouldа start in biting, then youа can

put the clamps on him. Don't be bashful. C'est Ia vie."

 

аааа I gathered my nerveа andа muttered, "We haven't drunk our toastа to the

familiar relationship."

аааа "Pardon?"

аааа "Never mind, I was just talking," I said.

аааа Heа looked atа meа forа someа time with his translucent eyesа inа which

nothingа at all was expressed, and then pronounced, "Well, if it'sа nothing;

then that's good. Congratulations on the coming holiday. Be well. Au revoir,

that is." He pulled on his earmuffed cap and left.

аааа I opened upа the ventilator in a hurry. Roman Oira-Oira flew in wearing

a green overcoat with a mutton collar, twitched his hump nose, and inquired,

"Vibegallo was through?"

аааа "He was through," I said.

аааа "Mmm,а yes,"а he said. "That'sа some herring! Hold onа to the keys. You

knowа where he dumped one of the trucks? Right under Gian Giacomo's windows.

Directlyа under his office. A New Year's gift. I think I'll have a cigarette

with you..."

аааа Heа fell intoа the hugeа leatherа armchair,а unbuttoningа his coat, and

lighted up.

аааа "Considerа this,"а heа said.а "Given:а Theа odor ofа herringа marinade,

intensity sixteen microlers, volume-- " He looked around the room. "Say, but

you can figure that yourself. The year is in transition, Saturn is in Libra.

Refine!"

аааа I scratched behind the ear.

аааа "Saturn .а .а .а why are you givingа me Saturnа . . . ? Whatа about the

magistatum vector?

аааа "That, chum," said Oira-Oira, "that you have to do yourself . . ."

аааа I scratched behind the other ear, estimated the vector, and pronounced,

stuttering, the acoustic enablerа (incantation). Oira-Oira pinched his nose.

I pulled two hairs out of my eyebrow (very painful and stupid) and polarized

the vector.

аааа The smell increased some more.

аааа "Bad," Oira-Oira rebuked. "Can't you see that the ventilator is open?"

аааа "Ah," I said, "that's right."

аааа Iа took divergenceа into account andа also theа rotation,а attempted to

solveа theа Stokesа equationа in my head, becameа confused, pulled twoа more

hairs, breathing through the mouth, checked the smell, and recited the Auers

incantation. I was prepared toа pull another hair,а whenа it becameа evident

that the reception room was aired out in a natural way, and Roman advised me

to close the ventilator and economize on my eyebrows.

аааа "Mediocre," he said. "Let's try materialization."

аааа We were busy with materializationа for a while. I made pears andа Roman

insisted that I eat them. I refused, and he ordered me to make more. "You'll

work until you'llа make somethingа edible," he keptа saying. "This stuff you

canа giveа to Modest.а As hisа nameа implies, he'sа ourа human incinerator."

Finally, Iа concocted aа realа pear, large, yellow, soft asа butter, andа as

bitter as genuine. I ate it and Roman allowed me to rest.

аааа At this point,а theа baccalaureate ofа black magic, Magnusа Feodorovich

Redkin, broughtа inа his keys,а looking obese,а customarily preoccupied, and

hurt. He obtained hisа baccalaureate three hundred yearsа agoа for inventing

the invisibility socks. Since then,а heа hasа beenа improving themа over and

over.а The socks becameа culottes, and then pants, and now they are referred

to as trousers. Still, he remained unable to make them work properly. At the

lastа session of аtheа seminarа onа blackа magic, when heа madeа hisа serial

presentation "On Certain Novel Aspects of the Redkin Invisibility Trousers,"

he was onceа more overtaken byа disaster. Duringа theа demonstration ofа the

updated model, something in its inner workings stuck, and the trousers, with

a bell-like click, became invisible themselves, instead of theirа wearer. It

wasа mostа embarrassing.а However,а Magnus Feodorovich workedа mostlyа onа a

dissertation whose subject sounded somethingа likeа "The Materialization and

Linearаа Naturalizationа ofа theа Whiteа Thesis,а asа anа Argumentаа ofа the

Sufficiently Stochastic Function Representing the Not Quite Imaginable Human

Happiness."

аааа Here he had achievedа significant and importantа results, from which it

followed that humanity wouldа be literally swimming in not quiteа imaginable

happiness,а ifа onlyа theа White Thesisа itselfа couldа beа found, andа most

importantly if we could understand what it is and where it could be found.

аааа Mention ofа the White Thesisа could beа foundа only inа Benа Beczalel's

diaries. Itа wasа allegedа thatа he distilledа it asа aа by-product ofа some

alchemical reaction, and not having the timeа to wasteа onа such trifles, he

built it into some apparatus of his as an auxiliary subsystem. In one of his

lastа memoirs,а writtenа whileа heа wasа alreadyа inа prison,а Benа Beczalel

proclaimed, "And canа you imagine? That Whiteа Thesis didа not come up to my

expectations, not at all. And whenа Iа comprehended what use could have been

madeа of it-- I am referringа toа theа happinessа of all men, no matterа how

many-- I had already forgotten where I had inserted it."

аааа The Institute numberedа sevenа apparatus that had once belonged to Ben.

Redkin had disassembledа six of them down to the last bolt and had not found

anything special. The seventh apparatus was the sofa-translator.а But Victor

Korneev hadа laid his handsа on theа sofa,а andа the blackest suspicions had

creptа into Redkin's simple soul.а He began to spy onа Victor. Victor became

instantlyа incensed. They quarreled,а became confirmed enemies, and remained

such.

аааа Magnus Feodorovich wasа friendly towardа me as a representative ofа the

hard sciences,а though heа criticized my friendshipа "with that plagiarist."

Altogether Redkin was not a bad fellow, very hard working,а very persistent,

andа totallyа lacking in the grasping instincts. Heа carried outа an immense

work,а collectingа aа giganticа collectionа ofа theа multifariousа kindsа of

happiness.а Thereа you couldа findа theа simplestа ofа negativeа definitions

("Happiness is not found in money"), the simplest positive definitions ("The

highestаа satisfactionаа isа inа completeа plenty,а success,а recognition"),

casuisticа definitions ("Happinessа is theа absenceа ofа unhappiness"),а and

paradoxical definitions ("The most happy of all be the fools, the imbeciles,

the dumb, and the unsightly, as they know not the stabs ofа conscience, fear

not ghosts or any of the unliving, are not struck by the terror of impending

events; neither are they seduced by the hopes of future bliss").

аааа Magnusа Feodorovich laid down a small box withа his key, and looking at

us under his eyebrows, said diffidently, "I found yet another definition."

аааа "What is it?" I said.

аааа "Something like verse. But without rhymes. Do you want to hear it?"

аааа "Of course we do," said Roman.

аааа Magnus Feodorovich took out a notebook and read haltingly:

аааа "You ask:

аааа What I consider

аааа The highest happiness on earth?

аааа Two things:

аааа To change my mood

аааа As easily as shillings into pence,

аааа And,

аааа To hear a maiden's song,

аааа Not in my life entwined,

аааа But after

аааа Having learned from me

аааа Her own separate way."

аааа "Didn'tа understand aа thing," said Roman. "Letа me seeа it with my own

eyes."

аааа Redkin gave him his notebook and clarified, "It's Christopher Log. From

the English."

аааа "Excellent verse," said Roman.

аааа Magnus Feodorovich sighed. СSome say one thing, others-- another."

аааа "It's hard," I said sympathetically.

аааа "Isn't that the truth? How are you going to combine all that? To hear a

maiden's song . . . not just any song, butа the maiden must be young, not on

his way, and onа topа of that she wouldа be singingа after inquiring the way

from him. . . . Howа can thatа be? Howа can you set up an algorithm for such

things?"

аааа "Very iffy," I said. "I wouldn't undertake it."

аааа "There you are!" took up Magnus Feodorovich.а "And you are our computer

facility director. Who then could do it?"

аааа "Whatа if thereа can't be any such thing?" saidа Roman, sounding like a

provocateur in a ffim.

аааа "How's that?"

аааа "Happiness."

аааа Magnus Feodorovich was instantly offended.

аааа "How can thereа not be any," he said with dignity, "when I myself аhave

experienced it many a time?"

аааа "By changing a penny for a shilling?" asked Roman.

аааа Magnus Feodorovich became even moreа offended and tore the notebook out

of his hands.

аааа "You are still too young-- " he began.

аааа But at this juncture there was a roar, a crack, a flash of flame, and a

stench of sulphur. Merlin appeared in the middle of the reception room.

аааа "Goodа God!" said Oira-Oiraа in English,а rubbing his eyes. "Canst thou

not come in by the usual way as decent people do? Sir. . ." he added.

аааа "Beg thy pardon," Merlin said smugly, and looked at me with a satisfied

mien.а Iа mustа haveа beenа veryа pale,аа asа Iа wasа veryа muchа afraidа of

auto-combustion.

аааа Merlin straightened his moth-eaten mantle, threw a bunch of keys on the

table, and pronounced, "Did you notice the weather lately, sirs?"

аааа "As forecast," said Roman.

аааа "Exactly, Sir Oira-Oiral Exactly as forecast!"

 

аааа "It's a useful device, the radio," said Roman.

аааа "I don't listen to the radio," said Merlin. "I have my own methods." He

shook the hem of his mantle and rose a meter above the floor.

аааа "The chandelier," I said. "Be careful."

аааа Merlin looked at theа chandelier and began,а completely out of context,

"Iа cannot forget,а dear sirs, howа last year, Iа and Sirа Chairmanа ofа the

Regional Soviet, comrade Pereyaslavski.."

аааа Oira-Oira yawnedа agonizingly,а and Iа felt veryа dejected too.а Merlin

probablyа would have been worse than Vibegalo,а if he weren't so archaic and

self-assured.а Dueа toа someone'sа absentmindedness,а heа hadа succeededа in

promotingа himselfа into a directorship of the Departmentа of Prophecies and

Forecasting,а becauseа inа allа ofа hisа formsа heа hadа writtenа aboutа his

unremitting struggles with Yankee imperialism even asа far back as the early

Middle Ages, and attaching to them notarized copies of the appropriate pages

from Mark Twain.а Subsequently, he was transferredа to his properа placeа as

director ofа the weather bureau and now,а evenа as aа thousand years ago, he

occupied himself with foretellingа atmosphericа phenomena-- bothа by magical

means andа on theа basisа of the behavior ofа tarantulas,а theа increaseа in

rheumatic pains, and the tendency of Solovetz pigs to lie down in the mud or

to arise therefrom. Asа a matter of fact, the basic sources of his prognoses

were the crudestа intercepts of radioа forecasts, carriedа out by means of a

simpleа detector receiver, which, it was rumored, heа stole inа the twenties

from a Solovetz exhibitа of theа work ofа young technicians. He wasа a great

friendа of Nainaа Kievna,а andа the two ofа them spentа theirа time together

collecting and broadcasting rumors about the appearance of aа gigantic hairy

woman in the forests, and the capture ofа a co-ed by a snowman fromа Elbrus.

It was also said that, from time to time, he took pad in the night vigils at

Bald Mountain with H.M. Viy, Brutus, and other hooligans.

аааа Romanа andа Iа keptа quietа andа waitedа forа him to disappear. But he,

wrappingа himselfа inа hisа mantle,а madeа himselfа comfortableаа underа the

chandelier,а andа dronedаа onа withа hisа taleа aboutа howа heа andа comrade

Pereyaslavski traveled about the region on a tour ofа inspection. The entire

story, which had become obnoxiousа to everybody, was pure hocum, a graceless

and gratuitousа paraphraseа of Mark Twain. He spoke of himself in theа third

person, while occasionally, in confusion, called the chairman King Arthur.

аааа "And so, theа Chairmanа of the Regionalа Soviet and Merlinа setа off on

their journeyа andа came to the beekeeper, Hero of Labor,а Sir Otshelnilcov,

who was a good knight and a renowned collector of honey. And Sir Otshelnikov

reported on theа success of his labors and treated Sir Arthur with bee venom

for hisа arthritis. Andа so, Sir Chairman stayed there forа threeа days, his

arthritisа quietedа down, and they set out onа their way, and on the way Sir

Ar... Chairman said, СI have no sword.'

аааа "СNo matter,'а said Merlin. СI will find you a sword.' And they came to

a large lake, and Arthur saw an arm rise out of the lake...

аааа The telephone then rang, and I seized the receiver with joy.

аааа "Hello," I said. "Hello, I'm listening."

аааа Something wasа mumbling in the receiverа while Merlinа droned on in his

nasal voice, "And by the Lezhnev lake they met Sir Pellinor. However, Merlin

arranged it so that Pellinor did not notice the chairman. ..

аааа "Sir citizen Merlin," I said. "Could you be a bit quieter? I can't hear

anything.

аааа "Hello," I said again into the phone.

аааа "Who's there?"

аааа "Whom do you want?" I said, as a matter of habit.

аааа "You will mark that down for me. You are not in a side show, Privalov."

аааа "My fault, Modest Matveevich. Privalov on watch, at your service."

аааа "All right. Report."

аааа "Report what?"

аааа "Listen, Privalov. You are again behaving like I don'tа know what. Whom

are you talking with? Whyа are thereа others atа your post?а Whyа areа there

people in the Institute after the end of the working day?"

аааа "It's Merlin," I said.

аааа "Throw him out!"

аааа "Withа pleasure," Iа said.а (Merlin,а who wasа obviously eavesdropping,

became covered with spots, said, "Bo-o-or," and melted away.)

аааа "With pleasureа or withoutа pleasure--а thatа does notа concern me. But

there was a signal received here that the keys entrusted to you are piled in

a heap on the table instead of being locked up in a box."

 

аааа Vibegallo must have informed him, I thought.

аааа "Why are you silent?"

аааа "It will be done."

аааа "Acknowledge in that form," said Modest Matveevich. "Vigilance mustа be

kept high. Are you up to it?"

аааа "I'm up to it."

аааа Modest Matveevich said, "That's all from here," and hung up.

ааа а"Well, all right," said Oira-Oira, buttoning, his green coat. "I'mа off

to open cans and uncork bottles. Be well, Sasha. I'll come by again later."

 

Chapter 2

 

 

аааа I went,а descending into darkа corridorsа andа ascendingа again.а I was

alone; I called out but no one answered; 1а was alone in that vast house, as

Convoluted as a labyrinth.

 

аааааааааааааа Guy de Maupassant

 

аааа Dumping the keys in my jacket pocket I set off on my first round.

аааа Taking the front staircase,а which to my memory was used only once when

the mostа august personageа from Africa came to visit,а I descended into the

limitless vestibule decorated with a multi-century accumulation of layers of

architectural excesses,а and peered into theа gatehouse window.а Two Maxwell

macro-demons were oscillating about in its phosphorescentа gloom. Theyа were

playing at the most stochastic of all games -а pitch-and-toss. They occupied

allа their freeа time with this diversion.а Lookingа more like poliomyelitis

virus coloniesа under an electron microscopeа than anything else,а they were

huge, indescribably inept, lethargic, and dressed in worn liveries. As befit

Maxwell demons, they opened and closed doors throughout all their life. They

were experienced, well-trained exemplars, but one of them, the one in charge

of the exit door,а hadа reachedа retirement age, which was comparable to the

age ofа theа galaxy,а andа now andа thenа revertedа intoа secondа childhood,

malfunctioningа ignominiously. Thereupon, someone from Technical Maintenance

would put on a driving suit, enter theа gatehouse with its argon atmosphere,

and bring the oldster back to reality.

аааа Followingа instructions, I cast a spell on bothа ofа them,а thatа is, I

crossed the information channels and locked the input-output peripheralsа to

myself. The demons did not react, being otherwise absorbed. One was winning,

and, correspondingly,а theа otherа was losing, which greatly disturbed them,

sinceа itа upset the statistical equilibrium. Iа covered the windowа withа a

shutter and circledа theа vestibule. It was damp, dark, andа full of echoes.

Theа Instituteа wasа obviouslyа old,а butа apparently the buildingа had been

started at theа vestibule. Bones ofа shackledа skeletonsа whitened inа moldy

corners;а somewhereа water drippedа in rhythmicа splashes; statues inа rusty

armorа and unnatural poses stood aboutа in niches;а shards of ancientа idols

were piled up toа the right of the entrance, withа a pair of plaster legs in

boots crowning the lot. Looking sternly downа from blackenedа portraits near

theа ceilingа were theа venerable imagesа of oldа men, whoseа featuresа bore

obviousа resemblances to Feodorа Simeonovich,а comradeа Giacomo,а andа other

masters. All this archaic junk should have been thrown out long ago, windows

should аhave been cutа intoа the walls and daylight let in, butа it wasа all

registeredа andа inventoried,а andа forbiddenа to beа soldа off,а byа Modest

Matveevich personally. Batsа and flying dogs rustled in the capitals ofа the

columns and in theа gigantic chandelier, hanging from the blackened ceiling.

With these, Modestа Matveevich waged a never-ending struggle. He doused them

withа turpentine and creosote,а dusted them withа powder, sprayedа them with

hexachloroethane.а They died by the thousands and pro-created by the tens of

thousands. Theyа mutated, andа talking and singingа variants appearedа among

them, while the descendants of theа more ancient breeds now subsisted surely

on pyrethrins, mixed with ehlorophoss. The Institute cinephotographer, Sanya

Drozd, swore that heа saw a vampire thatа looked asа much like the personnel

director as two peas in a pod.

аааа Someone moaned and rattled chains in a deep niche, which exuded anа icy

stench. "You will kindly stop that," I said severely.

аааа "What is that--а some kind of mysticism?а You ought to be ashamed!" The

niche became quiet.а Iа straightened the crooked rug with anа executive mien

and mounted the stairway.

аааа As is well known,а theа Institute from the outside appeared to have two

stories. In reality, it had at least twelve. I had simply not gone above the

twelfth floor, because the elevator was constantly under repair, and I still

hadn'tа learned to fly.а The frontа with tenа windowsа was alsoа anа optical

illusion, like most fronts. The Institute stretched at least a kilometerа to

theа rightа andа leftа of theа vestibule, but nonethelessа allа theа windows

decidedly facedа on theа same crooked street and the same grainа storehouse.

This amazed meа thoroughly. At first I аpestered Oira-Oira toа explain to me

howа this couldа be reconciled withа classical,а orа at leastа relativistic,

concepts of space. I didn't understandа a thingа from the explanations,а but

gradually I became adjusted to the whole thing and ceased to be amazed. I am

now fullyа convincedа that in some ten or fifteen yearsа anyа schoolboy will

findа his wayа around the general theory ofа relativity more easilyа thanа a

contemporaryа expert.а To achieveа this,а itа isа notа atа all necessaryа to

comprehend how the space-time curvature comes about, hut only to have such a

conceptа inculcated in usа fromа earlyа childhood,а soа that itа canа become

habitual.

аааа Theа entireа firstа floor wasа occupiedа by theа Departmentа ofа Linear

Happiness. This was the kingdom of Feodor Simeonovich; here was the smell of

apples and pine forests, here worked the prettiest girls andа the handsomest

young men. Here there were no gloomy perverts, experts, andа adepts in black

magic; here no one toreа out his hair, hissing and grimacing in pain; no one

muttered cutses that sounded like indecent street rhymes; no one boiled live

toads andа crows at midnight at the full moon on the eve of John the Baptist

Dayа orа evil-omenа days. Here theyа worked on theа basisа of optimism. Here

everything possibleа wasа done within the framework ofа white, submolecular,

andа infraneuronа magicа inа orderа toа raiseа theа spiritualа toneа of each

individual asа well as of entire humanа collectives. Here they condensed and

dispersedа throughoutа theаа worldаа theаа happiestа good-naturedа laughter;

developed, tested,а and implementedа behavioral andа relational modelsа that

strengthenedа friendshipа andа dissolvedа strife; distilledа andа sublimated

extractsа ofа grief palliatives, which did not contain a singleа molecule of

alcoholа or other narcotics. Currentlyа theyа wereа preparing forа the field

trials ofа a portable disrupter of evil, and were designing new versionsа of

the rarest alloys of intelligence and goodwill.

аааа I unlocked the doorа to theа central roomа andа stood on theа threshold

admiring theа working of the gigantic Children's Laughterа Still, which bore

some resemblance to a Van de Graaff generator. In contrast to the generator,

however, it operated in complete silence and there was a lovely smell around

it. Accordingа to instructions, I had to turn offа two large switches on the

control panel, so that the goldenа glow in theа roomа would fade, so that it

wouldа grow dark and still. Inа short, the instruction said I must turnа off

all power in this production section. I didn't even hesitate, but backed out

into the corridor and locked the door behind me. Toа de-energize anything in

the laboratories of Feodor Simeonovich seemed to be pure sacrilege.

аааа I went slowly along the corridor, studying the sketches on the doors to

the laboratories, andа met Tichon, the house brownie, at the corner. He drew

andа nightly changedа the sketches.а Weа exchangedа handshakes. Tichon was a

pleasant grayish brownie from theа Ryazan oblast, exiledа to Solovetz by Viy

forа someа infraction: Itа seems he either didn't greet someone properly, or

refusedа to eat aа boiledа viper.а . .а . Feodorа Simeonovichа welcomed him,

cleaned him up, cured him of chronic alcoholism - and he made his homeа here

on the first floor.а He drew superbly, inа theа styleа of Bidstrup, andа was

renowned among his local peers for good sense and sober comportment.

аааа I was about to go up to the second floor,а butа remembered the vivarium

andа directedа myа stepsаа toа theа basement.а Theа vivariumа supervisor,а a

middle-aged emancipated vampire by the name of Alfred, was drinking his tea.

Seeing me, he attempted to hide the teapot under the table, broke the glass,

reddened, and hid his eyes. I felt sorry for him.

аааа "Congratulations onа theа coming New Year,"а I said, pretending thatа I

didn't notice anything.

аааа Heа coughed, coveredа hisа mouth withа his palm, andа repliedа thickly,

"Thank you, and the same to you."

аааа "Everything in order?" I asked, surveying the rows of cages and stalls.

аааа "Briareus broke a finger," said Alfred.

аааа "How did he do that?"

аааа "Just like that. On his eighteenth right hand. He was picking his nose,

turnedа clumsily-- they areа veryа ungainly, these hekatocheires-- and broke

it."

аааа "So we need a veterinarian," I said.

аааа "He'll be all right. It's not his first time."

аааа "No, we can't leave it at that. Let's go and see."

аааа We went intoа the depths of the vivarium, by the perch ofа the harpies,

who looked at us with sleep-dulled eyes,а by the Lernean hydra, who was dour

and silent at this time of year. . . . The hekatoeheires-- hundred-armed and

fiftyheadedа twins, theа firstborn ofа Heavenа and Earth-- were housedа in a

largeа concrete caveа guarded withа heavyа ironа rods. Gyes and Cottus slept

curled up inа knots,а from which protruded bluishа shaved headsа with closed

eyesа aridа hairy, flaccid arms. Briareusа wasа rocking to andа fro. Heа was

sitting onа his haunches with his hand, supported by seven others, stuck out

into the passage. With hisа ninety-two other hands,а he heldа on to the iron

rods and propped up his heads. Some of the heads were asleep.

аааа "How is it?" I said sympathetically. "Does it hurt?"

аааа Theа waking headsа set up a clamor in Hellenic Greek and woke up a head

that knew Russian.

аааа "It'sа awful,а how itа hurts,"а it said. Theа rest stopped talkingа and

stared at me.

аааа I looked theа fingerа over. It was dirty and swollen and not broken. It

was simply sprained. In our gymnasium we fixed such a trauma without benefit

of a doctor. I grasped the finger and jerked it toward me with all my might.

Briareus howled with all of his fifty throats and fell back.

аааа "There, there," I said, wiping my bands withа a handkerchief. Сit's all

over. ..."

аааа Briareus, sniveling throughа all hisа noses, peered at hisа finger. The

nearа heads eagerly stretched theirа necks, bitingа the ones in front on the

ears in their impatience, so they would not obstruct their view.а Alfred was

grinning.

аааа Сitа would doа him goodа toа haveа hisа bloodа let,"а heа said, withа a

long-forgotten expression, then sighed andа added, "Problem is, what sort of

bloodа does he have?а Mustа beа something just for show. Not aа veryа viable

specimen."

аааа Briareus got up. All fiftyа heads smiled blissfully. I waved at him and

started onа myа way back. I slowed upа by Koschei the Deathless.а Theа great

evildoer lived in a comfortable private cage, with rugs and bookshelves. The

wallsа wereа hung withа portraitsа ofа Gengbis Khan,а Himmler, Catherineа de

Mщdicis,а one ofа the Borgias, andа another--а eitherа that ofа McCarthyа or

Goldwater. Koschei himself, dressed in a colorful robe, stood with hisа legs

crossed before a hugeа lectern, reading an offset copy of The Witches Court.

By way of self-accompaniment, hisа long fingers woveа a sinister pattern: he

was either turning a screw orа stickingа somethingа in or rippingа something

off. He was kept in indefinite preliminary confinement while an interminable

investigation was being conducted into his innumerable crimes. He was highly

prizedа in the Institute, as he was concurrently employed in certainа unique

experiments andа alsoа as interpreter forа Gorynitch the Dragon. (The latter

was locked up in the boiler room,а whenceа issuedа hisа metallic snoring and

sleepyа roarings.) I stood and thought about the factа thatа if some time in

the infinitely remote future Koschei shouldа be sentenced,а then the judges,

whoever they might be, wouldа find themselves inа aа very strange situation;

theа death sentenceа couldа notа beа applied toа aа deathlessа criminal, and

externalа imprisonment,а consideringа theа precedingа term,а heа hadа served

already.

аааа Suddenly I was grabbed by my pants leg, and a besotted voice cried out,

"What say, buddy, who'll go against us three?"

аааа I succeededа in wrenching free. Three vampires inа the adjoiningа roost

regarded meа greedily,а pressing their purplishа faces againstа the metallic

screen, which was maintained at two hundred volts.

аааа "Crushed my hand, tough guy!" said one.

аааа "Don't grab," I said. "Looking for a drubbing?"

аааа Alfredа ran in, snapping his whip, and the vampires retreated intoа the

darkness of their cage, where theyа immediately began cursing in the foulest

of language and playing with homemade cards.

аааа I said toа Alfred, "Well enough. It seemsа everything is in order. I'll

go along."

аааа "Happy traveling," Alfred replied readily.

аааа Going up the stairs, I could hear him clinkingа his teapot as he poured

his tea. I lookedа into theа mechanical section and checked the operation of

the energy generator. Theа Institute wasа not dependent onа the city for its

power. Instead, after refiningа the principle of determinism, it was decided

to utilize the well-known Wheel of Fortune sourceа of freeа energy.а Onlyа a

smallа section of the brightly polished rim of the wheel could be seen above

the cement floor. Itsа axis was locatedа somewhereа in infinity, so that the

rim looked like a conveyor belt moving out of one wallа and into theа other.

At oneа time it was fashionable to write dissertations on the wheel's radius

of curvature, hut inasmuch asа all of these dissertations yielded results of

extremely low accuracy, on the order of ten megaparsecs, the Learned Council

ofа the Institute passed a resolution to stopа reviewing theа papers on that

subject, at least until such time as theа creation of transgalactic means of

communicationа wouldа permitаа theа expectationа ofа raisingаа theа accuracy

substantially.

аааа Severalа demons from the plant departmentа were playing at theа wheel--

jumping onа the rim, riding to the other wall, jumping offа and running back

at top speed. I called them to order decisively. "You will cut that out,"а I

said. "This is notа a sideshow,а you know." Theyа hid behind the transformer

and set to bombarding me with spitballs. I decided notа to get involved with

the whelps,а walkedа along the control panels, and, verifyingа thatа all was

well, ascended to the second floor.

аааа Here everything was quiet, dark,а and dusty. At the low half-open door,

a feeble oldа soldier,а dressedа in aа Preobrazhenskа regimental uniform and

tricornered hat, dozed, leaningа on a long-barreledа flintlock. Here was the

home of theа Defensive Magic Department, among whoseа personnel there hasn't

been a living soulа for quite some time. All our old men, with theа possible

exception of Feodor Simeonovich, had at oneа time or another givenа it their

due of infatuation.а Ben Beczalel had successfully employedа Golem in palace

revolutions; the clay monster,а impervious to poisonsа and bribery,а guarded

the laboratoryа andа the аimperial treasuryа as well.а Giuseppeа Balsamo had

founded theа first airborne squadron on brooms, which gave a good account of

itself in the Hundred Yearа War engagements. However, the squadron soon fell

apart when some of the witches were married and the rest took offа after the

regiments as canteen-keepers.а King Solomon caught and spellbound a gross of

afreetsа andа hammeredаа themа intoа anа excellentа anti-elephantа destroyer

fire-throwingа brigade.а Youngа Cristobalа Juntaа broughtа aа Chinese dragon

conditionedа againstа the Moors into Charles the Great's company,а then upon

learningа thatа the Emperor was not campaigning against theа Moorsа butа the

tribes of the Basques, he was enraged, and deserted.

аааа Throughoutа theа many-centuriedа historyа ofа wars,а variousа magicians

suggestedа theа use of vampires (forа night reconnaissance), basilisksа (for

striking theа enemy with suchа terror thatа theyа would turnа intoа stones),

flyingа carpets (forа dropping offalа on enemy cities), livingа swordsа (for

compensating inferiority in numbers), and much else. But, after World Warа I

and after Big Bertha, poison gas, andа tanks, defensive magic began to fade.

Resignations spread like wildfire through the Department.а The last survivor

was a certain Pitirim Schwartz, an erstwhile monk and inventor of the forked

musket rest, who wasа selflesslyа laboringа on the jinn bomber project.а The

essence of the project was toа drop on the enemyа cities bottlesа with jinns

who hadа been held imprisoned no less thanа three thousand years. It is well

known thatа jinns in theirа free state are capable only of destroying cities

or constructing palaces. A thoroughlyа aged jinn, reasoned Schwartz, was not

about to start building palaces, and therefore things would go badly for the

enemy. Aа definite obstacleа toа theа realizationа ofа this conceptа wasа an

insufficientа supply of bottled jinns,а butа Schwartz countedа on overcoming

this through theа deep draggingа ofа the Red and Mediterranean Seas.а It was

saidа that having heard about fusionа bombs and bacteriological warfare, the

oldа man lost his psychicа equilibrium, gave away the jinns be had collected

to various departments, and left to study the Meaning of Life with Cristobal

Junta. No one ever saw him again.

аааа When I stopped atа the doorway, the soldier looked at me out of one eye

and croaked, "It's not allowed to go in any farther," and dozed off again. I

lookedа overа theа bare junk-ladenа room withа shards of strange modelsа and

fragments of unprofessional drawings, paused byа the door to poke my shoe at

theа folderа bearingа theа smudgedа legend Absolutelyа Secret.а Burnа Before

Reading, and went on. Thereа wasа noа powerа here to switch off, andа asа to

auto-combustion, everythingа thatа could аauto-combustа had already doneа so

years ago.

аааа The same floor contained the book archives. This was a depressing area,

not unlike the vestibule but considerably larger. Asа to itsа real size, the

story went that aа fairly good paved highway started aboutа half a kilometer

fromа theа entranceа and ran alongа the bookshelves with kilometerа marks on

posts.а Oira-Oira hadа walked as far as the number 19, andа the enterprising

Victorаа Korneev,ааа searchingаа forааа technicalаа documentationаа onаа the

sofa-translator, had obtainedа a pairа of seven-league boots, and had run as

far as the number 124. He would have goneа farther, but his wayа was blocked

byа a squad ofа Danaides in stuffed vests, andа armedа with pavingа hammers.

Under the supervision of fat-facedа Cain,а they were breaking up the asphalt

and laying some sort of pipes. Over and over, the Learned Council had raised

theа question about constructing a high-voltage line along theа highway, for

transmitting the data on wire, but every positive suggestion had been turned

down for lack of funds.

аааа The repositoryа was stuffed with the mostа fascinating books in all the

languages of the world, past and present, from Atlantian up to and including

pidgin English. But Iа was most intrigued by the multi-volume edition of the

Bookа of Fates.а Theа Bookа ofа Fates was printedа in three-and-a-half-point

excelsior on the finest of rice paper and contained, in chronological order,

data on 73,619,024,511 intelligent individuals.

аааа The first volume began with Pithecanthropus Ayyoukh (Born 2 Aug. 965543

B.C.;а diedа 13 Jan. 96522 B.C.а Parentsа Ramapithecus; wifeа Rarnapithecus.

Children:а maleа Add-Am;аа femaleа Eihoua.а Wanderedа asаа aа nomadа withа a

Ramapithecusа tribe on the planesа of Ararat.а Ate, drank, and sleptа to his

content. Drilled the first hole in a stone; devouredа by a cave bear onа one

of the hunts). Theа last name-- in theа last tomeа of theа regularа edition,

whichаааааааааа cameаааааа аааoutаааааааааа lastааааааааа yearаааааааааа was

Francisco-Gaetano-Augustine-Lucia-y-Manuel-yJosd-Miguel-y-Augustine-Gaetano-Francisco-Trinidad

and Maria Trinidad. (See): Portuguese. Anacephalon. Cavalier of the Order of

the Holy Ghost; colonel of the guard.

аааа Fromа theа editorialа data it wasа evidentа that the Book of Fatesа was

published in 1 (one) exemplar, and this last one was printed in theа time of

the Montgolfier Brothers. Apparently, inа order to satisfy somehow the needs

of contemporaries, the editorial board undertookа the publicationа ofа extra

irregular editions in which only the dates of birth and death were given. In

one of these I found my own name. But due to the rush, errors had crept into

theseа editions by the thousand, so that I saw toа my amazement that I would

die in 1611.а Inа theа eighth volumeа errata, they had not as yet reached my

name.а A special group in Prophecies and Forecasts served as consultants for

the editing ofа the Book of Fates. The department was anemic, neglected, and

unable to rid itselfа of theа effects of the short-lived directorship of Sir

Merlin. The Institute repeatedly ran a competition for theа vacant post, and

each time there was but one applicant-- Merlin himself.

аааа The Learned Council conscientiously reviewed the application and safely

voted it down-- by forty-three votes "against" and one "for." (In accordance

with tradition, Merlin was a member of the Learned Council.)

аааа The Department ofа Forecasts and Propheciesа occupiedа the wholeа third

floor. Iа strolled past doorsа with the signs Coffee Grounds Group, Augurers

Group,а Pythianа Group, Synopticа Group, Solitaire Group,а Solovetzа Oracle.

Thereа wasа nothing toа switch off,а inasmuchа asа the department labored by

candlelight.а Theа notationа Darkа isа theа Water in Ye Cloudsа hadа already

appeared in chalk on the Synoptic Group door. Every morning, Merlin, cursing

theа intrigues of detractors, erasedа this message with a wet rag, and every

night it renewedа itself. In general, it wasа entirely unclear toа meа as to

what it was that maintained the credibility of the Department. From timeа to

timeа its workers issued reportsа on rather strangeа themes such as: "On the

Eyeа Expressionа of the Augur," orа "Predictionа Properties ofа Mocha Coffee

Grounds,а Vintageа 1926." Onceа in a while theа Pythianа Group succeededа in

predictingа something correctly, but each time they appeared so startled and

intimidatedа by theirа successа that theа effectа wasа entirely аdissipated.

Janus-U, a most sensitive individual, could not, as was often noted, control

a wan smile each time he was present at the seminar sessions of the Pythians

and Augurs.

аааа On the fourth floor, I finally found something toа do: I turned off the

lights in the cells of the Department of Eternal Youth. There were no youths

there, and its thousand-year oldsters, sufferingа from sclerosis, constantly

forgotа to switch off their lights when theyа left However, I suspected that

theа matter involved something more than just sclerosis.а Manyа ofа them, to

thisа day, fearedа aа shock.а Theyа insistedа onа callingа electricityа "the

pounder." In the sublimation laboratory, theа listless model of aа perpetual

youth wandered yawning, hands in itsа pockets, amongа the longа tables.а Its

gray two-meter-long beardа dragged onа the floor andа keptа catching inа the

chair legs. Just in case, I put away, in the cabinet, a bottle of aqua regia

thatа was placedа on topа ofа a stool, and started toward myа own place, the

electronic section.

