Grimmelshausen H.J.K. Simpleton


BOOK II

Edited by: Matthew Menefee

Chapter I: HOW A GOOSE AND A GANDER WERE MATED


So in my goose-pen I pondered on all that I have set down in black and white in my first part; of which, therefore, there is no need in this place to say more. Yet can I not choose but say that even then I doubted whether the dancers in truth were so mad to stamp the floor down or whether I was only so led to believe. Now will I further relate how I came again out of my goose prison. For three whole hours, namely, till that “Praeludium Veneris”1 (I should have said that seemly dance) was ended, I must perforce sit till one came softly and fumbled with the bolt: so I listened as quiet as any mouse, and presently the fellow that was at the door not only opened it but whipped in himself as quick as I would fain have whipped out, and with him by the hand he led in a lady, even as I had seen done at the dancing. I knew not what was to happen: but because I was now accustomed to all such strange adventures as had happened to me, poor fool, on that one day, and had made up my mind to bear with patience and silence whatever my fate might bring me, I crept close to the door and with fear and trembling waited for the end. So presently there was between these two a whispering, whereof I could understand naught save that the one party complained of the evil air of the place, and on the other hand the second party would console the first.

Thereupon I heard kisses and observed strange postures, yet knew not what this should mean, and therefore still kept still as a mouse. Yet when a comical noise arose and the goose-pen, which was but of boards nailed together below the staircase, began to shake and crack, and moreover the lady seemed in trouble, I thought, surely these be two of those mad folk which helped stamp on the floor, and have now betaken themselves hither to behave in like manner, and bring thee to thy death.

As soon as these thoughts came into my head, I seized upon the door, so to escape death, and out I whipt with a cry of “Murder” as loud as that which had brought me to that place. Yet had I the sense to bolt the door behind me and make for the open house-door.

This was now the first wedding I was ever present at in my life, and even to that I had not been invited: on the other hand, I needed to give no wedding-gift, though the bridegroom did mark up a heavy score against me, which I honourably discharged.

Gentle reader, I tell this story not that thou mayest laugh thereat, but that my History may be complete, and my readers may take to heart what honourable fruits are to be expected from this dancing. For this I hold for certain, that in these dances many a bargain is struck up, whereof the whole company hath cause thereafter to be shamed.

Chapter II : CONCERNING THE MERITS AND VIRTUES OF A GOOD BATH AT THE PROPER SEASON


And now, when I had luckily escaped from my goose-pen, I was then first aware of my sad plight. In my master’s quarters all was sound asleep: so dared I not address myself to the sentry that stood before the house: and at the Mainguard assuredly they would not entertain me: while to abide in the streets was too cold: so I knew not whither to betake myself. Long past midnight it was when it came into my head to seek refuge with the pastor so often spoken of before; and this thought I followed so far as to knock at his door: and therin was so importunate that at last the maid, with much ill will, admitted me. But forthwith she began to chide with me; and this her master, who had by this time well-nigh slept off his wine, heard. So he called us both to him as he lay in his chamber: and ordered his maid, to put me to bed: for he could well perceive that I was numbed with the cold. Yet was I hardly warm in my bed when day began to break and the good pastor stood by my bedside to hear how it had gone with me and how my business had fared, for I could not rise to go to him. So I told him all, and began with the tricks which my comrade the page had taught me, and how ill they had turned out. Thereafter I must tell him how the guests, after he, the pastor, had left the table, had lost their wits and (as my comrade had told me) determined to stamp down the floor of the house: Item into what fearful terror I thereupon fell, and in what fashion I tried to save my life: how thereafter I was shut up in a goose-pen and what I had noted in words and works of those two which had delivered me, and in what manner I had locked them both up in my stead.

“Simplicissimus,” said the pastor, “thy case stands but lousily: thou hadst a good opportunity; but I fear, I fear bed and pack out of my house, , lest I come with thee me.” So I must away, with my wet clothes, and now for the first time must understand how well he stands with all and sundry who doth but possess his master’s favour: yet how askance he is looked upon when that favour halteth.

Away I went to my master’s lodging, wherein all were yet sound asleep save the cook and a maid or two: these last were ordering the room wherein the day before had been the carouse, and the first was preparing from the remains of the feast a breakfast, or rather a luncheon. So first I betook myself to the maids: they had to deal with all manner of drinking-glasses and window-glass strewn up and down. In some places all was foul with what the guests had voided both upwards and downwards: in other places were great pools of spilt wine and beer, so that the floor looked like a map wherein a man could trace separate seas, islands, and continents. And in that room was the smell far worse than in my goose-pen: and therefore I delayed not long there but betook myself to the kitchen, and there had my clothes dried on my body before the fire, expecting with fear and trembling what tricks fortune would further play with me when my lord should awake. Then did I reflect upon all the folly and senselessness of the world, and ran over in my mind all that happened to me in the past day and night and what I had seen and heard in that time. So when I thought thereon I did even deem the poor and miserable life which my old hermit led a happy one, and heartily I wished him and myself back in our old place.


Chapter III : HOW THE OTHER PAGE RECEIVED PAYMENT FOR HIS TEACHING, AND HOW SIMPLICISSIMUS WAS CHOSEN TO BE A FOOL


When my lord rose he sent his orderly to fetch me from the goose-pen: who brought news he had found the door open and a hole cut with a knife behind the bolt, by which means the prisoner had escaped. But before such report came my lord understood from others that I had for a long time been in the kitchen. Meanwhile the servants must run hither and thither to fetch yesterday’s guests to breakfast: among whom was also the pastor, who must appear earlier than the rest because my master would talk with him concerning me before they went to table. He asked him first, did he account me sane or mad, and whether I was in truth so simple or not the rather mischievous; and told him all: how unseemly I had carried myself all the day and evening before, which was in part taken amiss by his guests, and so regarded as if this had been done of malice and in their despite; item, that he had cause me to be shut up in a goose-pen to protect himself against such tricks as I might yet further have played him; which prison I had broken and now held my state in the kitchen like a gentleman who need no longer wait on him: in his lifetime no such trick had ever happened to him as I had played him in the presence of so many honourable persons: he knew not what to do with me save to have me soundly beaten, and, since I behaved myself so clownishly, to send me to the devil.

Meantime, while my master so complained of me, the guests assembled by degrees; so when he had said his say the pastor answered, if the Lord Governor would please to hearken to him with patience for a little while, he would tell him this and that regarding Simplicissimus, from which not only his innocence could be known, but also all unfavourable thoughts removed from the minds of them that had taken a disgust at his conduct.

Now while they thus discoursed of me in the chamber above, that same mad ensign whom I in mine own person had imprisoned in my place makes a treaty with me below-stairs in the kitchen, and by threats and by a thaler which he put in my pouch, brought me to this, that I promised him to keep a still tongue concerning his doings.

So the tables were set, and, as on the day before, furnished with food and with guests. There wormwood2, sage wine, elecampane3, quince4 and lemon drinks, with hippocras5, were to clear the heads and stomachs of the drinkers; for for one and all there was the devil to pay. Their first talk was of themselves, and that chiefly of how brave a bout of drinking they had had yesterday: nor was there any among them that would truly confess he had been drunk, albeit the evening before some had called the devil to witness the could drink no more. Some indeed confessed that they had headaches: yet others would have it ‘twas only since men had ceased to drink themselves full in the good old mode that such aches had come in fashion. But when they were tiered both of hearing and talking of their own follies, poor Simplicissimus must bear the brunt. And the Governor himself reminded the pastor to tell of those merry happening which he had promised.

So the pastor begged first that none should take offence inasmuch as he must use words which might be accounted unbefitting his holy office. Then he went on to tell how sorely I was plagued by nature, how I had caused great disgust thereby to the secretary in his office, and how I had learned, together with the art of prophecy, also certain enchantments6 against such mishaps, and how ill such arts had turned out when they were tried; item, how the dancing had seemed so strange to me, because I had never seen the like before, what an explication thereof I had heard from my comrade, and for what reason I had seized upon the noble lady, and thereupon had found my way into the goose-pen. All this he enounced with such a civil and discreet way of speaking that they were fit to split with laughing, and was allowed to wait at table again. But of what had happened to me in the goose-pen and how I was delivered therefrom would he say nought, for it seemed to him some old antediluvian images might have taken offence at him, which believe that pastors should always look sour. Then again my master, to make sport for his guests, asked me what dad I given to my comrade that had taught me those pretty tricks: so I said, “Nothing at all.” Then says he, “I will pay him the school fees for thee.” So he had him clapt in a winnowing basket7 and there soundly trounce: even as I had been dealt with the day before, when I tried those magical arts and found them false.

So now my master had proof enough of my simplicity, and would fain give me the more occasion to make sport for him and his guests: he saw well that all the minstrels availed nothing so long as the company had me to make sport for them, for to every one it seemed that I, with my foolish fancies, was better than a dozen lutes. So he asked me why I had cut a hole in the door of the goose-pen. I answered, “Another may have done it.” “Who then?” says he. “Why,” says I, “he that came to me.” “And who camto thee?” quoth he. “Nay,” says I, “that may I tell no man.” Now my master was a man of a quick wit, and he saw well how one must go about with me: so he turns him about and of a sudden he asks me who it was that had forbidden me, and I of a sudden answered, “The mad ensign.”
Then, when I perceived by the laughter of all that I had mightily committed myself, and the mad ensign who sat at table also grew red as a hot coal, I would say more till by him it should be allowed. Yet this was but a matter of a nod, which served my master instead of a command, to the ensign, and forthwith I might tell all I knew. And thereupon my master questioned me what the mad ensign had had to do with me in the goose-pen. “Oh,” says I, “he brought a young lady to me there.”

And thereupon there arose among all that were present such laughter that my master could hear me no longer, let alone ask me more questions; and ‘twas not needful, for if he had, that honourable young maiden (forsooth) might have been put to shame.

Thereafter the Controller of the Household told all at table how a little before I had come home from the ramparts and had said I knew now where the thunder and lightning came from: for I had seen great beams on half-waggons, which were all hollow inside: into these, men rammed in onion-seed with an iron turnip with the tail off, and then tickled the beams behind with a spit, whereupon there was driven out in front smoke and thunder and hell-fire. Then they told many more such stories of me, so that for the whole of that breakfast-time there was no other employ but to talk of me and laugh at me. And this was the cause of a general conclusion, to my destruction; which was that I should be soundly befooled. For with such treatment I should in time prove a rare jester, by whose means one could do honour to the greatest princes in the world and cause laughter to a dying man.


Chapter IV: CONCERNING THE MAN THAT PAYS THE MONEY, AND OF THE MILITARY SERVICE THAT SIMPLICISSIMUS DID FOR THE CROWN OF SWEDEN: THROUGH WHICH SERVICE HE GOT THE NAME OF SIMPLICISSIMUS


But now, as they began to carouse and to make merry as they had done the day before, the watch brings news, together with the delivery of letters to the Governor, of a commissary that was at the gate, which same was appointed by the war council of the Crown of Sweden to review the garrison and survey the fortress. Such news spoiled all jesting, and all jollity died away like the bellows of a bagpipe when the wind is gone out. The minstrels and the guests dispersed themselves even as tobacco-smoke, which leaves but a smell behind it: while my lord, with the adjutant who kept the keys, betook himself to give admittance to the Blackguts, as he called him: he wished, he said, the devil had broke his neck in a thousand pieces ere ever he came to the city. Yet so soon as he had let him in and welcomed him upon the inner drawbridge it wanted but a little, or nothing at all, but he would hold his stirrup for him to shew his devotion; yea, the courtesy to all outward shew was between the two so great that the Commissary must dismount and walk on foot with my lord even to his lodging; and as they walked each would have the left-hand place.

Then thought I, “Oh, what a wondrous spirit of falsehood doth govern all mankind, and so doth make one a fool through another’s help.”

So we drew near to the Mainguard, and the sentinel must call “Who goes there?” though well he knew it was my lord: who would not answer but would leave the honour to that other: yet when the sentinel grew more impatient and repeated his challenge, the Commissary answered to the last “Who goes there?” “The man who pays the money.”

Now as we passed the sentry-box, and I came last of all, I heard the before-mentioned sentry, which was a new recruit, and before that by profession a well-to-do young farmer on the Vogelsberg8, thus murmur to himself: “Yea, and a lying customer thou art: a man, forsooth, that pays the money? A skin-the-flint that takes the money, that art thou. So much money hast thou wrung from me that I would to God thou wert struck dead before thou shouldst leave this town.”
So from that hour I conceived this belief that this foreign lord with the silk doublet must be a holy man: for not only did no curse harm him, but also even they that hated him shewed him all honour and love and kindness: and that night was he princely entreated and made blind drunk, and thereafter put to bed in a noble bedplace.

Next day, then, at the review of the troops everything was at sixes and sevens. And even I, poor simple creature, was clever enough to cheat that clever commissary (for to such offices and administrations ye may well know they do choose no simple babes). Which same deceit I learned in less than an hour; for the whole art consisted therein, to beat five with the right hand and four with the left on a drum. For yet I was too little to represent a musqueteer. So they furnished me forth to that end with borrowed clothes (for my short page’s breeches were in no wise military to look upon and with a borrowed drum: without doubt for this reason, that I myself was but borrowed: and with all this I came happily through the inspection. Thereafter, nevertheless, would no one trust my simple mind to keep in my memory any unaccustomed name, hearing which I should answer to it and step out of the ranks: and so must I keep the name of Simplicius; and for a surname the Governor himself added that of Simplicissimus, and so had me written down in the muster-roll. And so he made me like a bastard, the first of my family; and that although, after his own shewing, I looked so like his own sister. So ever thereafter I bore this name and surname, until I knew my right name: and under that name I played my part pretty well to the profit of the Governor and small danger to the Crown of Sweden. And this is all the service that ever I rendered to the crown of Sweden in all my life: and the enemies of that crown can at least not lay more than this to my charge.

Chapter V: HOW SIMPLICISSIMUS WAS BY FOUR DEVILS BROUGHT INTO HELL AND THERE TREATED WITH SPANISH WINE


Now when the Commissary had gone the above-mentioned pastor bade me come secretly to him to his lodging; and then said he, “O Simplicissimus: for thy youth I am sorry, and they future misery moveth me to sympathy. Hear, my child, and know of a surety, that thy master hath determined to deprive thee of all reason and so to make of thee a fool: yea, and to that end hath he already commanded raiment to be made ready for thee. So to-morrow must thou go to school: and in that school thou art to unlearn thy reason: and in that school without doubt they will so grievously torment thee, that, unless God help thee and other means be used against it, without doubt thou wilt become a madman. Now, because such is a wrong and dangerous manner of dealing; and likewise because I, for thy hermit’s piety’s sake and for thine own innocence’ sake, desire to serve thee, and with true Christian love to assist thee with counsel and all necessary help, and to give thee relief in trouble, therefore follow thou now my teaching and take this powder, which will in such wise strengthen thy brain and wits that thou, without danger to thine understanding, mayst endure all things most easily. Here likewise hast thou an ointment, with which thou must smear thy temples, thy and both these things must thou use at evening-time when thou goest to bed, seeing at no time thou wilt be safe against being fetched forth from thy bed: but look thou that no one be ware of this my warning and the remedy that I impart to thee; else might it go ill with me and thee. And when they shall have thee under their accursed treatment, do thou heed not nor believe not all of which they will strive to persuade thee, and yet so carry thyself as if thou believest all. Say but little lest thine attendants mark in thy conduct that they do but thresh straw; for then will they change the fashion of thy torments; though in truth I know not in what manner they will go about to deal with thee. But when thou shalt be clad in thy plumes and thy fool’s coat, then come again to me that I may further serve thee with counsel. And meanwhile will I pray God for thee, that He may protect thine understanding and thy health of body.”

With that he gives me the said powder and ointment, and so I betook myself home.

Now even as the pastor had said, so it happened. In my first sleep came four rogues disguised with frightful devils’ masks into my room and to my bed, and there they capered around like mountebanks9 and twelfth-night10 fools. There had one a red-hot hook and another a torch in his hands; but the other two fell upon me and dragged me out of bed and danced around with me for a time, and then forced me to put on my clothes: while I so pretended as if I had taken them for true and natural devils, shrieked murder at the top of my voice, and shewed all the effects of the greatest terror. So they told me I must go with them: and with that they bound a napkin round my head so that I could neither see, hear nor cry out. Then they led me by many winding ways up and down many stairs, and at last into a cellar wherein was a great fire burning, and when they had unbound the napkin then they began to drink to me in Spanish wine and malmsey. And fain would they persuade me I was dead, and what is more, in the depths of hell: for I was careful to keep such a carriage as if I believed all that they pretended.

Then said they, “Drink lustily; for thou must for ever abide with us: but if thou wilt not be a good fellow take thy part, thou must forthwith into this fire that thou seest.” These poor devils would have disguised their speech and voice: yet I marked at once they were my lord’s grooms: yet I let them not perceive this, but laughed in my sleeve that they that would make me a fool must themselves be my fools. So I drank my share of the Spanish wine; but the drank more than I, for such heavenly nectar cometh rarely to such customers; insomuch that I could swear they would be drunk sooner than I. But when it seemed to me to be the right time I so behaved myself with reeling this way and that, as I had seen my master’s guests lately do, and at last would drink no more, but sleep; but no: they began to chase me all round the cellar and prick me with their prong, which all the they had left to lie in the fire, till it seemed as if they themselves had gone mad, and that to make me drink more or at least not go to sleep. And whenever, being thus baited, I fell down (and this I often did purposely), then they seized upon me and made as if they would cast me into the fire. So was it with me as with a hawk that is kept from sleep11: and this was my great torment. ‘Tis true I could have lasted them out both in respect of drunkenness and sleep; but they stayed not all the time altogether, but relieved on another’s watch; and so at last must I have failed. Three days and two nights did I spend in that smoky cellar, which had no other light but that which the fire gave out: and so my head began to hum and to feel as if ‘twould burst, so that at last I must contrive some device to id me at once of my torment and of my tormentors. And this did I even as does the fox when he cannot escape the hounds, and that so well that my devils could no longer endure to be near me. So to punish me they laid me in a sheet and trounced me so unmercifully that all my inward parts might well have come out, soul and al. And what they did further with me I know not, so gone was I from my senses.

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1. Praeludium Veneris, a latin phrase that can be roughly translated to mean "precursor to Love;" Love being the goddess Venus. A Latin Dictionary (Oxford: Clarendon Press, 1955), pp. 1422, 1968.
2. Wormwood, a plant, proverbial for its bitter taste. Also used for medicinal and magical purposes. Dictionary of Early English (New York: Philisophical Library Inc., 1955), p. 732.
3. Elecampane, perennial composite plant, Horse-heal, with very large yellow radiate flowers and bitter aromatic leaves and root; formerly used as a tonic and stimulant. The Oxford English Dictionary, Second Edition (Oxford: Clarendon Press, 1989), vol. 5, p. 115.
4. Quince, the hard, acid, yellowish, pear shaped fruit of a small tree (Pyrus Cydonia) belonging to the pear family; the seeds are employed in medicine and the
arts. The Oxford English Dictionary, Second Edition (Oxford: Clarendon Press, 1989), vol. 13, p. 31.
5. Hippocras, a cordial, of spiced wine popular between the 14th and 17th centuries. Its name is a corruption of Hippocrates the Greek physician. Dictionary of Early English (New York: Philisophical Library Inc., 1955), p. 334.
6. Refers to an episode omitted in this translation.
7. Winnowing Basket, to expose (grain or other substances) to the wind or to a current of air so that the lighter particles are seperated or blown away. A winnowing basket is a contrivance for winnowing grain, etc. The Oxford English Dictionary, Second Edition (Oxford: Clarendon Press, 1989), vol. 20, pp. 403, 404.
8. Vogelsberg, a volcanic cone of basalt lying 40 miles northeast of Frankfurt-on-Main, West Germany. The Vogelsberg arose during Tertiary volcanic upheavals, blocking the Wetterau section of the Rhine rift valley. The summit, Taufstein, is 2,532 feet above sea-level. The slopes are deeply disected by radiating valleys. Chambers's Encyclopedia (London: International Learning Systems Corp. Ltd., 1973), vol. 14, p. 345.
9. Mountebanks, an impudent pretender to skill or knowledge, a charlatan; one who resorts to degrading means to obtain notoriety. The Oxford English Dictionary, Second Edition (Oxford: Clarendon Press, 1989), vol 10, p. 16.
10. Twelfth-night, a night formerly observed as a time of merry making. The Oxford English Dictionary, Second Edition (Oxford: Clarendon Press, 1989), vol. 18, p. 742.
11. Allusion to a cruel practice in use in falconry. (noted in original translation)

Edited by Catherine Huennekens

Chapter VI: HOW SIMPLICISSIMUS WHENT UP TO HEAVEN AND WAS TURNED INTO A CALF.

