Grimmelshausen H.J.K. Simpleton

BOOK III

Edited by Anna Grau

Chap. I.:HOW THE HUNTSMAN WENT TOO FAR TO THE LEFT HAND

The gentle reader will have understood by the foregoing book how ambitious I had become in Soest, and that I had sought and found honour, fame, and favour in deeds which in others had deserved punishment.And now will I tell how through my folly I let myself be further led astray, and so lived in constant danger of life and limb; for I was so busied to gain honour and fame that I could not sleep by reason of it, and being full of such fancies, and lying awake many a night to devise new plots and plans, I had many wondrous conceits.In this wise I contrived a kind of shoes that a man could put on hind part before, so that the heel came under his toes: and of these at mine own cost I caused thirty different pairs to be made, and when I had given these out to my fellows and with them went on a foray, ‘twas clean impossible to follow our tracks: for now would we wear these, and now again our right shoes on our feet, and the others in our knapsacks.So that if a man came to a place where I had bidden them change shoes, ‘twas for all the world, by the tracks, as if two parties had met together there and together had vanished away.But if I kept these invented shoes on throughout, it seemed as I had gone thither whence in truth I had come, or had come from the place to which I now went.And besides this, my tracks were at all times confused, as in a maze, so that they who should pursue or seek news of me from the footprints could never come at me.Often I was close by a party of the enemy who were minded to seek me far away: and still more often miles away from some thicket which they had surrounded, and were searching in hopes to find me.And as I managed with my parties on foot, so did I also when we were on horseback: for to me ‘twas simple enough to dismount at cross-roads and forked ways and there have the horses’ shoes set on hind part before.But the common tricks that soldiers use, being weak in numbers, to appear from the tracks to be strong, or being strong to appear weak, these were for me so common and I held them so cheap that I care not to tell of them.Moreover, I devised an instrument wherewith if ‘twas calm weather I could by night hear a trumpet blow three hours’ march away, could hear a horse neigh or a dog bark at two hours’ distance, and hear men’s talk at three miles; which art I kept secret, and gained thereby great respect, for it seemed to all incredible.Yet by day was this instrument, which I commonly kept with a perspective-glass in my breeches pouch, not so useful, even though ‘twas in a quiet and lonely place: for with it one could not choose but hear every sound made by horses and cattle, yea, the smallest bird in the air and the frog in the water in all the country round, and all this could be as plainly heard as if one were in the midst of a market among men and beasts where all do make such noise that for the crying of one a man cannot understand another.‘Tis true I know well there are folk who to this day will not believe this:but believe it or not, ‘tis but the truth.With this instrument I can by night know any man that talks but so loud as his custom is, by his voice, though he be as far from me as where with a good perspective-glass one could by day know him by his clothes.Yet can I blame no one if he believe not what I here write, for none of those would believe me which saw with their own eyes how I used the said instrument, and would say to them, “I hear cavalry, for the horses are shod,” or “I hear peasants coming, for the horses are unshod,” or “I hear waggoners, but ‘tis only peasants; for I know them by their talk.”“Here come musqueteers, and so many, for I hear the rattling of their bandoliers.”[1]“There is a village near by, for I hear the cocks crow and the dogs bark.”“There goes a herd of cattle; for I hear sheep bleat and cows low and pigs grunt”; and so forth.Mine own comrades at first would hold this but for vain boasting, and when they found that all I said proved true in fact, then all must be witchcraft, and what I said must have been told to me by the devil and his dam.And so I believe will the gentle reader also think.Nevertheless by such means did I often escape the adversary when he had news of me and came to capture me: and I deem that if I had published this discovery ‘twould since have become common, for it would be of great service in war and notable in sieges.But I return to my history.

If I was not needed for a foray, I would go a-stealing, and then were neither horses, cows, pigs, nor sheep safe from me that I could find for miles round: for I had a contrivance to put boots or shoes on the horses and cattle till I came to a frequented road, where none could trace them; and then I would shoe the horses hind part before, or if ‘twas cows and oxen I put shoes on them which to that end I had caused to be made, and so brought them to a safe place.And the big fat swine-gentry, which by reason of laziness care not to travel by night, these I devised a masterly trick to bring away, however much they might grunt and refuse.For I made a savoury brew with meal and water and soaked a sponge in it: this I fastened to a strong cord, and let them for whom I angled swallow that sponge full of the broth, but kept the cord in my hand, whereupon without further parley they went contentedly with me and paid their score with hams and sausages.And all I brought home I faithfully shared both with the officers and my comrades: and so I got leave to fare forth again, and when my thefts were spied upon and betrayed, they helped me finely through.For the rest, I deemed myself far too good to steal from poor men, or rob hen-roosts and filch such small deer.And with all this I began by little and little to lead an epicurish life in regard of eating and drinking: for now I had forgot my hermit’s teaching and had none to guide my youth or to whom I might look up: for my officers shared with me and caroused with me, and they that should have warned and chastised me rather enticed me to all vices.By this means I became so godless and wicked that no villainy was too great for me to compass.But at last I was secretly envied, specially by my comrades, as having a luckier hand at thieving than any other, and also by my officers because I cut such a figure, was lucky in forays, and made for myself a greater name and reputation than they themselves had.In a word, I am well assured one party or the other would have sacrificed me had I not spent so much.

Chap. II:HOW THE HUNTSMAN OF SOEST DID RID HIMSELF OF THE HUNTSMAN OF WESEL

Now as I was living in this fashion, and busied with this, namely, to have me certain devil-masks made and grisly raiment thereto appertaining with cloven hoofs, by which means to terrify our foes, and specially to take their goods from our friends unbeknown (for which the affair of the bacon-stealing gave me the first hint), I had news that a fellow was at Wesel, which was a renowned partisan, went clad in green, and under which my name practiced divers rapes and robberies here and there in the land, but chiefly among our supporters, so that well-founded plaints against me were raised, and I must have paid for it smartly, had I not clearly shewn that at the very time he played these and other like tricks in my name I was elsewhere.Now this I would not pardon him, much less suffer him longer to use my name, to plunder in my shape and so bring me to shame.So with the knowledge of the commandant at Wesel, who had failed to punish him.Yea, I said openly if I found him on a foray I would treat him as an enemy.And that determined me to let my masks alone with which I had planned to do great things, to cut my green livery in pieces, and to burn it publicly in Soest in front of my quarters, to say nothing of all my clothing and horse harness, which were worth well over a hundred ducats: yea, and in my wrath I swore that the next that should call me huntsman must either kill me or die by my hand, should it cost me my life: nor would I ever again lead a party (for I was not bound to do so, being no officer) till I had avenged myself on my counterfeit at Wesel.So I kept myself to myself and did no more any exploits, save that I did my duty as sentry wheresoever I might be ordered to go, and that I performed as any malingerer might, and as sleepily as might well be.And this thing became known in the neighbourhood, and the advance-parties of the enemy became so bold and assured at this that they every day would bivouac close to our pickets: and that at last I could endure no longer.Yet what plagued me most of all was this: that this huntsman of Wesel went ever on his old way, giving himself out for me and under that name getting plunder enough and to spare.

Meanwhile, while all thought I had laid myself to sleep on a bearskin and should not soon rise from it, I was inquiring of the ways and works of my counterfeit at Wesel, and found that he not only imitated me in name and clothing, but was also used to steal by night whenever he could find a chance: so I woke up again unexpectedly and laid my plans accordingly.Now I had by little and little trained my two servants like watch-dogs, and they were so true to me that each at need would have run through fire for me, for with me they had good food and drink and gained plenty of booty.One of these I sent to mine enemy at Wesel, to pretend that because I, that had been his master, was now begun to live like any idler and had sworn never again to ride on a raid, he cared not to stay longer with me, but was come to serve him, since ‘twas he that had put on the huntsman’s dress in his master’s stead, and carried himself like a proper soldier: and he knew, said he, all highways and byways in the country, and could lay many a plan for him to gain good booty.My good simple fool believed it all, and let himself be persuaded to take the fellow into his service.So on a certain night he went with him and his comrade to a sheepfold to fetch away a few fat wethers: but there was I and Jump-i’-th’-field my other servant already in waiting, and had bribed the shepherd to fasten up his dogs and to suffer the new-comers to burrow their way into the shed unhindered; for I would say grace for them over their mutton.So when they had made a hole through the wall, the huntsman of Wesel would have it that my servant should slip in first: “But,” says he, “No, for there might well be one on the watch that should deal me one on the head: I see plainly ye know not how to go a-mousing: one must first explore”; and therewith drew his sword and hung his hat on the point, and pushing it through the hole again and again, “So,” says he, “We shall find out if the good man be at home or not.”This ended, the huntsman of Wesel was the first to creep through.And with that Jump-i’-th’-field had him by the arm which held his sword, and asked, would he cry for quarter?That his fellow heard and would have run for it: but I, who knew not which was the huntsman, and was swifter of foot than he, overtook him in a few paces: so I asked him, “Of what party?” Says he, “Of the emperor’s.”I asked, “What regiment?I am of the emperor’s side: ‘tis a rogue that denies his master!”He answered, “We are of the dragoons of Soest, and are come to fetch a couple of sheep:I hope, brother, if ye be of the emperor’s party too, ye will let us pass.”I answered, “Who are ye, then, from Soest?”Says he, “My comrade in the shed is the huntsman.”“Then are ye rogues,” said I, “or why do ye plunder your own quarters?The huntsman of Soest is no such fool as to let himself be taken in a sheep-fold.”“Nay, from Wesel I should have said,” says he: but while we thus disputed together came my servant and Jump-i’-th’-field to us with my adversary: and, “Lookye,” says I, “Is it thus we come together, thou honourable rascal, thou?Were it not that I respect the emperor’s arms which thou hast undertaken to bear against the enemy, I would incontinently send a ball through thy head: till now I have been the huntsman of Soest, and thee I count for a rogue unless thou take one of these swords here present and measurest the other with me soldier-fashion.”And with that my servant (who, like Jump-i’-th’-field, had on horrible devil’s apparel with goat’s horns) laid a couple of swords at our feet which I had brought from Soest, and gave the huntsman of Wesel the choice, to take which he would: whereat the poor huntsman was so dismayed that it fared with him as with me at Hanau when I spoiled the dance: he and his comrade trembled like wet dogs, fell on their knees, and begged for pardon.But Jump-i’-th’-field growled out, as ‘twere from the inside of a hollow pot, “Nay, ye must fight, or I will break the neck of ye.”“O honourable sir devil,” says the huntsman, “I came not here to fight: oh, deliver me from this, master devil, and I will do what thou wilt.”So as he talked thus wildly, my servant put one sword in his hand and gave me the other: yet he trembled so sore he could not hold it.Now the moon was bright, and the shepherd and his men could see and hear all from out their hut: so I called to him to come, that I might have a witness of this bargain: but when he came, he made as though he saw not the two in devils’ disguise, and said, what cause had I to bicker so long with these two fellows in his sheepfold: if I had aught to settle with them, I might do it elsewhere: for our business concerned him not at all: he paid his “Conterbission” regularly ever month, and hoped, therefore, he might live in peace with his sheep.To the two fellows he said, why did they so suffer one man to plague them, and did not knock me on the head at once.“Why,” said I, “thou rascal, they would have stolen thy sheep.”“Then let the devil wring their necks for them,” says the peasant, and away he went.With that I would come to the fighting again: but my poor huntsman could, for sheer terror, no longer keep his feet, so that I pitied him: yea, he and his comrade uttered such piteous plaints that, in a word, I forgave and pardoned him all.But Jump-i’-th’-field would not so be satisfied, but scratched the huntsman so grievously in the face that he looked as he had been at dinner with the cats, and with this poor revenge I must be content.So the huntsman vanished from Wesel, for he was sore shamed: inasmuch as his comrade declared everywhere, and confirmed it with horrible oaths, that I had in real truth two devils in the flesh that waited on me; and so was I more feared, and contrariwise less loved.

Chap. III:HOW THE GREAT GOD JUPITER[2] WAS CAPTURED AND HOW HE REVEALED THE COUNSELS OF THE GODS

Of that I was soon aware: and therefore did I do away my godless way of life and give myself over to religion and good living.‘Tis true I would ride on forays as before, yet now I shewed myself so courteous and kindly towards friend and foe, that all I had to deal with deemed it must be a different man from him they had heard of.Nay, more, I made an end of my superfluous expense, and go together many bright ducats and jewels which I hid here and there in hollow trees in the country round Soest; for so the well-known fortune-teller in that town advised me, and told me likewise I had more enemies in Soest and in mine own regiment that outside the town and in the enemy’s garrisons: and these, said she, were all plotting against me and my money.And when ‘twas noised in this place or that, that the huntsman was off and away, presently I was all unexpectedly at the elbow of them that so flattered themselves, and before one village was rightly certain that I had done mischief in another, itself found that I was close at hand: for I was everywhere like a whirlwind, now here now there: so that I was more talked of than ever, and others gave themselves out to be me.

Now it happened that I lay with twenty-five musquets not far from Dorsten and waited for a convoy that should come to the town: and as was my wont, I stood sentry myself as being near the enemy.To me there came a man all alone, very well dressed and flourishing a cane he had in his hand in strange wise: nor could I understand aught he said but this, “Once for all will I punish the world, that will not render me divine honours.”From that I guessed this might be some mighty prince that went thus disguised to find out his subjects’ ways and works, and now proposed duly to punish the same, as not having found them to his liking.So I thought, “If this man be of the opposite party, it means a good ransom; but if not, thou canst treat him so courteously and so charm away his heart that he shall be profitable to thee all thy life long.”

With that I leapt out upon him, presented my gun at him at full-cock, and says I, “Your worship will please to walk before me into yonder wood if he will not be treated as an enemy.”So he answered very gravely, “To such treatment my likes are not accustomed”:but I pushed him very politely along and, “Your honour,” said I, “will not for once refuse to bow to the necessities of the times.”So when I had brought him safely to my people in the wood and had set my sentries again, I asked him who he was: to which he answered very haughtily I need not ask that, for I knew already he was a great god.I thought he might perhaps know me, and might be a nobleman of Soest that thus spoke to rally me; for ‘tis the custom to jeer at the people of Soest about their great idol with the golden apron: but soon I was aware that instead of a prince I had caught a madman, one that had studied too much and gone mad over poetry: for when he grew a little more acquainted with me he told me plainly he was the great god Jupiter himself.

Now did I heartily wish I had never made this capture: but since I had my fool, there I must needs keep him till we should depart: so, as the time otherwise would have been tedious, I thought I would humour the fellow and make his gifts of use to me; so I said to him, “Now, worshipful Jove, how comes it that thy high divinity thus leaves his heavenly throne and descends to earth?Forgive, O Jupiter, my question, which thou mightest deem one of curiosity: for we be also akin to the heavenly gods and nought but wood-spirits, born of fauns and nymphs, to whom this secret shall ever remain a secret.”“I swear to thee by the Styx,”[3] answered Jupiter, “thou shouldst not know a word of the secret wert thou not so like to my cup-bearer Ganymede,[4] even wert thou Paris’s own son:[5] but for his sake I communicate to thee this, that a great outcry concerning the sins of the world is come up to me through the clouds: upon which ‘twas decided in the council of all the gods that I could justly destroy all the world with a flood: but inasmuch as I have always had a special favour to the human race, and moreover at all times shew kindness rather than severity, I am now wandering around to learn for myself the ways and works of men: and though I find all worse than I expected, yet am I not minded to destroy all men at once and without distinction, but to punish only those that deserve punishment and thereafter to bend the remainder to my will.”

I must needs laugh, yet checked myself, and said, “Alas, Jupiter, thy toil and trouble will be, I fear, all in vain unless thou punish the world with water, as before, or with fire: for if thou sendest a war, thither run together all vile and abandoned rogues that do but torment peaceable and pious men.An thou sendest a famine, ‘tis but a godsend for the usurers, for then is their corn most valuable: and if thou sendest a pestilence, then the greedy and all the rest of mankind do find their account, for then do they inherit much.So must thou destroy the whole world root and branch, if thou wilt punish at all.”

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[1]. Bandoliers are shoulder belts w/ loops or pockets for cartridges. "Bandoliers," Oxford Concise English Dictionary, (Oxford: Clarendon Press, 1995) p. 99.
[2]. Jupiter or Jove was the principal Roman god, protector of Rome and god of the sky.He was the counterpart of the Greek Zeus.The association between the two is etymologically close, and often the adventures of Zeus are ascribed to Jupiter as well.This is in evidence in Grimmelshausen's association of the Greek figures of Ganymede (known to the Romans as Catamitus), Paris, and the Styx with the Roman Jove or Jupiter. Mike Dixon-Kennedy, Encyclopedia of Greco-Roman Mythology (Denver: ABC-CLIO, Inc., 1998) p. 181-2.
[3]. In Greek mythology, the Styx is one of the five rivers of the Underworld.It is the river across which
the souls of the dead are carried by the ferryman Charon.Oaths sworn by the Styx were unbreakable, even by the gods. Mike Dixon-Kennedy, Encyclopedia of Greco-Roman Mythology (Denver: ABC-CLIO, Inc., 1998) p. 285.

[4]. In Greek mythology, Ganymede was the most beautiful of all mortal youths.He was raped on Mount
Ida, and Zeus developed an affection for the boy and carried him to Mount Olympus to be his cupbearer.When he died he was placed in the sky as the constellation Aquarius.Stories about Ganymede are considered evidence of the homosexual tendencies of the classical gods.Mike Dixon-Kennedy, Encyclopedia of Greco-Roman Mythology (Denver: ABC-CLIO, Inc., 1998) p. 137

[5]. In Greek mythology, Paris is the second son of Priam and Hecuba of Troy.Exposed by his parents at
birth, Paris lived in the hills of Mount Ida among shepherds.There he became the lover of the nymph Oenone (also called Denone).According to some sources she bore him a son.Paris deserted Oenone when the goddess Aphrodite granted him the love of the world's most beautiful woman, Helen of Troy.Mike Dixon-Kennedy, Encyclopedia of Greco-Roman Mythology (Denver: ABC-CLIO, Inc., 1998) p. 237.

