BOOK I.

Edited by David Anderson

ChapI : TREATS OF SIMPLICISSIMUS’S RUSTIC DESCENT AND OF HIS UPBRINGING ANSWERING THERETO

There appeareth in these days of ours (of which many do believe that they be the last days) among the common folk, a certain disease which causeth those who do suffer from it (so soon as they have either scraped and higgled together so much that they can, besides a few pence in their pocket, wear a fool’s coat of the new fashion with a thousand bits of silk ribbon upon it, or by some trick of fortune have become known as men of parts) forthwith to give themselves out gentlemen and nobles of ancient descent. Whereas it doth often happen that their ancestors were day-labourers, carters, and porters, their cousins donkey-drivers, their brothers turnkeys and catchpolls, their sisters harlots, their mothers bawds—yea, witches even: and in a word, their whole pedigree of thirty-two quarterings as full of dirt and stain as ever was the sugar-bakers’ guild of Prague. Yea, these new sprigs of nobility be often themselves as black as if they had been born and bred in Guinea.

With such foolish folk I desire not to even myself, though ‘tis not untrue that I have often fancied I must have drawn my birth from some great lord or knight at least, as being by nature disposed to follow the nobleman's trade had I but the means and tools for it. ‘Tis true, moreover, without jesting, that my birth and upbringing can be compared to that of a prince if we overlook the one great difference in degree. How ! did not my dad (for so they call fathers in the Spessart1) have his own palace like any other, so fine as no king could build with his own hands, but must let that alone for ever. ‘Twas painted with lime, and in the place of unfruitful tiles, cold lead and red copper, was roofed with that straw whereupon the noble corn doth grow, and that he, my dad, might make a proper show of nobility and riches, he has his wall round his castle built, not of stone, which men do find upon the road of dig out of the earth in barren places, much less of miserable baked bricks that in a brief space can be made and burned (as other great lords be wont to do), but he did use oak, which noble and profitable tree, being such that smoked sausage and fat ham doth grow upon it, taketh for its full growth no less than a hundred years; and where is the monarch that can imitate him therein? His halls, his rooms, and his chambers did he have thoroughly blackened with smoke, and for this reason only, that ‘tis the most lasting colour in the world, and doth take longer to reach to real perfection than an artist will spend on his most excellent paintings. The tapestries were of the most delicate web in the world, wove for us by her that of old did challenge Minerva to a spinning match2. His windows were dedicated to St. Papyrius for no other reason than that that same paper doth take longer to come to perfection, reckoning from the sowing of the hemp of flax whereof ‘tis made, than doth the finest and clearest glass of Murano: for his trade made him apt to believe that whatever was produced with much pains was also more valuable and more costly; and what was most costly was best suited to the nobility. Instead of pages, lackeys, grooms, he had sheep, goats, and swine, which often waited upon me in the pastures till I drove them home. His armoury was well furnished with ploughs, mattocks, axes, hoes, shovels, pitchforks, and hayforks, with which weapons he daily exercised himself. The yoking of oxen was his generalship, the piling of dung his fortification, tilling of the land his campaigning, and the cleaning out of the stables his princely pastime and exercise. By this means did he conquer the whole round world so far as he could reach, and at every harvest did draw from it rich spoils. But all this I account nothing of, and am not puffed up thereby, lest any should have cause to jibe at me as at other new-fangled nobility, for I esteem myself no higher than was my dad, which had his abode in a right merry land, to wit, in the Spessart, where the wolves do howl goodnight to each other. But that I have as yet told you nought of my dad’s family, race, and name is of the sake of precious brevity, especially since there is here no question of a foundation for gentlefolks for me to swear myself into; ‘tis enough if it be known that I was born in the Spessart.

Now as my dad’s manner of living will be perceived to be truly noble, so any man of sense will easily understand that my upbringing was like and suitable thereto: and whoso thinks that is not deceived, for in my tenth year I already learned the rudiments of my dad’s princely exercises: yet as touching studies I might compare with the famous Amphistides, of whom Suidas reports that he could not count higher than five: for my dad had perchance too high a spirit, and therefore followed the use of these days, wherein many persons of quality trouble themselves not, as they say, with bookworms’ follies, but have their hirelings to do their ink-slinging for them. Yet I was a fine performer on the bagpipe, whereon I could produce most dolorous strains. But as to knowledge of things divine, none shall ever persuade me that any lad of my age in all Christendom could there beat me, for I knew nought of God or man, of Heaven or hell, of angel of devil, nor could discern between good and evil. So it may be easily understood that I, with such knowledge of theology, lived like our first parents in Paradise, which in their innocence knew nought of sickness or death or dying, and still less of the Resurrection. O noble life ! (or, as one might better say, O noodle’s life !) in which none troubles himself about medicine. And by this measure ye can estimate my proficiency in the study of jurisprudence and all other arts and sciences. Yes, I was so perfected in ignorance that I knew not that I knew nothing. So I say again, O noble life that once I led ! But my dad would not suffer me long to enjoy such bliss, but deemed it right that as being nobly born, I should nobly act and nobly live: and therefore began to train me up for higher things that gave me harder lessons.

Chap. II : OF THE FIRST STEP TOWARDS THAT DIGNITY TO WHICH SIMPLICISSIMUS ATTAINED, TO WHICH IS ADDED THE PRAISE OF SHEPHERDS AND OTHER EXCELLENT PRECEPTS

For he invested me with the highest dignity that could be found, not only in his
household, but in the whole world: namely, with the office of a shepherd: for first he did entrust me with his swine, then his goats, and then his whole flock of sheep, what I should keep and feed the same, and by means of my bagpipe (of which Strabo writeth that in Arabia its music alone doth fatten the sheep and lambs) protect them from the wolf. Then was I like David (save that he in place of the bagpipe had but a harp), which was no bad beginning for me, but a good omen in time, if I had any manner of luck, I should become a famous man: for from the beginning of the world high personages have been shepherds, as we read in the Holy Writ of Abel, Abraham, Isaac, Jacob, and his sons: yea, of Moses also, which must first keep his father-in-law his sheep before he was made law-giver and ruler over six hundred thousand men in Israel.

And now may some man say that these were holy and godly men, and no Spessart peasant-lads knowing nought of God? Which I must confess: yet why should my then innocence be laid to my charge? Yet, among the heathen of old time you will find examples as many among God’s chosen folk. So among the Romans were the noble families that without a doubt were called Bubulci, Vituli, Vitellii, Caprae, and so forth, because they had to do with the cattle so named, and ‘tis like had even herded them. ‘Tis certain Romulus and Remus were shepherds, and Spartacus that made the whole Roman world to tremble. What ! was not Paris, King Priam’s son, a shepherd, and Anchises the Trojan prince, Aeneas’s father? The beautiful Endymion, of whom the chaste Luna was enamoured, was a shepherd, and so too the grisly Polypheme. Yea, the gods themselves were not ashamed of this trade: Apollo kept the kine of Admetus, King of Thessaly; Mercurius and his son Daphnis, Pan and Proteus, were all mighty shepherds: and therefore be they still called by our fantastic poets and patrons of herdsmen. Mesha, King of Moab, as we do read in II Kings, was a sheep-master; Cyrus, the great King of Persia, was not only reared by Mithridates, a shepherd, but himself did keep sheep; Gyges was first a herdsman, and then by the power of a ring became a king; and Ismael Sophi, the Persian king, did in his youth likewise herd cattle. So that Philo, the Jew, doth excellently deal with the matter in his life of Moses when he saith the shepherd’s trade is a preparation and a beginning for the ruling of men, for as men are trained and exercised for the wars in hunting, so should they that are intended for government first be reared in the gentle and kindly duty of a shepherd: all which my dad doubtless did understand: yea, to know it doth to this hour give me no little hope of my future greatness.

But to come back to my flock. Ye must know that I knew as little of wolves as of mine own ignorance, and therefore was my dad the more diligent with his lessons: and “lad,” says he, “have a care; let not the sheep run far from each other, and play thy bagpipe manfully lest the wolf come and do harm, for ‘tis a four-legged knave and a thief that eateth man and beast, and if thou beest anyways negligent he will dust thy jacket for thee.” To which I answered with like courtesy, “Daddy, tell me how a wolf looks: for such I never saw yet.” “O thou silly blockhead,” quoth he, “all thy life long wilt thou be a fool: thou art already a great looby and yet knowest not what a four-legged rogue a wolf is.” And more lessons did he give me, and at last grew angry and went away, as bethinking him that my thick wit could not comprehend his nice instruction.

Chap III : TREATS OF THE SUFFERINGS OF THE FAITHFUL BAGPIPE

So I began to make such ado with my bagpipe and such noise that ‘twas enough to poison all the toads in the garden, and so methought I was safe enough from the wolf that was ever in my mind: and remembering me of my mammy (for so they do use to call their mothers in Spessart and the Vogelsberg) how she had often said the fowls would some time or other die of my singing, I fell upon the thought to sing the more, and so I sang this which I had learned from my mammy:

1. O peasant race so much despised
How greatly art thou to be priz’d?
Yea, none thy praises can excel,
If men would only mark thee well.
2. How would it with the world now stand
Had Adam never till’d the land?
With spade and hoe he dug the earth
From whom our princes have their birth.
3. Whatever earth doth bear this day
Is under thine high rule and sway,
And all that fruitful makes the land
Is guided by thy master hand.
4. The emperor whom God doth give
Us to protect, thereby doth live:
So doth the soldier: though his trade
To thy great loss and harm be made.
5. Meat for our feasts thou dost provide:
Our wine by thee too is supplied:
Thy plough can force the earth to give
That bread whereby all men must live.
6. All waste the earth and desert were
Didst thou not ply thy calling there:
Sad day shall that for all be found
When peasants cease to till the ground.
7. So hast thou right to laud and praise,
For thou dost feed us all our days.
Nature herself thee well doth love,
And God thy handiwork approve.
8. Whoever yet on earth did hear
Of peasant that the gout did fear;
That fell disease which rich men dread,
Whereby is many a noble dead.
9. From vainglory art thou free
(As in these days thou well mayst be),
And lest thou shouldst through pride have loss,
God bids thee daily bear thy cross.
10. Yea, even the soldier’s wicked will
May work thee great advantage still:
For lest thou shouldst to pride incline,
“ Thy goods and house,” saith he, “are mine.”

So far and no further could I get with my song: for in a moment was I surrounded, sheep and all, by a troop of cuirassiers3 that had lost their way in the thick wood and were brought back to their right path by my music and my calls to my flock. “Aha,” quoth I to myself, “These be the right rogues ! these be the four-legged knaves and thieves whereof thy dad did tell thee ! “ For at first I took horse and man (as did the Americans the Spanish cavalry) to be but one beast, and could not but conceive these were the wolves; and so would sound the retreat for these horrible centaurs and send them a-flying: but scarce had I blown up my bellows to that end when one of them catches me by the shoulder and swings me up so roughly upon a spare farm horse they had stolen with other booty that I must needs fall on the other side, and that too upon my dear bagpipe, which began so miserably to scream as it would move all the world to pity: which availed nought, though it spared not its last breath in the bewailing of my sad fate. To horse again I must go, it mattered not what my bagpipe did sing or say: yet what vexed me most was that the troopers said I had hurt my dear bagpipe, and therefore it had made so heathenish an outcry. So away my horse went with me at a good trot, like the “primum mobile4,” for my dad’s farm.

Now did strange and fantastic imaginings fill my brain; for I did conceive, because I sat upon such a beast as I had never before seen, that I too should be changed into an iron man. And because such a change came not, there arose in me other foolish fantasies, for I thought these strange creatures were but there to help me drive my sheep home; for none strayed from the path, but all, with one accord, made for my dad’s farm. So I looked anxiously when my dad and mammy should come out to bid us welcome: which yet came not: for they and our Ursula, which was my dad’s only daughter, had found the back-door open and would not wait for their guests.

Chap. IV : HOW SIMPLICISSIMUS’S PALACE WAS STORMED, PLUNDERED, AND RUINATED, AND IN WHAT SORRY FASHION THE SOLDIERS KEPT HOUSE THERE

Although it was not my intention to take the peace-loving reader with these troopers to my dad’s house and farm, seeing that matters will go ill therein, yet the course of my history demands that I should leave to kind posterity an account of what manner of cruelties were now and again practised in this our German war: yea, and moreover testify by my own example that such evils must often have been sent to us by the goodness of Almighty God for our profit. For, gentle reader, who would ever have taught me that there was a God in Heaven if these soldiers had not destroyed my dad’s house, and by such a deed driven me out among folk who gave me all fitting instruction thereupon? Only a little while before, I neither knew nor could fancy to myself that there were any people on earth save only my dad, my mother and me, and the rest of our household, nor did I know of any human habitation but that where I daily went out and in. But soon thereafter I understood the way of men’s coming into this world, and how they must leave it again. I was only in shape a man and in name a Christian: for the rest I was but a beast. Yet the Almighty looked upon my innocence with a pitiful eye, and would bring me to a knowledge both of Himself and of myself. And although He had a thousand ways to lead me thereto, yet would He doubtless use that one only by which my dad and mother should be punished: and that for an example to all others by reason of their heathenish upbringing of me.

The first thing these troopers did was, that they stabled their horses: thereafter each fell to his appointed task: which task was neither more nor less than ruin and destruction. For though some began to slaughter and to boil and to roast so that it looked as if there should be a merry banquet forward, yet others there were who did but storm through the house above and below stairs. Others stowed together great parcels of cloth and apparel and all manner of household stuff, as if they would set up a frippery market. All that they had no mind to take with them they cut in pieces. Some thrust their swords through the hay and straw as if they had not enough sheep and swine to slaughter: and some shook the feathers out of the beds and in their stead stuffed in bacon and other dried meat and provisions as if such were better and softer to sleep upon. Others broke the stove and the windows as if they had a never-ending summer to promise. Houseware of copper and tin they beat flat, and packed such vessels, all best and spoiled, in with the rest. Bedsteads, tables, chairs and benches they burned, though there lay many cords of dry wood in the yard. Pots and pipkins must all go to pieces, either because they would eat none but roast flesh, or because their purpose was to make there but a single meal.