аааа Here was my "Aldan." I admiredа it a bitа for its compactness,а beauty,

mysteriousness,а andа softа highlights.а Theа Institute hadа ratherа diverse

reactions toward us. Accounting, for example, met me with open arms, and the

chiefа accountant,а smilingаа avidly,а loadedаа meаа atа onceа withа tedious

computations of pay scales and productivity. Gianа Giacomo, directorа of the

Universal Transformations Department,а wasа alsoа overjoyedа atа first,а but

havingа become convincedа that Aldanа was incapable of calculatingа even the

elementary transformation of a lead cube into a gold cube, cooled off toward

myа electronicsа andа grantedа usа onlyа rareа and sporadic assignments.а In

contrast,а there wasа no respite from hisа subordinate, andа favorite pupil,

Victorа Korneev.а Oira-Oira,а too,а wasа constantlyа onа myа backа withа his

skull-breakingа problems inа irrationalа mathematics. Cristobalа Junta,а who

lovedа to be firstа inа everything, regularly connected his centralа nervous

system to the machine at night, so that the next day somethingа inа his head

audiblyа hummedа andа clicked, whileа theа derailedа Aldan,а inа some manner

incomprehensible to me, switchedа from the binary to the ancient hexadecimal

system,а and, on topа of that, changed itsа logic, totally disregardingа the

principle ofа the excludedа third. Feodorа Simeonovich,а on the otherа hand,

amusedа himselfа withа theа machineа likeа a childа withа a toy.а Heа played

tick-tack-toe withа it for hours, taughtа it Japanese chess, and in order to

make itа more interesting, infused it with someone'sа immortal soul--а which

was, incidentally, quite jolly and hard working. Janus Poluektovich (I don't

remember anymore whetherа -A or -U)а used the machine only once.а He brought

with himа a smallа semitransparent box, which he connected to theа Aldan. In

approximatelyа tenа seconds of operation withа thisа device, all the circuit

breakersа blew,а andа Janusа Poluektovichа apologized,а tookа hisа box,а and

departed.

аааа But, in spite ofа allа these petty interruptions, in spiteа of the fact

that the animated Alden sometimes printed out, "I am thinking,а please don't

interrupt," in spite ofа theа insufficiency of spare subassemblies, andа the

feeling of helplessness that took hold of me when it was required to conduct

a logicalа analysis ofа theа "incongruent transgression in theа psi-field of

incubal transformation," in spite of all that, it was devilishly interesting

to workа here, andа I was proud of being soа obviously needed. I carried out

allа theа calculation inа Oira-Oira'sа work on theа heredityа mechanismsа of

hi-polar homunculi. I constructed tables of the M-field potential around the

sofa-translator in the ninth dimension. I carried the routine accounting for

the localа fish-products factory. I computedа the conceptual design forа the

most economic transportа ofа theа Elixirа ofа Children'sа Laughter.а Iа even

calculatedа theа probabilities ofа solving the "Great Elephant," "Government

House," and "Napoleon's Tomb" solitairesа for the players in that group, and

alsoа did all theа quadraturesа for Cristobal Joseevich's numerical solution

method, for which accomplishment he taught me how to achieveа nirvana. I was

satisfied; thereа were not enough hours inа the day, and my life was full of

meaning.

аааа It was stillа early-- just after six. I switched on Aldanа and worked a

while.а At nineа o'clock I caught myself, turnedа off the power with regret,

and set off to the fifth floor. The blizzard was not about to quit. It was a

trueа Newа Year'sа Eve storm. Itа howledа and moanedа in theа oldа abandoned

chimneys,а itа piledа driftsа inа frontа ofа the windows,а madlyа shookа the

infrequent street lamps.

аааа Iа passedа throughа theа territoryа ofа theа Plantа andа Administration

Department.аа Theа entranceаа toа Modestа Matveevich'sа receptionа roomа was

interdicted withа crossedа six-inch girders, flanked by two huge afreetsа in

turbans, full battle dress, andа withа naked sabers. Eachа had his nose, red

and swollen from a head cold, pierced with a massive gold ring on which hung

a tinа inventoryа tag. It stank of sulphur, burned fur,а and antibiotics.а I

stayed for some time, examining them because afreets were aа rare phenomenon

in our latitudes. But the one on the right, unshaved andа with a black patch

over his eye,а began toа bore intoа meа withа the otherа eye. Heа hadа a bad

reputation, allegedly with a cannibal past, so I hurried along. I could hear

him slurping his nose and smacking behind me.

аааа Allа theа window ventilators were openа inа theа Department of Absolute

Knowledge, because the stench from Vibegallo's herring heads was seeping in.

Snow hadа drifted on theа sills, andа puddles stood underа theа radiators. I

closed the ventilators and strolled past the virginally clean tables ofа the

departmental staff. New writing sets,а which hadа notа seen any ink and were

stuffed withа cigarette stubs, gracedа theа desks. Strange department, this.

Their mottoа was, "The comprehension of Infinity requires infiniteа time." I

didn't argueа with that, but then they derived an unexpected conclusion from

it:а "Thereforeа work or not, it'sа all the same." In the interestsа ofа not

increasing the entropyа ofа theа universe, they did not work. Atа leastа the

majority ofа them. "En masse," asа Vibegalloа wouldа say.а In essence, their

problem boiled down to the analysisа of theа curveа of relative knowledge in

the region of its asymptotic approachа to absoluteа truth. For thisа reason,

some of the colleaguesа were constantly busying themselvesа by dividing zero

by zero on their desk calculators,а while others were requesting assignments

inа infinity. From thereа theyа returned lookingа energetic and well fed and

immediately took aа leave of absence for reasons of health. In the intervals

between travels, they sauntered from department to departmentа withа smoking

cigarettes,а takingа chairs by theа desks ofа those аwhoа were working,а and

recounting anecdotes about the discovery of indeterminacy by L'hЇpital. They

were easily recognizedа byа their emptyа look, and theirа unique ears, which

were perpetually nicked from constant shaving. During my half-year tenure in

the Institute, they submitted just one problem for Aldan,а and it reduced to

the same old division of zero by zero without any content of absolute truth.

It is possibleа that some of themа didа doа something useful, butа Iа had no

informationа toаа thatаа effect.аа Atа ten-thirtyаа Iаа arrivedа atа Ambrosi

Arnbruosovitch Vibegallo's floor. Covering my faceа withа a handkerchief and

trying notа to breatheа through my nose, Iа went directlyа to the laboratory

generallyа known amongа theа colleagues asа the "Maternityа Ward."а Here, in

retorts, asа Professor Vibegallo said,а wereа born modelsа of the ideal man.

Hatched out, that is; comprenez vous?

 

аааа Itа wasа stuffyа andа dark in theа lab.а I turnedа on theа lights.а The

illuminationа revealed smooth gray walls hung with portraits of Aesculapius,

Paracelsus, and Ambrosiа Ambruosovitch himself.а Heа was depicted in a small

black cap, with noble curls, and an indecipherable medal shining starlike on

his chest.

аааа An autoclaveа stood in the middle of the floorа and anotherа bigger one

hulked in the corner. Around the central autoclave, piled on the floor, were

loaves of bread, several galvanized pails with bluish slops, and a huge tank

with steamed bran. Judging by the smell, the herring heads were also nearby,

butа Iа couldn't discernа where they were actuallyа located. Silence reigned

against a background of rhythmic clicks in the depths of the autoclave.

аааа Not knowing why, I tiptoed over and looked into the viewing port. I was

already nauseous from the smell, but now I felt really ill, thoughа I didn't

see anything special: somethingа white andа shapeless slowlyа swaying in the

greenish murk. I turned off the lights,а went out, and diligently locked the

door. Iа was troubled withа vague premonitions.а Onlyа now I noticedа that a

thick black magicа lineа withа crudeа cabalisticа signs was drawn around the

doorsill. Onа looking closer,а itа becameа evident thatа itа was conjuration

against Gaki, the hungry demon of hell.

аааа I left the domain of Vibegallo with some sense of relief and started my

ascentа to theа sixthа floor, whereа Gianа Giacomoа and hisа associates were

occupiedа withа theа theoryа andа practiceа of Universal Transformations.а A

colorful poster in verse аhung on the stair landing, exhorting contributions

to a general-interest library. The idea belonged to the local committee, but

the verse was mine:

аааа Search through your attic nooks

аааа Your shelves and cabinets please scan

аааа Bring Us the magazines and books

аааа As many as you can.

аааа Iа blushedа and went on. Stepping onto theа sixth floor,а I saw at once

that the doorа to Victor's lab wasа half open, and husky singing impinged on

my ears.

 

Chapter 3

 

 

аааа Thee for my recitative

аааа Theeа inа theа drivingа stormа evenа as now,а the snow, theа winter day

declining,а theeа inа thy panoply, thy measur'd dual throbbingа and thy beat

convulsive.

 

аааааааааааааа W. Whitman

 

аааа A whileа back Victor saidа that he was going off to a party, leavingа a

double in the laboratory to work. A double-- that's a very interesting item.

Asа aа rule it'sа a fairlyа accurate copy ofа itsа creator. Let's say aа man

doesn'tа have enough hands-- he makes upа aа double that is brainless, mute,

whoа knows only how to solder contacts, or lugа weights,а or take dictation,

but knows howа toа do these things very wellа indeed. Or heа needsа aа model

anthropoid, also brainlessа and mute but capable only of walking on ceilings

or takingа telepathgrams and doing that well. Or again, take the simplest of

cases. Sayа the man is expecting to receiveа his pay,а but does notа wish to

lose time getting it, so he sends his double in his place, who knows only to

keep anyone from getting in frontа of him in the queue, to sign hisа name in

the recordа book,а andа to countа the money beforeа leaving the cashier.а Of

course, not everyone can create doubles. I, for one, was unable to do it. So

far, whatever I putа together couldn't do a thing-- not even walk. There you

wouldа be standingа in line with ostensible Victorа andа Romanа andа Volodia

Pochkin, but there would be no one you could talk to. They would standа like

stone monuments, not shifting their weight, not breathing, not blinking, and

there would be nobody to ask for a cigarette.

аааа True mastersа canа create very complex,а multiprogrammed, self-teaching

doubles.а It wasа such a superdoubleа that Roman sent offа in my placeа last

summer in the car. None of my friends guessed that it was not me. The double

drove the car very competently, cursed when the mosquitoes bit him, and sang

joyfully in chorus. Having returned to Leningrad,а he dropped everybody off,

turned theа car in all by himself, paidа for it, and disappeared rightа then

and there before the eyes of the stunned rental agent.

аааа At one timeа I thought that Janus-A and Janus-U were an original andа a

double. However, it was not like that. First, both directors had a passport,

aа diploma, passes, and otherа necessaryа documents.а Theа mostа complexа of

doubles,а on the contrary, could notа have anyа personal identifications. At

the mereа sight ofа a governmentа stampа onа theirа photographs theyа became

enraged, and immediately tore the documents to shreds. Magnus Redkin studied

this mysterious characteristic for a long time, but theа problem was clearly

too much for him.

аааа Further,а theа Januses were protein-based beings.а The argument between

the philosophers andа theа cyberneticists as toа whether doublesа shouldа be

regarded as living or notа has still not been resolved.а Mostа doublesа were

silico-organicа inа structure,а someа wereа based onа germanium, andа lately

doubles composed of alumopolymers were in fashion.

аааа And finally, and most importantly, no one ever createdа eitherа Janus-A

orа Janus-U artificially.а They were not original and copy,а nor brothers or

twins; they were a single man-- Janusа Poluektovich Nevstruev. No one in the

Institute could understandа it, but they knew it soа well that theyа did not

even try to understand.

аааа Victor'sа doubleа stood,а palms bracedа onа the laboratoryа table,а and

followedа theа working ofа a small Ashbyа homeostat with aа riveted gaze. He

accompanied himself with a soft little song to a once-popular tune:

аааа "We are not Descartes or Newton

аааа Science to us is a dark forest

аааа of wonders.

аааа While we, normal astronomers-- yes!

аааа Snatch stars from the skies."

аааа I had neverа heard ofа doubles singingа before.а But youа couldа expect

anythingа fromа one ofа Victor's doubles. I recollectа one such, which dared

argueа aboutа theа excessiveа expenditureа ofа psychicа energyа withа Modest

Matveevichа himself. Andа this, whileа the scarecrows I constructed, without

legs or arms, feared him to the point of convulsion, entirely by instinct.

аааа Inа the corner,а toа theа right ofа theа double,а stoodа theа two-speed

translator,а TDX-8OE,а underа itsа canvasа covering. Itа was theа inadequate

productа of the Kitezhgradа magitechnic factory. Next toа the table stood my

old friend the sofa,а its restitched leather gleamingа in the glare of three

spotlights. A babyа bath, filed withа water inа whichа a dead perchа floated

belly up, sat on top of the sofa. Also in the laboratory were shelves loaded

with instruments, and near the door, thereа was a large green bottle covered

with dust.а In the bottle was a sealed-up jinn, and one could see him moving

about in there and flashing his little eyes.

аааа Victor's double quit examining the homeostat, sat down on the sofa next

toа the bath, ogled the deadа fish with theа same fixed stare, andа sang the

following verse:

аааа "With the aim of taming nature

аааа And scattering ignorance's darkness

аааа We postulate a view of world creation-- yes!

аааа And dully look at what goes which way and how."

аааа The perch maintained its status quo.а Precipitately, the double plunged

his arm deeply into the sofaа and started toа turn somethingа there, puffing

with great effort.

аааа The sofaа was a translator. It erected an M-fleld around itself, which,

simplyа stated,а converted normalа realityа intoа imaginaryа reality.а I had

experienced thisа myselfа onа that memorable night whenа boarding with Naina

Kievna, and the only thing that had saved me was that the sofa was operating

at oneа quarter of its standard output; otherwiseа I would haveа ended up as

Tomа Thumb or somethingа similar. For Magnus Redkin the sofaа was a possible

containerа ofа theа Whiteа Thesis.а Forа Modestа Matveevich it wasа a museum

exhibit,а inventoryа numberа 1123,а andа anyа auctioningа offа wasа strictly

forbidden. For Victorа it was Device Number One. For this reason he stole it

every night.а Magnus Feodorovich, being jealous,а reported this to Personnel

Director Demin,а whileа the activity ofа Modestа Matveevichа was reducedа to

exhortations to "note all thatа down." Victor keptа stealing the sofaа until

Janusаа Poluektovichаа tookа aа hand--а inа closeа cooperationа withа Feodor

Simeonovich, and with theа activeа support of Gian Giacomo-- relyingа onа an

officialа letterа ofа theа Academyа Presidiumа signedа personallyаа byа four

academicians.а Theyа wereа ableа to neutralize Redkin completely,а and press

Modest Matveevichа somewhat backа from his entrenched position.а Theа latter

then announced that he, as the person officially accountable, didn't want to

hearа any more about that matter and desired that the sofa, inventory number

1123,а be placedа in its own special place. Should thisа not be done, Modest

Matveevich threatened, then everyone, including the academicians, must blame

themselves.а Janusа Poluektovichа agreedа toа blameа himself, so didа Feodor

Simeonovich, and Victor quickly lugged the sofa to his laboratory.

аааа Heа was a serious worker, not oneа of those loafers from the Department

ofа Absolute Knowledge, and he intended to transformа allа the water inа the

seasа and oceans of our planet into life-giving water. To date,а it is true,

he was still in the experimental stage.

аааа The perch in the bathа stirredа and turnedа belly down. The double took

his arm out of the sofa. Theа perch moved its fins apathetically, opened its

mouth as though in a yawn, fell over on its side, and turned belly up again.

аааа "B-beast," said the double with much expression.

аааа I snappedа to full alertness at once.а This was saidа withа emotion. No

laboratory doubleа could talkа like that.а Theа double put hisа handа in his

pocket,а gotа upа slowly, and saw me. Weа looked atа eachа otherа for aа few

seconds.

аааа Then I inquired sarcastically, "Working, aren't we?"

аааа The double looked at me dully.

аааа "Give it up," I said. "All is clear."

аааа The double was silent. He stood like a stone and didn't blink.

аааа "I'll tell you what," I said. "It's now ten-thirty. I am giving you ten

minutes.а Clean up, throw out the carrion, and runа along to the dance. I'll

turn the power off myself."

аааа The double puckered his lips into a tube and started to back up. He did

this very carefully, skirting the sofa, and stopped when the lab was between

us.а I lookedа atа my watch demonstratively.а He mouthedа anа incantation. A

calculator, pen, andа a stack ofа cleanа paper appearedа onа theа table. The

doubleа bentа his legs so that he hungа seatedа in the air, andа startedа to

write, looking at me fearfully now and then. It was done so naturally that I

began to doubt myself. But I had a sure method for establishing the truth of

theа matter.а Doublesа were,а asа aа rule,а completely insensitive toа pain.

Searchingа in myа pocket,а I drew out a pair ofа small diagonal pliers,а and

snapping them meaningfully, moved toward the double. He stopped writing.

аааа Looking him steadily in the eye, I snapped the head off a nail sticking

out of the table and said, "Well?"

аааа "Why are you pestering me?"а asked Victor. "Can'tа youа see a man is at

work?"

аааа "But you are a double," I said. "Don't you dare talk back to me."

аааа "Get rid of the pliers," he said.

аааа "Stop playing the fool," I said. "Some double!"

аааа Victor sat on the edge of the table and tiredly rubbed his ears.

аааа "Nothing works forа meа today," he informed me. "Today I am a dumbbell.

Madeа a double and itа came out totally brainless.а Droppedа everything, sat

downа on theа umclidet . . . the animal . . . I hit him in the neck and hurt

my hand . . . and even the perch croaks systematically."

аааа I went over to the sofa and looked in the bath.

аааа "What's the matter with him?"

аааа "How do I know?"

аааа "Where did you get it?"

аааа "At the market."

аааа I picked up the perch by the tail.

аааа "So what do you expect? It's an ordinary dead fish."

аааа "Oaf," said Victor. "That's water-of-life, of course!"

аааа "A-ah," I said as I tried to figure out how to advise him. I had butа a

fuzzyа understanding of the mechanismа of the water-of-life. Basically all I

knew was derivedа from the well-known fairy tale of Ivan the Tsarevitchа and

the Gray Wolf.

аааа The jinn in the bottle keptа moving about and every so often rubbed the

glass, which was dusty on the outside, with the palm of his hand.

аааа "You could wipe the bottle,а you know," I said, not having come up with

anything at all.

аааа "What?"

аааа "Wipe the dust off the bottle. He's bored in there."

аааа "To the devil with him! Letа him be bored!" Victor said absentmindedly.

He shoved his hand in the sofa, and again twisted at something in there. The

perch revived.

аааа "Didа youа seeа that?"а saidа Victor.а "Whenа Iа giveа itа theа maximum

potential-- everything works."

ааа а"It's an unfortunate choice of sample," I said, guessing.

аааа Victor extracted his arm from the sofa and stared at me.

аааа "Unfortunate . . ." he said. "Sample . . ." His eyes took on the aspect

of the double. "Sample to sample lupus..."

аааа "Furthermore, it's probably been frozen," I said,. growing bold.

аааа Victor wasn't listening.

аааа "Whereа could I get aа fish?" he said, looking around andа slapping his

pockets. "Just one little fish...."

аааа "For what?" I asked.

аааа "That's right," said Victor.а "For what? If there isn'tа another fish,"

he pronounced thoughtfully, "why not take another water sample? Right?"

аааа "Oh, but no," I contradicted. "It's no go."

аааа "Then what?" Victor asked eagerly.

аааа "Trundle yourself out of here," I said. "Leave the building."

аааа "Where to?"

аааа "Wherever you like."

аааа He climbed over the sofa and hugged me around the chest.

аааа "You listen to me, do you hear?" he said threateningly. "Nothing in the

world is identical. Everything fits the Gaussian distribution. Oneа water is

differentа fromа another.. .. This oldа fool didn'tа reckon thatа there is a

dispersion of properties...

аааа "Hey, friend," I called to him. "The New Year is almost here; don't get

carried away!"

аааа He let me go, and bustled about.

аааа "Where did I put it... ? What a dope... ! Where did I stick it . . .а ?

Ah, hereа itа is..."-а Heа ranа toward the stool,а where theа umclidet stood

upright. The very same one.

аааа I jumpedа back towardа the doorа andа saidа pleadingly, "Get yourа wits

together! It's going on twelve! They are waiting for you! Your sweet Vera is

waiting!"

аааа "Nah," he replied. "I sent them a double. A good double, a hefty type .

-.а .а dumb asа they come.а Tellsа jokes, doesа handstands, dancesа with the

endurance of an ox."

аааа He turned theа umclidet inа hisа hands, estimating something,а looking,

calculating, and squinting with one eye.

аааа "Out-- I'm telling you! Out!" I yelled in desperation.

аааа Victorа lookedа at me briefly,а and I fell back. The fun was over with.

Victor wasа in the conditionа of a magus who, enthralled by his work,а would

turnа thoseа in hisа wayа into spiders, wood lice, lizards, and otherа quiet

animals. I squatted by the bottle with the jinn and looked.

аааа Victorаа frozeаа inаа theааа classicalаа imprecationаа poseаа involving

materialization (the "Matrikhor" position), andа aа pinkа fogа rose over the

table;а batlikeа shades flitted about,а the calculatorа vanished,а the paper

vanished,а andа suddenlyа theа wholeа surface of theа table was covered with

vessels filled with a transparent liquid. Victor thrustа the umclidet at the

stool without looking,а and grabbedа one of theа vessels and studied it with

great absorption. Itа wasа obviousа that he was not going anywhere,а anytime

soon. Quicklyа be removed the bathа fromа the sofa, was atа the shelf in one

jump, and started dragging a cumbersome copper aquavitometer to the table. I

arranged myself more comfortably, rubbed clear an observation window for the

jinn,а whenа voices sounded inа theа corridor, accompanied byа the soundа of

running feet and slamming doors. I jumped up and charged out of the lab.

аааа The feelingа ofа nighttime emptinessа andа darkened quietа inа the huge

buildingа had vanishedа without aа trace. Lightsа blazedа inа theа corridor.

Someoneа ranа helter-skelterа onа theа stairs;а someone yelled,а "Valka! The

potential is falling! Get to the battery room!" Someone was shaking his coat

out on the landing, flinging snow in all dfrections. Comingа straight at me,

bendingа elegantly andа lookingа pensive,а wasа Gianа Giacomo, followed by a

trottingа gnome carryingа a huge portfolio under his arm and a walking stick

in hisа teeth. We bowed to each other. The greatа prestidigitator smelled of

good wine andа French scent. I didn'tа dare stop him and he went through the

lockedа doorа intoа his office. The gnomeа pushed through theа portfolio and

stick in his wake, but dived into a radiator himself.

аааа "What the hell?" I cried, and ran to the stairs.

аааа The Institute was stuffed to the gills with colleagues. It seemed there

were even more ofа them than on a workingа day. In officesа and laboratories

theа lights were fullа on,а doorsа wereа wide аopen.а The usual business hum

pervaded theа Institute:а thereа was the crack of discharges,а the manytoned

voices dictating numbers or pronouncing incantations, theа staccato pounding

of calculatorsа and typewriters. Above it all was the rolling and victorious

roar ofа Feodor Simeonovich: "That's good! That's great! You are a good man,

old buddy. But who's the imbecile who plugged in the generator?"

аааа I was struck in the back with a sharp corner and grabbed the railing. I

was enraged. It was Volodia Pochkin and Eddie Amperian, who wereа carrying a

coordinate-measuring apparatus that weighed half a ton up to their floor.

аааа "Oh, Sasha?" said Eddie, as friendly as could be. "Hello, Sasha."

аааа "Sasha,а make way!"а hollered Volodia,а backingа up. "Swing itа around,

swing it around!"

аааа I seized him by the collar.

аааа "Why are you at the Institute? How did you get here?"

аааа "Through theа door, through the door! Let go...!" said Volodia. "Eddie,

more to the right. Can't you see it's not getting through?"

аааа Iа letа him go and darted off toа theа vestibule.а Iа was burningа with

administrativeа wrath. "I'llа show you," Iа grated, jumping four steps atа a

time.а "I'llа show you how toа goof off. I'll show youа how to let anyone in

without checking him out!"

аааа The In and Out macro-demons, instead of tending to their business, were

playingа roulette,а shakingа withа aа gamblingа frenzyа andаа phosphorescing

feverishly. Under my very eyes, "In," oblivious of his duties,а tookа a bank

of some seventy billionа molecules from "Out." Iа recognized the roulette at

once. It was myа roulette.а I made the thing for a party and kept itа behind

the cabinet inа Electronics,а and the only one who knew about itа was Victor

Korneev, A conspiracy. I decided. I'll blast them all. And all the time gay,

rosy-cheeked colleagues kept coming and coming through the vestibule.

аааа "Some wind! My ears are stuffed. . .

аааа "So you left too?"

аааа "It's a bore.а . . . Everyone got a big laugh. I'd be betterа off doing

some work, I thought to myself. So I left them a double and went."

аааа "You know, there Iа was dancing withа this girl and I could feelа I was

getting furry all over. Downed some vodka-- it didn't help."

аааа "And whatа ifа youа use anа electron beam? Too muchа mass?а Then we use

photons. ..

аааа "Alexis, do you have an extra laser? Let me have one even if it's a gas

type. .

аааа "Galka, where did you leave your husband?"

аааа "Iа leftа anа hour ago, if youа must know. Right into a drift, up to my

ears, almost buried me."

аааа It came to meа that I wasn't making it as watchman. There was noа sense

in taking the roulette from the demonsа anymore; all that was left was to go

and have a tremendous row with the provocateur Victor, and let coMe what may

thereafter.а I shook my fist at the demons and hauledа myself up the stairs,

trying to visualize what would happen if Modest Matveevich should look in at

the Institute now.

аааа On the way to the director's reception room, I stopped at the Shock and

Vibration Hall. Here they wereа tamingа a released jinn.. The jinn, huge and

purpleа withа rage,а was flinging himselfа about in the open cage, which was

surrounded with Gianа Benа Gian shields andа closed from above with powerful

magnetic fields. Stung with high-voltage discharges, he howled,а andа cursed

in several deadа languages,а leaped about, and belched tongues of flame. Out

of sheer excitement he would start buildingа a palaceа and would immediately

destroy it.а Finallyа heа surrendered, sat down on the floor shuddering with

each shock, moaned piteously,а and said, "Enough,а leaveа off! I won't do it

any more. ... Oi, oi, oi. .. I am all quiet now. ...

аааа Calm, unblinking young men, all doubles, stood by the discharge-control

console.а Theа originals,а on the other hand,а crowding around the vibration

stand, were glancing at their watches and uncorking bottles.

аааа I went over to them.

аааа "Ah, Sasha!"

аааа "Sasha pal, I hear you areа on watch today. ... I'llа be overа toа your

section later...

аааа "Hey there, somebody, make up a glass for him-- my hands are loaded. ..

аааа I was stunned and didn't notice how aа glass appeared in my hand. Corks

firedа intoа Gianа Benа Gianа shields,а icyа champagneа flowed, hissingа and

sparkling. Theа dischargesа silenced, theа jinnа stopped whining and started

sniffing the air. Inа the same instant theа Kremlinа clock startedа striking

twelve.

аааа "Friends! Long live Monday!"

аааа Theа glasses clinked together. Later someone said,а lookingа the bottle

over, "Who made the wine?"

аааа "I did."

аааа "Don't forget to pay tomorrow."

аааа "How about another bottle?"

аааа "Enough, we'll catch cold."

аааа "That's a good jinn, this one. A bit nervous, maybe."

аааа "One does not look a gift horse.."

аааа "That'sа all right,а he'll fly like aа doll,а holdа outа forа the forty

maneuvers, and then he can go peddle his nerves."

аааа "Hey, guys," I said timidly. "It's night out there and it's аa holiday.

How about going home . . ."

аааа They looked at me, patted me on the back, told me, "It's OK, you'll get

over it,"а and moved in a body toward the cage.а The doubles rolled away one

ofа theа shields and theа originalsа surroundedа the jinn inа a businesslike

manner,а took himа inа powerfulа gripsа by hisа hands and feetа andа started

carrying him toward the vibro stand. The jinn was timidlyа begging for mercy

and diffidently promising all the riches of the tsars.а I stood alone to the

side and watched them attaching microsensors toа theа variousа partsа of his

body. Next Iа felt one ofа the shields. Itа wasа huge,а heavy,а dentedа with

potholes from theа ballа lightning strokes, andа charred in severalа places.

Gian Ben Gian's shieldsа wereа constructed out ofа seven dragon hidesа glued

together with the bile of a patricide, andа rated for direct lightning hits.

Attached to each shield with upholstery tacksа were metallic inventory tags.

Theoretically, theа outer sides of the shieldsа should have depicted all the

famous battles of theа past and the inner sides all the great battles of the

future. In practice, the face of the shield I was studyingа showed something

like a jet attacking a motorized column, and the inner side was covered with

strange swirls reminiscent of an abstract painting.

аааа Theyа startedа shakingа theа jinnа on the vibro-stand. Heа giggledа and

squealed, "Itа tickles . . . ! Ai,а Iа can'tа stand it!" I returnedа toа the

corridor. It smelled of Bengalа fire.а Girandoles swirled under the ceiling,

bangingа into walls; rockets, trailingа streams ofа coloredа smoke, streaked

overhead. I met Volodiaа Pochkin's doubleа carryingа aа gigantic incunabulum

boundа with brass bands, two doubles ofа Roman Oira-Oira collapsing underа a

ponderous beam, then Romanа himself with a stack of bright blue folders from

the archives of the Department of Unassailable Problems, and next a wrathful

lab technician conveying a troop of cursing ghosts in crusader cloaks, to be

interrogated by Junta. Everyone was busy and preoccupied. ...

аааа Theа labor legislation was being flagrantly ignored and I began to feel

that I had lost all desire to struggleа againstа this law-breaking, because,

tonight atа twelveа o'clock on New Year's Eve,а plowingа through a blizzard,

theyа cameа in,а theseа peopleа whoа hadа moreа interestа inа bringing toа a

conclusion, or starting anew, a usefulа undertaking than stunning themselves

withа vodka,а mindlessly kickingа withа theirа legs,а playingа charades, and

practicing flirtations in various degrees of frivolity. Here came people who

would rather be with each other than anywhere else, whoа couldn't standа any

kind of Sunday, because theyа were bored on Sunday. They were magi, Men with

a capitalа M, and their motto wasа "Mondayа begins on Saturday." True,а they

knew an incantation or two, knew how to turn water into wine, and any one of

them wouldа not findа it difficult toа feed a thousand with five loaves. But

they were not magi for that. That wasа chaff,а outer tinsel. They wereа magi

becauseа they had aа tremendous knowledge, so muchа indeed that quantity had

finallyа beenа transmutedа into quality, and they had comeа into a different

relationshipа withа theа worldа thanа ordinaryа people.а They workedа inа an

Institute that was dedicatedа above all toа the problems of humanа happiness

and theа meaningа of human life, and even amongа them, not one knewа exactly

what was happinessа and what precisely was the meaning of life. So they took

itа as a working hypothesis that happinessа lay inа gainingа perpetually new

insights into the unknown andа the meaningа of life was to be foundа inа the

same process. Everyа man is a magus inа his innerа soul, butа he becomes one

only when he begins to think less about himself andа more about others, when

itа becomes more interesting for him to work than to recreate himself in the

ancient meaningа of the word.а Inа all probability, their working hypothesis

was not far from the truth, for just as work had transformed ape into man so

had the absence ofа it transformed man into ape in muchа shorter periodsа of

time. Sometimesа even into something worse than an ape. We constantly notice

these thingsа inа our daily life. The loafer and sponger,а the careerist and

the debauchee, continue to walk about on their hind extremities and to speak

quiteа congruently (althoughа theа rosterа ofа their subjectsа shrinksа to a

cipher).а As toа tight pants and infatuation with jazz, there was an attempt

at one time to use these factors as indicesа of аapeward transformation, but

it was quickly determined that they were often the property of even the best

of the magi.

аааа However,а it was impossible to conceal regression atа the Institute. It

presented limitless opportunities toа transform manа into magus. Butа it was

merciless toward regressors and marked them without a miss. Allа a colleague

had to do wasа toа give himself over to egotistical and instinctive behavior

(and sometimes just thinking about it), and he would noticeа inа terror that

the fuzz on his ears would grow thicker. That was by way of warning. Just as

a police whistle warns of a fine, or a pain warns of a possible trauma. Then

everything depended on oneself. Quite often a man could not contend with his

sourа thoughts,а that'sа whyа he аwasа aа man--а the passingа stageа between

neanderthal and magus. But he could act contrary to these thoughts, and then

heа still hadа a chance. Or he could give in, give it allа up ("We live only

once," "You should take all you canа out of life," "I am no strangerа to all

that's human"), but then there was only one thing to do: leave the Institute

as soon as possible. There, on the outside, he could still remain at least a

decent citizen, honestly аif flabbilyа earning his pay. But it was difficult

to decide on leaving. It was cozy andа pleasantа at the Institute, theа work

was clean and respected, the pay was not bad, the people were wonderful, and

shame would not eatа one's eyesа out.а Soа they wandered about, pursued with

compassionate glances,а through the halls and the labs, theirа earsа covered

with gray bristles, aimless, losing clarity of speech,а growing moreа stupid

under one's very eyes. Still, you could pity them, you could try to help and

hope to revert them to human aspect.

аааа But there were others. With empty eyes. Those knowing with certainty on

which side their bread wasа buttered. In their own way they were not stupid.

Inа theirа ownа way theyа wereа not bad judges ofа humanа nature. Theyа were

calculatingа and unprincipled, knowledgeableа of all theа weaknesses of man,

clever at turningа any bad situation into aа good deal forа themselves,а and

tirelessа at that occupation. They shaved their ears painstakingly andа kept

inventing the most marvelous means for getting rid of their hairy coverings.

Quiteа often,а theyа succeeded in attaining considerableа heightsа and great

success in their basic purpose-- the constructionа ofа a bright future inа a

single privateа apartment or on a single private suburbanа plot,а fenced off

with barbed wire from the rest of humanity.

аааа Iа returned to myа post in the director'sа receptionа room, dumpedа the

useless keys into the box, and read aа few pagesа from the classicа workа of

J.P. Nevstruev, Mathematicalа Equations inа Magic.а Theа book readа likeа an

adventure novel, as it was stuffed with posed and unsolved problems. I began

toа burnа withа aа desireа toа work andа almost decidedа to chuckа myа watch

responsibilities so I could go to my Aldan, when Modest Matveevich called.

аааа Chewing crunchily,а he inquired, "Where are you, Privalov?а I'm calling

for the third time. It's disgraceful!"

аааа "Happy New Year, Modest Matveevich," I said.

аааа Heа chewed in silence for someа time and repliedа in a lower tone, "The

same to you. How's the watch going?"

аааа "I just finished my tour of the building," I said. "All is normal."

аааа "There wasn't any auto-combustion?"

аааа "None at all."

аааа "Power off everywhere?"

аааа "Briareus broke a finger," I said.

аааа Heа wasа worried.а "Briareus?а Wait aа while. .а . . Ah, yes, inventory

number fourteen-eighty-nine. ... Why?"

аааа I explained.

аааа "That wasа aа correctа solution,"а saidа Modestа Matveevich.а "Continue

standing watch. That's all here."

аааа Immediatelyа afterа Modestа Matveevich,а Eddieа Amperian,а fromа Linear

Happiness,аа called,а andа politelyа askedа meа toа calculateаа theа optimal

coefficients ofа freedomа fromа careа forа thoseа workingа inа positionsа of

responsibility. Iа agreed and we worked out a time of meeting for twoа hours

later in Electronics. After that,а Oira-Oira's double cameа in and asked for

theа safe keys in a colorless voice.а I refused.а Heа insisted. I chased him

out.

аааа In a minute, Roman himself came running.

аааа "Give me the keys."

аааа I shook my head. "I won't."

аааа "Give me the keys!"

аааа "Go take a steambath. I am the person materially accountable."

аааа "Sasha! I'll carry it off!"

аааа I grinned and said, "Help yourself."