Edited by Laurie McManus

Chap. IV : OF THE GERMAN HERO THAT SHALL CONQUE THE WHOLE WORLD AND BRING PEACE TO ALL NATIONS

So Jupiter answered, “Though speakest of the matter like a mere man, as if thou didst not know that ‘tis possible for us gods so to manage things that only the wicked shall be punished and the good saved:I will raise up a German hero that shall accomplish all with the edge of a sword; he shall destroy all evil men and preserve and exalt the righteous.”“Yea,”said I, “but such a hero must need have soldiers, and where soldiers are there is war, and where war is there must the innocent suffer as well as the guilty.”“Oho;” says Jupiter, “by yet earthly gods minded like earthly men, that ye can understand so little?For I will send such a hero that he shall have need of no soldiers and yet shall reform the whole world; at his birth I will grant to him a body well formed and stronger than had ever Hercules, adorned to the full with princeliness, wisdom, and understanding:to this shall Venus add so comely a face that he shall excel Narcissus[1], Adonis[2], and even my Ganymede[3]:and she shall grant to him, besides his other fine parts, dignity, charm, and presence excelling all, and so make him beloved by all the world, for which cause I will look more kindly upon it in the hour of his birth.Mercury, too, shall endow him with incomparable cleverness, and the inconstant moon shall be to him not harmful but useful, for she shall implant in him and invincible swiftness:Pallas Athene shall rear him on Parnassus[4] and Vulcan shall, under the influence of Mars, forge for him his weapons, and specially a sword with which he shall conquer the whole world and make an end of all the godless, without the help of a single man as a soldier:for he shall need no assistance. Every town shall tremble at his coming, and every fortress otherwise unconquerable he shall have in his power in the first quarter of an hour;in a word, he shall have the rule over the greatest potentates of the world, and so nobly bear sway over earth and sea that both gods and men shall rejoice thereat.”

“Yea,: said I, “but how can the destruction of all the godless and rule over the whole world be accomplished without specially great power and a strong arm?O Jupiter, I tell thee plainly I can understand these things less than any mere mortal man.”“At that,”says Jupiter, “I marvel not:for thou knowest not what power my hero’s sword will have. Vulcan shall make it of the same materials of which he doth forge my thunderbolts, and so direct its virtues that my hero, if he do but draw it and wave it in the air, can cut off the heads of a whole armada, though they be hidden behind a mountain or be a whole Swiss mile distant from him, and so the poor devils shall lie there without heads before they know what has befallen them.And when he shall begin his triumphal progress and shall come before a town or a fortress, then shall he use Tamburlaine’s vein[5], and for a sign that he is there for peace and for the furthering of all good shall shew a white flag:then if they come forth to him and are content, ‘tis well:if not, then will he draw his sword, and by its virtue, as before described, will hew off the heads of all enchanters and sorceresses throughout the town, and then raise a red flag:then if they be obstinate, he destroy all murderers, usurers, thieves, rogues, adulterers, whores, and knaves in the said manner, and then hoist a black flag:whereupon if those that yet remain in the town refuse to come to him and humbly submit, then shall he destroy the whole town as a stiffnecked and disobedient folk:yet shall he only execute them that have hindered the others, and been the cause that the people would not submit.So shall he go from country to country, and give each town the country that lies around it to rule in peace, and from each town in all Germany choose out two of the wisest and learnedest men to form his parliament, shall reconcile the towns with each other forever, shall do away all villenage, and also all tolls, excises, interest, taxes, and octrois throughout Germany, and take such order that none shall ever again hear of forced work, watch-duties, contributions, and benevolences, war-taxes, and other burdens of the people, but that men shall live happier than in the Elysian fields.And then,” says Jupiter, “will I often assemble all Olympus and come down to visit the Germans, to delight myself among their vines and fig-trees:and there will I set Helicon on their borders and establish the Muses anew thereon:Germany will I bless with all plenty, yea, more than Arabia, Felix, Mesopotamia, and the land of Damascus:then will I forswear the Greek language, and only speak German; and, in a word, shew myself so good a German that in the end I shall grant to them, as once I did to the Romans, the rule over all the earth.”

“But,” said I, “great Jupiter, what will princes and lords say to this, if this future hero so violently take from them their rights and hand them over to the towns?Will they not resist with force, or at least protest against it before gods and men?”

“The hero,” answered Jupiter, “ will trouble himself little on that score: he will divide all the great into three classes:them which have lived wickedly and set an evil example he will punish them together with the commons, for no earthly power can withstand his sword:to the rest he will give the choice whether to stay in the land or not.They that love their fatherland and abide must live like the commons, but the German people’s way of living shall then be more plentiful and comfortable than is now the life and household of a king; yea, they shall be one and all like Fabricius, that would not share King Pyrrhus his kingdom because he loved his country and honour and virtue too much:and so much for the second class.But as to the third. which will still be lords and rulers, them will he lead through Hungary and Italy into Moldavia, Wallachia, into Macedonia, Thrace and Greece, yea, over the Hellespont into Asia, and conquer these lands for them, give them as helpers all them that live by war in all Constantinople in one day, and lay the heads of all before their feet: then will he again set up the Roman Empire, and so betake himself again to German, and with his lords of Parliament (whom, as I have said, he shall choose in pairs from every city in Germany, and name them the chiefs and fathers of his German Fatherland) build a city in the midst of Germany that shall be far greater than Manoah[6] in America, and richer than was Jerusalem in Solomon’s time, whose walls shall be as high as the mountains of Tirol and its ditches as broad as the sea between Spain and Africa.And there will he build a temple entirely of diamonds, rubies, emeralds, and sapphires, and in the treasury that he shall there build will he gather together rarities from the whole world out of the gifts that the kings in China and in Persia, the great Mogul in the East Indies, the great Khan of Tartary, Prester John in Africa, and the great Czar in Muscovy will send to him.Yea, the Turkish emperor would be yet more ready to serve him if it were not that my hero will have taken his empire from him and given it as a fief to the Roman emperor.”

Chap. V. :HOW HE SHALL RECONCILE ALL RELIGIONS AND CAST THEM IN THE SAME MOULD

Now Jump-i’-th’-field, who also listened to us, had wellnigh enraged Jupiter and spoiled the whole affair; for said he, “Yea, yea; and then ‘twill be in Germany as in fairyland, where it rains muscatels and nought else, and where twopenny pies grow in the night like mushrooms:and I too shall have to eat with both cheeks full at once like a thresher, and drink myself blind with Malvoisie.”“Yea, truly,” said Jupiter, “and that the more because I will curse thee with the undying hunger of Erysichthon[7], for methinks thou are one of them that do deride my majesty,” and to me said he, “I deemed I was among wood spirits only: but meseems I have chanced upon a Momus[8] or a Zoilus, the most envious creatures in the world.Is one to reveal to such traitors the decrees of heaven and so to cast pearls before swine?”So I saw plainly he would not willingly brook laughter, and therefore kept down mine own as best I could, and “Most gracious Jupiter,”said I, “thou wilt not, by reason of a rude forest-god’s indiscretion, conceal from thy Ganymede how things are further to happen in Germany.”“No, no,” said he, “but I command this mocker, who is like to Theon, to bridle his evil tongue in future, lest I turn him to a stone as Mercury did Battus.But do thou confess to me thou art truly my Ganymede, and that my jealous Juno hath driven thee from heaven in my absence.”So I promised to tell him all when I should have heard what I desired to know.Thereupon, “Dear Ganymede,” says he, “For deny not that thou art he – in those days shall gold-making be as common in Germany as is pot-making now, and every horse-boy shall carry the philosophers’ stone about with him.”“Yea,” said I, “but how can Germany be so long in peace with all these different religions?Will not the opposing clergy urge on their flocks and so hatch another war?”“No, no,”says Jupiter, “my hero will know how to meet that difficulty cleverly, and before all things to unite all Christian religions in the world.”“O wonderful,” said I, “that were indeed a great work!How could it come about?”“I will with all my heart reveal it to thee,” answered Jupiter, “for after my hero hath made peace for all mankind he will address all the heads of the Christian world both spiritual and temporal, in a most moving speech, and so excellently impress upon them their hitherto most pernicious divisions in belief, that of themselves they will desire a general reconciliation and give over to him the accomplishment of such according to his own great wisdom.Then will he gather together the most skilful, most learned, and most pious theologians of all religions and appoint for them a place, as did once Ptolemy for the seventy-two translators, in a cheerful and yet quiet spot, and there provide them all with meat and drink and all necessaries, and command them so soon as possible, and yet with the ripest and most careful consideration, first to lay aside the strifes that there be between their religions, and next to set down in writing and with full clearness the right, true, holy Christian religion in accordance with Holy Writ; and with most ancient tradition, the recognized sense of the Fathers.At which time Pluto will sorely scratch his head as fearing the lessening of his kingdom:yea, and will devise all manner of plans and tricks to foist in an ‘and,’ and if not to stop the whole thing, yet at least to postpone it sine die, that is for ever.So will he hint to each theologian of his interest, his order, his peaceful life, his wife and child, and his privileges, and aught else that might sway his inclinations.But my brave hero also will not be idle : he will so long as this council shall last have all the bells in Christendom rung, and so call all Christian people to pray without ceasing to the Almighty, and to ask for the sending of the Spirit of Truth.And if he shall see that one or another doth allow himself to be tempted by Pluto, then will he plague the whole assembly with hunger as in a Roman conclave, and if they yet delay to complete so holy a work, then will he preach them all a sermon through the gallows, or shew them his wonderful sword, and so first with kindness, but at last with severity and threats, bring them to come to the business in hand, and no longer as before to befool the world with their stiff-necked false doctrines.So when unity is arrived at, then will he proclaim a great festival and declare to the whole world this purified religion; and whosoever opposes it, him will he torment with pitch and sulphur or smear that heretic with box-grease and present him to Pluto as a New Year’s gift.And now, dear Ganymede, thou knowest all thou didst desire to know:and now tell me in turn the reason why thou hast left heaven, where thou hast poured me so many a draught of nectar.”

Chap. VI : HOW THE EMBASSY OF THE FLEAS FARED WITH JUPITER

Now methought ‘twas possible this fellow might be no such fool as he pretended, but might be serving me as I had served others in Hanau to escape from us the better :so I determined to put him in a passion, for in such plight it is easiest to know a real madman; and says I, “The reason I am come down from heaven is that I missed thee there, and so took Daedalus’s wings and flew down to earth to see thee.But when I came to ask for thee I found thee in all places but of ill repute; for Zoilus and Momus have throughout the world so slandered thee and all the other gods, and decried ye as wanton and stinking, that ye have lost all credit with mankind.Thyself, say they, beest a lousy, adulterous, caperer after woman-kind; how canst thou then, punish the world for such vices?Vulcan they say is but a poltroon that let pass Mars’s adultery without proper revenge; and how can that halting cuckold forge any weapons of note?Venus, too, is for her unchastity the most infamous baggage in the world:and how can she endow another with grace and favour?Mars they say is but a murderer and a robber;Apollo a shameless lecher; Mercury an idle chatterer, thief and pander; Priapus[9] filth;Hercules a brainsick ruffian; and, in a word, the whole crew of the gods so ill famed that they should of right be lodged nowhere but in Augeas’s stable[10], which even without them stinks in the nostrils of all the world.”

“Aha;” says Jupiter, “and who would wonder if I laid aside my graciousness and punished these wretched slanderers and blasphemous liars with thunder and lightning?How thinkest thou, my true and beloved Ganymede, shall I curse these chatterers with eternal thirst like Tantalus, or hang them up in Phalaris’s red-hot bull of Agrigent?Nah, nah, Ganymede: all these plagues and punishments together are too little:I will fill Pandora’s box anew and empty it upon the rogues’ heads:then Nemesis shall wake the furies and send them at their heels, and Hercules shall borrow Cerberus from Pluto and hunt those wicked knaves with him like wolves, and when I have in this wise chased and tormented them enough, then will I bind them fast with Hesiod[11] and Homer to a pillar in hell and there have them chastised for ever without pity by the Furies.”

Now while Jupiter thus spake he began to make a hunt for the fleas he had upon him:for these, as one might perceive, did plague him sore.And as he did so he cried, “Away with ye, ye little tormentors; I swear to ye by Styx ye shall never have that, that ye so earnestly desire.”So I asked him what he meant by such words.He answered, the nation of the fleas, as soon as they learned he was come on earth, had sent their ambassadors to compliment him:and there had complained to him that, though he had assigned to them the dogs’ coats as a dwelling, yet on account of certain properties common to women, some poor souls went astray and trespassed on the ladies’ furs; and such poor wandering creatures were by the women evil entreated, caught, and not only murdered, but first so miserably martyred and crushed between their fingers that it might move the heart of a stone.“Yea,” said Jupiter further, “they did present their case to me so movingly and piteously that I must needs have sympathy with them and so promised them help, yet on condition I should first hear the women:to that they objected that if ‘twas allowed to the women to plead their cause and to propose them, they knew well they with their poisonous tongues would either impose upon my goodness and loving-kindness, and outcry the fleas themselves, or by their sweet words and their beauty would befool me and lead me astray to a wrong judgment.But if I must allow the women to hunt, catch, and with the hunters’ privilege to slay them in their preserves, then their petition was that they might in future be executed in honourable wise, and either cut down with a pole-axe like oxen or snared like game, and no longer to be so scandalously crushed between the fingers and so broken on the wheel, by which means their own limbs were made instruments of torture.“Gentlemen,”said I, “ye must be greatly tormented when they thus tyrannise over ye.”“Yea, truly,” said they, “they be so envious of us.Is it right?Can they not suffer us in their territories?For many of them so cleanse their lap-dogs with brushes, combs, soap and lye, and other like things, that we are compelled to leave our fatherland and to seek other dwellings.”Thereupon I allowed them to lodge with me and to make my person feel their presence, their ways and works, that I might judge accordingly:and then the rascally crew began so to plague me that, as ye have seen, I must again be rid of them.I will give them a privilege, but only this, that the women may squeeze them and crush them as they will: and if I catch any so pestilent a customer I will deal with him no better.

Chap. VII: HOW THE HUNTSMAN AGAIN SECURED HONOUR AND BOOTY

Now might we not laugh as heartily as we would, both because we must keep quiet and because this good fool liked it not:wherefore Jump-i’-th’-field came nigh to burst.And just then our look-out man that we had posted in a tree called to us that he saw somewhat coming afar off.So I climbed the tree myself, and saw through my perspective-glass it must be the carriers for whom we lay in wait:they had no one on foot, but some thirty odd troopers for escort, and so I might easily judge they would not go through the wood wherein we lay, but would do their best to keep the open, and there we should have no advantage over them, though there was even there an awkward piece of road that led through the clearing from the end of the wood or hill.Now it vexed me to have lain there so long for nought, or at best to have captured only a fool; and so I quickly laid me another plan and that turned out well.For from our place of ambush there ran a brook in a cleft of the ground, which it was easy to ride along, down to the level country:the mouth of this I occupied with twenty men, took my post with them, and bade Jump-i’-th’-field stay in the place where we had been posted to advantage, and ordered each one of my fellows, when the escort should come, that each should aim at his man, and commanded also that some should shoot and some should hold their fire for a reserve.Some old veterans perceived what I intended and how I guessed that the escort would come that way, as having no cause for caution, and because certainly no peasant had been in such a place for a hundred years.But others that believed I could bewitch (for at that time I was in great reputation on that account) thought I would conjure the enemy into our hands.Yet here I needed no devil’s arts, only my Jump-i’-th’-field;for even as the escort, riding pretty close together, was just about to pass by us, he began at my order to bellow most horribly like an ox, and to neigh like a horse; till the whole wood echoed therewith and any man would have sworn there were horses and cattle there.So when the escort heard that they thought to gain booty and to snap up somewhat, which yet was hard to find in such a country so laid waste.So altogether they rode so hard and disorderly into our ambush as if each would be the first to get the hardest blow, and this made them ride so close that in the first salute we gave them thirteen saddles were emptied, and some that fell were crushed under the horses’ hoofs.Then came Jump-i’-th’-field leaping down the ravine and crying, “Huntsman here!”At this the fellows were yet more terrified and so dismayed that they would ride neither backward, forward nor sideways, but leapt down and tried to escape on foot.Yet I had them all seventeen prisoners with the lieutenant that had commanded them, and then attacked the waggons, where I unharnessed four-and-twenty horses, and yet got only a few bales of silk and Holland, :for I dared not spare the time to plunder the dead, far less to search the waggons well, for the waggoners were up and away on the horses as soon as the action began, and so might I be betrayed at Dorsten, and caught again on the way back.So when we had packed up our plunder comes Jupiter from the wood and cried to us, “Would his Ganymede desert him?”I answered him, yes, if he would not grant the fleas the privilege they demanded.“Sooner,”says he, “would I see them all lying in hell-fires.”At that I must needs laugh, and because in any case I had horses to spare I had him set on one:yet as he could ride no better than a tailor, I must have him bound upon his horse: and then he told us our skirmish had reminded him of that of the Lapithae and the centaurs at Pirithous’ wedding.So when all was over and we galloping away with our prisoners as if we were pursued, the lieutenant we had captured began to consider what a fault he had committed, as having delivered so bold a troop of riders into the hand of the enemy and given over thirteen brave fellows to be butchered, and so, being desperate, he refused the quarter I had given him, and would fain have compelled me to have him shot; for he thought that not only would this mistake turn to his great shame, and he be answerable, but also would hinder his advancement, even if it came not to this, that he must pay for his error with his head.So I talked with him and shewed him that with many a good soldier inconstant fortune had played her tricks;yet had I never seen any one that therefore had been driven desperate, and that so to act were a sign of faintheartedness:for brave soldiers were ever devising how to make up for the losses sustained;nor should he ever bring me to break my plighted word or to commit so shameful a deed against all righteousness and against the custom and tradition of honourable soldiers.When he saw I would not do it he began to revile me in the hope to move me to anger, and said I had not fought with him honestly and openly, but like a rogue and a footpad, and had stolen the lives of his soldiers like a thief:and at this his own fellows that we had captured were mightily afraid, and mine so wroth that they would have riddled him like a sieve if I had allowed it;and I have enough to do to prevent it.Yet I was in no wise moved at his talk, but called both friend and foe to witness of what happened, and had him bound and guarded as a madman, but promised him so soon as we came to our camp, and if my officers permitted, to equip him with mine own horses and weapons, of which he should have the choice, and prove to him in open field, with sword and pistol, that ‘twas allowed in war to use craft against the adversary:and asked him why he had not stayed with the waggons, which he was ordered to do; or, if he must needs see what was in the wood, why he had not made a proper reconnaissance, which had been better for him than now to begin to play fool’s tricks to which no one would take heed.Herein both friend and foe approved me right, and said that among a hundred partisans they had never met one that would not for such words of reviling have not only shot the lieutenant dead, but would have sent all the prisoners to the grave after him.