Now when I came to myself and found meself no longer in the glooomy cellare with the devils, but in a dine room under the charge of three of the foulest old wives that ever the earth bore: I held them first, when I opened my eyes a little, for real spirits of hell: but had I then read the old heathen poets I should have deemed them to be Furies 1, or at least have taken one for Tisiphonecome from hell to robme, like Athamas 2,of my wits (for well I knew I wasthere to be turned into a fool). Forshe had a pair of eyes like twowill-o’-the-wisps, and between the samea long, thin hawk’s nosewhose end or point reached at least to herlower lip: and two teeth onlycould I see in her mouth, and those so perfect,long, round, and thick thateach might for its form be likened to a ring-finger,and for its colour tothe gold ring itself. In a word, there was enoughto make up a mouthfulof teeth, yet ill distributed. Her face was likeSpanish leather, andher grey hair hung in a strange confusion about her head,for they had justfetched her from her bed. In truth it was a fearsomesight, which couldserve for nought else but as an excellent remedy againstthe unreasonablelust of a salacious goat. The other two were no whithandsomer, savethat they had blunt apes’ noses and had put on theirclothes somewhatmore orderly. So when I had a little recovered myself,I perceivedthat the one was our dish-washer and the other two wives of twogrooms. I pretended as though I could not move (and in truth I wasin no conditionfor dancing): whereupon these honest old beldames stripped me stark nakedand cleansed me for all filth like a young child; yea, while the work wasa-doing they shewed me great patience and much compassion, insomuch thatI nearly revealed to them how it truly stood with me: yet I thought,“Nay,Simplicissimus, trust thou in no old women; but considerthou has victoryenough if thou in they youth canst decieve three such craftyold hags, withwhose help one could catch the devil in the open field: fromsuch beginingsthough mayst hope in thine old age to do yet greater things.”
So when they had ended with me they laid me in a splendid bed wherein I fell asleep without rocking: but they departed and took their tubs and other things wherewith they had wached me away with them, and my clothes likewise. Then according to my reckoning did I sleep at one stretch twenty-four hours: and when I awoke there stood two pretty lads with wings before my bed, which were finely decked out with white shirts, taffety ribbons, pearls and jewels, as also golden chains and the like dazzling trinkets. One had a gilded trncher full of cakes, shortbread, marchpane, and otherconfectionery; but the other a gilded flagon in his hand. These twoangles (for such they have themselves out to be) sought to persuage me Iwas now in heaven, for that I had happily endured purgatory and had escapedfrom the devil and his dam: so need I only ask what me heart desired, forall that I could wish was at hand or, if not, they could presently fetchit. Now I was tormented by thirst, and as I saw the beaker beofre meI desired only drink, which was willingly handed to me. Yet was itno wine but a gentle sleeping-draught which I drank at one pull, and withthat again fell asleep so soon as it grew warm within me.
The next day I woke once more (for else had I still been sleeping), yet found myself no longer in bed nor in the aforesaid room, but in mine old goose-pen. There too was hideous darkness even as in the cellar, and besides that Ihad on a garment of calf-skins whereof the rough side was turned outwards:the breeches were cut in Polish or Swabian fashion and the doublet was tooshaped in a yet more foolish wise: and on my neck was a headpiece like amonks cowl; this was drawn down over my head and ornamented with a fine pairof greatasses’ ears. Then must I perforce laugh at mine ownplight; forwell I saw by the nest and the feathers what manner of bird Iwas to be. And at that time I first began to reason with myself andto reflect what Ihad best do. So this I determined; to play the foolto the utmost, asI might have the chance now and again and meanwhile towair with patiencehow my fate would shape itself.

Chapter VII: HOW SIMPLICISSIMUS ACCOMMODATED HIMSELF TO THE STATE OF A BRUTE BEAST

Now it had been east for me, by means of the hole which the mad ensign had cut in the dorr before, to free myself. But because I must now be a fool, I let that alone: and not only did I behave like a fool who hath not the wit of his own motion to release himself, but did even present myself as a hungry calf that pineth for its mother: nor was it long before my bleating was heard of them that were appointed to watch mel for presently there came two soldiers to the goose-pen and asked who was in there. So I answered: “ Ye fools, hear ye not that a calf is in here.” And with that they opened to pen and brought me out, and wondered how a calf could so speak: which forced performance became the, even as well as doth the awkward attempt of a new-recruited comedian who cannot play his part; and so much so that I thought often I must help them to play their jest out. So they took counsel what they should do with me, and agreed to make me a present to the Governor as one who would give them a larger reward if I could speak than the butcher would pay for me. Then they questioned me how I did, and I answered “Sorrily enough.” So they asked why, and I said, “For this reason, that here it is the fashion to shut up honest calves goose-pens. Ye rouges must know that a proper ox will in due time come of me; and somust I be brought up as becometh an honorable steer.”
So after this brief discourse they had me with them acrossthe street to the Governor’s quarters: a great crowd of boys followingus, and inasmuch as they, like myself, all bleated loud like a calf, theveryblind could have guessed by the hearing that a whole herd of calveswas beingdriven past: whereas by our looks we might be likened to a packof young foolsand old.
Then was I by my two soldiers presented to the Governor, for all the world as if they had taken me as plunder: then he rewared with agratification, but to me he promised the best post that I could have abouthim. SoI thought of the Goldsmith’s * and answered thus: “Good,my lord,but none must clap me into goose-pens: for we calves can endureno such treatmentif we are to grow and turn into fine heads of cattle.”The Governorpromised me better things and though himself a clever fellowto have madeso presentable a fool out of me. “But no,”thought I, “waitthou, my dear master; I have endured the trial byfire and therein have Ibeen hardened: now will we try which of us two canbest trick the other.”
Now jut then a peasant what had fled into the city was driving his cattle to drink. Which when I saw forthwith I left the Governor and ran to the cows, bleating like a calf, even as though I would suck: but they, when I came to them, were more terrified as me than a wolf, albeitI wore hair of their kind; yea, they were so affrighted and scattered soquickly from one another as if a hornets nest had been let loose among themin August, so that their master could not again bring them together at thesame place: which occasiond pretty sport. And in a wink a crowd offolk ran together to see this fool’s jape, and as my lord laughed tillhe was fit to burst, as last he said “Truly one fool maketh a hundredmore.”
But I thought to myself, “Yea, and thou speakest this truth of thine own self.”
And as from that time forward each must call me the calf, so I for my part had a scoffing nickname for everyone: which same, according to the opinion of all and especially of my lord, turned out most wittily; for I chirstened each as his qualities demanded. In a word; many did count me for a witless madman, while I held all for fools in their wits. And to my thinking this is still the way of the world: for each one is content with his own wits and esteemeth that he is of all men the cleverest.
The said jest which I played eith the peasant’s cattle made a short forenoon still shorter; for ‘twas then about the winter solstice. At dinner-time I waited as before, but besides that I played many quaint tricks: as that when I must eat no man could force me to take man’s food or drink: for I said roundly that I would have only grass, which at that time ‘twas impossible to come by. So my lord had a fresh pair of calf-skins fetched from the butcher, and the same pulledover the heads of two little boys: and these he set by me at a table, andfor a first course set before us a dish of winter salad and bade us fallto lustily: yea, he commanded to bring a live calf and entice him with saltto eat the salad. So I looked on staring as if I wondered at this,but the thing gave me occasion to play my part the better.
“ Of a certainty,” said they, when they saw mesounmoved, “’tis no new thing if calves do eat flesh, fish, cheese,and butter; yes, and at times drink themselves soundly drunk: nowadays cometo that, that but little difference is to be douns between them and mankind. Wilt though not play they part therein?” And to that I was the more easily persuaded in that I was hungry, and not because I had beforeseen with mine own eyes how men could be more swinish than pigs, more savagethan lions, more lustful than goats, more envious than dogs, more unrulythan horses, more stupid than asses, more mad for drinks than the brutes,craftier than foxes, greedier than wolves, sillier than apes, and more poisonousthan asps and toads; yet all alike partook of men’s food, and onlyby their shape were discerned from the beasts, and specially in repsect ofinnocence were they to be counted far below the poor calf. So I atemy fill with my fellow calves as much as my appetite demanded: and if a strangerhad unexpectedly thus beheld me sitting at table, without doubt he had imaginedthat Circe 3 of old had risen up again to turn to men into beasts; which artmy master then knew and practised. And as I took my dinner, so I wastreated at my supper, and even as my fellow guests or parasites fed withme,so must they with me to bed, though my lord would not permit that I shouldpass the night in the cow-byre. Now all this I did to befoool themthatwould have held me for a fool, and this sure conclusion did I make,that themost gracious God doth lend and impart to every man in his stationto whichHe hath called him, so much wit as he hath need of there to maintainhimself:yea, and moreover, that many do vainly imagine, doctors though theybe ornot, that they alone be men of wit and they only fit for every trade,whereasthere be as many good fish + in the sea yet.

Chapter VIII: DISCOURSETH OF THE WONDROUS MEMORY OF SOME AND THE FORGETFULNESS OF OTHERS

Now when I awaked the next morning were both my becalfed bedfellows up and away: so I rose up likewise, and when the adjutant came to fetch away the keys to open the town gates, out I slipped to my pastor; and to him I told all that he happened to me, as well in heaven as in hell. So when hw saw that I vexed me conscience that I should deceive so many folk, asspecially my master, whereas I pretended to be a fool, “why, upon thatpoint,” says he, “thou needest not to trouble thyself: this foolishworld will be befooled; and if they have left thee they wits, so use thouthose same wits to thine own advantage, and imagine thyself as if thou, liketo the Phoenix, hast been newly born from folly to understanding throughfire, and so to a new human life. Yet know thou withal thou are notyet out of the wood, but with risk of thy reason hast slipped into this fool’scap. Yea, and these times be so out of joint that none can know whetherthou yet escape without loss of life. For a man can run quickly intohell, but to get out again forth need a deal of puffing and blowing: andthou art not yet—no, not by a long way—man enough to escape thedanger than lies before thee, as well thou mightest suppose. So wiltthou have need of more foresight and wit than in those days when thou knewestnot what reason or unreason was: bide thou thy time and wait on the turnof the tide.”
Now was his manner of speaking different from what it had been, and that because, I believe, he had read it in my countenance that I fancied myself to be somewhat, since I had with such masterly deceit and art slipped through the net. Nay, I gathered this from his face, that he was sick and tired of me, for his looks shewed it; and indeed what part had he in me? With that I changed my discourse also, had busied myself to give him great thanks for the excellent remedies with he had imparted to me for the preserving of my wits: yea, and I made him impossible promised to repay him all that my debt to him demanded. Now this tickled him and brought him again to a different humour, wherein he bepraised his medicine and told me Simonides of Melos had invented an art which Metrodorus of Skepsis 4 had perfected, and that not without great pains, whereby he couldteach men at the repeating of a single word to recount all that they hadever heard or read, and such a thing, said he, “were not possible withoutmedicines to strengthen the head such as he had ministered to me.”
“ Yea,” though I, “my good master parson:yet have I read in thine own books, when I dwelt with my hermit, a differenttale of that wherein the Skepsian’s mnemonic did consist.”
Yet was I crafty enough to hold my peace: for if I must speak truth, ‘twas now first, when I must be counted a fool, that I became keen-witted and more guarded in my talk. So the pastor continued, and told me how Cyrus could call every one of his 30, 000 soldiers by his right name; how Lucius Scipio could so the like with ever citizen of Romel andhow Cineas, Pyrrhus’s ambassador, on the very day after he came toRome could repeat in their order the names of all the senators and nobles. Mithridates, the King of Pontus, said he, had in his realm men speaking twenty-two languages, to all of which he could minister judgment in their own tongue: yea, and talk with each separately. So, too, the learned Greek Charmides could tell a man what each would know out of all the books in a whole library if he had but read them once through. Lucius Seneca could say 2000names in order if they were once recited before him and, as Ravisius tells,could repeat 200 verses spoken by 200 scholars from the last back to thefirst. So Esdras knew the five books of Moses by heart, and could dictatethe same word by word to the scribes. Themistocles in one year didlearn the Persian Speech, and Crassus, in Asia, could talk five separatedialects of the Greek language, and in each administer the law to his subjects. Julius Caesar could at the same time read, dictate, and give audiences. The holy Jerome new both Hebrew, Chaldee, Greek, Persian, Median, Arabicand Latin, and the eremite Antonius knew the whole Bible by heart only fromhearing it read. And so we know of a certain Corsican that he couldhear 6000 men’s names recited and thereafter repeat them in properorder.
“ And all this I tell thee,” said he further, “that thou mayest not hold it for an impossible thing that a man’s memory should be excellently strengthened and maintained, even as it may, on the other hand, be in many ways weakened and even altogether destroyed. For in man there is no faculty so fleeting as that of memory: for by reason of sickness, terror, fear, or trouble and grief, it wither vanisheth away or loseth a great part of that after a stone had fallen on his head he forgot all he had ever learned, even to his alphabet. So too another, by reason of sickness, came to this, that he forgot his own servant’s name: and Messala Corvinus knew not his own name, though aforetime he had a good memory. And a priest who had sucked blood from his own veins thereupon forgot how to read and write, yet otherwise kept his memory, and when after a year’s time he had again drunken of the same blood at the same place and the same time, could again write and read. So if a man eats bear’s brains, ‘tis said he will fall into such a craze and strong delusion as ifhe himself were turned into a bear; as is shewn by the example of a Spanishnobleman who, having eaten of it, ran wild in the woods and could believenought else but that he was a bear. My good Simplicissimus, had thymaster but known this art, thou mightest well have been changed into a bearlike Callisto, rather than into a bull like Jupiter 5.”
The pastor told me much more of the same sort, gave me more of his medicament, and instructed me as to my carriage for the time to come. So with that I betook myself home again, and with me more than one hundred boys, which all ran after me and again cried after me like calves: insomuch that my master, who was now risen, ran to the windows, and when he saw so many fools all at once, was so gracious as to laugh heartily thereat.

Chapter IX: CROOKET PRAISE OF A PROPER LADY

Now no sooner was I come into the house but I must forthwith to the parlour, for there were noble ladies with my lord which desired much to see and to hear his new fool. There I appeared and stood a-gaping like a dummy: whereupon she whom I had before caught at the dance took occasion to sayshe had been told this calf at the dance took occasion to say she had beentold this calf could speak, but now she did plainly percieve ‘twasnot true. Whereto I made answer I had also heard apes could not speak,but now could plainly hear ‘twas not so.
“ What;” says my lord, “opinest thou, then, that these ladies be apes?”
So I answered, “Be they no so already, yet they soonwill be: for who knoweth how things will go; Yea, I myself had never expectedto become a calf; and yet am I that same.”
Then my lord would ask me whereby I could tell that these ladies should become apes: so I answered him, “Our ape here carrieth his hinder parts naked, but these ladies do carry their bosom: which other maidens be wont to cover.”
“ Ah, rogue,” saith my lord, “thou beest but a foolish calf, and as thou art so thou talkest: for these ladies do of purpose shew what ‘tis worth men’s while to gaze upon; whereas the poor ape goeth naked for sheer want of clothing. And now be thou quick to make good that wherein thou has offened: else will we so bastinado thee and so hunt three to thy goose-pen with dogs as men use to do with calves that know not how to behave themselves. Yet let us hear if thou canst praise a lady as is becoming.”
So I looked upon the lady from head to foot and again fromfoot to head, and gazed upon her so fixedly and so lovingly as I would takeher to wife: and at last, “Sir,” said I, “I see clearlywhere the fault lieth; for the rascal tailor is the cause of all. Thevillain hath left those parts, which should cover the neck and the breast,below the skirts: and therefore do these so trail behind. The botchershould have this hand hewn off that can tailor no better than this.”And “Lady,” quoth I to her, “be rid of him, or he willshame you; and have a care that you do deal with my dad’s tailor, whichsame was hight Master Powle: for he could fashion fine plaited gowns formy mammy, our Ann, and our Ursula, and all cut even round about below. So did they never drag in the mud like yours: nay, and ye cannot believewhat fine clothes he would make for the hussies.”
So says my lord, “Were now thy father’s Ann and thy father’s Ursula handsomer than these ladies;”
“ Nay,” said I, “my lord, that may not be: this young maiden hath hair as yellow as sulpher, and the parting of herhair so white and smooth as though one had cut bristle-brushes therefrom;yes, and her hair so sweetly done up on rolls that it is like unto pipe-stems; yes, and as if one had hanged upon each side of her head a pound of candles or a dozen sausages. Look you now, what a smooth, fair brow she hath! Is it not rounder than a plum-pudding and whiter than a dead man’sskull that has hung long on the gallows in wind and rain. ‘Tispity indeed that her tender skin is so stained by puff-powder; for when people see this who understand not such things, surely they will think this lady had the king’s evil, which is wont to produce such a scaly humour;and this were surely pity: for look upon those sparking eyes: they shineas black as did the soot on my dad’s chimney for that did use to shineso terrible when our Ann stood there before it was a wisp of straw to warmthe room as if fire were therein enough to set the world in a blaze. Her cheeks be rosy enough, yet not so red as the red garters with which theSwabian waggoners at Ulm6 did truss up their breeches. Yet the bright red which she hath on her lipsdoth far surpass the colour of those garters, and if she speak or laugh (Ipray my masters give heed thereto), then can one see in her mouth two rowsof teeth, so orderly and so sugary as if they were with one snip cut outof a white turnip. Oh, lovely creature! I cannot believe that any oneshould feel pain if though shouldst bite him therewith! So, too, herneck is as white as curdled milk and her bosom, which lieth beneath, of likecolour. And oh, my masters, look upon her hands and fingers: they beso slender, so long, so slim, so supple, and so cunning as for all the worldlike a gipsy’s finers, ready the thurst into any man’s pocketsand there go a-fishing”
With that there arose such a laughter that none could hearme, nor I talk: so I took French leave and off I went: for I would be mockedby others so long as I would, and longer.

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*Proverbial: an allusion to a popular story. [Goodrick's note]
+ Lit. there are folk dwelling beyond the mountains too. [Goodrick's note]

*****
1. The Furies were the Roman goddesses of vengence, called the "Eumenides" or "well-meaning goddesses" by the Greeks, who feared them too much to ever mention their real names. They punished only certain crimes, including: disobedience to parents, disrespect to elders, perjury, murder, and inhospitality. They were the daughters of earth and sky, and so, having preceeded the Olympians, were not subject to the rule of Zeus. Tisiphone was one of the three, known as the "blood avenger". "Eumenidies," Dictionary of Greekand Roman Biography and Mythology. ed. William Smith. (New York:AMS Press, 1962). vol. 2.
2. In Greek mythology, Athamas was King of Boeotia and son of Aiolus, the King of the Winds. Though already married with two sons, he fell in love with Ino and had two sons by her. When he went to the Oracle to find if he should try to marry her, Ino, possessed by jealousy, bribed the priestesses to tell Athamas to kill the sons from his previous marriage. He did so and Hera, enranged, made him insane. In his madness, he killed one of Ino's sons and would have killed the other, but she jumped into the ocean with him to save them both. Zeus took pity over them and turned them into sea gods. "Athamas," Dictionary of Greek and Roman Biography and Mythology. ed.William Smith. (New York: AMS Press, 1962). vol. 1.
3. In the Odyssey, Circe, the daughter of the sun god, Helios, and Perse, and oceanid, changed Odysseus's companions into animals into pigs, and forced him to stay a year, at theend of which, she instructed him to seek the seer Teiresias in the Underworld. "Circe," Dictionary of Greek and Roman Biography and Mythology. ed. William Smith. (New York: AMS Press, 1962). vol. 1.
4. Simonides was a poet who livedin the 5th and 4th century BC to the astounding age of 87. He is mostwell known for his epitaphs. Metrodrus was a Roman historian, a discipleof Epicurus, noteworthy today for being one of the few Roman historians whodisagreed with Plato and criticized his contemporaries. Cambridge Ancient History, ed. Bury, Cook, et. al. (Cambridge: Cambrudge University Press, 1970), vol 5, p. 209 and vol 8, p. 455.
5. In Greek mythology, the nymph Callisto was a follower of Artemis with whom Zeus fell in love, and had a son. When Hera found out, she turned the nymph into a bear. Her son, Arcas, was a hunter, and was bewitched by Hera to shoot his mother; before he did, however, Zeus took both mother and son and placed them ascontellations in the sky. Zeus turned himself into a bull when he descendedto Europa, a daughter of a Phoenix with whom he had fallen in love. "Callisto"and "Europa," Dictionary of Greek and Roman Biography and Mythology.ed. William Smith. (New York: AMS Press, 1962). vol.1 and vol. 2.
6. Ulm, the town of Ulm-an-Donau, situated on the Danube some 45 miles southeast of Stuttgart was chartered in 1027 and became an imperial city in 1155. In the middle ages, it had a thriving texile manufactory. It accepted Protestantism in 1530 and joined the Schmakaldic Leauge. The city began to decline during the 30 Years' War. "Ulm" Encyclopedia of Historic Places ed. Courtland Canby. (New York: Facts on File, 1984).


Edited by Katrina Laskowsky


Chap. X: DISCOURSETH OF NAUGHT BUT HEROES AND FAMOUS ARTISTS


Thereafter followed the midday meal, whereat I again did good service: for how I had made it my purpose to rebuke all follies and to chastise all vanities, to which end my present condition was excellent well fitted: for no guest was too exalted for me to reprove and upbraid his vices and it there were many that shewed displeasure, then was he laughed out of countenance by the rest, or else my master would demonstrate to him that no wise man is wont to be vexed at a fool. As to the mad ensign, which was my worst enemy, him I put on the rack at once. Yet the first who (at my lord’s nod) did answer me reasonably was the secretary; for when I called him a “title-forger” and asked what title, then had our first father Adam, “Thou talkest,” answered he, “like an unreasoning calf” for thou knowest not how after our first parents different folk lived in the world, which by rare virtues such as wisdom, manly deeds of arms, and invention of useful arts, did in such wise ennoble themselves and their family that they by others were exalted above all earthly things, yea even above the stars to be gods: and wert thou a man, or hadst thou at least, like a man, read the histories, thou wouldst understand the difference that lies between men, and so wouldst thou gladly grant to each his title of honour; but since thou art by a calf, and so neither worthy no capable of human honour, thou talkest of this matter like a stupid calf, and grudgest to the noble human race that wherein it can rejoice.”
So I answered: “I was once a man as much as thou, and I have read pretty much also, and so can I judge that thou either understandest not this business aright, or art for thine own advantage compelled to speak otherwise than as thou knowest. For tell me, what deeds so noble and what arts so fine have ever been devised as to be enough to give nobility to a whole family for hundreds of years after the death of these great heroes and craftsmen? Did not the strength of the heroes and the wisdom and high understanding of the craftsmen die with them? And if thou seest not this, and if the qualities of the parents do descend to their children, then must I believe thy father was a stockfish and thy mother a plaice.”