Our maid was so handled in the stable that she could not come out; which is a shame to tell of. Our man they laid bound upon the ground, thrust a gag into his mouth, and poured a pailful of filthy water into this body: and by this, which they called a Swedish draught, they forced him to lead a party of them to another place where they captured men and beasts, and brought them back to the farm, in which company were my dad, my mother, and our Ursula.
And now they began: first to take the flints out of their pistols and in place of them to jam the peasants thumbs in and so to torture the poor rogues as if they had been about the burning of witches5: for one of them they had taken they thrust into the baking oven and there lit a fire under him, although he had as yet confessed no crime: as for another, they put a cord round his head and so twisted it tight with a piece of wood that the blood gushed from his mouth and nose and ears. In a word, each had his own device to torture the peasants, and each peasant his several torture. But as it seemed to me then, my dad was the luckiest, for he with a laughing face confessed what others out of the midst of pains and miserable lamentations: and such honour without doubt fell to him because he was the householder. For they set him before a fire and bound him fast so that he could neither stir hand nor foot, and smeared the soles of his feet with wet salt, and this made our old goat lick off, and so tickle him that he well nigh burst his sides with laughing. And this seemed to me so merry a thing that I must needs laugh with him for the sake of fellowship, or because I knew no better. In the midst of such laughter he must needs confess all that they would have of him, and indeed revealed to them a secret treasure, which proved far richer in pearls, gold, and trinkets than ant would have looked for among peasants. Of the women, girls, and maidservants whom they took, I have not much to say in particular, for the soldiers would not have me see how they dealt with them. Yet this I did know, that one heard some of them scream most piteously in divers corners of the house; and well I can judge it fared no better with my mother and our Ursel than with the rest. Yet in the midst of all this miserable ruin, I helped to turn the spit, and in the afternoon to give the horses drink, in which employ I encountered our maid in the stable, who seemed to me wondrously tumbled, so that I knew her not, but with a weak voice she called to me, “O lad, run away, or the troopers will have thee away with them. Look to it well that you get hence: thou seest in what plight…” And more she could not say.

Chap. V : HOW SIMPLICISSIMUS TOOK FRENCH LEAVE, AND HOW HE WAS TERRIFIED BY DEAD TREES

Now did I begin to consider and to ponder upon my unhappy condition and
prospects, and to think how I might best help myself out of my plight. For whither should I go? Here indeed my poor wits were far too slender to devise a plan. Yet they served me so far that towards evening I ran into the woods. But then whither was I to go further ? for the ways of the wood were as little known to me as the passage beyond Nova Zembla through the Arctic Ocean to China. ‘Tis true the pitch-dark night was my protection: yet to my dark wits it seemed not dark enough; so I did hide myself in a close thicket wherein I could hear both the shrieks of the tortured peasants and the song of the nightingales; which birds regarded not the peasants either to show compassion for them or to stop their sweet song for their sakes: and so I laid myself, as free from care, upon one ear, and fell asleep. But when the morning star began to glimmer in the east I could see my poor dad’s house all aflame, yet none that sought to stop the fire: so I betook myself thither in hopes to have some news of my dad; whereupon I was espied by five troopers, of whom one holloaed to me, “Come hither, boy, or I will shoot thee dead.”

But I stood stock-still and open-mouthed, as knowing not what he meant or would have; and I standing there and gaping upon them like a cat at a new barn-door, and they, by reason of a morass between, not being able to come at me, which vexed them mightily, one discharged his carbine at me: at which sudden flame of fire and unexpected noise, which the echo, repeating it many times, made more dreadful, I was so terrified that forthwith I fell to the ground, for terror durst not move a finger, though the troopers went their way and doubtless left me for dead; nor for that whole day had I spirit to rise up. But night again overtaking me, I stood up and wandered away into the woods until I saw afar off a dead tree that shone: and this again wrought in me a new fear: wherefore I turned me about posthaste and ran till I saw another such tree, from which I hurried away again, and in this manner spent the night running from one dead tree to another. At last came blessed daylight to my help, and bade those trees leave me untroubled in its presence: yet was I not much the better thereby; for my heart was full of fear and dread, my brain of foolish fancies, and my legs of weariness, my belly of hunger, and mine eyes of sleep. So I went on and on and knew not whither; yet the further I went the thicker grew the wood and the greater the distance from all human kind. So now I came to my senses, and perceived (yet without knowing it) the effect of ignorance and want of knowledge: for if an unreasoning beast had been in my place he would have known what to do for his sustenance better than I. Yet I had wit enough when darkness again overtook me to creep into a hollow tree and there take up my quarters for the night.

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1.The Spessart is a small mountain range in the southwestern Germany. It reaches its highest point in the Geiersberg at 1918 feet. Situated between the Odenwald and the Hohe Rhön, its slopes are forested with vineyards and fruit trees growing at the western foot. “Spessart, The,” The Columbia Gazetteer of the World. Ed. By Saul B. Cohen. (New York: Columbia University Press, 1998), vol. 3, p. 3000.

2.Simplicissimus refers to Arachne of Greek mythology, who was an extremely accomplished weaver. Arachne challenged the goddess Athena to a weaving competition. Athena’s creation depicted the gods and goddesses, while Ariadne’s weaving showed the same gods and goddesses making love. When Athena saw the tapestry's superiority, she destroyed it in jealousy. Arachne hanged herself, but before the rope killed her, Athena took pity on her and changed the rope into a cobweb and Arachne into a spider. The “tapestries” that decorate Simplicissimus’ house are spider webs. “Arachne,” The New Encyclopedia Britannica, (Chicago: Encyclopedia Britannica Inc., 1997), vol 1, p. 510.

3.Cuirassiers were members of a certain kind of heavy cavalry in European armies. They wore armor called cuirasses, which consisted of a backpiece and a breastplate that covered their upper bodies. “Cuirassier” and “Cuirass,” Webster’s Third New International Dictionary (Springfield, Massachusetts: G & C Merriam Company, 1976) p. 551.

4.The Prime Mover was a part of the conceptual theory of the astronomy espoused by Aristotle and others that there is an outer sphere of the universe that it responsible for the movement of all celestial bodies. Taub, Liba Chaia. Ptolemy’s Universe (Chicago: Open Court, 1993), p. 113-122.

5.The burning of witches occurred throughout Germany during the Thirty Years War. Witch trials were carried out by both Protestants and Catholics. The climax of witch trials took place between 1627 and 1631 in southwestern Germany after a terrible plague. Midelfort, H.C. Witch Hunting in Southwestern Germany, 1562-1684 (Stanford: Stanford University Press, 1972), p. 73, 77, 194.

Edited by Caroline Butler
Chap. VI: IS SO SHORT AND SO PRAYERFUL THAT SIMPLICISSIMUS THEREUPON SWOONS AWAY

But hardly had I composed myself to sleep when I heard a voice that cried aloud, “O wondrous love towards us thankless mortals! O mine comfort, my hope, my riches, my God!” and more of the same sort, all of which I could not hear or understand. Yet these were surely words which should rightly have cheered, comforted, and delighted every Christian soul that should find itself in such a plight as I did. But O simplicity! O ignorance! ’Twas all gibberish* to me, and all in an unknown tongue out of which I could make nothing: yea, was rather terrified by its strangeness. Yet when I heard how the hunger and thirst of him that spake should be satisfied, my unbearable hunger did counsel me to join myself to him as a guest. So I plucked heart to come out of my hollow tree and to draw nigh to the voice I had heard, where I was ware of a tall man with long grayish hair which fell in confusion over his shoulders: a tangled beard he had shapen like to a Swiss cheese; his face yellow and thin yet kindly enough, and his long gown made up of more than a thousand pieces of cloth of all sorts sewn together one upon another. Round his neck and body he had wound a heavy iron chain like St. William,* and in other ways seemed in mine eyes so grisly and terrible that I began to shake like a wet dog. But what made my fear greater was the he did hug to his breast a crucifix some six spans long. So I could fancy nought else but that this old grey man must be the wolf of whom my dad had of late told me: and in my fear I whipped out my bagpipe, which, as mine only treasure, I had saved from the troopers, and blowing up the sack, tuned up and made a mighty noise to drive away that same grisly wolf: at which sudden and unaccustomed music in that lonely place the hermit at first no little dismayed, deeming, without doubt, ’twas the devil come to terrify him and so disturb his prayers, as happened to the great St. Anthony. But presently recovering himself, he mocked at me as his tempter in the hollow tree, whiter I had retired myself: nay, plucked up such heart that he advanced upon me to defy the enemy of mankind.

“Aha!” says he, “thou art a proper fellow enough, to tempt saints without God’s leave”: and more than that I heard not: for his approach caused in me such fear and trembling that I lost my senses and fell forthwith into a swoon.

Chap. VII: HOW SIMPLICISSIMUS WAS IN A POOR LODGING KINDLY ENTREATED

After what manner I was helped to myself again I know not; only this, that the old man had my head on his breast and my jacket open in front, when I came to my senses. But when I saw the hermit so close to me I raised such a hideous outcry as if he would have torn the heart out of my body. The said he, “My son, hold thy peace: be content: I do thee no harm.” Yet the more he comforted me and soothed me the more I cried, “Oh, thou eatest me! Oh! Thou eatest me: thou art the wolf and wilt eat me.” “Nay, nay,” said he, “my son, be at peace: I eat thee not.”
This contention lasted long, till at length I let myself so far be persuaded as to go into his hut with him, wherein was poverty the housekeeper, hunger the cook, and want clerk of the kitchen: there was my belly cheered with herbs and a draught of water, and my mind, which was altogether distraught, again brought to right reason by the old man’s comfortable kindness. Thereafter then I easily allowed myself to be enticed by the charm of sweet slumber to pay my debt to nature. Now when the hermit perceived my need of sleep he left me to occupy my place in his hut alone: for one only could lie therein. So about midnight I awoke again and heard him sing the song which followeth here, which I afterwards did learn by heart.

“Come, joy of night, O nightingale:
Take up, take up they cheerful tale:
Sing sweet and loud and long.
Come praise thine own Creator blest,
When other birds are gone to rest,
And now have used their song.

(Chorus) With thy voice loud rejoice;
For so thou best canst shew they love
To God who reigns in heaven above.

For though the light of day be flown,
And we in darkness dwell alone,
Yet can we chant and sing
Of God his power and God his might:
Nor darkness hinders us nor night
Our praises so to bring.
Echo the wanderer makes reply
And when though singst will still be by
And still repeat thy strain.
All weariness she drives afar
And sloth to which we prisoners are,
And mocks at slumber’s chain.
The stars that stand in heaven above,
Do shew to God their praise and love
And honour to Him bring;
And owls by nature reft of song
Yet shew with cries the whole night long
Their love to God the king.
Come hither then, sweet bird of night,
For we will share no sluggard’s plight
Nor sleep away the hours;
But, till the rosy break of day
Chase from these woods the night away,
God’s praise shall still be ours.”

Now while this song did last it seemed to me as if nightingale, owl, and echo had of a truth joined therein, and had I ever heard the morning star or had been able to play its melody on my bagpipe, I had surely run out of the hut to take my trick also, so sweet did this harmony seem to me: yet I fell asleep again and woke not till day was far advanced, when the hermit stood before me and said, “Up, child, I will give thee to eat and thereafter shew thee the way through the wood, so that though comest to where people dwell, and also before night to the nearest village.”

So I asked him, what be these things, “people” and “village”?
“ What,” says he, “hast never been in any village and knowest not what people or folks be?”
“ Nay,” said I, “nowhere save here have I been: yet tell me what be these things, folk and people and village.”
“ God save us,” answered the hermit, “art thou demented or very cunning?”
“ Nay,” said I, “I am my mammy’s and dad’s boy, and neither Master Demented nor Master Cunning.”
Then the hermit shewed his amazement with sighs and crossing of himself, and says he, “ ’Tis well, dear child, I am determined if God will better to instruct thee.”
So then our questions and answers fell out as the ensuing chapter sheweth.