So the next morning I brought my prisoners and plunder safely to Soest, and gained more honour and fame from this foray than ever before:for each one said, “This will prove another young John de Werth[12]”; which tickled me greatly.Yet would not the commandant permit me to exchange shots or to fight with the lieutenant:for he said I had twice overcome him.And the more my triumphs thus increased the more great the envy of those that in any case would have grudged me my luck.

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[1]. Narcissus, a mortal who was beautiful but cruel to his suitors, was cursed to fall in love with his own reflection.“Narcissus”, Gods and Mortals in Classical Mythology, ed. Michael Grant and John Hazel (G.& C. Merriam Company: Springfield, MA 1973), p 285.
[2]..Adonis was a mortal famed for his beauty.He was loved by both Aphrodite and Persephone. “Adonis” Gods and Mortals in Classical Mythology (G.& C. Merriam Company: Springfield, MA 1973). p 14.
[3]. Ganymede, a youth of great beauty, was abducted by Zeus to be the cup-bearer on Mt. Olympus.Zeus became his lover and set him in the sky as the constellation of Aquarius. “Ganymede” Gods and Mortals in Classical Mythology (G.& C. Merriam Company: Springfield, MA 1973) p180.
[4]. Parnassus was a mountain in Phocis, Greece with two summits, one to Apollo and the muses, and one to Dionysus.It was known as a seat of poetry and music due to its association with the muses.“Parnassus” Benet’s Reader’s Encyclopedia 4th ed.Ed. Bruce Murphy (HarperCollins: Ny, NY 1996) p778.
[5]. Tamburlaine or Tamerlane was the name of Genghis Khan’s great great grandson Timur I Leng(1336-1405) who conquered parts of Russia, Persia and central Asia.The 1587 Christopher Marlowe play “Tamburlaine the Great in Two Parts”treats him first as a bold defiant hero then as a bloodthirsty villain.“Tamburlaine the Great in two parts”, “Tamerlane” Benet’s Reader’s Encyclopedia 4th ed.Ed. Bruce Murphy (HarperCollins: Ny, NY 1996) p 1005
[6]. A kind of Eldorado – (Goodrick's note)
[7]. Mortal who chopped down Demeter’s sacred oak grove and was cursed to die by insatiable hunger.“Erysichthon”Gods and Mortals in Classical Mythology (G.& C. Merriam Company: Springfield, MA 1973)p165
[8]. Son of Night, known as the spirit of grumbling.“Momus” Gods and Mortals in Classical Mythology (G.& C. Merriam Company: Springfield, MA 1973) p 283.
[9]. Priapus the son of Aphrodite and Dionysus (or Hermes) was the god of gardens.“Priapus” Gods and Mortals in Classical Mythology (G.& C. Merriam Company: Springfield, MA 1973) p 345.
[10]. Augeas was the king of Elis who owned so many cattle that their dung caused blockage of his yards and stables.It was Hercules’s fifth labor to clean them in a day.“Augeas” Gods and Mortals in Classical Mythology (G.& C. Merriam Company: Springfield, MA 1973), p86.
[11]. Father of Greek didactic poetry; known for Theogeny, a work on the origin of the world and the gods.“Hesiod” Benet’s Reader’s Encyclopedia 4th ed.Ed. Bruce Murphy (HarperCollins: Ny, NY 1996)p470.
[12]. The famous cavalry commander of the Imperialists.(Goodrick's note)

Edited by Ben Miller

Chap.VIII : HOW HE FOUND THE DEVIL IN THE TROUGH, AND HOW JUMP-I’-TH’-FIELD GOT FINE HORSES

Now I could by no means be rid of my Jupiter: for the commandant would have none of him, as a pigeon not worth the plucking, but said he made me a free gift of him. So now I had a fool of mine own and needed to buy none, though a year before I must needs allow others to treat me as such. So wondrous is fortune and so changeable the times! Even now had the lice troubled me, and now had I the very god of fleas in my power; half a year before was I serving a miserable dragoon as page, and now I had command of two servants that called me master; and so I reflected at times that noting is so certain in this world as its uncertainty. And so must I fear if ever Fortune should let loose her hornets upon me it would altogether overwhelm my present happiness.

Now just then Count von der Wahl, as colonel in command of the Westphalian circle, was collecting troops from all the garrisons to make a cavalry expedition through the bishopric of Munster towards the Vecht1, Meppen, Lingen and such places, but specially to drive off two companies of Hessian troopers in the bishopric of Paderborn2 that lay two miles from the city and had out with our dragoons, and when a few troops had been collected at Ham we beat up the quarters of the said troopers, which were but an ill-protected village, till the rest of our people came. They tried to escape, but we let them go without horse or weapons but with the clothes on their backs; to this they would not agree, but would defend themselves with their carbines like musqueteers. So it came to that, that in the same night I must try what luck I had in storming, for the dragoons led the way; and my luck was so good that I, together with Jump-i’-th’-field, was among the first to come into the town, and that without hurt, and we soon cleared the streets; for all that bore arms were cut down, and the citizens had no stomach for fighting; so we entered the houses. Then said Jump-i’-th’-field, we should choose a house before which a big heap of dung stood, for in such the rich curmudgeons were wont to dwell, with whom commonly officers were billeted: on such a one we seized, and there Jump-i’-th’-field would first visit the stable and I the house, on the condition each should share with the other whatever he could lay hands on. So then each lit his torch, and I called to the master of the house but had no answer, for all had hid themselves, but came upon a room wherein was nought but an empty bed and a covered kneading-trough. This I knocked open in hopes to find somewhat valuable, but as I raised the cover a coal-black thing rose up against me which I took for Lucifer himself. Nay, I can swear I was never in my life so terrified as I was then, when I so unawares beheld this black devil. “My all the powers of hell take thee,” I cried in my fear, and raised my hatchet wherewith I had broke open the trough, yet had not the heart to split the creature’s skull: so down he knelt, raised his hands to me, and says he, “O massa, I beg by de good God, gib me my life.” With that I first knew ‘twas no devil, for he spake of God and begged for his life; so I bade him get out of his trough: and that he did as naked as God made him. Then I cut a piece of my torch off for him to light me, the which he did obediently, and brought me to a little room wherein I found the master of the house, who, together with his people, was looking on as this merry sight, and begged with trembling for mercy. And that he easily came by, for in any case we might not harm the burghers, and besides he handed me over the baggage of the Hessian captain, among which was a fairly well-furnished, locked portmanteau, telling me the said captain and all his people, save one servant and the negro now present, were gone to their posts to defend themselves. Meanwhile Jump-i’-th’-field had made prize of the said servant and six fine saddle-horses in the stable: these we brought into the house, barred the doors, and bade the negro to put on his clothes; and told the burgher what story he should tell to his captain. But when the gate was opened and the posts occupied, and our general of ordnance, Count von der Wahl, was admitted, he lodged his staff in the very house where we were. So in dark night we must needs seek other quarters; and these we found with our comrades who had come in with the storming-parties: with them we made merry and spent the rest of the night in eating and drinking, when Jump-i’-th’-field and I had divided our booty. For my share I received the negro and the two best horses, of which one was a Spanish one, on which any soldier might meet his enemy, and with this thereafter I made no small show; but out of the portmanteau I got divers costly rings, and in a golden case set with rubies the Prince of Orange’s3 portrait (for all the rest I left to Jump-i’-th’-field), so that the whole, if I had desired to give it away, would with the horses have stood me in 200 ducats: since for the negro, that was the poorest part of my booty, the Master-General of Ordnance to whom I presented him gave me two dozen thalers.

Thence we marched quickly to the Ems4 , yet accomplished but little: and as it happened that we came near Recklinghausen, I took leave, together with Jump-i’-th’-field, to speak with my pastor from whom I had stolen the bacon. With him I made merry and told him the negro had made me feel the same terror which he and his cook had felt, and presented him, moreover, with a fine striking watch for a friendly remembrance, which I had had out of the captain’s portmanteau: and so did I take care to make friends in all places of them that would otherwise have had cause to hate me.

Chap. IX: OF AN UNEQUAL COMBAT IN WHICH THE WEAKEST WINS THE DAY AND THE CONQUEROR IS CAPTURED

But with my good fortune my pride so increased that in the end it could bring me nothing but a fall. For as we were encamped some half-hour from Rehnen, I had leave to go into the town with my dear comrade, there to have those arms furbished up which we had just received. And as it was our intent to be right merry with each other, we turned in to the best inn, and had minstrels sent for, to play our wine and beer down our throat. So we fell to drinking and roaring; and no sport was wanting, which could make the money fly: nay, I invited also lads from other regiments to be my guests, and so carried myself as a young prince who has command of land and folk and great sums to spend by the year. And thus we fared better than was pleasing to a company of troopers who sat there also at table, but with no such mad tricks as we. So, being angry, they began to jest upon us, “How comes it,” said they to one another, “that these prop-hoppers§” (for they took us for musqueteers, seeing that no animal in the world is more like a musqueteer than is a dragoon, and if a dragoon fall from his horse he rises up a musqueteer) “can make such a show with their halfpence?” “Yonder lad,” answered another, “is surely some straw-squire whose mother hath sent him the milk-pence, and those he now spends upon his comrades, that some time they may pull him out of the mud or through a ditch.” With which words they aimed at me, for they took me for a young nobleman. Of such talk the maid that waited brought me private news: yet since I heard it not myself, I could do no more than fill a great beer-glass with wine and let it go round to the health of all good musqueteers, and at every round made such a hubbub that none could hear himself speak. And this vexed them yet more, so that they said aloud, “What in the devil’s name have these prop-hoppers for an easy life of it!” Whereupon Jump-i-‘th’-field answered, “And what matters that to the bootblacks?” This passed well enough; for he looked so big and held so fierce and threatening a carriage that no one cared to give him the rub. Yet he must again fall foul of them and this time of a fellow of some consideration, who answered, “Ay, and if these loiterers could not so swagger here on their own dung-hill (for he thought we lay there in garrison, because our clothes seemed not so weather-beaten as those of the poor musqueteers who must lie day and night in open field), where could they show themselves? Who knows not that any of them in the battlefield is as surely the booty of the troopers as is the pigeon of the hawk?” But I answered him, “It is our business to take cities and fortresses, whereas ye troopers, if ye come but to the poorest rat’s-nest of a town, can there drive no dog out of his den. Why may we not then have your good leave to make merry in that which is more ours than yours?”

The trooper answered, “Him who is master in the field the fortresses must follow after: and that we troopers are masters in the field is proved by this: that I for myself not only fear not three such babes as thee, musquet and all, but could stick a couple such in my hat-band, and then ask the third where there were more to be found. And if I now sat by thee,” said he with scorn, “I would bestow on my young squire a couple of buffets to prove the truth of this.”

“Yea,” said I, “and though I have as good a pair of pistols as thou, notwithstanding I am no trooper, but only a bastard between such and the musqueteers, yet, look you, even a child hath heart enough to shew himself alone in open field against such a bully on horseback as thou art, and against all thine armoury.”

“Aha; thou swaggerer,” said the fellow, “I hold thee for a rascal if thou make not good thy words forthwith as becomes an honourable nobleman.”

So I threw him my glove and, “See then,” said I, “if I get this not from thee in fair field with my musquet only and on foot, so hast thou right and good leave to hold and to reproach me for such a one as they presumption has even now named me.”

Then we paid the reckoning and the trooper made ready his carbine and pistols, and I my musquet: and as he rod away with his comrades to the place agreed upon he told my comrade Jump-i’-th’-field he might order my grave. So he answered him he had better give it in charge to one of his own fellows that he might order such for him. Yet thereafter he rebuked me for my presumption, and said plainly he feared I should now play my last tune. But I did but laugh, for I had long since devised a plan how to encounter the best mounted of troopers, if ever such an one should attack me in the open field, though armed only with my musquet and on foot. So when we came to the place where this beggar’s dance should be, I had my musquet already loaded with two balls, and put in fresh priming and smeared the cover of the pan with tallow as careful musqueteers be wont to do, to guard the touch-hole and powder in the pan from damp in rainy weather.

Before we engaged, our comrades on both sides agreed that we should fight in open field, and to that end that we should start, one from the East, the other from the West, in a fenced plot; and thereafter each should do his best against the other as a soldier would do in face of the enemy; and that no one should help either party before or during or after the fight, either to succour his comrade, or to avenge his death or hurt. So when they had thus engaged themselves with word and hand, I and my opposite gave each other our hand upon this, that each would forgive the other his death. In all which most unreasonable folly that ever a man of sense could entertain, each hoped to gain for his arm of the service the advantage, for all the world as if the entire honour and reputation of one or the other, depended upon the outcome of our devilish undertaking.

Now as I entered the stricken field at my appointed end with my match alight at both ends, and saw my adversary before my eyes, I made as if I shook out the old priming as I walked. Yet I did not so, but spread priming powder only on the cover of the pan, blew up my match, and passed my two fingers over the pan, as is the custom, and before I could see the white of the eyes of my opposite, who kept me well in sight, I took aim, and set fire to the false priming powder on the cover of the pan. Then the enemy, believing that my musquet had missed fire and that the touch-hole was stopped, rode straight down upon me pistol in hand, and all too anxious to pay me there and then for my presumption, but before he was aware I had the pan open and shut again, and gave him such a welcome that ball and fall came together.

Then I returned to my fellows, who received me with embraces; but his comrades, freeing his foot from the stirrup, dealt with him and with us as honest fellows, for they returned me my glove with all praise. But even when I deemed my reputation to be at its height, came five-and-twenty musqueteers from Rehnen, who laid me and my comrades by the heels. Then presently I was clapped in chains and sent to headquarters, for all duels were forbidden on pain of death.

Chap. X : HOW THE MASTER-GENERAL OF ORDNANCE GRANTED THE HUNTSMAN HIS LIFE AND HELD OUT HOPES TO HIM OF GREAT THINGS

Now as our General of Ordnance was wont to keep strict discipline, I looked to lose my head: yet had I hopes to escape, because I had at so early an age ever carried myself well against the enemy, and gained great name and fame for courage. Yet was this hope uncertain because, by reason of such things happening daily, ‘twas necessary to make an example. Our men had but just beat up a dangerous nest of rats, and demanded a surrender, yet had received a denial; for the enemy knew we had no heavy artillery. For that reason Count von der Wahl appeared with all our force before the said place, demanded a surrender once more by a trumpeter, and threatened to storm the town. Yet all he got thereby was the writing that here followeth:

“High and well-born Count, &c.,--From your Excellency’s letter to me I understand what you suggest to me in the name of his Imperial Roman Majesty. Now your Excellency, with his great understanding, must be well aware how improper, nay unjustifiable, it were for a soldier to surrender a place like this to the adversary without especial necessity. For which reason your Excellency will not, I hope, blame me if I wait till his means of attack are sufficient. But if your Excellency have occasion to employ my small powers in any services but those touching my allegiance, I shall ever be,
“ Your Excellency’s most obedient servant,
“ N. N.”

Thereupon was much discussion in our camp about this place; for to leave it alone was not to be thought on: to storm it without a breach would have cost much blood, and ‘twould have been uncertain even then whether we should succeed or not: and if we had to fetch our heavy pieces and all their equipment from Munster5 and Ham, ‘twould cost much time, trouble, and expense. So while great and small were hard at work a-reasoning, it came into my head that I should use this opportunity to get free: so I set all my wits to work, and reflected how one might cheat the enemy, seeing ‘twas only the cannon that were wanted. And pretty soon I had devised a trick and let my lieutenant-colonel know I had plans by which the place could be secured without trouble and expense, if only I could be pardoned and set free. Yet some old and tried soldiers laughed and said, “Drowning men catch at straws; and this good fellow thinks to talk himself out of gaol.”

But the lieutenant-colonel himself, with others that knew me, listened to my words as to an article of belief; wherefore he went himself to the Master-General of the Ordnance and laid before him my plan, with the recital, moreover, of many things that he could tell of me: and inasmuch as the Count had already heard of the Huntsman, he had me brought before him and for so long loosed from my bonds. He was set at table when I came, and my lieutenant-colonel told him how the spring before, having stood my first hour as sentry under St. James’s Gate at Soest, a heavy rain with thunder and wind had suddenly come on, and when, each running wind had suddenly come on, and when, each running from the fields and the gardens into the town, there was great press of foot and horse, I had had the wit to call out the guard, because in such a tumult a town was easiest to take. “At last,” said the lieutenant-colonel further, “came an old woman dripping wet, and said even as she passed by the huntsman, ‘Yea, I have felt this storm in my back for a fortnight.’ So the huntsman, hearing this and having a rod in his hand, smote her with it over the shoulder, and says he, ‘Thou old witch, couldst thou not let it loose before; must though wait till I stood sentry?’ And when his officer rebuked him he answered, ‘She is rightly served: the old carrion crow had heard a month ago how all were crying out for rain: why did she not let honest folk have it before? It had been better for the barley and hops.’”