“Oho!” answered the secretary, “if the matter is to be settled by our reviling each other, then can I cast in thy teeth they father was but a clownish peasant of the Spessart,1 and though in thy home and in thy family there be many famous blockheads, yet thou hast made thyself yet lower seeing that thou art becoming and unreasoning calf.”

So I answered: “Thou art right; ‘tis even that that I could maintain; namely, that the virtues of the parents descend not always to the children, and that therefore the children be not always worthy of their parent’s titles of honour. For me it is no shame to have become a calf, seeing that in such case I have the honour to follow the great king Nebuchadnezzar. Who knoweth wither it may not please God that I, like him, may again become a man, yea, and a far greater on than my dad? Yet do I praise those only that by their own virtues do make themselves noble.”

“Let it be so for the sake of argument,” said the secretary, “that the children should not always inherit the titles of their parents, yet thou must acknowledge that they are worthy of all praise which do earn their nobility by a good conduct: and if that be so, it followeth that we do rightly honour the children for the parents’ sake, since the apple falleth not far from the tree. And who would not honour in the descendants of Alexander the Great, if such there were to hand, their ancient forefather’s high courage in the wars. For this man shewed in his youth his desire for fighting, in that he wept (though not yet able to bear arms) grieving lest his father might conquer all and leave him nothing to subdue. Did not he in a battle against the Indians, when he was deserted by his men, for sheer rage sweat blood? And was he not so terrible to look upon (as though he were all begirt with flames of fire) that even the savages must flee before him in battle? Who would not esteem him higher and nobler than other men, of whom Quintus Curtius tell that his breath was like perfume and his sweat like must and that his dead body smelt of precious spiceries? Here could I cite the case of Julius Cæsar and Pompeius, of whom the one, besides the victories which he won in the civil wars, did fifty times engage in pitched battles, and defeated and slew 1,520,000 men: while the other, besides taking 940 ships from the pirates, did from the Alps to the uttermost parts of Spain capture and subdue 376 cities and towns. Lucius Siccius, the Roman people’s tribune was engaged in 120 pitched battles, and did eight times conquer then that challenged him; he could shew forty-five scars on his body, and those all in front and none behind: with nine generals-in-chief did he enter Rome in their triumphs,2 which they did clearly earn by their courage. Yea, and Manlius Capitolinus’s honour in war were no less had he not at the end of his life himself abased his fame: for he too could shew thirty-three scars, without counting that he once did alone save the capitol with all its treasures from the French. What of Hercules the Strong and Theseus3and the rest, whose undying praise it is well-nigh impossible both to describe and to tell of? Should not these be honoured in their descendants? But I will pass over war and weapons and turn to the arts, which, though they seem to make less noise in the world, yet to achieve great fame for the masters of them. What skill do we find in Zeuxis4, which by his ingenious brain and skilful hand did deceive the very birds of the air; and likewise in Apelles, who did paint a Venus so natural, so fine, so exquisite, and in all features so nice and so delicate that all bachelors did fall in love with her! Doth not Plutarch tell us how Archimedes did draw with one hand and by a single rope through the midst of the marketplace at Syracuse5a great ship laden with merchants’ ware as if he had but led a packhorse by the bridle? which thing not twenty oxen, to say nothing of two hundred calves like thee, could have effected. And should not this honest craftsman be endowed with a title of honour fitted to his art? This Archimedes made a mirror wherewith he could set on fire an enemy’s warship in mid-sea. And who would not praise him which first did invent letters? Yea, who would not exalt him far above all artists who devised the noble and, for all the world, useful art of printing? If Ceres6 was accounted a goddess because she is said to have invented agriculture and the grinding of corn, why were it not fair that others would have their praise with titles of honour allowed them? Yet in truth it mattereth little whether thou, thou stupid calf, canst take such things into thy unreasoning bullock’s brain or not. For ‘tis with thee as with the dog which lay in the manger and would not let the ox eat of the hay, yet could not enjoy the same himself: thou art capable of no honour, and for that very cause thou grudgest such of those that do deserve it.”

With all this I found myself sorely bestead, yet made answer: “These mighty deeds were indeed highly to be praised were they not accomplished with the destruction and damage of other men. But what manner of praise is this which is stained with the bloodshed of so many innocents; and what manner of nobility that which is achieved and won by the ruin of so many thousand other folk! And as concerns the arts, what be they save merely vanities and follies! Yea, they be as vain, idle, and unprofitable as the title of honour which might come to any man from these craftsmen; for they do but serve the greed, or the lust of the luxury, or the corruption of others, like to those vile guns which lately I beheld on their half-waggons. Yea, and according to the sentence and opinion of that holy man who held that the whole wide world was book enough for him, wherein to study the wonders of his Creator and thereupon to recognise the almighty power of God.”

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1.Spessart is a hilly region in northwestern Bavaria, a province in southern present-day Germany.

2.An ancient Roman triumph was a majestic parade accorded to a general after his return from winning a major battle. All of Rome turned out to see the sometimes exotic animals, people and spoils of war displayed in the triumph.

3.Theseus was an ancient Greek famous for his heroic deeds. He was the son of Aethra and either Aegeus or Poseidon. He killed several men or creatures that had terrorized people for years, including Sinis the Pine Bender, who split people in half, the Crommyonian sow, Scrion who killed his guests, Procrustes, who made his visitors fit his bed by either cutting off the spillover or stretching the person's body, the Bull of Marathon and the Minotaur of Crete.

4.Zeuxis, an ancient Greek painter from the fifth century BCE used shading and illusionism to make the painting more realistic. In the event referred to above, it is reported that the birds mistook his painting of grapes for actual grapes.

5.Syracuse was a colony of Corinth on the island of Sicily settled in 734 BCE.

6.Ceres, the Roman goddess of agriculture began to be worshiped around the fifth century BCE. She is similar to the Greek goddess, Demeter.


Chap. XI: OF THE TOILSOME AND DANGEROUS OFFICE OF A GOVERNOR

Then my lord would also have his just with me, and said: “I do well perceive that because thou trustest not thyself to be of gentle birth, therefore thou despisest the honourable titles of gentility.” “Sir,” answered I, “if I could at this very hour enter upon your place of honour, yet would I not take it.”

My lord laughed and said; “That I believe, for the ox his oaten straw is well enough: but an thou hadst a high spirit such as hearts of gentles should have, then wouldst thou with zeal aspire to high honours and dignities. I for my part count it no small thing that fortune raises me above my fellows.”

Then did I sigh, and “O toilsome felicity!” said I. “Sir, I assure you, ye are the most miserable man in Hanau.”

“How so; how so, calf?” said my lord. “Give me thy reasons, for such I find not in myself.”

So I answered, “If you know not and feel not that you are Governor in Hanau, and with how many cares and uneasiness in that account burdened, then either the devouring thirst of honour blinds you or else are you of iron and quite insensible; ye have ‘tis true, the right to command, and whosoever comes within your kin the same must obey you. But do they serve ye for naught? Are ye not all men’s servant? Must ye not specially take care for each and all? See, ye are girded round with foes, and the safeguarding of this stronghold depends on you alone. Ever must ye be devising how to do some damage to your opposites: and therein must ever be on your guard that your plans not be spied upon. Must ye not often stand on guard like a common sentinel? Besides, ye must ever be concerned that there be no failure in money, ammunition, food and folk, and for that reason be ever holding the whole land to contribution by continual exactions and extortions. Send ye your men out to such an end, then is robbery, plunder, stealing, burning, and murder their highest task. Even now of late they have plundered Orb, captured Braunfels, and laid Staden in ashes. Thence ‘tis true they brought back booty, but ye have lad on them a grievous responsibility before God. I grant this, that those enjoyments which accompany thine honour do please thee well; but knowest thou who will enjoy such treasures as doubtless they gatherest? And granteed that such riches remain thine (whereof a man may doubt), yet must thou leave them in this world and takest nothing with thee but the sin whereby thou hast gained them. And even if thou hast the good luck to enjoy they booty, yet thou dost but spend the sweat and blood of the poor, who do now in misery suffer want or ever perish and die of hunger. How often do I see that thy thoughts, by reason of the cares of thine office, are distracted hither and thither, while I and other calves to sleep in peace without any care, and if thou dost not so, it shall cost thee thy head if aught be overlooked that should have been provided for the preservation of they subject people and this fortress. Look you, I am raised above such cares! and so, knowing what I do owe the debt of death to nature, I fear lest an enemy should storm my stall or lest I should have with pains to fight for life. If I die young, so am I delivered from the toilsome life of a yoke-ox. But for thee men lay snares in a thousand fashions: and therefore is thy life naught but a continual care and sleeplessness; for thou must fear both friend and foe, which be ever devising to cheat thee of thy life or thy money, or thy reputation or thy command, or somewhat else whatever it may be; even as thou thinkest to do by others. The enemy doth attack thee openly: and they supposed friends do secretly envy thee thy good luck, and even as regards thy subjects art thou in no manner of safety.

“I say naught of this, that daily thy burning desires do torment thee and drive thee hither and thither, whilst thou plannest to gain for thyself still greater name and fame, to rise higher in rank, to gather greater riches, to play the enemy a trick, to surprise this or that place; in a word, to do wellnigh everything that may vex others and prove harmful to thine own soul and grievous to God’s majesty. Yea, and the worst is this, that thou art so spoiled by thy flatterers that thou knowest not thyself, but art by them so captivated and drugged that thou canst not see the dangerous way thou goest; for all that thou doest they say is right and all thy vices are by them turned into virtues and so proclaimed; thy cruelty is to them stern justice: and when thou plunderest land and folk, thou art a brave soldier, say they and so urge thee on to others’ harm, that they may keep in thy favour and fill their purses too.”

“Thou malingerer,” said my lord, “who taught thee so to preach?”

“Good, my lord,” answered I, “say I not truly that thou art so spoiled by thine ear-wiggers and sycophants that already thou art past help? Whereas contrariwise other folk do soon detect thy faults and condemn thee not only in high and mighty matters, but find enough to blame in thee in small things which are of little account. And of this hast thou not examples enough in the case of great men of old time? So the Lacedaemonians railed at their on Lycurgus for walking with his head bowed: the Romans deemed it a foul fault in Scipio that he snored so loud in his sleep: it seemed to them an ugly fault in Pompey that he did scratch himself but with one finger: at Cæsar they mocked for wearing his girdle awry; and the good Cato was slandered for eating too greedily with both jaws at once; yea, the Carthaginians spoke evil of Hannibal1 for going with his breast bare and uncovered. How think ye now, my dear master? Think ye I would change places with one that, besides twelve or thirteen boon companions, flatterers and parasites, hath more than one hundred, yea ‘tis like enough more than ten thousand, both open and secret foes, slanderers, and malicious enviers? Besides, what happiness, what pleasure, and what joy can such a head have under whose care, protection, and guard so many men do live: Is’t not a duty laid on thee to watch for all thy folk, to care for them, and listen to each one’s complaints and grievances? Were that not of itself troublesome enough even though thou hadst neither foes nor secret enemies? I can see well enough how hard ‘tis for thee and yet how many grievances thou must endure. And, good my lord, what in the end will be thy reward? Tell me what hast thou for it all? If thou canst not say, then suffer the Grecian Demosthenes2 to tell thee, who after he had bravely and loyally furthered and defended the common weal and rights of the Athenians, was, contrary to all law and justice, banished the land and driven into miserable exile as an evil-doer. So Socrates was requited with poison, and Hannibal so ill rewarded by his countrymen the he must wander in the world as a poor wretched outlaw; yea, the Greeks repaid Lycurgus in such fashion that he was stoned and had an eye beaten out. Do thou, therefore, keep thy high office to thyself, with the reward thou wilt have from it: seek not to share it with me; for even if all go well with thee, yet hast thou naught to carry home with thee but an ill conscience. And if thou art minded to obey that conscience, then wilt thou be quickly deposed from thy commands as incapable, for all the world as if thou too wert become a stupid calf.”

While I thus spake, the rest of the company looked hard upon me and wondered much that I should be able to hold such discourse, which, and they openly confessed, would have taxed the wits of a man of sense if he had been forced so to speak without preparation.

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1.Hannibal (247-183?BCE), was a noted general of Carthage in the Second Punic War against Rome. Most of the victories against Rome are accredited to him. He is famous for his disastrous crossing of the Alps.

2.Demosthenes (384-322 BCE), was a famous orator of Athens and a leader for its democracy. The incident reported in Grimmelshausen is still ambiguous, as Demosthenes was convicted of stealing 10 talents, but fined much less than the customary amount. His escape from prison afterward precluded him from being able to obtain the money to pay his fine. Later on in his life, the Athenians paid his fine and called him back from exile.


Chap. XII: OF THE SENSE AND KNOWLEDGE OF CERTAIN UNREASONING ANIMALS

So I ended my discourse this: “Therefore,” said I, “my excellent master, will I not change with thee: for indeed I have no call to do so since the brook affords me a healthy drink instead of thy costly wines; and He who allowed me to be turned into a calf will also in such wise know how to bless the fruits of the earth to my use, that they be to me as to Nebuchadnezzar, no unfitting provision for food and sustenance: even so hath nature provided me with a good coat of fur; while as for thee, often thou loathest thy meat, thy wine splitteth thy head, and soon will bring thee into one sickness or another.”

Then my lord answered: “I know not what I have in thee; meseemeth thou art for a calf far too wise: nay, I do surmise thou hast under that calf-skin clad thyself with a rougue-skin.”

With that I made as if I were angry, and aid: “Do ye men think, then, that we beasts be all fools? That may ye not imagine. I do maintain that if older beasts could speak as well as I, that they would tell you a very different story. If ye deem we are so stupid, then tell me who hath taught the wild wood-pidgeons, the jays, the blackbirds, and the partridges to purge themselves with laurel-leaves, and doves, turtle-doves, and fowls with dandelions. Who teacheth the cat and dog to eat the dewy grass when they desire to purge a full belly? Who hath taught the tortoise to heal a bit with hemlock or the stag when he is shot to have recourse to the dictamnus or calamint? Who taught the weasel to use the rue when she will fight with the bat or snake? Who maketh the wild boar to know the ivy and the bear the mandrake, and saith to them it is their medicine? Who giveth the swallow to understand that she should heal her fledglings’ dim eyes with chelidonium? Who did instruct the snake to heat of fennel when she will cast her slough and heal her darkened eyes? Who teacheth the stork to purge himself, the pelican to let himself blood and the bear to get himself scarified by bees? Nay, I might almost say, ye men have learned your arts and sciences from us beasts. Ye eat and drink yourselves to death, and that we beasts do never do. Lion or wolf, when he is by way of growing to fat, then he fasteth till again he is thin, active and healthy. And which party dealeth most wisely herein? Yea, above and beyond all this, consider the fowls of the air; regard the various architecture of their cunning nests, and inasmuch as all your labours can never imitate them, therefore ye must acknowledge they be both wise and more ingenious than ye men yourselves. Who telleth to our summer birds when they should come to us for the spring and hatch their young, or for the autumn, when they should again betake themselves from us to warmer climes? Who teacheth them they must choose a gathering-place to that end? Who leadeth them or sheweth them the way? Do ye men lend them, perchance, a compass that they fall not out by the way? Nay, my good friends, they do know the way without your help, and how long they must spend therein, and when they must depart from this place and the other, and therefore have no need of your compass nor your almanack. Further, behold the industrious spider, whose web is wellnigh a miracle: look if you find a single knot in all her weaving. What hunter or fisher hath taught her how to spread her net, and when she hath laid that net to catch her prey, to set herself either in the furthest corner to else full in the center? Ye men do admire the raven of whom Plutarchus writeth that he threw into a vessel that was half full of water to many stones that that water rose until he could conveniently drink thereof. What would ye do if he were to dwell among the beasts and there behold al the rest of their dealings, their doings, and their not-doings? Then at all events would ye acknowledge ‘twas plain that all beasts had somewhat of especial natural vigour and virtue in all their desires and instincts, as being now prudent, now strenuous, now gentle, now timid, now fierce, for your learning and instruction. Each knoweth the other; they discern each from other; they seek after that which is useful to them, flee from what is harmful, avoid danger, gather together what is necessary for their sustenance—yea, and at times do befool you men yourselves. Therefore have many ancient philosophers seriously pondered of such matters and have not been ashamed to question and to dispute whether unreasoning brutes might not have understanding. But I care not to speak further of these matters: get ye to the bees and see how they make wax and honey, and then come again and tell me how ye think of it.”

Edited by Ellen Turner


Chap. XIII : OF VARIOUS MATTERS WHICH WHOEVER WILL KNOW MUST EITHER READ THEM OR HAVE THEM READ TO HIM
Thereupon various judgments were pronounced upon me by my lord’s guests. The Secretaries were of opinion I should be counted a fool because I esteemed myself a reasoning beast, and because they that had a tile or two slipped, and yet seemed to themselves wise, were the most complete and comical fools of all. Others said, if ’twere possible to drive out of me the idea that I was a calf, or one could persuade me I was again turned into a man, I should surely be held reasonable, or at least sane enough. But my lord himself said, “I hold him for a fool because he telleth every man the truth so shamelessly; yet are his speeches so ordered that they belong to no fool.” (Now all this they spake in Latin, that I might not understand.) Then he asked me, had I studied while I was yet a man? I answered, I knew not what study was “but, dear sir,” said I further, “tell me what manner of things are these studs with which men study? Speakest thou, perchance, of the balls with which men bowl.” Then answered he they called the “mad ensign,” “What will ye with the fellow? ’a hath a devil, ’a is possessed? ‘’tis sure the devil talking through his mouth.” And on that my lord took occasion to ask me, since I had been turned into a calf, whether I still was accustomed to pray like other men and trusted to go to heaven. “Surely,” answered I, “Yet have I my immortal human soul, which, as thou canst easily believe, will not lightly desire to come to hell again, specially since I fared therein so evilly once before. I am but changed as once was Nebuchadnezzar,1 and in God’s good time I might well become a man again.” “And I hope thou mayst,” said my lord, with a pretty deep sigh, whereupon I might easily judge that he repented him of having allowed me to be driven mad. “But let us hear,” he went on, “how art thou wont to pray?” So I kneeled down and raised my eyes and hands to heaven in good hermit fashion, and because my lord’s repentance which I had perceived touched my heart with exceeding comfort, I could not refrain my tears, and so to outward appearance prayed with deepest reverence, after the Paternoster,2 for all Christendom, for my friends and my enemies, and that God would vouchsafe to me so to live in this world that I might be worthy to praise Him in eternal bliss. My hermit had taught me such a prayer in devout and well-ordered words. At that some soft-hearted onlookers were also night to weeping, for they had great pity for me, yea, my lord’s own eyes were full of water.

After dinner my lord sends for the pastor, and to him he told all that I had uttered, gave him to understand that he was concerned lest all was not well* with me, and perchance the devil had a finger in the pie, seeing that at first I had shewn myself altogether simple and ignorant yet now could utter things to make men wonder. The pastor, who knew my qualities better than any other, answered, that should have been thought on before ’twas allowed to make me a fool, for “men,” said he, “were made in the image of God, and with such, and especially with such tender youth, once must not make sport as with beasts” : yet would he never believe ’twas permitted to the evil spirit to interfere, seeing that I had ever commended myself to God with fervent prayer. Yet if against all likelihood such a thing were decreed and permitted, then had men a sore account to answer for before God, inasmuch as there would scarcely be greater sin than for one man to rob another of his reason and thus withdraw him from the praise and service of God, whereto he was chiefly created. “I gave ye beforehand my assurance,” said he, “that he had wit enough, but that he could not fit himself to the world was caused by this, that he was brought up first with his father, a rough peasant, and then with your brother-in-law in the wilderness, in all simplicity. Had fold had but a little patience with him at first, he would with time have learned a better carriage; he was but a simple, God-fearing child, such as the evil-disposed world knew not. Yet do I not doubt that he can again be brought to his right mind, if we can but take from him this fantasy and bring him to believe no longer that he was turned into a calf. We read of one which did firmly believe he was changed into an earthen pot, and would beseech his friends to put him high on a shelf lest he should be trodden on and broken. Another did imagine he was a cock, and in his infirmity crowed both day and night. And yet another fancied he was already dead and a wandering spirit, and therefore would partake of no medicine nor food nor drink, till a wise physician hired two fellows which gave themselves out likewise to be spirits, yet hearty drinkers, who joined themselves to him and persuaded him that nowadays spirits were wont to eat and drink, whereby he was brought to his senses. Yea, I myself had a sick peasant in my parish, who, when I visited him, complained to me that he had three or four barrels of water in his body; and could he be rid of that he trusted to be well again, and begged me either to have him ripped up, that the water might run away, or have him hung up in the smoke to dry it up. So I spoke to him fair, and persuaded him I could draw off the water from him in another fashion; and with that I took a tap such as we use for wine and beer-casks, bound a strip of pig’s guts to it, and the other end I fastened to the bung hole of a great puncheon,3 which to that end I had had filled with water; then I pretended as if I had stuck the tap into his belly, which he had had swathed in rags lest it should burst. Then I let the water run out of the puncheon through the tubes; whereat the poor creature rejoiced heartily and, throwing away his rags, was in a few days whole again. Again, one that imagined he had all manner of horse-furniture, bits and the like, in his body, was in this wise cured: for his physician, having given him a strong purge, conveyed such things into the night-stool so that the fellow must needs believe he was rid of them by the purging. So, too, thy tell of one madman that believed his nose was so long that it reached to the ground: for him they hung a sausage to his nose, and cut it away by little and little till they came to the real nose: who, as soon as he felt the knife touch his flesh, cried out the nose was in its right shape again. And our good Simplicissimus can therefore be cured even as were these of whom I have spoken.”