Chap. VIII: HOW SIMPLICISSIMUS BY HIS NOBLE DISCOURSE PROCLAIMED HIS EXCELLENT QUALITIES

Hermit. What is they name?
Simplicissimus: My name is “Lad.”
H: I can see well enough that thou art no girl: but how did thy father and mother call thee?
S: I never had either father or mother.
H: Who gave thee then thy shirt?
S: Oho! Why, my mammy.
H: What did they mother call thee?
S: She called me “Lad,” ay, and “rogue, silly gaby, and gallowsbird.”
H: Who, then, was thy mammy’s husband?
S: No one.
H: With whom, then, did thy mammy sleep at night?
S: With my dad.
H: What did thy dad call thee?
S: He called me “Lad.”
H: What was his name?
S: His name was Dad.
H: What did thy mammy call him?
S: Dad, and sometimes also “Master.”
H: Did she never call him aught besides?
S: Yea, that she did.
H: And what then?
S: “Beast” “coarse brute,” “drunken pig,” and other the like, when she would scold him.
H: Thou beest but an ignorant creature, that knowest not thy parents’ name nor thine own.
S: Oho! Neither dost thou know it.
H: Canst thou say thy prayer?
S: Nay, my mammy and our Ursel did uprear the beds.
H: I ask thee not that, but whether thou knowest thy Paternoster1?
S: That do I.
H: Say it then
S: Our father which art in heaven, hallowed be name, to thy kingdom come, thy will come down on earth as it says in heaven, give us debts as we give our debtors: lead us not into no temptation, but deliver us from the kingdom, the power, and the glory, for ever and ever. Amen.
H: God help us! Knowest thou naught of our Blessed Lord God?
S: Yea, yea: ’tis he that stood by our chamber-door; my mammy brought him home from the church feast and stuck him up there.
H: O Gracious God, now for the first time do I perceive what a great favour and benefit it is when Thou impartest knowledge of Thyself, and how naught a man is to whom Thou givest not! O Lord, vouchsafe to me so to honour Thy holy name that I be worthy to be as zealous in my thanks for this great grace as Thou hast been liberal in the granting of it. Hark now, Simplicissimus (for I can call thee by no other name), when thou sayest thy Paternoster, thou must say this: “Our Father which art in heaven, hallowed be Thy name: Thy kingdom come: Thy will be done in earth as it is in heaven: give us this day our daily bread…”
S: Oho there! Ask for cheese too!
H: Ah, dear child, keep silence and learn that thou needest more than cheese: thou art indeed loutish, as thy mammy told thee: ’tis not the part of lads like thee to interrupt an old man, but to be silent, to listen, and to learn. Did I but know where thy parent dwelt, I would fain bring thee to them, and then teach them how to bring up children.
S: I know not whither to go. Our house is burnt, and my mammy ran off and was fetched back with out Ursula, and my dad too, and our maid was sick and lying in the stable.
H: And who did burn the house?
S: Aha! There came iron men that sat on things as big as oxen, yet having no horns: which same men did slaughter sheep and cows and swine, and so I ran too, and then was the house burnt.
H: Where was thy dad then?
S: Aha! The iron men tied him up and our old goat was set to lick his feet. So he must needs laugh, and give the iron men many silver pennies, big and little, and fair yellow things and some that glittered, and fine strings full of little white balls.
H: And when did this come to pass?
S: Why, even when I should have been keeping of sheep: yea, and they would even take from me my bagpipe.
H: But when was it that thou shouldst have been keeping sheep?
S: What, canst thou not hear? Even then when the iron men came: and then our Anna bade me run away, or the soldiers would carry me off: and by that she meant the iron men: so I ran off and so I came hither.
H: And whither wilt thou now?
S: Truly I know not: I will stay here with thee.
H: Nay, to keep thee here is not to the purpose, either for me or thee. Eat now; and presently I will bring thee where people are.
S: Oho! tell me now what manner of things be “people.”
H: People be mankind like me and thee: thy dad, thy mammy, and your Ann be mankind, and when there be many together then are they called people: and now go thou and eat.
So was our discourse, in which the hermit often gazed on me with deepest sighs: I know not whether ’twas so because he had great compassion on my simplicity and ignorance, or from that cause, which I learned not until some years later.

Chap. IX: HOW SIMPLICISSIMUS WAS CHANGED FROM A WILD BEAST INTO A CHRISTIAN

So I began to eat and ceased to prattle; all which lasted no longer than til I had appeased mine hunger: for then the good hermit bade me begone. Then I must seek out the most flattering words which my rough country upbringing afforded me, and all to this end, to move the hermit that he should keep me with him. Now though of a certainty it must have vexed him greatly to endure my troublesome presence, yet did he resolve to suffer me to be with him; and that more to instruct me in the Christian religion, than because he would have my service in his approaching old age: yet was this his greatest anxiety, lest my tender youth should not endure for long such a hard way of living as was his.

A space of some three weeks was my year of probation: in which three weeks St. Gertrude* was at war with the gardeners: so was it my lot to be inducted into the profession of these last: and therein I carried myself so well that the good hermit took an especial pleasure in me, and that not so much for my work’s sake (whereunto I was before well trained) but because he saw that I myself was as ready greedily to hearken to his instructions as the waxen, soft, and yet smooth tablet of my mind shewed itself ready to receive such. For such reasons he was more zealous to bring me to the knowledge of all good things. So he began his instruction from the fall of Lucifer: thence came he to the Garden of Eden, and when we were thrust out thence with out first parents, he passed through the law of Moses and taught me, by the means of the ten commandments and their explications—of which commandments he would say that they were a true measure to know the will of God, and thereby to lead a life holy and well pleasing to God—discern virtue from vice, to do the good and to avoid the evil. At the end of all he came to the Gospel and told me of Christ’s Birth, Sufferings, Death, and Resurrection: and then concluded all with the Judgment Day, and so set Heaven and hell before my eyes: and this all with befitting circumstance, yet not with superfluity of words, but as it seemed to him I could best comprehend and understand. So when he had ended one matter he began another, and therewithal contrived with all patience so to shape himself to answer my questions, and so to deal with me, that better he could not have shed the light of truth into my heart. Yet were his life and his speech for me an everlasting preaching: and this my mind, all wooden and dull as it was, yet by God’s grace left not fruitless. So that in three weeks did I not only understand all that a Christian should know, but was possessed with such love for this teaching that I could not sleep at night for thinking thereon.

I have since pondered much upon this matter and have found that Aristotle, in his second book “Of the Soul,”2 did put it well, whereas he compared the soul of man to a blank unwritten tablet, whereon one could write what he would, and concluded that all such was decreed by the Creator of the world, in order that such blank tablets might by industrious impression and exercise be marked, and so be brought to completeness and perfection. And so saith also his commentator Averroes3 (upon that passage where the Philosopher saith that the Intellect is but a possibility which can be brought into activity by naught else than by Scientia or Knowledge: which is to say that man’s understanding is capable of all things, yet can be brought to such knowledge only by constant exercise), and giveth this plain decision: namely, that this knowledge or exercise is the perfecting of souls, which have no power at all in them selves. And this doth Cicero4 confirm in his second book and the “Tusculan Disputations,”5 when he compares the soul of a man without instruction, knowledge, and exercise, to a field which, albeit fruitful by nature, yet if no man till it or sow it will bring forth no fruit.

And all this did I prove by my own single example: for that I so soon understood all that the pious hermit shewed to me arose from this cause: that he found the smooth tablet of my soul quite empty and without any imaginings before entered thereupon, which might well have hindered the impress of others thereafter. Yet in spite of all, that pure simplicity (in comparison with other men’s ways) hath ever clung to me: and therefore did the hermit (for neither he nor I knew my right name) ever call me Simplicissimus. Withal I learned to pray, and when the good hermit had resolved himself to satisfy my earnest desire to abide with him, we built for me a hut like to his own, of wood, twigs and earth, shaped well nigh as the musqueteer shapes his tent in camp or, to speak more exactly, as the peasant in some places shapes his turnip-hod, so low, in truth, that I could hardly sit upright therein; my bed was of dried leaves and grass, and just so large as the hut itself, so that I know not whether to call such a dwelling-place or hole, a covered bedstead or hut.

Chap. X: IN WHAT MANNER HE LEARNED TO READ AND WRITE IN THE WILD WOODS

Now when first I saw the hermit read the Bible, I could not conceive with whom he should speak so secretly and, as I thought, so earnestly; for well I saw the moving of his lips, yet not man that spake with him: and though I knew naught of reading or writing, nevertheless I marked by his eyes that he had to do with somewhat in the said book. So I marked where he kept it, and when he had laid it aside I crept thither and opened it, and at the first assay lit upon the first chapter of Job and the picture that stood at the head thereof, which was a fine woodcut and fairly painted: so I began to ask strange questions of the figures, and when they gave me no answer waxed impatient, and even as the hermit came up behind me, “Ye little clowns,” said I, “have ye no mouths any longer? Could ye not even now prate away long enough with my father (for so must I call my hermit)? I see well enough that ye are driving away the gaffer’s sheep and burning of his house: wait awhile and I will quench your fire for ye,” and with that rose up to fetch water, for there seemed to me present need of it. Then said the hermit, who I knew not was behind me: “Whither away, Simplicissimus?” “O father,” says I, “here be more soldiers that will drive off sheep: they do take them from that poor man with whom though didst talk: and here is his house a-burning, and if I quench it not ’twill be consumed”: and with that I pointed with my finger to what I saw. “But stay,” quoth the hermit, “for these figures be not alive;” to which I, with rustic courtesy, answered him: “What, beest thou blind? Do thou keep watch lest that they drive the sheep away while I do seek for water.” “Nay,” quoth he again, “but they be not alive; they be made only to call up before out eyes things that happened long ago.” “How;” said I, “thou didst even now talk with them: how then can they be not alive?” At that the hermit must, against his will and contrary to his habit, laugh: and “Dear child,” says he, “these figures cannot talk: but what they do and what they are, that can I see from these black lines, and that do men call reading. And when I this do read, thou conceivest that I speak with the figures: but ’tis not so.”

Yet I answered him: “If I be a man as thou art, so must I likewise be able to see in these black lines what thou canst see: how then may I understand thy words? Dear father, teach me in truth how to understand this matter.”

So said he: “ ’Tis well, my son, and I will teach thee so that thou mayest speak with these figures as well as I: only ’twill need time, in which I must have patience and thou industry.”

With that he wrote me down an alphabet on birchbark, formed like print, and when I knew the letters, I learned to spell, and thereafter to read, and at last to write better than could the hermit himself; for I imitated print in everything.

**********

* Lit., "Bohemian Villages," i.e. with unpronounceable names. [Goodrick's note]
* William, Duke of Aquitaine, and afterwards a Saint noted for the acerbity of his penance. [Goodrick's note]
* A proverb: on Saint Gertrude's day spinning ceases and garden-work begins. [Goodrick's note]
1.Paternoster, also called the Lord’s Prayer, or the Our Father, is a prayer that was taught by Jesus to his disciples. It is the principle prayer used by Christians in common worship. The hermit’s is a faithful recitation of the Paternoster. “Lord’s Prayer,” Encyclopedia Britannica Online, http://search.eb.com/bol/topic?eu=50123&sctn=1#s_top [Accessed 14 February 2002]
2. “Of the Soul,” or De Anima, was written by Aristotle. It gives a general account of the nature of the soul’s cognitive faculties. It is, essentially, a metaphysical analysis of the mind and the soul. Cambridge Dictionary of Philosophy, (Cambridge: Cambridge University Press, 1992), p. 7
3. Averroes, or ibn Rushd (Averroes is the Latinized version), was a principal Islamic philosopher during the 12th century. He was the author of a number of commentaries on the works of Aristotle, and during the 13th century many of his commentaries were translated from Arabic to Latin. Since his death, he has been thought of as the commentator on Aristotle. Leaman, Oliver. Averroes and His Philosophy, (Oxford : Clarendon Press ; New York : Oxford University Press, 1988).
4.Cicero, full name Marcus Tullius Cicero, born 106 B.C. in Arpinium Latium, was a Roman statesman, lawyer, scholar, and writer who was a strong proponent of Republican principles. His repertoire included works of rhetoric, orations, philosophical and political treatises, and letters. “Cicero, Marcus Tullius,” Encyclopedia Britannica Online http://search.eb.com/bol/topic?eu=84794&sctn=1 [Accessed 14 February 2002]
5 .“Tusculan Disputations,” originated as a series of lectures given by Cicero, which he later put into book form. It approaches the question of happiness as it relates to the soul, and considers the nature of the soul, more specifically, the immortality of the soul. According to this work, the soul is divine and outlasts its physical limitations. Petersson, Torsten. Cicero, a biography, (New York, Biblo and Tannen, 1963).

Edited by Melanie Edwards

CHAPTER XI DISCOURSETH OF FOODS, HOUSEHOLD STUFF, AND OTHER NECESSARY CONCERNS, WHICH FOLK MUST HAVE IN THIS EARTHLY LIFE

In that wood did I abide for about two years, until the hermit died, and after his death somewhat longer than a half-year. And therefore it seemeth me good to tell to the curious reader, who often desireth to know even the smallest matters, of our doings, our ways and works, and how we spent or life.
Now our food was vegetables of all kinds, turnips, cabbage, beans, pease, and the like: nor did we despise beech-nuts, wild apples, pears, and cherries: yea, and our hunger often made even acorns savory to us; our bread or, to say more truly, our cakes, we baked on hot askes, and they remade of Italian rye beaten fine. In winter we would catch birds with springes and snares; but in spring and summer God bestowed upon us young fledglings from their nest. Often must we make out with snails and frogs: and so was fishing, both with net and line, convenient to us: for close to our dwelling there flowed a brook, full of fish and crayfish, all which did help to make our rough vegetable diet palatable. Once on a time did we catch a young wild pig, and this we penned in a stall, and did feed him with acorns and beech-nuts, so fatted him and at last did eat him; for my hermit knew it could be no sin to eat that which God hath created to such end for the whole human race.
Of salt we needed but little and spices not at all: for we might not arouse our desire to drink, seeing that we had no cellar: what little salt we wanted a good pastor furnished us who dwelt some fifteen miles away from us, and of whom I shall yet have much to tell.
Now as concerns our household stuff, we had enough: for we had a shovel, a pick, an axe, a hatchet, and an iron pot for cooking, which was indeed not our own, but lent to us by the said pastor: each of us had an old blunt knife, which same were our own possessions, and no more: more than that needed we naught, neither dishes, plates, spoons, nor forks: neither kettles, frying-pans, gridirons, spits, salt-cellars, no, nor any other table and kitchen ware: for our iron pot was our dish, our hands our forks and spoons: and if we would drink, we could do so through a pipe from the spring or else we dipped our mouths like Gideon’s soldiers#1 1. Then for garments: of wool, or silk, of cotton, and of linen, as for beds, table-covers, and tapestries, we had none save what we wore upon our bodies: for we deemed it enough if we could shield ourselves from rain and frost. At other times we kept no rule or order in our household, save on Sundays and holy-days, at which time we would start on our way at midnight, so that we might come early enough to escape men’s notice, to the said pastor’s church, which was a little away from the village, and there might attend service. When we came thither we betook ourselves to the broken organ, from which place we could see both altar and pulpit: and when I first saw the pastor go up to the pulpit I asked my hermit what he would do in that great tub! So, service finished, we went home as secretly as we had come, and when we found ourselves then once more at home, with weary body and weary feet, then did we eat foul food with fair appetite: then would the hermit spend the rest of the day in praying and in the instructing of me in holy things.
On working days we would do that which seemed most necessary to do, according as it happened, and as such was required by the time of year and by our needs: now would we work in the garden: another time we gathered together the rich mould in shady places and out of hollow trees to improve our garden therewith in place of dung; again we would weave baskets or fishing-nets or chop firewood, or go a-fishing, or do aught to banish idleness. Yet among all these occupations did the good hermit never cease to instruct me faithfully in all good things: and meanwhile did I learn, in such a hard life, to endure hunger, thirst, heat, cold, and great labour, and before all things to know God and how one should serve Him best, which was the chiefest thing of all. And indeed my faithful hermit would have me know no more, for he held it was enough for any Christian to attain his end and aim, if he did but constantly pray and work: so it came about that, though I was pretty well instructed in ghostly matters, and knew my Christian belief well enough, and could speak the German language as well as a talking spelling-book, yet I remained the most simple lad in the world: so that when I left the wood I was such a poor, sorry creature that no dog would have left his bone to run after me.