аааа Roman glared atа the safe and strained his whole body, but the safe was

either spellbound or screwed to the floor.

аааа "What do you want in there, anyway?" I asked.

аааа "Documentation on RU-Sixteen,"а saidа Roman. "Howа about it? Let's have

the keys!"

аааа I laughed, and reached for the box with the keys. In the same instant a

piercing scream sounded somewhere above us. I jumped up.

 

Chapter 4

 

 

аааа Woe! 1 am not a robust fellow;

аааа The vampire will have me in one swallow ..

 

аааааааааааааа A.S. Pushkin

 

 

аааа "It's hatched," said Roman, calmly looking at the celling.

аааа "Who?" I was ill at ease, as the cry was feminine.

аааа "Vibegallo's monster," said Roman. "More precisely, his zombi."

аааа "Why was there a woman's cry?"

аааа "You'll soon see," said Roman.

аааа He tookа me by the hand, jumped up, and we streaked through the floors.

Piercingа theа ceilings, we wedgedа into floorsа like aа knifeа intoа frozen

butter,а then worked through with a sucking sound, burstа out into theа air,

andа again charged theа nextа floor. It was darkа betweenа the ceilingsа and

floors,а andа smallа gnomes mixed withа miceа scatteredа away fromа usа with

frightenedа squeals.а In theа labsа through whichа weа flewа colleagues were

staring upward with worried faces.

аааа We pushed our way throughа a crowdа of the curious that had accumulated

at the Maternityа Ward, and sawа an entirely nude Professor Vibegallo at the

table. His bluish-white skin gleamed wetly, his beard hung limply in a cone,

wet hair plastered his forehead, on which a functional volcanic boil erupted

flames. Hisа empty,а translucentа eyesа wanderedа aimlessly aboutа the room,

blinking sporadically.

а аааProfessor Vibegallo was eating. Steaming onа the table in frontа of him

was a large photographic tray, filledа to the brim with bran, Not paying any

special attention to us, he scooped the bran with his palms, kneaded it into

a lump, and conveyed it intoа hisа mouth orifice, liberallyа sprinklingа his

beard with stray bits. With this he crunched, smacked, grunted, and slurped,

bent his head to the side,а and squinted hisа eyes as though experiencing an

unbearableа pleasure.а From time toа timeа he becameа agitatedа andа without

interrupting his swallowing and chewing, grasped theа rimа of theа tubа with

bran and the pails with slops,а which stood by him on the floor,а and pulled

them closer andа closer.а Atа the other endа of theа table, Stella, aа young

undergraduate witch with clean pink ears, pale and tear-stained, was cutting

loavesа intoа hugeа slabs andа handing themа to Vibegallo withа outstretched

hands, turning herа face away. The center autoclave was open and overturned,

and a greenish puddle oozed around it.

аааа Vibegallo suddenly said indistinctly, "Hey, wench let's have some milk!

Pour it right here in the bran, I mean. S'il vous plaIt, I mean."

аааа Stella hurriedlyа picked upа a pail andа splashed its contents into the

tray.

аааа "Eh!" exclaimed Professor Vibegallo. "The dish is small!а You, girl . .

. what's your name . . . pour it right into the tub. I mean, we'll eat right

out of the tub. ..

аааа Stellaа startedа pouringа pailfuls intoа theа tub,а and theа professor,

grasping the tray like a spoon, took to ladling the bran into his maw, which

suddenly opened incredibly wide.

аааа "Will somebody please call him!" Stella cried piteously. "He'll eatа it

all up in no time."

аааа "We've already called," said someone in the crowd. "You'dа betterа move

away from him. Come on over here."

аааа "Will he come? Will he?"

аааа "Heа said he was leaving.а Putting on galoshes, Iа mean, and going out.

We're telling you-- move away from him."

аааа Finallyа Iа understoodа whatа wasа goingа on. Thatа wasа notа Professor

Vibegallo.а Itа wasа theа newbornа zombi,а theа modelа ofа Man,а unsatisfied

stomachwise. I thankedа God, for I thought the professor had had a stroke as

a result of intensive overwork.

аааа Stella movedа back cautiously. They took her byа the shoulders and drew

herа intoа theа crowd. She hidа behindа my back, graspingа my elbow,а andа I

immediately squared my shoulders, though I still did not comprehend whatа it

was all aboutа and why she was so frightened.а The zombi gorgedа himself.а A

stunned silence filled the lab-- full of people, but the only sound was that

of him, slurping and snuffling like a horse, andа scrubbing on the tub walls

with the tray. We looked on. He slid off the chair and submerged his head in

the tub. The women looked away. Lilya Novosmekhova was ill and they escorted

her out into the hall. Then the clear voice of Eddie Amperian was heard.

аааа "All right. Let's be logical.а Inа a minute he'll finish the bran, then

he'll eat the bread. And then?"

аааа There was movement inа theа front ranks.а The crowdа backed towardа the

door. I began to comprehend.

аааа Stellaа saidа in aа thin little voice,а "Thereа areа still theа herring

heads."

аааа "A lot?"

аааа "Two tons."

аааа "Hmm, yes," said Eddie. "And where are they?"

аааа "They were supposed to be supplied by conveyor. But I tried it and it's

broken," said Stella.

аааа "By the way," said Roman loudly, "it's now beenа two minutes since I've

been trying to pacify him and entirely without effect."

аааа "I, too," said Eddie.

аааа "For that reason," said Roman, "it would be a very good thing if one of

theа lessа squeamish amongа youа gotа busyа withа fixing the conveyor. Asа a

palliative.а Areа thereа any other adepts here? аI see Eddie. Anybodyа else?

Korneev! Victor Pavlovich, are you here?"

аааа "He is not. Maybe he went to look for Feodor Simeonovich..."

аааа "I think we shouldn't bother himа for now. We'll manage somehow. Eddie,

let's try concentrating together."

аааа "Which approach?"

аааа "The braking regime. Up to tetanus. Guys! Everyone pitch in who can."

аааа "Wait a minute," said Eddie. "And what if we damage him?"

аааа "Yeah, yeah, yeah!" Iа said. "Maybe you'd betterа not. Better he should

eat me."

аааа "Don'tа worry, don't worry.а We'llа beа careful. Eddie,а let'sа try the

contact method. One touch."

аааа "Let's begin," said Eddie.

аааа The silence becameа even more intense. The zombi worried the basin, and

volunteers exchanged comments and clattered behind the wall,а working on the

conveyor.а A minute passed. Theа zombiа climbed outа of theа tub, wipedа his

beard, looked at us sleepily, and suddenly extended his arm to an impossible

length and snatched the last ofа theа loaves ofа bread with a deft movement.

Next he gaveа forth a rolling belch andа fell back on the chair, folding his

arms on a hugely distended belly. Esctasy flowed overа his face. He snuffled

and smiledа inanely.а He was undoubtedly happy, as a terminally tired man is

happy on finally reaching the longed-for bed.

аааа "It seems to haveа worked," someone in the crowd said. Roman compressed

his lips in doubt.

аааа "I don't have that impression," Eddie said politely.

аааа "Maybe his spring has run down," I said hopefully.

аааа Stella complained informatively, "It's only a temporary relaxation.., a

paroxysm of satiety. He'll wake up again soon."

аааа "You mastersа just haven'tа got the strength," said a masculineа voice.

"Let me go; I'll call Feodor Simeonovich."

аааа We all looked at each other, smiling uncertainly. Roman pensively toyed

withа theа umclidet,а rollingа itа aboutа inа hisаа palm.а Stellaа shivered,

whispering, "What'sа going to happen, Sasha? I am frightened!" As for me,а I

stuck myа chest out, furrowed my brows,а and struggled with anа overwhelming

desire to call Modestа Matveevich. I hadа aа terribleа urge to get outа from

underа my responsibility. It wasа a weakness andа I was powerless before it.

Modestа Matveevich appeared toа me atа that moment inа an entirely different

light. I was convinced that all Modest Matveevich had to do was show up here

and roar at the monster, "You will cut that out, comrade Vibegallol" and the

thing would quit at once.

аааа "Roman,"а I said carelessly, "I suppose that inа the extremeа caseа you

could dematerialize it."

аааа Roman laughed and patted me on the. back. "Fear not," he said. "This is

just a toy. I just don't feel like tangling with Vibegallo. . . . Don't mind

this one,а butа beware ofа thatа one!" He pointedа atа the secondа autoclave

clicking away peacefully in the corner.

аааа In theа meantime, the zombiа started to stir uneasily. Stellaа squeaked

softly andа pressed herself against me. The zombi's eyes openedа wide. First

he bent over and balanced in the tub. Thenа he banged the empty pails about.

Then heа was stillа and sat motionlessа inа the chairа forа someа time.а The

expression of satisfaction on his face was replaced by one of bitter injury.

Heа raisedа himselfа up,а sniffed,а rapidlyа twitchingа hisа nostrils,а and,

deploying a long red tongue, licked the crumbs off the table.

аааа "Hold on, everybody. . ." whispered the crowd.

аааа The zombi reached into the tub, pulled out the tray, looked over on all

sides, and bit at its edge.а His eyebrows rose in pain. He bit another piece

out and crunchedа on it. His face turned blue, as though in irritation;а his

eyesа watered, but he kept biting time after time until he had chewed up the

wholeа tray. аFor a minuteа he sat in thought, fingering his teeth,а then he

slid his gaze slowly over the stilled crowd. Itа was not a nice gaze; it was

somehow evaluative and selective.

аааа Volodia Pochkin said involuntarily, "No, no, take it easy, you.. ."

аааа The empty translucent eyes fixed on Stella,а and she let out aа scream,

theа sameа soul-rending scream, reaching up into the supersonicа range, that

Roman andа Iа had heardа four floors below in theа director's reception room

just aа few minutes before.а I shuddered. The zombi was also discomfited; he

lowered his eyes and started drumming his fingers nervously on the table.

аааа Thereа wasа a commotionа at theа entrance. Everyoneа movedа about,а and

Ambrosiа Ambruosovitchа Vibegallo pushedа throughа the crowd,а elbowingа the

entrancedа curiousа and plucking icicles outа ofа hisа beard. He smelledа of

vodka, overcoat, and frost.

аааа "Dear me!" he hollered. "What's all this? Queue situation! Stella, what

areа you doing just gaping there? Where is the herring?а He has needs!а They

are increasing! You should have read my papers!"

аааа He approached the zombi, who immediately started to sniff him greedily.

Vibegallo gave the zombi his coat.

аааа "The needs must be satisfied!" he said, hurriedly flicking the switches

at the conveyor control board. "Why didn't you give itа to him at once?а Oh,

theseа lesа femmes. Whoа said it's broken? It'sа notа brokenа atа all;а it's

spellbound."

аааа Aа window opened in the wall,а the conveyor clattered,а and a floodа of

stinkingа herringа headsа flowedа right ontoа theа floor.а Theа zombi's eyes

gleamed. Heа fellа on all fours, trotted smartly to the window,а andа set to

work. Vibegallo stood alongside, clapped his hands, exclaimed joyfully, and,

brimming with feelings, scratched the zombi behind the ear now and then.

аааа The crowd sighed in relief. It developed that Vibegallo had brought two

regionalа newspaperа correspondentsа withаа him.аа Theа correspondentsа were

familiar-- G.а Perspicaciovа andа B. Pupilov. They,а too, smelled ofа vodka.

Setting off their flashes, they proceeded to take pictures and notes.

аааа The two specialized in scientific reporting. G. Perspicaciov was famous

for the phrase:а "Oort wasа the first to look at the starry sky andа to note

the rotation of the galaxy." He was also the owner of theа literary writings

of the saga of Merlin's journey with the Chairman of the Regional Soviet and

anа interview (conducted in ignorance) with OiraOira's double. The interview

bore the title, "Man with aа Capital M," and startedа withа the words, "Like

everyа trueа scientist,а heа wasа notа talkative."а B.а Pupiovа spongedа off

Vibegallo.а His daring sketchesа about boots thatа put themselves on,а about

self-harvesting, self-loading carrots,а andа about otherа Vibegallo projects

were widely known in the region, while the article "Magicianа from Solovetz"

even appeared in one of the national magazines.

аааа When the zombi finally reachedа anotherа of his paroxysms ofа satiation

andа dozed off, Vibegallo's newly arrived laboratoryа assistants dressed the

monsterа in aа two-piece suitа and hoisted him intoа the chair.а Having been

rudely extirpated from their New Year's repasts, they were a bit surly about

it. The correspondents placed Vibegallo alongside the monster withа his hand

on theа monster's shoulder, andа taking aim with their lenses, asked himа to

continue.

аааа "What, then,а is most important?" Vibegallo went on readily.а "The most

imporant thing isа that man shouldа beа happy. I noteа thisа in parentheses:

Happinessа is a humanа concept. Andа what isа man, philosophically speaking?

Man, comrades, is Homoа sapiens,а whoа has desires and abilities. Perhaps, I

mean, heа wants, and he wantsа all that he can. N'est pas, comrades? If he--

man, that is-- can have allа thatа he wantsа and wants all that he can have,

then he is trulyа happy. We will define him so.а Andа what have weа hereа in

front of us, comrades? We have a model. But this model has desires, and that

isа allа toа theа good.а Soа toа speak,а excellent,а exquis,а charmant.а And

furthermore,а comrades, it is capable.а Thisа isа even better because,а that

being theа case,а it.а ..а he, Iа meanа .а .а . isа happy.а Weа have hereа a

metaphysical transformation from unhappiness to happiness, and this does not

surpriseа us, since people are notа born happy, but,а Iа mean, that is, they

become happy. Here it is wakingа up . . . it desires. For this reason itа is

temporarily unhappy. Butа itа isа able,а andа throughа this, Сbeing able,' a

dialectic jump occurs.а There, there! Look atа that! Did you see how able it

is?а Oh, you dear! Myа joy! There, there! And how it is able! It is able for

ten-fifteen minutes. . . You there, comrade Pupilov. Why don'tа you put away

your still camera and use your movieа camera,because weа have here a dynamic

process,а here everything is in motion! Rest isа as it should be, a relative

phenomenon, but movement is absolute. There you are. Now it has been able to

moveа dialecticallyа intoа theа regionаа ofа happiness.а Toаа theа realmа of

satisfaction, that is. You see it has closed its eyes. It's enjoying itself.

It feels good. Iа tell you, in aа scientific sense,а Iа would be willingа to

changeа placesа with him, rightа now,а of course.а ... Comrade Perspicaciov,

write down everythingа I say and then let me have a look at it. I'llа smooth

it out and add references. . . . Now it is sleeping, but that's not all. Our

needsа must go deeperа asа well as wider.а That wouldа beа theа only correct

process. On dit que Vibegallo is allegedly an enemy of theа spiritual. That,

comrades, is a label. Weа shouldа have putа aside such labelsа in scientific

discussions a long time ago, comrades. We all know that all that is material

leads the way and all

аааа thatа is spiritual brings up the rear. Satur venter,а as is well known,

non studit libentur.* Which we

аааа will translate, as it applies to thisа situation, in this way: Bread is

always on the mind of the hungry."

аааа "It is the other way around," said Oira-Oira.

аааа Vibegallo lookedа atа himа vacantlyа for someа time and then said, "The

commentary fromа the audience,а comrades, will be noted with indignation. It

isа regarded as unformed. Let us not be diverted fromа the main topic-- from

theа practicalа aspects. Iа continueа andа turnа toа the nextа stage ofа the

experiment. Iа am clarifyingа my presentation for theа sake of the press. In

accordance withа theа materialist concept,а and materialа consumptionа needs

havingа been temporarilyа satisfied,а weа canа turn to theа satisfactionа of

spiritualа needs.а Such asа go to a movie, enjoy television, listen toа folk

songs orа sing oneself, or even read a book,а say Krokodil** or a newspaper.

... Comrades,а we do notа forget that abilitiesа are required forа all that,

whileа theа satisfaction ofа material needsа doesа notа requireа any special

abilities, which are always present, since nature followsа the materialistic

viewpoint.а As yetа weа cannotа say anythingа aboutа thisа model's spiritual

capabilities, inasmuch as the seed ofа its rationality resides in alimentary

hunger. But we shall expose these spiritual capabilities now."

аааа Theа dourа techniciansа deployed a tapeа recorder,а aа radio,а aа movie

projector, and a small portable libraryа on the table. The zombi scanned the

instrumentsа of cultureа withа an indifferent gaze and sampled the tapeа for

taste. Itа became evident that the spiritual capabilities of the model would

not develop spontaneously. And soа Vibegallo ordered a forceful infusionа of

cultural habits, asа he put it. The tape recorder sang in surgary tones, "My

darlingа andа I were parting, we swore everlasting love." The radio whistled

and gargled.а The projector displayed the animated film, Wolfа and the Seven

Sheep. Two technicians stood one on each side of theа zombi andа startedа to

readа aloudа simultaneously.а .а .а .а As shouldа haveа beenа expected,а the

alimentary modelа responded toа all thisа noise withа complete indifference.

While it desired to stuff itself, it couldn't care less about itsа spiritual

world, because it wantedа toа stuff itself,а and itа didа lustа that. Having

satisfied its hunger, itа ignored its spiritual self, becauseа itа went limp

and temporarily did not desire anythingа atа all. Theа sharp-eyedа Vibegallo

managed, nevertheless, toа observeа an unmistakableа connection betweenа the

drumbeats (from the radio) and theа reflexа quiverings in the model'sа lower

extremities. This jerking threw him into a fit of joy.

аааа "The leg!" heа cried, seizing B. Pupilov by the sleeve. "Photograph the

leg! Close-up. La vibration de son mollet gauche est un grand signe.*** This

leg will sweep away all the intrigues and tear off all theа labels that have

been hung on me. Oui, sans doute,а someone who is not a specialist couldа be

surprised at myа reaction to theа leg. But, comrades, allа great thingsа are

manifest inа small, and Iа must remind youа that this modelа isа aа model of

limited needs-- speaking concretely, with only one need, and calling a spade

aа spade,а justа between us,а withoutа any obfuscation,а it's aа modelа with

alimentary needs only.а That is whyа it has such limited spiritual needs. We

assert,а however,а that only aа variety of materialа needs could guarantee a

variety in spiritual needs. I clarify for the press with an example in terms

comprehensible to them. If, for instance, it had a strongly developed desire

for the tape recorder-- the Astra-Seven, worth aа hundred and forty rubles--

itа wouldа play that tape recorder;а for youа can understandа there would be

nothing elseа to do with it,а if it could get it. And ifа it played it, then

there wouldа be music, andа one would have to listenа to it, or dance to it.

And what, comrades, is listening toа music,а withа or without dancing? It is

the satisfaction of spiritual needs. Comprenez vous?"

 

а

_________

аааа * A full belly is deaf to learning.

аааа ** Humorous periodical.

аааа *** The quivering of its left calf is an important sign.

 

 

аааа I hadа noticed forа someа time that the zombi behavior hadа undergone a

substantial change. Whether somethingа had goneа wrong with it or whether it

wasа normal, the periods of its relaxation had grown shorter and shorter, so

that toward the end of Vibegallo's speech,а it no longer left theа conveyor.

Although it could have been that it became more and more difficult for it to

move.

аааа "Mayа I beа permitted aа question?"а Eddieа said politely. "Howа do you

explain the cessation of the satiation paroxysms?"

аааа Vibegallo stoppedа talkingа and looked at theа zombi.а It wasа stuffing

itself. He looked at Eddie.

аааа "I'll answer you," he said smugly. "Theа question, comrades, is aа good

one. I'd even sayа anа intelligent question, comrades. We haveа beforeа us a

realа modelа of perpetually increasing materialа needs. It would appear that

the satiationа paroxysmsа have ceased, but only to the superficial observer.

In reality theyа haveа been dialectically transformedа intoа aа new quality.

Comrades, they have spread to the very process of the satisfaction of needs.

Now its not enough for the modelа to beа well fed. Now its needs have grown,

now it needs to eat all the time, nowа it has taught itselfа that chewing is

also wonderful. Do you understand, comrade Amperian?"

аааа I looked at Eddie. Eddie was smiling politely. Next to him, arm in arm,

stood the doubles of Feodor Simeonovich and Cristobal Joseevich. Their heads

with widely spaced earsа were turningа slowly to andа fro like airport radar

antennas.

аааа "May I ask another question?" said Roman.

аааа "Please," said Vibegallo, looking tiredly condescending.

аааа "Ambrosiа Ambruosovitch," said Roman. "And what will happen when he has

consumed it all?"

аааа Vibegallo looked around angrily.

аааа "I requestа that everyone presentа here note this provocative question,

whichааа stinksааа ofааа Malthusianism,ааа neo-Malthusianism,ааа pragmatism,

existentialism, and a lack of faith, comrades, in the inexhaustible might of

mankind. What are youа tryingа to say with your question, comradeа OiraOira?

That in the future of our scientific organization there will come a timeа of

crisis,а ofа regression, when our consumersа willа not have enoughа consumer

products?а That's not nice, comrade Oira-Oira!а You didn't think it through!

But we cannot allow, comrades, that shadows should be cast, andа labels hung

on our work. And we will not permit that to happen, comrades."

аааа He took outа a handkerchiefа and wiped his beard.а G. Perspicaciov, his

face twisted in concentration, asked the next question.

аааа "I am not an expert, of course. But what is the future of this model? I

understandа thatа theа experimentа isа proceedingа successfully. Butа itа is

consuming most energetically."

аааа Vibegallo smiled a bitter little smile.

аааа "Thereа youа are, comrade Oira-Oira,"а he said.а "That's howа unhealthy

rumors are started. You askedа your question without adequate thought. Right

away a layman becomes incorrectly oriented. He does not consider the correct

ideal You areа notа looking atа theа right ideal,а comrade Perspicaciov." He

addressedа theа correspondentа directly. "Thisа modelа is already aа passing

stage.а Hereа is the idealа that youа should consider!"а He walked up to the

secondа autoclaveа and laidа his red-hairedа hand on its polished side.а His

beard assumedа an upwardа thrust "Here isа ourа ideal!" heа announced.а "Or,

expressing myself more precisely,а here is the model of our common ideal. We

haveаа hereаа theаа universalаа consumerаа whoаа desiresаа everythingаа and,

correspondingly, is capableа of everything. He has in him all the needs that

exist in our world. Andа he is capable of satisfyingа allа of them. With the

helpа ofа our science,а ofа course. Iа amа elucidating forа theа press.а The

universal consumer model, imprisoned in this autoclave--а or as we say, here

in theа auto-locker-- has unlimited desires. All ofа us, comrades, withа due

respect toа us, are simply ciphersа in comparison.а Becauseа it desires such

things as weа cannot even conceive of. Andа itа won't waitа for aа gift from

nature.а Itа willа takeа from nature allа thatа itа needs forа itsа complete

happiness, which is itsа satiation.а Magi-materialisticа forces will extract

for it all that it needs from the surroundingа environment. The happiness of

theа model will be indescribable. It will not know hunger,а norа thirst, nor

toothache,а norа personalа problems.а Allа itsа needsа willа beа immediately

satisfied upon their appearance."

аааа "Excuse me," said the polite Eddie. "And will its needs be material?"

аааа "Ofа course!"а criedа Vibegallo.а "Spiritualа needsаа willа developа in

parallel. Iа have already noted that the more materialа needs there are, the

more variegated will the spiritual needs become. That will be a giant of the

spirit and a super artist."

аааа Iа surveyed those present. Many were flabbergasted. Theа correspondents

wroteа desperatelyа fast.а Some,а asа Iа noticed,а constantly shiftedа their

attention from the autoclave to the zombi, who ate without interruption, and

backа again.а Stella, pressingа herа headа againstа my shoulder,а sobbed and

whispered, "I am going to leave, I can't stand it, I'm going..."

аааа ." I thoughtа that I, too,а was beginning to understandа what Oira-Oira

feared.а I visualized a huge openа mouth, into which, thrown by the force of

magic,а animals, people, cities, continents, planets, andа suns were falling

in an endless stream....

аааа B. Pupilov again addressed Vibegallo. "When will the universal model be

demonstrated?"

аааа "Theа answerа is,"а saidа Vibegallo, "that the demonstrationа will take

place hereа inа myа laboratory.а Asа toа time, theа pressа will beа notified

further."

аааа "Will that be in the next few days?"

аааа "Thereа is an opinionа thatа it will beа in the next fewа hours. So the

comrades of the press had best stay and wait."

аааа Atа thisа point,а theа doublesа ofа Feodorа Simeonovichа andа Cristobal

Ioseevich turned as though on command, and left.

аааа Oira-Oira said, "Don't youа feel,а Ambrosi Ambruosovitch, that carrying

outа suchа experimentsа inа aа buildingа andа in theа center ofа aа townа is

dangerous?"

аааа "There is nothing to fear," Vibegallo said weightily.а "Let our enemies

be afraid."

аааа "You remember, I told you that it is impossible-- "

аааа "Comradeа Oira-Oira,а you haveа notа doneа yourа homework.а Youа should

distinguish,а comrade,а possibilitiesа fromа realities,а happenstancesа from

necessities, theory from practice, and in general-- "

аааа "Still, wouldn't it be better done on the polygon?"

аааа "I am not testing aа bomb,"а Vibegallo said loftily.а "I am testing the

model of an ideal man. Are there any other questions?"

аааа Some brainа fromа the Absolute Knowledgeа Department startedа inquiring

intoа theа autoclaveа operationalа regime.а Vibegalloа launchedа gladly into

explanations. The dour lab techniciansа were collecting their technology for

the satisfactionа of spiritual needs.а The zombi continued eating. The black

suit was parting and splitting along the seams.

аааа Oira-Oira looked at it appraisingly. Suddenly he said loudly,а "Here is

a suggestion. All those not personally involved should leave the room."

аааа Everybody turned toward him.

аааа "Veryа soonа it'sа goingа toа getа veryа filthyа here,"а heа explained.

"Unbearably filthy."

аааа "That's a provocation," Vibegallo said with dignity.

аааа Roman grabbed me by the sleeve and started urging me toward the door. I

dragged Stella afterа me. The rest of the spectators streamed after us. They

trusted Roman in the Institute, butа not Vibegallo. Only the correspondents,

of those not associatedа with Vibegallo, remainedа behind,а while we crowded

into the hall.

аааа "What's the matter?" they asked Roman. "What will happen? Why filthy?"

аааа "He'll let go any minute now," he answered, not taking his eyes off the

door.

аааа "Who'll let go? Vibegallo?'

аааа "I feel sorryа forа the correspondents," said Eddie. "Iа say, Sasha, is

the shower turned on today?"

аааа Theа doorа ofа theа laboratoryа opened and twoа techniciansа cameа out,

dragging the tub and empty pails; the third, glancing behind himа fearfully,

was bustlingа about and muttering, "Let meа give you a hand, guys-- it's too

heavy for you....

аааа "Close the door," advised Roman.

аааа Theа bustling technician quickly closed the doorа and walked upа to us,

taking out a pack of cigarettes. His eyes were big and shifty.

аааа "It's going to happen now," heа said. "Perspicaciov is aа fool. Iа kept

winking at him!а How the zombi is eating! It'sа enough to driveа youа out of

your mind. ..

аааа "It is now twenty-five minutes past two-- " Roman began.

аааа Butа here a roar sounded. There was a crash of broken glass.а Theа door

groaned and flew off its hinges. A cameraа and someone's tie was carried out

in a flood through the crack. We all shied away. Steila squealed again.

аааа "Be calm," said Roman.а "It's all over. There isа one less destroyer on

earth."

аааа The technician,а as white as his coat, smoked, drawing on his cigarette

without a pause. Coughings, gurglings, and curses sounded in the laboratory.

A bad smell wafted out.

аааа Iа mumbled indecisively, "Shouldn't we take a look?"а No one responded.

Everyone looked at me with empathy. Stella was crying quietly and held me by

the jacket. Someone was explaining to somebody in a whisper, "He is on watch

today, get it? Somebody has to go help out...

аааа I tookа a few uncertainа steps towardа the door when, clutching at each

other, Vibegallo and the correspondents came staggering out.

аааа Good God, what a sight!

аааа Regaining my presenceа ofа mind, I drew outа the platinumа whistleа and

blew. The house brownieа sanitationа brigade was hurrying toward me, pushing

the colleagues aside.

 

Chapter 5

 

 

аааа Believe me, it was the most awful sight in the

ааа аworld.

 

аааааааааааааа F.Rabelais

 

 

аааа I was theа most surprised by the fact that Vibegalloа was not the least

discomfited by what had happened. Whileа the brownies were working him over,

dousing him with absorbents and plying him with deodorants,а he wasа orating

in a falsetto.

аааа "There you are,а comrades Oira-Oira andа Amperian,а withа your constant

fears. Implying this will happen and that, and how are we going to stop him.

... There аisа inа you,а comrades, thatа whichа I mightа callа anа unhealthy

skepticism.а Aа lackа ofа confidenceаа inа theа forcesа ofа natureа andа the

potentialities of man, I would say. And where are your doubts now? Exploded!

Exploded,а comrades,а in plainа view of the public, and spattered me and the

comrades of the press here."

аааа Theа press were at a lossа for words, docilely presenting themselves to

theа streamаа ofаа hissingаа absorbents.а G.аа Perspicaciovа wasаа trembling

uncontrollably,а while B. Pupilovа wasа shakingа hisа headа toа andа fro and

compulsively running his tongue over dry lips.

аааа Whenа theа browniesаа hadаа cleanedа upа theа laboratoryаа toа aа first

approximationаа ofа cleanliness,а Iа lookedа in.а Theа emergencyа squadа was

proceeding in a businesslikeа manner, replacing broken glass and burning the

remainsа of the model in a ventedа furnace. The remains,а however, were few.

Thereа was a pile of buttons labeledа For Gentlemen, the sleeve of a jacket,

an unbelievably stretched pair of suspenders and a lower jaw, reminiscent of

an archaeologicalа exhibit ofа Neanderthal man. The rest had apparently been

blown to dust.

аааа Vibegallo looked over the autoclave, which was also a self-locker,а and

announced that all was in order. "The press is invited to join me," he said.

"I suggest the rest return to their respective duties." The press drew forth

their notebooksа and all three sat down at theа tableа to polish the sketch,

"Theа Birthа ofа aа Discovery,"а andа theа informativeа remarks,а "Professor

Vibegallo Tells All."

аааа The onlookers left. Oira-Oira also departed, having taken the safe keys

from me. Stella, too, left inа desperation, asа Vibegallo refused to let her

go to another department.а The much-relievedа technicians also left. Soа did

Eddie, surrounded by a crowdа ofа theoreticians peripatetically figuring the

minimal pressure that must have been obtained in the stomach of the exploded

zombi. I, too,а departed for my post, having ascertained that the testing of

the second cadaver was not to take place before eight in the morning.

аааа The experiment left me in an oppressed mood, and, settlingа in the huge

reception-room armchair, I tried to decide whether Vibegallo was a fool or a

clever demagogue and back. The scientific value of allа of hisа cadavers was

obviouslyа equal to zero. Models basedа on the original could be produced by

any colleague who had successfully defended his thesis and had completed the

two-year specialized course in nonlinear transgression.а Endowing the models

withа magical properties wasа also trivial,а becauseа applicable references,

tables, and textbooks were available to all undergraduate magi.а Such models

did not prove anything inа theirа ownа right,а and were equivalentа toа card

tricksа andа sword-swallowing, from aа scientific viewpoint. These miserable

correspondents,а whoа clungа to him likeа flies toа manure, could beа easily

understood.а Because,а fromа a layа viewpoint,а allа thisа wasа tremendously

spectacular and evoked shivering awe and vagueа expectations of some sort of

tremendous possibilities. But it was harder to understand Vibegallo with his

pathologicalа passion for putting on circuslikeа shows and publicа blowouts,

panderingа to the curious, who were deprived of the opportunity (and desire)

toа fathomа the essence of the problem. Leaving out oneа or two absolutists,

returned from overlong trips, who loved to give interviewsа on the situation

in infinity, noа one in the Institute,а to put itа mildly, took advantage of

contactsа with the press: this was regarded as being in bad taste, andа with

good reason.

аааа The factа is that theа most fascinating and elegantа scientific results

quiteа oftenа haveа theа characteristic аofа appearingа preciousа andа dully

incomprehensibleа to the uninitiated. Today, people far removed from science

expect miracles from it,а andа only miracles, and are functionally incapable

ofа distinguishingа aа trueа miracleа fromа aа trickа orа someа intellectual

somersault. The science of thaumaturgy and spell-craft is no exception. Many

are capable of organizing a convention of famousа ghostsа in a TV studio, or

boring a hole in aа foot-and-a-halfа concrete wall with their look, and this

noа one needs, but itа can drive the vulnerable public into fits of ecstasy,

since it is incapable ofа visualizing to what extent science has intertwined

and intermixed theа concepts ofа reality with those of fairy tales.а But try

instead to find theа profound innerа relationshipа between the drilling look

and the philological properties of the word concrete. Try to solve the small

particularа problem,а knownа asа Auers'а Greatа Problem!а Itа was solvedа by

Oira-Oira,а who createdа the Theoryа of Fantastic Commonality,а and who laid

downа theа frameworkа forа an entirelyа newа fieldа ofа mathematicalа magic.

Nevertheless, almost noа one heardа of Oira-Oira, while everyoneа wasа fully

informed aboutа Professor Vibegallo.а ("Oh, youа workа atа SRITS? And how is

Professorа Vibegallo? What hasа he invented lately?")а This hadа comeа about

because only two or three .jaundred people on this entire globe were capable

of grasping Oira-Oira's ideas. Among them were several corresponding members

but,а alas,а notаа oneа correspondent.а Theа classicа workаа ofаа Vibegallo,

Fundamentals of Productionа Technologyа ofа Auto-attiringа Footwear,а on the

other hand, which was stuffed with demagogic prattling, made quite an impact

atа oneа time due to B.а Pupilov's efforts.а (Later, it becameа evident that

auto-attiring shoes cost more thanа a motorcycleа and were sensitive to dust

and humidity.)

аааа The time was late. I was quite tired and drifted off imperceptibly into

aа fitfulа sleep.а Allаа kindsа ofа unseemlyа trashа populatedа myа visions:

multileggedа gigantic mosquitoes bearded like Vibegallo,а talking pails with

sourа milk, the tub on stubby legs running up and down stairs. Occasionally,

some indiscreetа brownie would look in on my dream but, seeing such terrors,

would hastily depart inа fear.а Finally Iа woke up in pain andа saw a sullen

mosquito, with a beard,а standing next to meа trying to sink his stinger, as

big as a fountain pen, into my calf.

аааа "Shoo!" I yelled, and hit him on his bulging eye.

аааа It hummed disappointedly andа ranа offа a ways. Itа wasа reddish,а with

spots, and the size of a dog.

аааа Apparently I had pronounced the materialization formula in my sleep and

had thus brought this nasty creature outа of nonexistence.а Iа was unable to

drive it back into nothingness. So I armed myself with a volume of Equations

ofа Mathematical Magic, opened the window ventilator, and chased the critter

out into the frost. The blizzard caught it at once and it disappeared in the

swirling darkness. That's how unwholesome sensations originate, I thought.

аааа It was six o'clock in theа morning. I listened. Silence reignedа in the

Institute. Either they were all working diligently or had scattered to their

homes. I was due to make another tour, butа I was just not in the mood to go

anywhere,а and the only thing I was in the mood for was to have something to

eat, as my last meal had been eighteen hours ago.

аааа I decided to send a double in my place.

аааа In general I'm still a very uncertainа magus. Inexperienced. Hadа there

been anyoneа nearby, I would never have risked exposing my ignorance.а But I

was alone and decided toа take a chance and practice up at the same time.а I

foundа theа generalа formula inа Mathmagicа Equations,а substitutedа myа own

parameters, carried out all theа necessary manipulations, and pronounced all

the requisite expressions in ancient Chaldean. It is said that hard work and

patience overcome all obstacles. For the first time in my life, I managed to

make aа decent double.а Everything about him was inа the rightа place and he

even lookedа a little likeа me, exceptа that hisа left eye wouldn't open for

some reason, andа he had sixа fingers on each hand. I explained his taskа to

him, he nodded,а bowed and scraped, and went off, swaying slightly. We never

met again. Maybe heа strayed into S. Gorynitch's bunker or maybe he setа off

on an infinite voyage on the rim of the Wheel of Fortune. . . . I just don't

know. The fact is I quickly forgot about himа since I determined upon making

myself a breakfast.