At this the general, though he was in general a stern man, laughed heartily; but I thought, “If the colonel tell him of such fools’ tricks, surely he will not have failed to speak of my other devices.” So I was brought in, and when the general asked what was my plan I answered, “Gracious sir, although my fault and your Excellency’s order and prohibition do both deny me my life, yet my most humble loyalty, which is due from me towards his Imperial Majesty, my most gracious Lord, even to the death, bids me so far as lies in my weak power yet do the enemy a damage, and further the interests and arms of his Majesty.” So the general cut me short, and says he, “Didst thou not lately give me the negro?” “Yea, gracious sir,” said I. Then said he, “Well, thy zeal and loyalty might perhaps serve to spare thy life: but what plan hast thou to bring the enemy out of this place without great loss in time and men?” So I answered, “Since the town cannot resist heavy artillery, my humble opinion is that the enemy would soon come to terms if he did but really believe we had such pieces.” “That,” said the general, “a fool could have told me; but who will persuade them so to believe?” Then I answered, “Thine own eyes; I have examined their Mainguard with a perspective glass, and it can be easily deceived; if we did but set a few baulks of timber, shaped like water-pipes, on wagons, and haul them into the field with many horses, they will certainly believe they are heavy pieces, specially if your Excellency will order works to be thrown up about the field as if to plant canon there.” “My dear little friend,” answered the Count, “they be not children in the town: they will not believe this pantomime, but will require to hear thy guns; and if the trick fail,” says he to the officers that stood around, “we shall be mocked of all the world.” But I answered, “Gracious sir, an I can but have a pair of double musquets and a pretty large cask, I will make them to hear great guns: only beyond the sound there can be no further effect: but if against all expectation naught but mockery ensure, then shall I, the inventor, that must in any case die, take with me that mockery and purge it away with my life.”

Yet the general liked it not, but my colonel persuaded him to it; for he said I was in such cases so lucky that he doubted not this trick would succeed: so the Count ordered him to settle the matter as he thought it could best be done, and said to him in jest that the honour he should gain thereby should be reckoned to him alone.

So three such baulks were brought to hand, and before each were harnessed four-and-twenty horses, though two had been sufficient: and these towards evening we brought up in full sight of the foe: and meanwhile I had gotten me three double musquets and a great cask from a mansion near at hand, and set all in order as I would have it: and by night this was added to our fool’s artillery. The double musquets I charged twice over and had them discharged through the said cask, of which the bottom had been knocked out, as if it was three trial shots being fired. Which sounded so thunderously that any man had sworn they were great serpents or demi-culverins. Our general must needs laugh at such trickery, and again offered the enemy terms, with the addition that if they did not agree that same evening it would not go so easily with them the next day. Thereupon hostages were exchanged and terms arranged, and the same night one gate of the town put into our hands, and this was well indeed for me: for the Count not only granted me my life that by his order I had forfeited, but set me free the same night and commanded the lieutenant-colonel in my presence to appoint me to the first ensigncy that should fall vacant: which was not to his taste (for he had cousins and kinsmen many in waiting) that I should be promoted before them.

********

1.The Vecht was a river starting at the Zuider Zee within the Lordship of Overyssel in the Netherlands. (Shepherd, William R. Shepherd’s Historical Atlas. Totowa: Barnes and Noble Books, 1980. 117.)
2.Paderborn, a city in northwest Germany, was occupied by William of Hesse-Kassel’s army and a Swedish army under Duke George of Brunswick-Luneburg in 1633. (Parker, Geoffrey. The Thirty Years’ War. London: Routledge & Kegan Paul, 1984. 133.)
3.Frederick Henry, Prince of Orange, was the leader of the army as well as in charge of all Dutch domestic and foreign policy at the pinnacle of his power in 1640. (Cooper, J.P., ed. New Cambridge Modern History. Volume IV The Decline of Spain and the Thirty Years War 1609-48/59. London: Cambridge University Press. 1970. 375.)
4.The Ems was a river starting at the North Sea running from the County of East Friesland to the Bishopric of Munster which became an Ecclesiastical state after 1648. (Shepherd, William R. Shepherd’s Historical Atlas. Totowa: Barnes and Noble Books, 1980. 122.)
§ The musqueteer supported his piece on a prop or stake. [Goodrich’s note]
5.Munster, a town located in the Bishopric of Munster, was one of two places specified for negotiations in the Franco-Swedish treaty of 1641 (the other being Osnabruck). Spain, France, and other Catholic states established their base for negotiations here. (Parker, Geoffrey. The Thirty Years’ War. London: Routledge and Kegan Paul plc, 1984. 173.)

Edited by Margaret Riley

Chapter XI: Contains All Manner of Matters of Little Import and Great Imagination

On this expedition nothing more of note happened to me: but when I came again to Soest I found the Hessians from Lippstadt had captured my servant that I had left to guard my baggage, together with one horse that was at pasture. From my servant the enemy learned of my ways and works, and therefore held me higher than before, as having been persuaded by common report I was but a sorcerer. He told them, moreover, he had been one of the devils that had so dismayed the Huntsman of Wesel in the sheep-fold: which when the said huntsman heard of, he was so shamed that he took to his heels again and fled from Lippstadt to the Hollanders. But it was my greatest good fortune that this servant of mine was taken, as will be seen in the sequel.
Now I began to behave myself somewhat more reputably than before, as having such fine hopes of presently being made ensign: so be degrees I joined company with officers and young noblemen that were eager for that office which I imagined I should soon get: for this reason they were my worst enemies, and yet gave themselves out to be my best friends: even the lieutenant-colonel was no longer good to me; for he had orders to promote me before his own kindred. My captain was my enemy because I had made a better show in horses, clothing, and arms than he, and no longer spent so much on the old miser as before. He had rather have seen my head hewn off than an ensigncy promised me: for he had thought to inherit my fine horses. In like manner my lieutenant hated me for a single word that I had lately without thought let slip: which came about thus: we two were on the last expedition ordered to a lonely post as vendettas: and as the turn to watch fell to me (which must be done lying down, besides that it was a pitch-dark night), the lieutenant comes to me creeping on his belly like a snake, and says he, “Sentry, dost thou mark aught?” So I answered, “Yea, Herr Lieutenant.” And “What? what?” says he. I answered, “I mark that your honor is afeared.” And from thenceforward I had no more favour with him. Wherever the danger was greatest thither was I sent first of all: yea, he sought in all places and at all time to dust my jacket before I became ensign, and so could not defend myself. Nor were the sergeants less my enemies, because I preferred them to all. And as to the privates, they too began to fail in their love and friendship to me, because it seemed I despised them, inasmuch as I no longer consorted specially with them but, as foresaid, with greater Jacks, which loved me none the more.
But the worst was that no man told me how each was minded towards me, and so I could not perceive it, for many a one talked to me in friendliest wise that had sooner seen me dead. So I lived like a blind man in all security and even haughtier: and though I knew that it vexed this one and made a greater show than nobleman and officers of rank, yet I held not back. I feared not to wear a collar of sixty-rix dollars, red-scarlet hose, and white satin sleeves, trimmed all over with gold, which was at that time the dress of the highest officers: and therefore an eyesore to all. Yet was I a terribly young fool so to play the lord: for I had dealt otherwise and bestowed the money I so uselessly did hang upon my body in proper ways, I should have soon gained my ensigncy and also not have made so many enemies. Yet I stopped not here, but decked out my best horse, which Jump-i’th’-field had gotten from the Hessian captain, with saddle, bridle, and arms in such fashion that when I was mounted one might well have taken me for another St. George.1 And nothing grieved me more than to know I was no nobleman, and so could not clothe my servant and horse-boys in livery. Yet, I thought, all things have their beginning; if thou hast a coat-of-arms than canst thou have thine own livery; and when thou art an ensign, thou must have a signet-ring, thou art no nobleman. I was not long pregnant with thee thoughts, but had a coat-of-arms devised for me by a herald, which was three red masks in a white field, and for a crest, the bust of a young jester in a calfskin with a pair of hare’s ears, adorned with little balls in front: for I thought this suited best with my name, being called Simplicissimus. And so would I have the fool to remind me in the future high estate what manner of fellow I had been in Hanau, lest I should become too proud, for already I thought no small things of myself. And so was I properly the first of my name and race and escutcheon, and if any had jeered at me thereupon, I had presented him a sword or a pair of pistols. And though I had yet no thoughts of womankind, yet all the same I went with the young nobles when they visited young ladies, of whom there were many in the town, to let myself be seen and to make a show with my fine hair, clothes, and plumes. I must confess that for the sake of my figure I was preferred before all, yet must I all the same hear how the spoilt baggages compared me with a fair and well-cut statue in which, besides its beauty, was neither strength nor sap; for that was all they desired in me: and except the lute-playing there was nothing I could do or perform to please them: for of love as yet I knew nothing. But when they that knew how to pay their court would gibe at me for my wooden behaviour and awkwardness, to make themselves more beloved and to show off their ready speech, then would I answer, ‘twas enough for me if I could still find my pleasure in a bright sword or a good musquet, and the ladies held me right: and this angered the gentlemen so that they secretly swore to have my life, though there was none that had heart enough to challenge me or give me cause enough to challenge one of them, for which a couple of buffets or insults would have been sufficient; and I gave every chance for this by my loose talk, from which the ladies argued I must be a man of mettle, and said openly my figure and my noble heart could plead better with any lady than all the compliments that Cupid2ever devised: and that made the rest angrier than ever.

Chapter: XII: How Fortune Unexpectedly Bestowed on the Huntsman a Noble Present

I had two fine horses that were at that time all the joy I had in the world. Every day I rode them in the riding-school or else for amusement, if I had naught else to do; not indeed that the horses had anything to do, but I did it that people might see that the fine creature belonged to me. And when I went pranking down a street, or rather the horse prancing under me, and the stupid multitude looking on and saying, “Look, ‘tis the huntsman! See what a fine horse! Ah, what a handsome plume!” I pricked up mine ears and was as pleased as if the Queen of Sheba had likened me to Solomon3 in all his glory. Yet, fool that I was, I heard not what perhaps at that time wise folk thought of me or mine enviers said of me: these last doubtless wished I might break my neck, since they could not do it for me: and others assuredly thought that if all men had their own I could not practice such foolish swaggering. In a word, the wisest must have held me without a doubt for a young Colin Clout4, whose pride would certainly not last long, because it stood upon a bad foundation and must be supported only be uncertain plunder. And if I must confess the truth, I must grant that these judged not amiss, though then I understood it not. For ‘twas this and only this with me: that I would have made his shirt warm for any man or adversary that had to deal with me, so that I might well have passed for a simple, good soldier though I was but a child. But, ‘twas this cause made me so great a man, that nowadays the veriest horse-boy can shoot the greatest hero in the world; and had not gunpowder been invented I must have put my pride in my pocket.
Now ‘twas my custom in these rides to examine all ways and paths, all ditches, marshes, thickets, hills and streams, make myself acquainted with them and fix them in my memory, so that if one ever had occasion to skirmish with the enemy I might employ the advantage of the place both for offense and defense. To this end I rode once not far from the town by an old ruin where formerly a house had stood. At the first sight I thought this were a fit place to lay an ambush or to retreat to, specially for us dragoons if we should be outnumbered and chased by calvalry. So I rode into the courtyard, whose walls were pretty well ruined, to see if at a pinch one could take refuge there on horseback and how one could defend it on foot. But when to this end I would view all exactly and sought to ride to the cellar, the walls of which were still standing, I could neither with kindness nor force bring my horse, which commonly feared nought, to go where I would. I spurred him till I was vexed, but it availed not: so I dismounted and led him by the bridle down the ruined steps which he had shied at, so that I should know how to act another time: but he backed as much as he could; yet at length with gentle words and strokings I had him down, and while I patted and caressed him I found that he was sweating with fear, and ever staring into one corner of the cellar, into which he would be no means go, and in which I could see naught at which the most skittish beast could shy. But as I stood there full of wonder and looked upon my horse all a-tremble with fear, there came on me also such a terror that ‘twas even as if I was dragged upwards by the hair and a bucket of cold water poured down my back; yet I could see nothing; but the horse acted more and more strangely, till I could fancy nothing else but I was perhaps bewitched, horse and all, and should come by my end in that same cellar. So I would fain go back, but the horse would not follow, and thereat I grew more dismayed and so confused that in truth I knew not what I did. At last I took a pistol in my hand, and tied the horse to a strong elder-tree that grew in the cellar, intending to go forth and find people near by that could help to fetch the horse out; but as I was about this it came into my head that perchance some treasure lay hid in this old ruin, which was therefore haunted. To this conceit I gave heed, and looked round more exactly. And just in this place to which my horse refused to go I was aware of a part of the wall, unlike the rest both in colour and masonry, and about the bigness of a common chamber-shutter. But when I would approach ‘twas with me as before, namely, that my hair stood on end; and this strengthened my belief that a treasure must there be hid.
Ten times, nay a hundred times, sooner would I have exchanged shots with an enemy that have found myself in such a terror. I was plagued and knew not by what: for I heard and saw naught. So I took the other pistol from the holster as meaning with it to go off and leave that horse, yet could I not again mount the steps, for as it seemed to me a strong draught of wind kept me back; and now I felt my flesh creep indeed. At last it came into my mind to fire the pistols that the peasants that worked in the fields close by might run to the spot and help me with word and deed. And this I did because I neither knew nor could think of any other means to escape from this evil place of wonders: and I was so enraged, or rather so deperate (for I knew not myself how ‘twas with me), that as I fired I aimed my pistols at the very place wherein I believed the cause of my plight lay, and with both balls I hit the before-mentioned piece of wall so hard that they made a hole wherein a man could set both his fists. Now no sooner had I fired than my horse neighed and pricked up his ears, which heartily rejoiced me: I knew not whether ‘twas because the goblin or spectre had vanished or because the poor beast was roused by the noise of fire-arms, but ‘tis certain I plucked up heart again and went without hindrance of fear to the hole, which I had just opened by the shot; and there I began to break down the wall completely, and found silver, gold, and jewels so rich a treasure as would have kept me in comfort to this day, if I had but known how to keep it and dispose of it well. There were six dozen old French silver-tankards, a great gold cup, some double tankards, four silver and one golden salt-cellar, one old French golden chain, and divers diamonds, rubies, emeralds, and sapphires set in rings and in other jewelry; also a whole casquet full of pearls, but all spoiled or discoloured, and then in a mouldy leather bag eighty of the oldest Joachim dollars of fine silver, likewise 893 gold pieces with the French arms and an eagle, a coin which none could recognise, because, as folks said, no one could read, the inscription. This money, with the rings and jewels, I strapped into my breeches-pockets, my boots and my holsters, and because I had no bag with me, since I had ridden forth for pleasure, I cut the housing from my saddle, and into it I packed the silver vessels (for ‘twas lined, and would serve me well as a sack), hung the golden chain around my neck, mounted my horse joyfully, and rode towards my quarters. But as I came out of the courtyard I was aware of two peasants, that would have run as soon as they saw me: yet having six feet and level country I easily overtook them, and asked why they would have fled and were so terribly afeared. So they said they had thought I was the ghost that dwelt in that deserted court, and if any came too near to him was wont to mishandle them miserably. Then as I asked further of his ways, they told me that for fear of this monster ‘twas often many years that no one came near that place, save some stranger who had lost his way and come thither by chance. The story went, they said, that an iron trough full of money lay within guarded by a black dog, and also a maiden that had a curse upon her; and to follow the old story they had themselves heard from their grandsires, there should come into land a strange nobleman that knew neither his father nor mother, and should rescue the maiden, and open the trough with a key of fire, and carry off the hidden gold. And of such foolish fables they told me many more; but because they are but ill to hear, I here cut them short for briefness. Thereafter I did ask them what they had been about, since at other times they dared not go into the ruin. They answered they had heard a shot and a loud cry; and had run up to see what was to do. But when I told them ‘twas I that shot in the hope that people would come into the ruin, because I too was pretty much afeared, but knew nought of any cry, they answered, “There might be shots enough heard in that castle before any of our neighbourhood would come thither; for in truth ‘tis so ghostly beset that was have not believed my lord if he said he had been therein, an we had not ourselves seen him ride out thence.”
So then they would know many things of me, especially what manner of place it was within and whether I had not seen the damsel and the black dog sitting on the iron trough, so that if I desired to brag I could have put strange fancies in their heads: but I said not the least word, not even that I had gotten the costly treasure, but rode away to my quarters and looked upon my find, which mightily delighted me.