CHAPTER XII: TELLS OF A NOTABLE FINE WAY, TO DIE HAPPY AND TO HAVE ONESELF BURIED AT SMALL COST

So had I spent two years or thereabouts, and had scarce grown accustomed to the hard life of a hermit, when one day my best friend on earth took his pick, have me the shovel, and led me by the hand, according to his daily custom, to our garden, where we were wont to say our prayers.
“ Now Simplicissimus, dear child,” said he, “inasmuch as, God be praised, the time is at hand when I must part from this earth and must pay the debt of nature, and leave thee behind me in this world, and whereas I do partly foresee the future course of they life and do know well that thou wilt not long abide in this wilderness, therefore did I desire to strengthen thee in the way of virtue which thou hast entered on, and to five thee some lessons for thy instruction by means of which thou shouldest so rule thy life that, as though by an unfailing clue, thou mightest find thy way to eternal happiness, and so with all elect saints mightest be found worthy for ever to behold the face of God in that other life.”
These words did drown mine eyes in tears, even as once the enemy’s device did drown the town of Villingen; in a word, they were so terrible that I could not endure them, but said: “Beloved father, wilt thou then leave me alone in this wild wood? Must I then…?” And more I could not say, for my heart’s sorrow was, by reason of the overflowing love which I bore to my true father, so grievous that I sank at his feet as if I were dead. Yet did he raise me up and comfort me so far as time and opportunity did allow, and would shew me mine own error, in that he asked, would I rebel against the decree of the Almighty? “and knowest thou not,” says he, “that neither heaven nor hell can do that? Nay, nay, my son! Why dost thou propose further to burden my weak body, which itself is but desirous of rest? Thinkest thou to force me to sojourn longer in this vale of tears? Ah no, my son, let me go, for in any case neither with lamentation and tears, nor still less with my good will, canst thou compel me to dwell longer in this misery when I am by God’s express will called away therefrom: instead of all this useless clamour, follow thou my last words, which are these: the longer thou livest seek to know thyself the better, and if thou live as long as Methuselah2#2_, yet let not such practice depart from they heart: for that most men do come to perdition this is the cause--namely, that they know not what they have been and what they can or must be.” And further he exhorted me, I should at all times beware of bad company: for the harm of that was unspeakable. Of that he game me an example, saying: “If thou puttest a drop of malmsey3 into a vessel full of vinegar, forthwith it turns into vinegar: but if thou pour a drop of vinegar into malmsey, that drop will disappear into the wine. Beloved son, before all things be steadfast: for whoso endureth to the end he shall be saved; but if it happen, contrary to my hopes, that thou from human weakness dost fall, then by a fitting penitence raise thyself up again.”
Now this careful and pious man gave me but this brief counsel, not because he knew no more, but because in sober truth I seemed to him, by reason of my youth, not able to comprehend more in such a case, and again, because few words be better to hold in remembrance than long discourse, and if they have pith and point do work greater good when they be pondered on than any long sermon, which a man may well understand as spoken and yet is wont presently to forget. And these three points: to know oneself: to avoid bad company: and to stand steadfast; this holy man, without doubt, deemed good and necessary because he had made trial of them in his own case and had not found them to fail: for, coming to know himself, he eschewed not only bad company but that of the whole world, and in that plan did persevere to the end, on which doubtless all salvation doth depend.
So when he had thus spoken, he began with his mattock#4_ 4 to dig his own grave: and I helped as best I could in whatever way he bade me; yet I did not conceive to what end all this was. Then said he: “My dear and only true son (for besides thee I never begat creature for the honour of our Creator), when my soul is gone to its own place, then do thy duty to my body, and pay me the last honors: cover me up with these same clods which we have even now dug from this pit.” And thereupon he took me in his arms and, kissing me, pressed me harder to his breast than would seem possible for a man so weak as he appeared to be. And, “Dear child,” says he, “I commend thee to God his protection, and die the more cheerfully because I hope He will receive thee therein.” Yet could I do naught but lament and cry, yea, did hang upon the chains which he wore on his neck, and thought thereby to prevent him from leaving me. But “My son,” says he, “let me go, that I may see if the grave be long enough for me.” And therewith he laid aside the chains together with his outer garment, and so entered the pit even as one that will lie down to sleep, saying, “Almighty God, receive again the soul that Thou hast given: Lord, into Thy hands I commend my spirit.” Thereupon did he calmly close his lips and his eyes: while I stood there like a stockfish, and dreamt not that his dear soul could so have left the body: for often I had seen him in such trances: and so now, as was my wont in such a case, I waited there for hours praying by the grave. But when my beloved hermit arose not again, I went down into the grave to him and began to shake, to kiss, and to caress him: but there was no life in him, for grim and pitiless death had robbed the poor Simplicissimus of his holy companionship. Then did I bedew or, to say better, did embalm with my tears his lifeless body, and when I had for a long time run up and down with miserable cries, began to heap earth upon him, with more sighs than hopefuls: and hardly had I covered his face when I must go down again and uncover it afresh that I might see it and kiss it once more. And so it went on all day till I had finished, and in this way ended all the funeral; an “exequiae” and “ludi gladiatorii” wherein neither bier, coffin, pall, lights, bearers, nor mourners were at hand, nor any clergy to sing over the dead.

CHAPTER XIII: HOW SIMPLICISSIMUS WAS DRIVEN ABOUT LIKE A STRAW IN A WHIRLPOOL

Now a few days after the hermit’s decease I betook myself to the pastor abovementioned and declared to him my master’s death, and therewith besought counsel from him how I should act in such a case. And though he much dissuaded me from living longer in the forest, yet did I boldly tread in on my predecessor’s footsteps, inasmuch as for the whole summer I did all that a holy monk should do. But as time changeth all things, so by degrees the grief which I felt for my hermit grew less and less, and the sharp cold of winter without quenched the heat of my steadfast purpose within. And the more I began to falter the lazier did I become in my prayers, for in place of dwelling ever upon godly and heavenly thoughts, I let myself be overcome by the desire to see the world: and inasmuch as for this purpose I could do no good in my forest, I determined to go again to the said pastor and ask if he again would counsel me to leave the wood. To that end I betook myself to his village, which when I came thither I found myself in flames: for a party of troopers had but now plundered and burned it, and of the peasants killed some, driven some away, and some had made prisoners, among whom was the pastor himself. Ah God, how full is man’s life of care and disappointment! Scarce hath one misfortune ended and lo! we are in another. I wonder not that the heathen philosopher Timon5#5_set up many gallows at Athens, whereupon men might string themselves up, and so with brief pain make an end to their wretched life.
These troopers were even now ready to march, and had the pastor fastened by a rope to lead him away. Some cried, “Shoot him down, the rogue!” Others would have money from him. But he, lifting up his hands to heaven, begged, for the sake of the Last Judgment, for forbearance and Christian compassion, but in vain; for one of them rode him down and dealt him such a blow on the head that he fell flat, and commended his soul to God. Nor did the remainder of the captured peasants fare any better. But even when it seemed these troopers, in their cruel tyranny, had clean lost their wits, came such a swarm of armed peasants out of the wood, that it seemed a wasps’-nest had been stirred. And these began to yell so frightfully an so furiously to attack with sword and musket that all my hair stood on end; and never had I been at such a merrymaking before: for the peasants of the Spessart and the Vogelsberg are as little wont as are the Hessians and men of the Sauerland and the Black Forest to let themselves be crowed over on their own dunghill. So away went the troopers, and not only left behind the cattle they had captured, but threw away bag and baggage also, and so cast all their booty for the peasants: yet some of them fell into their hands. This sport took from me well-nigh all desire to see the world, for I thought, if ‘tis all like this, then is the wilderness far more pleasant. Yet would I fain hear what the pastor had to say of it, who was, by reason of wounds and blows received, faint, weak, and feeble. Yet he made shift to tell me he knew not how to help or advise me, since he himself was now in a plight in which he might well have to seek his bread by begging, and if I should remain longer in the woods, I could hope no more for help from him; since, as I saw with my own eyes, both his church and his parsonage were in flames. Thereupon I betook myself sorrowfully to my dwelling in the wood, and because on this journey I had been but little comforted, yet on the other hand had become more full of pious thoughts, therefore I resolved never more to leave the wilderness: and already I pondered whether it were not possible for me to live without salt (which the pastor had until now furnished me with) and so do without mankind altogether.

CHAPTER XIV: A QUAINT COMEDIA OF FIVE PEASANTS

So now that I might follow up on my design and become a true anchorite, I put on my hermit’s hair-shirt which he had left me and girded me with his chain over it: not indeed as if I needed it to mortify my unruly flesh, but that I might be like to my fore-runner both in life and in habit, and moreover might by such clothes be the better able to protect myself against the rough cold of winter. But the second day after the above-mentioned village had been plundered and burnt, as I was sitting in my hut and praying, at the same time roasting carrots for food over the fire, here surrounded me forty or fifty musqueteers: and these, though amazed at the strangeness of my person, yet ransacked my hut, seeking what was not there to find: for nothing had I but books, and these they threw this way and that as useless to them. But at last, when they regarded me more closely and saw by my feathers what a poor bird they had caught, they could easily reckon there was poor booty to be found where I was. And much they wondered my hard way of life, and shewed great pity for my tender youth, specially their officer that commanded them: for he shewed me respect, and earnestly besought me that I would shew him and his men the way out of the wood wherein they had long been wandering. Nor did I refuse, but led them the nearest way to the village, even where the before-mentioned pastor had been so ill handled; for I knew no other road.
Now before we were out of the wood, we espied some ten peasants, of whom part were armed with musquets, while the rest were busied with burying something. So our musqueteers ran upon them, crying, “Stay! Stay!” But they answered with a discharge of shot, and when they saw they were outnumbered by the soldiers, away they went so quick that none of the musqueteers, being weary, could overtake them. So then they would dig up again what the peasants had been burying: and that was the easier because they had left the mattocks and spades which they used lying there. But they had made few strokes with the pick when they heard a voice from below crying out, “O ye wanton rogues, O ye worst of villains, think ye that Heaven will leave your heathenish cruelty and tricks unpunished? Nay, for there live yet honest fellows by whom your barbarity shall be paid in such wise that none of your fellow men shall think you worth even a kick of his foot.” So the soldiers looked on one another in amazement, and knew not what to do. For some thought they had to deal with a ghost: to me it seemed I was dreaming: but the officer bade them dig on stoutly. And presently they came to a cask, which they burst open, and therein found a fellow that had neither nose nor ears, and yet still lived. He, when he was somewhat revived, and had recognized some of the troop, told them how on the day before, as some of his regiment were a-foraging, the peasants had caught six of them. And of these they first of all, about an hour before, had shot five dead at once, making them stand one behind another; and because the bullet, having already passed through five bodies, did not reach him, who stood sixth and last, they had cut off his nose and ears, yet before that had forced him to render to five of them the filthiest service in the world* . But when he saw himself thus degraded by these rogues without shame or knowledge of God, he had heaped upon them the vilest reproaches, though they were willing now to let him go. Yet in the hope one of them would from annoyance send a ball through his head, he called them all by their right names: yet in vain. Only this, that when he had thus chafed them they had clapped him in the cask here present and buried him alive, saying, since he so desired death they would not cheat him of his amusement.
Now while the fellow thus lamented the torments he had endured, came another party of foot-soldiers by a cross road through the wood, who had met the above-mentioned boors, caught five and shot the rest dead: and among the prisoners were four to whom that maltreated trooper had been forced to do that filthy service a little before. So now, when both parties had found by their manner of hailing one another that they were of the same army, they joined forces, and again must hear from the trooper himself how it had fared with him and his comrades. And there might any man tremble and quake to see how these same peasants were handled: for some in their first fury would say, “Shoot them down,” but others said, “Nay: these wanton villains must we first properly torment: yea, and make them to understand in their own bodies what they have deserved as regards the person of this same trooper.” And all the time while this discussion proceeded these peasants received such mighty blows in the ribs from the butts of their musquets that I wondered they did not spit blood. Bur presently stood forth a soldier, and said he: “You gentlemen, seeing that it is a shame to the whole profession of arms that this rogue (and therewith he pointed to that same unhappy trooper) have so shamefully submitted himself to the will of five boors, it is surely our duty to wash out this spot of shame, and compel these rogues to do the same shameful service for this trooper which they forced him to do for them.” But another said: “This fellow is not worth having such honour due to him; for were he not a poltroon surely he would not have done such shameful service, to the shame of all honest soldiers, but would a thousand times sooner have died.” In a word, ‘twas decided with one voice that each of the captured peasants should do the same filthy service for ten soldiers which their comrade had been forced to do, and each time should say, “So do I cleanse and wash away the shame which these soldiers think they have endured.”
Thereafter they would decided how they should deal with the peasants when they had fulfilled this cleanly task. So presently they went to work: but the peasants were so obstinate that neither by promise of their lives nor by any torture could they be compelled thereto. Then one took the fifth peasant, who had not maltreated the trooper, a little aside, and says he: “It thou wilt deny God and all His saints, I will let thee go whither thou wilt.” Thereupon the peasant made the reply, “he had in all his life taken little count of saints, and had had but little traffic with God,” and added thereto with a solemn oath, “he knew not God and had no art nor part in His kingdom.” So then the soldier sent a ball at his head: which worked as little harm as if it had been shot at a mountain of steel. Then he drew out his hangar and “Beest thou still here?” says he. “I promised to let thee go whither thou wouldst: see now, I send thee to the kingdom of hell, since thou wilt not go to heaven”: and so he split his head down to the teeth. And as he fell, “So,” said the soldier, “must a man avenge himself and punish these loose rogues both in this world and the next.”
Meanwhile the other soldiers had the remaining four peasants to deal with. These they bound, hands and feet together, over a fallen tree in such wise that their back-sides (saving your presence) were uppermost. Then they stript off their breeches, and took some yards of their match-string and made knots in it, and fiddled them therewith so mercilessly that the blood ran. So they cried out lamentably, but ‘twas but sport for the soldiers, who ceased not to saw away till skin and flesh were clean sawn off the bones. Me they let go to my hut, for the last-arrived party knew the way well. And so I know not how they finished with the peasants.