аааа I am not a demanding person. All I needed wasа a plain sandwichа andа a

cup of black coffee. Possibly withа some so-called doctor'sа bologna for the

sandwich, I don't know how it came out thatа wayа forа me,а but atа firstа a

doctor'sа coat, thickly buttered, appearedа on theа table. Afterа theа first

shock of astonishmentа passed, I examined the coat attentively.а Theа butter

was creamyа and not of vegetableа origin.а So what I had toа doа nowа was to

eradicate the coat and begin anew. But in a revolting fit of self-assurance,

I picturedа myselfа as aа god-creator, andа proceededа alongа the methodа of

consecutive transformations. A bottle with aа black liquidа appeared next to

the coat, and the coat itself started to char around the edges. Hurriedly, I

madeа my imaging more precise,а with special emphasis on the images of a cup

and beef. The bottle turnedа into aа cup, the liquid remained unchanged, one

of the sleeves grew long, thin, and brown, and started to twitch. Perspiring

in dismay, I recognized that it was now a cow's tail. I got out of the chair

andа wentа intoа aа corner. The wholeа business didа notа go beyond the tail

formation, but the spectacle was frightening enough by itself. I triedа once

more and the tailа bloomed. Iа took myself well in hand, shutа my eyes,а and

started to visualize, withа the utmost detail, a slice of ordinary rye bread

asа itа gets cutа fromа aа loaf, and butteredа withа naturalа butter fromа a

cut-glassа butterа dish, and a roundа ofа bologna placed upon it. Forget the

doctor'sа bologna pan--а I'llа take anyа kind .а .а .а let itа beа the plain

half-smoked kind. As to coffee, let it wait. I opened my eyes cautiously.а A

large crystal lay on the coat, and something dark lurked inside it. I picked

upа the crystal, the coat following, asа it wasа inexplicably attached,а and

discerned the longed-forа sandwich inside. Iа groaned and attempted to split

the crystalа mentally. It became coveredа with aа fine network ofа cracks so

that the sandwich was almost lost to view.

аааа "Numbskull," saidа Iа to myself,а "you have eaten a thousand sandwiches

and youа can'tа evenа approximately,а accuratelyа visualizeа one. Don'tа get

excited, there is no one here, no one can see you. This is not a test, nor a

crucialа paper, nor an examination. Try again." I tried. It would haveа been

betterа ifа Iа hadn't. Myа imaginationа grewа wilder,а theа mostа unexpected

associations flared up in my mind, andа as I kept trying, the reception room

kept filling with strange objects. Manyа of them were born,а apparently, out

ofа the subconscious, theа brooding junglesа ofа hereditaryа memory,а out of

primevalа fears long suppressed by the higher levels ofа education. They had

extremities and kept moving about, they emitted disgusting sounds, they were

indecent,а they were aggressive andа foughtа constantly. I was casting about

likeа a trappedа animal.а All this vividly reminded me ofа the old cuts with

scenes of St. Anthony's temptations. Particularly vile was the oval dishа on

spider legs, covered with a straight,а sparse furа on theа edges. I couldn't

imagine what it wanted from me, but it would back off into a distant corner,

then charge, trying to buckle me at the knees. This went on until I squeezed

itа between wall and chair. I finally succeeded in destroying a partа of the

mess and the rest wandered off into corners and hid. The remainder consisted

ofа the dish, coatа with crystal, and theа mug with black liquid,а which had

grown to the sizeа ofа a pitcher. I picked it up in both hands andа smelled.

Seemingly it containedа blackа fountain-penа ink.а Theа oval dish behind the

chair keptа squirmingа and scrabblingа itsа legsа on theа coloredа linoleum,

hissing vilely. I felt most uncomfortable.

аааа I heard steps in theа hall, thenа voices;а the door flew open and Janus

Poluektovieh appearedа on theа threshold and as usual saidа his "So." I flew

into aа frenzyа ofа activity.а Janus аPoluektovichа wentа intoа hisа office,

eliminatingа negligentlyа asа heа walked, with oneа universal flickа ofа his

eyebrow,а myа entireаа chamberа ofа horrors.аа Heа wasа followedа byа Feodor

Simeonovich, Cristobal Junta withа a fat blackа cigar inа the corner ofа his

mouth, a surly Vibegallo, and a determined-looking Oira-Oira.а They were all

very preoccupied, very much in a hurry, and didn't pay me any attention.

аааа The door to the office remained open. I sat down in my old place with a

sigh of relief and thereupon discovered that aа largeа china cup of steaming

coffee and aа plate of sandwiches was waiting there for me. Some oneа of the

titans had looked after me, after all. I attacked my breakfast, listening to

the voices from the office.

аааа "Let's start with the fact"-- Cristobal Joseevichа was saying with cold

disdain-- "that your, pardon me, Maternity Ward is situatedа directlyа under

my laboratories. You have alreadyа arranged oneа explosion, asа aа result of

whichа I was obliged to wait ten minutesа while theyа replaced the blown-out

glass in my office. I understand fullа well that arguments of a more general

natureа will have no effect on you and, for thatа reason, restrict myself to

purely egotistical aspects. . .

аааа "It'sа myа business,а dearа friend, what Iа doа inа my place," answered

Vibegallo'sа falsetto.а "Iа don'tа interfereа onа yourа floor,а despiteа the

water-of-life, which flowsа there without interruption and which has wetа my

ceilings. Besides, bedbugs are encouraged by this. But I don'tа interfere in

your affairs, so don't interfere in mine!"

аааа "M-my dear friend," cooed Feodor Simeonovich.а "Ambrosiа Ambruosovitch!

You must take intoа account the possible complications. .а . . After all, no

one works theа dragon in the building, even thoughа there are fire-resistant

shields, and-- "

аааа "Iа don't have a dragon, I have aа felicitous man.а A colossusа ofа the

spirit! That's a peculiarа logicа youа are deploying,а comrade Kivrin,а with

strange and extraneous analogies! The model of an idealа man comparedа to an

unclassifiable fire-breathing dragon...

аааа "My dear one, the crux of the matter is not whether he is classifiable,

but that he can start a fire...

аааа "There youа go again! Theа ideal manа canа startа aа fire!а Really, you

haven't thought it through, comrade Feodor Simeonovichl"

аааа "I-- I am talking about the dragon.. .

аааа "And Iа am talking about your incorrect framework! You are smearingа it

all up, Feodor Simeonovich! You are confusing the issueа every wayа you can!

Of course we are erasing the contradictions . . . between the mental and the

physical . . . between the rural and the urbanа . . . between man and woman,

finally.а Butа weа willа notа allowа youа toа paste overа anа abyss,а Feodor

Simeonovich!"

аааа "Whatа abyss? What sort of deviltry isа this? R-Roman, s-say something!

Didn'tа you explainа toа himа inа myа presence?а I am t-telling you, Ambrosi

Ambruosovitch, that your experiment is d-dangerous, d-do you understand?"

аааа "I understand, all right. I'll not permit the ideal manа to hatch in an

open field, in the wind!"

аааа "Ambrosi Ambruosovitch,"а said Roman. "I could goа throughа my argument

once again. The experiment is dangerous because-- "

аааа "Andа I, Romanа Petrovich, have been looking at you for a long time and

no way can I understand how you can apply such terminology to the ideal man.

Behold! the ideal man is dangerous to him!"

аааа Here, Roman, apparently in youthful impatience, lost his temper.

аааа "Not an ideal man," he roared, "but your all-out consumer!"

аааа An ominous silence reigned.

аааа "Howа did you say?" Vibegallo inquired in aа terribleа voice. "Will you

repeat that! What did you call the ideal man?"

аааа СJ-Janus Poluektovich," said Feodor Simeonovich. "After all! That won't

do, my friend. . .

аааа "Won't do!" exclaimed Vibegallo.а "You are quite right, comrade Kivrin,

it won't do! We have here a scientific experiment ofа international caliber!

The colossus of the spirit must appear here within the Insfitute walls! This

is symbolic!а Comrade Oira-Oiraа withа his pragmaticа proclivitiesа takesа a

divisiveа approachа toа theа problem.а And comrade Junta,а also,а takesа the

narrow-minded view! You don't have to giveа me that look, comrade Junta: the

tsaristа gendarmerie did notа frighten me, and you don't frighten me either!

Is itа in our spirit,а comrades, toа fearа an experiment?а Ofа course,а it's

understandable thatа comrade Junta, asа a one-time soldier of the church and

foreigner, couldа wander inа hisа judgment, butа you, comrade Oira-Oira, and

you, Feodor Simeonovich, you are simple Russian people!"

аааа "L-leaveа offа theа d-demagogy!" Feodorа Simeonovich explodedа finally.

"H-how canа your c-conscience permit you to c-carry on withа suchа d-drivel?

W-what sort of s-simpleа man am I? And what kind of word is that-- 'simple'?

Our d-doubles are simple!"

аааа "I can say oneа thing,"а Junta saidа indifferently. "I am a simpleа old

Grand Inquisitor,а andа I will close off access to your autoclave until such

time as I receive a guarantee thatа the experiment will beа conducted on the

polygon.

аааа "N-noа closerа thanа f-fiveа kilometersа fromа the town," addedа Feodor

Simeonovich. "Or even ten."

ааа аObviouslyа Vibegallo was awfully reluctantа toа drag hisа apparatus and

himself toа the polygon,а where a blizzard blew and the light was inadequate

for a documentary film.

аааа "So," he said, "I understand. You wish toа fenceа our science offа from

the public.а Well then,а maybe instead ofа ten kilometers weа shouldа go ten

thousand,а Feodor Simeonovich! To someplaceа on the other side? Somewhere in

Alaska,а Cristobalа Joseevichа . .. orа wherever you areа from?а Then say so

directly. And, as for us, we'll take it all down-- on paper. ...

аааа Silence reigned onceа more andа Feodor Simeonovich, whoа hadа lostа the

power of speech, was breathing heavily.

аааа СThreeа hundred yearsа ago,"а Juntaа pronounced coldly, "Iа wouldа have

invited you out for such words; for a walk out of town, whereа Iа would have

rattled the dust off your ears and run you through."

аааа "Easy, easy there," said Vibegallo. "This is not Portugal forа you. You

can't stand criticism.а Three hundred yearsа ago we'd notа stand on ceremony

with you either, my fugitive prelate."

аааа I was contortedа with disgust. Why wasа Janus keeping quiet?а Howа much

couldа oneа take? Footsteps broke the silence and a pale Roman enteredа with

bared teeth. Snapping his fingers, аhe created a Vibegallo double.а Next, he

seized it with unholy joy by theа chest, shook it rapidly, grabbed it by the

beardа andа jerkedа it withа passionate mightа severalа times, calmedа down,

dissolved the double, and went back into the office.

аааа "Well now, it seems you should beа d-drummed out of here, V-Vibegallo,"

pronounced Feodor Simeonovichа in an unexpectedly calmа voice. "It turns out

you are quite an unsavory figure."

аааа "It's criticism,а criticism that you can't abide," responded Vibegallo,

puffing.

аааа And here, at last, Janus Poluektovich spokeа up. His voice was powerful

and even, like that of a Jack London captain.

аааа "Theа experiment, inа accordanceа with Ambrosi Ambruosovitch's request,

willа takeа place todayа atа ten-zero-zero. аIn view of theа factа thatа the

experimentа willа beа accompaniedа by considerableа destruction, which could

include human casualties, I designate the far sectorа of the polygon fifteen

kilometersа outside theа cityа limitsа as the site of the experiment. I take

thisа earlyа occasionа toа thankа Romanа Petrovich forа hisа initiativeа and

courage."

аааа Apparently everyone was disgesting thisа decision forа some time. Janus

Poluektovich hadа an undoubtedly strangeа manner of expressing his thoughts.

But everyone willingly accepted that his vision was the better.а Thereа were

precedents.

аааа "I'llа goа call for the truck," Roman said suddenly, and probablyа went

through a wall, as he didn't pass me by in the reception room.

аааа Feodorа Simeonovich andа Junta probably were noddingа agreement,а while

Vibegallo, regaining his composure,а cried out,а "A correctа decision, Janus

Poluektovich!а Youа haveа givenа usа aа timelyа reminderа ofа ourа forgotten

vigilance.а Farther, yes farther,а from extraneous eyes. Only thing is, I'll

needа someа stevedores. My autoclave is heavy; thatа is,а it is aа good five

tons.

аааа "Of course," said Janus. "Issue your orders."

аааа Chairs were being moved in the office and I quickly finished my coffee.

аааа During the next hour, in the company of those who still remained in the

Institute,а Iа hungа aboutа theа entranceа watchingа theа autoclave,а stereo

telescopes,а armored shields,а andа contingency suppliesа being loaded.а The

blizzard had blown itself out and the morning was clear and frosty.

аааа Roman drove up inа a half-track truck.а Alfred, the vampire,а herded in

theа hekatocheireа stevedores.а Cottus andа Gyesа came willingly, conversing

animatedly in a hundred voices, rolling up their sleeves on the go. Briareus

dragged behind, displaying his damaged finger, and complainingа that several

ofа his heads were dizzy, that it hurt, and that he didn't sleep last night.

Cottus took theа autoclave,а Gyes carried everything else. When Briareus saw

that there was nothing left for him, he began giving orders, directions, and

helping with advice. He ran ahead,а opened andа held doors,а keptа squatting

down, looking under the loads, yelling "Steady as she goes," or "Bear off to

the right. You're getting snagged!" In the end heа gotа his hand stepped on,

and his body squeezed betweenа the autoclave and a wall. Heа broke into sobs

and Alfred walked him back to the vivarmum.

аааа Quite aа few peopleа climbed aboard the truck. Vibegalloа gotа into the

cab. He was considerably put out and keptа asking everyone what time it was.

The truck startedа off, but came back inа five minutes, as it developed that

the correspondents had been forgotten.а While they were being sought, Cottus

and Gyes started pelting each other with snowballs to warmа up and broke two

windowpanes. Then Gyesа quarreled with an earlyа drunk who was yelling, "All

against one, right?" Heа was dragged back and stuffed into the van.а He kept

swiveling hisа eyes and cursingа inа ancient Greek. G.а Perspicaciovа and B.

Pupilov showed up, shivering and halfа awake, andа theа truck finallyа drove

off.

аааа The Institute emptiedа out. It wasа half-past eight. The whole town was

asleep. I was very eager to go to the polygon with everyone else, but аthere

was no way for me to leave, so I sighed and started on another round.

аааа Yawning, I went up andа down the halls, turning off lights until I came

toа Victorа Korneev'sа lab.а Victorа wasаа notаа interestedа inа Vibegallo's

experiments. He was wont to say Vibegallo and his ilk should beа mercilessly

handed over to Junta as experimental animals to determine whether they

аааа were reverse mutations. Consequently, Victorа didn'tа go anywhere,а but

sat on the translator-sofa, smoking a cigarette andа lazily conversingа with

Eddieа Ainperian.а Eddie reclinedа nearby,а suckingа onа aа hardа candyа and

pensively contemplating the ceiling.

аааа The perch was vigorously swimming about in the tub.

аааа "Happy New Year," I said.

аааа "Happy New Year," Eddie responded cheerily.

аааа "Let Sasha decide," offered Korneev. "Sasha,а isа there such a thing as

nonprotein life?"

аааа "I don't know," I said. "I haven't seen any. Why?"

аааа "What do you mean, you haven't seen any? You have never seen an M-field

either, but you compute its intensity."

аааа "Andа so?" I said.а Iа was watching the perch inа the tub. It was going

around and around,а leaning hard into the turns, so that you could seeа that

it had been gutted. "Victor," I went on, "did it work after all?"

аааа "Sasha is reluctant to talk about nonprotein life," said Eddie. "And he

is right"

аааа "It's possible to live withoutа protein," I said, "but how does he live

without innards?"

аааа "Butа hereа is comradeа Amperian, who saysа that thereа can be noа life

withoutа protein," said Victor,а forcing aа stream ofа tobacco smoke to turn

into aа miniature tornado that traveled about the room, curvingа aroundа the

furniture.

аааа "I say that life is protein," argued Eddie.

аааа "I don't sense the distinction," said Victor. "You say that if there is

no protein, there is no life."

аааа "Yes."

аааа "And what, then, is this?" asked Victor. He waved his hand feebly.

аааа On the table nextа to the tubа appeared a revolting creature resembling

both a hedgehogа andа a spider.а Eddie raisedа himselfа up and looked at the

table.

аааа "Ah,"а he said,а and layа down again. "That's not life. That's un-life.

Isn't Koschei the Undead nonprotein life?"

аааа "What moreа doа you want?" asked Korneev. "Does it move? It moves. Does

it eat? It eats. It can reproduce, too. Would you like it to reproduce right

now?"

аааа Eddieа raisedа up for the secondа time andа glancedа at theа table. The

hedgehog-spider was shuffling about clumsily.

аааа It seemed to be trying to move in all four directions simultaneously.

аааа "Un-lifeа isа not life,"а said Eddie. "Un-life existsа onlyа insofar as

there is intelligent life. You could even say more accurately-- only insofar

as there are magi. Un-life is a by-product of their activity."

аааа "All right," said Victor.

аааа The hedgehog-spiderа vanished. In its place appeared a miniature Victor

Korneev, anа exactа copy the size of an arm. He snapped his tiny fingers and

createdа a micro-doubleа of evenа smallerа size.а Thisа one did theа same. A

fountain-pen-sized doubleа materialized. Then oneа theа size ofа a matchbox.

Then a thimble.

аааа "Enough?" asked Victor.а "Each of them is a magus. Not one has a single

protein molecule."

аааа "An untoward example," Eddieа said withа regret.а "In the firstа place,

theyа doа not, in principle, differ fromа a programmed lathe.а In the second

place, theyа are not a productа of development but of your proteinа mastery.

It's hardly worth arguingа whetherа evolution could produce self-reproducing

programmed lathes."

аааа "Aа lot you know about evolution," Korneev said rudely. "Aа new Darwin!

What'sа the difference whetherа it's a chemicalа process or a conscious act?

Notаааа allаааа yourаааа ancestorsаааа wereаааа proteinаааа either.аааа Your

great-great-great-grandmotherа also, though quite complicated,а I admit, was

notа a proteinа molecule. It may be that our so-called conscious activity is

alsoа a varietyа ofа evolution. Howа do we knowа it was the aim of nature to

createа a comrade Amperian?а Maybeа the aim ofа nature wasа theа creation of

un-life at the hands of Amperian. It could be."

аааа "Indeed,а indeed.а Firstа anа anti-virus,а thenа protein, thenа comrade

Amperian, and then the whole planet is filled with un-life."

аааа "Exactly," said Victor.

аа аа"And all of us are dead out of sheer use..."

аааа "And why not?" said Victor.

аааа "I have anа acquaintance," said Eddie. "He asserts thatа man is just an

intermediary link that natureа requires forа the crown ofа itsа creation:а a

glass of cognac with a lemon slice."

аааа "And why, in the final analysis, not?"

аааа "Just because it doesn't suit me," said Eddie. "Nature has her aims and

I have mine."

аааа "Anthropocentric," Victor said in revulsion.

аааа "Yes," Amperian said haughtily.

аааа "I'll not debate with anthropocentrics."

аааа "In that case, let's tellа anecdotes," Eddie calmly offered and stuffed

another rock candy in his mouth.

аааа Victor's doubles continued their labors onа the table. The smallest was

nowа the heightа of an аant.а Whileа listening toа theа argument between the

anthropocentric and the cosmocentric, a thought entered my head.

аааа "I say,а chums,"а I came out with ersatz animation. "Why aren't youа at

the polygon?"

аааа "And why should we be?" asked Eddie.

ааа а"Well, it is still quite interesting. .

аааа "I never go to a circus," said Eddie. "Besides: ubi nil vales,а ibi nil

velis.*"

 

аааа "That's in reference to yourself?" asked Victor.

аааа "No. It' s in reference to Vibegallo."

аааа "Chums," I said. "I like aа circus veryа much. Isn't it all the same to

you where you are going to tell jokes?"

аааа "Meaning?" said Victor.

аааа "Stand watch for me, and I'll run off to the polygon."

аааа "It's cold," reminded Victor. "Frost, Vibegallo."

аааа "I have a great yen," I said. "It's all so mysterious."

аааа "Shall we let the child go?" asked Victor of Eddie.

аааа Eddie nodded.

аааа "Go,а Privalov," said Victor.а "It will cost you four hours of computer

time."

аааа "Two," I said quickly. I was expecting something like that.

аааа "Five," Victor said boorishly.

аааа "Then three," I said. "I am working for you all the time as it is."

аааа "Six," Victor said coolly.

аааа "Vitya," said Eddie, "fur will grow on your ears."

аааа "Red," I said, gloating. "Maybe even shot through with green."

аааа "All right, then," said Victor. "Go for free. Two hours will fix me."

 

а

____________

аааа * Where you are not competent, there yuu should not wish to be.

 

 

аааа Weа wentа toа theа entryа together.а Onа the way, the magi tookа upа an

incomprehensible debateа about something calledа cyclotation, and Iа hadа to

interrupt them to get transgressed to the polygon. They had already tired of

me, and being in aа rush toа getа ridа of me, they transgressed me with such

energy thatа I had no timeа to get prepared, and was flung backward into the

crowd of spectators.

аааа Everything wasа in readiness atа the polygon. The public hid behind the

armoredа shields.а Vibegallo, pokingа outа of the freshlyа dugа trench,а was

lookingа jauntily through theа big stereo periscope.а Feodor Simeonovich and

Cristobalа Junta, forty-powerа binocularsа inа hand, wereа exchangingа words

quietlyа inа Latin. Janus Poluektovich, inа a heavyа fur coat, stoodа to the

side, dabbling his walking stick in the snow. B. Pupilov sat on his haunches

by the trench with anа open notebook and pen at theа ready. G. Perspicaciov,

hung about with still and movie cameras, was rubbing his frozenа cheeksа and

stamping his feet behind him.

аааа The sky wasа clearа andа a full moonа was sinkingа in the west. Blurred

shaftsа ofа the northernа lightsа appearedа shimmeringа amid theа starsа and

disappearedа again.а The snow glistenedа on the plain, and the large rounded

cylinder of the autoclave was clearly visible some one hundred meters away.

аааа Vibegalloа toreа himselfа fromа theаа periscope,а coughed,аа andа said,

"Comrades! Com-m-r-ades! What are we observing in the periscope? Overwhelmed

withа complexа feelingsа andа faintа withа expectations,а comrades,а weа are

observingаа howаа theа protectiveа lockа isа beginningаа toа unscrewа itself

automatically.а .а . .а Write,а write,"а he said to B.а Pupilov.а "Andа most

accurately.а . . . That is,а unscrewing automatically. Inа aа few minutes we

will see the appearance among us of an ideal man-- chevalier, thatа is, sans

peur et sans reproche!"

аааа I could see withа my nakedа eye as the lock turned and fell soundlessly

in theа snow. A longа streamerа of steam shot outа of the autoclave, all the

way, it seemed, to the stars.

аааа "Iа am clarifying for the press-- "а Vibegallo started toа say,а when a

horrendous roar sounded.

аааа The earthа slid and tossed. Aа huge snow cloud soaredа upward. Everyone

fellа against eachа other and I, too, was thrownа and rolled. Theа roar kept

increasing, and when I stood up with an all-outа effort, grasping the treads

of the half-track, I saw, in horrified terror, that the horizon wasа curling

upа andа rollingа like a bowl's edge towardа us.а The armoredа shieldsа were

swayingа threateningly, and the people wereа running and falling and jumping

up again covered withа snow. Iа saw Feodor Simeonovich andа Cristobal Junta,

encased in the rainbow-huedа caps of their protective shields, backing under

theа pressа of the stormа andа raising theirа hands trying toа stretch their

defensesа over the rest of us. I saw,а too,а the gustsа tearing that defense

intoа shreds that were carried offа across theа plainа as so many hugeа soap

bubblesа bursting against the starry sky.а Iа saw Janus Poluektovich, collar

raised, standing with his backа to the wind, planted firmlyа on hisа walking

stick buried inа the bared earth,а lookingа at his watch. Over there, at the

site of the autoclave, a thick cloud of steam, red and lightedа from within,

twistedа inа aа tight vortex,а while the horizonа steeply curvedа higher and

higher till itа seemed we were atа the bottom of aа vastа pitcher. And then,

rightа nearа theа epicenterа ofа thisа cosmicа abomination,а Romanа suddenly

appeared, his green coat flyingа in shreds from his shoulders. Heа flung his

arm in a wide arc, threw something large and glinting like a bottle into the

howling steam, andа immediatelyа fell to the ground, coveringа his head with

his arms.

аааа Theа foul and enraged face of a jinn rose above the cloud, eyes rolling

inа fury. His mouthа gaping inа soundless laughter, he flapped his extensive

hairyа ears.а A burning stenchа permeated the blizzard andа then the ghostly

walls of a magnificent castle arose and slumped, oozing down, while the jinn

himself, turned into a long tongue of orange flame, vanished into the sky.

аааа There was quiet for severalа seconds. The horizon sank back down with a

heavyа rumble. I was thrownа high and regaining my senses, discovered that I

wasа sitting not farа from the truck, myа arms braced against the earth. The

snow was all blown away. The fieldа aroundа us was bare and black. Where the

autoclave hadа stood aа minuteа before now yawned a large crater. A wispа of

white smoke curled above it, and there was a smell of fire.

аааа The spectatorsа started climbing back upon their feet. Faces were dirty

and distorted. Many wereа speechless, coughed, spit, and moaned softly. They

set to cleaning themselves up a bit, whereupon it developed that quite a few

were disrobed down to underwear. There wasа grumbling, then cries of, "Where

are my trousers? Why am I without trousers? I was dressed in trousers!"

аааа "Comrades, has anyone seen my watch?"

аааа "And mine, also!"

аааа "Mine, too, has disappeared!"

аааа "Platinum tooth is gone! It was put in just this summer."

аааа "Oh, no! My ring is gone.. . and my bracelet."

аааа "Whereа isа Vibegallo?а What sort ofа disgraceа is this?а What's it all

mean?"

аааа "To hell withа all the watches and teeth! Are the people all right? How

many were there?"

аааа "What has actuallyа happened?а Some sort of explosionа the jinn ... and

where is the colossus of the spirit?"

аааа "Where is the consumer?"

аааа "Where is Vibegallo, damn it!"

аааа "Did you see that horizon? Do you know what that implies?"

аааа "The roll-up of space. I know about these tricks. .."

аааа "It's cold in my shirt sleeves; can someone let me have something..

аааа "W-where is that Vi-Vibegallo? W-where is th-thal moron?"

аааа The earth heaved and Vibegallo clawed his way out of the trench. He was

without his boots.

аааа "I elucidate for the press," he said huskily.

а аааButа he wasа notа allowed to elucidate. Magnus Feodorovichа Redkin, who

came especially to find out once and for all what true happiness was, ran up

toа him and,а shaking his clenched fists, yelled,а "Charlatan! You'll answer

for this! Sideshow! Where is my hat? Where is my furа coat? I willа put in a

complaint about you! I am asking you, where is my hat?"

аааа "Inа complete accord withа theа program,"а mumbled Vibegallo,а glancing

around. "Our dear colossus-- "

аааа Feodorа Simeonovichа advancedа onа him.а "You,а myа fineаа friend,а are

bu-burying your talents in the g-ground. They should be used to s-strengthen

the de-department of Defensive Magic. Your ideal in-men shouldа be d-dropped

or enemy bases. To throw fear into the ag-aggressors."

аааа Vibegalloа backed away, covering himself with the sleeveа of hisа coat.

Cristobalа Joseevich approached silently measuringа him with hisа eye, flung

his dirty gloves at his feet, and left.

аааа Gian Giacomo, hurriedly concocting the image of ar elegant suit,а cried

fromа afar,а "Thisа is trulyа phenomenalа signores.а I always felt a certain

antipathy toward him, bul I couldn't ever imagine anything like this. ..

аааа Here, finally,а G. Perspicaciov and B. Pupilovа figuredа outа theа real

situation. Until then,а smilingа uncertainly, they had hoped to beа at least

partiallyа enlightened. Nowа it dawnedа onа them that all hadа notа goneа in

complete conformity to plan.

аааа G. Perspicaciov, moving with firm steps, accosted Vibegallo, laying his

hand on his shoulder, and saying in an iron voice, "Comrade Professor, where

can I get my cameras back? Three still cameras, and one movie camera."'

аааа "Also, my wedding ring," added B. Pupilov.

аааа "Pardon," Vibegalloа saidа withа dignity.а "You'll beа calledа onа when

needed," he said in his affected French. "Wait for explanations."

аааа Theа correspondents were thrown for a loss. Vibegallo turned and walked

toward the crater. Roman already was standing over it.

аааа "What all isn't in there . . ." he said yet from afar.

аааа There was no consumer colossusа in the crater. Instead, everything else

wasа thereа and much more.а Thereа were still andа movieа cameras,а wallets,

overcoats,а rings, necklaces, аtrousers,а and a platinumа tooth.а There were

Vibegallo's felt boots, and Magnus Feodorovich'sа hat.а My platinumа whistle

forа callingа the emergency squad turnedа up too.а Further we discovered two

Moskvichа and three Volgaа cars,а an iron safe with the local savings-office

seals, a large pieceа of roasted meat two cases of vodka, a caseа of Zhiguli

beer and an iron bed with nickel-plated knobs.

аааа Havingаа pulledа onа hisа boots,а Vibegallo,а smilingа condescendingly,

announcedа thatа now the discussionа couldа get started.а "Let'sа haveа your

questions," he said. Butа discussions did not take place. The enraged Magnus

Feodorovich had calledа the police. Youngа Sergeant Kovalev dashed up in his

police car. Weа all had to be recordedа as witnesses.а Sergeant Kovalev went

around and around the crater, trying to discover traces ofа the criminal. He

found a huge lower jaw and examined it minutely. Theа correspondents, having

receivedа their instruments back,а saw everythingа inа a new light andа were

listening attentively to Vibegallo,а whoа againа poured forthа aа litanyа of

demagogy aboutа limitless and variegated needs. It wasа becomingа dull and I

was freezing.

аааа "Let's go home," said Roman.

а ааа"Let's," I said. "Where did you get the jinn?"

аааа "Drew it out of the stores yesterday. For entirely different purposes."

аааа "And what really happened? Did he overeat again?"

аааа "No, it's simply that Vibegallo is a moron," said Roman.

аааа "That's understood," I said. "But why the cataclysm?"

аааа "All from the same quarters," said Roman. "I told him a thousand times:

СYou are programming a standard superegocentrist. He will gather up allа the

materialа valuables he canа layа hisа hands on, then he'llа fold space, wrap

himselfа up inа a cocoon, and stop time. . .а .С But Vibegallo'а could never

graspа that the true colossus ofа the spirit does not consume so much asа he

thinks and feels.

аааа СThat's all trash,"а heа continuedа asа weа flewа up to theа Institute.

"That'sа allа tooа clear. Butа you tellа me.а Where didа Janus-Uа learn that

everything would turnа out justа so and not otherwise? He must have foreseen

everything, both theа vastа destructionа and that Iа would figure out how to

terminate the colossus in embryo."

аааа СThat's a fact," Iа said.а "He even expressed his gratitude to you.а In

advance."

аааа "Isn't thatа really strange?"а saidа Roman.а "All thisа needsа thorough

thinking through."

аааа And we did start to think through thoroughly. It tookа us aа long time.

Only by spring, and only by chance, were we able to decipher the mystery.

аааа But that's an altogether different story.

 

 

а* THE THIRD TALE. All Kinds of Fuss *

 

 

 

Chapter 1

 

 

аааа Whenа God createdа time,а say theа Irish--а heа created itа in adequate

amounts.

 

аааааааааааааа H. Boll

 

 

аааа Eighty-three percent ofа theа days in aа yearа begin the sameа way: the

alarm clock rings. This clamor intrudes into the finalа dreamsа sometimes as

the frenetic clatter of the paper perforator, sometimes as the angry rolling

ofа Feodorа Simeonovich'sа basso, or, again, asа the scrabblings of basilisk

claws frolicking in a thermostat.

аааа On that particularа day, I dreamed ofа Modest Matveevichа Kamnoedov. He

hadа become the directorа of theа computerа centerа and wasа teaching meа to

operate the Aldan.а "Modest Matveevich," I kept saying, "everything youа are

telling me is a sick delirium." And he thundered back,а "Youа will note that

down-n-n for me!а Everything you have here is j-u-n-k, bru-m-magem!" At last

I realizedа that itа was not Modest Matveevich I heard, but myа alarm clock,

Friendship, with elevenа jewels and a picture ofа anа elephant with upraised

trunk. Mumbling, "I hear you, I hear," I banged myа hand on the table in the

vicinity of the clock.

аааа Theа window wasа wide open to a brightа blue spring sky andа itsа sharp

coolness. Pigeons wereа strutting and pecking onа theа cornice. Threeа tired

flies were buzzing around the glassа shade of theа ceiling light, apparently

the firstа arrivals of thisа year.а From timeа to time,а they suddenlyа went

berserk andа flung themselves about from side toа side. Into myа sleepy head

cameа the brilliant thought that they were surely trying to escape from this

planeа ofа existence,а andа I feltа aа deepа compassion forа theirа hopeless

endeavors. Two of them satа on theа shadeа and the thirdа vanished, and that

woke me completely.

аааа Firstа thing, Iа threwа off the blanket and attempted to soarа over the

bed.а As usual, beforeа my setting-up exercises, shower, and breakfast, this

ledа onlyа toа the reactiveа component driving me forcefully downа intoа the

mattress, causing springs to twang and creakа in complaint below me. Next, I

remembered the previousа evening and felt very chagrined because allа dayа I

wouldа notа haveа any work to do.а Theа nightа before,а atа elevenа o'clock,

Cristobal Joseevich hadа comeа to Electronicsа and,а as usual, had connected

himself to the Aldan in order toа solveа the next problem inа the meaning of

life,а jointly with it. Inа five minutes, Aldanа was on fire.а I didn't know

what could burn in it, but it had gone out of commission forа good, and that

wasа why, insteadа of working, I, like those hairy-eared loafers, would have

toа wanderа aimlesslyа from departmentа toа department,а grousingа aboutа my

circumstances and telling jokes.

аааа I made a wry face, sat on the bed, and breathed in a chestful of prahna

mixedа with the cool morning air. For the required time Iа waitedа until the

prahnaа wasа assimilatedа andа thoughtаа happyа andаа radiantа thoughts,а as

recommended.а Next I breathedа outа the cold morning air andа started on the

complex of momingа gymnastics. They tell me thatа the old schoolа prescribed

yogaа exercises,аа butа theаа yoga-complexа andаа theаа now-almost-forgotten

maya-complex took upа fifteen to twenty hoursа a day, and the old school had

to giveа inа when the new president ofа theа U.S.S.R Academy of Sciences was

appointed to theа post. The young people of SRITS brokeа old traditions with

relish.а Atа the hundred andа fifteenthа leap, my roommate,а Victor Korneev,

fluttered into the room. As usualа in theа morning heа was brisk, energetic,

and even good-natured. He slapped meа on myа bare back with a wet towel, and

went flying around the room making breaststroke swimmingа motionsа withа his

arms andа legs. While so doing, heа recounted his dreamsа and simultaneously

interpreted them, according to Freud, Merlin, and the maidа Lenorman. I went

to wash; then we straightened the room and set off to the dining room.

аааа Inа theа diningа room, we took our favorite table, under theа large but

already faded banner Bravely, comradesl Snap your jaws!а G. Flaubert, opened

bottlesа of yogurt, and setа to eatingа while lendingа an earа to theа local

gossip and news.

аааа The previousа night, the traditionalа springа fly-in had taken place on

Bald Mountain. Participants hadа deported themselves mostа disgustingly. Viy

andа Homaа Brutus wentа arm inа arm,а cruisingа theа town streetsа at night,

accostingа passersby, foulmouthed and drunk,а andа thenа Viy steppedа on his

eyelidа andа wentа totallyа ape.а He and Homaа had aа fight, turnedа overа a

newspaper kiosk, and landedа inа theа police station, where theyа were given

fifteen days each for hooliganism.