Chapter XIII: Of Simplicissimus’ Strange and Fancies and How He Guarded His Treasure

Now they that know the worth of money, and therefore take it for their god, have no little reason on their side; for if there be a man in the world that hath experienced its powers and wellnigh divine virtues, that man am I. For I know a man fares that hath a fair provision thereof; yet have I never yet known how he should feel that had never a farthing in his pouch. Yea, I could even take upon me to prove that this same money possessed all virtues and powers more than any precious stones; for it can drive away all melancholia like the diamond: it causeth love and inclination to study, like the emerald (for so comes it that commonly students have more money than poor folk’s children): it taketh away fear and maketh man joyful and happy like unto the ruby: ‘tis often an hindrance to sleep, like the garnet: on the other hand, it hath great power to produce repose of mind and so sleep, like the jacinth: it strengheneth lively and kind, like the sapphire and amethyst: it driveth away bad dreams, giveth joy, sharpeneth the understanding, and if one have a plaint against another gaineth him the victory, like the sardius (and in especial if the judge’s palm be first well oiled therewith): it quencheth unchaste desire, for by means of gold one can possess fair women: and in a word, ‘tis not to be exprest what gold can do, as I have before set forth in my book intituled “Black and White,” if any man know how rightly to use and employ this information. As to mine own money that I had then brought together, both with robbery and the finding of this treasure, it had a special power of its own: for first of all it made me prouder than I was before, so much so that it vexed me to the heart that I must still be called “Simplicissimus” only. It spoiled my sleep like the amethyst: for many a night I lay awake and did speculate how I could put it out to advantage and get more to put to it. Yea, and it made me a most perfect reckoner, for I must calculate what mine uncoined silver and gold might be worth, and adding this to that which I had borrowed here and there, and which was yet in my purse, I found without the precious stones a fine overplus. Yet did my money prove to me its unborn roguery and evil inclination to temptation, inasmuch as it did fully expound to me the proverb “He that hath much will ever have more,” and me so miserly that any man might well have hated me. From my money I got many foolish plans and strange fancies in my brain, and yet could follow out no conceit of all that I devised. At one time I thought I would leave the wars and betake myself somewither and spend my days in fatness a-looking out the window; but quickly I repent me of that, and in especial because I considered what a free life I now led and what hopes I had to become a great Jack. And then my thought was this, “Up and away, Simplicissimus, and get thyself made a nobleman and raise thine own company of dragoons for the emperor at thine own cost: and presently thou art a perfected young lord that with the times can rise yet higher.” Yet as soon as I reflected that this my greatness could be made small by any unlucky engagement, or be ended by a peace that should bring the war soon to a finish, I could not find this plan to my taste. So then I began to wish I had my full age as a man: for hadst thou that, which I to myself, thou couldst take a rich young wife, and so buy thee a nobleman’s estate somewhere and lead a peaceful life. There would I betake myself to the rearing of cattle and enjoy my sufficiency to the full: yet as I knew I was too young for this, I must let that plan go by the board also.
Such and the like conceits had I many, till at last I resolved to give over my best effects to some man of substance in some safe town to keep, and to wait how fortune would further deal with me. Now at that time I had my Jupiter still with me: for indeed I could not be rid of him; and seeing my in deep thought he says to me, “Dear son, give away your blood money; gold, silver and all.” “And why?” said I, “dear Jupiter?” “Oh,” says he, “to get you friends and be rid of your useless cares.” To which I answered, “I would fain have more of such.” Then says he, “Get more: but in such a fashion will ye never in your life have more friends nor more peace: leave it to old misers to be greedy, but do ye behave as becomes a fine young lad: for ye shall sooner lack good friends than good money.”
So I pondered on the matter, and found that Jupiter reasoned well of the case: yet greed hath such a hold on me that I could not resolve to give away aught. Yet I did at last present to the commandant a pair of silver-gilt double tankards and to my captain a couple of silver salt-cellars, by which I achieved nothing more than to make their mouths water for the rest: for these were rare pieces of antiquity. My true comrade Jump-i’th’-field I rewarded with twelve-six dollars; who in return advised me I should either make away with my riches or else expect to fall into misfortune by their means: for, said he, it liked the officers not that a common soldier should have more money than they: and he himself had known this: that one comrade should secretly, murder another for the sake of money: till, now, said he, I had been able to keep secret what I had gotten in booty, for all believed I had spent it on clothes, horses, and arms: but now I could conceal nought nor make folks believe I had no secret store of money: for each one made out the treasure I had found to be greater than it was: and yet I spent not so much as before. Not could he help but hear what rumours went about among the men: and were he in my place he would let wars be wars: would settle himself in safety somewhere, and let the Lord God rule the world as he will. But I answered, “Harkye, brother, how can I throw to the winds my hope of an ensigncy?” “Yea, yea,” says Jump-i’th’-field, “but devil take me if thou ever get thine ensigncy. The others that wait for it would help to break thy neck a thousand times over if they saw that such a post was vacant and thou to have it. Teach me not to know salmon from trout, for my father was a fisherman! And be not angry with me, brother for I have seen how it fares in war longer than thou. Seest thou not how many a sergeant grows grey with his spontoon that deserved to have a company before many others. Thinkest thou they are not fellows who have some right to hope? And indeed they have more right to such promotion than thou, as thou thyself must confess.” Nor could I answer aught, for Jump-i’th’-field did but speak the truth from an honest German heart, and flattered me not: yet must I bite my lip in secret: for I thought at that time mighty well of myself. Yet I weighed this speech and that of my Jupiter full carefully, and considered that I had no natural-born friend that would help me in straits or revenge my death open or secret. And I myself could see plain enough how it stood with me: yet neither my desire of honour nor love of money would leave me: and still less my hope to become great, to leave the wars, and to be in peace; nay, rather I held to my first plan; and when a chance offered for Cologne5, whither I, with some hundred dragoons, was ordered to convoy certain carriers and wagons of merchandise from Munster, I packed up my treasure, took it with me, and gave it in charge to one of the first merchants in the city to be drawn out on production of an exact list of the things. Now it was seventy-four marks of uncoined silver, fifteen marks of gold, eighty Joachim dollars, and in a sealed casquet divers rings and jewels, which, with gold and precious stones, weighed eight and a half pounds in all, together with 893 ancient golden coins that were worth each a gold gulden and a half. With me I took my Jupiter, as he desired, and had kinsfolk of repute Cologne: to whom he boasted of the good turns I had done him and caused me to be received of them with great honour. Yet did he never cease to council me that I should bestow my money better and buy myself friends that would be more service to me than money in my purse.

**********

1. St. George, or George of Cappadocia, was the most famous dragon-slaying saint during the Middle Ages. His story revolves around the rescue of a damsel who is held captive by a dragon in Libya. The story was enormously popular in the thirteenth century when it was written as the "Legenda Aurea" (The Golden Legend) by Jacobus de Voragine. "St. George," Medieval Folklore (Santa Barbara: ABC-CLIO, 2000), vol.1, p.235.

2. Cupid was the Roman god of love, borrowed from Greek mythology where he was known as Eros. In the Roman tradition he is depicted as a mischevious infant with wings and a bow and arrow, while in the Greek literature he is portrayed as a handsome young man. "Cupid," Collier's Encyclopedia (New York: Collier's, 1996), vol.7, p.569.

3. According to the Bible, the Queen of Sheba, a country in what is now Saudi Arabia, traveled to Jerusalem to test the wisdom of Solomon. He proved himself to her and she bestowed on him many lavish gifts while he gave her "every desire that she expressed." "Sheba, Queen of," Berdman's Dictionary of the Bible (Grand Rapids: William B. Eerdman's Publishing Company, 2000), p.1199.

4.The English poet and humanist John Skelton wrote Colin Clout in 1522. Skelton, who was Henry VIII's tutor, was best known for his satirical (and often obscene) books aimed at the courts and clergy (especially Cardinal Wolsey) of England. "John Skelton," Columbia Encyclopedia Online, (Columbia: Columbia University, 2000) http://www.bartleby.com/65/sk/Skelton.html

5. A city in what is now Germany (located in the North Rhine-Westphalia), Cologne houses one of the largest cathedrals in Europe built in 1248. The city was orginially an Ubii settlement, but was a Roman colony in 50 AD before being passed to the control of the Frankish kings in later centuries. "Cologne," Collier's Encyclopedia (New York: Collier's, 1996) vol. 6, p.729-730.

Edited by Scott Silvestro

Chapter XIV: HOW THE HUNTSMAN WAS CAPTURED BY THE ENEMY.

So on the journey home I pondered much how I should carry myself in future, so that I might get the favour of all: for Jump-I’th’field had put a troublesome flea in my ear, and had made me to believe I was envied of all: and in truth t’was no otherwise. And now came into my mind what the famous prophetess of Soest[1] had once said,* and so I burdened myself with yet greater cares. Yet with these thoughts did I sharpen my wit, and perceived that a man that should live without cares would be dull as any beast. Then I considered for what reason one and the other might hate me, and how I might deal with each to have his goodwill again, yet most of all I must wonder how men could be so false and yet give me nought but good words whereas they loved me not. For that cause I determined to deal as others did, and to say what would please each, yea, to approach every man with respect though I felt it not: for most of all I felt t’was mine own pride had burdened me with the most enemies. Therefore I held it needful to shew myself humble again, though I was not, and to consort again with common folk, but to approach my betters hat in hand and to refrain from all finery in dress till my rank should be bettered. From the merchant in Cologne I had drawn 100 dollars, to repay the same with interest when he should return my treasure: these hundred dollars I was minded to spend on the way for the behoof of the escort, as now perceiving that greed makes no friends, and therefore was resolved on this very journey to alter my ways and make a new beginning. Yet did I reckon without mine host; for as we would pass through the duchy of Berg[2] there waited for us in a post of vantage eighty musketeers and fifty troopers, even when I was ordered forward with four others and a corporal to ride in front and to spy out the road. So the enemy kept quiet when we came into the ambush and let us pass, lest if they had attacked us the convoy should be warned before they came into the pass where they were: but after us they sent a cornet and eight troopers that kept us in sight until their people had attacked our escort itself, and we turned round to protect the wagons: at which they rode down upon us and asked, would we have quarter. Now for my part I was well mounted: for I had my best horse under me: yet would I not run,but rode up a little hillock to see if honour was to be had by fighting. Yet I was presently aware, by the noise of the volley that our people received, what o’clock it was, and so disposed myself to flight. But the cornet had thought of all, and already cut off our retreat, and as I was preparing to cut my way through he once again offered me quarter, for he thought me an officer. So I considered that to make sure of one’s life is better than an uncertain hazard, and therefore asked, would he keep his promise of quarter as an honest soldier: he answered, “Yes, honestly.” So I presented him my sword and rendered myself up a prisoner. At once he asked me of what condition I was: for he took me for a nobleman and therefore an officer. Bit when I answered him, I was called the Huntsman of Soest, “Then art thou lucky,” says he, “ that thou didst not fall into our hands a month ago: for then could I have thee no quarter since then thou wast commonly held among our people as a declared sorcerer.” This cornet was a fine young cavalier and not more than two years older than I, and was mighty proud to have the honour of taking the famous huntsman: therefore he observed the promised quarter very honourably and in Dutch fashion, which is to take from their Spanishprisoners of war nothing that they carried under their belt: nay, he did not even have me searched; but I had wit enough to take the money out of my pockets and present it to him when they came to a division of spoils ; and I also told the cornet secretly to look to it that he got as his share my horse, saddle and harness, for he would find thirty ducats in the saddle, and the horse had hardly his equal anywhere. And for this cause the cornet was much my friend as if I had been his own brother: for at once he mounted my horse and set me on his own. But of the escort no more than six were dead, and thirteen prisoners, of whom eight were wounded : the rest fled and had not heart enough to retake the booty from the enemy in fairfield, the which they could have done, as being all mounted men against infantry.

Now when the plunder and the prisoners had been shared, the Swedes and Hessians[3] ( for they were from different garrisons ) separated the same evening. But the cornet kept me and the corporal, together with three other dragoon, as his share because he had captured us: and so were we brought to a fortress which lay but a few miles from our own garrison. * And inasmuch as I had raised plenty of smoke in that town before, my name was there well known and I myself more feared than loved. So when we had the place in sight the cornet sent a trooper in advance to announce his coming to the commandant, and to tell him how he had fared and who the prisoners were, whereat there was a concourse in the town that was not to be described, for each would fain see the huntsman. One said this of me, and another that; and the sight was for all the world as if some great potentate had made his entry. But we prisoners were brought straight to the commandant, who was much amazed at my youth; and asked had I never served on the Swedish side, and of what country I was : and when I told him the truth he would know if I had no desire to serve again on their side. I answered him that in other respects 'twas to me indifferent: but that I sworn an oath to the emperor and therefore methought 'twas my duty to keep such. Thereupon he ordered us to be taken to the prize-master, but allowed the cornet, at his request, to treat us as his guests, because I had before so treated mine own prisoner and among them his own brother. So when evening was come there was a gathering both of soldiers of fortune and cavaliers of birth at the cornet’s quarters, who sent for me and the corporal: and there was I, to speak the truth, extraordinary courteously entreated by them. I made merry as if I had lost nothing, and carried myself as confidently and openheartedas I had been no prisoner in the hands of my enemy but among my best friends. Yet I showed myself as modest as might be ; for I could well imagine that my behaviour would be noted to the commandant, which was so, as I afterwards learned.

Next day we prisoners, one after another, were brought before the regimental judge-advocate-general, who examined us, the corporal first, and me second. But as soon as I entered the room he was filled with wonder at my youth, and to cast it in my teeth, “My child,” says he, “ what have the Swedes done to thee that thou shouldst fight against them?”

Now this angered me: for I seen as young soldiers among them as I was : so I answered, “The Swedes had robbed me of my coral and bells and my baby’s rattle, and I would have them back.” And as I thus paid him back in his own coin, the officers that satby him were shamed, insomuch that one of them began to say to him in Latin he should treat me seriously, for he could hear that it was no child that he had before him. In that I was ware that his name was Eusebius; for the officer so addressed him. So presently when he had asked my name, and I had told him, “ There is no devil in hell,” says he, “that is called Simplicissimus.” “Nay,” answered I, “and 'tis like there is none named Eusebius.” And so I paid him back like our old muster-clerk Cyriak; yet this pleased not the officers, who bade me remember I was their prisoner, and was not brought there to pass jests. At this reproofI blushed not, but answered: inasmuch as they held me prisoner like a soldier, and would not let me run away like a child, I had taken care that they should not make sport with as with a child: as I had been questioned, so had I answered and hoped I had done no wrong therein. So they asked me of my country and of my family, but especially if I had never served on the Swedish side: item, how it was with the garrison of Soest: how strong it was, and all the rest. To all which I answered quick and short and well, and in respect of Soest and its garrison as much as I could confidently state : yet I might well keep silence concerning my life as a jester, for of this I was ashamed.

Chapter XV: ON WHAT CONDITION THE HUNTSMAN WAS SET FREE.

Meanwhile 'twas known at Soest how fared with the convoy, how I and the corporal had been captured and wither we had been taken; and therefore next day came a drummer to fetch us back: whereupon the corporal and the three others were delivered up, together with a letter to the following purport ( for the commandant sent it to me to read ) :

“Monsieur, etc., -By the bearer, your tambour, your message hath been delivered : and in answer thereto I restore herewith, in return for ransom received, the corporal and the three other prisoners : but as concerns Simplicissimus, called the Huntsman, the same cannot be allowed to return, as having once served on this side. But if I can serve your honour in any matters short of those touching my allegiance, you have in me a willing servant, and as such I remain,

“Your honour’s obedient servant,

“ [DANIEL] DE S[AINT] A[NDRE].”*

Now this letter did not half please me, yet I must return thanks to him for suffering me to see it. But when I asked to speak with the commandant I received answer he would himself send for me as soon as he had dispatched the drummer, which should be done next morning : till then I must be patient.

So when I had waited the appointed time, the commandant sent for me, and that just at dinner-time, and then for the first time the honour fell to me of sitting at table with him. And so long as the meal lasted, he drank to my health and said no word, great or small, of the business he had with me; nor was it my part to begin. But the meal now ended and I being somewhat fuddled, says he, “My friend the Huntsman, ye will have understood from my letter under what pretext I have kept ye here: and indeed I intend no wrong or anything contrary to reason and the usage of war, for yourself have confessed to me and the judge-advocate that you once served on our side in the main army, and therefore must resolve yourself to take service under my command. And in time, if ye behave yourself well, I will so advance you as ye behave yourself well, I will so advance you as ye could never have hoped for among the Imperials, otherwise ye must not take it ill if I send you to that lieutenant-colonel from whom the dragoons before captured you.” To which I answered, “Worshipful colonel” (for at the time 'twas not the usage that soldiers of fortune were entitled “your honour” even though they were colonels), “I hope, since I am bound by oath neither to the crown of Sweden nor its confederates, and still less to that lieutenant-colonel, that I am therefore not bound to take service with the Swedes and so to break the oath which I swore to the emperor, therefore beg the worshipful colonel with all humility to be good enough to relieve me from such a proposal.” How?” says the colonel, “do ye despise the Swedish service? I would have you to know ye are my prisoner, and sooner than let you go to Soest to do the enemy service I will bring you to another trial or let you rot in prison.” And so, said he, I might lay my account.

Truly at these words I was afeared, yet would not yet give in, but answered, God would protect both from such despiteful treatment and from perjury: for the rest, I persisted in my humble hope that the colonel would, according to his known reputation, deal with me as with a soldier. “Yea, “ said he, I know well how I could treat ye if I would be strict; but be ye better advised, lest I find cause to shrew you other countenance,” And with that I was led back to the prison.

And now can any man guess that I slept not much that night, but had all manner of thoughts: and next morning came certain officers with the cornet that had taken me, under colour of passing time, but in truth to tell me that colonel was minded to have me tried as a sorcerer if I would not otherwise be content. So would they have terrified me, and found out what my powers were: yet as I had the comfort of a good conscience, I took all coolly and said but little, as seeing well that the colonel cared for nothing but this: that he would fain have me no more at Soest. And well might he suppose that if he once let me go I should not leave that place, where I hoped for promotion and moreover had two fine horses there and other things of price. Next day he had me brought to him and asked, had I resolved otherwise. So I answered, “ Colonel, to this I am determined that I would sooner die than be perjured. Yet if the worshipful colonel will set me free and be pleased not to call upon me to do any warlike service, then will I promise him with heart, mouth, and hand to bear and use no arms against the Swedes and Hessians for the space of six months.”

To that he agreed at once, gave me his hand upon it, and forgave me my ransom; further he commanded his secretary to draw up an agreement to that effect in duplicate, which we both subscribed, wherein he promised me protection and all freedom so long as I should remain in the fortress entrusted to him. On the other hand, I bound myself to the two points above named, videcet: that I, so long as I should sojourn in the fortress, would neither undertake anything to hurt of the garrison and its commander, nor would conceal aught that was intended to their prejudice and damage, but would much more further their profit and benefit, and prevent any damage to them to the best of my ability-yea, that if the place were attacked I should and would help defend it.

Chapter XVI : HOW SIMPLICISSIMUS BECAME A NOBLEMAN.

When a thing is to be, all things shape themselves to that end. Now did I conceive that fortune had taken me to husband, or at least bound herself so close to me that the most contrary happenings must turn out to my profit: as when I learned at the commandants table that my servant with my two fine horses had com from Soest. But I knew not (what at last I found) that tricky Fortune hath the siren’s art, who do shew themselves kindest to those whom they wish most harm, and so doth raise a man the higher but for this end : to cast him down the deeper. Now this servant, which I had before captured from the Swedes, was beyond measure true to me, who had done him great kindness. He therefore had saddled my two kind horses and rode out a good way from Soest to meet the drummer that should bring me back, that not only I might not have to walk so far, but also that I might not have to return to Soest naked or in rags : for he conceived I had been stripped. So when he met the drummer and the rest of the prisoners there he had my best clothing in a pack. But when he saw me not, but understood I was kept back to take service with the adversary, he set spurs to his horse and says he, “Adieu, tambours, and you too, Corporal : where my master is there will I be also,” so he escaped and came to me at the very time when the commandant had set me free and was shewing me such great honour : who thereupon bestowed my horses in an inn till I could find for myself a lodging to my liking, and called me fortunate by reason of my servant’s faith, yet wondered that I, as a common dragoon, and so young to boot, should possess such fine horses and be so well equipped; nay, when I had taken leave and would go to my inn he praised one horse so loudly that I marked well he would fain have bought him from me. Yet because from modesty he ventured not to make a bid, I said if I might beg for the honour of keeping the horse it was at his service. But he refused roundly, more because I was fairly tipsy, and he would not have the reproach of talking a present out of a drunken man, who might thereafter repent of it, than because he would not fain have had that noble horse.