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1#1. Gideon, a soldier in the book of Judges in the Bible, led an army of Israelites against the opposing Midianites. God told Gideon he had too large of an army so Gideon reduced the size several times. Finally Gideon told the men to drink from a river. Gideon kept in his army only those who got down and lapped the water like dogs, which reduced the force to 400 men. This story is often interpreted as showing how God chose the less alert soldiers to magnify the proportions of his victory. “Gideon,” Anchor Bible Dictionary (New York: Double Day, 1992), vol. 2, pp. 1013-1015.
#22. According to the book of Genesis in the Bible, Methuselah lived 969 years and was the oldest man in history. “Gideon,” Anchor Bible Dictionary (New York: Double Day, 1992), vol. 4, pp. 800-801.
#33. Malmsey is a type of sweet wine from made from the Malvasia grape and produced in Monomvasia, a city in southern Greece. Monemvasia, famous for this wine, was a fortress and commercial center in the Middle Ages and thus its wine became world famous. “Monemvasia,” Encyclopedia Britannica (Chicago: Encyclopedia Britannica, Inc., 1997), vol. 8, p. 250. “Malmsey,” Webster’s Third New International Dictionary (Springfield, Mass: Mirriam-Webster, Inc., 1986), p. 1368.
#44. A mattock is a tool used for digging with the blade and handle at right angles, a mixture of an ax and a pick. “Mattock,” The American Heritage Dictionary of the English Language (New York: Dell Publishing Co., 1976), p. 435. “Mattock,” Webster’s Third New International Dictionary (Springfield, Mass: Mirriam-Webster, Inc., 1986), p. 1394.
#55. Timon, a philosopher born around 320 B.C. in northern Peloponnese, Greece, studied with Stilpo at Megara and Phyrron of Elis. First a dancer, he eventually became famous by lecturing and eventually retired to Athens to write. He eventually died around 230 B.C. in Athens, and although none of his complete works survive, some fragments still remain, including prose, tragedies, comedies, poems, and a few sarcastic attacks on the more dogmatic philosophers, called silloi. “Timon,” Encyclopedia Britannica (Chicago: Encyclopedia Britannica, Inc., 1997), vol. 11, p. 782.
6#6.*Viz. "ihnen den Hintern zu lecken." [Goodrick]

Edited By: Carlton Hickok

Chap XV: HOW SIMPLICISSIMUS WAS PLUNDERED, AND HOW HE DREAMED OF THE PEASANTS AND HOW THEY FARED IN TIMES OF WAR
Now when I came home I found that my fireplace and all my poor furniture, together with my store of provisions, which I had grown during the summer in my garden and had kept for the winter, were all gone. "And whither now?" thought I. And then first did need teach me heartily to pray: and I must summon all my small wits together, to devise what I should do. But as my knowledge of the world was both small and evil, I could come to no proper conclusion, only that 'twas best to commend myself to God and to put my whole confidence in Him: for otherwise I must perish. And besides all those things which I had heard and seen that day lay heavy on my mind: and I pondered not so much upon my food and sustenance as upon the enmity which there ever is between soldiers and peasants. Yet could my foolish mind come to no other conclusion that this- that there must of a surety be two races of men in the world, and not one only, descended from Adam, but two, wild and tame, like other unreasoning beasts, and therefore pursuing one another so cruelly.
With such thoughts I fell asleep, for mere misery and cold, with a hungry stomach. Then it seemed to me, as if in a dream, that all the trees which stood round my dwelling suddenly changed and took on another appearance: for on every tree-top sat a trooper, and the trunks were garnished, in place of leaves, with all manner of folk. Of these, some had long lances, others musquets, hangers, halberds[1], flags, and some drums and fifes. Now this was merry to see, for all was neatly distributed and each according to his rank. The roots, moreover, were made up of little worth, as mechanics and labourers, mostly, however, peasants and the like; and these nevertheless gave its strength to the tree and renewed the same when it was lost: yea more, they repaired the loss of any fallen leaves from among themselves to their own great damage: and all the time they lamented over them that sat on the tree, and that with good reason, for the whole weight of the tree lay upon them and pressed them so that all the money was squeezed out of their pockets, yea though it was behind seven locks and keys: but if the money would not out, then did the commissaries so handle them with rods (which thing they call military execution) that sighs came from their heart, tears from their eyes, blood from their nails, and the marrow from their bones. Yet among these were some whom men call light o' heart; and these made but little ado, and took all with a shrug, and in the midst of their torment had, in place of comfort, mockery for every turn.

Chap. XVI : OF THE WAYS AND WOKRS OF SOLDIERS NOWADAYS, AND HOW HARDLY A COMMON SOLDIER GET PROMOTION

So must the roots of these trees suffer and endure toil and misery in the midst of trouble and complaint, and those upon the lower boughs in yet greater hardship: yet these were the last mostly merrier than the first named, yea and moreover, insolent and swaggering, and for the most part godless folk, and for the roots a heavy unbearable burden at all times. And this was the rhyme upon them:

"Hunger and thirst, and cold and heat, and work and

woe, and all we meet;

And deeds of blood and deeds of shame, all may ye

put to the landsknecht's[2] name."

Which rhymes were the less likely to be lyingly invented in that they answered to the facts. For gluttony and drunkenness, hunger and thirst, wenching and dicing and playing, riot and roaring, murdering and being murdered, slaying and being slain, torturing and being tortured, hunting and being hunted, harrying and being harried, robbing and being robbed, frighting and being frighted, causing trouble and suffering trouble, beating and being beaten: in a word hurting and harming, and in turn being hurt and harmed- this was their whole life. And in this career they let nothing hinder them; neither winter nor summer, snow nor ice, heat no cold, rain nor wind, hill nor dale, wet nor dry; ditches, mountain-passes, ramparts and walls, fire and water, were all the same to them. Father nor mother, sister nor brother, no, nor the danger to their own bodies, souls, and consciences, nor even the loss of life and of heaven itself, or aught else that can be named, will ever stand in their way, for ever they toil and moil at their own strange work, till at last, little by little, in battles, sieges, attacks, campaigns, yea, and in their winter quarters too (which are the soldiers' earthly paradise, if they can but happen upon fat peasants) they perish, they die, they rot and consume away, save but a few, who in their old age, unless they have been right thieving robbers, do furnish us with the best of all beggars and vagabonds.

Next above these hard-worked folk sat old henroost-robbers, who, after some years and much peril of their lives, had climbed up the lowest branches and clung to them, and so far had had the luck to escape death. Now these were more serious, and somewhat more dignified that the lowest, in that they were a degree higher ascended: yet above them were some yet higher, who had yet loftier imaginings because they had to command the very lowest. And these people did call coat-beaters, because they were wont to dust the jackets of the poor pikemen, and to give the musketeers oil enough to grease their barrels with.

Just above these the trunk of the tree had an interval or stop, which was a smooth place without branches, greased with all manner of ointments and curious soap of disfavor, so that no man save of noble birth could scale it, in spite of courage and skill and knowledge, God knows how clever he might be. For 'twas polished as smooth as a marble pillar or a steel mirror. Just over that smooth spot sat they with their flags: and of these some were young, some pretty well in years: the young folk their kinsmen had raised so far: the older people had either mounted on a silver ladder which is called the Bribery Backstairs or else on a step which Fortune, for want of a better client, had left for them. A little further up sat higher folk, and these also had their toil and care and annoyance: yet had they this advantage, they could fill their pokes with the fattest slices which they could cut out of the roots, and that with a knife which they called "War-contribution." And these were at their best and happiest when there came a commissary-bird flying overhead, and shook out a whole panfull of gold over the tree to cheer them: for of that they caught as much as they could, and let but little or nothing at all fall to the lowest branches: and so of these last more died of hunger than of the enemy's attacks, from which danger those placed above seemed to be free. Therefore was there a perpetual climbing and swarming going on in those trees; for each would needs sit in those highest and happiest places: yet were there some idle, worthless rascals, not worth their commissariat-bread, who troubled themselves little about higher places, and only did their duty. So the lowest, being ambitious, hoped for the fall of the highest, that they might sit in their place, and if it happened to one among ten thousand of them that he got so far, yet would such good luck come to him only in his miserable old age when he was more fit to sit in the chimney-corner and roast apples than to meet the foe in the field. And if any man dealt honestly and carried himself well, yet was he ever envied by others, and perchance by reason of some unlucky chance of war deprived of both office and of life. And nowhere was this more grievous than at the before-mentioned smooth place on the tree: for there an officer who had had a good sergeant or corporal under him must lose him, however unwillingly, because he was now made an ensign. And for that reason they would take, in place of old soldiers, inkslingers, footmen, overgrown pages, poor noblemen, and at times poor relations, tramps and vagabonds. And these took the very bread out of the mouths of those that had deserved it, and forthwith were made ensigns.

Chap. XVII: HOW IT HAPPENS THAT, WHEREAS IN WAR THE NOBLES ARE EVER PUT BEFORE THE COMMON MEN, TET MANY DO ATTAIN FROM DESPISED RANK TO HIGH HONOURS

All this vexed a sergeant so much that he began loudly to complain: whereupon one Nobilis answered him: "Knowst thou not that at all times our rulers have appointed to the highest offices in time of war those of noble birth as being fittest therefore. For graybeards defeat no foe: were it so, one could send a flock of goats for that employ: we say:

"Choose out a bull that's young and strong to lead

and keep the herd,

For though the veteran be good, the young must

be preferred.

So let the herdsman trust to him, full young though

he appears:

'Tis but a saw and 'tis no law, that wisdom comes

with years."

"Tell me," says he, "thou old cripple, is't not true that nobly born officers be better respected by the soldiery than they that beforetime have been but servants? And what discipline in war can ye find where no respect is? Must not a general trust a gentleman more than a peasant lad that had run away from his father at the plough-tail and so done his own parents no good service? For a proper gentleman, rather than bring reproach upon his family by treason or dissertation or the like, will sooner die with honour. And so 'tis right the gentles should have the first place. So doth Joannes de Platea plainly lay it down that in furnishing of offices the preferences should ever be given to the nobility, and these properly set before all the commons. Such usage is to be found in all codes of laws, and is, moreover, confirmed in Holy Writ: for 'happy is the land whose king is of noble family,' saith Sirach in his tenth chapter: which is a noble testimony to the preference belonging to gentle birth. And even if one of your kidney be a god soldier enough that can smell powder and play his part well in every venture, yet is he not therefore capable of command of others: which quality is natural to gentlemen, or at least customary to them from their youth up. And so saith Seneca, 'A hero's soul hath this property, that 'tis ever alert in search of honour: and no lofty spirit hath pleasure in small and unworthy things.' Moreover, the nobles have more means to furnish their inferior officers with money and to procure recruits for their weak companies than a peasant. And so to follow the common proverb, it were not well to put the boor above the gentleman; yea, and the boors would soon become too high-minded if they be made lords straightaway; for men say;

"'Where will ye find a sharper sword, than peasant

churl that's made a lord?"

"Now had peasants, by reason of long and respectable custom, possessed all offices in war and elsewhere, of a surety they would have let no gentleman into such. Yea, and besides, though ye soldiers of Fortune, as ye call yourselves, be often willingly helped to raise yourselves to higher ranks, yet ye are commonly so worn out that when they try you and would find you a better place, they must hesitate to promote you; for the heat of your youth is cooled down and your only thought is how ye can tend and take care for your sick bodies which, by reason of much and hardships, be cripple and of little use for war: yea and a young dog is better for hunting than an old lion."

Then answered the old sergeant, "And what fool would be a soldier, if he might not hope by his good conduct to be promoted, and so rewarded for faithful service? Devil take such a war as that! For so 'tis all the same whether a man behave himself well or ill! Often did I hear our old colonel say he wanted no soldier in his regiment that had not the firm intention to become a general by his good conduct. And all the world must acknowledge that' tis those nations which promote common soldiers, that are good solders too, that win victories, as may be seen in the case of the Turks and Persians; so says the verse

"Thy lamp is bright: yet feed it well with oil: an

thou dost not the flame sinks down and dies.

So by reward repay the soldiers toil, for service

brave demands its pay likewise.'"

The answered Nobilis: "If we see brave qualities and in an honest man, we shall not overlook them: for at this very time see how many there be who from the plough, from the needle, from shoemaking, and from shepherding have done well by themselves, and by such bravery have raised themselves up farer above the poorer nobility to the ranks of counts and barons. Who was the Imperialist John de Werth? Who was the Swede Stahans? Who were the Hessians, Little Jakob and St. Andre? Of their kind there were many yet well known whom I, for brevity's sake, forbear to mention. So it is nothing new in the present time, nor will it be otherwise in the future, that honest men attain by war to great honours, as happened also amongst the ancients. Tamburlaine[3] became a mighty king and terror of the whole world, which was before but a swineherd: Agathocles, King of Sicily, was son of a potter; Emperor Valentinian's father was a ropemaker; Maurice the Cappodian, a slave, was emperor after Tiberius II; Justin, that reigned before Justinian, was before he was emperor a swineherd; Hugh Capet[4], a butcher's con, was afterward King of France; Pizarro likewise a swineherd, which afterward was marquis in the West Indies, where he had to weigh out his gold in hundred-weights."