“All this can I believe,” answered my master, “only this gives me concern, that he was before so ignorant, and now can talk of all matters, and that in such perfect fashion as one cannot easily find even among persons older, more practiced, and better read than he is: for he hath told me of many properties of beasts, and described mine own person so exactly as he had been all his life in the busy world, so that I must needs wonder and hold his speeches wellnigh for an oracle or a warning of God.”

“Sir,” answered the pastor, “this may well be true and yet natural: I know that he is well read, seeing that he, as well as his hermit, went through all my books which I had, and which were not few; and because the lad hath a good memory, and is now at leisure in his mind and forgetful of his own person, therefore he can utter what foretime he stored in his brain: and therefore I do cherish the firm hope that with time he may again be brought to right reason.”
In this wise the pastor left the Governor between hope and fear: and me and my cause he defended in the best way, and gained for me days of happiness and for himself (by the way) access to the Governor. Their crowning resolve was this, to deal with me for a time quietly; and that the pastor did more for his own sake than mine, for by going to and fro and acting as if he bestirred himself for my sake and felt great care for me, he gained the Governor’s favour, who gave him office and made him chaplain to the garrison, which in those hard times was no small matter: neither did I grudge it him.

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*I.e., he was bewitched [Goodrick's note]
1.Nebuchadnezzar was the King of Chaldean Neo-Babylonia from 625-605 BC. He fulfilled the prophecies of Jeremiah when his army burned and looted Jerusalem, exiling the city's inhabitants to Babylon. In the Book of David, Nebuchadnezzar is described as an insane old man. "Nebuchadnezzar II," Great Lives From History: Ancient and Medieval Series (Pasadena: Salem Press, 1988), vol. 3, p. 1444-7.
2.The Pater Noster, also known as the Lord's Prayer, is used to petition God, and in the Bible it follows instructions on how to pray. "The Our Father," New Catholic Encyclopedia (New York: McGraw-Hill Book Company, 1967), vol. 10, p. 829-31.
3.In this case, a puncheon is a large cask used for holding large quantities of a liquid. It can also be a small pointed tool for working on stone. "Puncheon," Webster's Third New International Dictionary of the English Language (Springfield: G & C Merriam Company, 1976), p. 1842.

Chap. XIV : HOW SIMPLICISSIMUS LED THE LIFE OF A NOBLEMAN, AND HOW THE CROATS ROBBED HIM OF THIS WHEN THEY STOLE HIMSELF
So from this time forward I possessed in full the favour, grace, and love of my lord, of which I can boast with truth: nought I wanted to complete my good fortune but that my calf-skin was too much and my years too little, though I knew it not myself. Besides, the pastor would not yet have me brought to my senses, but it seemed to him not yet time, neither as yet profitable for his interest. But my lord, seeing my taste for music, had me learn it, and hired for me an excellent lute-player, whose art I presently well understood and in this excelled him, that I could sing to the lute better than he. So could I serve my lord for his pleasure, for his pastime, delight, and admiration. Likewise all the officers shewed me their respect and goodwill, the richest burghers sent me gratifications, and the household, like the soldiers, wished me well because they saw how well inclined my master was to me. One treated me here, another there; for they knew that often jesters have more power with their masters than honest men: and to this end were all their gifts; for some gave to me lest I should slander them, others for that very reason—namely, that I should slander others for their sake. In which manner I put together a pretty sum of money, which for the most part I handed to the pastor; for I knew not yet to what end it could be used. And as none dared look at me askance, so from this time forward I had no jealousy, care, or trouble to encounter with. All my thoughts I gave to my music, and to devising how I might courteously point out to one and the other his failings. So I grew like a pig in clover, and my strength of body increased palpably: soon could one see that I was no longer starving my body in the wood with water and acorns and beech-nuts and roots and herbs, but that over a good meal I found the Rhenish wine and Hanau double-beer to my taste, which was indeed in those miserable times to be accounted a great favour of God: for at that time all Germany was aflame with war and harried by hunger and pestilence, and Hanau1 itself besieged by the enemy, all which disturbed me not in the least. But after the raising of the siege my master designed to make a present of me either to Cardinal Richelieu2 or Duke Bernhard of Weimar,3for besides that he hoped to earn great thanks for the gift, he said plainly ’twas not possible for him to bear the sight of me longer, because I presented to him in that fool’s raiment the face of his lost sister, to whom I grew more like every day. In that the pastor opposed him, for he held that the time was not yet come when he was to do a miracle and make me a reasonable creature again, and therefore counseled the Governor he should have a couple of calf-skins prepared and put on two other boys, and thereafter appoint some third person who, in the shape of a physician, prophet, or conjurer, should strip me and the said two boys and pretend he could make beasts into men and men into beasts: in this manner I might be restored, and without great pains might be brought to believe I had, like the others, again become a man. Which proposal when the Governor approved, the pastor told me what he had agreed with my master, and easily persuaded me to consent thereto. But envious Fortune would not so easily free me of my fool’s clothes nor leave me longer to enjoy my noble life of pleasure. For while tanners and tailors were already at work on the apparel that appertained to this comedy, I was even then sporting with some other boys on the ice in front of the ramparts. And there some one, I know not who, brought upon us a party of Croats, which seized upon us all, set us upon certain riderless farm-horses which they had just stolen, and carried us all of together. ’Tis true they were at first in doubt whether to take me with them or not, till at last one said in Bohemian, “Mih werne daho blasna sebao, bowe dme ho gbabo Oberstowi” (“Take we the fool: bring we him to our colonel”). And another answered him, “Prschis am bamboo ano, mi ho nagonie possadeime wan rosumi niemezki, won bude mit Kratock wille sebao” (“Yes, by God, set we him on the horse. The colonel speaks German: he will have sport with him”). So I must to horse, and must learn how a single unlucky hour can rob one of all welfare and so separate him from all luck and happiness that all his life he must bear the consequences.

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1.Hanau is located in the German state of Hesse, on the right bank of the Main River and east of Frankfurt am Main. The town was founded in 1597 for Protestant refugees. "Germany" and "Hanau," The New Encyclopaedia Britannica (Chicago: Encyclopaedia Britannica, Inc., 1997), vol. 5, p 676 and vol. 20, p. 42.
2.Cardinal Richelieu became Prime Minister of France in 1624, during the reign of King Louis XIII. During the Thirty Years' War, Richelieu supported Protestant forces, even though France herself was a predominately Catholic country, against the armies of the Holy Roman Empire in order to reduce the power of the Austrian and Spanish Hapsburgs. "Cardinal de Richelieu," Great Lives from History: Renaissance to 1900 Series (Pasadena: Salem Press, 1989), vol. 4, p. 1968-72.
3.Duke Bernhard of Weimar was a general in the Swedish army. Upon the death of the Swedish king, Gustaphus Adolphus, Cardinal Richelieu hired him for the French army. Bernhard was a key player at the victory of Lützen in 1632 and the Rhineland campaigns of 1638. The New Cambridge Modern History: The Decline of Spain and the Thirty Years War (Cambridge: University Press, 1970), vol. 4, p. 333, 340, 346-7, 349.


Chap. XV: OF SIMPLICISSIMUS’ LIFE WITH THE TROOPERS, AND WHAT HE SAW AND LEARNED AMONG THE CROATS


Though ’tis true the Hanauers raised an alarm at once, sallied forth on horseback, and for a while detained the Croats and harassed them with skirmishing, yet could they get from them none of their booty; for being light troops, they escaped very cleverly, and took their way to Büdingen,1 where they baited, and delivered to the burghers there the rich Hanauer’s sons to put to ransom, and there sold their stolen horses and other wares. From thence they decamped again before it was even fully night, let alone day again, and rode hard through the Büdingen forest into the abbey lands of Fulda,2 and seized on the way all they could carry with them. For robbery and plunder hindered them not in the least in their swift march: like the devil, that can do mischief as he flies. And the same evening they arrived in the abbey-lands of Hirschfield,3where they had their quarters, with great store of plunder. And this was divided; but me their colonel Corpes took as his share. In the service of this master all appeared to me as unpleasing and wellnigh barbarous: the dainties of Hanau had changed into coarse black break and stringy beef, or by good luck a bit of stolen pork: wine and beer were now turned to water, and instead of a bed I must be content to lie by the horses in the straw. Instead of my promenades at Hanau, I must now ride on foraging parties, groom horses and clean out their stalls. Now this same foraging is neither more nor less than attacking of villages (with great pains and labour: yea, often with danger to life and limb), and there threshing, grinding, baking, stealing, and taking all that can be found; harrying and spoiling the farmers, and shaming of their maids, their wives, and their daughters. And if the poor peasants did murmur, or were bold enough to rap a forager or two over the fingers, finding them at such work (and at that time were many such guests in Hesse,) they were knocked on the head if they could be caught, or if not, their houses went up in smoke to heaven. Now my master had no wife (for campaigners of his kidney be not wont to take ladies with them), no page, no chamberlain, no cook, but on the other hand a whole troop of grooms and boys which waited both on him and his horse; nor was he himself ashamed to saddle his own horse or give him a feed: he slept ever on straw or on the bare ground, and covered himself with a fur coat. So it came about that one could often see great fleas or lice walk upon his clothes, of which he was not ashamed at all, but would laugh if any one picked one out. Short hair he had, but a broad Switzer’s beard, which served his turn well, for he was wont to disguise himself as a peasant and so to go a-spying. Yet though, as I have said, he kept no great household, yet was he by his own fold and others that knew him honoured, loved, and feared. Never were we at rest, but now here, now there: now we attacked and now we were attacked: never for a moment were we idle in damaging the Hessians’4 resources: nor on his part did Melander* leave us in peace: but cut off many a trooper and sent him prisoner to Cassel.5
This restless life was not to my liking, and often I did wish myself back in Hanau, yet in vain: my greatest torment was that I could not talk with the men, and must suffer myself to be kicked, plagued, beaten, and driven by each and all: and the chiefest pastime that my colonel had was that I should sing to him in German, and puff my cheeks like the other stable-lads, which ’tis true happened by seldom, yet then I got me such a shower of buffets that the red blood flowed, and I soon had enough. At last I began to do somewhat of cooking and to keep my master’s weapons clean, whereon he laid great stress: for I was as yet useless for foraging. And this answered so well that in the end I gained my master’s favour, insomuch that he had a new fool’s coat of calf-skins made for me, with much greater asses’ ears than I wore before. Now as my master’s palate was not delicate, I needed the less skill for my cookery: yet because I was too often without salt, grease, or seasoning, I wearied of this employ also, and therefore devised day and night how I might most cleverly escape—and that the more because ’twas now springtime. So to accomplish this I undertook the work of clearing away the guts of sheep and oxen, with heaps of which our quarters were surrounded, so that they should no longer cause so foul a smell: and this the colonel approved. And being busied with this, I stayed outside altogether, and when it was dark slipped away to the nearest wood.

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*Hessian General [Goodrick's note]
1.Büdingen is located in central Germany. "Germany," The New Encyclopaedia Britannica (Chicago: Encyclopaedia Britannica, Inc., 1997), vol. 20, p. 42.
2.Fulda is a town located in the German state of Hesse. It is on the Fulda River and west of the Rhön Mountains. "Germany," The New Encyclopaedia Britannica (Chicago: Encyclopaedia Britannica, Inc., 1997), vol. 20, p. 42.
3.Hirschfeld is a town in central Germany. "Germany," The New Encyclopaedia Britannica (Chicago: Encyclopaedia Britannica, Inc., 1997), vol. 20, p. 42.
4.Hessians are natives of Hesse, a region state located in south-western Germany. The term also refers to German mercenary soldiers. "Hessian," Webster's Third New International Dictionary of the English Language (Springfield: G & C Merriam Company, 1976), p. 1061.
5.Cassel, also spelled Kassel, is located in the German state of Hesse. The city is north of Fulda and was the capital of Hesse-Kassel from 1567 until 1866. In the 17th century the city was a place of safety for Huguenot refugees. "Germany" and "Kassel," The New Encyclopaedia Britannica (Chicago: Encyclopaedia Britannica, Inc., 1997), vol. 6, p. 758 and vol. 20, p. 42.


Chap. XVI: HOW SIMPLICISSIMUS FOUND GOODLY SPOILS, AND HOW HE BECAME A THIEVISH BROTHER OF THE WOODS


Yet to all appearance my condition grew worse and worse the further I went; yea, so grievous that I conceived I was born but for misfortune: for I was but a few miles distant from the Croats when I was caught by highwaymen, which, without doubt, thought they had captured in me somewhat of value, for by reason of the dark night they could not see my fool’s coat, and forthwith bade two of their number take me to their trysting-place in the forest. So when they had brought me thither, and ’twas still pitch-dark, one fellow would at once have money from me: to which end he laid aside his gauntlets and his fire-arms and began to search me, asking, “Who art thou? Hast thou money?”
Yet so soon as he was ware of my hairy clothing and the long asses’ ears on my cap, which he took for horns, and at the same time perceived the shining sparks which the hides of beasts do commonly shew when they are stroked in the dark, he was so terrified that he shrank into himself. That did I presently mark: so before he could recover himself or devise aught, I stroked down my hide with both hands to such good purpose that it glittered as if I had been stuffed full of burning sulphur, and then I answered him in a terrible voice, “I am the devil, and I will break thy neck and they fellow’s too.”

Which so terrified both that they fled through the thicket as swiftly as if the fires of hell were pursuing them; yea, though they dashed themselves against sticks and stones and trunks of trees, and yet more often tumbled, they were up again with all speed. So they went on till I could hear them no longer; while I laughed so loud that it echoed through the whole forest, which, without doubt, in that dark wilderness was horrible to hear.

Now when I would be gone I tripped over the musket; and that I took for myself, for already I had learned from the Croats how to manage fire-arms: then as I walked on I came upon a knapsack which, like my coat, was made of calf-skin: that too I took up, and found that a cartridge-pouch, well stored with powder and shot and all appurtenance, hung below it. All this I hung on me, took the musket on my shoulder like a soldier, and hid myself not far off in a thicket, intending to sleep there awhile; but at daybreak came the whole crew to the spot, searching for the musket that was lost and the knapsack: so I pricked up mine ears like a fox and kept still as a mouse; and when they found nothing they mocked at those two that had fled before me. “Shame,” said they, “ye craven fools: shame on your very heart that ye could so suffer yourselves to be frightened and chased, and have your arms taken by a single man.” Yet one fellow swore the devil should take him if ’twere not the devil himself: his horns and his hairy hide he had well perceived; and the other waxed angry and said, “It may have been the devil or his dam, if I had but my knapsack back again.” Then one of them whom I took to be their captain answered him; and says he, “What thinkest thou the devil should do with thy knapsack and thy musket? I would wager my neck the rascal that ye so shamefully let go hath taken both with him.” Yet another took the contrary part, and said it might well happen that some country men had since passed that way who had found the things and taken them: and in the end all approved of this, and ’twas believed by all the band they had had the devil himself in their hands, especially because the fellow that would search me in the darkness not only swore the same with horrid oaths, but also was able to powerfully describe and to magnify the rough and glittering skin and the two horns as certain signs of the devil’s quality. Nay, I do conceive that had I shewn myself again unawares the whole band would have run. So at last, when they had sought long enough and had found nothing, they went on their way again: but I opened the knapsack to make my breakfast thereof, and at the first trial I brought out a pouch in which were some 360 ducats.1 And that I rejoiced thereat none need question, yet may the reader be assured that the knapsack pleased me yet more than this fine some of money, since I found it well stored with provisions. And as such yellow-boys are far too sparsely strewn among common soldiers for them to take such with them on a raid, I judge that the fellow must have just snapped up these on that very excursion, and quickly whipped them into his knapsack that he might not be compelled to share them with the rest.

Thereupon I made a cheerful breakfast, and found too a merry little spring, at which I refreshed myself and counted my fine ducats. And if my life depended there-on, to say, in what land or place I then found myself, I could not tell. And first I stayed in the wood as long as my food lasted, with which I dealt right sparingly: then when my knapsack was empty, hunger drove me to the farmers’ houses. And there I crept by night into cellar and kitchen and took what food I found and could carry off; and this I conveyed away to the wildest part of the wood. And so I led a hermit’s life as before, save that I stole much and therefore prayed less, and had, moreover, no fixed abode, but wandered now, now there. ’Twas well for me indeed that it was now the beginning of summer, though I could kindle a fire with my musket whenever I would.


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1.Ducats were a type of gold currency formerly used in Europe. "Ducats," The American Heritage Dictionary (New York: Dell Publishing, 2001), ed. 4, p. 265.

Edited by Mary Beth Drake


Chap. XVII : HOW SIMPLICISSIMUS WAS PRESENT AT A DANCE OF WITCHES

During these my wanderings there met me once and again in the woods different country-folk, who at all times fled from me. I know not if the cause was that they were by reason of the war turned so timid and were so hunted, and never left in peace in one place, or whether the highwaymen had spread abroad in the land the adventure they had had with me, so that all which saw me thereafter believed the evil one was of a truth prowling about in that part. But for this reason I must needs fear lest my provisions should fail and so I be brought to the uttermost misery; for then must I begin again to eat roots and herbs, to which I was no longer accustomed. As I pondered on this I heard two men cutting of wood, which rejoiced me mightily. So I followed the sound of the blows, and when I came in sight of the men I took a handful of ducats out of my pouch and, creeping nearer to them, shewed them the alluring gold and cried, “My masters, if ye will but wait for me I will give you this handful of gold.” But as soon as they saw me and my gold, at once they took to their heels, and left their mallets and wedges together with their bag of bread and cheese; with this I filled my knapsack, and so betook myself back to the wood, doubting if in my life I should ever come to the company of men again. So after long pondering thereupon, I thought, “Who knoweth what may chance to thee? Thou hast money, and if thou comest in safety with it to honest folk, thou canst live on it a long while.” So it came into my head to sew it up; and to that end I made, out of my asses’ ears which made the folk so fly from me, two armlets, and companying my Hanau ducats with those of the banditti, I packed all together into these armlets and bound them on mine arms above the elbow. And now, as I had thus secured my treasure, I attacked the farms again, and got from them what I needed and what I could snap up. And though I was but simple, yet I was sly enough never to come a second time to a place where I had stolen anything; and therefore was I very lucky in my thefts and was never caught pilfering.

It fell out at the end of May, as I sought to replenish my store but my customary yet forbidden tricks, and to that end had crept into a farmyard, that I found my way into the kitchen, but soon perceived that there were people still awake (and here note that where dogs were I wisely stayed away) ; so I set the kitchen door, which opened into the yard, ajar, that if any danger threatened I could at once escape, and stayed still as a mouse till I might expect the people would go to bed. But meanwhile I took note of a crack that was in the kitchen-hatch that led to the living room; thither I crept to see if the folks would not soon go to rest; but my hopes were deceived, for they had but now put on their clothes, and in place of light there stood a sulphurous blue flame on a bench, by the light of which they anointed sticks, brooms, pitchforks, chairs, and benches, and on these flew out of the window one after another. At this I was horribly amazed, and felt great terror; yet as being accustomed to greater horrors, and, moreover, in my whole life having never heard nor read of witches, I thought not much of this, and that chiefly because ‘twas all done in such stillness; but when all were gone I betook myself also to the living-room, and devising what I could take with me and where to fine it, in such meditation sat me down straddle-wise upon a bench; whereon I had hardly sat down when I and the bench together flew straight out of the window, and left my gun and knapsack, which I had laid aside, as pay for that magical ointment. Now my sitting down, my departure, and my descent were all in one moment, for I came, methought, in a trice to a great crowd of people; but it may be that from fear I took no count how long I took for this journey. These folk were dancing of a wondrous dance, the like of which I never saw in my life, for they had taken hands and formed many rings within one another, with their backs turned to each other like the pictures of the Three Graces1 , so that all faced outwards. The inmost ring was of some seven or eight persons; the second of as many again: the third contained more than the first two put together, and so on, so that in the outermost ring there were over two hundred persons; and because one ring danced towards the right and the next towards the left, I could not see how many rings they formed, nor what was in the midst around which they danced. Yet all looked monstrous strange, because all the heads wound in and out so comically. My bench that brought me alighted beside the minstrels which stood outside the rings all around the dancers, of which minstrels some had, instead of flutes, clarinets, and shawms, nothing but adders, vipers and blind-worms, on which they blew right merrily: some had cats into whose breech they blew and fingered on the tail, which sounded like to bagpipes: others fiddled on horses’ skulls as on the finest violins, and others played the harp upon a cow’s skeleton such as lie in the slaughter-house yards: one was there, too, that had a bitch under his arm, on whose tail he fiddled and fingered on the teats; and throughout all the devils trumpeted with their noses till the whole wood resounded therewith: and when the dance was at an end, that whole hellish crew began to rave, to scream, to rage, to howl to rant, to ramp, and to roar as they were all mad and lunatic. And now can any man think into what terror and fear I fell.

In this tumult there came to me a fellow that had under his arm a monstrous toad, full as big as a kettle-drum, whose guts were dragged out through its breech and stuffed into its mouth, which looked so filthy that I was fit to vomit at it. “Lookye, Simplicissimus,” says he, “I know thou beest a good lute-player: let us hear a tune from thee.” But I was so terrified (because the rogue called me by name) that I fell flat: and with that terror I grew dumb, and fancied I lay in an evil dream, and earnestly I prayed in my heart I might awaken from it. Now the fellow with the toad, whom I stared at all the time, went on thrusting his nose out and in like a turkey-cock, till at last it hit me on the breast, so that I was near choked. Then in a wink ‘twas all pitch-dark, and I so dismayed at the heart that I fell on the ground and crossed myself a good hundred times or more.

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1.Three Graces, were minor goddesses of classical mythology, the personifications of beauty, charm, and grace. They were named Aglaea (splendour), Euphrosyne (gaiety), and thalia (festivity). The daughters of Zeus and Erynome, they are often seen in the company of Aphrodite and Cupid as creators of love. “Graces,” Cassell Dictionary of Classical Mythology (UK: Cassell, 1998), p. 173.