That night I did consider how I would order my life in time to come; and did decide to remain for the six months even where I was, and so in peace to spend the winter which was now at hand , for which I knew I had money enough for my purposes, with out breaking into my treasure at Cologne. “ In so long a time,” thought I, “thou wilt be full grown and come to thy full strength, and so canst thou next spring take the field with more boldness among the emperor’s troops.”

Early next morning I reviewed my saddle, which was far better lined than the one I had presented to the cornet: and later on I had my horse led to the colonel’s quarters and told him : as I had determined to spend the six months in which 'twas forbidden me to fight, peaceable and under the colonel’s protection, here, my horses were of no use to me, which yet twere pity should be spoiled, and therefore begged him that he would consent to grant this charger here present a place among his own horses, and accept the same favour form me as a mark of grateful acknowledgment of favours received, and that without scruple. The colonel returned me thanks with great civility and very courteous offers of service, and the same afternoon sent me by his steward one fat ox alive, two fat pigs, a hogshead[4] of wine, two hogsheads of beer, twelve cords of firewood ; all which he caused to be brought to me in front of my new lodging, which I had even now hired for half a year, and sent a message: that as he saw I was to live with him, and could easily conceive that I was at first ill-provided with victual, he had therefore sent me for household use a draught of wine and a joint of meat, together with the fuel to cook the same: with this in addition, that whereinsoever he could help me he would not fail. For which I returned thanks as civilly as I could : presented the steward with two ducats, and begged him to commend me to his master.

So when I saw I had gained such credit with the colonel for my liberality, I thought to earn praise also among the common folk, that none should take me for a mere can malingerer : to that end I had my servant called before me in presence of my landlord, and “Friend Nicolas,” said I, “thou hast shewn me more faithfulness than any master can expect from his servant; but now, when I know not how to make it up to thee, as having no master and no leave to fight, wherefrom I might gain booty enough to reward thee as I would fain do, and in respect also of the peaceful life which I do intend henceforth to live, and therefore do need no servitor, I here-with give thee as thy pay the other horse, with saddle, harness and pistols, with the request that thou wouldst be content for the present to seek another master. And if I hereafter can serve thee in any way, do thou not fail to ask.” With that he kissed my hands and for tears could not speak, but would by no means have the horse, but held it better I should turn it into money to use for my maintenance. Yet at last I persuaded him to take it after I had promised to take him againinto my service so soon as I should need a man. At this parting my landlord was so moved that his eyes also filled with tears: and as my servant exalted me among the soldiers for this action, so did my landlord among the citizens.

Also the commandant, he held me for so determined a fellow that he would have ventured to build upon my word, since I did not only truly keep the oath I had sworn to the emperor, but in order to keep that other promise, which I had made to himself, with great strictness had rid myself of my fine horses, my arms, and most faithful servant.

Chapter XVII : HOW THE HUNTSMAN DISPOSED HIMSELF TO PASS HIS SIX MONTHS: AND ALSO SOMEWHAT OF THE PROPHETESS.

I do think there is no man in the world that hath not a bee in his bonnet, for we be all men of one mould and by mine own fruits I can mark how others’ ripen. Oh coxcomb[5]! say you; if thou beest a fool, thinkest thou others must be too? Nay, that were to say too much: but this I maintain, that one man can hide his folly better than another. Nor is a man a fool because he hath foolish fantasies, for in youth we do all have the like: and he that lets those fantasies run loose is held to be a fool because others keep the fool concealed, and others do but shew the half of him. They that keep such whims under altogether be but peevish fellows, but they that now and then allow them ( as time affords an opportunity) to shew their ears and put their heads out of window to get air lest they be choked, these I hold for the best and wisest men. Mine own fantasies I let forth only too far, as seeing myself so free and well provided with money; so that I took me a lad whom I clothed as a nobleman’s page, and that in the most fantastic colours, to wit, light brown bordered with yellow, which must be my livery, for so I fancied it: and he must wait upon me as if I were a nobleman and not until just before a common dragoon; yea, and half a year before a poor horse-boy.

Now this, the first folly I committed in this town though 'twas pretty gross, yet was remarked by none, much less blamed. But why? The world is so full of such fooleries that none marks them now, nor laughs atthem, nor wonders at them, for all are used to them. And so was I held for a wise and good soldier, and not for a fool only fit for a baby’s shoes. Then I bargained with my landlord for the feeding of my page and myself, and gave him, as payment on account, what the commandant had presented to me, as far as concerns food and fuel : but for the drink my page must keep the key, for I was very willing to give of such to all that visited me. And since I was neither citizen nor soldier, and therefore had no equals that were bound to keep me company, I consorted with both sides, and therefore daily found comrades enough; and these I sent not away dry. Among the citizens I had most friendship with the organist, for music I loved and, without bragging, had an excellent voice which I had no mind to let rust: this man taught me how to compose, and to play better upon that instrument, as also upon the harp : on the lute I was already a master ; so I got me one of mine own and daily diverted myself with it. And when I was tired of music I would send for that furrier that had instructed me in the use of all arms in Paradise, and with him exercised myself to be yet more perfect. Also I obtained leave from the commandant that one of his artillerymen should instruct me in gunnery and something of artillery-practice for a proper reward. For the rest, I kept myself quiet and retired, so that people wondered, seeing how I, that had been used to plunder and bloodshed, now sat always over my books like a student.

But my host was the commandant’s spy and my keeper, for well I noted that he reported to him all my ways and works; but that suited me well enough, for of warfare I had never a thought, and if there was talk of it I behaved myself as I had never been a soldier and was only there to perform my daily exercises, of which I but now made mention. 'Tis true I wished my six months at an end: yet could no man guess which side I would then serve. As often as I waited on the colonel he would have me to dine with him: and then at times the converse was so arranged that my intention might be known therefrom: but ever I answered so discreetly that none could know what I did mean. So once when he said to me, “How is’t with ye, Huntsman? Will ye not yet turn Swedes? An ensign of mine is dead yesterday,” I made answer, “Worshipful colonel, seeing that is but decent for a woman not to marry at once again after her husband’s death, should I not also wait my six months?” In such fashion I escaped every time, and gained the colonel’s good will more and more ; so much so that he allowed me to take my walks both inside and outside the fortress : yea, at last I might hunt the hares, partridges, and birds, which was not permitted to his own soldiers. Likewise did I fish in the Lippe, and was so lucky at that, that it seemed as if I could conjure both fish and crayfish out of the water. For this I caused to be made a rough hunting- suit only, in which I crept by night into the territory of Soest and collected my hidden treasures from here and there, and brought them to the said fortress, and so behaved as if I would for ever dwell among the Swedes.

By the same way came the prophetess of Soest to me and said.“ Lookye, my son, did I not councel thee well before that thou shouldst hide thy money outside the town of Soest? I do assure thee 'tis thy greater good luck to have been captured : for hadst thou returned to Soest, certain fellows that had sworn thy death, because thou wast preferred to them among the women, would have murdered thee in thy hunting.” So I asked, “How could any be jealous of me, that meddled with women not at all?” “Oh,” says she, “ of that opinion that thou art now, wilt thou not long remain: or the women will drive thee out of the country with mockery and shame. Thou hast ever laughed at me when I foretold thee aught: wouldst thou once more refuse to believe if I told thee more? Dost thou not find in the place where thou art better friends than in Soest? I do swear to thee they hold thee only too dear, and that such exceeding love will turn to thy harm, if thou submit not to it.” So I answered her, if she truly knew so much as she gave out, she should reveal to me how it stood with my parents and whether I should ever in my life come to them again: she should not be so dark in her sayings, but out with it in good German. Thereupon she said I might ask after my parents when my foster-father should meet me unawares, and lead my wet-nurse’s daughter by a string: with that she laughed loud, and at the end said, she had of her own accord told to me more than to others that had begged it of her.

But as I began to jest upon her she quickly took herself away, after I had presented her with a few thalers ; for I had more silver coin than I could easily carry, having at that time a pretty sum of money and many rings and jewels of good price: for before this, whenever I heard of precious stones among the soldiers, or found such on expeditions or elsewhere, I bought them, and that for less than half the money they were worth. Such treasures did always cry aloud to me to let them be seen in public : and I did willingly obey, for being of a pretty proud temper, I made a show with my wealth and feared not to let mine host see it, who made it out to others as greater than it was. And they did wonder whence I had gathered it all together, it being well known that I had made deposit at Cologne of the treasure I had found, for the cornet had read the merchant’s receipt when he took me prisoner.

**********
[1]. Soest, City, North Rhine-Westphalia, Germany, 33 mi. north of Munster; market town; 12th century cathedral; early 18th century town hall; first mentioned in 836; chartered in 12th century; important Hanseatic town. “Soest,” Merriam-Webster’s Geographical Dictionary (Springfield, MA: Merriam-Webster Inc., 1997), 3rd ed. P1100.

* See chap. iii. [Goodrick's note.]
[2]. Berg, former duchy on the Rhine; east of Cologne, Germany; bounded on the North by the duchy of Kleveand on the West by Julich. Approx. 1120 sq. mi.; made a countship in 1108, became a duchy in 1380, became part of Prussia in 1815. “Berg,” Merriam-Webster’s Geographical Dictionary (Springfield, MA: Merriam-Webster Inc., 1997), 3rd ed. P136.
[3]. Hessian, from the state of Hesse; Region of SW Germany, comprising the state of Hesse and the former Prussian province of Hesse-Nassau. “Hesse,” Merriam-Webster’s Geographical Dictionary (Springfield, MA: Merriam-Webster Inc., 1997), 3rd ed. P483.

* viz. Lippstadt. [Goodrick's note.]
* The initials only of the name are given in the original. [Goodrick's note.]
[4].Hogshead, a large cask, esp. one containing from 63 to 140 gallons. “Hogshead”, Random House Webster’s College Dictionary (New York: Random House, 1991), p.638.
[5] Coxcomb, a conceited, foolish dandy; pretentious. “Coxcomb,” Random House Webster’s College Dictionary (New York: Random House, 1991), p.315.

Transcribed by Andrew Statum

Chap. XVIII : HOW THE HUNTSMAN WENT A WOOING, AND MADE A TRADE OF IT

My intent to learn artillery practice and fencing in these six months was good, and that I knew: yet ‘twas not enough to protect me from idleness, which is the root of many evils, and especially ill for me because I had no one to command me. ‘Tis true I sat industriously over books of all sorts, from which I learned much good: but a few came into my hands which were as good for me as grass for a sick dog. “Arcadia,” 1 from which I sought to learn eloquence, was the first book that led me aside from good stories to books of love and from true history to romances2 of chivalry. Such sort of books I collected whenever I could, and when I found one I ceased not till I had read it through, though I should sit day and night over it. But these taught me, instead of eloquence, to practise lechery. Yet was such desire at no time so violent and strong that one could, with Seneca3 , call it a divine frenzy or, as it is described in Thomas Thomai’s “Forest Garden,” a serious sickness. For where I took a fancy there I had what I desired easily and without great trouble: and so had I no cause to complain as other wooers and lechers have had, which are chock full of fantastic thoughts, troubles, desires, secret pangs, anger, jealousy, revenge, madness, tears, bragging, threats and numberless other follies, and for sheer impatience wish for death. For I had money and was not too careful of it, and besides I had a fine voice, which daily I exercised with all manner of instruments. Instead of shewing my bodily skill in the dance, which I never did love, I did display it in fencing, engaging with my furrier : moreover, I had a fine smooth face, and did practise myself in a certain gracious amiableness, so that the women, even those that I did not greatly seek after, did of themselves run after me, and that more that I desired.

About this time came Martinmas : then with us Germans begins the eating and the swilling, and that feast is full conscientiously observed till Shrovetide : so was I invited to different houses, both among the officers and burghers, to help eat the Martinmas goose. So ‘twas that on such occasions I made acquaintance with the ladies. For my lute and my songs made all to look my way, and when they so looked, then was I ready to add such charming looks and actions to my new love-songs (which I did myself compose) that many a fair maid was befooled, and ere she knew it was in love with me. Yet lest I should be held for a curmudgeon I gave likewise two banquets, one for the officers and one for the chief citizens, by which means I gained me favour of both parties and an entry to their houses; for I spared no expense in my entertainment. But all this was but for the sake of the sweet maids, and though I did not at once find what I sought with each and every one (for some there were that could deny me), yet I went often to these also, that so they might bring them that did shew me more favour that becomes modest maidens into no suspicion, but might believe that I visited these last also only for the sake of conversation. And so separately I persuaded each one to believe this of the others, and to think she was the only one that enjoyed my love. Just six I had that loved me well and I them in return: yet none possessed my heart or me alone: in one ‘twas but the black eyes that pleased me; in another the golden hair; in a third a winning sweetness; and in the others was also somewhat that the rest had not. But if I, besides these, also visited their acquaintance was new and strange to me, and in any case I refused and despised nothing, as not purposing always to remain in the same place. My page, which was an archrogue, had enough to do with carrying of love-letters back and forth, and knew how to keep his mouth shut and my loose ways so secret from one and the other that nought was discovered: in reward for which he had from the baggages many presents, which yet cost me most, seeing that I spent a little fortune on them, and could well say, “What is won with the drum is lost with the fife.” All the same, I kept my affairs so secret that not one man in a hundred would have taken me for a rake, save only the priest, from whom I borrowed not so many good books as formerly.

Chapt. xix. : BY WHAT MEANS THE HUNTSMAN MADE FRIENDS, AND HOW HE WAS MOVED BY A SERMON

When Fortune will cast a man down, she raiseth him first to the heights, and the good God doth faithfully warn every man before his fall. Such a warning had I, but would have none of it. For I was stiffly persuaded of this, that my fortune was so firmly founded that no mishap could cast me down, because all, and specially the commandant himself wished me well; those that he valued I won over by all manner of respect: his trusted servants I brought over to my side by presents, and with the perhaps more than with mine equals I did drink “Brotherhood” and swore to them everlasting faith and friendship : so, too, the common citizens and soldiers loved me because I had a friendly word for all. “What a kindly man,” said they often, “is the huntsman; He will talk with a child in the street, and hath a quarrel with no man!”

If I had shot a hare or a few partridges I would send them to the kitchen of those whose friendship I sought, and also invited myself as a guest; at which time I would always have a sup of wine (which was in that place very dear) brought thither also: yea, I would so contrive it that the whole cost would fall upon me. And when at such banquets I fell in converse with any, I had praise for all save myself, and managed so to feign humility as I had never known pride. So because I thus gained favour of all, and all thought much of me, I never conceived that any misfortune could encounter me, especially since my purse was still pretty well filled. Often I went to the oldest priest of the town, who lent me many books from his library: and when I brought one back then would he discourse of all manner of matters with me, for we became so familiar together that one could easily bear with the other. So when not only the Martinmas goose and the feast of puddingbroth were gone and over, but also the Christmas holidays, I presented to him for the New Year a bottle of Strassburg Branntwein, the which he, after Westphalian use, liked to sip with sugar-candy, and thereafter came to visit him, even as he was a-reading my “Joseph the Chaste,” which my host without my knowledge had lent him. I did blush that my work should fall into the hands of so learned a man, especially because men hold that one is best known by what he writes. But he would have me to sit by him and praised my invention, yet blamed me that I had lingered so long over the love-story of Zuleika (which was Potiphar’s wife). “Out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaketh,” sad he moreover, “and if my friend had not known how it fares with a wooer’s heart he could never so well have treated of this woman’s passion or in so lively fashion pictured it.”

I answered that what I had written was not mine own invention but extracted from other books to give me some practice in writing. “Yes, yes,” says he, “of course I am pleased to believe it: yet may you be sure I know more of your honour than he conceives.” At these words I was dismayed and thought, “Hath a little bird told thee?” But he, seeing how I changed colour, went on to say, “Ye are lively and young, idle and handsome. Ye do live a careless life, and as I hear in all luxury: therefore do I beseech you in the Lord and exhort you to consider in what an evil case you stand: beware of the beast with the long hair, if you have any care for your happiness and health. Ye may perhaps say, ‘How concerneth it the priest what I do or not?’ (‘Rightly guessed,’ said I to myself) or, ‘What right hath he to command me?’ ‘Tis true I have but the care of souls: but, sir, be assured that your temporal good, as that of my benefactor, is for mere Christian love as precious as if ye were mine own son. ‘Tis ever a pity, and never can ye answer such a charge before your heavenly Father if ye do bury the talent He hat entrusted to you and leave to go to ruin that noble understanding which I do perceive in this your writing. My faithful and fatherly advice would be, ye should employ your youth and your means, which ye now do waste in such purposeless wise, to study, that some day ye may be helpful to God and man and yourself; and let war alone, in which, as I do hear, ye have so great a delight; and before ye get a shrewd knock and find the truth of that saying, ‘Young soldiers make old beggars.’” This prediction I listened to with great impatience, for I was not used to hear the like: yet I shewed not how I felt, lest I should forfeit my reputation for the politeness, but thanked him much for his straightforwardness and promised him to reflect upon his advice: yet thought I within myself, what did it concern the priest how I ordered my life; for just then I was at the height of my good fortune, and I could not do without those pleasures of dalliance I had once enjoyed. So is it ever with such warnings, when youth is unaccustomed to bit and brindle, and gallops hard away to meet destruction.