The sergeant answered: "All this sounds fair enough for my purpose: yet well I see that the doors by which we might win to many dignities be shut against us by the nobility. For as soon as he is crept out of his shell, forthwith your nobleman is clapped into such a position as we cannot venture to set our thoughts upon, howbeit we have done more than many a noble who is now appointed a colonel. And just as among the peasants many noble talents perish for want of a means to keep a lad at his studies, so many a brave soldier grows old under the weight of a musquet, that more properly deserved a regiment and could have tendered great services to his general."

Chap. XVIII: HOW SIMPLICISSIMUS TOOK HIS FIRST STEP INTO THE WORLD AND THAT WITH EVIL LUCK

I cared no longer to listen to this old ass, but grudges him not for his complaints, for often he himself had beaten poor soldiers like dogs. I turned again to the trees whereof the whole land was full and saw how they swayed and smote against each other: and the fellows tumbled off them in batches. Now a crack; now a fall. One moment quick, the next dead. In a moment one lost an arm, another a leg, the third his head. And as I looked me thought all the trees I saw were but one tree, at whose top sat the war-god Mars, and which covered with its branches all Europe. It seemed to me this tree could have overshadowed the whole world: but because it was blown about by envy and hate, by suspicion and unfairness, by pride and haughtiness and avarice, and other such fair virtues, as by the bitter north winds, therefore it seemed thin and transparent: for which reason one had writ on its trunk these rhymes:

"The holmoak by the wind beset and brought to ruin,

Breaks its own branches down and proves its own

undoing.

By civil war within and brothers' deadly feud

All's topsy-turvy turned and misery hath ensued."

By the mighty roaring of these cruel winds and the noise of the breaking of the tree itself I was awoke from my sleep, and found myself alone in my hut. Then did I again begin to ponder what I should do. For to remain in the wood was impossible, since I had been so utterly despoiled that I could not keep myself: nothing remained to me but a few books which lay strewn about in confusion. And when with my weeping eyes I took these up to read, calling earnestly upon God that He would lead and guide me whither I should go, I found by chance a letter which my hermit had written in his lifetime, and this was the content of it. "Beloved Simplicissimus, when thou findest this letter, go forthwith out of the forest and save thyself and the pastor from present troubles: for he hath done me much good. God, whom thou must at all times have before thine eyes and earnestly pray to, will bring thee to the place where it is best for thee. Only keep Him ever in thy sight and be diligent ever to serve Him as if thou wert still in my presence in the wood. Consider and follow without ceasing my last words, and so mayest thou stand firm. Farewell."

I kissed this letter and the hermit's grave many thousand times, and started on my way to seek for mankind. Yet before I could find them I journeyed on for two whole days, and when night overtook me, sought out a hollow tree for my shelter, and my food was naught but beech-nuts which I picked up on the way: but on the third day I came to a pretty open field near Gelnhausen, and there I enjoyed a veritable banquet, for the whole place was full of wheatsheaves which the peasants, being frightened away after the great battle of Nordlingen[5], had for my good fortune not been able to carry off. Inside a sheaf, I set up my tent, for 'twas cruel cold, and filled my belly with the ears of corn which I rubbed in my hands: and such a meal I had not enjoyed for a long time.

Chap. XIX: HOW SIMPICISSIMUS WAS CAPTURED BY HANAU AND HANAU BY SIMPLICISSIMUS

When 'twas day I fed myself again with wheat, and thereafter betook myself to Gelnhausen and there I found the gates open and partly burnt, yet half barricaded with dung. So I went in, but was ware of no living creature there. Indeed the streets were strewn here and there with dead, some of whom were stripped to their shirts, some stark naked. This was a terrifying spectacle, as any man can imagine. I, in my simplicity, could not guess what mishap had brought the place to such a plight. But not long after I learned that the Imperialists had surprised a few of Weimar's folk there. And hardly had I gone two-stones' throw into the town when I had seen enough: so I turned me about and went across the meadows, and presently I came to a good road which brought me to the fine fortress of Hanau. When I came to the first sentries I tried to pass; but two musqueteers made at me, who seized me and took me off to their guard room.

Now must I first describe to the reader my many wonderful dress at that time, before I tell him how I fared further. For my clothing and behaviour were altogether so strange, astonishing, and uncouth, that the governor had my picture painted. Firstly, my hair had for two years and a half never been cut either Greek, German, or French fashion, nor combed, nor curled, nor puffed, but stood in its natural wildness with more than a year's dust strewn on it instead of hair plunder or powder, or whatever they call the fools' work and that so prettily that I looked with my pale face underneath it, lie a great white owl that is about to bite or else watching for a mouse. And because I was so accustomed at all times to go bareheaded and my hair was curly, I had the look of wearing a Turkish turban. The rest of my garb answered to my head-gear; for I had on my hermit's coat, if I may now call it a coat at all, for the stuff out of which 'twas fashioned at first was now clean gone and nothing more remaining of it but the shape, which more than a thousand little patches of all colours, some put side by side, some sewn upon one another with manifold stitches, still represented. Over his decayed and yet often improved coat I wore the hair-shirt mantle-fashion, for I needed the sleeves for breeches and had cut them off for that purpose. But my whole body was girt about with iron chains, most deftly disposed cross-wise behind and before like the pictures of St. William; so that all together made up a figure like them that have once been captured by the Turks and now wander through the land begging for their friends still in captivity. My shoes were cut out of wood and the laces woven out of strips of lime-bark: and my feet looked like boiled lobsters, as I had had on the stockings of the Spanish national colour or had dyed my skin with logwood. In truth I believe that any conjurer, mountebank, or stroller had had me and given me out for a Samoyede[6] or a Greenlander, he would have found many a fool that would have wasted a Kreutzer on me. Yet though any man in his wits could easily conclude, from my thin and starved looks and my decayed clothes, I came neither from a cook-shop nor a lady's bower, and still less had played truant from any great lord's court, nevertheless I was strictly examined in the guard-room, and even as the soldiers gaped at me so was I filled with wonder at the mad apparel of their officer to whom I must answer and give account. I knew not if it were he or she: for he wore his hair and beard French fashion, with long tails hanging down on each side like horse-tails, and his beard was so miserably handled and mutilated, that between mouth and nose there were but a few hairs, and those had come off so ill that one could scarce see them. And not less did his wide breeches leave me in no small doubt of his sex, being such that they were as like women's petticoats as a man's breeches. So i thought, if this be a man he should have a proper beard, since the rogue is not so young as he pretends: but if a woman, why hath the old witch so much stubble round her mouth? Sure 'is a woman, thought I, for no honest man would ever let his beard be so lamentably bedeviled, seeing that even goats for pure shamefacedness venture not a step among a strange flock when their beards are clipped. So as I stood there in doubt, knowing not of modern fashions, at last I held he was a man and woman at once. And this mannish woman had me thoroughly searched, but could find nothing on me but a little book of birch-bark wherein I had written down my daily prayers, and had also left the letter which my pious hermit, as I have said in the last chapter, had bequeathed me for his farewell: that he took from me: but I, being loath to part from it, fell down before him and clasped both his knees and, "O my good Hermaphrodite," says I, "leave me my little prayer-book." "Thou fool," he answered, "who the devil told thee my name was Hermann?" And therewith commanded two soldiers to lead me to the Governor, giving them the book to take with them: for indeed this fop, as I at did note, could neither read nor write himself.

So I was led into the town, and all ran together as if a sea-monster were on show; and according as each once regarded me so each made something different out of me. Some deemed me a spy, others a wild man, and some even a spirit, a spectre, or a monster that should portend some strange happening. Some, too, there were that counted me a mere fool, and they had indeed come nearest to the mark had I not had the knowledge of God our father.

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[1]Hanger- May refer to a small sword, but most likely here refers to a leather strap by which a dagger hung from a sword belt.. Halbert- Middle High German “Helmbarte”, a popular weapon in the 15th and 16th Centuries, the halbert consisted of a battle-axe and pike fixed to a six-foot long handle. Webster's Third New International Dictionary, G & C Merriam Co. Springfield, Mass. 1976 (P. 1021 / 1029)
[2]Landsknecht- the term “landsnechte”, which translates literally to “servant of the country” was first coined in 1470 by the recorder for Charles the Bold of Burgandy. The term was used to refer to Northern mercenary soldiers in countries such as Baden Wurttemburg, Alsace, and Austrian Tyrol, which were part of the Holy Roman Empire at the time and which are included in Northern Germany today. Webster's Third New International Dictionary, G & C Merriam Co. Springfield, Mass. 1976 (P. 1270).
[3]Tamburlane- “Timur the Lame” Mongol conqueror of the Islamic faith, whose Turkic and Mongol army took part in brutal conquests from India and Russia to the Mediterranean Sea, eventually securing an Empire which stretched from Syria to India. He was the son of a tribal leader and boasted that he was descended from Chingiz Khan. He was also the subject of a popular play by Christopher Marlowe. Boyle, John Andrew, Encyclopedia Americana 2000 Edition, Vol. 26 (P. 765)
[4]Hugh Capet- (938-996) After the last Carolingian king Charles I died in 987, Hugh Capet became the first of the Royal Capetians to rule France. Capetians ruled from 987 to 1328; branches of the family (specifically, the Valois and Bourbon) ruled until the end of the monarchy in the nineteenth century. Hamil, Fred C; Collier's Encyclopedia 1996 Edition, Vol. 5, Collier's, New York, N.Y. (P. 374)
[5]Battle of Nördlingen (1634)- A particularly significant and bloody battle in the Thirty Years’ War in which Imperial troops under Gallas defeated Swedish troops led by Duke Bernhardt of Saxe-Weimar. The battle turned the balance of power against the Swedes and led France to enter the war. Bebb, Phillip N.; World Book Encyclopedia 1999 Edition, Vol. 19, World Book Inc. Chicago, Il. (P. 259)
[6]Samoyede- A word dating to 1589, denoting a person from a group that inhabited the northern parts of European Russia or northwestern Siberia. Also used to denote any of the Uralic languages. From the Russian word meaning "self eater". Webster's Third New International Dictionary, G & C Merriam Co. Springfield, Mass, 1976 (P. 2008)

Edited by Riley Haggin

Chap.XX: IN WHAT WISE HE WAS SAVED FROM PRISON AND TORTURE

Now when I was brought before the Governor he asked me whence I came. I said I knew not. Then said he again “Whither wilt thou?” and again I answered, “I know not.” “What the devil dost thou know, then?” says he, “What is thy business?” I answered as before, I knew not. He asked, “Where dost thou dwell?” and as I again answered I knew not, his countenance was changed, I know not whether from anger or astonishment. But inasmuch as every man is wont to suspect evil, and specially the enemy being in the neighbourhood, having just, as above narrated, captured Gelnhausen and therein put to shame a whole regiment of dragoons, he agreed with them that held me for a traitor or a spy and ordered that I should be searched. But when he learned from the soldiers of the watch that this was already done, and nothing more found on me than the book there present which they delivered to him, he read a line or two therein and asked who had given me the book. I answered it was mine from the beginning: for I had made it and written it. Then he asked, “Why upon birch-bark?” I answered, because the bark of other trees was not fitted therefore. “Thou rascal,” says he, “I ask why thou didst not write on paper.” “Oh!” I answered him, “we had none in the wood.” The governor asked, “Where in what wood?” And again I paid him in my old coin and said I did not know. Then the governor turned to some of his officers that waited on him and said, “Either this is an archrogue, or else a fool: and a fool he cannot be, that can write so well.” And as he spake, he turned over the leaves to shew them my fine handwriting, and that so sharply the hermit’s letter fell out: and this he had picked up, while I turned pale, for that I held for my chiefest treasure and holy relic. That the Governor noted and conceived yet greater suspicion of treason, specially when he has opened and read the letter, “for,” says he, “I surely know this hand and know that it is written by an officer well known to me: yet can I not remember by whom.” Also the contents seemed to him strange and not to be understood: for he said, “this is without a doubt a concerted language, which none other can understand save him to whom it is imparted.” Then asking me my name, when I said Simplicissimus, “Yes, yes,” says he, “thou art one of the right kidney.1 Away, away: put him at once in irons, hand and foot.”
So the two before-mentioned soldiers marched off with me to my bespoken lodging, namely, the lock-up, and handed me over to the gaoler, which, in accordance with his orders, adorned me with iron bands and chains on hands and feet, as if I had not had enough to carry with those that I had already bound round my body. Nor was this way of welcoming me enough for the world, but there must come hangmen and their satellites, with horrible instruments or torture, which made my wretched plight truly grievous, though I could comfort myself with my innocence. “O! God!” says I to myself, “how am I rightly served! To this end did Simplicissimus run from the service of God into the world, that such a misbirth of Christianity should receive the just reward which he hath deserved for his wantonness! O, thou unhappy Simplicissimus, whither hath thine ingratitude led thee! Lo, God hath hardly brought thee to the knowledge of Him and into His service when thou, counterwise, must run off from his employ and turn thy back on Him. Couldest thou not go on eating of acorns and beans as before, and so serving thy Creator? Didst thou not know that thy faithful hermit and teacher had fled from the world and chosen the wilderness? O stupid stock, thou didst leave it in the hope to satisfy thy loose desire to see the world. And behold, while thou thinkest to feed thine eyes, thou must in this maze of dangers perish and be destroyed, Couldest thou not, unwise creature, understand before this, that thy ever-blessed teacher would have never left the world for that hard life which he led in the desert, if he hoped to find in the world true peace, and real rest, and eternal salvation? O poor Simplicissimus, go thy way and receive the reward of the idle thoughts thou hast cherished and thy presumptuous folly. Thou hast no wrong to complain of, neither any innocence to comfort thee with, for thou hast hastened to meet thine own torment and the death to follow thereafter.” So I bewailed myself, and besought God for forgiveness and commended my soul to Him. In the meanwhile we drew near to the prison, and when my need was the greatest then was God’s help nearest: for as I was surrounded with a great multitude of folk to wait till it was opened and I could be thrust in lo, my good pastor, whose village had so lately been plundered and burned, must also see what was toward (himself being also under arrest). So as he looked out of window and saw me, he cried loudly, “O Simplicissimus, is it thou?”