аааа Basil the tomcatа hadа taken a spring vacation-- to getа married.а Soon

Solovetz would be gracedа by talking kittens withа ancestralarteriosclerotic

memory.

аааа Louisа Sedlovoi hadа invented someа kindа of time machine andа would be

reporting on it that day at the seminar.

аааа Vibegalloа againа appearedа at theа Institute. Heа wentа everywhere and

bragged that he had been illuminated with a titanic idea. The speech of many

apes,а youа see, resembles recordedа humanа speech playedа backward atа high

speed. So he recorded the conversations of baboonsа at the Sukhumiа preserve

and,а havingа heardа themа through,а playedа them in reverseа at lowа speed.

Something phenomenal had been produced, he declared, but what exactly he did

not say.

аааа In the computer center,а the Aldan hadа againа beenа burned, butа Sasha

Privalov wasа not atа fault; Juntaа wasа theа guilty one,а asа heа hadа been

interestedа lately inа only thoseа problemsа having been provedа to haveа no

solutions.

аааа The elderly sorcerer Peruhn Markovich Chimp-Oafus, from theа Department

of Atheism, had taken a leave of absence for his regular reincarnation.

аааа Inа the Departmentа ofа Perpetual Youth,а afterа aа longа andа extended

illness, the model of an immortal man had died.

аааа The Academy ofа Science had allotted its nth sum toа theа Institute for

the improvement of the grounds. Modest Matveevich was planning to use it for

anа ornateа cast-ironа fenceа to surround theа Institute,а withа allegorical

decorationsа and flowerpotsа on the pillars.а Theа backyardа wasа to haveа a

fountainа withа a forty-foot jet, between the substation and theа fuel dump.

Theа sport bureau had requested money for a tennis court, but Modest refused

this, declaringа that the fountainа was needed forа scientificа meditations,

while tennis was nothing but leg-kicking and arm-swinging.

аааа After breakfast, everybody scatteredа to their labs. I, too,а looked in

onа my place,а andа sorrowfullyа ambledа aroundа my Aldan withа itsа exposed

circuitry in which dour technicians from Engineering Maintenance were poking

their instruments. They were in noа mood to talk to meа and suggested sourly

that I goа somewhere else andа mind my own business. I shuffled off to visit

friends.

аааа Victor Korneev threw me out because I hampered his concentration. Roman

wasаа lecturingа toа undergrads.а Volodiaа Pochkinа wasа conversingа withа a

correspondent. Seeing me, he wasа delightedа and cried,а "A-ah, hereа he is.

Meetа our director of the Computer Center. He willа tellа you how-- "а But I

veryа cleverlyа pretendedа toа beа myа ownа double,а andа havingа thoroughly

frightened the correspondent,а ran off.а Atа Eddieа Amperian's I was offered

some fresh cucumbers, and a very animated discussion was in the making about

theа advantagesа ofаа aа gastronomicаа viewа ofа life,а butа suddenlyа their

distillation polyhedron blew and they forgot about me at once.

аааа In complete despairа I went out into theа hail and bumped into Janus-U,

who said, "So,"а and hesitating,а inquired whether we had aа talk yesterday.

"No," I said,а "regretfully weа didn't." He went onа and I heard him ask the

same standard question of Gian Giacomo.

аааа Finally Iа drifted overа to the absolutists,а arrivingа just before the

start of the seminar.а The colleagues, yawning and cautiously stroking their

ears, were seating themselves inа the small conference auditorium.а The head

of the department of All White, Black, and Gray Magics, magister-academician

Maurice Johann Lavrentii Poopkov-Lahggard, sat inа the chairman's post,а his

fingers calmly intertwined, and gazed benevolently at the bustling lecturer,

who, together with two badly executed hairy-eared doubles, was installing on

the expositionа stand someа sortа ofа contrivanceа with saddleа andа pedals,

resembling an exerciser for the overweight. I sat down in the corner, as far

as I could from the rest of the audience, and, taking outа pen and notebook,

assumed an interested mien.

аааа "Now then,"а emitted theа magister academician, "do you have everything

ready?"

аааа "Yes,а Mauriceа Johannovich,"а respondedа Sedlovoi.а "All set,а Maurice

Johannovich."

аааа "Then, we might begin? It seems I don't see Smoguli...

аааа "He'sа away onа a trip,а Johannа Lavrentievieh,"а someone said from the

auditorium.

аааа "Oh yes, I remember now. Exponential investigations? Aha, .... .. Well,

allа right. Today our Louisа Ivanoviehа will makeа a short reportа regarding

certain possible types of time machines. - . Am I correct, Louis Ivanovich?"

аааа "Ehа . . . as a matter ofа fact . . . as a matter of fact I would title

my report in such a way, that-- "

аааа "Ah, well then, that's fine. Please do title it."

аааа "Thank you. Eh . .а .а I would title it as СThe Feasibilityа of aа Time

Machine for Motion Through the Time Dimensions, Constructed Artificially.'"

аааа "Very interesting," voiced theа magister-academician. "However, Iа seem

to recollect that we already had a case when our associate-- "

аааа "Forgive me. I was about to start with that."

аааа "Oh, so that's it... then please do proceed, please."

аааа At first I listened quite attentively. I was even interested. It seemed

some of these fellows were occupied withа the mostа intriguing projects.а It

appearedа that someа of them, to thisа day,а wereа attackingа the problem of

movingа inа physicalа time,а thoughа admittedlyа withoutа success.а However,

someone,а whose name I forgot,а someone of the oldа ones,а theа famous,а had

proved that it was possible to achieve theа transfer of material bodies into

the idealа worlds, that is, worlds created by man's imagination. Apparently,

besidesа ourа customary world with Riemann's mensuration, theа principleа of

indeterminacy,а physical vaccuum, and the drunk Brutus,а thereа existа other

worlds,а possessing strongа characteristicsа of reality. Theseа worldsа were

formed by man's creativeа imagination, over our entire history. For example,

there exist the world of the cosmological structurings; the world created by

painters; and even theа half-abstract worldа impalpably constructed аbyа the

generations of composers.

аааа A few years ago, the pupil of that same famousа one assembled a machine

on which he setа out on a voyage into the world ofа cosmological constructs.

For some time,а unidirectional communication was maintained with him andа he

had time to transmit that he was on the edge of a flat earth, andа could see

below him the upreared trunk of one of theа Atlas-elephants, and that he was

about to start his descentа toward theа turtle.а Noа furtherа messagesа were

received from him.

аааа The lecturer, Louis Ivanovich Sedlovoi--а obviously not a bad scientist

and magister, though suffering badly from certainа paleolithic throwbacks in

his consciousness, and forced for this reason toа shave his ears regularly--

had constructed aа machineа forа travelingа in this subjective time. Inа his

words, thereа really existed a worldа inа which Annaа Karenina, Don Quixote,

Sherlock Holmes,а Grigoryа Melikhov, and even Captain Nemo, lived and acted.

Thisа world exhibited its ownа veryа curious propertiesа and laws,а andа the

people inhabiting itа hadа the brighter personalities and were the more real

andа individual,а asа aа functionа ofа theа talent,а theа passion,а andа the

truthfulness with which their authors described them in theirа corresponding

works.

аааа Allа this interested me greatly becauseа Sedlovoi, carried away byа his

subject, was lively and picturesque in his presentation. But then he brought

himselfа up short, thinking thatа it was allа rather unscientific,а and hung

various schematics and graphs all over the stage, andа started to expound in

dullа andаа extremelyа specializedа termsа onа conicalа decrementalа shafts,

polyvelocityа temporalа transmissions,а andа someаа typeа ofа space-piercing

steering.а I lost the thread ofа the discussion very quickly andа turnedа my

attention to the audience.

аааа The magister-academician slept majestically, occasionally and purely in

reflex raising his right eyebrow as though to signify a certain doubt in the

lecturer's words. A hotа game of functionalа naval warfare in transcendental

space was going on in the backа rows. Twoа lab-technician day studentsа were

copying down everythingа in sequence, hopeless despair and totalа submission

toаа fateаа congealedа onа theirа faces.аа Someoneаа lightedаа aаа cigarette

surreptitiously and wasа blowing smokeа between his knees and under a table.

Magisters andа baccalaureates inа the frontа rowа listenedа withа accustomed

attention,а preparing questionsа andа comments.а Some smiledа sarcastically,

othersа displayed expressions of puzzlement.а Sedlovoi'sа scientific adviser

nodded approvingly after each of the lecturer's sentences. Iа triedа looking

outа the window, but there was nothing thereа except the same oldа warehouse

and an occasional boy running by with his fishing rod.

аааа I came to, when the lecturer declared that theа introductory portion of

his presentationа was completedа and that he wouldа next like to demonstrate

the machine in action.

аааа "Interesting, interesting," said the awakened magisteracademician. "Now

then, will you take a ride yourself?"

аааа "You see," saidа Sedlovoi,а "Iа would like to remain here, to provide a

commentary on the progress of the journey. Perhaps one of those present?"

аааа Thoseа presentа exhibitedа aа retiring attitude.а Theyа allа mustа have

remembered the mysterious fate of the voyagerа to the edge of the world. One

of the magistersа offered to send a double. Sedlovoi replied that that would

notа beа of interestа becauseа doubles hadа aа lowа sensitivityа to external

excitation and would make poor transmittersа of information for this reason.

Whatа sort ofа external excitationsа could beа expected? they asked from the

rear row.а All the usual,а Sedlovoi replied: visual, acoustic,а odoriferous,

tactile.а Againа someoneа askedа fromа the rear row:а What typeа ofа tactile

sensationsа wouldа beа theа mostа prevalent?а Sedlovoiа spread hisа armsа in

disclaimer and said that it wouldа depend on the conduct ofа the traveler in

the placesа where he would find himself. "Aha . . ."а they said in theа rear

rowа and didn't askа anyа further questions. The lecturerа glancedа here and

there helplessly. In the auditorium everyone also looked here and there, but

always to the side. The magister-academician repeated good-humoredly, "Well?

How about it? My young ones! Well? Who?"

аааа So I stood upа and went to theа machine. I just can't stand an agonized

lecturer; it's a shameful, pitiful, and tortured spectacle.

аааа The back row yelled, "Sasha! Where are you going? Come to your senses!"

Sedlovoi's eyes glittered.

аааа "Permit me," I said.

аааа "Please, please, of course!" lisped Sedlovoi, seizing meа by аaа finger

and dragging me to the machine.

аааа "Justа one minute,"а Iа said,а pulling away decorously. "Willа itа take

long?"

аааа "Any way you like!" cried out Sedlovoi. "I'll do just as you tell me. .

. .а But you'll be steering yourself. It'sа all very simple." Heа seizedа me

again and again drew me toward the machine.а "Here's the wheel. Hereа is the

pedalа for couplingа into reality. This isа the brake.а Andа this is the gas

pedal. You drive a car,а don't you? Wonderful! Hereа is the push button. ...

Where do you want to go? The past or the future?"

аааа "The future," I said.

 

аааа "Ah,"а heа enunciated,а in disappointment,а itа seemed to me. "Into the

described future. . .. That means all those fantastic novels and utopias. Of

course, that's interesting, too. But take into consideration that the future

isа probably discrete;а there must be tremendousа gaps,а notа covered by any

authors.а However, it'sа allа the same. - . . OK, then, youа will press this

button twice. Once, nowа at the start,а and the second time when you wish to

return. Do you understand?"

аааа "I understand," I said. "And what if something should malfunction?"

аааа "Absolutely safe!"а He windmilled hisа arms. "The instant anything goes

wrong, evenа aа speckа ofа dustа on the contacts, аyouа will immediatelyа be

returned here."

аааа "Beа audacious, young man," continued the magister-academician. "You'll

be telling us everything that is going on in the future. Ha, ha, ha...

аааа I climbed ponderously into the saddle, trying not to look at anyone and

feeling exceedingly stupid.

аааа "Press it, press it!" the lecturer whispered passionately.

аааа I pressed the button. It was obviously something similarа to a starter.

The machine jerked, wheezed, and settled down to a regular vibration.

аааа "Theа shaft is bent," Sedlovoiа whispered inа disappointment, "but it's

all right, it's nothing . . . put it in gear. That's right. Now give it some

gas, more gas.

 

аааа I fedа it gas, at theа sameа time smoothly letting out theа clutch. The

worldа began to darken. The last I heard in the auditorium was, "And how are

we going to keep track of him..

аааа Everything vanished.

 

 

 

 

Chapter 2

 

 

аааа The onlyа diflerence between time and any of the three space dimensions

is that our consciousness moves along it

 

аааааааааааааа H. G. Wells

 

 

аааа At first the machine moved in jumps, and I was hard put to stay inа the

seat,а wrapping my legs around theа frame andа clutchingа the steering wheel

withа allа my strength. Out of the corner of my eye I could see fuzzily some

kindа of magnificentа ghostly structures,а muddyа green plains, andа aа cold

luminary in a gray fog somewhereа near theа zenith.а Then I figured out that

the jerking and jumping were the consequence of myа having taken my foot off

theа accelerator and (justа as in a car)а the power feed was insufficient so

that theа machineа moved unevenly,а bumpingа now and thenа into the winsа of

ancientа andа medieval utopias. I fed it more "gas," and the motion at once-

becameа smooth,а so that I could settleа myselfа more comfortablyа andа look

around.

аааа I was immersed inа aа ghostly world. Hugeа structuresа ofа multicolored

marble, embellishedа withа colonnades,а towered over small housesа ofа rural

aspect. All around wheat fields swayed in the complete calm. Herds of plump,

transparent cattle grazed on the grass and handsome gray-haired herdsmen sat

onа hillocks.а Everyone,а without exception, was readingа booksа and ancient

manuscripts.

а аааAfterа aа timeа two translucentа individualsа appeared nearby,а assumed

poses, andа began to converse. Both were barefooted, draped in chitons,а and

crowned with wreaths. Oneа heldа a spade in hisа left handа and aа parchment

scroll in his right The other leaned on a mattock, and absentmindedlyа toyed

with a vast copper inkwellа hung onа his belt.а They talked strictly in turn

andа to each other, as it first appeared to me. However, Iа quickly realized

thatа theyа wereа really addressingа me, although neither one ofа themа even

glanced in my direction. Iа listened hard. The one with the spadeа expounded

monotonously and at length onа the foundations of the political order of the

beautifulа countryа ofаа whichаа heа wasа aа citizen.а Theа arrangementа was

unimaginably democratic, there could be no possibilityа of any constraint on

theа citizensа (heа underlined thisа several timesа withа special emphasis),

everyone wasа rich andа free of care, andа even theа lowliestа farmer had at

least three slaves. When he stopped for breath, and to lickа hisа lips,а the

one withа theа inkwell would pick up his part.а Heа bragged that he had just

finished his threeа hoursа as a ferry man, hadn'tа taken a penny from anyone

because he did not know what money was, and was now on his way to enjoy rest

and recreation.

аааа They talkedа forа aа longа time--а forа several years,а judging byа the

odometer-- and suddenly disappeared, and all was empty again. The motionless

sun shone through the transparent buildings. Unexpectedly, some heavy flying

machinesа with membranousа pterodactylа wings swam slowlyа acrossа atа a low

height. For a momentа I thought theyа were on fire, but then I noticedа that

the smoke issued from large conical funnels. They flew overhead, ponderously

flappingа their wings.а Some ashes fell and someone dropped a knobby logа on

me. -а . . Subtle alterations began in theа magnificent buildings around me.

The numberа of columnsа did not diminish andа theа architectureа remained as

magnificent and unique as before, but new coloration appeared and the marble

seemed toа beа replacedа with some other, moreа modern material.а Instead of

blind busts andа statues,а glitteringа arrangementsа resembling antennas and

radio telescopes arose on the roofs. There were moreа people in the streets,

andа huge numbers of cars. The herdsа andа herdsmen vanished, butа the wheat

continuedа to wave,а thoughа as before thereа was no wind. I pressedа on the

brake and stopped.

аааа Looking about, I discovered that I stood with my machine on the surface

ofа a moving sidewalk. Theа peopleа swarmed around me,а and itа wasа aа most

variegated crowd. Mostly, however, theа people were rather unreal, much less

real than the powerful, complex, and almost silent mechanisms. Consequently,

when one of these machines collided with a person, there was no crash. I had

littleа interest in the machines, probably because on topа ofа each one sat,

inspired to semitransparency, its individual inventor, engaged in voluminous

exposition of the configuration

аааа and purposeа of his brainchild. No one listened toа anyone else andа no

one seemed to be addressing anyone, either.

аааа The pedestriansа were more fun toа watch. I sawа big febа lows in union

suits walking about arm-in-arm and belting out some unmelodious songs in bad

verse. Over and over strange people appeared dressed only partially: say, in

a greenа hat and red jacket and nothing else;а or in yellow shoes and a loud

tie (but no pants, shirt, or even underwear); or in elegant footwear on bare

feet. The othersа reactedа calmly to them,а butа Iа was embarrassedа until I

remembered thatа certain authors have the habit of writing something like ".

. . Theа doorа openedа and an erectа muscularа man in aа furryа cap and dark

glasses stood on the threshold."

аааа Fullyа clothed peopleа also appeared, thoughа in ratherа strangelyа cut

clothes, and here and there a sunburned bearded maleа would push through the

crowd,а dressed inа a spotless whiteа chlamys with aа horseа collarа or some

implementа in one hand and a palette or pencil box in the other. The chlamys

wearersа had aа lostа look, and they shied from the manyа machines andа kept

glancingа aboutа likeа hunted animals.а Disregardingа theа mumblingа ofа the

inventors, it was reasonably quiet. Most people were generally keeping their

mouths shut.

аааа Onа theаа corner,а twoа youthsаа wereаа strugglingа withа aа mechanical

contrivance. "The developer'sа thought cannot stand still. That'sа a lawа of

societal evolution. We will invent it. We will definitely invent it. Despite

bureaucratsа such as Ingrade orа conservatives such as Hardbrau."а The other

youth carried on with his ownа line. "I found out howа toа applyа nonwearing

tires here,а madeа of polystructural fibersа withа denatured amino-bonds and

incompleteа oxygenа groups. Butа Iа don'tа know asа yet howа toа employа the

regenerativeа subthermalа neutrons,а Mishaа Mishok!а Whatа toа doа withа the

reactor?" After aа closer look atа theа contrivance, I easilyа recognizedа a

bicycle.

аааа The sidewalk carriedа meа outа on a huge plaza, packed withа people and

liberally emplaced with spacecraft of the mostа varied designs. I walked off

the sidewalkа andа hauled theа time machine afterа me.а In theа beginningа I

couldn't comprehend what wasа transpiring. Music played, speeches were made,

here andа thereа rosy-cheeked,а curly-headedа youths--а barelyа managingа to

controlа theirа unrulyаа locks,а whichа cohstantlyа keptа fallingа onа their

foreheads-- wereа reading verses soulfully. The versesа were either familiar

orа plain bad, butа tears flowed abundantly from the eyes ofа the listeners.

The tears were hard to extract from the men, bitter from the women, and pure

from the children. Stern-looking men embraced each other, and, playing their

jawа muscles,а slapped eachа other on the back- inasmuchа asа manyа were not

dressed,а the slaps soundedа like hand-clapping. Two spare lieutenants, with

tired but kind eyes, dragged by me a dandy of a man, twisting his arm behind

him.а Theа manа thrashed aboutа andа yelled somethingа in brokenа English. I

thought he was exposing everybody and recounting how and for whose moneyа he

had put a bomb in the starship'sа power plant. Aа fewа youngsters, clutching

small volumes ofа Shakespeare andа glancing around stealthily, were sneaking

up to the exhaust portа of theа nearest astroplane. The crowd did not notice

them.

аааа Soon I understood that one half of the crowd was saying good-bye to the

other half. It was total mobilization. From the speeches and conversation it

becameа clear that the men wereа departing into the cosmos-- some toа Venus,

someа toа Mars, and some, with completely hopeless faces, were getting ready

to go toа otherа stars,а andа evenа to the galacticа center.а The women were

staying to await their return.а Many took their placeа inа a line to a vast,

uglyа building,а whichа someа calledа theа Pantheon,а andа theа others,а the

Refrigerator. I thought that I'd arrived at a good point in time. Had I been

even one hourа later,а thereа would be none butа the women left in the city,

frozen for a thousand years. Later my attention was attracted by a high gray

wall, fencing off the plaza toа the west. Billows of black smoke rose behind

it.

аааа "What is that over there?" I asked a beautiful woman ambling listlessly

to the Pantheon-Refrigerator.

аааа "It's the Iron Curtain," she replied without stopping.

аааа With each passingа minute Iа was becoming moreа and more tiredа ofа the

whole thing. Everyone was crying; the orators had grown hoarse. Next to me a

young man in a light blueа one-piece suit was saying good-bye to a girl in a

pink dress. The girl monotonouslyа intoned, "Iа would like to become a cloud

of stardust. As a cosmic mist Iа would embrace your ship. . . ."а Theа youth

harkened.а Thenа orchestralа music brokeа out overа the crowd, and my nerves

could not stand any more and I jumped onto the seat and fed the machine some

"gas." Iа still caughtа the sight andа the roar of the planetary ships,а the

starships,а theа ionа ships, theа astroplanes, the photonа flyers,а andа the

astromatsа leaping up over the city, and then everythingа but the grayа wall

wasа envelopedа inа aа luminescent fog.а After the year 2000, riftsа in time

started to appear.а I flew through times devoid of matter. Inа such spots it

was dark, and only occasionally explosions flared and fires cast a glow into

the sky behind the gray wall. Now and again the city crowded back around me,

andаа eachа time,а theа buildingsа wereа taller,аа itsа roundedа domesа more

transparent, its parked spaceships fewer inа number. Smoke rose fromа behind

the wall without interruption.

аааа Iа stopped for theа second time when the last astromat disappeared from

the plaza. The sidewalks were moving. There were no noisy stalwarts in union

suits. No one swore. Some colorlessа individuals diffidentlyа strolled about

the streets inа twos and threes, dressed either weirdly or poorly. As far as

I could tell, they were all talking science. Someone was about to be revived

andа the professor ofа medicine--а an athleticа intellectual,а lookingа most

uncommon in his lonely vest-- was explaining theа procedure to a giant ofа a

biophysicist, who was introduced to all comers as the author, initiator, and

mainа implementerа of this undertaking. Somewhere they were going to boreа a

hole right throughа theа earth. The project was being discussed right on the

streetа with aа considerable gathering of people, drawings beingа madeа with

chalk on the sidewalks and walls. I thought I might listen in, but it became

so boring, including sallies against an unknown conservative,а that I heaved

theа machineа on myа shoulders and moved away. I was not surprised thatа the

discussion of the project stopped at once and everyone got down to business.

But asа soonа asа I stopped, some citizen of indefinite professionа beganа a

discourse.а Forа no apparentа reason heа carriedа onа about music. Listeners

converged from all sides. They looked totally absorbed andа askedа questions

attestingа to aа hoary ignorance. Suddenly,а a manа ranа screaming downа the

street. He was being pursued by a spiderlike mechanism. Judging by the cries

of the pursued, it was an

аааа autoprogrammingа cyberneticа robotа with trigonic quoators with inverse

feedback,а whichа wereа malfunctioning,а andа .а . . oi-oi,а heа is going to

dismember me .

аааа Strange, no one as much as lifted an eyebrow. Obviously no one believed

in machine mutiny.

аааа Two more spiderlike mechanisms of smallerа sizeа suddenly jumped out of

an alley. Before I could begin to react, one of them quicklyа shined my shoe

andа theа otherа washed and pressed my handkerchief. A largeа white tankа on

treads drew up and, blinkingа with numerous lights, sprayed me with perfume.

I was about ready to move on when a thunderous crash sounded in the plaza as

anа enormousа rusty rocket fellа from theа sky.а At onceа the crowdа started

commenting.

аааа "It's the Star of Hope."

 

аааа - "Yes, that's it."

аааа "Ofа course it is. That'sа the oneа that left two hundredа and eighteen

yearsа ago,а andа hasа beenа allа but forgotten.а Butа due toа theа Einstein

time-contractionа brought on by sublight speeds,а the crew is only two years

older!"

аааа "Due to what? Oh,а Einstein. . . . Yes, yes, I recollect I covered that

in my second year at school."

аааа A one-eyed man, without his, right leg and left arm,а struggledа out of

the rocket.

аааа "Is this Earth?" he asked irritably.

аааа "Earth! Yes!" responded the crowd.

аааа Smiles began to bloom on their faces.

аааа "Thank God," said the man, and everyone exchanged glances.а Either they

did not understand him or pretended that they didn't understand.

аааа Theа amputeeа astronautа took up a pose andа launched into a speechа in

which heа called on allа humanity,а each and every man, toа go to the planet

Willy-Nily in theа Aeolian starа system, in theа Minorа Magellanic Cloud, in

order to free their brothers in reason, groaning under a bondage to a fierce

cybernetic dictator.а (He saidа thisа groaning withа emphasis.) The roarа of

exhausts drowned him out. Two more rockets, alsoа rusty,а were descending on

the plaza.а Frostedа womenа ran outа of theа Pantheon-Refrigerator. Aа crush

ensued. I knew I had landed inа theа epoch ofа returns and hurriedly pressed

the gas pedal.

аааа Theа city vanishedа and did not reappearа forа aа long time. Behind the

wall,а blindingа flashesа andа sky-lighting firesа continued with depressing

regularity.а Then,а finally,а theа worldа became brightlyа illuminated and I

stopped immediately.

аааа Aа blooming,а unpeopled landscapeа stretchedа around me.а Wheatа fields

waved. Fattedа herdsа grazed,а butа cultured herdsmen wereа not in evidence.

Familiarа transparentа cupolas, viaducts, and helical ramps glimmered on the

horizon.

аааа Quite nearby, to the west, the wall continued to tower over me.

аааа Someone touched me on the knee and Iа jumped. A small boy with deep-set

eyes stood alongside.

аааа "What is it, little boy?" I asked.

аааа "Apparatus busted?" he inquired in a melodious voice.

аааа "You should address your elders politely," I said tutorially.

аааа He was very astonished, then his face cleared.

аааа "Ah, yes,а I remember.а Ifа my memoryа doesа notа betray me,а thatа was

customaryа inа theаа Epochа ofа Compulsoryа Politeness.а Ifа toа tutoyerа is

disharmonious to your emotional rhythm, I am prepared to addressа you in any

manner you find in consonance with your inner equilibrium."

аааа I was at a loss to answer, so heа squatted by my machine and touched it

hereа andа there,а commentingа inа terminologyа withа whichа Iа wasа totally

unfamiliar.а A nice youngster, very clean, very well groomed, healthy, but a

bit too serious for his age in my opinion.

аааа "Listen, young one," said I. "What wall is that?"

аааа He turned his attentive, shy eyes on me.

аааа "It's called the Iron Curtain," he replied. "Unhappily, I am not versed

in the etymology ofа both these words, but I am informed that it divides two

worlds-- the World ofа Humanistа Imaginationа andа the Worldа of Fear of the

Future." He wasа quiet andа then added, "The etymology of the word Сfear' is

also unknown to me."

аааа "Curious," I said. "Would it beа possible to see? What is that World of

Fear?"

аааа "Ofа course it's possible. Hereа isа theа communicationа port. Youа may

quench your curiosity."

аааа The communication portа had the appearance of a low arch closed with an

armored door. Iа approached and grasped the bolt with someа trepidation. The

boy followed up on his comments.

аааа "I cannot refrain from warning you. If some misadventure shouldа befall

youа there,а youа will beа requiredа to present yourself beforeа theа United

Council of One Hundred and Forty Worlds."

аааа I pushed the door ajar. Crash! Bang!а W-o-o-w! A-y-i-i! Toot-toot-toot!

All of my five senses were instantly traumatized. I saw a good-looking blond

with an indecent tattoo between herа shoulder blades, all nakedness and long

legs, firing two automatics into an ugly brunette, who

аааа showeredа red drops with each shot. Iа heard the thunder ofа explosions

and theа soul-rending cries of monsters. I smelled theа indescribable stench

ofа rotting and burnedа nonproteinа flesh. The searing windа ofа a proximate

nuclear explosion burned my face and I felt on my tongue the repulsive taste

of pulverized protoplasm scattered through the atmosphere. Iа shied back and

shut the door in haste, almost slamming itа onа myа head. The air now seemed

sweetа andа theа worldа beautiful.а The boyа had disappeared. Iа wasа slowly

reconstituting myself and then became concerned that the pest might have run

to his United Council to complain. I ran to my machine.

аааа Once more, the dusk of dimensionless time closed over me. But I did not

take my eyes off the Iron Wall, as my curiosity was aroused. In order not to

lose time for nothing, I jumped a whole million years into the future in one

leap. Jungles ofа atomic mushrooms grew behind the wall and Iа was overjoyed

whenа light again glimmeredа onа my sideа ofа it.а Iа brakedа and groaned in

disappointment.

аааа The vast Pantheon-Refrigerator towered not farа away. A rusty spaceship

ofа sphericalа shape was descending from theа sky. Thereа was no one around;

wheat fields waved. The sphereа landedа and the erstwhile pilot in blue came

out.а The girl in pink appeared at the door of the Pantheon. She was covered

withа theа red spots ofа bedsores.а Theyа ran toward each otherа and clasped

hands. Iа turned away, feeling ill at ease. The blue pilot and the pink girl

started a dreary dialogue.

аааа I gotа offа the machine to flex my legs and only thenа noticed that the

skyа behindа theа wall was unprecedentedlyа clear. Thereа were noа roarsа of

explosionsа nor cracks ofа shots.а Emboldened, I went to theа communications

port.

аааа Aа perfectlyа flat fieldа extended on the other side of the wall, cleft

allа the way to the horizon with a deep ditch.а There was not a living thing

to the leftа and the entire area was coveredа withа lowа metallic domes, not

unlike bulging manhole covers.а Horsemenа were prancing about on the horizon

on the right side. Then I noticedа aа squat darkfaced manа inа armor sitting

withа his legs dangling over the edge of the ditch. Something resemblingа an

automatic rifle with a very thickа barrel was hung on his chest by a leather

strap. He was chewing slowly, spitting every minute, and regarded me without

anyа particular interest. Iа held the door open and lookedа at himа too, not

daring to speak.а His appearance was just too strange. Uncommon. Savage. Who

knew what sort of man he was?

аааа Having looked hisа fill, he reached underа his armorа and pulled outа a

flat flask, pulled the cork outа with his teeth, took a swig, spit intoа the

ditch again,а and said in a rusty voice inа English,а "Hello!а You from that

side?"

аааа "Da," I said. "I mean, yes."

аааа "And how is it going on out there?"

аааа "So-so," said I, shutting the door. "And how is it going on here?"

аааа "It's OK," he said phlegmatically, and was silent.

аааа Afterа a while I asked what heа was doing there. At first,а heа replied

reluctantly, but then gradually grewа more talkative. I learned that, to the

leftа ofа the ditch, humanity was living out its last days under the heel of

savage robots. The machines there had become moreа intelligent than men, had

seizedа powerа and were now basking in allа the delightsа ofа life, andа had

driven the menа underground toа workа on the conveyors. To theа right of the

ditch,а on theа territory guarded by him, the men were enslaved by wanderers

from a neighboring galaxy. They, too, had seized power,а installed aа feudal

order, and were making the fullestа use of theа right ofа firstа night. They

lived quite high,а these wanderers (would that everyoneа couldа do as well),

andа thisа andа that goody fell to those who served them well.а About twenty

milesа from here along the ditch, there was a region where men were enslaved

byа conquerorsа fromа Altair,а intelligent virusesа which invaded people and

forcedа themа to do what they willed. Even farther to the westа there wasа a

largeа colony of the Galactic Federation.а The men there were also enslaved,

but their lot wasn't all that bad becauseа His Highness the Viceroy fed them

well andа enlistedа them into the personal guard of His Majesty and Galactic

Emperorа E-Uа 3562-nd.а Thereа wereа alsoа regions enslavedа byа intelligent

parasites, intelligent аplants,а and intelligent minerals. Finally, over the

mountainа thereа were areas enslaved by still others, but all sorts of fairy

tales were told about them, which no serious man could accept. ...

аааа Here ourа conversationа was interrupted.а Severalа saucershapedа flying

machinesа flew low over the plain. Tumbling andа twisting, bombs fell out of

them. "It'sа startedа upа again," growled the man, andа he lay down with his

feet toward the explosions and opened fireа on the horsemen prancingа on the

horizon. I jumped out the gate, slammedа the door, and leaning on it with my

back,а listenedа forа someа timeа toа theа bombsа whisfling,а roaring,аа and

thundering.а Theа pilot inа blue and theа girlа inа pink on the steps of the

Pantheon still hadа not concluded their dialogue. Once more Iа looked behind

the doorа cautiously: over the plain,а fireballs slowly bloomed. The manhole

covers opened one after another, and pale, tattered men with beardedа savage

faces were pouring out, brandishing iron staves. The horsemenа had ridden up

toа my erstwhileа interlocutor, and were backing himа to ribbonsа withа long

swords,а while he hollered and tried to parry their blows with his automatic

rifle.

аааа I closed the door and carefully drew the bolt shut.

аааа Returningа toа my machine, Iа sat in theа saddle. I was temptedа to fly

another millionа years forward and view the dying earth describedа by Wells.

But here, for the first time, something got stuck in the machine; the clutch

did not seem to engage. I pressed it once, twice, then pushed the pedal with

all my strength;а something cracked, rang,а the waving wheat fields stood on

end,а and I had the feeling of coming out of a profound sleep. I was sitting

onа the viewing stand on the stage of the small auditorium ofа our Institute

and everyone was looking at me with awe.

аааа "What happened to the transmission?" I asked, looking aroundа in search

of the machine. There was no machine. I had come back alone.

аааа "That'sа not important!" cried out Sedlovoi. "Aа big Thanks to you! You

have really helped me out... . Now, that was interesting: isn't that a fact,

comrades?"

аааа Theа auditoriumаа buzzedа loudlyа toа theа effectа that,а yes,а itа was

interesting.

аааа "Butа Iа have read all of it somewhere," oneа of the magistersа inа the

first row said dubiously.

аааа "Andа howа else?а How else?"а criedа L.а Sedlovoi. "Was heа not inа the

described future?"

аааа "Not muchа adventure," saidа the players of theа Functional Sea Warfare

game in the rear row. "Conversations, endless conversations"

аааа "Well, I can't help that," Sedlovoi said forcefully.

аааа "Iа likeа that,"а Iа said, gettingа off the stand. "Just talk,а eh?"а I

recollected howа they had chopped my dark-visaged conversationalist and felt

ill.

аааа "No,а after all, some interestingа spots had occurred," said one of the

baccalaureates. "Thatа machine,а for instanceа . . .а do youа remember? With

trigonic quoaters that's really something. .."

аааа "Now, then," said Poopkov-Lahggard. "Itа seemsа we are already having a

discussion. But then, perhaps, someone has a question for the lecturer?"

аааа Theаа drearyа baccalaureateаа atа onceа askedа aboutа theа polyvelocity

transmissionа (youа see,а he аwas interestedа inа the coefficient ofа volume

expansion) and I quietly withdrew.

аааа I wasа experiencingа a novel sensation. Everythingа around me seemed so

real, solid, andа material. People were passingа by, andа I could hear their

shoesа squeaking and feel the breeze from their motion.а They were allа very

laconic, theyа were all working, thinking, and no one was prattling, reading

poetry,а orа pouringа forthа bombasticа speeches.а Everyoneа knewа thatа the

laboratory was one thing and the stage of theа union meeting, another, while

a holiday meeting wasа something else again. So much so, that when Vibegallo

passed me, slithering his leather-soled felt boots, I was almost sympathetic

toward him,а just because heа had the usual bitsа of cereal in his beard and

was pickingа his teeth withа a long fine nail and didn't even sayа hello. He

was a live, visible, and ponderable boor; he didn't wave his arms, or strike

academic poses.