Chap. XVIII: DOTH PROVE THAT NO MAN CAN LAY TO SIMPLICISSIMUS’ CHARGE THAT HE DOTH DRAW THE LONG BOW

Now since there be some, and indeed some learned folk among them, that believe not that there be witches and sorcerers, still less that they can fly from place to place in the air, therefore am I sure there will be some to say that here the good Simplicissimus draws the long bow. With such I cannot argue; for since brag is become no longer an art, but nowadays wellnigh the commonest trade, I may not deny that I could practice this if I would; for an I could not, I were the veriest fool. But they that deny the witches’ gallop to be true, let them but think of Simon the Magician2 , which was by the evil spirit raised aloft into the air, and at the prayer of St. Peter fell again to earth. Nicolas Remigius, which was an honest, learned, and understanding man, who in the Duchy of Lorraine3 caused to be burned a good many more that a half-dozen of witches, tells us of John of Hembach, that his mother (which same was a witch) in the sixteenth year of his age took him with her to their assembly, that he might play to them as the danced—for he had learned to play the fife. That to that end he mounted on a tree, piped to them and earnestly gazed upon the dancers (and that maybe because he marveled so at it all). But at last, “God help us;” says he, “whence cometh all this mad and foolish folk?” And hardly had he said that word when down he fell from the tree, twisted his shoulder, and called for help. But there was nobody there but himself.

When this was noised abroad, most held it for a fable, till a little after Catherine Prevost was arrested for witchcraft, who had been at the dance: so she confessed all even as it had happened, save that she knew naught of the cry that Hembach had uttered. Majolus tells us of a servant that had been too common with his mistress, and of an adulterer that took his paramour’s ointment boxes and smeared himself with the same, and so both came to witches’ Sabbath. So likewise they tell of a farm servant that arose early to grease his waggon; but because he had taken the wrong pot of ointment in the dark, the waggon rose into the air and must be dragged down again. Olaus Magnus tells us of Hading, King of Denmark; how he, being driven from his kingdom by rebels, journeyed far over the sea through the air on the Spirit of Odin4 , which had turned himself to the shape of a horse. So do we know well enough, and too well, how wives and wenches in Bohemia5 will fetch their paramours to them, on the backs of goats, by night and from a great distance. And what Torquemada in his Haxameron relateth of his schoolfellow may in his own words be read. So, too, Ghirlandus speaketh of a nobleman which, when he marked that his wife anointed herself and thereafter flew out of the house, did once on a time compel her to take him with her to the sorcerers’ assembly. And when they feasted there, and there was no salt, he demanded such, and having with great pains gotten it, did cry, “God be praised, here cometh the salt!” Whereupon the lights went out and all vanished. So when now ‘twas day he understood from the shepherds in that place that he was near to the town of Benevento in the kingdom of Naple, and therefore full five hundred miles from home. And therefore, though he was rich, must beg his way home, whither when he came he delated his wife for a witch before the magistrate, and she was burned. How Doctor Faust, too, and others, which were no enchanters, could journey through the air from one place to another is from his history sufficiently known. So I myself knew a wife and a maid (both dead at this time of writing, but the maid’s father yet alive), which maid was once greasing of her mistress’s shoes by the fire, and when she had finished one and set it by to grease the other, lo; the greased one flew up the chimney: which story, nevertheless, was hushed up.

All this I have set down for this reason only, that men may believe that witches and wizards do in truth at certain seasons in their proper bodies journey to these their assemblies, and not to make any man to believe that I, as I have told you, went myself to such: for to me ‘tis all one whether a man believe me or not; and he that will not believe may devise for himself another way for me to have come from the lands of Fulda or Hirschfeld ( for I know not myself whither I had wandered in the woods) into the Archbishopric of Magdeburg, and that in so brief a space of time.

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2. Simon the Magician, known as Simon Magus is a subject of an episode in the first evangelization of Samaria. He is usually depicted as one who claims divine honors and sets up a rival religion to Christianity. There is an account of him in Acts, but the episode mentioned here is found in Arnobius, where Simon attempted to fly and at the name of Christ mentioned by Peter falls to his death. “Simon Magus,” Encyclopedia of Religion and Ethics ( Edinburgh: T&T Clark, 1926), vol. 2, p514-515, 523.
3.Alsace-Lorraine is a region in northeast France on the French-German boarder. It has long been very prized in wars between France and Germany. It was under German control until the mid 1500’s and then back and forth until both went to France after the world wars. “Alsace-Lorraine,” World Book Encyclopedia (Chicago: World Book, Inc, 1999), vol. 1, p. 387.
4.Odin was the most important of the Norse gods. He governs everything and is the father of all gods. He is also credited with the creation of the first human beings. Associated for his quest for wisdom and knowledge, he is often found engaged in a battle of wits. “Odin,” Cassell Dictionary of Norse Myth and Legend (UK: Cassell, 1997), p.122-124.
5.Bohemia is a region in the western part of the Czech Republic, whose capital is Prague. The revolt that started the Thirty Years War began here. There was huge conflict between the Protestant Bohemians and their Catholic rulers, which led to the Defenestration of Prague, when the Protestant rebels threw two of the Emperor’s officials out a window. “Bohemia” and “Thirty Years War,” World Book Encyclopedia (Chicago: World Book Inc, 1999), vol. 2, p. 432-38 and vol. 19, p. 260.


Chap. XIX : HOW SIMPLICISSIMUS BECAME A FOOL AGAIN AS HE HAD BEEN A FOOL BEFORE

So now I begin my history again with this: that I assure the reader that I lay on my belly till ‘twas at least broad daylight; as not having the heart to stand up: therewithal I doubted whether the things I have told of were a dream or not; and though I was yet in great terror, yet was I bold enough at my waking, for I deemed I could be in no worse place than in the wild woods; and therein I had spent the most of my time since I was separated from my dad, and therefore was pretty well accustomed thereto. Now it was about nine o’clock when there came foragers, which woke me up. And now for the first time I perceived I was in the open field. So they had me with them to certain windmills, and when they had ground their corn there, to the camp before Magdeburg, where I fell to the share of a colonel of a foot-regiment, who asked me what was my story and what manner of master I had served. So I told him all to a nicety, and because I had no name for the Croats, I did but describe their clothing and gave examples of their speech, and told how I escaped from them: yet of my ducats said I nought, and what I told of my journey through the air and of the witches’ dance, that they all held to be imagination and folly, and that especially because in the rest of my discourse I seemed to talk wildly. Meanwhile a crowd of folk gathered round me (for one fool makes a thousand), and among them was one that the year before had been made prisoner at Hanau and there had taken service, yet afterwards had come back to the Emperor’s army: who, knowing me again, said at once, “Hoho! ‘tis the commandant’s calf of Hanau.”

Thereupon the colonel questioned him further; but the fellow knew no more save that I could play the lute well, and that I had been captured outside the walls at Hanau by the Croats of Colonel Corpes’ regiment, and, moreover, that the said commandant had been vexed at losing me; for I was a right clever fool. So then the colonel’s wife sent to another colonel’s wife that could play well upon the lute, and therefore always had one by her, and begged her for the loan of it: which, when it came, she handed to me with the command that I should play. But my view was they should first give me to eat; for an empty stomach accorded not well with a fat one, such as the lute had. So this was done, and when I had eaten my fill and drunk a good draught of Zerbst beer, I let them hear what I could do both with my voice and with the lute: and therewithal I talked gibberish, all that first came into my head, so that I easily persuaded the folks to believe I was of the quality that my apparel represented. Then the colonel asked me whither I would go; and I answering ‘twas all one to me, we agreed thereupon that I should stay with him and be his page. Yet would he know where my asses’ ears had gone. “Yea,” said I to myself, “an thou knewest where they were: they would fit thee well enough.” Yet was I clever enough to say naught of their properties, for all my worldly goods lay in them.

Now in a brief space I was well known to all both in the Emperor’s and the Elector’s camp, but specially among the ladies, who would deck my hood, my sleeves, my short-cut ears with ribbons of all colours, so that I verily believe that certain fops copied therefrom the fashion of to-day. But all the money that was given me by the officers, that I liberally gave away and spent all to the last farthing, drinking it away with jolly companions in beer of Hamburg and Zerbst, which liquors pleased me well: and besides this, in all places wheresoever I came there was plenty of chance of spunging. But when my colonel procured for me a lute of my own ( for he trusted to have me ever with him), then I could no longer rove hither and thither in the two camps, but he appointed for me a governor who should look after me, and I to obey him. And this was a man after mine own heart, for he was quiet, discreet, learned, of sufficient conversation yet not too much, and (which was the chief matter), exceeding God-fearing, well read, and full of all arts and sciences. At night I must sleep in his tent, and by day I might not go out of his sight: he had once been a counselor and minister of a prince, and indeed a rich man; but being by the Swedes utterly ruined, his wife dead, and his only son unable to continue his studies for want of money, and therefore serving as a muster-roll clerk in the Saxon army, he took service with this my colonel, and was content to serve as lackey, to wait until the dangerous chances of war on the banks of the Elbe should change and so the sun of his former happiness again shine upon him.

Edited by : Jessica Otis

Chap. XX : IS PRETTY LONG, AND TREATS OF PLAYING WITH DICE AND WHAT HANGS THEREBY

Now because my governor was rather old than young, therefore could he not sleep all the night through: and that was the cause that he even in the first few weeks discovered my secret; namely, that I was no such fool as I gave out, of which he had before observed somewhat, and had conceived such a judgement from my face, for he was skilled in physiognomia1. Once I awoke at midnight, and having divers thoughts upon my life and its strange adventures, rose up, and by way of gratitude recounted all the benefits that God had done unto me, and all the dangers from which He had rescued me: then I lay down again with deep sighing and slept soundly till day.

All this my governor heard, yet made as if he were sound asleep; and this happened several nights running, until he had fully convinced himself I had more understanding than many an older man who fancied himself to be somewhat. Yet he spake thereof nought to me in our hut, because it had walls too thin, and because he for certain reasons would not have it that as yet (and before he was assured of my innocence) any one else should know this secret. Once on a time I went to take the air outside the camp, and this he gladly allowed, because he had then the opportunity to come to look for me, and so the occasion to speak with me alone. So as he wished, he found me in a lonely place, where indeed I was giving audience to my thoughts, and says he: "Good and dear friend, ‘tis because I seek for thy welfare that I rejoice to be able to speak with thee alone. I know thou art no fool as thou pretendest, and that thou hast no desire to continue in this miserable and despised state. If now thou holdest thy welfare dear and wilt trust to me as to a man of honour, and so canst tell me plainly the condition of thy fortunes, so will I for my part, whenever I can, be ready with word and deed to help thee out of this fool’s coat."

So thereupon I fell upon his neck, and so carried myself as he had been a prophet to release me from my fool’s cap: and sitting both down upon the ground, I told him my whole story. Then he examined my hands, and wondered both at the strange events which had befallen me and those which were to come: yet would in no wise counsel me to lay aside my fool’s coat in haste, for he said that by means of palmistry he could see that my fate threatened me with imprisonment which should bring me danger of life and limb. So I thanked him for his good will and his counsel, and asked of God that He would reward him for his good faith, and of himself that he would be and ever remain my true friend and father.

So we rose up and came to the gaming-place, where men tilt with the dice, and loudly they cursed with all the blood and thunder, wounds and damnation that they could lay their tongues to. The place was wellnigh as big as the Old Market at Cologne, spread with cloaks and furnished with tables, and those full of gamesters: and every company had its four-cornered thieves’ bones, on which they hazarded their luck; for share their money they must, and give it to one and take it from another. So likewise every cloak or table had its coupier (croupier I should have said, and might well have said *"crooperer"), whose office ‘twas to be judges and to see that none was cheated; they too lent the cloaks and tables and dice, and contrived so well to get their hire out of the winnings that they generally got the chief share: yet it bred them no advantage, for commonly they gamed it away again, or when it was best laid out, ‘twas the sutler2 or the barber-surgeon that had it - for there were many broken heads to mend.

At these fools one might well wonder, how they all thought to win, which was impossible, even if they had played at another’s** risk: and though all hoped for this, yet the cry was, the more players the more skill; for each thought on his own luck; and so it happened that some hit and some missed, some won and some lost. Thereupon some cursed, some roared; some cheated and others were jockeyed - wherat the winners laughed and the losers gnashed their teeth: some sold their clothes and all they valued most, and others again won even that money from them: some wanted honest dice, and others, on the contrary part, would have false ones, and brought in such secretly, which again others threw away, broke in two, bit with their teeth, and tore the croupiers’ cloaks. Among the false dice were Dutch ones, that one must cast with a good spin; for these had the sides, whereon the fives and sixes were, as sharp as the back of the wooden horse on which soldiers be punished: others were High German, to which a man must in casting give the Bavarian swing. Some were of stag’s horn, light above and heavy below. Others were loaded with quicksilver or lead, and others, again, with split hairs, sponge, chaff, and charcoal: some had sharp corners, others had them pared quite away: some were long like logs and some broad like tortoises. All which kings were made but for cheating: and what they were made for, that they did, whether they were thrown with a swing or trickled on to the board, and no coupling of them was to any avail; to say nothing of those that had two fives or two sixes, or on the other hand, two aces or two deuces. With these thieves’ bones they stole, filched, and plundered each other’s goods, which they themselves perchance had stolen, or at least with danger to life and limb, or other grievous trouble and labour, had won.

So as I stood there and looked upon the gaming-place and the gamesters in their folly, my governor asked me how the thing pleased me. Then answered I: "That men can so grievously curse God pleases me not: but for the rest, I leave it for what ‘tis worth as a matter unknown to me, and of which I as yet understand nought." "Know then," said my governor, "that this is the worst and vilest place in the whole camp, for here men seek one another’s money and lose their own in doing so. And whoso doth but set a foot here, with intent to play, hath already broken the tenth commandment, which saith, ‘Thou shalt not covet thy neighbour’s goods.’" And says he, "An thou play and win, specially by deceit and false dice, then thou transgressest the seventh and eighth commandments. Yea, it may well happen that thou committest murder on him from whom thou hast won his money, as, for example, if his loss is so great that by reason of it he come into poverty and into utter need and recklessness, or else fall into other foul vices: nor will this plea help thee, that thou sayest, ‘I did risk mine own and won honestly.’ Thou rogue, thou camest to the gaming-place with this intent, to grow rich through another’s loss. And if thou lose, thou art not excused with the punishment of losing thine own, but, like the rich man in the parable, thou must answer it sorely to God that thou so uselessly hast squandered that which He lent thee for the support of thee and thine. Whosoever goeth to the gaming-place to play, the same committeth himself to the danger of losing therin, not only his money, but his body and his life also yea, what is most terrible of all, there can he lose his own soul. I tell thee this as news, my friend Simplicissimus (because thou sayest gaming is unknown to thee), that thou mayest be on thy guard against it all thy life long." So I answered him: "Dear sir," said I, "if gaming be so terrible and dangerous a thing, wherefore do our superiors allow it?" My governor answered: "I will not say ‘twas because our officers themselves take part therein, but for this reason, that the soldiers will not - yea, cannot - do without it; for whosoever hath once given himself over to gaming, or whomsoever the habit or, rather, the devil of play hath seized upon, the same is by little and little (whether he win or lose) so set upon it that he can easier do without his natural sleep than that: as we see that some will rattle the dice the whole night through and will neglect the best of food and drink if they can but play - yea, even if they must go home shirtless. Yet this gaming hath already been forbidden at divers times on pain of loss of life and limb, and at the command of headquarters hath been punished with an iron hand, through the means of provost-marshals, hangmen, and their satellites - openly and violently. Yet ‘twas all in vain; for the gamesters betook themselves to secret corners and behind hedges, won each other’s money, quarreled, and brake each others’ necks thereupon: so that to prevent such murders and homicides, and specially because many would game away their arms and horse, yea, even their poor rations of food, therefore now ‘tis not only publicly allowed, but this particular place is appointed therefore, that the mainguard may be at hand to prevent any harm that might happen: yet they cannot always hinder that one or the other fall not dead on the spot. And inasmuch as this gaming is the tormenting devil’s own device, and bringeth him no small gain, therefore hath he ordained especial gaming-devils, that prowl around the world and have naught else to do but to tempt men to play. To these divers wanton companions bind themselves by certain pacts and agreements, that the devil may suffer them to win: yet can a man among ten thousand gamesters scarce find a rich one: nay, on the contrary part, they are poor and needy because their winnings are lightly esteemed, and therefore either gambled away again or wasted in vile pleasure. Hence is derived that true yet sad saying, ‘The devil never leaveth the gamester, yet leaveth him ever poor,’ for he taketh from them goods, courage, and honour, and then quitteth them no more (except God’s infinite mercy save them) till he have made an end of their souls. Yea, and should there be a gamester of so merry a heart by nature and so sprightly that by no ill-luck or loss he can be brought to despair, to recklessness, and all the accursed sins that spring therefrom, then doth the sly and cunning fiend suffer him to win mightily, that in the end he may, by waste and pride and gluttony and drunkenness and loose life, bring him into his net." Thereat I crossed myself and blessed myself to think that in a Christian army such things should be allowed which the devil himself invented, and specially because visibly and palpably such damage and harm for this world and the next followed therefrom. Yet my governor said all that he had told me was as yet nought; for he who would undertake to describe all the harm that came from gaming would begin an impossible task. For as men say, so soon as the hazard is thrown ‘tis now in the devil’s hands, so should I fancy that with every die, as it rolled from the player’s hand upon cloak or table, there ran a little devil, to guide it and make it shew as many points as his master’s interest demanded. And further, I should reflect that ‘twas not for nought that the devil entered into the game so heartily, but doubtless because he contrived to make fine gains out of it himself. "And with that note thou further," says he, "That just as there are wont to stand by the gaming-place certain chafferers3 and Jews, which buy from the players at cheap rate what they have won, as rings, apparel or jewels, or are ready to change such for money for them to game away, so also there be devils walking to and fro, that they may arouse and foster thoughts that may destroy the souls in the gamesters that have cease to play, be they winners or losers. For the winners the devil will build terrible castles in the air; but into them that have lost, whose spirit is already quite distraught and therefore the more apt to receive his harmful counsels, he instilleth, doubtless, such thoughts and designs as can but tend to their eternal ruin. Yea, I assure thee, Simplicissimus, I am of the mind to write a book hereupon so soon as I can come in peace to my own again. And in that I will describe firs the loss of precious time, which is squandered to no purpose in gaming, and no less the fearful curses with which men blaspheme God over their gaming-tables. Then will I likewise recount the taunts with which men provoke one another, and will adduce many fearful examples and stories which have happened in, during, and after play: and there will I not forget the duels and homicides that have happened by reason of gaming. Yea, I will portray in their true colours set before men’s eyes the greed, the rage, the envy, the jealousy, the falsehood, the deceit, the covetousness, the thievery, and, in a word all the senseless follies both of dicers and of card-players; that they who read this book but once, may conceive such a horror of gaming as if they had drunk sows’ milk (which folk are wont to give to gamesters without their knowledge, to cure their madness). So will I shew to all Christendom that the dear God is more blasphemed by a single regiment of gamesters than by a whole army with their curses." And this project I praised, and wish him the opportunity to carry it out.


Chap. XXI: IS SOMEWHAT SHORTER AND MORE ENTERTAINING THAN THE LAST

Now my governor grew more and more kindly disposed to me, and I to him, yet kept we our friendship very secret: ‘tis true I acted still as a fool, yet I played no bawdy tricks or buffooneries, so that my carriage and conduct were indeed simple enough yet rather witty than witless. My colonel, who had a mighty liking for the chase, took me with him once when he went out to catch partridges with the draw-net, which invention pleased my hugely. But because the dog we had was so hot that he would spring for the birds before we could pull the strings, and so we could catch but little, wherefore I counseled the colonel to couple the bitch with a falcon or an osprey (as men do with horses and asses when they would have mules), that the young puppies might have wings, and so could with them catch the birds in the air. I proposed also, since it went right sleepily with the conquest of Magdeburg,4 which we then besieged, to make ready a long rope as thick as a wine-cask, and encompassing the whole town therewith, to harness thereto all the men and all the cattle in the two camps, and so in one day pull the whole city head over heels. Of such foolish quips and fantasies I devised every day an abundance, for ‘twas my trade, and none ever found my workshop empty. And for this my master’s secretary, which was an evil customer and a hardened rogue, gave me matter enough, whereby I was kept on the road which fools be wont to walk: for whatsoever this mocker told me, that I not only believed myself but told it to others, whenas I conversed with them, and the discourse turned on that subject.

So when I asked him once what our regimental chaplain was, since he was distinguished from other folk by his apparel, "that," says he, "is master Dicis et non facis, which is, being interpreted into German, a fellow that gives wives to others and takes none himself. He is the bitter enemy of thieves because they say not what they do, but he doth not what he says: likewise the thieves love him not because they be commonly hanged even then when their acquaintance with him is at its best." So when I afterwards addressed the good priest by that name, he was laughed at and I was held to be a rogue as well as a fool, and at his request well basted. Further, the secretary persuaded me they had pulled down and set fire all the houses behind the walls of Prague, that the sparks and ashes might sow all over the world the seeds of evil weeds: so, too, he said that among soldiers no brave heroes and hearty fighters ever went to heaven, but only simple creatures, malingerers, and the like, that were content with their pay: likewise no elegant a la mode cavaliers, and sprightly ladies, but only patient Jobs, henpecked husbands, tedious monks, melancholy parsons, devout women, and all manner of outcasts which in this world are good neither to bake nor to boil, and young children. He told me too a lying story of how hosts were called innkeepers only because in their business they endeavoured to keep in with both God and the devil. And of war he told me that at times garden bullets were used, and the more precious such were, the more damage they did. "Yea," said he, "and a whole army with artillery, ammunition and baggage-train can be so led by a golden chain." Further, he persuaded me that of women more than half wore breeches, though one could not see them, and that many, though they were no enchantresses and no goddesses as was Diana, yet could conjure bigger horns on to their husbands’ heads than ever Actaeon5 wore. In all which I believed him: so great a fool was I.