When this I heard and saw, I could not help myself, but must lift up both hands to him and cry, “O father, father, father.” So he asked what had I done. I answered, I knew not: they had brought me there of a certainty because I had deserted from the forest. But when he learned from the bystanders that they took me for a spy, he begged they would make a stay with me till he had explained my case to the Lord Governor, for that would be of use for my deliverance and for his, and so would hinder the Governor from dealing wrongfully with both of us, since he knew me better than could any man.

Chap. XXI: HOW TREACHEROUS DAME FORTUNE CAST ON SIMPLICISSIMUS A FRIENDLY GLANCE

So ‘twas allowed him to go to the Governor, and a half-hour thereafter I was fetched out likewise and put in the servitor’s room, where were already two tailors, a shoemaker with shoes, a haberdasher2 with stockings and hats, and another with all manner of apparel, so that I might forthwith be clothed. Then took they off my coat, chains and all, and the hair-shirt, by which the tailors could take their measure aright: next appeared a barber with his lather and his sweet-smelling soaps, but even as he would exercise his art upon me came another order which did grievously terrify me: for it ran, I should put on my old clothes again. Yet ‘twas not so ill meant as I feared: for there came presently a painter with all his colours, namely vermilion and cinnabar for my eyelids, indigo and ultramarine for my coral lips, gamboge and ochre and yellow lead for my white teeth, which I was licking for sheer hunger, and lamp-black and burnt unber for my golden hair, white lead for my terrible eyes and every kind of paint for my weather-coloured coat: also had he a whole handful of brushes. This fellow began to gaze upon me, to take a sketch, to lay in a background and to hang his head on one side, the better to compare his work exactly with my figure: now he changed the eyes, now the hair, presently the nostrils; and, in a word, all he had not at first done aright, till at length he had executed a model true to nature; for a model Simplicissimus was. And not till then might the barber whisk his razor over me: who twitched my head this way and that and spent full an hour and a half over my hair: and thereafter trimmed it in the fashion of that day: for I had hair enough and to spare. After that he brought me to a bathroom and cleansed my thin, starved body from more than three or four years’ dirt. And scarce was he ended when they brought me a white shirt, shoes and stockings, together with a ruff or collar, and hat and feather. Like wise the breeches were finely made and trimmed with gold lace; so all that was wanted was the cloak, and upon that the tailors were at work with all haste. Then came the cook with a strong broth and the maid with a cup of drink: and there sat my lord Simplicissimus like a young count, in the best of tempers. And I ate heartily though I knew not what they would do with me; for as yet I had never heard of the “condemned man’s supper,” and therefore the partaking of this glorious first meal was to me so pleasant and sweet that I cannot sufficiently express, declare, and boast of it to mankind; yea, hardly do I believe I ever tasted greater pleasure in my life than then. So when the cloak was ready I put it on, and in this new apparel shewed such an awkward figure that it might seem one had dressed up a hedge-stake: for the tailors had been ordered of intent to make the clothes too big for me, in the hope I should presently put more flesh on, which, considering the excellence of my feeding, seemed like to happen, But my forest dress, together with the chains and all appurtenances, were conveyed away to the museum, there to be added to other rare objects and antiquities, and my portrait, of life size, was set hard by.

So after his supper, his lordship myself was put to bed in such a bed as I had never seen or heard of in my dad’s house or while I dwelt with my hermit: yet did my belly so growl and grumble the whole night through that I could not sleep, perchance for no other reason than that it knew not yet what was good or because it wondered at the delightful new foods which had been given to it: but for me, I lay there quiet until the sweet sun shone bright again (for ‘twas cold) and reflected what strange adventures I has passed through in a few days, and how God my Father had so truly helped me and brought me into so goodly an heritage.

Chap. XXII: WHO THE HERMIT WAS BY WHOM SIMPLICISSIMUS WAS CHERISHED

The same morning the Governor’s chamberlain commanded me, I should go to the before-mentioned pastor, and there learn what his lordship had said to him in my affair. Likewise he sent an orderly to bring me to him. Then the pastor took me into his library, and there he sat down and bade me also sit down, and says he, “My good Simplicissimus, that same hermit with whom thou didst dwell in the wood was not only the Lord Governor’s brother-in-law, but also his staunch supporter in war and his chiefest friend. As it pleased the Governor to tell me, the same from his youth up had never failed either in the bravery of an heroical soldier nor in that godliness and piety which became the holiest of me: which two virtues it is not usual to find united. Yet his spiritual mind, coupled with adverse circumstances, so checked the course of his earthly happiness that he rejected his nobility and resigned certain fine estates in Scotland where he was born, and despised such because all worldly affairs now seemed to him vain, foolish, and contemptible. In a word, he hoped to exchange his earthly eminence for a better glory to come, for his noble spirit had a disgust at all temporal display, and all his thoughts and desires were set on that poor miserable life wherein thou didst find him in the forest and wherein thou didst bear him company till his death. “And in my opinion,” said the pastor, “he had been seduced thereto by his reading of many popish books concerning the lives of the ancient eremites.3 Yet will I not conceal from thee how he came into the Spessart,4 and, in accord with his wish, into such a miserable hermit’s life, that thou mayest hereafter be able to tell others thereof: for the second night after that bloody battle of Hochst5 was lost, he came alone and unattended to my parsonage-house, even as I, my wife, and children were fallen asleep, and that towards morning, for because of the noise all over the country which both pursuers and pursued are wont to make in such cases, we had been awake all the night before and half of this present one. At first he knocked gently, and then sharply enough, till he wakened me and my sleep-drunken folk: and when I at his request, and after short exchange of words, which was on both sides full cautious, had opened the door, I saw the cavalier dismount from his mettlesome seed. His costly clothing was as thickly sprinkled with the blood of his enemies as it was decked with gold and silver; and inasmuch as he still held his drawn sword in his hand, fear and terror came upon me. Yet when he sheathed his sword and shewed nothing but courtesy I must wonder that so noble a gentleman should so humbly beg a poor village pastor for shelter. And by reason of his handsome person and his noble carriage I addressed myself to him as to the Count of Mansfield himself; but said he, he could for this once be not only compared to the Count of Mansfield in respect of ill fortune but even preferred before him. Three things did he lament: first, the loss of his lady, and her near her delivery, and then the loss of his battle; and last of all, that he had not had the luck to die therein, as did other honest soldiers, for the Evangelical cause. Then would I comfort him, but saw that his noble heart needed no comfort: so I set before him what the house afforded and bade them make for him a soldier’s bed of clean straw, for in no other would he lie though much he needed rest. The next morning, the first thing he did was to give me his horse and his money (of which he had with him no mean sum in gold), and did share divers costly rings among my wife, children, and servants. This could I not understand in him, seeing that soldiers be wont far rather to take than to give: and therefore I had doubts whether to receive so great presents, and gave as a pretext that I had not deserved do much from him nor could again repay him: besides, said I, if folk saw such riches, and specially the splendid horse, which could not be hid, in my possession, many would conclude I had robbed or murdered him. But he said I should live without care on that score, for he would protect me from such danger with his own handwriting, yea, and he would desire to carry away out of my parsonage not even his shirt, let alone his clothes: and therewith he opened his design to become a hermit. I fought against that with might and main, for methought such a plan smacked of Popery, reminding him that he could serve the Gospel more with his sword, but in vain: for he argued so long and stoutly with me that as last I gave in and provided him with those books, pictures, and furniture which thou didst find in his hut. Yet would he take nothing in return for all that he had presented to me save only the coverlet of wool, under which he had slept on the straw that night: and out of that he has a coat made. And my wagon chains (those which he always wore) must I exchange with him for a golden one whereon he wore his lady’s portrait, so that he kept for himself neither money nor money’s worth. Then my servant led him to the wildest part of the wood, and there helped him to build his hut. And in what manner he there spent his life, and with what help at times I did assist him, thou knowest as well as I, yea, in part better.

“Now when lately the Battle of Nordlingen6 was lost and I, as thou knowest, was clean stripped of all and also evilly handled, I fled hither for safety; besides, I had here my chief possessions. And when my ready money was about to fail me, I took three rings and the before-mentioned chain, together with the portrait that I had from the hermit, among which was his signet-ring, and took them to a Jew, to turn them into money. But he, on account of their value and fine workmanship, took them to the Governor to sell, who forthwith knew the arms and portrait, and sent for me and asked where I had gotten such treasures. So I told him the truth and shewed him the hermit’s handwriting or the deed of gift, and narrated to him all his story; also how he had lived and died in the wood. Such a tale he could not believe, but put me under arrest, till he could better learn the truth; and while he was at work sending out a party to take a survey of the dwelling and to fetch thee hither, here I beheld thee brought to the tower. Now seeing that the Governor hath no longer cause to doubt of my story, and seeing that I can call witness the place where the hermit dwelt, and likewise thee and other living deponents, and most of all my sexton, which so often admitted thee and him to the church before day, and specially since the letter which he found in thy book of prayer doth afford an excellent testimony not only of the truth, but of the late hermit’s holiness: therefore he will shew favour to me and thee for the sake of his dear departed brother-in-law. And now hast thou only to decide what thou wouldest he should do for thee. An thou wilt study, he pays the cost: desirest thou to learn a trade, he will have thee taught one: but if thou wilt stay with him he will hold thee as his own child: for he said if even a dog came to him from his departed brother-in-law he would cherish it.” So I answered, ‘twas all one to me what the Lord Governor would do with me.

Chap. XXIII: HOW SIMPLICISSIMUS BECAME A PAGE: AND LIKEWISE, HOW THE HERMIT’S WIFE WAS LOST

Now did the pastor keep me at his lodging till ten of the clock before he would go with me to the Governor, to tell him of my resolve; for so could he be his guest at dinner: for the Governor kept open house: ‘tis true Hanau7 was then blockaded, and with the common folk times were so hard (especially with them that had fled for refuge to the fortress) that some who seemed to themselves to be somewhat, were not ashamed to pick up the frozen turnip-peelings in the streets, which the rich had cast way. And my pastor was so lucky that he got to sit by the Governor at the head of the table, while I waited on them with a plate in my hand as the chamberlain taught me, to which business I was as well fitted as an ass to play chess. Yet my pastor made good with his tongue what the awkwardness of my person failed in. For he said I had been reared in the wilderness, and had never dwelt among men, and therefore must be excused, because I could not yet know how to carry myself: yet the faithfulness I had shewn to the hermit and the hard life I had endured with him were wonderful, and that alone deserved that folk should not only have patience with my awkwardness but should even put me before the finest young nobleman. Furthermore, he related how the hermit had found all his joy in me because, as he often said, I was so like in face to his dear lady, and that he had often marveled at my steadfastness and unchangeable will to remain with him, as also at many other virtues which he praised in me. Lastly, he could not enough declare with what earnest fervency the hermit had, just before his death, commended me to him (the pastor) and had confessed he loved me as his own child. This tickled my ears so much that methought I had already received satisfaction enough for all I had endured with the hermit.

Then the Governor asked, did not his late brother-in-law know he was commandant of Hanau. “Yea, truly,” answered as coldly (yet with a joyful face and a gentle smile) as he had never known any Ramsay, so that even now when I think thereupon, I must wonder at this man’s resolution and firm purpose, that he could bring his heart to this: not only to renounce the world but even to put out of his mind his best friend, when he had him close at hand.”

Then were the Governor’s eyes full of tears, who yet had no soft woman’s heart but was a brave and heroical soldier; and says he, “Had I known he was yet alive and where he was to be found, I would have had him fetched even against his will, that I might repay his kindnesses: but since Fortune hath denied me that, I will in his place cherish his Simplicissimus.” And “Ah!” says he again, “the good cavalier had cause enough to lament his wife, great with child as she was; for in the pursuit she was captured by a party of Imperialist troopers, and that too in the Spessart. Which when I heard, and knew not but that my brother-in-law was slain at Hochst, at once I sent a trumpeter to the enemy to ask for my sister and ransom her: yet got no more thereby than to learn the said party of troopers had been scattered in the Spessart by a few peasants, and that in that fight my sister had again been lost to them, so that to this hour I know not what became of her.” This and the like made up the table-talk of the Governor and the pastor regarding my hermit and his lady-wife: which pair were the more pitied because they had enjoyed each other’s love but a year. But as to me, I became the Governor’s page, and so fine a fellow that the people, specially the peasants when I must announce them to my master, called me the young lord already: though indeed one seldom sees a youngster that hath been a lord, but oftentimes lords that have been youngsters.