аааа I looked in at Roman'sа because I wanted badly to tell someone about my

adventures. Roman, chin in hand, was standing over a lab table, staring at a

small greenа parrot lying inа aа petri dish. Itа was quite defunct itsа eyes

covered with a dead whitish film.

аааа "What is the matter with him?" I asked.

аааа "I don't know," said Roman. "Just croaked, as you can see.,'

аааа "Where did you get it?"

 

аааа СI don't understand it myself," said Roman.

аааа "Perhaps it's artificial," I offered.

аааа "Not at all; it's a parrot-type parrot, all right"

аааа "Probably Victor sat on the umclidet again."

аааа We bent over the bird and examined it attentively. It had a ring on its

black stiff claw.

аааа "Photon,"аа readа Roman.а "Andаа someаа numbers...а nineteen,а oh-five,

seventy-three."

аааа "So," said a familiar voice behind us.

аааа We turned and stood respectfully.

аааа "Good day," saidа Janus-U,а walking up to the table. He had come out of

his laboratory door in the back of the room, and he somehow projected a very

tired and very sad look.

аааа "Good day, Janus Poluektovich," we said in a chorus of utmost respect.

аааа Janus saw the parrot and againа said, "So."а He took the small birdа in

his hands, veryа gently and tenderly, stroked its bright red crest, and said

softly, "What happened, little Photon?"

аааа He wanted to say something more, but glanced at us and remained silent.

We stood together and watched him, walking with an old man's gait, slowly go

toа the farа corner of the room, openа the door of the electric furnace, and

drop the little green corpse in.

аааа "Roman Petrovich," he said. "Be so kind, throw the switch, please."

аааа Roman obeyed.а Heа had that look of havingа been struckа with a far-out

idea. Janus-U, head bowed, stood a while by the furnace, scraped out the hot

ashes carefully,а and opening the window ventilator, threw them out into the

wind. He lookedа out the window forа some time,а then told Roman that he was

expecting him in his office in half an hour, and left.

аааа "Strange," said Roman, following him with his eyes.

аааа "What is strange?" I asked.

аааа "The whole thing is strange," said Roman.

аааа Itа seemed strange to me too, bothа the appearance of the green parrot,

apparently so well known to Janus Poluektovich, and the altogetherа unlikely

ceremony of the fiery funeral withа the scattering of ashes on the wind, but

I couldn't waitа toа tell aboutа myа journey intoа the imagined future, so I

began my tale.

аааа Roman listened inattentively, looked at me in a resigned way, nodded in

theа wrong'places, and then suddenlyа said, "Go on,а go on, I am listening,"

crawled underа the table, came out with the wastebasket, and startedа to paw

through the crumpled paper and piecesа of magnetic tape. Whenа I finished my

storyа he asked,а "Didn'tа thisа Sedlovoiа tryа traveling inа theа described

present? In my opinion that would have been much more amusing...

аааа While I wasа thinking about this suggestion and appreciating the acuity

of Roman's wits, he turned theа basket overа andа poured its contents on the

floor.

аааа "What's the matter?" I asked. "Lost your dissertation?"

аааа "You know, Sasha," he said, looking at me with unseeing eyes,а "it'sа a

curiousа thing. Yesterday I was cleaning out the furnace and found a charred

green feather in it. I threw it into the basket, but it's not here today."

аааа "What feather?" I asked.

аааа "You knowа very well that green bird feathers occur quite rarely in our

latitudes. And the parrot we just burned was green."

аааа "What sortа of nonsense isа that?" I said. "Didn't you find the feather

yesterday?"

аааа "That's the point," said Roman, putting the litter back in the basket.

 

 

Chapter 3

 

 

аааа Verse is unnatural, no one speaks in verse.

аааа Never descend to poetry, my boy.

 

аааааааааааааа C.Dickens

 

 

аааа They kept on repairing the Aldanа all night. When I went to Electronics

next morning,а the sleepy andа annoyed engineers were sitting onа theа floor

berating Cristobal Joseevich in uninspired invective. They were callingа him

a Scythian, barbarian,а and Hun,а who had gained access toа computers. Their

despair was so complete that for a while they actually listened to my advice

and attempted to follow it.а Butа thenа the chiefа arrived, a certain Savaof

Baalovich Uni,а and I was immediately displaced from the machine. Moving out

ofа the way,а I sat downа at myа deskа and observed how Savaof Baalovich was

divining the essence of the damage.

аааа Heа was very old,а but strong andа sinewy, sunburned with a shinyа bald

head and closely shaved cheeks,а dressed inа a blinding whiteа tussahа suit.

This manа was regarded withа greatа reverence by everyone. Iа saw for myself

once how he was reading Modest Matveevich a lecture in a soft voice, and the

menacingа Modestа Matveevichа wasа bowing andа repeating, "Iа understand. My

fault. Itа won't happen again.а . .а ." A kind of monstrous energyа emanated

fromа Savaof Baalovich.а It wasа noted thatа in his presenceа watches gained

time,а and the tracks of elementary particles,а curvedа by a magnetic field,

wouldа straighten out. All the same, he was notа aа magus. At least,а notа a

practicing magus. He didn't go through walls, never transgressed anyone, and

neverа created his own doubles, thoughа he worked an inordinateа lot. He was

the head of the Technical Maintenance Department, knew all the technology in

the Institute to the finest detail, and wasа a consultant toа the Kitezhgrad

magitechnic plant.а In addition, heа wasа involvedа inа theа most unexpected

matters far removed from his profession.

аааа I learned about his past onlyа recently.а In olden times, S.B.а Uni was

the leading magus on Earth. Cristobal Junta and Gianа Giacomo were pupils of

his students.а Evil wasа exorcised withа his name. Jinn bottles wereа sealed

withа his name. King Solomon wrote him lettersа of passionate admiration and

erectedа temples inа his honor.а Heа seemed toа beа all-powerful. Andа then,

sometime in the middle of the sixteenth century, he did become all-powerful.

Having achieved a numerical solution of the integro-differential Equation of

Perfection,а which was postulatedа byа someа titan beforeа theа Ice Age,а he

acquired the ability toа perform any miracle. Each of the magiа had hisа own

limits. Some wereа unableа to rid themselves ofа theа growthа on their ears.

Others were inа possession of the generalizedа Lomonosov-Lavoisier law,а but

were powerless before theа second law ofа thermodynamics. Still others-- and

they were very few-- could stop time, but only in Riemann space and only for

a short period. Savaof Baalovich was omnipotent He could do anything. And he

couldа doа nothing.а Becauseа theа limitingа boundaryа ofа theа Equationа of

Perfection proved to be the condition that the miracle must not harm anyone.

Not one intelligent being.а On Earthа or anywhereа in any other partа of the

universe.а Butа noа oneа couldа envisageа suchа a miracle, notа evenа Savaof

Baalovichа himself. And so, S.B. Uni renounced forever the practice of magic

and became the Head of the Department of Technical Maintenance at SRITS....

аааа With his arrival, the affairs of the engineers quickly got on the mend.

Their movements became purposefulа and their nasty comments withered away. I

got out the folder with my current assignments and wasа about to go to work,

whenа Stellotchka,а thatаа veryаа sweet,а gray-eyed,аа andаа retrousse-nosed

undergraduate witch in Vibegallo's lab, came in andа invitedа me to join her

in the composition of the Institute gazette.

аааа Stella andа Iа wereа onа the editorial staff,а and weа wroteа satirical

verses, fables, and captions for the illustrations. In addition to all this,

Iа also drew clever picturesа of a mailboxа for notices, with winged letters

convergingа on it from all sides.а Inа general, theа gazetteа artist wasа my

namesake, Alexander Ivanovich Drozd, cinephotographer, whoа had successfully

infiltratedа the Institute. He wasа also ourа specialistа on headlines.а The

editor-in-chief was Roman Oira-Oira, and Volodia Pochkin was his assistant.

аааа "Sasha," saidа Stellotchka, gazing at me outа ofа her honest gray eyes.

"Let's go."

аааа "Where to?" I said. I knew where.

аааа "Make up the issue."

аааа "Why?"

аааа "Romanа isа askingа forа it,а veryа insistently,а becauseа Cerberusа is

complaining.а Heа saysа there areа onlyа twoа daysа left and there's nothing

ready."

аааа Cerberus Curovich Demin, comrade Personnel Director, was the curator of

our paper and its chief expeditor and censor.

аааа "Listen," I said. "Let's do it tomorrow, OK?"

аааа "I can't, tomorrow," said Stellotchka. "Tomorrow I'm flying to Sukhumi,

to tape baboons. Vibegalloа says that we should makeа records of the leader,

as theа mostа responsible of the baboons. . . . He himselfа isа afraid to go

near the leader because he is jealous of him. What do you say,а Sasha? Let's

go."

аааа Iа sighed, putа away my worksheets, and followedа Stellotchka, sinceа I

couldn't compose verse alone. I needed Stellotchka. She always suggested the

first lineа and theа basic idea and, in my view, that was the main thingа in

poetry.

аааа "Where are we going toа work?" I askedа on theа way. "Over at the local

committee room?"

аааа "That's taken, for putting Alfred on the carpet. On account of his tea.

As for us, Roman has made room in his lab."

аааа "So what do we write about this time? About the steam-baths again?"

аааа "About the steambaths, too. About that, about Bald Mountain, and, also,

we have to roast Homa Brutus."

аааа "Homa Brutus-- how badly you treat us."

 

аааа "Et tu, Brutus," said Stella.

аааа "That's a thought," I said. "I'll have to work on that."

аааа Onа the table in Roman's laboratoryа the paperа was laidа out-- a huge,

virginally clean sheet of draftingа paper. Recliningа nextа to it, among the

gouacheаа containers,аа atomizers,аа andаа notes,аа wasаа ourаа artistаа and

cinephotographerа Alexander Drozd,а aа cigarette hangingа fromа his lip.а As

usual, his cuteа shirt wasа open,а displaying aа hairyа potbelly through the

crack.

аааа "Greetings," he said.

аааа "Hello," I said.

аааа There was loud music-- Sanya was exercising his portable receiver.

аааа "What have youа here?" I said, collecting the notes. There wasn't much.

There was the leadа article,а "The Coming Holiday." There was theа item from

Cerberusаа Curovich,а "Resultsа ofа theа Investigationаа ofа theа Statusа of

Conformance toа Management Directivesа Regardingа Workа Disciplineа forа the

Period from the End of theа First to the Start of the Second Quarter." There

was a Professorа Vibegallo article, "Our Duty--а Isа the Duty toа Subsidiary

Ruralа andа Cityа Economics."а Thereа wasа anа articleа by Volodiaа Pochkin,

"All-Union Conference on Electronic. Thaumaturgy." Thereа wasа the note from

some houseа ghost, "When Willа theа Steam Pipes in the Fourth Floor Be Blown

Clear?"а Thereа wasа theа articleа of theа Chairman ofа the Messа Committee,

"Neither Fish Nor Fowl"--а sixа typewritten pages with aа singleа break.а It

began with the words, "Phosphorus is as necessary toа man as air." There was

aа shortа pieceа byа Romanа onа theа workа ofа theа Unapproachableа Problems

Department. Forа the section titled "Our Veterans," there was an articleа by

Cristobal Junta, "From Seville to Granada in 1547." There were several other

smallа contributions in which were criticized: theа absenceа of anа adequate

orderlinessа inа theа accountа ofа the creditа union; theа presenceа of some

slovenlinessа inа theа organization ofа the volunteerа fireа department; the

permissiveа attitute towardа gamblingа inа the vivarium. Thereа were several

caricatures. One showed a draggle-tailed Homaа Brutus withа aа purpleа nose.

Another wasа ridiculingа theа steam-baths--а itа showed aа blue,а nakedа man

congealing under an icicle shower.

аааа "What a bore!" I said. "What do you say we don't need verses?"

аааа "Weа doа need them," saidа Stellotchka withа a sigh. "I've beenа making

layouts this way and that, and there's always some empty space."

аааа "Letа Sanyaа draw something.а Someа sortа ofа wheat sheaf, orа blooming

pansies. How about it, Sanya?"

аааа "Go on and get to work," said Drozd. "I have to draw the banner."

аааа "Big deal," I said. "Three whole words!"

аааа "Against a background of a starry night," Drozd said weightily. "Also a

rocket. Andа headlinesа for the articles, too. And I haven't hadа myа dinner

yet. Or breakfast."

аааа "Then go eat," I said, irritated.

аааа "I bought a tape recorder. At the commission shop. Here you are fooling

around whenа you'd do better to make me aа sandwich or two. Withа butter and

jam. A dozen would be good!"

аааа I took out a ruble and showed it to him from a distance.

аааа "When you finish the banner I'll give it to you."

аааа "For keeps?" said Sanya, animated.

аааа "No, for a loan."

аааа "Well, that's the same thing," heа said. "Consider the possibility that

I'mа goingа to die right now. I've alreadyа started to have spasms. Alsoа my

extremities are growing cold."

аааа "That's aа packа of lies,"а said Stella.а "Let's sit down over atа that

table, Sasha, and finish those verses right now."

аааа We sat down at the separate table and spread out the caricatures before

us. For someа timeа we sat and lookedа at eachа otherа inа the hopeа that an

inspiration would come forth.

аааа "That Brutus is a brute-- beware, he'll swipe your shoes to boot."

аааа "Swipe?" I said. "Did he steal something?"

аааа "No," said Stella. "He had a fight and was a hooligan. I just said that

for the rhyme."

аааа We waited.а Nothingа more cameа into ourа heads.а "Let'sа approach this

logically. There is this Homaа Brutus.а He drank himselfа stupid. He fought.

What else did he do?"

аааа "He pestered the girls," said Stella. "Broke some glass."

аааа "All right," I said. "What else?"

аааа "He expressed himself"

аааа "That's strange,"а Sanya Drozd pipedа up. "Iа worked inа the projection

booth with this Brutus. He was a regular guy. Normal"

аааа "And?" I said.

аааа "And, that's all."

аааа "Can you come up with a rhyme for Brutus or maybe Brute?"

аааа "Knout."

аааа "Sounds like we had that with the boot."

аааа "A knout is different. They whip you with one of those."

аааа Stella said, with expression,

 

аааа

 

аааа "Comrade, before you is a Brute.

аааа Pick up your trusty knout

аааа And whack him head to foot."

аааа "Noа good,"а saidаа Drozd.а "Thatа wouldа beа propagandaа forа physical

punishment."

аааа "Kaput," I said.

аааа "Behold, my friend, there is that Brute," said Stella,

аааа "His words so rough and tough

аааа That it's enough

аааа To make the flies kaput."

аааа "It's your poetry that'll do the flies in," said Drozd.

аааа "Have you lettered the banner?" I asked.

аааа "No," Drozd said coquettishly.

аааа "Then work on it."

аааа "They shame our proud Institute," said Stella, "suchа drunkardsа as our

Brutus Brute."

аааа "That's good," I said. "We'll use thatа forа the finale. Write it down.

It will be a moral of freshness and originality."

аааа "What's original about that?" said the simple Drozd.

аааа I didn't bother responding to him.

аааа "Nowа weа haveа to describe," Iа said, "how he engaged inа hooliganism.

Let's say . . . СThe disgraceful buffoon!.

аааа Drunk like a baboon!. . . With language vile did ears

аааа defile!... Was born a man, became a holligan.'"

аааа "Awful," Stella said in disgust.

аааа I proppedа upа myа headа on my handsа andа continuedа toа stare atа the

caricature. Drozd, his tail stuck up in the air, was stroking the paper with

his paintbrush. His legs, encased in maximally tightа jeans, wereа bowed out

in a reverse curve. I was struck with an idea.

аааа "Knees to the rear!" I said. "The popular song."

аааа "СThe little grasshopper sat, knees to the rear,'" said Stella.

аааа "Precisely," said Drozd, without turning around. "I know it, too. "СAll

the guests were scattering, knees to the rear,' " he sang.

аааа "Wait, wail," I said. I felt inspired. " СHe fights and curses and here

is the result:!. . . To the prison cell, knees to the rear.'"

аааа "That's not bad," said Stella.

аааа "You follow?" I said. "Another pair of verses and allа with the refrain

Сkneesа toа theа rear.'а СDrunk beyondа allа reason .а .а .а theа girls he's

a-teasing. . . .С Something along these lines."

аааа "СHe drank in desperation! . . . Without any ration,'" said Stella. "СA

stranger'sа doorа he crashes! . . . Andа nothing him abashes! . . . Ignoring

law and fear! . . . knees to the rear. С

аааа "Brilliant," I said. "Write it down! He did break in?"

аааа "Indeed, indeed."

аааа "Excellent!" I said. "Now another verse."

аааа "СHe chased a girl! . . . Knees to the rear.' We need the first line."

аааа "Ambition, ammunition," I said. "Police, just-ice."

аааа "СAnd heа has this charming way! . . .С" saidа Stella, "СNot to wash or

shave each day.'"

аааа "That's him," added Drozd. "It's a fact. You have achieved anа artistic

truth. He hasn't shaved or bathed since the day he was born."

аааа "Maybeа weа canа thinkаа upа anotherа lineа orа two,"а offeredа Stella.

"Reprobate.., regenerate . . . automate..

аааа "Ingrate," I said. "Berate."

аааа "Mate," said Drozd. "Checkmate, of course."

аааа Again we were silent for a good long time, looking at each other numbly

and movingа our lipsа soundlessly. Drozd kept tapping on theа rim of the jar

with his brush.

аааа "СAа pirate'sа fun he has,а inspiringа naughtа but fear!а .С" I said. "

СChasing a poorа lass, kneesа to the rear.'а "I don'tа know about the pirate

bit," said Stella. "Then-- something like . . . defying law and fear. ..

аааа "We already had that," said Stella.

аааа "Where . . .? Ah, yes, true enough."

аааа " СHis tiger's stripes appear,' " said Drozd.

аааа Here there was a softа scratching and we turned to see what it was. The

door to Janus Poluektovich's laboratory was opening slowly.

аааа "Lookа at that!"а exclaimed Drozd inа amazement, freezing intoа a pose,

brush in hand.

аааа A small green parrot with a bright red crest crawled into the crack.

аааа "Whatа a dearа little parrot," exclaimed Drozd. "Here, parrot." He made

chicken-calling noises,а andа worked his fingers as though he were crumbling

bread. The parrot regarded him out of a single eye. Then it opened its black

beak, which was as hooked asа Roman's,а and criedа outа hoarsely,а "Reactor!

Reactor! Courage!"

аааа "Isn't he nice!" exclaimed Stella. "Sanya, catch him.. .

аааа Drozd started toward the parrot, and then stopped. "He probably bites,"

he said, looking reluctant. "Look at that beak."

аааа The parrot pushed off the floor and flapped its wings and flew, somehow

ineptly, about the room. I watched it inа astonishment.а It looked very much

like that other one of yesterday. An identical twin. Wall-to-wall parrots, I

thought.

аааа Drozd was parrying with his brush. "He'll peck me yet, for all I know,"

he said.

аааа Theа parrot lighted onа the laboratory balance beam,а twitched a bit to

attainа equilibrium, andа criedа distinctly, "Proximaа Centauri! R-Rubidium!

R-Rubidium!"

аааа Having delivered itself, it puffedа out its feathers, drew in its head,

and covered its eyesа with aа membrane.а Itа seemed to beа shivering. Stella

quicklyа created aа piece ofа breadа with jam, pinchedа offа the crust,а and

brought it under its beak. The parrot did not react. It wasа shaking as in a

fever and the scale pans were vibrating rapidly, clinking against the base.

 

аааа "I think he's sick," said Drozd. He took theа bread absentmindedly from

Stella's hand and started to eat it.

аааа "Friends,"а Iа said.а "has anybody ever seen a parrotа at the Institute

before?"

аааа Stella shook her head; Drozd shrugged his shoulders.

аааа "There've been just too many of them lately,"а Iа said. "And yesterday,

too..

аааа "Janusаа isаа probablyаа experimentingаа withаа them,"аа saidаа Stella.

"Antigravitation or something along those lines. .

аааа The door to the hall openedа and Roman Oira-Oira, Victor Korneev, Eddie

Amperian, andа Volodiaа Pochkinа came crowdingа in. Theа roomа became noisy.

Korneev, well restedа and very active, started to leaf through the articles,

loudlyа ridiculingа theirа style. Theа powerfulа Volodia Pochkin, actingа as

deputy editor inа his main police function, seized Drozdа by his plump nape,

bent him over, and stuck his nose into the paper.

аааа "Where is the banner? The banner! Where is it, Mr. Drozdillo?"

аааа Romanа demandedа finishedа verses from us. Eddie, not having any direct

connectionа withа the paper,а wentа toа theа cabinet and beganа to moveа its

apparatus contents with a maximum of crashings.

аааа Suddenlyа theа parrotа yelled out, "Oversanl Oversan!"--а and thereupon

ensued a stunned silence.

аа ааRomanаа staredа atа theа parrot.а Hisа faceа depictedа hisа traditional

expression as though he were just struck with an astounding idea.

аааа Volodia Pochkin let go of Drozd and said,а "How about that-- a parrot."

The rude Korneev instantly reached for the bird to grasp it around the body,

but it broke free, and Korneev grabbed it by the tail.

аааа "Letа go, Victor!"а Stella cried angrily.а "What kindа ofа behaviorа is

that-- torturing animals?"

аааа Theа parrotа screechedа louder.а Everyoneа crowded around.а Korneev was

holding it asа though it were a pigeon, Stella was stroking its crest, while

Drozd was tenderly fingering the feathers in its tail. Roman looked at me.

аааа "Curious," he said. "Isn't it?"

аааа "How did it get here, Sasha?" Eddie asked politely.

аааа I jerked my head in the direction of Janus's laboratory.

аааа "What would Janus want with a parrot?" inquired Eddie.

аааа "Are you asking me?" I said.

аааа "No, it's a rhetorical question," Eddie said seriously.

аааа "Why does he need two parrots?" I said.

аааа "Or three," Roman added softly.

аааа Korneev turned toward us.

аааа "Where is the other?" he asked, looking around.

аааа The parrot flopped weakly in his hand, trying to pinch his finger.

аааа "Why don't you let it go?" I said. "You can see it's not well."

аааа Korneevа pushed Drozd away, and put the bird backа onа theа scales. The

parrot ruffled its feathers and spread its wings.

аааа "Let him be," saidа Roman. "We'llа figure it аoutа later.а Where'sа the

verse?"

аааа Stella quickly rattled off everything we had had time to compose. Roman

scratchedа hisа chin,а Volodiaа Pochkinа neighedа unnaturally,а andа Korneev

delivered a command.

аааа "To the firing squad. With heavy-caliber machine guns. Are you going to

learn to write poetry sometime?"

аааа "You can write it yourself," I said angrily.

аааа "Poetry, I cannot write," saidа Korneev. "I am not a Pushkin by nature.

I am a Belinsky."

аааа "By nature you are a simulacrum," said Stella.

аааа "I beg your pardon!" insisted Victor. "I demand thatа the paperа have a

department ofа literary criticism. Iа desire toа write critical articles.а I

shall shatter you all! I shallа remind you again ofа your creation about the

dachas."

аааа "Which?" asked Eddie.

аааа Korneev quoted instantly:

аааа "I would like to build my dacha

аааа But it's a case of bureaucratic gotcha.

аааа The question of its proper place

аааа The land committee will not face."

аааа "Did you have that? Admit it!"

а ааа"So what!"а I said. "Pushkin had his unfortunate verse, too. They don't

even publish them in full in school books."

аааа "I know that," said Drozd.

аааа Roman turned toward him. "Are we going to have a banner today or not?"

аааа "We shall!" said Drozd. "I have drawn the letter СF' already."

аааа "What СF'? Where's there an СF'?"

аааа СWhy-- didn't we need it?"

аааа "I will expire onа theа spot,"а said Roman.а "The paper is called,а СTo

Progressive Thaumaturgy.' Show me just one СF' in that!"

аааа Drozd goggled at the wall, moving his lips nowа and then. "How can that

be?"а heа said finally.а "Where did I get the letter СF'?а Butа thereа was a

letter СF'!"

аааа Roman exploded and ordered Pochkin to chase usа all back to our places.

Stella andа I wereа placed under Korneev'sа command.а Drozdа wasа feverishly

changing his letter "F" into a stylized letter "T." Eddie Amperian attempted

to fade out with the psychoelectrometer, but was seized, bound, and assigned

to repair the airbrush needed for theа creation of the starry sky. Then came

Pochkin's turn. Roman ordered him toа type all the articles withа concurrent

editorialа and style correction. Roman himself undertook to stroll about the

laboratory, looking over everyone's shoulder in turn.

аааа The work boiled along for a while. We hadа time to compose and reject a

series ofа variants onа theа steambath theme: "Instead of steamyа bowers, we

have iceа cold showers"; "If you truly hunger to ablute, cold for hot is not

a substitute";а "Ourа two hundredа sages, each and all, desire hotа water in

their shower stall"; and so forth and so on.

аааа Korneevа continued his vile and scurrilous attacks like a true literary

critic. "Learn from Pushkin!" he pounded into us. "Or at least from Pochkin.

A genius is sitting next to you, andа youа can't even imitate him. . . . СOn

the road a Zil is rolling, . . . o'er me it will be bowling. .

аааа Whatа physicalа forceа is bound up in theseа lines!а Whatа sincerity of

feeling!"

аааа We fought back with anemic repartee. Sanya Drozd reached the letter "I"

inа the word "progressive." Eddieа fixedа the airbrush andа tried it outа on

Roman's proofs. Volodiaа Pochkin wasа searchingа forа the letter "T" onа his

typewriter, belching curses. Everything was proceeding normally. Thenа Roman

said suddenly, "Sasha, will you glance over here?"

аааа I looked. The parrot was lying under the scales, its legs drawn up, its

eyes covered with a white film, and its crest drooping.

аааа "Expired," Drozd said pityingly.

аааа Againа weа crowdedа around theа parrot. Iа didn'tа have anyа particular

notions, and if Iа did,а they were all in the subconscious, butа I stretched

out my hand, picked up the parrot, and examined its legs.

аааа Roman asked at once, "Is it there?"

аааа "It's there," I said.

аааа Onа the blackа scrunched-upа leg was the ring ofа whiteа metal engraved

"Photon" andа bearing the numbers "19-05-73."а Iа lookedа distraughtedlyа at

Roman.

аааа Weа both must have lookedа peculiar, as Korneev said, "All right, let's

hear whatever interesting tale you have to tell."

аааа "Shall we tell?" asked Roman.

аааа "it's someа kind of bad dream," Iа said, "probablyа some sort of trick.

They're probably doubles."

аааа "But no," he said. "That'sа the whole point. It's not a double.а It's a

very genuine original."

аааа Roman again examined the little corpse attentively.

аааа "Let me see," said Korneev.

аааа The four of them, including Volodia Pochkin and Eddie, investigated the

parrot in the most thorough manner and declaredа unanimously that it was not

a double and that they did not understand why this gave us such trouble.

аааа "Let's takeа myself,а forа instance,"а saidа Komeev. "I, too, am notа a

double. Why doesn't that amaze you?"

аааа Romanа surveyed,а inа turn, Stella,а who wasа consumedа with curiosity,

Volodiaа Pochkin,а withаа hisа mouthа open,а andа Victor,а whoа wasа smiling

tauntingly,а and told allа how theа day beforeа yesterday he hadа foundа the

charredа feather,а which heа threw into the wastepaper basket; and about how

there had been no feather in the basket yesterday, but instead a dead parrot

had manifested itself on this (same)а table, whichа parrot was not a double,

but an exact copy of this one;а and alsoа about how Janus had recognized the

parrotа and mourned over it, incinerated it inа the above-mentioned furnace,

and scattered its ashes to the wind, for some reason.

аааа No one spoke forа a while.а Drozd was only dimly interestedа in Roman's

story and shrugged his shoulders. His face clearly expressedа that he didn't

understand what all thisа excitement was about, and that in his opinion much

thickerа brothsа wereа brewedа inаа thisа institution.а Stellaа alsoа seemed

disappointed. But the magister trio understood everything only too well, and

their physiognomies registered protest.

аааа Korneev said decisively, "Youа areа makingа it up. And not too wellа at

that."

аааа "This just isn't that same parrot," said the polite Eddie. "You must be

mistaken."

аааа "It's the one," I said. "Green and with a ring."

аааа "Photon?" asked Korneev in a prosecutor's tone.

аааа "Photon. Janus called him his little Photon."

аааа "And the numbers?" asked Volodia.

аааа "And the numbers!"

аааа "The numbers are the same?" Korneev asked threateningly.

аааа "I think they are the same," I said, looking at Roman uncertainly.

аааа "Let's have that aа bit more precisely," demanded Korneev, covering the

parrot with his red paw. "Would you repeat those numbers again?"

аааа "Nineteen . . ." I said. "Eh . . . zero-two, is it? Sixty-three."

аааа Korneev looked under his palm. "You lie," he said. "And how about you?"

He turned to Roman.

аааа "I don't remember," Roman said .calmly. "It seems it was zero-five, not

zero-three."

аааа "No," I said. "I still think it was zero-six. I remember there was that

hook on it."

аааа "Aаа hook,"а Pochkinаа saidа contemptuously.а "Seeа ourа Holmesesаа and

Pinkertons! They grow weary of the law of cause and effect."

аааа Korneev stuffed hisа hands in his pockets. "That's a different matter,"

heа said.а "I don't believeа you areа lying.а You areа simply mixedа up. The

parrotsа areа allа green, many are tagged. Thisа pair was fromа the СPhoton'

series. And your memory is full of holes. As with all versifiers and editors

of hack bulletin gazettes."

аааа "Full of holes?" inquired Roman.

аааа "Like a sieve."

аааа "Like a sieve?" repeated Roman, smiling strangely.

аааа "Like an old sieve," elaborated Victor. "A rusty one. Like aа net. With

large mesh."

аааа Then Roman, continuing to smile strangely, pulled a notebook out of his

shirt pocket and riffled its pages.

аааа "And so," he said. "Large, meshed, and rusty. Let's see

аааа nineteen, zero-five, seventy-three," he read.

аааа The magistersа lunged toward the parrotа andа collidedа their foreheads

with a dry crack.

аааа "Nineteen,а zero-five, seventy-three," Korneev read the numbers onа the

ring in a fallen voice. It was most spectacular. Stella immediately squealed

with pleasure.

аааа "Big deal," said Drozd withoutа tearing himself awayа from his drawing.

"I once had a numberа coinciding withа the winner in a lottery. I ran to the

savings outlet to pick up my car. And then it turned out-- "

аааа "Why didа you write down the number?" said Korneev, squinting at Roman.

"Is it a habit with you? Do you write down all numbers? Maybeа youа have the

number of your watch in there?"

аааа "Brilliantt" said Pochkin. "Victor, you areа great! You have

hit the bull's eye. Roman. what aа disgrace! Why did you poison the аparrot?

How cruel!"

аааа "Idiots!" said Roman. "What am I to you? A Vibegallo?"

аааа Korneev ran up to him and ogled his ears.

аааа "Go to theа devil!" saidа Roman. "Sasha, just look at them; aren't they

admirable?"

аааа "Come on,а fellow," I said. "Who jokes thatа way? Whatа do you takeа us

for?"

аааа "Andа what isа leftа for us to do?" saidа Korneev.а "Someone isа lying.

Eitherа it'sа you or theа laws ofа nature.а Iа believe in the law of nature.

Everything else changes."

аааа Anyway, he quickly wilted, sat down out of the way, and settled down to

think. Sanya Drozd drew his banner calmly. Stella was lookingа at each of us

- inа turnа with frightened eyes. Volodiaа Pochkin rapidly wrote and crossed

out some formulas. Eddie was the first to speak.

аааа "Evenа ifаа lawsа areа notа subverted,"аа heа saidа withаа aаа showа of

reasonableness, "the unexpected appearance of aа large numberа of parrots in

the same roomа and theirа suspiciously high modalityа rate still remain most

unlikely. Butа I amа notа tooа surprised, since Iа have not forgotten we are

dealing here with Janus Poluektovich. Don't you feel that Janus Poluektovich

is in himself a most curious personage?"

аааа "It would seem so," I said.

аааа "I thinkа so, too," saidа Eddie. "What field is he actually working in,

Roman?"

аааа "Itаа dependsа onа whichа Janusа youаа mean.а Janus-Uа isа involvedа in

communication with parallel spaces."

аааа "Hmm," said Eddie. "That'll hardly help us."

аааа "Unfortunately," said Roman.а "I,а too,а have been constantlyа thinking

aboutа how we can tie in the parrotsа with Janus, and Iа can'tа come up with

anything."

аааа "But is he not a strange person?" asked Eddie.

аааа "Yes, undoubtedly," said Roman. "Beginning with the fact that there are

two of them and he is one. We have become so used to that, that we no longer

think about it"

аааа "That'sа what I wanted to talkа about. Weа seldomа discuss Janus, as we

respect him tremendously.а But hasn't everyа one of us noticed at leastа one

idiosyncracy about him?"

аааа "Idiosyncracy number one," I said. "A fondness for dying parrots."

аааа "We'll consider that as one," said Eddie. "What else?"

аааа "Gossips," Drozdа saidа with dignity.а "I had occasion to ask him for a

loan once."

аааа "Yes?" said Eddie.

аааа "And he gave it to me," said Drozd. "But then I forgot how much he gave

me. Now I don't know what to do."

аааа He was silent. Eddie waited aа while for a continuationа and then said,

"Do you know, for example, that each time I hadа to work nights with him, at

exactlyа twelve midnight he went away somewhere and came backа fiveа minutes

later, andа each time, I had the impression that, one way or another, he was

trying to find out from me what we were doing there prior to his departure."

аааа "That is indeed so," said Roman. "I know it very well. I have noted for

a longа time that right at midnightа hisа memory is wiped clean. Andа heа is

thoroughly aware of thisа defect., He excused himself several times and said

thatа itа was a reflexive syndrome connected with the sequelaeа of a serious

contusion."

аааа "His memoryа is worthless," saidа Volodia Pochkin. Heа crumpled a sheet

withа computations andа threwа it underа the table. "He keeps botheringа you

about whether he's seen you yesterday or not."

аааа "And what you talked about, if he has seen you," I added.

аааа "Memory, memory," Korneev muttered impatiently. "What hasа memory to do

with it? Lots of people haveа faultyа memories. . .а . That's not the point.

What has he been doing with parallel spaces?"

аааа "First we have to collect the facts," said Eddie.

аааа "Parrots, parrots, parrots," continued Victor. "Can it be that they are

doubles, after all?"

аааа "No," said Volodiaа Pochkin. "I calculated. According to allа criteria,

it is not a double."

аааа "Every midnight,"а said Roman, "heа goes to thatа laboratory of his and

literallyа locks himself up in it for several.а minutes. One time he ranа in

there so hurriedly that he did not have time to shut the door.

аааа "And what happened?" asked Stella in a faint voice.

аааа "Nothing. Heа sat down inа hisа chair, stayed thereа a few minutes, and

came back. Immediately he asked whether we hadа been talking about something

important."

аааа "I'm going," said Korneev, getting up.

аааа "I, too," said Eddie. "We're having a seminar.

аааа "Me, too," said Volodia Pochkin.

аааа "No," said Roman.а "Youа sit here and type. Iа appoint you head of this

enterprise.а Andа you,а Stellotchka,а takeа Sasha and makeа verses.а And I'm

leaving. I'll be back in the evening and the paper had better be ready."

аааа They left, and weа stayed to do the paper. At first we tried to come up

withа something,а butа grewа tiredа quickly andа had toа accept that we just

couldn't do any more. So we wrote a small poem about a dying parrot.

аааа When Roman returned the paper was finished. Drozd lay on the tableа and

consumed sandwiches, while Pochkin was expoundingа to Stella andа me why the

incident with the parrot could absolutely not be included.

ааа а"Stout fellow,"а said Roman.а "An excellent paper. What aа banner! What

boundless starry skies! And how few typos! And where is the parrot?"

аааа Theа parrot lay in the petrie dish, the very same dish and in theа very

same placeа whereа Roman and I sawа it yesterday. Itа was enoughа to make me

catch my breath.

аааа "Who put it there?" inquired Roman.

аааа "I did," said Drozd. "Why?"