On the other hand, my governor, when he was alone with me, entertained me with far different discourse. Moreover, he brought me to known his son, who, as before mentioned, was a muster-clerk in the Saxon army, and was a man of far different quality to my colonel’s secretary: for which reason my colonel not only liked him well, but thought to get him from his captain and make him his regimental secretary, on which post his own secretary before mentioned had set his mind also. With this muster-clerk, whose name, like his father’s, was Ulrich Herzbruder, I struck up such a friendship that we swore eternal brotherhood, in virtue of which we would never desert each other in weal or woe, in joy or sorrow; and because this was without his father’s knowledge, therefore we held more stoutly and stiffly to our vow. By this was it made our chiefest care how I might be honourably freed from my cool’s coat, and how we might honestly serve one another; all which however the old Herzbruder, whom I honored and looked to as my father, approved not, but said in so many words that if I was in haste to change my estate, such change would bring me grievous imprisonment and great danger to life and limb. And because he foretold for himself also and his son a great disgrace close at hand, he deemed, therefore, that he had reason to act more prudently and warily than to interfere in the affairs of a person whose great approaching danger he could foresee: for he was fearful he might be a sharer in my future ill luck if I declared myself, because he had long ago found out my secret and knew me inside and out, yet he never revealed my true condition to the colonel. And soon after I perceived yet better that my colonel’s secretary envied my new brother desperately, as thinking he might be raised over his head to the post of regimental secretary; for I saw how at times he fretted, how ill will preyed upon him, and how he was always sighing and in deep thought whenever he looked upon the old or the young Herzbruder. Therefrom I judged he was making of calculations how he might trip and throw him. So I told to my brother, both from my faithful love to him and also as my certain duty, what I suspected, that he might a little be on his guard against this Judas. But he did but take it with a shrug, as being more than enough superior the secretary both with sword and pen, and besides enjoying the colonel’s great favour and grace.


Chap. XXII : A RASCALLY TRICK TO STEP INTO ANOTHER MAN’S SHOES

Tis commonly the custom in war to make provosts of old tried soldiers, and so it came about that we had in our regiment such a one, and to boot such a perfected rogue and villain that it might well be said of him he had seen enough and more than enough. For he was a fully qualified sorcerer, necromancer and wizard, and in his own person not only as wound-proof as steel, but could make others wound-proof also, yea, and conjure whole squadrons of cavalry into the field: his countenance was exactly like what our painters and poets would have Saturn to be, save that he had neither stilts nor scythe. And though the poor soldier prisoners that came into his merciless hands, held themselves the more unlucky because of this his character, and his ever-abiding presence, yet were there folk that gladly consorted with this spoil-sport, specially Oliver, our secretary. And the more his envy of young Herzbruder increased - who was ever of a lively humour - the thicker grew the intimacy between him and the provost: whence I could easily calculate that the conjunction of Saturn and Mercury boded no good to the honest Herzbruder. Just then my colonel’s lady was rejoiced at the coming of a young son, and the christening feast spread in well-night princely fashion: at which young Herzbruder was brought to wait at table. Which, when he of his courtesy willingly did, he gave the longed-for opportunity to Oliver to bring into the world the piece of roguery of which he had long been in labour. For when all was over my colonel’s great silver-gilt cup was missing; and this loss he made the more ado about because ‘twas still there after all stranger guests had departed: ‘tis true a page said he had last seen it in Oliver’s hands, but would not swear to it. Upon that the Provost was fetched to give his counsel in the matter and ‘twas said aside to him that if he by his arts could discover the thief, they would so carry the matter that that thief should be known to none save the colonel: for officers of his own regiment had been present whom, even if one of them had forgotten himself in such a matter, he would not willingly bring to shame.

So as we all knew ourselves to be innocent, we came merrily enough into the colonel’s great tent, and there the sorcerer took charge of the matter. At that each looked on his neighbor, and desired to know how ‘twould end and whence the lost cup would reappear. And no sooner had the rogue mumbled some words than there sprang out of each man’s breeches, sleeves, boots and pockets, and all other openings in their clothes, one, two, three, or more young puppies. And these sniffed round and round in the tent, and pretty beasts they were, of all manner of colours, and each with some special ornament, so that ‘twas a right merry sight. As to me, my tight Croat breeches were so full of puppies that I must pull them off, and because my shirt had long before rotted away in the forest, there I must stand naked. Last of all one sprang out of the young Herzbruder’s pocket, the nimblest of all, and had on golden a collar. This one swallowed all the other puppies, though there were so many a-sprawling in the tent that one could not put his foot down by reason of them. And when it had destroyed all, it became smaller and smaller and the golden collar larger, till at last it turned into my colonel’s cup.

Thereupon not only the colonel but all that were present must perforce believe that none other but young Herzbruder could have stolen the cup: so said the colonel to him: "Look ye, unthankful guest, have I deserved this, with my kindnesses to thee, this theft, which I had never believed of thee? For see: I had intended to-morrow to make thee my secretary; but thou hast this very day deserved rather that I should have thee hanged; and that I would forthwith have done had I not had a care of thy honourable and ancient father. Now quick;" said he, "out of my camp, and so long as thou livest let me not see thee more."

So poor Ulrich would defend himself: yet would none listen to him, for his offence was plain: and when he departed, good old Herzbruder must needs fall in a swoon; and there must all come to succour him, and the colonel himself to comfort him, which said, "a pious father was not to answer for this sinful son." Thus, by the help of the devil did Oliver attain to that whereto he had long hoped to come, but could not in any honourable fashion do so.


**********

1. The art of discovering temperament, and other characteristic qualities of the mind, by the outward appearance, especially by the features of the face. Neufeldt, Victoria, ed. Third college Edition Webster's New World Dictionary of American English (Cleveland: Webster's New World, 1988), p. 1019. See also the prologue of Chaucer's Canterbury Tales for other examples of physiognomy.
* It is difficult to translate the German expression. Probably this word, meaning a maritime trader in illicit wars, represents it best. [Goodrick's note.]
2.A person following an army to sell food, liquor, etc. to its soldiers. Neufeldt, Victoria, ed. Third college Edition Webster's New World Dictionary of American English (Cleveland: Webster's New World, 1988), p. 1349.
** Obscure lines: many of the expressions in this chapter are now inexplicable. [Goodrick's note.]
3. Noun form of chaffere: to deal, exchange or barter. Wright, Thomas, ed. Dictionary of Obsolete and Provincial English (New York Street, Covent Garden: Harry G. Bohn, 1857), vol. 1, p. 296.
4. The capital of Saxony-Anhalt, in central Germany, on the Elbe River. During the Thirty Years War the imperial forces laid siege to Magdeburg in 1629 and again in 1631. Under the command of Johann von Tilly, imperial forces captured and sacked Madgeburg, killing over 2/3 of the population. "Madgeburg," The New Encyclopedia Brittanica (Chicago: Encyclopedia Britannica, Inc,1997), vol. 7, p. 668.
5. A Greek figure in mythology, Actaeon was a hunter who saw Artemis bathing in the woods. As punishment for looking upon her, she turned him into a stag, whereupon his own dogs attacked and killed him. Hamilton, Edith. Mythology (New York: Penguin Books USA, Inc, 1940) p. 255-6.


Edited by Charles King


Chap. XXIII : HOW ULRICH HERZBRUDER SOLD HIMSELF FOR A HUNDRED DUCATS


Now as soon as young Hurzbruder’s captain heard this story he took from him his office and made a pikeman of him; from which time forward he was so despised that any dog might bark at him, and he himself wished for death; and his father was so vexed at the thing that he fell into a sore sickness and looked to die. And whereas he had himself prophesied that on the twenty-sixth day of July he should run risk of life and limb (which day was now close at hand), therefore he begged of the colonel that his son might come to him once more, that he might talk with him of inheritance and declare his last will. At this meeting I was not shut out, but made the third party in their grief. Then I saw that the son needed no defence as far as his father was concerned, who knew his ways and his good upbringing, and therefore was assured of his innocence. He, as a wise, understanding, and deep-witted man, judged easily from the circumstances that Oliver has laid this trap for his son through the provost: but what could he do against a sorcerer, from whom he had worse to expect if he attempted any revenge? Besides, he looked but for death, yet could not die content because he must leave his son in such disgrace: in which plight the son desired not to live, but rather wished he might die before his father. And truly the grief of these two was so piteous to behold that I from my heart must weep. At last ‘twas their common resolve to commit their cause to God in patience, and the son was to devise ways and means to be quit of his regiment, and seek his fortune elsewhere: but when they examined the matter, they had no money with which he might buy himself out of the service; and while they considered and lamented the miserable state in which their poverty kept them fast, and cut off all hope of improving of their present condition, I then first remembered my ducats 1 that I had sewn up in my ass’s ears, and so asked how much money they wanted in their need. So young Herzbruder answered, “If there came one and brought us a hundred thalers, I could trust to be free from all my troubles.” I answered him, “Brother, if that will help thee, have a good heart; for I can give thee a hundred ducats.” “Alas, brother,” says he, “ what is this thou sayest? Beest thou in truth a fool, or so wanton that thou makest jest upon us in our sore affliction?” “Nay, nay,” said I, “I will provide the money.” So, I stripped off my coat and took one of the asses’ ears from my arm, and opened it and bade him count out a hundred ducats and take them: the rest I kept and said, “Herewith will I lend thy sick father if he need it.”
Thereupon the both fell on my neck and kissed me, and knew not for very joy what they did; then they would give me an acknowledgment and therein assure me I should be the old Herzbruder’s co-heir together with his son, or that, if God should help them to their own again, they would return me the same with interest and with great thanks: of all which I would have nothing , but only commended myself to their perpetual friendship. After that young Herzbruder would have sworn to be revenged on Oliver or to die. But his father forbade it, and prophesied that he that should slay Oliver would meet his end at that hands of me, Simplicissimus. “Yet,” said he, “I am well assured that ye two will never slay each other; for neither of you shall perish in fight.” Thereafter he pressed upon us that we should swear on oath to love one another till death and stand by each other in all straits.
But young Herzbruder bought his freedom for thirty-six thalers(for which his captain gave him an honourable discharge), and betook himself with the rest of the money, a good opportunity offering, to Hamburg, and there equipped himself with two horses and enlisted in the Swedish army as a volunteer trooper, commending his father to me in the meanwhile.

Chap. XXIV: HOW TWO PROPHECIES WERE FULFILLED AT ONCE


Now none of my colonel’s people shewed himself better fitted to wait on old Herzbruder in his sickness than I: and inasmuch as the sick man was also more than content with me, this office was entrusted to me by the colonel’s wife, who shewed him much kindness; and by reason of good nursing, and being relieved in respect to his son, he grew better from day to day, so that before July the twenty-sixth he was almost restored to full health. Yet would he stay in bed and give himself out to be sick till the said day, which he plainly dreaded, should be past. Meanwhile all manner of officers from both armies came to visit him, to know their future fortune, bad or good; for because he was a good calculator and caster of horoscopes, and besides that an excellent physiognomist and palmist, his prophecies seldom failed: yea, he named the very day on which the Battle of Wittstock afterwards befel, since many came to him to whom he foretold a violent death on that day.
My colonel’s wife he assured she would end her lying-in in the camp, for before her six weeks were ended Magdeburg would not be surrendered; and to the traitorous Oliver, who was ever troublesome with his visits, he foretold that he must die a violent death, and that I should avenge that death, happen it when it would, and slay his murderer: for which cause Oliver thereafter held me in high esteem. But to me myself he described the whole course of my life to come as particularly as if it were already ended and he had been by my side throughout; which at the time I esteemed but lightly, yet afterwards remembered many things which he had beforetime told me of, when they had already happened or had turned out true: but most of all did he warn me to beware of water, for he feared I might find my destruction therein.
When now the twenty-sixth of July came, he charged me and also the orderly whom the colonel at his desire had appointed him for that day, most straitly, we should suffer no one to enter the tent: there he lay and prayed without ceasing: but as ‘twas near to the afternoon there came a lieutenant riding from the cavalry quarters and asking for the colonel’s master of the horse. So he was directed to us and forthwith by us denied entrance: yet would he not be denied, but begged the orderly (with promises intermixed) to admit him to see the master of the horse, as one with whom he must that very evening talk. When that availed not, he began to curse, to talk of blood and thunder, and to say he had many times ridden over to see the old man and had never found him: now that he had found him at home, should he not have the honour of speaking a single word with him? So he dismounted, and nothing could prevent him from unfastening the tent himself; and as he did that I bit his hand, and got for my pains a hearty buffet. So as soon as he saw mine old friend, “ I ask his honour’s pardon,” says he, “for the freedom I have taken, to speak word with him.” “’Tis well,” says Herzbruder, “wherein can I pleasure his honour?” “Only in this,” says the lieutenant, “that I could beg of his honour that he would condescend upon the casting of my nativity.” Then the old man answered: “I hope the honourable gentleman will forgive me that I cannot, by reason of my sickness, do his pleasure herein: for whereas this task needs much reckoning, my poor head cannot accomplish it; but if he will be content to wait till to-morrow, I hope to give him full satisfaction.” “Very well,” says the lieutenant, “but in the meantime let your honour tell my fortune by my hand.” “Sir,” said old Herzbruder, “that art is uncertain and deceiving; and so I beg your worship to spare me in that matter: to-morrow I will do all that your worship asks of me.” Yet the lieutenant could not be so put off, but he goes to the bed, holds his hand before the old man’s eyes, and says he, “Good sir, I beg but for a couple of words concerning my life’s end, with the assurance that if they be evil I will accept the saying as a warning from God to order my life better; and so for God’s sake I beg you not to conceal the truth.” Then the honest old man answered him in a word, and says he, “’Tis well: then let the gentleman be on his guard, lest he be hanged before an hour be past.” “What, thou old rogue,” quoth the lieutenant, which was as drunk as a fly, “durst thou hold such language to a gentleman?” and drew his sword and stabbed my good old friend to death as he lay in his bed. The orderly and I cried, “Murder,” so that all ran to arms: but the lieutenant was so speedy in his departure that without doubt he would have escaped, but that the Elector of Saxony 2with his staff at that very moment rode up, and had him arrested. So when he understood the business he turned to Count Hatzfeld, our general, and all he said was this: “’Twould be bad discipline in an imperial camp that even a sick man in his bed were not safe from murderers.”
That was a sharp sentence, and enough to cost the lieutenant his life: for forthwith our general caused him to be hanged by his precious neck till he was dead.

Chap. XXV : HOW SIMPLICISSIMUS WAS TRANSFORMED FROM A BOY INTO A GIRL AND FELL INTO DIVERS ADVENTURES OF LOVE


From this veracious history it may be seen that all prophecies are not to be despised, as some foolish folk despise them, that will believe nothing. And so can any one conclude from this that it is hard for any man to avoid his predestined end, whether his mishap be predicted to him long before or shortly before by such prophecies as I have spoken of. And to the question, whether ‘tis necessary, helpful and good for a man to have his fortune foretold and his nativity cast, I answer only this, that old Herzbruder told me much that I often wished and still wish he had told me nothing of at all: for the misfortunes which he foretold I have never been able to shun, and those that still await me do turn my hair grey, and that to no purpose, because it matters not whether I torment myself or not: they will happen to me as did the rest. But as to strokes of good luck that are prophesied to any man, of them I hold that they by ever deceitful, or at least be not so fully accomplished as the unlucky prophecies. For how did it help me that old Herzbruder swore by all that was holy I was born and bred of noble parents, since I knew of none but my dad and my mammy, which were but common peasants in the Spessart? In like manner, how did it help Wallenstein 3, the Duke of Friedland, that ‘twas prophesied to him he should once be crowned king with stringed music thereto? Doth not the whole world know how he was lulled to his ruin at Eger? Others may worry their brains over such questions: but I must to my story.
So when I had lost my two Herzbruders in the manner before described, I took disgust at the whole camp before Magdeburg, which otherwise I had been wont to call a town of flax and straw within earthen walls. For not I was as tired of mine office of a fool as I had had to eat it up with iron spoons: this only I was resolved on: to suffer no man to fool me more, but to be rid of my jester’s garb should it cost me life and limb. And that design I carried but scurvily, for otherwise I had no opportunity.
For Oliver the secretary, which after the old Herzbruder’s death was appointed to be my governor, often gave me permission to ride with the peasants a-foraging: so as we came once on a time to a great village, wherein was plunder very fit for the troopers’ purpose, and as each went to and fro into the houses to find what could be carried off, I stole away, and searched to find some old peasant’s clothing for which I could exchange my fool’s cap: yet I found not what I desired but must be content with a women’s clothing: that I put on, seeing myself alone, and threw mine own away into a corner, imagining now nothing else but that I was delivered from all mine afflictions. In this dress I walked across the street, where were certain officers’ wives, and made such mincing steps as perhaps Achilles did when his mother brought him disguised as a maiden to consort with Lycomedes his daughter4: yet was I hardly outside the house when some foragers caught sight of me, and taught me to run faster: for when they cried “Halt, halt;” I ran the quicker, and before they could overtake me I came to the said officers’ ladies, and falling on my knees before them, besought them, in the name of all womanly honour and virtue, they should protect me from those rascals. And this my prayer not only found a good reception, but I was hired by the wife of a captain of horse, whom I served until Magdeburg and the fort at Werben and Havelberg and Perleberg were all taken by our people.
The captain’s wife was no baby, but yet young, and came so to dote on my smooth face and straight limbs that at length, after long trouble and vain circumlocutions, she gave me to understand in all too plain German where the shoe pinched. But at that time I was far too conscientious, and pretended I understood not, nor would I show any outward indication by which any man might judge me to be aught but a virtuous maiden. Now the captain and his servant lay sick in that same hospital, so he bade his wife to have me better clothed that she might not be put to shame by my miserable peasant’s kirtle 5. So that she did and more than she was bidden; for she dressed me up like a French doll, and that did but fan the fire wherewith all three were a-burning: yea, and it waxed so that master and man begged me that which I could not grant them, and that which I refused to the lady, though with all manner of courtesy. At last the captain determined to take an opportunity to get by force from me that which ‘twas impossible he should have: but that his wife marked, and being in hopes to overcome my resistance in the end, blocked all the ways and laid all manner of obstacles in the path, so that he thought he must in the end go mad or lunatick. Once on a time when my master and mistress were asleep, the servant came to the carriage in which I had to sleep every night, bemoaned his love for me with hot tears, and begged most solemnly for grace and mercy. But I shewed myself harder than any stone, and gave him to understand I would keep my chastity till I was married. Then he offered me marriage a thousand times over, yet all he could get from me was an assurance ‘twas impossible for me to marry him. Whereupon he became desperate or pretended it, and drawing his sword, set the point at his breast and the hilt against the carriage, and acted just as if he would stab himself. So I thought, the devil is a rogue, and therefore spoke him fair and comforted him, saying I would next morning give him a certain answer: with that he was content and went to bed, but I stayed awake the longer because I reflected on my strange condition: for I could see that in the end my trick must be discovered, for the captain’s wife became more and more importunate with her enticements, the captain more impudent in his designs, and the servant more desperate in his constant love: and out of such a labyrinth I would see no escape. Yet if the lady left me in peace, the captain tormented me, and when I had peace from both of them at night, then the servant beset me, so that my women’s clothes were worse to wear than my fool’s cap. Then indeed (but far too late) I thought of the departed Herzbruder’s prophecy and warning, and could imagine nothing else but that I was already fast in the prison he spoke of and in danger of life and limb. For the women’s apparel kept me imprisoned, since I could not get out of it, and the captain would have handled me roughly if he had once found out who I was, and had caught me at the toilet with his fair wife. What should I do? I resolved at length the same night to reveal myself to the servant as soon as ‘twas day, for I thought, “his desires will then cease, and if thou art free with thy ducats to him he will help thee to man’s clothes again and so out of all thy straits.” Which was all well devised enough if luck would have had it so: but that was against me. For my friend Hans took day to begin just after midnight, and came to get his “Yes” from me, and began to hammer on the carriage-cover even then when I was soundest asleep, calling out a little too loud, “Sabina, Sabina, oh my beloved, rise up and keep your promise to me,” and so waked the captain before me, who had his tent close by the carriage. And now he saw green and yellow before his eyes, for jealousy had already got a hold of him: yet he came not out to disturb us, but only got up, to see how the thing would end. At last the servant woke me with his importunities, and would force me either to come out of the carriage to him or to let him in to me, but I rebuked him and asked did he take me for a whore? My promise of yesterday was on the condition of marriage, without which he should have nought to do with me. He answered I must in any case rise, for it began to grow light, to prepare the food for the family in good time: then he would fetch wood and water and light the fire for me. “Well,” said I, “if thou wilt do that I can sleep the longer: only go away and I will soon follow.” Yet as the fool would not give over, I got up, more to do my work than to pleasure him, for methought his desperate madness of yesterday had left him. I should say that I would pass pretty well for a maid-servant in the field, for with the Croats I had learned how to boil, bake, and wash: as for spinning, soldiers’ wives do it not on a campaign. All other women’s work which I could not do, such as brushing and braiding my hair, my mistress gladly forgave me, for she well knew I had never learned it.
But as I came out of the coach with my sleeves turned up, my Hans was so inflamed by the sight of my white arms that he could not refrain himself, but must kiss me; and I not greatly resisting that, the captain, before whose eyes this took place, could bear it no longer, but sprang with drawn sword out of the tent to give my poor lover a thrust: but he ran off and forgot to come back; so says the captain to me, “Thou whore in grain,” says he, “I will teach thee...” and more he could not say for very rage, but struck me as if he were mad. But I beginning to cry out, he must needs stop lest he should alarm the camp: for both armies, Saxon and Imperialist, lay close together expecting the approach of the Swedes under Baner.