Chap. xx. : HOW HE GAVE THE FAITHFUL PRIEST OTHER FISH TO FRY, TO CAUSE HIM TO FORGET HIS OWN HOGGISH LIFE

Yet was I not so drowned in lust nor so dull as not to take care to keep all men’s affection so long as I was minded to sojourn in that fortress, that is, till winter was over. And I knew well what trouble it might breed for a man if he should earn the ill will of the clergy, they being folk that in all nations, no matter of what religion they be, enjoy great credit; so I put on my considering cap, and the very next day I betook myself hot-foot to the said pastor, and told him in fine words such a heap of lies, how I had resolved to follow his advice, that he, as I could see from his carriage, was heartily rejoiced thereat.

“Yea,” said I, “up till this time, yea and in Soest also, there was wanting for me nothing but such an angelic counsellor as I have found in your reverence. Were but the winter over, or at least the weather better, so that I could travel hence!” And thereafter I begged him to assist me with his advice as to which University I should attend. To that he answered, himself had studied in Leyden, but he would counsel me to go to Geneva4 , for by my speech I must be from High Germany. “Jesus Maria!” said I, “Geneva is farther from my home than Leyden.” “Can I believe my ears?” says he, “’tis plain your honour is a Papist! Great Heavens, how I am deceived!” “How so, Pastor?” said I, “must I be a Papist because I will not go to Geneva?” “Nay,” says he, “but ye do call upon the name of Mary!” “How,” said I, “is’t not well for a Christian to name the mother of his Redeemer?” “True,” says he, “yet would I counsel your honour and beg of him as earnestly as I can to give honour to God only and further to tell me plainly to what religion he belongs, for I doubt much if he be Evangelical (though I have seen him every Sunday in my church), inasmuch as at this last Christmastide he came not to the table of the Lord neither here nor in the Lutheran church.” “Nay,” said I, “but your reverence knows well that I am a Christian: were I not, I had not been so oft at the preaching: but for the rest, I must confess that I follow neither Peter nor Paul, but do believe simply all that the twelve articles of the Christian faith do contain: nor will I bind myself to either party till one or the other shall bring me by sufficient proofs to believe that he, rather than the other, doth possess the one true religion of salvation.” Thereupon, “Now,” says he, “do I truly, and that for the first time, understand that ye have a true soldier’s spirit, to risk your life here, there and everywhere, since ye can so live from day to day without religion or worship and can so risk your hope of eternal salvation! Great heaven,” says he, “how can mortal man, that must hereafter be damned or saved, so defy all? Your honour,” says he, “was brought up in Hanau: hath he learned there no better Christianity that this? Tell me, why do ye not follow in the footsteps of your parents in the pure religion of Christ, or why will ye not betake yourself to this our belief, of which the foundations be so plain both in Holy Writ and nature that neither Papist nor Lutheran * can ever upset them.”

“Your reverence,” I answered, “so say all of their own religion: yet which am I to believe? Think ye ‘tis so light a matter for me to entrust my soul’s salvation to any one party that doth revile the other two and accuse them of false doctrine? I pray you to consider, with impartial eyes, what Conrad Vetter and Johannes Nas have written against Luther, and also Luther against the Pope, but most of all what Spangenberg hath written against Francis of Assisi5 , which for hundreds of years hath been held for a holy and God-like man, and all this in print. To which party shall I betake myself when each says of the other that ‘tis unclean, unclean? Doth your reverence think I am wrong if I stay awhile till I have got me more understanding and know black from white? Would any man counsel me to plunge in like a fly into hot soup? Nay, nay, your reverence cannot upon his conscience do that! Without question one religion must be right and the other two wrong: and if I should betake myself to one without ripe reflection I might choose the wrong as easily as the right, and so repent of my choice for all eternity. I will sooner keel of the roads altogether that take the wrong one: besides, there be yet other religions besides these here in Europe, as those of the Armenians, the Abyssians, the Greeks, the Georgians, and so forth, and whichsoever I do choose, then must I with my fellow believers deny the rest. But if your reverence will but play the part of Ananias for me and open mine eyes, I will with thankfulness follow him and take up that religion to which he belongs.”

Thereupon, “Your honour,” says he, “is in a great error: but I pray God to enlighten him and help him forth of the slough; to which end I will hereafter so prove to him the truth of our Confession that the gates of hell shall not prevail against it.” I answered I would await such with great anxiety: yet in my heart I thought, “If thou trouble me no more anent my lecheries, I will be content with thy belief.”

And so can the reader judge what a godless, wicked rogue I then was: for I did but give the good pastor fruitless trouble, that he might leave me undisturbed in my vicious life, and thinks I, “Before thou art ready with thy proofs I shall belike be where the pepper* grows.”

Chap. XXI : HOW SIMPLICISSIMUS ALL UNAWARES WAS MADE A MARRIED MAN

Now over against my lodging there dwelt a lieutenant-colonel on half-pay, and the same had a very fair daughter of noble carriage, whose acquaintance I had long desired to make. And though at the first she seemed not such an one as I could love and no other and cleave to her for ever, yet I took many a walk for her sake, and wasted many a loving look; who yet was so carefully guarded against me that never once could I come to speak with her as I would have wished, neither might boldly accost her: for I had no acquaintance with her parents, and indeed they seemed far too high placed for a lad of such low descent as I deemed myself to be. At the most I could approach her in the going in and out of church, and then I would take opportunity to draw near and with great passion would heave out a couple of sighs, wherein I was a master, though all from a feigned heart. All which she, on the other hand, received so coldly that I must well believe she was not to be fooled like any small burgher’s daughter: and the more I thought how hard ‘twould be for me to compass her love, the hotter grew my desire for her.

But the lucky star which first brought me to her was even that one which the scholars wear at a certain season, in everlasting remembrance of how the three wise men were by such a star led to Bethlehem, and I took it for a good omen that such a star led me to her dwelling also. For her father sending for me, “Monsieur,” says he, “that position of neutrality which you do hold between citizens and soldiers is the cause why I have invited you higher: for I have need of an impartial witness in a matter which I have to settle between two parties.” With that I thought he had some wondrous great undertaking in hand, for papers and pens lay on the table: so I tendered him my services for all honourable ends, adding thereto that I should hold it for a great honour indeed if I were fortunate enough to do him service to his liking. Yet was the business nothing more than this (as is the usage in many places), to set up a kingdom, being as ‘twas the Eve of the Three Kings: and my part was to see that all was well and truly performed and the offices distributed by lot without respect of persons. And for this weighty concern (at which his secretary also was present) my colonel must have wine and confectionery served, for he was a doughty drinker and ‘twas already past the time for supper. So then must the secretary write, and I read out the names, and the young lady draw the lots while her parents looked on: and how it all happened I know not, but so I made my first acquaintance in that house: and they complaining greatly how tedious were the winter nights, gave me to understand I should, to make them pass more easily, often visit them of evenings, for otherwise they hog no great pastime: which was indeed the very thing I had of long time desired.

So from that time forward (though for a while I must be on my good behaviour with the damsel) I began to play a new part, dancing on the limed twig and nibbling at the fool’s bait till both the maid and her parents must needs believe I had swallowed the hook, though as yet I had not (by a long score) any serious intent. I spent all my day in arraying myself for the night (as witches use to do): and the morrow in poring over books of love, composing from them amorous letters to my mistress, as if I dwelt a hundred leagues off or saw her bu once in many years: so at last I was become familiar of the house, and my suit not frowned upon by her parents: nay, ‘twas even proposed I should teach the daughter to play the lute. So there I had free entrance, not only by night but by day also, so that I could now alter my tune and no longer sing

“On the bat’s back do I fly after sunset merrily,”

but did write a pretty enough ditty, in the which I lauded my good fortune which had granted me, after so many happy evenings, so many joyous days also wherein I could feast mine eyes on the charms of my beloved and be refreshed thereby: yet in the same song did bemoan my hard fate that made my nights so miserable and granted me not that I should spend the night, like the day, in sweet enjoyment: which, though it seemed somewhat bold, I sang to my love with adoring sighs and an enchanting melody, wherein the lute also bore its part and with me besought the maid that she would lend her aid to make my nights as happy as my days. To all which I had but a cold response: for ‘twas a prudent maid and could at will give me a fitting answer to all my feigned transports, though I might devise them never so wisely. Yet was I shy of saying aught of matrimony: and if such were touched on in conversation, then would I make my speech brief and comprest. Of that my damsel’s married sister took note, and therefore barred all access for me to my mistress, so that we might not be so often together as before: for she perceived her sister was deep in love with me, and that the business would not in such fashion end well.

There is no need to recount all the follies of my courtship, seeing that the books of love are full of such. It shall suffice for the gentle reader to know that at last I was bold to kiss my mistress, and thereafter to engage in other dalliance: which much desired advances I pursued with all manner of incitements, till at length I was admitted by her at night and laid myself by her side as naturally as if I were her own. And here, as every man knoweth what on such a merry tide is wont to happen, the reader may well suppose that I dealt dishonourably with the maiden. But no; for all my purpose was defeated, and I found such resistance as I had never thought to find in any woman: for her intent was only for honourable marriage, and though I promised all that and with the most solemn oaths, yet would she grant me nothing before wedlock but only this, to lie by her: and there at length, quite worn out with disgust, I fell asleep. But presently thereafter was I rudely awoke: for at four o’clock of the morning there stood my colonel before my bed, a pistol in one hand and a torch in the other, and “Croat,” he cries to his servant, that stood by him also with a drawn sword, “Croat, go fetch the parson as quick as may be!” But I awaking and seeing in what danger I lay, “Alas,” thought I, “make thy peace with God before this man make an end of thee!” And ‘twas all green and yellow before mine eyes, and I know not whether I should open them or not.

“Thou lewd fellow!” says he to me, “must I find thee thus shaming of mine house? Should I do thee wrong if I break the neck of thee and of this baggage that hath been thine whore? Ah, thou beast, how can I refrain myself that I tear not thy heart from thy body and hew it in pieces and cast it for the dogs to eat?” And with that he gnashed with his teeth and rolled his eyes like a wild beast, I knowing not what to say and my bedfellow able to do naught but weep: yet at last I came to myself somewhat, and would have pleaded our innocence; but he bid me hold my peace, and now began upon fresh matter, to wit, how he had trusted me as a very different man and how I had repaid his trust with the worst treachery in the world: and thereafter came in his lady wife and began another brand-new sermon, till I would sooner have lain in a hedge of thorns: nay, I believe she had not stayed her speech for two hours or more had not the Croat returned with the parson.

Now before he came I tried once or twice to arise: but the colonel, with a fierce aspect, bade me lie still: and so I was taught how little courage a fellow hath that is caught on an ill errand, and how it fares with the heart of a thief that hath broken a house and is captured yet having stolen nothing. For I remember the good old days when, if such a colonel and two such Croats had fallen foul of me, I had made shift to put all three to flight: but now there I lay like any malingerer and had not the heart to use my tongue, le alone my fists.

“See, master parson,” quoth my colonel, “the fair sight to which I must perforce invite you, to be a witness of my shame”—and hardly had he said the word in his accustomed tone when he began again to yell hundred devils and thousand curses, till I could understand nothing of what he said save of breaking of necks and washing of hands in blood; for he foamed at the mouth like a wild boar and demeaned himself as if in truth he would take leave of his senses: I thinking every moment, “Now will he send a ball through thy head.” Yet the good parson did his best to hinder him from any rash deed whereof he might repent his afterwards: for “How now; Master Colonel,” says he, “how now! Give your own sound reason room to act, and bethink you of the old saying that to what is done and cannot be undone it behoves to give the handsomest name: for this fine young couple (which can hardly be matched in the land) be not the first, nor will be the last, to be overcome by the invincible power of love. The fault which they have committed (for a fault we must needs call it) may by themselves be easily repaired. I cannot indeed approve this way of matching: yet have these young folks deserved neither gallows nor wheel, nor hath the Herr Colonel any shame to expect if he will but keep secret and forgive this fault, which otherwise no man hath knowledge of, and so give his consent to their marriage and allow such carriage to be confirmed by public ceremony in church.”

“What?” says the colonel, “am I, instead of punishing them, to come to the cap in hand and make them my compliments? Sooner would I when the day comes have them trussed up together and drowned in the Lippe; nay, ye shall wed them here and that at once, for to this end I had ye fetcht: else will wring the necks of both like hens.”

But as to me, my thought was, “What wilt thou do? Wilt thou eat thy leek or die? At least ‘tis such a maid as thou needest not to be shamed of: and when thou thinkest of thine own lowly descent, say, art thou worthy to sit where she puts off her shoes?” Yet loud and long I swore and asseverated we had wrought no dishonour with one another, but got only for answer, we should have so behaved that none could suspect evil of us, whereas by our way of dealing we could quiet no man’s doubts. So were we married by the said clergyman, sitting up in bed, and the ceremony over, were forced to rise and to leave the house. But I, who had now recovered myself and felt a sword by my side, must crack my joke: and “Papa-in-law,” says I, “I know not why ye should carry yourself thus scurvily: when other young folk be wedded their next of kin do bring them to their bed-chamber, but your worship after my wedding doth cast me forth, not only from my bed but from the house: and in place of such congratulation as he should give me on my marriage, doth grudge me even the sight of my good brother-in-law’s face and my service to him. Verily if this fashion hold, there will be few friendships bred by weddings in this world.”

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1).“mountainous region of the central Peloponnesus of ancient Greece. The pastoral character of Arcadian life together with its isolation partially explains why it was represented as a paradise in Greek and Roman bucolic poetry;” From:
Encyclopedia Britannica, fifteenth edition, Volume 1. Chicago: Encyclopedia Britannica, Inc. 1997.
2).A “romance” is “ A take in verse, embodying the adventures of some hero of chivalry, esp. of those of the great cycles of mediaeval legend, and belonging both in matter and form to the ages of knighthood,” or “A fictitious narrative in prose of which the scene and incidents are very remote from those of ordinary life; esp. one of the class prevalent in the 16th and 17th centuries, in which the story often overlaid with long disquisitions and digressions.” From:
The Compact Oxford English Dictionary, Second Edition. New York: Oxford University Press, 1991.

3).Seneca “the elder” or Seneca “the younger;” more than likely Grimmelshausen is referring to Seneca “the younger,” a.k.a., Lucius Annaeus Seneca, Roman tragedian. His plays include Hercules Furens, Medea, Troades, Phaedra, Agamemnon, Oedipus, Hercules Oetaeus, Phoenissae, and Thyestes. He also wrote several works of philosophy and was tutor to the infamous Roman emperor, Nero.

4).Known for its tradition of independence and neutrality, Geneva, first named so by Julius Caesar in 58 B.C.E., Geneva is located in modern-day Switzerland “at the southwestern corner of Lake Geneva in the Rhone valley.” From:
Miller, Phyllis R., “Geneva, Switzerland,” International Dictionary of Historic Places, Volume 2: Northern Europe. Edited by Trudy Ring. Chicago:
Fitzroy Dearborn Publishers, 1995.

*The pastor was ‘Reformed’ (i.e. Calvinist). (Goodrick’s note)

5). Born Giovanni Bernardone, commonly known as Francesco, in Assisi, Italy in 1182, Saint Francis of Assisi, on a trip to Rome, claimed to have had “a vision in which he heard a voice calling upon him to restore the Church of God which had fallen into decay.” Francis founded the Order of Franciscans, an organization of mendicants who were “pledged to strictest poverty” and embraced the notion of “self-denying labor in the cause of Christ.” From:
Zockler, O., “Saint Francis of Assisi,” The New Schaff-Herzog Encyclopedia of Religious Knowledge, Volume IV. Edited by Samuel Macauly Jackson.
New York: Funk and Wagnalls Company, 1909.

*I.e., at the Antipodes: “at the other end of the world.” (Goodrick’s note)

Edited by Allen Smith

Chap. XXII : HOW SIMPLICISSIMUS HELD HIS WEDDING-FEAST AND HOW HE PURPOSED TO BEGIN HIS NEW LIFE

The people at my lodging were all astonished when I brought the young maid home with me, and yet more when they saw how unconcernedly she went to bed with me. For though this trick which had been played me stirred up great perplexity in my mind, yet was I not the so foolish as to put my bride to shame. And so even while I had my dear in mine arms I had a thousand conceits in my head, how I should begin and end my behaviour in this matter. Now thought I, “Thou art rightly served” : and yet again considered that I had met with the greatest disgrace in the world, which I could not in honour pass over without due revenge. But when I remembered me that such a revenge must harm my father-in-law and also my gentle and innocent bride, then all my plans were naught. At one time I was so sore ashamed that I planned to shut myself up and let no man see me again, and again I reflected that that would be to commit the chief and greatest folly. At the last I concluded that I would before all things win my father-in-law’s friendship again, and would so carry myself to all others as if nothing had happened untoward, and as if I had made all things ready for my wedding. For, said I to myself, “Seeing that this business hath had a strange beginning, thou must give it a like end : for should folk know thou wast trapped in thy marriage and wedded like a poor maiden to a rich old cripple, mockery only will be thy portion.”

Being full of such thoughts, I rose betimes, though I had rather have lain longer. And first of all I sent to my brother-in-law who had married my wife’s sister, and told him in a word how near akin to him I now was, and besought him to suffer his good wife to come and help to prepare somewhat wherewith I might entertain people at my wedding, and if he would be so good as to plead with our father and mother-in-law on my behalf, I would in the meantime busy myself to invite such guests as would promote a peace between me and him. The which he took upon him to do, and I betook myself to the commandant, to whom I told in merry fashion how quaint a device my father-in-law and I had hatched for making up of a match, which device was so swift of operation that I had in a single hour accomplished the betrothal, the wedding, and the bedding. But inasmuch as my father-in-law had grudged me the morning draught, I was minded instead thereof to bid certain honourable guests to the wedding-supper, to which also I respectfully begged to invite himself.