аааа "No, that's all right," said Roman. "Let it lay there. Right, Sasha?'

аааа I nodded.

аааа "Let's see what'll happen with it tomorrow," said Roman.

 

 

 

Chapter 4

 

 

аааа Tire poor old innocent bird curses like a thousand devils,а but it does

not understand a word of what it is saying.

 

аааааааааааааа R.Stevenson

 

 

аааа Next morning, however, right from the start, I had toа assume my normal

duties.а Aldan hadа been repaired andа was readyа toа do battle, and whenа I

arrived in Electronicsа after breakfastа thereа was already a small queue of

doubles, with lists of assigned problems, at the door. I began by vengefully

expelling Cristobal Junta's double,а and writing on his list that I couldn't

decipher the script. (Junta's handwriting was truly not susceptible to being

read; heа wrote Russianа inа gothicа letters.)а Feodorа Simeonovich's double

brought a program that had been personally composed by him. It was the first

programа Feodor Simeonovichа hadа writtenа byа himself withoutа anyа advice,

prompting, orа directionsа on my part. I looked the program over attentively

andа wasа pleasantlyаа reassuredа thatа itа wasа putа togetherа competently,

economically,а and notа without ingenuity.а I corrected some inconsequential

errors andа turnedа itа overа toа my girls. Then Iа noticed that a paleа and

distraught-lookingа accountant fromа the fish factory was visiblyа suffering

from the delaysа in the line. He was so discomfited and even frightened that

I received him at once.

аааа "It'sа aа bitа uncomfortabie,"а he muttered, lookingа fearfully atа the

doubles out of the corner of his eye. "After all, these comrades are waiting

there and they were here before me. . .

аааа "It's all right, these are not comrades," I calmed him.

аааа "Well, citizens. .

аааа "Not citizens, either."

аааа Theа accountantаа turnedа altogetherа pale,аа andа bendingа towardа me,

pronounced in a halting whisper, "No wonder, then! I am looking at them, and

they are not blinking. . . . And that one there, in blue-- Iа think he's not

even breathing...

аааа I had already processed half of the queue when Roman called.

аааа СSasha?"

аааа "Yes."

аааа "The parrot's gone!"

аааа "What do you mean-- gone?"

аааа "Just like that."

аааа "Did the charwoman throw it out?"

аааа "I asked. Not only did she not throw it out, she hasn't seen it."

аааа "Maybe the brownies are fooling around."

аааа "In the director's laboratory? I doubt it."

аааа "Mmm, yes," I said. "Maybe Janus himself?"

аааа "Janus hasn't come in yet. And,а anyway, I don't thinkа he's backа from

Moscow."

аааа "So, what are we supposed to make of it?" I asked.

аааа "I don't know. We'll see."

аааа We were silent.

аааа "You'll call me?" I asked. "If something interesting develops?"

аааа "Of course. Without fail. So long, old chum."

аааа I forced myself not to think аabout the parrot, whichа was,а after all,

none ofа myа business. Iа finished withа allа the doubles,а checked allа the

programs, and took up the nasty little problem that had been hanging over me

for a longа time. Itа was given me by the absolutists. At firstа I hadа told

them that it had neither sense nor solution, asа wasа the caseа with most of

their conundrums. But then I consulted withа Junta, whoа had a sharp insight

into such matters, and he gave me aа few encouraging pieces of advice. I had

reverted to the problem several times and put it off as many, butа now I was

able to finish itа off. It worked out most elegantly. Just as I finished and

leaned backа inа my chair to contemplate withа delightа theа solution from a

distance, Juntaа arrived, ominous and irate.а Looking downа atа my feet,а he

inquired in a dry, menacing toneа as to whenа I had ceased to understand his

writing. It reminded him quite strongly of sabotage, he informed me.

аааа I was looking at him with a melting mien.

аааа "Cristobalа Joseevich," I said. "I finally did find theа solution.а You

were absolutely right. Conjuration space can indeed be folded along any four

variables."

аааа Finally he raised his eyes to me and looked me in the face. I must have

had an especiallyа happy expression because heа softened and growled, "May I

see it?"

аааа I handed him the sheets and he satа downа nextа to me and, together, we

went over the problem from beginning to end, savoring theа two mostа elegant

transformations,а oneа ofа which he promptedа to me, andа one which Iа found

myself.

аааа "You andа I don't have such bad heads, Alessandro," Junta said finally.

"We have a certain artistry of thought. What do you think?"

аааа "I think we're pretty good," I said sincerely.

аааа "And I concur," he said. "We'll publish it. No one should be ashamed to

publish that. It's not anythingа likeа self-powered galoshes or invisibility

pants."

аааа Weа had reached aа fine state of satisfaction andа began to analyze his

new problem. In noа timeа at all he toldа meа thatа be had previously judged

himself a bit inept and had come to the conclusion that I was a mathematical

ignoramus at ourа very first meeting.а I hotly agreed with him and expressed

the opinion that he was conceivably quite ready to retire on pension, and as

for me, I should be ejected bodily from the Institute to load lumber because

I wouldn'tа quality forа any other job.а He contradicted me.а Heа said there

could be noа talkа ofа any pensionа andа thatа he shouldа beа processedа for

fertilizer,а while I should notа be allowed within a kilometer of a sawmill,

where a certainа intellectualа levelа wasа stillа required,а butа shouldа be

assigned as a junior trainee on the cesspool pumper at the cholera barracks.

Soа weа sat,а proppingа upа ourа headsа and abandoningа ourselves toа mutual

devaluation, when Feodor Simeonovich looked in. As near as I could make out,

he was impatient to hear my opinion of his program.

аааа "Program!" exclaimedа Junta, smilingа biliously.а "Iа haven't seen your

program, Feodor, but I am sureа that it is a work of genius in comparison to

this-- " He handed Feodor Simeonovich the sheet with the problem, holding it

in gingerа disgust between two fingers.а "Regardа thisа exemplarа ofа mental

poverty and vapidity."

аааа "B-but, my dear f-fellows," said Feodorа Simeonovich, having diligently

decipheredа theа handwriting.а "Thisа is BBenа B-Beczalel'sа problem! Didn't

C-Cagliostro prove ththat it had no s-solution?"

аааа "Weа knowа thatа itа hasа noа solution,а too,"а saidа Junta,а bristling

immediately. "But we wish to learn how to solve it"

аааа "H-how strangely you r-reason, C-Cristo. . . . H-how can you look for a

solution, where it d-does not exist? It's s-some sort of n-nonsense.

аааа "Excuseа me, Feodor,а butа it'sа you whoа are reasoning strangely. It's

nonsense to look forа a solution if it already exists.а We are talking about

how toа deal with aа problem that has no solution.а Thisа is aа questionа of

profound principle,а which, I can see, isа notа within your scope, since you

areа an applications type.а Apparentlyа I started this conversation with you

for nothing."

аааа Cristobalа Joseevich'sа toneаа wasа exceedinglyа insultingа andа Feodor

Simeonovich became angry.

аааа "I'll t-tell you what, my g-goodа fellow," heа said. "Iа can't d-debate

with you in suchа a v-vein, in the presence of the young man. Y-you astonish

m-me. It's not s-scholarly.а If you wish to continue, let'sа go outа inа the

hall."

аааа "Asа you wish," replied Junta,а drawingа himself up like a steel spring

and reaching convulsively for a nonexistent rapier hilt at his hip.

аааа They walked out ceremoniously, holding their heads high and not looking

at each other. The girls tittered. I wasn't particularlyа concerned, either.

Sitting down, I putа myа handsа around my head,а studying the sheet that had

been left behind andа listening to the mighty rumble of Feodor Simeonovich's

bass and the dry, angry expletives ofа Cristobal Joseevich cuttingа through,

out in the hall.

аааа In the end, Feodor Simeonovich bellowed, "Would you please follow me to

my office!"

аааа "A pleasure!" grated Junta.а They hadа now assumedа theа formalа "you."

Their voices faded in the distance.

аааа "Duel! A duel!" chittered the girls.

аааа Junta had anа arrant fame as aа duelist and for picking quarrels.а They

said that he would bring his adversary to his laboratory, offer him a choice

of rapiers,а swords,а orа halbards, andа then startа jumpingа onа tables and

overturning cabinets a La Douglas Fairbanks. But there was no need toа worry

aboutа Feodor Simeonovich. It was quiteа clear that,а having arrived inа his

office, they would gloom in silence atа each other across the table for half

anа hour,а thenа Feodor Simeonovichа wouldа sigh heavily,а openа hisа liquor

cabinet, and fillа two glasses withа the Elixir ofа Bliss. Junta would flare

hisа nostrils, twist his moustache,а and drink up. Feodor Simeonovichа would

fillа theа glasses againа withoutа delayа and shoutа intoа theа lab,а "Fresh

pickles!"

аааа Romanа calledа at this time and asked in an odd voice that I goа to his

place at once. I ran upstairs.

аааа In the lab were Roman, Victor, and Eddie. Besides them, thereа was also

a green parrot. Alive. He sat, just as yesterday, on the balance beam, ogled

each one of us in turn outа of one eye or the other, poked aroundа under his

feathers withа hisа beak, andа obviouslyа exhibitedа excellentа health.а The

scientists, inа contradistinction, looked far from well.а Roman hunched over

the bird andа periodicallyа sighed with a jerk. A pale Eddie gently massaged

his temples, wearing the agonized expression of a migraine sufferer. Victor,

too, astride aа chair,а rockedа it like aа bug-eyed schoolboyа andа grumbled

indistinctly, sotto voce.

аааа "The same one?" I asked weakly.

аааа "The same one," said Roman.

аааа "Photon?" I began to feel poorly, too. "And the number coincides?"

аааа Roman did not reply.

аааа Eddie said inа a lugubriousа tone,а "Ifа we knewа how many feathers the

parrot has in his tail, we could count them overа again and accountа for the

one lost yesterday."

аааа "Would you like me to go and fetch Braem?" I offered.

аааа "Where is the corpse?" asked Roman. "That's where we should start from!

Listen, detectives-- where is the corpse?"

аааа "Corpse," barked the parrot. "Ceremony! Corpse overboard! Rubidium!"

аааа "The devil knows what he's talking about," said Roman with feeling.

аааа "СCorpse overboard' is a typical pirate expression," elucidated Eddie.

аааа "And rubidium?"

аааа "R-rubidiuml Res-erve! Tr-tremendous!" said the parrot.

аааа "Theа rubidiumа reservesа areа huge," translatedа Eddie.а "Itа would be

interesting to know where."

аааа I bent over to examine the ring.

аааа "Could it be that it's still not the same one?"

аааа "And where is the one?" asked Roman.

аааа "Well, that's a different question,"а I said. "That would be easierа to

explain."

аааа "Explain," Roman demanded.

аааа "Wait," I said. "Let's first decide the question: Is it the same one or

not?"

аааа "I think it's the same one," said Eddie.

аааа "And I think it's not the same one," I said. "Here there's a scratch on

the ring, where the three..."

аааа "Three!"а pronouncedа the parrot.а СThr-ree!а Hard-a-starboard! Sprout!

Water-r sprout!"

аааа Victor suddenly perked up. "I have an idea," he said.

аааа "What?"

аааа "Word-association test."

аааа "How?"

аааа "Wait! Everybody sitа down and be quiet and don't interfere.а Roman, do

you have a tape recorder?"

аааа "I do."

аааа ."Let's have it.а But everyone must beа quiet.а I'llа openа him up, the

rascal. He'll tell me everything."

аааа Victorа pulled up a chair, sat downа withа theа recorderа inа hisа hand

oppositeа theа parrot, puffed himself up, fixed the parrot with one eye, and

yelled, "R-rubidium!"

аааа The parrot started and almost fell off the scales.а Flappingа his wings

to regain equilibrium, he responded, "Rreserve! Cr-rater Ritchey!"

аааа We looked at each other, "R-reserve!" yelled Victor.

аааа "Tr-remendous!а Riches!а R-riches!а Ritcheyа isаа r-right!а Ritcheyа is

r-right! R-robots! R-robots!"

аааа "Robots!"

аааа "Cr-rashes Bur-rning! Atmospher-re bur-rning! Scrram! R-retreat! Scram!

Dr-ramba Retr-reat!"

аааа "Dramba!"

аааа "R-rubidium! R-reserve!"

аааа "Rubidium!"

аааа "R-reserve! Cr-rater! Ritchey!"

аааа "Shortа circuit,"а saidа Roman.а "Fullа circle." "Wait,а wait,"а Victor

rattled on.а "Inа a minute-- "а "Tryа something different," counseled Eddie.

"Janus!" said Victor.

аааа The parrotа openedа itsа beakа andа sneezed. "Ja-nus!" Victorа repeated

sternly.а Theа parrot gazed pensivelyа out of the window. "There's no letter

СR,' " I said.

аааа "Possible," said Victor. "Let's try . . . Nevstr-r-uev!"

аааа "Pr-ressing maneuver!"а saidа the parrot.а "Wizar-rd! Wizar-rd!а Kr-rib

transmitting!"

аааа "That is not a pirate's parrot," said Eddie.

аааа "Ask him about the corpse," I said.

аааа "Corpse," Victor said reluctantly.

аааа "Bur-rialа cer-remony!а Temporalа restriction!аа Or-ration!а Or-ration!

Cr-rap! Work! Work!"

аааа "He mustа have had someа curiousа owners,"а said Roman.а "What do we do

now?"

аааа "Victor,"а saidа Eddie,а "I thinkа he'sа using spaceа terminology.а Try

something simple, routine."

аааа "Hydrogen bomb," said Victor.

аааа The parrot lowered its head and cleaned its beak with a claw.

аааа "Tractor," said Victor.

аааа The parrot remained silent.

аааа "It doesn't work," said Roman.

аааа "Devil take it!" said Victor. "I can't think of a singleа everyday item

with an СR' in it. Table, stool, ceiling, sofa . . . oh, translator!"

аааа The parrot looked at Victor out of one eye. "Kor-rneev, r-request!"

аааа "What?"а asked Victor. For the first time inа my life I saw Victor at a

loss for words.

аааа "Kor-rneev r-rude! R-rude! Great worker! R-rare rrude! Dr-roll!"

аааа We giggled. Victor looked at us and said vengefully, "Oira-Oira!"

аааа "Elder-ny!а Elder-rly!"а theа parrotа respondedа readily.а "Cheer-rful!

R-reaching."

аааа "Something isn't right," said Roman.

аа аа"Why not right?" saidа Victor. "It'sа very muchа to theа point.а .а . .

Privalov!"

аааа "Ar-rtles Pr-roject! Pr-rimitive! Hard wor-rker!"

аааа "Fellows, he knows us all," said Eddie.

аааа "Wor-rkers!"а responded the parrot. "Or-rain pepper-r!а Zer-ro! Zer-ro!

Gr-ravitation!"

аааа "Amperian!" Victor said hurriedly.

аааа "Cr-rematorium! Pr-remature r-rupture!" saidа the parrot, thought some,

and added, "Amper-re-- meter!"

аааа "Dissociated nonsense," said Eddie.

аааа "There is no such thing as dissociated nonsense," Roman said pensively.

аааа Victor snappedа the catchа and opened the dictaphone. "The tape has run

out," he said. "Too bad."

аааа "Youа know what," Iа said. "I think it would beа simpler to askа Janus.

What sort of parrot this one is, where it is from, and in general-- "

аааа "And who is the one to ask?" inquired Roman.

аааа No oneа responded. Victor suggested listening to the tape again. At the

very first words from the dictaphone, the parrot flewа toа Victor's shoulder

andа satа there listening with evidentа interest, making commentsа such as,"

Dr-ramba ignor-res ur-ranium," "Cor-rect," and "Kor-rneev r-rude!"

аааа When theа recording was finished, Eddie said,а "In principle, you could

compose aа lexicon and analyze it on the machine. But this and that is clear

even now. In the first place, he knows us all. That's astonishing in itself.

It means that he's heard our names many times. In the second place, he knows

about robots. And about rubidium. By the way, where is rubidium used?"

аааа "In our Institute," said Roman, "it certainly is'not used at all."

аааа "It's something like sodium," said Korneev.

аааа "Allа right for rubidium," I said.а "But how does he knowа aboutа lunar

craters?"

аааа "Why lunar in particular?"

аааа "Do we call mountains Сcraters' on the Earth?"

аааа "Well, right off the bat there's the Arizona crater, and also, a crater

is not a mountain, but a hole."

аааа "Tempor-ral r-rip!" the parrot said.

аааа "Heа hasа the strangestа terminology,"а saidа Eddie. "In noа way canа I

classify it as general usage."

аааа "Yes," agreed Victor. "Ifа the parrot is always with Janus,а then Janus

busies himself with strange matters."

аааа "Str-range or-rbital tr-ransfer!"

аааа "Janus is not involved in space," said Roman. "I would know."

аааа "Maybe he was previously."

аааа "Not previously either."

аааа "Robotsа of some kind," Victorа said sorrowfully.а "Craters .а .а . why

craters?"

аааа "Perhaps Janus reads science-fiction," I offered.

аааа "Aloud? To a parrot?"

аааа "Mmm, yes....

аааа "Venera!" said Victor, addressingа the parrot "R-ruinous cr-raze!" said

the parrot. It grew thoughtful, then elucidated, "Cr-rashed. Fr-ruitlessly!"

аааа Roman got up and paced up andа down the laboratory. Eddie put his cheek

down on the table and closed his eyes.

аааа "How did he appear here?" I asked.

аааа "Same as yesterday," said Roman. "From Janus's laboratory."

аааа "You saw it yourself?"

аааа "Uhuh."

аааа "I don't understand one thing," I said. "Did he or didn't he die?"

аааа "Andа howа wouldа we know?"а said Roman. "I'm notа a veterinarian.а And

Victorа is not anа ornithologist. And, inа general, this mayа not evenа be a

parrot."

аааа "What then could it be?"

аааа "How would I know?"

аааа "This could be an involved hallucinatory induction," said Eddie without

opening his eyes.

аааа "Induced how?"

аааа СThat's what I am thinking about now," said Eddie.

аааа I pressed my eyeball with a finger and looked at the parrot. The parrot

image split.

аааа "It splits," I said. "It's not an hallucination.

аааа "I said-- 'an involved hallucination,'" reminded Eddie.

аааа I pressed on both eyes and was temporarily blinded.

аааа "Here'sа what," saidа Korneev. "Iа declareа that we areа dealing with a

suspensionа of theа lawа of cause and effect. Therefore,а thereа is butа one

conclusion-- it's allа anа hallucination and we shouldа allа get up,а get in

line, and depart singing to a psychiatrist. Form a line!"

аааа "I won't go," said Eddie. "I have one more idea."

аааа "What?'

аааа "I won't say."

аааа "Why?"

аааа "You'll beat me."

аааа "We'll beat you if you don't."

аааа "So beat me."

аааа "You don't have any idea," said Victor. "You are just imagining it. Off

to the psychiatrist."

аааа The door creaked and Janus Poluektovich came in from the hall.

аааа "So," he said. "How do you do!"

аааа We stood up. lie went around and shook each of us by the hand in turn.

аааа "Dearа Photon," he said, seeing theа parrot. "He isа not bothering you,

Roman Petrovich?"

аааа "Bothering?"а saidа Roman.а "Me?а Whyа would heа botherа me? Heа is not

bothering me, just the opposite. ..

аааа "Still, it's every day--а " Janus started to say something and suddenly

stopped. "What did we discuss yesterday?" he asked, wiping his forehead.

аааа "Yesterday you were inа Moscow," said Roman, withа a strange submissive

tone in his voice.

аааа "Ah-h . . . yes, yes. Well, all right. Photon-- come here."

аааа Theа parrot flew up, perched on Janus's shoulder, and saidа in his ear,

"Gr-rain, gr-rain! Sugar-r!"

аааа Janus Poluektovich smiled tenderly and went into his laboratory.

аааа We looked stupidly at each other.

аааа "Let's get out of here," said Roman.

аааа "To theа psychiatrist! To the psychiatrist," mumbled Korneev ominously,

whileа we walked alongа the corridor toward his sofa.а "Into crater Ritchey!

Dr-ramba! Sugar-r!"

 

Chapter 5

 

 

аааа Facts are always in plenty-- it's phantasy we lack.

 

аааааааааааааа D. Blokhintzev

 

 

аааа Victor put the containersа with the water-of-life down on the floor and

we allа flopped down on theа sofa-translator and lighted up. After some time

Roman asked, "Victor, did you turn off the sofa?"

аааа "Yes."

аааа "I keep having this or that nonsense popping into my head."

аааа "Iа switched it off andа blocked it," said Victor. "No, myа goodа man,"

said Eddie. "And why not hallucination, after all?"

аааа "Whoа said thatа it'sа notа anа hallucination?" asked Victor. "Didn't I

suggest a psychiatrist?"

аааа "When I was courting Maika," said Eddie, "I induced such hallucinations

that I was frightened myself."

аааа "What for?" asked Victor.

аааа Eddie thought. "Iа don't really know,"а he said. "Probably out ofа high

feelings."

аааа "Iа ask:а Whyа would anyone induceа hallucinations in us?" said Victor.

"Andа then, we areа not Maika, either. We are, thank God, magisters. Who can

best us? Maybe Janus, maybe Kivrin or Junta. Perhaps Giacomo, too."

аааа "But our Alexander is inа the weakа side," saidа Eddieа in aа diffident

tone.

аааа "So what?" I asked. "Am I the only one who is seeing things?"

аааа "As aа general proposition, we could run a test,"а said Victor, in deep

thought. "If we had Sasha . . . you know-- "

 

аааа "No, no," saidа I.а "You willа forgetа that forа me. Aren't there other

methods? Press on theа eyeball.а Orа give the tape recorder to an uninvolved

person. Let him listen, and discover whether there is a recording or not."

аааа The magisters smiled pityingly.

аааа "You make a good programmer, Sasha" said Eddie.

аааа "Sprat!" said Korneev. "An embryo!"

аааа "Yes,а myа dearа Sashenka,"а sighed Roman,а "I canа seeа you can't even

imagine what a really detailed, thoroughly induced hallucination is like."

аааа Dreamy expressions suffusedа the facesа ofа theа magisters--а evidently

sweet memories wereа evoked in them. I lookedа at them withа envy. They were

smiling, shutting theirа eyes in concentration.а Theyа wereа winkingа atа an

imaginary someone.

аааа Thenа Eddie saidа suddenly, "Orchids bloomed forа herа all winter. They

smelled of the sweetest scent I could think of."

аааа Victorа cameа out ofа his trancelikeа state.а "Berkeleyans!"а heа said.

"Unwashed solipsists! СHow awful is my perception!'

аааа "Yes," said Roman. "An hallucination is not a fit object of discussion.

It's too simple. We areа notа childrenа or old wives. I don't wishа to be an

agnostic. What was that idea you had, Eddie?"

аааа "Iа had? Ah, yes, thereа wasа one.а Alsoа a primitiveа one,а basically.

Matrixats."

аааа "Hmm," Roman said dubiously.

аааа "And how's that?" I asked.

аааа Eddie explained reluctantly that besides the doubles withа which Iа was

familiar, thereа also were matrixats--а absolutely accurate copies of people

and objects. In contradistinction to the doubles, the matrixat was identical

with the original in structural detail. It was impossible to distinguish one

by the usual methods. Special equipment was requiredа and, inа general, that

was a highly complicated and demanding undertaking.а In his own time Balsamo

receivedа his magister-academician degreeа forа the proofа ofа theа matrixat

natureа ofа Philippeа Bourbon, knownа popularlyа asа the "Ironа Mask."а This

matrixat of Louis XIV was created in the secret laboratories of theа Jesuits

with the aim of seizing theа French throne. In our time, matrixats were made

by the biostereographic method a la Richard Segure.

аааа I didn't know then who this Richard Segure was, but I said at once that

theа matrixat concept could only explain the extraordinary similarity of the

parrots. And that's all.а For example, it continuedа to beа incomprehensible

where yesterday's dead parrot had gone.

аааа "That's true enough," said Eddie. "And I don't insist. Especially since

Janus has no connection whatsoever with biostereography."

а ааа"There you are," I said more boldly. "In that eventа it would be better

toа suggestа a trip intoа theа describedа future.а Youа know? Theа way Louis

Sedlovoi does it."

аааа "And then?" said Komeev, without any special interest

аааа "Janus simply flies into a science-fiction novel, takes a parrot there,

andа bringsа him back here. When the parrot dies, heа flies to the same page

andа again . . . it then becomes understandable why the parrots are similar.

Itа isа oneа andа theа sameаа parrotа andа youа canа seeа whyа itа hasа this

science-fiction vocabulary. And furthermore,"а Iа continued, feeling thatа I

wasn'tа doing so badly,а "Thisа could also explain why Janus asksа theа same

questions all the time: each time he fears that he has returned on the wrong

day... . I think I have explained it all quite nicely, no?"

аааа "And is there such a science-fiction novel?" asked Eddie with a show of

curiosity. "With a parrot in it?"

аааа "I don't know," I said honestly, "but there are all kinds of animals in

those starships. Cats and dogs and children . . and, anyway, there is a vast

science-fiction literature in the West. You can't read it all...

аааа "Well, toа begin with,а aа parrot out of Western science-fictionа would

hardlyа speakа Russian,"а saidа Roman.а "Butа theа main pointа isа that it's

altogetherа incomprehensibleа how theseа cosmic parrots-- evenа granted they

come from Sovietа S-- F--а couldа be acquaintedа with Korneev, Privalov, and

Oira-Oira...

аааа СIа won't even mention," Victor saidа lazily,а "that it is one thing to

transportа a real material body into a world ofа ideas, but quite another to

transport anа idea-world body into the realа world. I doubt that there is an

authorа whoа created aа parrotа imageа suitable forа transferenceа intoа the

material world."

аааа Iа was reminded of the semitransparent inventorsа andа couldn'tа find a

rejoiner.

аааа "However,"а Victor continuedа charitably, "our Sasha here is exhibiting

definite signs of promise. One feels a certain noble madness in his ideas."

аааа "Janusаа wouldn'tа incinerateаа anа idealа parrot,"а saidаа Eddieа with

conviction. "An ideal parrot cannot even rot."

аааа "Andа why, anyway,"а Roman said suddenly, "whyа are we so inconsistent?

Whyа Sedlovoi? Why shouldа Janus repeat Sedlovoi's activities? Janusа hasа a

line of investigation.

аааа Janusа hasа hisа ownа area of problems.а Janus involves himself inа the

investigationа ofа parallelа dimensions. Let'sа takeа thatа asа aа pointа of

departure."

ааа а"Let's," I said.

аааа "Do you thinkа that Janus was successful in establishing communications

with some parallel dimension?" asked Eddie.

аааа "Communications he established them some time ago. Why not suppose that

he has gone further? Why not suppose that he is now working onа the transfer

ofа materialа bodies? Eddieа is right. There must be matrixats, becauseа the

guaranteeа ofа completeа identityа isа absolutelyа necessary.а Theа transfer

conditionsа areа selectedа on the basis of theа experimentalа situation. The

firstа twoа transfersа wereаа unsuccessful:а theа parrotsа died.а Todayа the

experiment was apparently successful. . .

аааа "Whyа do they speak Russian?" askedа Eddie. "Andа why, аagain, does the

parrot have such a vocabulary?"

аааа "It means that a Russia exists there, too," said Roman. "But there they

are already mining rubidium in Ritchey crater."

аааа "It's all too farfetched," said Victor. "Why parrots in particular? Why

not dogs or guinea pigs? Why not just tape recorders, in the final analysis?

Also, how do these parrotsа know thatа Oira-Oira is old, and that Korneev is

an excellent worker?"

аааа "Rude," I prompted.

аааа "Rude,а butа excellent.а Andа where,а afterа all,а did the deadа parrot

disappear?"

аааа "Youа know what?"а said Eddie.а "This won't do.а Weа areа workingа like

dilettantes.а Like the authors of amateurа letters: СDear scientists-- it is

nowа two yearsа that thereа areа undergroundа thumps inа my basement. Please

explain how they originate.' Weа needа a systematic approach. Whereа is your

paper, Victor? We'll write it down at once."

аааа So we wrote it all down in Eddie's beautiful handwriting.

аааа In the first place we tookа it as a postulateа that what wasа happening

was not an hallucination; otherwise the whole thingа would be dull.а Next we

formulated questions whichа the sought-for-hypotheses would have toа answer.

The questionsа wereа divided intoа two groups: theа "parrot" groupа andа the

"Janus"а group.а The latter was introduced atа theа insistenceа of Roman and

Eddie, whoа declaredа that theyа sensed,а withа theirа innermostа innards, a

connection between the idiosyncrasies of the parrot and of Janus. They could

notа answer Korneev's question as toа theа physical meaningа of the concepts

"innards"а and "sensed," but underlinedа that Janus himself presented a most

curious subject for investigation, and, also,а that anа apple doesа not fall

far from theа apple tree. Inasmuch as I had no opinionа of my own, they were

in the majority and the final list of questions looked like this.

аааа Why did parrotsа numberа one, two,а and three,а observedа on the tenth,

eleventh, and twelfth respectively, look so much alike that we assumed them,

in theа beginning,а to be one andа the same?а Whyа did Janus burnа the first

parrot,а and alsoа probably the one beforeа number one (number zero)а and of

which only a feather remained? Where didа theа featherа go?а Whereа didа the

second (expired)а parrot go? How to account for the strange vocabulariesа of

the second and third parrots?а How to explain that the thirdа parrot knew us

all, althoughа we had seen it forа the first time? ("Why and of what did the

parrotsа die?" I would haveа added,а but Korneev growled, "Whyа and for what

reason is a bluish color the first sign of poisoning?"-- and my question was

not included.) What didа Janus and the parrots have in common? Why did Janus

not remember with whom and about what he conversed on the previous day. What

happened to Janus every midnight?а Why did Janus-U have the strange habit of

talkingа in the future tense, whileа nothing of the sortа hadа been observed

with Janus-A? Why,а finally, were there twoа of them, and whence,а actually,

cameа theаа beliefа thatа Janusаа Poluektovichа wasаа one,а personа inаа two

manifestations?

аааа After that we thought laboriously for someа time, constantly consulting

the list I kept hoping that a noble madness would again descend upon me, but

my thoughts scattered,а and the more I thought,а theа moreа Iа tended to the

viewpoint of Sanya Drozd: that in this Institute, anything at all, and worse

than that, happened regularly.а I understoodа that this cheap skepticism was

simply the result ofа my ignoranceа of and unfamiliarity with the categories

of thought associated with a changed world, but I couldn't help it. All that

had happened, Iа reasoned,а was trulyа remarkable only if one considered the

three or four parrots as being one and the same. They were actually so close

inа their resemblanceа that atа first I hadа been led astray. Thatа was only

natural. I was a mathematician, I respected numbers, and theirа coincidence,

especiallyа ofа sixа digits, wasа automaticallyа associatedа by me withа the

coincidence of the numbered object. However, it was clear thatа it could not

have been one and the same parrot. In that case the law of causeа and effect

would have had to be abrogated, and I was not about to renounce that law for

the sake of some scruffy parrots, someа of which had already expired. But if

it was not the same parrot, then the wholeа problem became more shallow. All

right, then,а the numbersа coincided. Then again, someone had thrown out the

corpse unbeknown to us. What elseа was there? The vocabulary?а So what about

the vocabulary ... ? For sure there was a very simple explanation.

аааа I was about ready toа give a speech on this theme whenа Victor suddenly

said, "Fellows, I think I am beginning to see!"

аааа We didn't say a word, we only turned toward him in a simultaneous rush.

Victor got up.

аааа "It'sа as simple as a pancake," he said. "It is trivial. It is flat and

banal. It's not even of sufficient interest to converse about."

аааа We were getting upа slowly. Iа had the same feeling asа in readingа the

last pages of a gripping mystery novel. All my skepticism somehow evaporated

instantly.

аааа "Countermotion!" stated Victor. Eddie sat down.

аааа "Countermotion?' saidа Roman.а "Let'sа seeа -а aha.,.."а He twisted his

fingers.а "So . . - uhuhа . .а . and -if so? Yes, it's understandable why he

knows us all. - -

аааа Roman made a wide welcoming gesture. "It means they come from there."

аааа "Andа that's why he asks what he talked about yesterday," Victor picked

up, "and the science-fiction vocabulary, too!"

аааа "Willа you wait!" I howled.а Theа last page of the mystery was writа in

Arabic. "Hold it! What countermotion?"

аааа "No," said Roman withа regret, and at onceа you could tellа by Victor's

expressionа that countermotion wouldn'tа workа out.а "It doesn't fit,"а said

Roman. "It's like a motion picture. ... Imagine a motion picture...

аааа "What motion picture?" I yelled. "Help!"

аааа "Moviesаа inаа reverse,"аа explainedаа Roman.аа "Doаа youаа understand?

Countermotion."

аааа "Dogа crap,"а said Victor, all upset, and lay down on the sofa with his

nose in his crossed arms.

аааа "True enough,а it doesn't fit,"а said Eddie,а also crushed. "Don'tа get

excited, Sasha: it doesn't work out anyway. Countermotion is simple movement

in timeа in the opposite direction. Like a neutrino. But the problem is that

ifа the parrot wasа a countermover, he'd be flyingа backward andа instead of

dyingа he'dа beа coming alive. -а . -а But, generally, it's a goodа idea.а A

parrot-countermover would indeedа know somethingа about space.а He wouldа be

living from theа future and into the past. And aа countermovingа Janus could

not, in fact, know what happened in our Сyesterday.' Because our Сyesterday'

would be his Сtomorrow.'

аааа "That's the point," said Victor. "That's what I thought:

аааа why did the parrot say that Oira-Oira was Сelderly'? And howа did Janus

so cleverly and in detail foretell, аon occasion, whatа would happenа on the

nextа day.а Doа youа rememberа theа incidentа on the polygon, Roman?а It all

suggested strongly that they were from the future

аааа "Listen. Is it really possible-- this countermotion?" I said.

аааа "Theoretically it is possible," said Eddie. "After all, half the matter

in the universe is moving in the oppositeа direction in time. Practically no

one has worked in that field."

аааа "Who needs it, and who could stand it?" Victor said gloomily.

аааа "Granted, it would be a wonderful experiment," noted Roman.

аааа "Notа an experiment, but a self-sacrifice,"а growled Victor.а "Whatever

you may think,а Iа feelа there isа somethingа involving countermotion in all

this. - . - I feel it in my innards."

аааа "Ah, yes, the innards!" said Roman and we all were quiet.

аааа While they were silent, I wasа feverishly addingа up all theа practical

evidence. If countermotion was theoretically possible then theoretically the

suspension of the lawа of cause and effect was alsoа possible. Actually, the

abrogation of the law was not involved as itа remained in effectа separately

both for the normal world and forа the world of the countermover. -а . - And

thisа meant that one could still postulate that there were not three or four

parrots,а butа only oneа and the same. What results? Onа theа morning of the

tenth it was lying dead in the petri dish. Afterward it was burned toа ashes

andа scattered on the wind. Nonetheless, on the morning ofа theа eleventh it

was again alive. Not only not burned to ashes, but wholeа and unhurt.а True,

it expired in the middle of the day and again wound up in the dish. This was

devilishly important!а I felt it was devilishly important-- the petri dish -

. - theа uniqueness of place - . - on the twelfth the parrot was again alive

and begged for sugar. - - - Thisа was notа countermotion, it was not aа film

running backward, but there was something of countermotion in it. ... Victor

was right. -- - For the countermover the sequence of events was:а the parrot

lives,а the parrot dies, the parrotа is burned. From ourа point ofа view, if

detailsа wereа discarded, itа cameа outа exactly in reverse:а the parrotа is

burned, the parrot dies, the parrot lives. - - - It's as though the film had

been cut in three places and was shown with the third piece first,а then the

second, and finally the first piece. - .а .а There were some kinds of breaks

ofа discontinuityаа -а .а -а discontinuityаа interruption.а .а -а pointsа of

discontinuity.

аааа "Fellows," I said,а my voice feeble. "Must countermotion be necessarily

continuous?"

аааа For a while they did notа react. Eddieа smoked, blowingа cloudsа at the

ceiling,а Victorа lay motionlessа on hisа stomach,а and Roman staredа atа me

vacuously. Then his eyes widened.