Chap. XXVI : HOW HE WAS IMPRISONED FOR A TRAITOR AND ENCHANTER


As soon as it was day my master handed me over to the horse-boys, even as both armies were striking their tents: these were a pack of rascals, and therefore was the baiting which I must endure the greater and more dreadful: for they hastened with me to a thicket the better to satisfy their bestial desires, as is the custom of these devils’ children when a woman is given over to them: and there followed them many fellows looking on at their scurvy tricks, and among them my Hans, who let me not out of his sight, and when he saw ‘twould go ill with me would rescue me by force, even should it cost him his head: who found backers enough when he said I was his betrothed wife; and they, shewing pity for him and me, were ready to help. But that the boys, who thought they had a better right to me, and would not let such a good prize go, would not have, and went about to repel force with force. So blows beginning to be dealt on both sides, the crowd and the noise became greater and great till it seemed almost like a tournament in which each did his best for a fair lady’s sake. All this terrible hubbub drew the Provost-general to the spot, who came even then when my clothing had been torn from my body and ‘twas plain that I was no woman: his coming made all quiet as mice, for he was feared far more than the devil himself; and those that had been at fisticuffs scattered. But he briefly inquired of the matter, and whereas I hoped he would save me, on the contrary he arrested me, because it was a strange and suspicious thing for a man to be found in an army in women’s clothes. Accordingly, he and his men walked off with me to the regiments (which were all afoot and ready to march), with intent to deliver me to the Judge-Advocate-General, or Quartermaster-General: but when we were about to pass my colonel’s regiment, I was known and accosted and furnished by my colonel with some poor clothes, and so given in custody to our old provost, who put me in irons hand and foot.
It was mighty hard work for me so to march in fetters, and the old curmudgeon would have properly plagued me had not the secretary Oliver paid for me; for I would not let my ducats, which I had thus far kept, see the light, for I should at the same time have lost them and also have fallen into greater danger. The said Oliver informed me the same evening why I was kept in such close custody, and the regimental sheriff received orders at once to examine me, that my deposition might the sooner be laid before the Judge-Advocate-General, for they counted me not only a spy, but also one that could use witchcraft; for shortly after I left my colonel certain witches were burnt who confessed before their death that they had seen me at their General Assembly, when they met together to dry up the Elbe, that Magdeburg might be taken the sooner. So the points on which I was to give an answer were these, (1) Whether I had not been a student, or at least could read and write? (2) Why I had come to the camp at Magdeburg, disguised as a fool, whereas in the captain’s service I had been as sane as I was now? (3) Why I had disguised myself in women’s apparel? (4) Whether I had not been at the witches’ dance with other sorcerers? (5) Where I was born and who my parents were? (6) Where I had sojourned before I came to the camp before Magdeburg? and (7) Where and to what end I had learned women’s work such as washing, baking, cooking, and also lute-playing? Thereupon I would have told my whole story, that the circumstances of my strange adventure might explain all; but the judge was not curious, only weary and peevish after his long march: so he desired only a round answer for each question; and that I answered in the following words, out of which no one could yet learn aught that was exact or precise, as thus: (1) I had not been a student, but could read and write German. (2) I had been forced to wear a fool’s coat because I had no other. (3) Because I was weary of the fool’s coat and could come at no men’s clothes. (4) I answered yes; but had gone against my will and knew naught of witchcraft. (5) I was born in the Spessart and my parents were peasants. (6) With the Governor of Hanau and with a colonel of Croats, Corpes by name. (7) Among the Croats I had been forced against my will to learn cooking and the like: but lute-playing at Hanau because I had a liking thereto. So when my deposition was written out, “How canst thou deny,” says he, “and say thou hast not studied, seeing that when thou didst pass for a fool, and the priest in the mass said ‘Domine non sum dignus,’ thou didst answer in Latin that he need not say that, for all knew it.”
“ Sir,” said I, “others taught me that and persuaded me ‘twas a prayer that one must use at mass when our chaplain was saying it.” “Yes, yes,” said he, “I see thou art the very kind of fellow whose tongue must be loosed by the torture.” Whereat I thought, “God help thee if thy tongue follow thy foolish head!”
Early next morning came orders from the Judge-Advocate-General to our provost that he should keep me well in charge; for he was minded as soon as the armies halted to examine me himself: in which case I must without doubt to the torture, had not God ordered it otherwise. In my bonds I thought ever of my pastor at Hanau and old Herzbruder that was dead, how both had foretold how it would fare with me if I were rid of my fool’s coat again.

********

1. A ducat is a gold coin, used in areas throughout Europe in different forms up to the present day. The name derives from the inscription on the original ducat, produced by Roger II of Sicily. The inscription read, "Sit tibi, Christi, datus, quem tu regis, iste ducatus" ("Lord, thou rulest this duchy, to thee be it dedicated"). "ducat," The Oxford English Dictionary (Oxford: Clarendon Press, 1989), Volume 4, p. 1098 and "ducat," Encyclopedia Britannica (New York City: Encyclopœdia Britannica Co., 1910), Volume 8, p. 629.
2. Elector of Saxony was a title for the Duke of Saxony, one of the seven "elector" posts for the selection of the Holy Roman emperor. His dominion of Saxony, wherein he was effectively the supreme sovereign, was located near the Elbe River, in northwest Germany. "elector" and "Saxony," Encyclopedia Britannica (Chicago: Encyclopœdia Britannica Inc., 1997), Volume 4, p. 331 and Volume 10, p. 491.
3. Albrecht von Wallenstein (1583- 1634) was a Bohemian statesman, who was enlisted to lead the Holy Roman Empire's forces in part of the Thirty Years' War. At the end of the war, having fallen out of favor with the emperor over issues of deception and disloyalty, Wallenstein headed for Eger to plot with Swedes and Saxons. While camped there, he and his men were murdered by English, Scotish and Irish troops. "Wallenstein, Albrecht Wenzel Eusebius von," Encyclopedia Britannica (Chicago: Encyclopœdia Britannica Inc., 1997), Volume 12, p. 470- 471.
4. In Greek mythology, Thetis, mother of the hero Achilles, made him to dress as a woman and hide among the ladies at the court of King Lycomedes to avoid being drafted into the Trojan War. While in hiding at the court, Achilles and Lycomedes daughter secretly became intimate. Edith Hamilton, Mythology: Timeless Tales of Gods and Heroes (New York City: Penguin Books USA, 1969), p. 181.
5. A kirtle is a tunic, usually going down to the knee, often worn over a shirt and under a mantle of some sort. "kirtle," The Oxford English Dictionary (Oxford: Clarendon Press, 1989), Volume 8, p. 461.


Chap. XXVII: HOW THE PROVOST1 FARED IN THE BATTLE OF WITTSTOCK


The same evening, and when we had hardly as yet pitched our tents, I was brought to the Judge-Advocate-General,2 who had before him my deposition and also writing materials; and he began to examine me more closely. But I, on the other part, told my story even as it had happened to me, yet was not believed, not could the judge be sure whether he had a fool or a hard-bitten knave before him, so pat did question and answer fall and so strange was the whole history. He bade me take a pen and write, to see what I could do, and moreover to see if my handwriting was known, or if it had any marks in it that a man could recognise. I took pen and paper as handily as one that had been daily used to employ the same, and asked what I should write. The Judge-Advocate-General, who was perhaps vexed because my examination had prolonged itself far into the night, answered me thus: AWhat!" says he, Awrite down .Thy mother the whore.»

«Those words I did write down, and when they were read out they did but make my case worse,* for the Advocate-General said he was now well assured that I was a rogue. Then he asked the provost, had they searched me and found any writings upon me? The provost answered him no; for how could they search a man that had been brought to them naked? But it availed nought! The provost must search me in the presence of all, and as he did that diligently (O ill-luck!) There he found my two asses» ears with the ducats in them bound round my arms. Then said they: AWhat need we any further witness? This traitor hath without doubt undertaken some great plot, for why else should any honest man disguise himself in a fool»s raiment, or a man conceal himself in women»s garments? And how could any suppose that a man would carry on him so great a quantity of money, unless it were that he intended to do some great deed therewith?” For said they, did he not himself confess he had learned lute-playing under the cunningest soldier in the world, the commandant of Hanau? AGentlemen,» says they, Awhat think you he did not learn among those sharp-witted Hessians? The shortest way is to have him to the torture and then to the stake: seeing he hath in any case been in the company of sorcerers and therefore deserveth no better.»

How I felt at that time any man can judge for himself; for I knew I was innocent and had strong trust in God: yet I could see my danger and lamented the loss of my fair ducats, which Judge-Advocate-General had put in his own pocket. But before they could proceed to extremities with me Baner»s3 folk fell upon ours: at the first the two armies fought for the best position, and then secondly for the heavy artillery, which our people lost forthwith. Our provost kept pretty far behind the line of battle with his helpers and his prisoners, yet were we so close to our brigade that we could tell each man by his clothing from behind; and when a Swedish squadron attacked ours we were in danger of our lives as much as the fighters, for in a moment the air was so full of singing bullets that it seemed a volley had been fired in our honour. At that the timid ducked their heads, as they would have crept into themselves: but hey that had courage and had been present at such sport before let the balls pass over their heads quite unconcerned. In the fighting itself every man sought to prevent his own death with the cutting down of the nearest that encountered him: and the terrible noise of the guns, the rattle of the harness, the crash of the pikes, and the cries both of the wounded and the attackers made up, together with the trumpets, drums and fifes, a horrible music. There could one see nought but thick smoke and dust, which seemed as it would conceal the fearful sight of the wounded and dead: in the midst of it could be heard the pitiful outcries of the dying and the cheers of them that were yet full of spirit: the very horses seemed as if they were more and more vigorous to defend their masters, so furious did they shew themselves in the performance of that duty which they were compelled to do. Some of them one could see falling dead under their masters, full of wounds which they had undeservedly received for the reward of their faithful services: others for the same cause fell upon their riders, and thus in their death had the honour of being borne by those they had in life been forced to bear: others, again, being rid of the valiant burden that had guided them, fled from mankind in their fury and madness, and sought again their first freedom in the open field. The earth, whose custom it is to cover the dead, was there itself covered with them, and those variously distinguished: for here lay heads that had lost their natural owners, and there bodies that lacked their heads: some had their bowels hanging out in most ghastly and pitiful fashion, and others had their heads cleft and their brains scattered: there one could see how lifeless bodies were deprived of their blood while the living were covered with the blood of others; here lay arms shot off, on which the fingers still moved, as if they would yet be fighting; and elsewhere rascals were in full flight that had shed no drop of blood: there lay severed legs, which though delivered from the burden of the body, yet were far heavier than they had been before: there could one see crippled soldiers begging for death, and on the contrary others beseeching quarter and the sparing of their lives. In a word, twas naught but a miserable and pitiful sight. The Swedish conquerors drove our people from their position, which they had defended with such ill luck, and were scattered everywhere in pursuit. At which turn of things my provost, with us his prisoners, also took to flight, though we had deserved no enmity from the conquerors by reason of our resistance: but while the provost was threatening of us with death and so compelling us to go with him, young Herzbruder galloped up with five other horsemen and saluted him with a pistol and, ALookye, old dog,» says he, Ais it the time now to breed young puppies? Now will I pay thee for thy pains.»

But the shot harmed the provost little as if it had struck an anvil. So ABeest thou of that kidney,- said Herzbruder, Ayet I will not have come to do thee a courtesy in vain: die thou must even if thy soul were grown into thy body.» And with that he compelled a musqueteer of the provost»s own guard, if he would himself have quarter, to cut him down with an axe. And so that provost got his reward: but I being known by Herzbruder, he bade them free me from my fetters and bonds, set me on a horse, and charged his servant to bring me to a place of safety.


Chap. XXVIII: OF A GREAT BATTLE WHEREIN THE CONQUEROR IS CAPTURED IN THE HOUR OF TRIUMPH


But even then, while my rescuer»s servant conveyed me out of danger, his own master was, by reason of his greed of honour and of gain, carried so far afield that he in his turn was taken prisoner. So when the conquerors were dividing of the spoil and burying their dead, and Herzbruder was a-missing, his captain received as his inheritance me with his servant and his horses: whereby I must submit to be ranked as a horse-boy, and in exchange for that received nought, save only these promises: namely, that if carried myself well and could grow a little older, he would mount me: that is, make a trooper of me: and with that I must be content.

But presently thereafter my captain was appointed lieutenant-colonel, and I discharged the same office for him that David did for Saul, for when we were in quarters I played the lute for him, and when we were on the march I must wear his cuirass after him, which was a sore burden to me; and although these arms were devised to protect their wearers against the buffets of the enemy, I found it the contrary, for mine own young which I hatched pursued me with the more security under the protection of those same arms: under the breastplate they had their free quarters, pastime, and playground, so that it seemed I wore the harness not for my protection but for theirs, for I could not reach them with my arms and could do no harm among them.** I busied myself with the planning of all manner of campaigns against them, to destroy this invincible Armada: yet had I neither the time nor opportunity to drive them out by fire, (as is done in ovens) nor by water, nor by poison B less had I the opportunity to drive them by a change of raiment or a clean shirt, but must carry them with me, and give them my body and blood to feed upon. And when they so tormented and bit me under the harness, I whipped out a pistol as if I would exchange shots with them: yet did only take out the ramrod and therewith drive them from their banquet. At last I discovered a plan, to wind a bit of fur round the ramrod and so make a pretty bird-lime for them: and when I could be at them under the harness with this louse-angler, I fished them out in dozens from their dens, and murdered them: but it availed me little.

Now it happened that my lieutenant-colonel was ordered to make an expedition into Westphalia with a strong detachment; and if he had been as strong in cavalry as I was in my private garrison he would have terrified the whole world: but as >twas not so he must needs go warily, and for that reason also hide in the Gemmer Mark (a wood so called between Soest and Ham). Now even then I had come to a crisis with my friends: for they tormented me so with their excavations that I feared they might effect a lodgment between flesh and skin. Let no man wonder that the Brasilians do devour their lice, for mere rage and revenge, because they so torment them. At last I could bear my torment no longer, but when the troopers were busy B some feeding, some sleeping, and some keeping guard B I crept a little aside under a tree to wage war with mine enemies: to that end I took off mine armour (though others be wont to put it on when they fight) and began such a killing and murdering that my two swords, which were my thumbnails, dripped with blood and hung full of dead bodies, or rather empty skins: and all such as I could not slay I banished forthwith, and suffered them to take their walks under that same tree.

Now whenever this encounter comes into my remembrance forthwith my skin doth prick me everywhere, as if I were but now in the midst of the battle."Tis true I doubted for a while whether I should so revenge myself on mine own blood, and specially against such true servants that would suffer themselves to be hanged with me B yea, and broken on the wheel with me, and on whom, by reason of their numbers, I had often lain softly in the open air on the hardest of earth. But I went on so furiously in my tyrannical ways that I did not even mark how the Imperialists were at blows with my lieutenant-colonel, till at last they came to me, terrified my poor lice, and took me myself prisoner. Nor had they any respect for my manhood, by the power of which I had just before slain my thousands, and even surpassed the fame of the tailor that killed Aseven at a blow.» I fell to the share of a dragoon,4 and the best booty he got from me was my lieutenant-colonel»s cuirass, and that he sold at a fair price to the commandant as Soest, where he was quartered. So he was in the course of this war my sixth master: for I must serve him as his foot-boy.


Chap. XXIX: HOW A NOTABLY PIOUS SOLDIER FARED IN PARADISE, AND HOW THE HUNTSMAN FILLED HIS PLACE

Now unless our hostess had been content to have herself and her whole house possessed by my army, twas certain she must be rid of them. And that she did, short and sharp, for she put my rags into the oven and burned them out as clean as an old tobacco-pipe, so that I lived again as twere in a rose-garden freed from my vermin: yea, and none can believe how good it was for me to be free from that torment wherein I had sat for months as in an ant»s nest. But in recompense for that I had a new plague to encounter: namely, that my new master was one of those strange soldiers that do think to get to heaven: he was contented with his pay and never harmed a child. His whole fortune consisted in what he could earn by standing sentry and what he could save from his weekly pay; and that, poor as it was, he valued above all the pearls of the Orient: each sixpence he got he sewed into his breeches, and that he might have more of such sixpences I and his horse must starve: I must break my teeth upon dry Pumpernickel, and nourish myself with water, or at best with small beer, and that was a poor affair for me B inasmuch as my throat was raw from the dry black bread and my whole body wasted away. If I would eat I must needs steal, and even that of means be brought to book. As for him, gallows and torture, headsmen and their helpers B yea, and surgeons too B were but superfluous. Settlers and hawkers too must soon have beat a retreat from him: for his thoughts were far from eating and drinking, gaming and quarrelling: but when he was ordered out for a convoy or an expedition of any sort where pay was, there he would loiter and dawdle away his time. Yea, I believe truly if this good old dragoon had not possessed these soldierly virtues of loitering, he would never have got me: for in that case he would have followed my lieutenant-colonel at the double. I could count on no cast clothes from him: for he himself went in such rags as did beforetime my hermit in the woods. His whole harness and saddle were scarce worth three-halfpence, and his horse so staggering for hunger that neither Swede nor Hessian needed to fear his attack.

All these fair qualities did move his captain to send him to Paradise B which was a monastery so called B on protection-duty: not indeed as if he were of much avail for that purpose, but that he might grow fat and buy himself a new nag: and most of all because the nuns had asked for a pious and conscientious and peaceable fellow for their guard. And so he rode thither and I behind him: for he had but one horse: and AZounds;» says he, ASimbrecht; (for he could never frame to pronounce my name aright) when we come to Paradise we will take our fill.» And I answered him: AYes,» said I, Athe name is a good omen: God grant it that the place be like its name!» "AYes, yes,» says he, for he understood me not, Aif we can get two ohms of the good Westphalian beer every day we shall not fare ill. Look to thyself: for I will now have a fine new cloak made, and thou canst have the old one:>twill make a brave new coat for thee.»

Well might he call it the old one: for I believe it could well remember the Battle of Pavia,*** so weather-beaten and shabby was it: and with the giving of it he did me but little kindness.

Paradise we found as we would have it and still better: in place of angels we found fair maidens, who so entertained us with food and drink that presently I came again to my former fatness: the strongest beer we had, the best Westphalian hams and smoked sausages and savoury and delicate meat, boiled in salt water and eaten cold. There too I learned to spread black bread a finger thick with salt butter, and put cheese on that so that it might slip down better: and when I could have a knuckle of mutton garnished with garlic and a good tankard of beer beside it, then would I refresh body and soul and forget all my past sufferings. In a word, this Paradise pleased me as much as if it had been the true Paradise: no other care had I except that I knew twould not always last, and I must fare forth again in my rags.

But even as misfortune ever came to me in abundance when it once began to pursue me, so now it seemed to me that good fortune would run it hard: for when my master would send me to Soest to fetch his baggage thence, I found on the road a pack, and in the same some ells of scarlet cloth cut for a cloak, and red silk also for the lining. That I took with me, and at Soest I exchanged it with a clothier for common green woollen cloth fit for a coat and trappings, with the condition he should make such a coat and provide me also with a new hat: and inasmuch as I grievously needed also a new pair of shoes and a shirt, I gave the huckster the silver buttons and the lace that belonged to the cloak, for which he procured for me all that I wanted, and turned me out brand-new. So I returned to Paradise to my master, who was mightily incensed that I had not brought my findings to him: yea, he talked of trouncings, and for a trifle, an he had not been shamed and had the coat fitted him, would have stript it off me for to wear it himself. But to my thinking I had done a good piece of trading.

But now must the miserly fellow be ashamed that his lad went better clothed than he: therefore, he rides to Soest, borrows money from his captain and equips himself in the finest style, with the promise to repay all out of his weekly protection-pay: and that he carefully did. He had indeed himself means to pay that and more also, but was too sly to touch his stores: for had he done that his malingering was at an end, wherein he hoped to abide softly that winter through, and some other naked fellow had been put in his place: but now the captain must perforce leave him where he lay, or he would not recover his money he had lent. Thenceforward we lived the laziest life in the world, wherein skittles was our chief exercise: when I had groomed my dragoon»s horse, fed and given him to drink, then I played the gentleman and went a-walking.

The convent was safeguarded also by our opponents the Hessians with a musqueteer from Lippstadt: the same was by trade a furrier, and for that reason not only a master-singer but also a first-rate fencer, and lest he should forget his art he daily exercised himself with me in all weapons, in which I became so expert that I was not afraid to challenge him whenever he would. My old dragoon, in place of fencing with him, would play at skittles, and that for no other wager but who should drink most beer at dinner: and so whoever lost the convent paid.

This convent had its own game-preserves and therefore its own huntsman, and inasmuch as I also was clad in green I joined myself to him, and from him in that autumn and winter I learned all his arts, and especially all that concerns catching of small game. For that cause, and because also the name Simplicissimus was somewhat uncommon and for the common folk easily forgotten or hard to pronounce, every one called me the Alittle huntsman»: and meanwhile I learned to know every way and path, and that knowledge I made good use of thereafter. But when by reason of ill weather I could not take my walks abroad in the wood, then I read all manner of books which the bailiff of the convent lent me. And so soon as the good nuns knew that, besides my good voice, I could also play a little on the lute and the harpsichord, then did they give more heed to me, and because there was added to these qualities a prettily proportioned body and a handsome face enough, therefore they deemed all my manners and customs, my doings and my ways, to be the ways of nobility: and so became I all unexpectedly a much-loved gentleman, of whom one could but wonder that he should serve so scurvy a dragoon.