The commandant was fit to burst with laughter at my comical story, and because I saw him in merry mood I made yet more free, giving as my excuse that I could not well be reasonable at such a time, seeing that bridegrooms for full four weeks before and after their wedding were never in their sober senses : but whereas they could play the fool without attracting note and in their four weeks by degrees return to their senses, I had had the whole business of matrimony thrust upon me in a wink, and so must play my tricks all at once, so as thereafter to enact the sober married man wore reasonably. Then he demanded me what of the dowry, and how much of the rhino my father-in-law had given for the wedding-feast—for of that, said he, the old curmudgeon had plenty. So I answered him that our marriage settlement consisted but in one clause—viz., that his daughter and I should never come in his sight again. But forasmuch as there was neither notary nor witness present I hoped the clause might be revoked, and that the more so because all marriages should tend to the furthering of good fellowship. So with such merry quips, which no one at such a time would have looked for from me, I obtained that the commandant and my father-in-law, whom he undertook to persuade, would appear at my wedding-supper. He sent likewise a cask of wine and a buck to my kitchen : and I made preparation as if I were to entertain princes, and indeed brought together a noble company, which did not only make merry with one another, but in the face of all men did so reconcile my father and mother-in-law with me that they gave me more blessing that night than cursing the night before. And so ‘twas noised all over the town that our wedding had been of intent so arranged, lest any ill-natured folk should play some jest upon us. And me this speedy settlement of things suited full well. For had I come to be married with my banns called beforehand, as is the usage, ‘twas much to be feared there would have been some baggages that would have given a world of trouble by way of hindrance : for I had among the burghers’ daughters a round half-dozen that knew me only too well.

The next day my father-in-law treated my wedding-guests, but not so well as I by far, being miserly. And then I must first say what profession I was minded to follow, and how I would maintain my household : wherein I was first aware that I had now lost my noble freedom and must live henceforth under orders. Yet I carried myself obediently and was beforehand in asking my dear father-in-law, as a prudent gentleman, for his advice, to digest and to follow it : which speech the commandant approved and said, “This being a brisk young soldier, it were great folly that in the present wars he should think to follow any but the soldier’s trade : for ‘tis far better to stable one’s horse in another man’s stall than to feed another’s nag in one’s own. And so far as I am concerned, I promise him a company whenever he will.”

For this my father-in-law and I returned thanks, and I refused no more, but shewed the commandant the merchant’s receipt, which had my treasure in keeping at Cologne.1 “And this,” said I, “I must first fetch away before I take service with the Swedes : for should they learn that I served their enemies, they of Cologne would laugh me to scorn and keep my treasure, which is not of such a kind as one can easily find by the roadside.” This they approved, and so ‘twas concluded promised and resolved between us three I should within a few days betake myself to Cologne, possess myself of my treasure, and so return to the fortress and there take command of my company. Furthermore a day was named on which a company should be made over to my father-in-law, together with the commission of lieutenant-colonel in the commandant’s regiment. For Count Götz lying in Westphalia with many Imperial troops and his headquarters at Dortmund, my commandant looked to be besieged next spring, and so was seeking to enlist good soldiers. Yet was this care of his in vain : for the said Count Götz was, by reason of the defeat of John de Werth in the Breisgau,2 forced to leave Westphalia that same spring and take the field against the Duke of Weimar on the Rhine.

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1. Located in northwestern Germany, Cologne grew in commercial significance with its strategic location along the Rhine river and a major land trade route. Between 1583 and 1588, Cologne served as the stage for a major conflict, called the "War of Cologne" which marked a turning point in the religious history of Germany. After this war, the Catholics, who had been on the defensive and losing ground steadily to the Protestants, started going on the offensive. Following the Thirty Years' War, the city declined along with so many others in Europe. "Cologne," The New Encyclopaedia Britannica (Macropaedia) (Chicago: Encyclopaedia Britannica, Inc, 1997), vol. 16, pp. 568-570.
2. Breisgau is a historic region between the Black Forest and the Rhine, and located in the southwestern portion of Germany. Over the course of the 14th century, most of Breisgau was incorporated into various Habsburgs domains. As a result of the Peasant's Revolt in the 16th century and the Thirty Years' War in the 17th, Breisgau witnessed destructive sieges and occupation for a time by the Swedes. During the Thirty Years' War more specifically, Breisgau fell to the Protestants in 1638 and to the French in 1648. "Breisach" and "Breisgau," The New Encyclopaedia Britannica (Chicago: Encyclopaedia Britannica, Inc, 1997), vol. 2, pp. 496-497.

Chap. XXIII : HOW SIMPLICISSIMUS CAME TO A CERTAIN TOWN (WHICH HE NAMETH FOR CONVENIENCE COLOGNE) TO FETCH HIS TREASURE

THINGS do happen in different fashions. To one man ill luck cometh by degrees and slowly : another it doth fall upon in a heap. So hardly had I spent a week in the wedded state with my dear wife, when I took leave of her and her friends in my huntsman’s dress with my gun upon my shoulder ; and because all roads were well known to me, I came luckily to my journey’s end without danger threatening. Nay, I was seen of no man till I came to the turnpike in Deutz that lieth opposite Cologne on this side the Rhine. But I saw many, and specially a peasant in the land of Berg, that reminded me much of my dad in the Spessart ; and his son was still more like the old Simplicissimus. For the lad was herding swine as I was passing by : and the swine, scenting me, began to grunt and the lad to curse : “Thunder and lightning strike them and the devil fly away with them too !” That the maidservant heard , and cried to the lad not to curse or she would tell his father. The boy answered, she might kiss . . . and burn her mother too : But the peasant hearing it, runs out of the house with a whip and cries out, “Wait, thou anointed rascal, I will teach thee to curse ; strike thee blind and the devil take thy carcase” : and with that he caught him by the collar, whipped him like a dancing bear, and at every stroke, “Thou wicked boy,” says he, “I’ll teach thee to curse, devil take thee, I’ll kiss . . . for thee ; I’ll teach thee to talk of burning thy mother.” Which manner of correction did remind me naturally of me and my dad, and yet had I not such decency and piety as to thank God for bringing me out of such darkness and ignorance, and into greater knowledge and understanding. And how then could I expect that the good fortune which daily rained upon me should endure ?

So when I came to Cologne I took up my abode with my Jupiter, which was just then in his right mind. But when I told him wherefore I had come, he told me at once that he feared I should but thresh straw ; for the merchant to whom I had given my money to keep it had become bankrupt and had fled : ‘tis true my property had been officially sealed up and the merchant himself cited to appear ; but ‘twas greatly doubted if he would return, because he had taken with him all of value that could easily be carried ; and before the case could be settled much water might flow under the bridges. How pleasing this news was to me any man can easily judge. I swore like a trooper, but what availed that? I did not get my property back so, and had no hope of ever doing so : besides, I had taken with me no more than ten thalers for the journey, and so could not stay so long as the matter required. Moreover, ‘twas dangerous for me to tarry there ; for I had reason to fear that, as now being attached to an enemy’s garrison, I might be found out, and so not only lose my good but fall into a still worse plight. Yet for me to return with the matter unsettled, leave my property willfully behind, and have naught to show but the way back instead of the way thither, seemed to me also unwise. At last I determined I would stay at Cologne till the case was settled, and let my wife know the reason of my delay : so I betook myself to an advocate, which was a notary, and told him my case, begging him to help me with counsel and action, for a proper reward ; and if he hastened on the matter I would make him a good present besides the fixed fees. And as he hoped to get plenty out of me he received me willingly and undertook to board and lodge me : and thereupon next day he went with me to the officers whose business it is to settle bankrupts’ affairs, and handed in a certified copy of the merchant’s acknowledgement, and produced the original : to which the answer was, we must be patient till the full examination of the matter, inasmuch as the things of which the acknowledgement spoke were not all to be found.

So now I prepared myself for another long time of idleness, in which I wished to see somewhat of life in great cities. My host was, as I have said, a notary and advocate : besides which he had half a dozen lodgers, and kept always eight horses in his stable which he used to hire out to travellers : moreover he had both a German and Italian groom, that could be used either for driving or riding and also tended the horses, so that with this threefold, or rather three-and-a-half-fold trade he not only earned a good living but also doubtless put by a good deal : for because no Jews be allowed in that town he found it easier to make money in all manner of ways.3 I did learn much in the time I was with him, and especially to know all sicknesses of all men, which is the chiefest art of the doctor of medicine. For they say if the doctor do but know the disease, then is the patient already half cured. Now ‘twas my host that furnished the reason why I understood this science, for I began with him, and thereafter to examine the condition of other persons. And many a one I knew to be sick to death that knew not of his own sickness at all and that was held by his neighbours—yea, and by the doctors too—to be a hale and hearty man. So did I find people that were sick with evil temper, and when this disease attacked them their visages were changed like those of devils, they roared like lions, scratched like cats, laid about them like bears, bit like dogs, and to shew themselves even worse than savage animals they would throw about everything that they could get into their hand, like madmen. ‘Tis said this disease ariseth from the gall ; but I do rather believe its origin is in this, that a fool hath a fool’s pride : so if thou hear an angry man rage, especially about a small matter, be thou bold to believe that man hath more pride than sense. From this disease followeth endless mischance both for the patient and for others : for the patient, palsy, gout, and early death (and perhaps an eternal death also). Yet can we with a good conscience refuse to call such men patients, be they never so dangerously ill, for patience is what they most do lack. Some too, I saw quite sick with envy, of whom ‘tis said that they eat their own hearts out, because they do ever walk so pale and sad. And this disease do I hold to be the most dangerous, as coming directly from the devil himself, though yet it spring from mere good fortune which the sick man’s enemy doth enjoy : and he that can quite cure such an one may wellnigh boast that he hath converted a lost sinner to the Christian belief, for this disease can infect no true Christians, which have a jealousy only of sin and vice. The gaming passion I hold likewise for a disease, not only because the name doth imply as much, but specially because they that are infected therewith are mad after the thing as if poisoned : it hath its rise from idleness and not from greed, as some do judge ; and if thou take away from a man the chances of lust and idleness, that sickness will of itself depart. Likewise I found that gluttony is a disease : and that cometh from habit and not from overmuch wealth. Poverty is indeed a good protective against it, but ‘tis not thereby cured, for I saw beggars that revelled and rich misers that starved. It doth bring its own remedy on its back with it, and that is called Want, if not of money yet of bodily health, so much so that when it comes to this, that either from poverty or from disease they can devour no more. As to pride, I took it for a kind of madness, having its rise in ignorance : for if a man do but know himself and remember whence he is and whither he goeth, ‘tis clean impossible that he can go on in his foolish pride. When I do see a peacock or a turkey-cock strut and gobble, I must needs laugh like a fool that these unreasoning beasts can so cleverly mock at poor man in this his great malady : yet have I never been able to find a special remedy against it : for they that are sick of it are without humility, as little to be cured as other madmen. Yea, I deemed, too, that immoderate laughter must be a disease, for Philemon4 died of it and Democritus5 was till his end sick of it. And so nowadays do our women say they could laugh till they died. ‘Tis said it hath its origin in the liver : but I do believe it cometh from immoderate folly, for much laughter is no sign of a reasonable man : nor is it needful to present a remedy for it, since ‘tis not only a merry madness but often doth leave a man before he can well enjoy it. Nor less did I remark how curiosity is but a disease and one born in the female sex : ‘tis little to outside view yet in truth most dangerous, seeing that we all must pay for our first mother’s curiosity. Of the rest, as sloth, revenge, jealousy, presumption, the passions of love, and the like, I will for this turn say naught, since ‘twas never my intent to write of such, but will return to mine host, which indeed gave me the hint to reflect upon such-like failings, seeing that he himself was utterly ruled and possessed by greed.

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3. Public Protestant services were banned in the city until as recently as 1794, at which point the policy changed with the French occupation of the city. The Jewish community in Cologne has a documented existence as far back as the times of Constantine the Great in the 300s. From the period starting in 1424 and continuing until 1794, however, no Jews were allowed to remain overnight in the city. "Cologne," The New Encyclopaedia Britannica (Chicago: Encyclopaedia Britannica, Inc, 1997), vol. 16, p. 570.
4. Philemon was a famous Athenian playwright and poet that lived from 368 BC to 264 BC. In this particular case, Grimmelshausen makes a perhaps more direct reference to Philemon's part in the Athenian New Comedy. In this, he was known for his neatly contrived plots, vivid descriptions, dramatic surprises, and platitudinous moralizing. "Philemon," The New Encyclopaedia Britannica (Chicago: Encyclopaedia Britannica, Inc, 1997), vol. 9, p. 366.

5. Democritus was an Ancient Greek philosopher that lived from 460 BC to 370 BC. He gained fame for his part in the development of the atomic theory of the universe. Of particular importance in Grimmelshausen's reference, however, stands his ethical system posited, which advanced an ultimate good that was "a state in which the soul lives peacefully and tranquilly, undisturbed by fear or superstition or any other feeling." "Democritus," The New Encyclopaedia Britannica (Chicago: Encyclopaedia Britannica, Inc, 1997), vol. 4, pp. 6-7.

Chap. XXIV : HOW THE HUNTSMAN CAUGHT A HARE IN THE MIDDLE OF A TOWN

The fellow had, as I have said, all manner of trades by which he scraped together money: he fed with his guests and not his guests with him, and he could have plentifully fed all his household with the money they brought him in, if the skinflint had so used it : but he fed us Swabian fashion and kept a mighty deal back. At the first I ate not with his guests but with his children and household, because I had little money with me : there were but little morsels, that were like Spanish fasting-food for my stomach, so long accustomed to the hearty Westphalian diet. No single good joint of meat did we ever get but only what had been carried away a week before from the students’ table, pretty well hacked at by them, and now, by reason of age, as grey as Methuselah. Over this the hostess, who must do he cooking herself (for he would pay for no maid to help her), poured a black, sour kid of gravy and bedevilled it with pepper. Yet though the bones were sucked so dry that one could have made chessmen of them, yet were they not yet done with, but were put into a vessel kept for the purpose, and when our miser had a sufficient quantity, they must be chopped up fine and all the fat that remained boiled out of them. I know not whether this was used for seasoning soup or greasing shoes. But on fast-days, of which there happened more than enough, and which were all religiously observed (for therein was our host full of scruples), we had the run of our teeth on stinking herrings, salt cod, rotten stockfish, and other decayed marine creatures : for he bought all with regard to cheapness only, and grudged not the trouble to go himself to the fish-market and to pick up what the fish-mongers themselves were about to throw away. Our bread was commonly black and stale, our drink a thin, sour beer which wellnigh burst my belly, and yet must pass as fine old October. Besides all this, I learned from hos German servant that in summer-time ‘twas yet worse : for then the bread was mouldy, the meal full of maggots, and the best dishes were then a couple of radishes at dinner and a handful of salad at supper. So I asked him why did he stay with the old miser. He answered he was mostly travelling, and therefore must count more on the drink-money of travellers than on the mouldy old Jews, who he said would not even trust his wife and children with the cellar-key, for he grudged them even drop of wine, and, in a word, was such a curmudgeon that his like would be hard to find ; what I had seen up till now, said he, was nothing : if I did but stay there for a while I should perceive that he was no ashamed to skin a flea for its fat. Once, said he, the old fellow had brought hoe six pounds of tripe or chitterlings and put it in his larder : but to the great delight of his children the grating chanced to be open : so they tied a tablespoon to a stick and fished all the chitterlings out, which they then ate up half-cooked, in great haste, and gave out ‘twas the cat had done it. That the old coal-counter would not believe, but caught the cat and weighed her, and found that, skin, hair and all, she weighed not so much as his chitterlings.

Now as the fellow was so shameless a cheat, I desired no longer to eat at his private table but at that of the before-mentioned students, however much it might cost : and there ‘twas certainly more royal fare ; yet it availed me little, for all the dishes that were set before us were but half-cooked, which profited our host in two ways—first in fuel, which he thus saved, and secondly, because it spoiled our appetite : yea, methought he counted every mouthful we ate and scratched his head for vexation if ever we made a good meal. His wine, too, was well watered and not of a kind to aid in digestion: and the cheese which was served at the end of every meal was hard as stone, and the Dutch butter so salt that none could eat more than half an ounce of it at breakfast ; as for the fruit, it had to be carried to and fro till it was ripe and fit to eat ; and if any of us grumbled thereat, he would begin a terrible abusing of his wife loud enough for us to hear : but secretly gave her orders to go on in the same old way.

Once on a time one of his clients brought him a hare for a present : this did I see hang in his larder, and did think for once we might have game to our dinner : but the German servant said to me we need not lick our lips over that, for his master had so contracted with the boarders that he need not serve them such dainties ; I should go to the Old Market in the afternoon and there see if the thing were not there for sale. So I cut a bit out of the hare’s ear, and as we sat at our midday meal and the host was not there, I told them how our skinflint had a hare for sale, of which I was minded to cheat him, if one of them would follow me ; for so should we not only have some pastime, but would get the hare too. Every one of them consented ; for they had long desired to play our host a trick of which he could not complain. So that afternoon we betook ourselves to the place which I had learned of from the servant, where our host was wont to stand if he gave a tradesman aught for sale, to watch what the buyer paid, lest he should be cheated of a farthing. There we found him in talk with some of the nobles. Now I had engaged a fellow to go to the higgler that should sell the hare and to say, “Friend, that hare is mine, and I claim it as stolen property : last night ‘twas snatched out of my window, and if thou give it not up willingly, ‘tis at thy risk and the risk of the costs in court.” The huckster answered he must first inquire of the matter : for there stood the gentleman of repute that had given him the hare to sell ; and he could surely not have stolen it. So as they disputed, they gathered a crowd round them ; which when our miser was ware of and saw which way the cat jumped, he gave a wink to the higgler to let the hare go, for by reason of all his boarders he feared yet greater shame. But the fellow I had hired contrived very cleverly to shew every one present the piece of the ear and to fit it into the slit, so that all said he was right and voted him the hare. Meanwhile I drew near with my company, as if we had come by chance, and stood by the fellow that had the hare and began to bargain with him, and when we agreed I presented the hare to mine host with the request he would have it served up at our table : but the fellow I had engaged with I paid, instead of money for the hare, the price of a couple of cans of beer. So our skinflint must accept the hare, though with no good will, and dared not say a word, at which we had cause enough to laugh : and had I meant to stay longer in his house, I would have shewn him a few more such tricks.