аааа "Midnight!" he said in a fearsome voice.

аааа They all jumped up.

аааа It was as though I had just driven in a decisive goal in a championship

soccer game.а They were all over me, smacking me on my cheeks, theyа pounded

meа onа myа neck andа shoulders,а theyа threw me on the sofaа andа fell down

themselves.

аааа "Genius," howled Eddie.

аааа "What a head," roared Roman.

аааа "And here I thought we had an imbecile in you!" added the rude Korneev.

аааа Then we quieted down and everything proceeded as smooth as butter.

аааа First Roman announced, out of a clear blue sky, thatа now he understood

the mystery of the Tunguska meteorite. He desired to impart it to us at once

and we concurred gladly, paradoxical as this might sound. We were not in any

hurry to approach that which intrigued us theа most. No, we were in no hurry

whatsoever! We were gourmets.

аааа We did notа attack theа delicacies. We inhaled the aroma,а we rolled up

ourа eyes and smacked ourа lips,а we rubbed our hands, we stalked around, we

anticipated....

аааа "Let us finallyа shed a trueа light,"а began Romanа inа an ingratiating

tone,а "on theа snarled problem of theа Tungusа marvel.а Priorа toа us, this

problem has beenа tackled byа persons absolutely devoid ofа imagination. All

theseа comets,а antimatter meteorites, auto-exploding nuclear ships, various

cosmic clouds, and quantum generators-- it's all too banal, and consequently

far from the truth. As for me,а the Tungusа meteorite was always the ship of

cosmic wanderers and I always supposed thatа it could never be found onа the

site ofа the explosion simplyа becauseа itа wasа longа gone.а Until today, I

thought that the fall of the Tungus meteorite was not the landing of a ship,

but itsа departure. And even this roughed-out theory explained a great deal.

The concept ofа discrete countermotion allows us to finish this problem once

and for all.

аааа "What didа happen onа the thirtiethа ofа June,а 1908, in theа region of

Podkammenaia Tunguska? About the middle of July ofа the same year, theа ship

ofа the aliens enteredа circumsolar space.а But theyа were notа theа simple,

artlessа aliensа ofа science-fiction novels.а Theyа wereа countermovers,а my

friends. People whoа had arrivedа in our world from anotherа universeа where

timeа flows inа the opposite direction ofа ours. As a result ofа theа mutual

interaction of theа oppositeа time flows,а they hadа becomeа convertedа from

ordinaryа countermovers,а who perceivedа ourа universeа asа a аfilmа running

backward,а intoа countermoversа ofа theа discrete type. Theа nature ofа such

discreteness does not concern us at this time.а What isа ofа significance is

another aspect ofа theа matter. The important thingа is that in our universe

life for them became subject to a definite rhythmic cycle.

аааа "Ifа you assume for the sakeа of simplicity that theirа unit cycleа was

equal to anа Earth day, thenа their existence wouldа look like this from our

point of view. On the firstа of July, let'sа say,а theyа live, work, and eat

just asа we do. But exactly at, say, midnight, they andа all their equipment

passа not into the secondа of July,а as we ordinary mortals do, but into the

very start of June the thirtieth; that is, one momentа forwardа and two days

backward, if you considerа itа from our viewpoint. Exactlyа the same way, at

the end of June thirtieth, they pass not into the first of July but into

аааа the very beginning of June the twenty-ninth. And so forth.

аааа "Findingа themselvesа inа closeа proximity to Earth,а our countermovers

discoveredаа toа theirа amazement,а assumingа theyа hadа notа discoveredа it

previously, thatа the Earth was performing strange leaps in its orbit, which

leapsа madeа astrogation extremelyа difficult.а Further, findingа themselves

aboveа theа Earthа onа theа firstа of July, according to our calendar,а they

observed a hugeа fire in the very center of the gigantic Eurasian continent,

whose smokeа they hadа previously seen--а on the second, third, and so on of

Julyа in our time.а Theа cataclysmа inа itself interestedа them,а butа their

scientific curiosity wasа thoroughlyа aroused,а when on theа morning ofа the

thirtieth of June-- in our time-frame-- they noticed that there was not even

a vestige of anyа fire at all and a serene sea of green taiga was stretching

belowа them. The intriguedа captain ordered a landing in the very same place

where heа had observed the day before--а in his time-frame, and with his own

eyes-- the epicenter of theа fiery catastrophe. From that time on everything

proceeded as expected. Relays clicked, screens flickered,а planetary engines

(in which k-gamma-plasmoin was exploding) roared."

аааа "How's that again?" asked Victor.

аааа "K-gamma-plasmoin. Or,а say, mu-delta-ionoplast.а Theа shipа wrapped in

flamesа fell into the taiga, and, naturally,а ignited it. Itа wasа precisely

thisа scene which wasа observedа byа Karelinskа peasants,а whoа subsequently

enteredа historyа asа eyewitnesses. The fireа was awful.а Theа countermovers

looked tentativelyа outside, wereа intimidated andа decided toа wait itа out

behind their fire-resistant screens and alloys. Until midnight they listened

withа trepidationа to the fierce roaring andа crackling of theа flames,а and

exactlyа atаа midnightа everything ааbecameа still.а Andаа noа wonder.аа The

countermoversа entered their newа day--а theа twenty-ninthа ofа June onа our

calendar. The courageous captain, with infiniteа precautions, decidedа about

two hours later to exit the ship and saw magnificent conifers calmly swaying

in the brilliant light of hisа searchlights. He was immediately subjected to

attack by clouds ofа bloodsucking insects, known as mosquitoes and midges in

our terminology."

аааа Roman stopped to catch his breath and lookedа around at us. We liked it

very much.а We anticipated, how,а inа the same way,а we would crack open the

mystery of the parrot.

аааа "The subsequent fate of theа couutermoverа wanderers," continued Roman,

"should be of no interest to L15. It may be that, on about theа fifteenth of

June,ааа theyааа quietlyааа andааа noiselessly,аааа usingааа noninfiammatory

alpha-beta-gamma-anti-gravitation thisа time, tookа offа fromа theа peculiar

planet and went home. Maybe theyа all perished, poisoned by mosquito saliva,

and their cosmic ship remained stuck on ourа planet,а sinking into the abyss

ofа time,а andа the Silurian Sea, where trilobitesа crawledа over its wreck.

Neitherа is itа impossible that sometime in 1906 or possiblyа 1901а aа taiga

hunterа may have stumbledа upon it and told his friends about it forа a long

time afterward. They in turn, even asа they should, didn't believe him worth

a damn.

аааа "Inа concluding my modest presentation, I will permit myself to express

my sympathy for the courageous explorers who attemptedа inа vain to discover

something worthwhile in theа region of Podkammenaia Tunguska.а Mesmerized by

the obvious, they were interestedа only inа what happened in the taiga after

the explosion and none of them were interested in what had happened before."

аааа Roman coughed to clear his throat and drank a mug of the water-of-life.

аааа "Does anybody have any questions for the lecturer?" inquired Eddie. "No

questions? Fine! Let us revert to the parrots. Who is asking for the floor?"

аааа Everybodyа askedа forа the floor. Andа everyoneа started speaking. Even

Roman, who was slightlyа hoarse. We tore the list with questions out of each

other'sа hands and crossed out one question after another, soа that, in less

than half an hour, there was constructed a thoroughly clear and scrupulously

detailed picture of the observed events.

аааа In 1841, in the family ofа a landlord of moderate means, who was also a

reserveа lieutenantа inа theа army,а byа the name ofа Poluektа Chrisanovitch

Nevstruev, there was born a son. He wasа named Janus, inа honor of a distant

relativeа by theа name of Janusа Poluektovich Nevstruev,а who had accurately

predicted the sex and also theа day and even the hour of the infant's birth.

This relative, a quiet, retiring old man,а moved to the reserve lieutenant's

estate soonа afterа theа Napoleonic invasionа andа lived in the guest house,

devoting himselfа toа scientific endeavors. He was somewhatа peculiar, as is

appropriateа for a scientist, withа many idiosyncrasies, but became attached

toа hisа godsonа and didn't leave himа for aа minute, constantly feeding him

knowledge of mathematics, chemistry, andа other sciences. It couldа beа said

that thereа was notа aа single dayа in the life of the younger Ianus without

Janus the elder, and it was probably due toа this that he didn't notice what

was aа subject of wonder to others: that the old man not only grew no older,

but toа theа contrary,а became apparently stronger and more vigorous. Toward

theа end ofа the century the old Janus introduced the younger into the final

mysteries of analytical, relativistic, and general magic.а They continued to

live and workа side by side, taking part inа allа the wars andа revolutions,

suffering withа stoic courageа all the reversesа of history, until they came

finally to the Scientific Research Institute of Thaumaturgy and Spellcraft.

аааа To beа honest,а thisа wholeа introductory part was entirely a fictional

invention. Aboutа the pastа of theа Januses we knew butа one fact: that J.P.

Nevstruevа wasа bornа onа the seventhа ofа March,а 1841. How andа whenа J.P.

Nevstruev became the director of the Institute was completely unknown to us.

We didn't even know who was the first to guess, and gave away, the fact that

Janus-U and Janus-A were one and theа same manа in two persons. I learned of

thisа fromа Oira-Oiraа and believedа it becauseа Iа couldn't understandа it.

Oira-Oira learned it from Giacomo and also believed because he was young and

exalted. A charwomanа told it to Korneevа and Korneev thenа decided that the

fact itself was soа trivial as not to meritа anyа examination. Eddie, on the

other hand, heardа Savaof Baalovich and Feodor Simeonovich talking about it.

Eddieа was then aа juniorа technicianа and generally believed inа everything

except God.

аааа Andа so, the past of the Januses appeared extremely hazy to us. But the

future weа knew quite accurately.а Janus-A,а whoа wasа nowа busierа with the

affairsа ofа the Instituteа thanа with science,а would, in theа near future,

become entranced with theа idea of practical countermotion. Heа would devote

hisа lifeа toа it.а He wouldа acquireа a friend-- a small green parrot named

Photon,а which wouldа be aа gift to him from famousа Russianа cosmonauts. It

would occur on the nineteenth of May of either 1973 or 2073-- that's how the

foxy Eddie deciphered the mysterious number 190573 on the ring. Most likely,

soonа afterа thatа date, Janusа wouldа attainа hisа goalа andа convertа into

countermovers bothа himself and the parrot, who would, of course, be sitting

onа hisа shoulderа beggingа forа sugar.а Preciselyа atа thatа moment, ifа we

understood anything atа all about counter-motion, futureа mankindа wouldа be

deprived of Janusа Poluektovich; but inа return, theа past would acquire two

Januses,а since Janus-Aа wouldа turn into Janus-Uа and would begin toа glide

backwardа on the axis of time. They would meet every day, but it would never

enter the mind of Janus-A to suspect anything out of the ordinary because he

had become accustomed, from his cradle, to the kindlyа wrinkledа face of his

relative and teacher. And every night, exactly at midnight, exactly atа zero

hours, zero-zeroа minutes, zero-zero seconds,а and zero-zeroа tertia*, local

time, Janus-A would transit, as we all doа from today's nightа into tomorrow

morning, whileа Janus-U and his parrot, in that same moment equal to a micro

quantum of time, would transit from our present rightа into ourа yesterday's

morning.

аааа That was why the parrots one, two, and three were so similar: they were

simplyа oneа and theа same parrot.а Poor old Photon.а Perhapsа heа hadа been

overcome by old age or maybe he had caught a cold in the draft and had flown

to hisа favoriteа balanceа inа Roman'sа laboratory to die. Heа diedа and his

aggrieved ownerа madeа him aа fiery funeral and scattered hisа ashesа to the

wind, doing so because heа didn't realizeа how dead countermovers behave. Or

perhaps precisely because he did know.а Naturally, we viewed this as a movie

with reversed sections.

аааа Onа theа ninth,а Roman findsа the remainingа featherа inа theа furnace.

Photon's corpse is already gone; itа was burned tomorrow. On the morrow, the

tenth, Roman finds itа in the petri dish. Janus-U finds the corpse and burns

it thenа and thereа in the furnace.а The feather,а whichа escaped cremation,

remains in the furnace to the end of the day; and at midnight jumps into the

ninth. Onа the morning ofа the eleventh,а Photon is alive,а although already

sickly.а The parrot expires before ourа eyes underа theа scales (on which it

will be so happy toа sit now) and the simple-souledа Sanya Drozd putsа it in

the dish, whereа the deceasedа willа lieа tillа midnight, will jump into the

morning ofа the tenth, will be found there by Janus-U, burnedа and scattered

to theа winds, but its featherа will remain toа beа found by Roman.а Onа the

morning of theа twelfth, Photon is alive and well and has an interviewа with

Korneev, asking for sugar;а butа at midnight the birdа wiltа jumpа intoа the

morning of the One-sixtieth of a second.а eleventh when itа willа sicken and

die, and will be placed in the petri dish; but at midnight it will jump into

theа morning of theа tenth, will be burned and scattered, but a feather will

remain behind,а which at midnight will jump intoа the morning of theа ninth,

will be found by Romanа and thrownа in the wastebasket.а On theа thirteenth,

fourteenth, and fifteenth, and so on, much to our joy, Photon will be happy,

talkative,а andа we'll beа spoilingа it, feeding it sugarа and pepper seeds,

while Janus-U willа beа comingа around to inquireа whether he is interfering

with our work. Employingа the word-associationа technique, we should be able

to learn a great many curious facts from him concerning the cosmic expansion

of mankind and, doubtlessly, our own personal futures.

аааа When we arrived at this point in ourа discussion, Eddie suddenly became

gloomyа and announced that he didn't appreciate Photon'sа insinuations about

his, Amperian's, untimely demise.а Korneev, toа whom any empathetic tact was

foreign,аа remarkedа thatа anyаа deathа wasа inevitablyа untimelyа andа that

nonetheless we'd all getа to it sooner or later. Anyway,а Roman said, it was

possible the parrot loved him more than anyoneа else and remembered only his

death. Eddie understood that he had a chance to die later than all of us and

his mood improved.

аааа However, theа talk aboutа death channeledа ourа thoughts into aа dismal

direction. All of us-- except, of course, Korneev-- beganа to feel sorry for

Janus-U. Truly, if one thought about it, his situation was horrible.а First,

he represented an example of tremendous scientific selflessness,а because he

was practically deprived of theа possibility toа exploitа theа fruits of his

labor. Further, he had no bright future whatsoever. We were movingа toward a

world of reason and brotherhood, and he,а with each passing day, went toward

Bloody Nicholas, serfdom, the shooting on Sennaya Square, and--а who knew?--

maybe toward all kindsа of repressive governments and torture. And somewhere

in the depths ofа time, onа the waxed parquet floorа of the Saint Petersburg

Academicа deа Science, he wouldа beа metа on a fine day by a colleague inа a

powdered wig--а a colleague who forа a whole week hadа been scrutinizing him

peculiarly-- and who now would exclaim in surprise, throw up hisа hands, and

mutter with horror inа his eyes,а "Herr Neffstroueff! How canа it be?а Fwhen

yesterday they printed in СNotices' that you hat passet away from a stroke?"

And he wouldа have to tell ofа a twin brotherа and false reporting,а knowing

full well and understanding only too correctly what that conversation meant.

аааа "Cutа itа out," saidа Korneev.а "You are too maudlin. In return for all

that he knows the future. He's been there, where we still have a long way to

go. And he may know exactly when we will all die."

аааа "That's a completely different matter," Eddie said sadly.

аааа "It's hardа on the old man," said Roman. "See to it that youа treat him

more gently and warmly in the future. Especially you, Victor. You are always

the wise guy."

аааа "So why does he always pester me?" Victor hit back.

аааа "СWhat did we talk about and where did we see each other . . . ?'"

 

аааа "Soа nowа youа knowа why he pesters you, andа youа can conduct yourself

decently."

аааа Victorа scowledа andа started toа examineа the list of questions with a

great show of concentration.

аааа "Weа haveа toа explainа everythingа inа moreа detail to him,"а Iа said.

"Everything we know. We have to predict his near future to him constantly."

аааа "Yes, devil take it!" said Roman. "He broke his leg this winter, on the

ice.

аааа "It has to be prevented," I said decisively.

аааа "What?"а asked Roman. "Do youа understand whatа youа are saying? It has

been healed for a long time. . .

аааа "But it has not been broken yet-- for him," contradicted Eddie.

аааа For several minutes he tried to comprehend the whole thing.

аааа Victor said suddenly, "Wait a minute! And how about this? One question,

my dear chums, has not been crossed out."

аааа "Which?"

аааа "Where did the feather go?"

аааа "What do youа mean, where?" said Roman. "Itа transited into the eighth.

And on the eighth, I had coincidentally used the furnace to melt an alloy. .

.

аааа "And so what does that mean?"

аааа "But I did throw it into the wastebasket. - . . I did not see it on the

eighth, seventh, sixth . . hmm. . . Where did it go?"

аааа "The charwoman threw it out," I offered.

аааа "As a matter of fact it would be interesting to cogitate on that," said

Eddie. "Assume that no oneа incinerated it. How should it appear through the

centuries?"

аааа "Thereа areа items of more interest,"а said Victor. "For instance, what

happensа toа Janus'sа shoesа whenа heа wearsа themа toа theа dayа theyа were

manufacturedа at the shoe factory? And what happens to the food heа eats for

supper? And again . . ?

аааа Butа we were too tired to continue. Weа argued a littleа more, and then

Sanya Drozd came along, evicted us from the sofa, switched on his radio, and

got around to scrounging for two rubles.

аааа "I need some bread," he droned.

аааа "We don't have any," we replied.

аааа "So it's the last you have; can't you let me have some .. .

аааа Furtherа discussion became impossibleа andа we decided toа goа and have

dinner.

аааа "After allа is said andа done," said Eddie,а "our hypothesisа is not so

fantastic. Perhaps the fate of Janus is even more astounding."

аааа Thatа would be quite possible, weа thought, and departed for the dining

room.

аааа I ran in to Electronicsа to let them know that I'd gone to have dinner.

In the hall I bumped into Janus-U, who looked at meа attentively, smiled for

some reason, and asked if we had met yesterday.

аааа "No, Janus Poluektovich," I said. "We did not see each other yesterday.

Yesterday you were not at the Institute.а Yesterday, Janus Poluektovich, you

flew to Moscow first thing in the morning."

аааа "Ah yes," he said. "It had slipped my mind."

аааа Heа was smilingа atа me in such anа affectionate way, that I made up my

mind.а It was a littleа presumptuousа of me, of course, butа I knew for sure

that Janus Poluektovich was kindly disposed toward me lately, and this meant

thatа noа unpleasantness could occurа betweenа us now.а And Iа asked softly,

looking around cautiously, "Janus Poluektovich,а may Iа be permitted toа ask

you one question?"

аааа Raising hisа eyebrows, he regarded me thoughtfullyа for some time,а and

then,а apparentlyа remembering something, said,а "Pleaseа do.а Oneа question

only?"

аааа Iа understood that he wasа right. Itа allа wouldn'tа fit into justа one

question. Wouldа thereа beа a war? Wouldа I amount toа something? Wouldа the

recipe for universal happiness be found? Would the last fool die someday?

аааа I said, "Could I come to see you tomorrow morning?"

аааа Heа shookа his head, and replied,а withа what seemed to beа a touchа of

perverse enjoyment, "No. It is quite impossible, Tomorrow morning, Alexander

Ivanovich, you willа be called by the Kitezhgrad plant, andа I willа have to

approve your trip."

аааа I felt stupid.а There wasа something degrading aboutа this determinism,

deliveringа me,а an independent person with freeа will,а toа totally defined

stepsа and actionsа outsideа ofа myа control. Andа it was not a questionа of

whetherа Iа wantedа toа goа toа Kitezhgrad orа not. Itа wasа aа questionа of

inevitability. Now I couldа not dieа or get sick, or actа up ("up to getting

fired"). I was fated, and for the first time, I grasped the terrible meaning

of this word. I had always known that it was bad to he fated to execution or

blindness,а forа example. But to be fated to the loveа of the most wonderful

girl inа the world, toа a round-the-world voyage, and to the Kitezhgrad trip

(where, incidentally, I had raredа to goа for theа pastа threeа months) also

provedа to beа most unsettling. Theа knowledge of theа futureа now presented

itself to me in an entirely new light.

аааа "It's bad to read aа goodа book fromа its end, isn'tа it?"а saidа Janus

Poluektovich,а watchingаа meа frankly.а "Asа toа yourа questions,а Alexander

Ivanovich . . . try to understand, Alexander Ivanovich, that a single future

does not exist for everyone.а They are many,а andа eachа one of your actions

createsа oneа ofа them.а Youа willа comeа toа understandаа that,"а heаа said

convincingly. "Very definitely, you will understand it."

аааа Later I did indeed understand it.

аааа But that's really an altogether different story.

 

 

Epilogue and Commentary

 

 

аааа A short epilogue and commentary

аааа by the head of the SRITS computing laboratory,

аааа junior scientist A.I. Privalov.

 

 

аааа The subject sketches about life in the Scientific Research Institute of

Thaumaturgyа andа Spellcraftа are not, in myа view, realistic in theа strict

sense of the word. Nevertheless they possess certain virtuesа that favorably

distinguish them fromа the analogous works of G. Perspicaciov and B. Pupilov

and consequently permit their recommendation to a wide circle of readers.

аааа First of all it should be noted that the authors were able toа perceive

theа situation and to distinguishа that which isа progressive in the work of

theа Institute from the conservative. The sketches doа not evoke the kind of

irritation that oneа experiences whenа readingа adulatory articles about the

hackа tricksа ofа Vibegalloа orаа theа enrapturedа transliterationsа ofа the

irresponsible prognosticationsа fromа the Departmentа of Absolute Knowledge.

Further, it is a pleasure to note the correct attitude of the authors to the

magus asа a аhuman being.а For them, the magusа is not anа object of fearful

admirationа and adulation, butа neitherа is heа theа irritating film fool, a

person out of this world who is constantly losing his glasses,а is incapable

of punching a hooligan in the face, and readsа excerptsа from.а Difterential

and integral Equations to the girl inа love. All this means that the authors

hadа assumed the properа attitude toward their subject. Theа authorsа should

alsoа beа given credit for presenting theа Instituteа environmentа fromа the

viewpointа of a novice and for not missing theа profound correlation between

the laws of magic andа the laws of administration. As to the shortcomings of

theа sketches,а theа preponderantа majority of themа are theа result ofа the

fundamental humanitarianа orientationа ofа theа authors. Beingа professional

writers, theyа time and again show a predilection for the so-called artistic

verity to the so-called verity of facts.а Also, beingа professional writers,

andа just asа the majority of writers, they areа insistentlyа emotionalа and

pitifully ignorantа inа matters of modernа magic. While in no way protesting

the publication of these sketches, I feel nevertheless impelled to point out

certain concrete errors and inaccuracies.

аааа I. The title of the sketches, it seemsа to me, does not correspond with

their content. Usingа the title Monday Begins on Saturday, which is indeed a

widespread saying among us, the authors apparently wished to state thatа the

magiа work withoutа respite evenа when they are resting. In realityа such is

almost the case.а But it is not evident in theа sketches. The authors became

excessively entranced by theа exotic aspects of our activities and succumbed

to the temptation to proffer the more adventurous and exciting episodes. The

adventures of the spirit, which constitute the essence of life in any magus,

were given almost no expression in theа sketches. Of course, I don't include

here the last chapter of Part Three, where the authors did attempt to depict

the labor ofа the mind, but based themselvesа on the ungratefulа medium of a

ratherа dilettantishа and elementary problem inа logic. (Incidentally, I had

expoundedа my viewpoint on this question to theа authors, but theyа shrugged

their shoulders and said,а in something of a pique, that I took the sketches

too seriously.)

аааа 2. The aforementioned ignorance of the problems ofа magic as aа science

playsа nasty jokes on theа authors throughout the entire length of the book.

As,а for example,а in formulatingа the M.F. Redkin dissertation theme,а they

admittedа fourteen (!) errors. Theа weighty termа "hyperfield,"а whichа they

obviously liked veryа much, is inserted improperly intoа the textа overа and

over again.а Apparentlyа it'sа beyondа theirа kenа that theа sofa-translator

radiates not an M-field, but a Mu-field; thatа theа term "water-of-life" had

gone out of usage two centuries ago; that the mysterious apparatus under the

name of "aquavitometer" and a computerа by the name of "Aldan" do notа exist

inа nature;а that the head of aа computation laboratoryа veryа seldom checks

programs-- forа which purpose there are programmer-mathematicians (ofа which

weа have two, whom theа authors stubbornly persistа inа callingа girls). The

description of materialization exercises in the first chapter of Part Two is

done in a repugnant manner: examples of wild terminology that must remain on

theа conscienceа of theа authorsа include,а "vector magistatum" andа "Auers'

incantation."аа Theаа Stokesаа equationа hasаа noаа bearingа whatsoeverаа on

materialization andа Saturn could in no way be in the constellation of Libra

at that time. (Thisа last lapse, particularly,а is all the more unforgivable

sinceа I wasа given to understand that one of the authors is aа professional

astronomer.) * The listа of theseа kinds ofа inaccuracies andа incongruities

could be extended with no great exertion, but I refrain from doing so, since

the authors categorically refused to change a single item. They also refused

to expunge the terminologyа thatа they did not understand: one said thatа it

was necessary for the ambience, and theа other-- that itа adds color. I was,

by the way, forced to agreeа that theа preponderant majorityа of the readers

could not distinguish theа correct from the erroneousа terminology, and also

that no matterа what terminologyа wasа employed, noа reasonable reader would

believe it anyway.

аааа 3.а The pursuit of the above-mentioned artistic verity (as expressed by

oneа of the authors)а and character developmentа (as expressed by the other)

has led to a considerable distortion of the images of the real people taking

part in the story.а As a matter ofа generalа fact, the authors areа inclined

towardа aа certainа belittlement of heroesа and, consequently,а some sort of

believabilityа hasа beenа achieved by them,а possibly only inа theа caseа of

Vibegallo, and to some extent with Cristobal Juntaа (I am notа countingа the

episodic projectionа ofа theа vampireа Alfred,а who indeedа has emerged more

successfully than anyone else). For example, the authors assert that Korneev

is rude and imagine that the reader can construct anа adequate perception of

this rudeness for himself. Yes, Korneev is indeed rude. But it isа precisely

forа thisа reason that Korneev, asа described, appears as a "semitransparent

inventor" (inа theа terminologyа of the authors themselves) as compared with

theа realа Korneev.а Theа sameа appliesа to theа legendaryа politeness of B,

Amperian.а R.P. Oira-Oira isа completely fleshless in the sketches, although

in the veryа period described, he was divorcing his second wife and expected

to marry for the third time.а The adducedа examples are probably adequate to

keep the readerа from lending too much credence to myа own portrayal inа the

stories.

аааа The authors had requested that I explain certain incomprehensible terms

andа little-knownа namesа encounteredа inа the book.а In responding toа this

requestа I have encountered definite difficulties. Naturally I do not intend

toа explainа theа terminology thoughtа up by theа authorsа ("aquavitometer,"

"temporalа transmission," and the like). But Iа don'tа think it would beа of

muchа useа toа explainа theа realа terminologyа whenа itа demandsа extensive

specialized knowledge. It is, forа instance, impossible to explain theа term

"hyperfield" to a person who isа poorly oriented in theа theoryа of physical

vacuum.а The term "transvection"а isа evenа more pregnantа and, furthermore,

different schools employ it in different senses. In brief, I have restricted

myself to commentariesа on those names, terms, and concepts that are, on the

one hand, fairly widely known, and onа the other, have wide applicationа and

specific meaning in our work. Further, I haveа commented on someа words that

don'tа have aа direct relationshipа toа magic, but which,а in my view, could

confound the reader.

 

 

а

____________

аааа *True. (Translator)

 

 

 

GLOSSARY

 

 

аааа Afreet:а Aа variationа ofа theа jinn.аа Asа aа ruleа theа afreetsаа are

well-preservedа doublesа ofа theа mostаа famousа Arabianа generals.а Atа the

Institute,а they are used by M.M.а Kamnoedovа in the roleа of armed security

guards,а asа theyа areа distinguishedа fromа otherа jinnsа byа beingа highly

disciplined. The fire-throwing mechanismа of theа afreets has notа been well

investigatedа andа itа isа hardlyа likelyа that anyoneа willа ever studyа it

thoroughly, because nobody needs it.

 

аааа Anacephalon:а Aа congenitallyа deformedа individualа withoutа brainа or

cranium. Typically, anacephalons die at birth or a few hours later.

 

аааа Augurs-K: Priests in ancient Rome who foretold the future by the flight

ofа birds andа theirа behavior.а The great majority ofа themа were conscious

confidence men. This applies in considerable measureа to the augersа inа the

Institute, although they have now developed new methods.

 

аааа Basilisk:а Mythological monster with the body of a rooster and the tail

ofа a snake,а which killsа with itsа gaze. Inа actuality, anа almost extinct

lizard covered with feathers and the precursor of the archaeopteryx. Capable

of hypnosis. Two exemplars are maintained in the Institute's vivarium.

 

аааа Beczalel, Leoа Ben: A well-known medieval magician, royal alchemistа of

Emperor Rudolph II.

 

аааа Brownie:а Aа certainа kind ofа supernaturalа creatureа inhabitingа each

occupied house, according to the imagination of theа superstitious. There is

nothing supernatural about brownies. Theyа are either magi whoа have sunk to

theа lowest depthsа and areа not amenableа to reeducation, orа mixedа breeds

resulting from the unions of gnomes withа domestic animals. At the Institute

they areа under the administration ofа Kamnoedov andа are usedа as unskilled

labor.

 

аааа Danaides: In Greek mythology the criminal daughters of King Danaus, who

killedа their husbands at his behest. At first,а the Danaides were sentenced

toа fill a bottomless vessel withа water. Subsequently, following an appeal,

theа court tookа into accountа thatа theyа wereа married under duress.а This

mitigatingаа circumstanceа permittedа theirа transferа toа aа somewhatа less

nonsensicalа occupation. At the Institute they now break up asphalt wherever

they themselves had recently laid it.

 

аааа Demon, Maxwell's: An important element in the mental experiment ofа the

great Englishа physicist Maxwell. Intended for an assaultа on the second law

of thermodynamics. Inа Maxwell's mental experiment, the demon is placed next

to an apertureа in a dividingа partition betweenа the two compartmentsа of a

vessel filledа withа movingа molecules.а Theа work of the demon consistsа of

allowing fast molecules to move from one compartment into theа other, and to

slam theа door shut in the face of slow molecules.а The ideal demon isа thus

ableа toа createа aа very highа temperatureа onа oneа side andа aа veryа low

temperatureа onа theа otherа side of theа partition, without doing any work,

realizingа a perpetual engineа of the second order.а But only very recently,

and only in our Institute, has it been possibleа to find and put such demons

to work.

 

аааа Dracula, Count: Theа celebratedа Hungarian vampireа of theа seventeenth

through nineteenth centuries. Never was aа count.а Committedа aа greatа many

crimes against humanity. Was caught by the hussars and ceremoniously pierced

withа an aspenа stake in theа presenceа of aа largeа assemblageа ofа people.

Distinguished forа a tremendous power of survival: the autopsy disclosed one

and one half kilograms of silver bullets in his body.

 

аааа Gianа Ben Gian: Either an ancient inventor or anа ancient warrior.а His

nameа isа always associatedа withа theа conceptа ofа aа shieldа andа isа not

encountered separately. (For example, it isа mentioned inа The Temptation of

St. Anthony by Flaubert.)

 

аааа Gnome:аа Foundа inа Westаа Europeanа tales--а anа uglyа dwarfа guarding

underground treasures. I have spoken with someа ofа the gnomes.а They are in

fact ugly and are in fact dwarfs, but as to treasures, they have never heard

of them.а The majority of gnomes are forgottenа and considerablyа desiccated

doubles.

 

аааа Golem: One ofа the firstа cybernetic robots,а made of clay byа Leoа Ben

Beczalel. (See, for example, the Czech comedy The Emperor's Baker; its golem

bears a good resemblance to a real one.

 

аааа Theаа Hammerаа ofа Witches:аа Anа ancientа manualа ofа instructionsа on

interrogation of the third degree. Was developed andа applied by the clerics

especiallyа for exposingа witches.а Hasа been rescindedа inа modern times as

obsolete.

 

аааа Incubus: A variation of resuscitated corpses,а which have a tendency to

enter into wedlock with the living. Doа not exist. In theoreticalа magic the

termа "incubus" is usedа in an entirely different sense; as a measure of the

negative energy of a living organism.

 

аааа Jinn: Evil spirit of Arabian andа Persian myths.а Almost all theа jinns

are doubles of Kingа Solomon and the magi of his times. Used in military and

political hooliganismа applications. Distinguished by a repulsive character,

gall,а andа totalа absenceа of a sense ofа gratitude.а Theirа ignoranceа and

aggressiveа behavior isа so unbearable that all areа now imprisoned.а Widely

usedа inа modernа magicа asа testа specimens.а Inа particular,а E.а Amperian

determined, based on material obtained from thirteen jinns, the quantityа of

evil that a nasty ignoramus can inflict on a society.

 

аааа Levitation: The ability to fly without any mechanical contrivances. The

levitation of birds, bats, and insects is well known.

 

аааа Oracle: In the belief of the ancients, a meansа of communication by the

gods withа men: the flight of birds (used by augurs), the rustling of trees,

the dreams of a prophet, and so forth. Also theа place where prophecies were

made. "Theа Solovetz Oracle" isа a smallа dark room. It has been planned for

several years to install a large computer there for minor prophecies.

 

аааа Phantom:а A ghost, aа spook.а In modernа view it isа a condensationа of

necrobiotic information. Phantoms excite a superstitious horror, though they

are entirely harmless. In the Institute they areа used forа the verification

of historic truth, although they cannot be legal witnesses.

 

аааа Pythia: A priestess, aа prophetess in ancient Greece. Prophesiedа after

breathingа poisonous fumes. Pythiasа do not practice atа the Institute. They

smoke aа greatа deal andа restrict themselvesа to theа studyа of the general

theory of prediction.

 

аааа Ramapithecus:а Inа contemporaryа view,аа theа immediateаа precursorа of

pithecanthropus on the evolutionary ladder.

 

аааа Segure,а Richard:а The heroа ofа theа phantasmicа story "The Mystery of

Richard Segure," the discover of threedimensionai photography.

 

аааа The Starа of Solomon: In world literature, a magical sign inа the shape

of a six-pointed star, possessing powerful thaumaturgical properties. In the

present time,а as withа most other geometrically based incantations,а it has

lost its potency and is useful only for frightening the illiterate.

 

аааа Taxidermist:а Aа stufferа ofа figures.а I recommended this term toа the

authors because C.J. Junta becomes infuriated when called by that name.

 

аааа Tertium: One-sixtieth of a second.

 

аааа Upanishads: Ancient Hindu commentaries on the four sacred books.

 

аааа Vampire:а Blood-sucking corpseа ofа folklore. In reality,а vampires are

magi who,а for one reason or another, have taken the path ofа abstract evil.

The tried-and-true remedy for them is the wooden stake and bullets cast from

virgin silver. In the text the word is used loosely.

 

аааа Werefolkа orа Shape-Changers: Peopleа capableа ofа turning into certain

animals: such as wolfа (werewolf), fox (kitzuneh),а and theа like. Forа some

reason they excite horror in the superstitious.а V.P. Korneev, for instance,

turned into a rooster when he had a toothache and immediately felt relieved.

 

аааа Zombiа (alsoа Cadaver):а Generallyа speaking,а anа unlivingа object:а a

portrait, statue, idol,а scarecrow. (See,а for example, Count Cagliostroа by

A.N.а Tolstoi.)а Oneа ofа theа firstа zombisа in history was theа well-known

Galatea, the work of the sculptor Pygmalion. Not usedа in modern magic. As a

ruleа they areа phenomenallyа stupid,а capricious,а hysterical,а andа almost

unresponsiveа toа training.а Inа theа Institute,а unsuccessfulа doublesа and

doublelike colleagues are sometimes ironically called cadavers.

аа