But when I had spent the winter in the midst of such pleasures, my master was discharged: which vexed him so much (by reason of the good living he was to lose) that he fell sick, and inasmuch as that was aggravated by a violent fever (and likewise the old wounds that he had got in the wars in his lifetime helped the mischief), he had but short shrift, for in three weeks I had somewhat to bury, but this epitaph I wrote for him:

"Old Miserly lies here, a soldier brave and good,

Who all his lifetime through shed ne er a drop of blood.»

By right and custom the captain could take and inherit the man»s horse and musquet and the general all else that he left: but since I was a lively, well-set-up lad, and gave hopes that in time I should not fear any man, it was offered me to take all, if only I would take the place of my dead master. And that I undertook the more readily because I knew my master had left a pretty number of ducats sewn into his old breeches, which he had raked together in his lifetime: an when in the process of things I must give in my name B namely, Simplicius Simplicissimus B and the muster-clerk (which was named Cyriack) could not write it down aright, says he, AThere is no devil in hell with such a name.» Thereon I asked him quickly, AWas there one there named Cyriack?» and clever as he thought himself, that he would not answer: and that pleased my captain so that from thenceforward he thought well of me.

**********

1. Provost - the keeper of a prison. (The American Heritage Dictionary of the English Language, 3rd ed. Boston: Houghton Mifflin Company, 1996.)

2. Judge-Advocate-General (JAG) - the chief legal officer of a branch of the U.S. armed forces. (The American Heritage Dictionary of the English Language, 3rd ed. Boston: Houghton Mifflin Company, 1996.)

* He wrote the words down as he was told as if they meant the judge's mother. (Goodrick-s note)

3. Banér, Johan , 1596–1641, Swedish field marshal in the Thirty Years War. He served (1626–29) in Poland and Russia and accompanied (1630) Gustavus II of Sweden to Germany. At Gustavus's death (1632) and the major Swedish defeat at Nördlingen, he became the chief Swedish general in Germany. Banér reestablished Sweden's military prestige at Wittstock (1636), where he defeated the Saxon and imperial forces. After recovering (1638) Pomerania and Mecklenburg and winning (1639) a victory over the Saxons at Chemnitz, he penetrated (1639) into Bohemia but was forced to retreat.

** The cuirass would be well lined to prevent chafing. (Goodrick-s note)

4. dragoon - a heavily armed trooper in some European armies in the 17th and 18th centuries. (The American Heritage Dictionary of the English Language, 3rd ed. Boston: Houghton Mifflin Company, 1996.)

*** Some 120 years before. (Goodrick»s note)

Edited by Allison Fraser


Chap. XXX : HOW THE HUNTSMAN CARRIED HIMSELF WHEN HE BEGAN TO LEARN THE TRADE OF WAR: WHEREFROM A YOUNG SOLDIER MAY LEARN SOMEWHAT

Now the commandant in Soest 1needed a lad in his stables, of the kind that I seemed to him to be, and for that reason he was not well pleased that I had turned soldier, but would try to have me yet: to that end he made a pretence of my youth and that I could not yet pass for a man: and having set this forth to my master, he sends to me and says he, “Harkye, little huntsman, thou shalt be my servant.” So I asked what would my duties be: to which he answered I should help to tend his horses. “No, sir,” quoth I, “we are not for one another: I would rather have a master in whose service the horses should tend me: but seeing that I can find none such, I will sooner remain a soldier.” “Thy beard,” says he, “is yet too small.” “No, no,” said I, “I will wager I can encounter any man of eighty years: a beard never yet killed a man, or goats would be in high esteem.” “Oho!” says he, “if thy courage be as high as thy wit, I will let thee pass for a soldier.” I answered, “That can be tried upon the next occasion,” and therewithal gave him to understand I would not be used as a groom. So he left me as I was, and said the proof of the pudding was in the eating.

So now I betook myself to my old dragoon’s old breeches, and having dissected them, I recovered out of their entrails a good soldier’s horse and the best musquet I could find: and all must for me be as bright as looking glass. Then I bought a new suit of green clothes: for the name of the “huntsman” suited well with my fancy: and my old suit I gave to my lad; for ‘twas too small for me. And so I could ride on mine own account like a young nobleman, and thought no small beer of myself. Yea, I made so bold as to deck my hat with a great plume like an officer: and with that I raised up for myself enviers and mislikers: and betwixt them and me were presently hot words and at last even buffets. Yet hardly had I proved to one or two that same science which I had learned in Paradise of the good furrier, when behold, not only would all leave me in peace but would have my friendship moreover. Besides all this, I was ever ready to give my service for all expeditions on foot or on horseback: for I was a good rider and quicker on foot than most, and when it came to dealing with the enemy I must charge forward as for mere pleasure and ever be in the front rank. So was I in brief time known both among friend and foes, and so famous that both parties thought much of me, seeing that the most dangerous attacks were entrusted to me to carry out, and to that end whole detachments put under my command. And now I began to steal like any Bohemian, and if I made any capture of value, I would give my officers so rich a share thereof that ‘twas allowed me to play my tricks on forbidden ground, for whatever I did was supported. General Count Götz 2 had left remaining in Westphalia three enemy’s garrisons– to wit, in Dorsten, in Lippstadt, and in Coesfield: and all these three I mightily plagued! For I was before their gates, now here, now there, one day here and one day there, no less, and snapped up many a good prize, and because I ever escaped the folk came to believe of me I could make myself invisible and was as proof as iron or steel. So now was I feared like the plague itself, so that thirty men of the enemy would not be shamed to flee before me if they did but know I was in their neighborhood with fifteen. And at last it came to this: that when a contribution must be levied from a place, I was the man for that: and my plunder from that became as great as my fame. Mine officers and comrades loved their little huntsman: the chief partisans of the opposite side were terrified, and by fear and love I kept the countrymen on my side: for I knew how to punish my opposers, and them that did me the smallest service richly to repay: insomuch that I spent wellnigh the half of my booty in paying of my spies. And for that reason there went no reconnaissance, no convoy, no expedition out from the adversary whose departure was not made known to me: whereupon I laid my plans and founded my projects, and because I commonly brought the same to good effect by the help of good luck, all were astonished: and that chiefly at my youthful age: so that even many officers and good soldiers of the other party much desired to see me. To this must be added that I ever shewed myself courteous to my prisoners, so that they often cost me more than my booty was worth, and whensoever I could shew a courtesy to any of the adversary, and specially to any officer, without injury to my duty and my allegiance to my master, I neglected it not. And by such behaviour I had surely been presently forwarded to the rank of officer, had not my youth hindered that: for whosoever, at the age wherein I was then, would be an ensign, must be of noble birth: besides, my captain could not promote me; for there were no vacancies in his own company and he would not let me go to another: for so he would have lost in me a milch-cow and more too. So must I be and remain a corporal. Yet this honour, which I had gained over the heads of old soldiers, though ‘twas but a small thing, yet this and the praise which daily I received were to me as spurs to urge me on to better things. And day and night I dreamed only of fresh plans to make myself greater: nay, I could not sleep by reason of such foolish phantasies. And because I saw that I wanted an opportunity to shew the courage which I felt in me, it vexed me that I could not every day have the chance to meet the adversary in arms and try the result. So then I wished the Trojan war back again, or such a siege as was at Ostende,* and fool as I was, I never thought that a pitcher goes to the well until it breaks: and that also is true of a young soldier and a foolish, when he hath but money and luck and courage: thereupon follow haughtiness and pride: and by reason of that pride I hired, in place of one footboy, two serving-men, whom I equipped well and horsed them well, and so gained the envy of all the officers.

Chap. XXXI: HOW THE DEVIL STOLE THE PARSON’S BACON AND HOW THE HUNTSMAN CAUGHT HIMSELF

Now must I tell you a story or two of things that happened to me before I left the dragoons 3 : and though they are trifling, yet are they amusing to be heard: for I undertook not only great things, but despised not also small affairs, if only I could be assured that thereby I should get reputation among the people.

Now my captain was ordered, with fifty odd men on foot, to Schloss Recklinghausen, and there to carry out a certain design: and as we thought that before the plan could be carried out we had best hide ourselves a day or two in the woods, each took with him provision for a week. But inasmuch as the rich convoy we waited for came not at the appointed time, our food gave out: and we dared not to steal, for so had we betrayed ourselves and caused our plan to come to nothing: and so hunger pressed us sore: moreover, I had in that quarter no good friends (as elsewhere) to bring me and my men food in secret. And therefore must we devise other means to line our bellies if we would not go home empty. My comrade, a journeyman Latinist 4 who had but lately run from school and enlisted, sighed in vain for the barley soup which beforetime his parents had served up for his delight, and which he had despised and left untasted: and as he thought on those meals of old, so he remembered his school satchel, beside which he had eaten them.
“ Ah, brother;” says he to me, “is’t not a shame that I have not learned arts enough to fill my belly now. Brother, I know, re vera, if I could but get to the parson in that village, ‘twould provide me with an excellent convivium.” So I pondered on that word awhile and considered our condition, and because they that knew the country might not leave the ambush (for they had surely been recognised) while those that were unknown to the people knew of no chance to steal or buy in secret, I founded my plan on our student and laid the thing before our captain. And though ‘twas dangerous for him also, yet was his trust in me so great, and our plight so evil, that he consented. So I changed clothes with another man, and with my student I shogged off to the said village and that by a wide circuit, though it lay but half an hour from us: and coming thither we forthwith knew the house next to the church to be the priest’s abode; for ‘twas built town- fashion and abutted on the wall that surrounded the whole glebe. Now I had already taught my comrade what he should say: for he had yet his worn-out old student’s cloak on him: but I gave myself out for a journeyman painter, as thinking I could not well be called upon to exercise that art in the village; for farmers do not often have their houses decorated.

The good divine was civil, and when my comrade had made him a deep Latin reverence and told lies in great abundance to him, as how soldiers had plundered him on his road and robbed him of all his journey-money, he offered him a piece of bread and butter and a draught of beer. But I made as though I belonged not to him, and said I would eat a snack in the inn and then call for him, that we might ere the day was spent come somewhat further on our way together. And to the inn I went, yet more to espy what I could fetch away that night than to appease mine hunger, and had also the luck on the way to find a peasant plastering up of his oven, in which he had great loaves of rye bread, that should sit there and bake for four-and-twenty hours. With the innkeeper I did little business: for now I knew where bread was to be had: yet bought a few loaves of white bread for our captain, and when I came to the parsonage to warn my comrade to go, he had already had his fill, and had told the priest I was a painter and was minded to journey to Holland, there to perfect my art. So the good man bade me welcome and begged me to go into the church with him, for he would shew me some pieces there that needed repair. And not to spoil the play, I must follow. So he took me through the kitchen, and as he opened the lock in the strong oaken door that led to the churchyard, O mirum! There I saw that the black heaven above was dark with lutes, flutes, and fiddles, meaning the hams, smoked sausages, and sides of bacon that hung in the chimney; at which I looked with content, for it seemed as if they smiled at me, and I wished, but in vain, to have them for my comrades in the wood: yet they were so obstinate as to hang where they were. Then pondered I upon the means how I could couple them with the said oven full of bread, yet could not easily devise such, for, as aforesaid, the parson’s yard was walled round and all windows sufficiently guarded with iron bars. Furthermore there lay two monstrous great dogs in the courtyard which, as I feared, would of a surety not sleep by night if any would steal that whereon ‘twas the reward of their faithful guardianship to feed by day. So now when we came into the church and talked of the pictures, and the priest would hire me to mend this and that, and I sought for excuses and pleaded my journey, says the sacristan or bellringer, “Fellow,” says he, “I take thee rather for a runaway soldier than a painter.” To such rough talk I was no longer used, yet must put up with it: still I shook my head a little and answered him, “Fellow, give me but a brush and colours, and in a wink I will have thee painted for the fool thou art.” Whereat the priest laughed, yet said to us both, ‘twas not fitting to wrangle in so holy a place: with that I perceived he believed us both, both me and my student; so he gave us yet another draught and let us go. But my heart I left behind among the smoked sausages.

Before nightfall we came to our companions, where I took my clothes and arms again, told the captain my story, and chose out six stout fellows to bring the bread home. At midnight we came to the village and took the bread out of the oven: for we had a man among us that could charm dogs; and when we were to pass by the parsonage, I found it not in my heart to go further without bacon. In a word, I stood still and considered deeply whether ‘twere not possible to come into the priest’s kitchen, yet could find no other way but the chimney, which for this turn must be my door. The bread and our arms we took into the churchyard and into the bone-house, and fetched a ladder and rope from a shed close by. Now I could go up and down chimneys as well as any chimney-sweep (for that I had learned in my youth in the hollow trees), so onto the roof I climbed with one other, which roof was covered with a double ceiling and a hollow between, and therefore convenient for my purpose. So I twisted my long hair into a bunch on my head, and lowered myself down with an end of the rope to my beloved bacon, and fastened one ham after another and one flitch after another to the rope which my comrade on the roof most regularly hauled up and gave to the others to carry to the bone-house. But alack and well-a-day! Even as I shut my shop and would out again a rafter broke under me, and poor Simplicissimus tumbled down and the miserable huntsman found himself caught as in a mouse-trap: ‘tis true, my comrades on the roof let down the rope to draw me up: but it broke before they could lift me from the ground. And, “Now huntsman,” thought I, “thou must abide a hunt in which thy hide will be as torn as Actaeon’s,”5 for the priest was awakened by my fall and bade his cook forthwith to kindle a light: who came in her nightdress into the kitchen with her gown hanging on her shoulders and stood so near me that she almost touched me: then she took up an ember, held the light to it, and began to blow: yet I blew harder, which so affrighted the good creature that she let both fire and candle fall and ran to her master. So I gained time to consider by what means I could help myself out: yet found I none.

Now my comrades gave me to understand through the chimney they would break the house open and have me forth: that would I not have, but bade them to look to their arms and leave only my especial comrade on the roof, and wait to see if I could not get away without noise and disturbance, lest our ambush should be frustrated: but if it could not be so, then might they do their best. Meanwhile the good priest himself struck a light; while his cook told him a fearful spectre was in the kitchen who had two heads (for she had seen my hair in a bunch on my head and had mistook it for a second head). All this I heard, and accordingly smeared my face and arms with my hands, which were full of ashes, soot, and cinders, so vilely that without question I no longer could be likened to an angel, as those holy maidens in Paradise had likened me: and that same sacristan, had he but seen me, would have granted me this, that I was a quick painter. And now I began to rattle round in the kitchen in fearful wise, and to throw the pots and pans about: and the kettle-ring coming to my hand, I hung it round my neck, and the fire-hook I kept in my hand to defend myself in case of need.

All which dismayed not that good priest: for he came in procession with his cook, who bore two wax-lights in her hands and a holy-water stoup on her arm, he himself being vested in his surplice and stole, with the sprinkler in one hand and a book in the other, out of which he began to exorcise me and to ask who I was and what I did there. So as he took me to be the devil, I thought ‘twas but fair I should play the devil’s part as the Father of Lies, and so answered, “I am the Devil, and will wring thy neck and thy cook’s too.” Yet he went on with his conjuring and bade me take note I had no concern with him nor his cook; yea, and commanded me under the most solemn adjuration that I should depart to the place whence I had come. To which I answered with a horrible voice, that ‘twas impossible even if I would. Meanwhile my comrade on the roof, which was an arch-rogue and knew his Latin well, had his part to play: for when he heard what time of day ‘twas in the kitchen, he hooted like an owl, he barked like a dog, he neighed like a horse, he bleated like a goat, he brayed like an ass, and made himself heard down the chimney like a whole crew of cats bucking in February, and then again like a clucking hen: for the fellow could imitate any beasts’ cry and, when he would, could howl as naturally as if a whole pack of wolves were there. And this terrified the priest and his cook more than anything: yet was my conscience sore to suffer myself to be abjured as the devil; for he truly took me for such as having read or heard that the devil loved to appear clad in green.

Now in the midst of these doubts, which troubled both parties alike, I was aware by good luck that the key in the lock of the door that led to the churchyard was not turned, but only the bolt shot: so I speedily drew it back and whipped out of the door into the churchyard, where I found my comrades standing with their musquets cocked, and left the parson to conjure devils as long as he would. So when my comrade had brought my hat down from the roof, and we had packed up our provands, we went off to our fellows, having no further business in the village save that we should have returned the borrowed ladder and rope to their owners.

With our stolen food the whole party refreshed themselves, and all had cause enough to laugh over my adventure: only the student could not stomach it that I should rob the priest that had so nobly filled his belly, yea, he swore loud and long he would fain pay him for his bacon, had he but the means at hand; and yet ate of it as heartily as if he were hired for the business. So we lay in our ambush two days longer and waited for the convoy we had so long looked for; where we lost no single man in the attack, yet captured over thirty prisoners and as splendid booty as ever I did help to divide: and I had a double share because I had done best: and that was three Friesland stallions laden with as much merchandise as we could carry off in our haste; and had we had time to examine the booty and to bring it to a place of safety, each for his own part would have been rich enough: but we had to leave more on the spot than we bore off, for we must hurry away with all speed, taking what we could carry: and for greater safety we betook ourselves to Rehnen, and there we baited and shared the booty : for there lay our main body.

And there I thought again on the priest, whose bacon I had stolen: and now may the reader think what a misguided, wanton, and overweening spirit was mine, when it was not enough for me to have robbed and terrified that pious man, but I must claim honour for it. To that end I took a sapphire set in a gold ring, which I had picked up on that same plundering expedition, and sent it from Rehnen to my priest by a sure hand with this letter: “Reverend Sir, – Had I but in these last days had aught in the wood to eat and so to live, I had had no cause to steal your reverence’s bacon, in which matter ‘tis likely you were terrified. I swear by all that is holy that such affright was against my will, and so the more do I hope for forgiveness. As concerning the bacon itself, ‘tis but just it should be paid for, and therefore in the place of money I send this present ring, given by those for whose behoof your goods must needs be taken, and beg your reverence will be pleased to accept the same: and add thereto that he will always find on all occasions an obedient and faithful servant in him whom his sacristan took to be no painter and who is otherwise known as ‘The Huntsman.’”

But to the peasant whose oven they had emptied, the party sent out of the general booty sixteen rix-dollars 6: for I had taught them that in such wise they must bring the country-folk on their side, seeing that such could often help a party out of great difficulties or betray such another party and bring all to the gallows. From Rehnen we marched to Münster and thence to Ham, and so home to Soest to our headquarters, where I after some days received an answer from his reverence, as follows: “Noble Huntsman, – If he from whom you stole the bacon had known that you would appear to him in devilish guise, he had not so often wished to behold the notorious huntsman. But even as the borrowed meat and bread have been far too dearly paid for, so also is the fright inflicted the easier to forgive, especially because ‘twas caused (against his will) by so famous a person, who is hereby forgiven, with the request that he will once more visit without fear him who fears not to conjure the devil. – Vale.”

And so did I everywhere, and gained much fame: yea, and the more I gave away and spent, the more the booty flowed in, and I conceived that I had laid out that ring well, though ‘twas worth some hundred rix-dollars. And so ends this second book.

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* Besieged by the Spaniards from 1601 to 1604. (Goodrick’s note)
1. Soest: The imperial army had a garrison at Soest in Westphalia. The regiment with which Grimmelshausen fought arrived at Soest in December 1636. While in this area, Grimmelshausen served as a soldier part of the time, but also performed more menial tasks, most likely as a stableboy. The area around Soest was laid waste during the war and as a result there was not enough food or fuel to support the army. Negus, Kenneth. Grimmelshausen. (New York: Twayne Publishers, 1974), p. 22-23.

2. General Count Götz: Grimmelshausen joined a light cavalry regiment commanded by the Bavarian Field Marshall, Baron Johann von Götz either early 1636 or early 1637. This regiment was one of the “Leibregimenter”, which were under Götz’s personal command. Götz commanded first in Westphalia and later in the Upper Rhine, where he was defeated while attempting to defend the fortress of Breisach. Negus, Kenneth. Grimmelshausen (New York: Twayne Publishers, 1974), p. 22. and Menhennet, Alan. Grimmelshausen the Storyteller (Columbia, SC: Camden House, 1997), p. 4.

3. Dragoon: Dragoons were mounted infantry who first appeared in Europe in the sixteenth century. They fought as light cavalry on attack and dismounted to fight as infantry on defense. They were organized into companies, not squadrons, and their officers had infantry titles. The name “dragoon” came from the type of carabine, or short musket, that they used, also called a dragoon. “Dragoon,” Encyclopedia Britannica (Chicago: Encyclopedia Britannica Inc, 1997), vol. 4, p. 210.

4. Latinist: A Latinist was a Latin Scholar or writer in Latin. “Latinist.” Oxford English Dictionary (Oxford English Dictionary, 2nd ed. (Oxford: Clarendon Press, 1989), vol. 8, p. 689.

5. Actaeon: Actaeon was a skilled hunter who was trained by the centaur Chiron. While hunting he happened upon Artemis, the goddess of the hunt, bathing. Artemis was enraged and splashed water on Actaeon, turning him into a stag. He was attacked by his own dogs, who tore him to pieces. As part of his punishment, Actaeon retained his own mind and was aware of his fate. March, Jennifer. Dictionary of Classical Mythology (London: Wellington House, 1998), p. 17.

6. Rix-dollar: The rix-dollar was a heavy silver coin used from the late sixteenth to mid nineteenth centuries in various European countries including Holland, Germany, Austria, Denmark, and Sweden. “Rix-dollar” is a corruption of rigsdaler or riksdaler, and is also called a thaler. The thaler was first struck in Germany around 1500 and was adopted by the Holy Roman Empire in 1566. It weighed between 24.6 and 32 grams. Junge, Ewald. World Coin Encyclopedia (New York: William Morrow, 1984), pp. 215 and 249. and “Rix-dollar.” Oxford English Dictionary, 2nd ed. (Oxford: Clarendon Press, 1989), vol. 13, p. 1003.

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