**********

1. Kidney, in addition to referring to the organ, was also used to refer to the temperament, nature, kind, class and sort of a person. "Kidney," The Oxford English Dictionary (Oxford: Claredon Press, 1989), vol. 8, p. 424.
2.A haberdasher sold a wide varitey of goods, which are now sold through separate trades. In the sixteenth century haberdasher usually referred to a dealer or maker of caps and hats. "Haberdasher," The Oxford English Dictionary (Oxford: Claredon Press, 1989), vol. 6, p. 991.
3.Eremitism is a type of religious life characterized by solitariness. It usually refers to monastic life, but can also be used to describe the life of a religious hermit. This lifestyle originated in India, but was later embraced by some early Christians. Christians who followed this lifestyle took Jesus's advice to abandon all worldly things literally, but they usually evoked the name of John the Baptist or Elijah since Jesus did not advocate this solitary lifestyle. The first influential Christian eremitic was Anthony, who was born around 250 AD. After Anthony's death, his life inspired a new religious genre. "Eremitism," The Encyclopedia of Religion (New York: MacMillian Publishing Company, 1987), vol. 5, p.137-141.
4.The Spessart is a German mountain range located slightly southeast of modern day Frankfurt and Hanau. "Spessart," The World Book Atlas (Chicago: World Book, Inc., 1986), p. 120.
5.On June 22, 1622 a decisive battle of the Thirty Years' War took place at Hochst. The Catholic Imperialist troops defeated the Protestant Palatinate troops with minimal losses. The Palatinates, on the other hand, lost 12,000 men, who were either killed, wounded or taken prisoner. "Hochst, Thirty Years' War," Dictionary of Battles (New York: Stein and Day, 1971), p. 130.
6.At Nordlingen, a city in southern Germany, another decisive battle of the Thirty Years' War occurred on September 5-6, 1634. The coalition of the Holy Roman Empire and the Spanish beat the Swedes, ending Swedish domination of southern Germany. The outcome of this battle of forced Cardinal Richelieu to actively bring France into the war. "Nordlingen, Battle of," Encyclopedia Britannica (Chicago: Encyclopedia Britannica, Inc., 1997), vol. 8, p. 761.
7.Hanau is a port in central Germany, east of Frankfurt. It is on the right bank of the Main Canal and is at the mouth of the Kinzing. The town was chartered in 1303. "Hanau," Encyclopedia Britannica (Chicago: Encyclopedia Britannica, Inc., 1997), vol. 5, p. 676.

Edited by Brendan Gaffney

Chap.XXIV : HOW SIMPLICISSIMUS BLAMED THE WORLD AND SAW MANY IDOLS THEREIN

Now at that time I had no precious possession save only a clear conscience and a right pious mind, and that clad and surrounded with the purest innocence and simplicity. Of vice I knew no more than that I had at times heard it spoken of or read of it, and if I saw any man commit such sin then was it to me a fearful and a terrible thing, I being so brought up and reared as to have the presence of God to His holy will: and inasmuch as I knew all this, I could not but compare men’s ways and works with that same will: and methought I saw naught but vileness. Lord God! How did I wonder at the first when I considered the law and the Gospel and the faithful warnings of Christ, and saw, on the contrary part, the deeds of them that gave themselves out to be His disciples and followers! In place of the straight forward dealing which every true Christian should have, I found mere hypocrisy; and besides, such numberless follies among all dwellers in the world that I must needs doubt whether I saw before me Christians or not. For though I could see well that many had a serious knowledge of God’s will: yet could I mark but little serious purpose to fulfil the same. So had I a thousand puzzles and strange thoughts in my mind, and fell into grievous difficulty upon that saying of Christ, which saith, “Judge not, that ye be not judged.” Nevertheless there came into my mind the words of St. Paul in the fifth chapter of Galatians1, where he saith: “The works of the fresh are manifest, which are these: adultery, fornication, uncleanness, lasciviousness,” and so on: “of the which I tell you before as I have also told you in time past, that they which do such things shall not inherit the kingdom of God.” Then I thought: every man doeth all these things openly: Wherefore then should I not in this matter conclude from the apostle’s word that there shall be few that are saved?

Moreover, pride and greed with their worthy accompaniments, gorging and swilling and loose living, were a daily occupation for them of substance: yet what did seem to me most terrible of all was this shameful thing, that some, and specially soldiers, in whose case vice is not wont to be severely punished, should make of both these things, their own godlessness and God’s holy will, a mere jest. For example, I heard once an adulterer which after his deed of shame accomplished would treat thereof, and spake these godless words: “It serves the cowardly cuckold aright,” says he, “to get a pair of horns from me: and if I confess the truth, I did the thing more to vex the husband than to please the wife, and so to be revenged on them.”

“O pitiful revenge!” says one honest heart that stood by, “by which a man staineth his own conscience and gaineth the shameful name of adulterer and fornicator!”

“What! Fornicator!” answered he, with a scornful laughter, “I am no fornicator because I have given this marriage a twist: a fornicator is he that the sixth commandment* speaks of, where it forbids that any man get into another’s garden and nick the fruit before the owner.” How to prove that this was so to be understood, he forthwith explained according to his devil’s catechism the seventh commandment, wherein it is said, “Thou shalt not steal.” And of suck words he used many, so that I sighed within myself and though, “O God-blaspheming sinner, though callest thyself a marriage-twister: and so then God must be a marriage-breaker, seeing that He doth separate man and wife by death.” And out of mine overflowing zeal and anger I said to him, officer though he was, “Thinkest thou not, thou sinnest more with these godless words than by thine act of adultery.” So he answered me, “Thou rascal, must I give thee a buffet or two?” Yea, kand I believe I had received a handsome couple of such if the fellow had not stood in fear of my lord. So I held my peace and thereafter I marked it was no rare case for single fold to cast eyes upon wedded folk and wedded fold upon such as were unwedded.

Now while I was yet studying, under my good hermit’s care, the way to eternal life, I much wondered why God had so straitly forbidden idolatry to his people: for I imagined, if any one had ever known the true and eternal God, he would never again honour and pray to any other, and so in my stupid mind I resolved that this commandment was unnecessary and vain. But ah! Fool as I was, I knew not what I thought I knew: for no sooner was I come into the great world, than I marked how (in spite of this commandment) wellnigh every man had his special idol: yet some had more than the old and new heathen themselves. Some had their god in their money-bags, upon which they put all their trust and confidence: many a one had his idol at court and trusted wholly and entirely on him: which idol was but a minion and often even such a pitiable lickspittle as his worshipper himself; for his airy godhead depended only on the April weather of a prince’s smile: others found their idol in popularity, and fancied, if they could but attain to that they would themselves be demi-gods. Yet others had their gods in their head, namely, those to whom the true God had granted a sound brain, so that whom the true God had granted a sound brain, so that they were able to learn certain arts and sciences: for these forgot the great Giver and looked only to the gift, in the hope that gift would procure them all prosperity. Yea, and there were many whose god was but their own belly, to which they daily offered sacrifice, as once the heathen did to Bacchus2 and Ceres3, and when that god shewed himself unkind or when human failings shewed themselves in him, these miserable folk then made a god of their physician, and sought for their life’s prolongation in the apothecary’s shop, wherefrom they were more often sped on their way to death. And many fools made goddesses for themselves out of flattering harlots: these they called all manner of outlandish names, worshipped them day and night with many thousand sighs, and made songs upon them which contained naught but praise of them, together with a humble prayer they would have mercy upon their folly and become as great fools as were their suitors.

Contrariwise were there women which had made their own beauty their idol. For this, they thought, will give me my livelihood, let God in heaven say what He will. And this idol was every day, in place of other offerings, adorned and sustained with paint, ointments, waters, powders, and the like daubs.

There too I saw some which held houses luckily situated as their gods: for they said, so long as they had lived therein had they ever had health and wealth: and many said these had tumbled in through their windows. At this folly I did more especially wonder because I would well perceive the reason why the inhabitants so prospered. I knew one man who for some years could never sleep by reason of this trade in tobacco; for to this he had given up his heart, mind and soul, which should be dedicated to God alone: and to this idol he sent up night and day a thousand sighs for ‘twas by that he made his way in life. Yet what did happen? The fool died and vanished like his own tobacco-smoke. Then thought I, O thou miserable man: Had but thy soul’s happiness and the honour of the true God been so dear to thee as thine idol, which stands upon thy shop-sign in the shape of a Brazilian, with a roll of tobacco under his arm and a pipe in his mouth, then am I sure and certain that thou hadst won a noble crown of honour to wear in the next world.

Another ass had yet more pitiful idols: for when in a great company it was being told by each how he had been fed and sustained during the great famine and scarcity of food, this fellow said in plain German: the snails and frogs had been his gods: for want of them he must have died of hunger. So I asked him what then had God Himself been to him, who had provided such insects for his sustenance. The poor creature could answer nothing and I wondered the more more because I had never read that either the old idolatrous Egyptians or the new American savages ever called such vermin their gods, as did this prater.

I once went with a person of quality into his museum, wherein were fine curiosities: but among all none pleased me better than an “Ecce Homo”4 by reason of its moving portraiture, by which it stirred the spectator at once to sympathy. By it there hung a paper picture painted in China, whereon were Chinese idols sitting in their majesty, and some in shape like devils. So the master of the house asked me which piece in this gallery pleased me most. And when I pointed to the said “Ecce Homo” he said I was wrong: for the Chinese picture was rarer and therefore of more value: he woud not lose it for a dozen such “Ecce Homos.” So said I, “Sir, is your heart like to your speech?” “Surely,” said he. “why then,” said I, “your heart’s god is that one whose picture you do confess with your mouth to be of most value.” “Fool,” says he, “’tis the rarity I esteem.” Whereto I replied, “Yet what can be rarer and more worthy of wonder than that God’s Son Himself suffered in the way which this picture doth declare?”

Chap. XXV: HOW SIMPICISSIMUS FOUND THE WOLRD ALL STRANGE AND THE WORLD FOUND HIM STRANGE LIKEWISE

Even as much as these and yet a greater number of idols were worshipped, so much on the contrary was the majesty of the true God despised: for as I never saw any desirous to keep His word and command, so I saw contrariwise many that resisted him in all things and excelled even the publicans5 in wickedness: which publicans were in the days when Christ walked upon sinners. And so saith Christ: “Love your enemies; bless them that curse you. If ye do good only to your brethren, what do ye that the publicans do not?” But I found not only no one that would follow this command of Christ, but every man did the clean opposite. “The more a man hath kindred the more a man is hindered” was the word: and nowhere did I find more envy, hatred, malice, quarrel, and dispute than between brothers, sisters, and other born friends, specially if an inheritance fell to them. Moreover, the handicraftsmen of every place hated one another, so that I could plainly see, and must conclude, that in comparison the open sinners, publicans and tax-gatherers, which by reason of their evil deeds were hated by many, were far better than we Christians nowadays in exercise of brotherly love: seeing that Christ bears testimony to them that at least they did love one another. Then thought I, if we have no reward because we love our enemies, how great must our punishment be if we hate our friends! And where there should be the greatest love and good faith, there I found the worst treachery and the strongest hatred. For many a lord would fleece his true servants and subjects, and some retainers would play the rogue against the best of lords. So too between married folk I marked continual strife: many a tyrant treated his wedded wife worse than his dog, and many a loose baggage held her good husband but for a fool and an ass. So too, many currish lords and masters cheated their industrious servants of their due pay and pinched them both in food and drink: and contrariwise I saw many faithless servitors which by theft or neglect brought their kind masters of ruin. Tradesfolk and craftsmen did vie with each other in Jewish roguery: exacted usury: sucked the sweat of the poor peasant’s brow by all manner of chicanery and over-reaching. On the other hand, there were peasants so godless that if they were not thoroughly well and cruelly fleeced, they would sneer at other folks or even their lords themselves for their simplicity.

Once did I see a soldier give another a sore buffet; and I conceived he that was smitten would turn the other cheek (for as yet I had been in no quarrel), but there was I wrong, for the insulted one drew on him, and dealt the offender a crack of the crown. So I cried at the top of my voice, “Ah! friend, what doest thou?” “a coward must he be,” says he, “that would not avenge himself: devil take me but I will, or I care not to live. What! He must be a knave that would let himself be so fobbed off.” And between these two antagonists the quarrel waxed greater, for their backers on both sides, together with the bystanders, and any man moreover that came by chance to the spot, were presently by the ears: and there I heard men swear by God and their own souls, so lightly, that I could not believe they held those souls for their dearest treasure. But all this was but child’s play: for they stayed not at such children’s curses but presently ‘twas so: “Thunder, lightning, hail: strike me, tear me, devil take me,” and the like, and not one thunder or lightning but a hundred thousand, “and snatch me away into the air.” Yea, and the blessed sacraments for them must have been not seven but a hundred thousand, and there with so many “bloodies,” “dames,” and “cursemes” that my poor hair stood on end thereat. Then thought I of Christ’s command wherein He saith, “Swear not, let your speech be yea yea; and nay nay; for whatsoever is more evil.”

Now all this that I saw and heard I pondered in my heart: and at the last I firmly concluded, these bullies were no Christians at all, and therefore I sought for other company. And worst of all it did terrify me when I heard some such swaggerers boast of their wickedness, sin, shame, and vice. For again and again I heard them so do, yea, day by day’ and thus they would say: “’S blood, man, but we were foxed yesterday: three times in the day was I blind drunk and three times did vomit all.” “My stars,” says another, “how did we torment the rascal peasants!” And “Hundred thousand devils!” says a third, “what sport did we have with the women and maids!” And so on. “I cut him down as if lightning had struck him.” “I shot him--shot him so that he shewed the whites of his eyes!” Or again: “I rode him down so cleverly, the devil only could fetch him off,” “I put such a stone in his way that he must needs break his neck thereover.”

Such and such-like heathen talk filled my ears every day: and more than that, I did hear and see sins done in God’s name, which are much to be grieved for. Such wickedness was specially practiced by the soldiers, when they would say, “Now in God’s name let us forth on a foray,” viz., to plunder, kidnap, shoot down, cut down, assault, capture and burn, and all the rest of their horrible works and practices. Just as the usurers ever invoke God with their hypocritical “In God’s name”: and therewithal let their devilish avarice loose to flay and to strip hones folk. Once did I see two rogues hanged, that would break into a house by night to steal, and even as they had placed their ladder one would mount it saying, “In God’s name, there comes the householder”: “and in the devils name” he says also, and therewithal threw him down: where he broke a leg and so was captured, and a few days after strung up together with his comrade. But I, if I saw the like, must speak out, and out would I come with some passage of Holy Writ, or in other ways would warn the sinner: and all men therefore held me a fool. Yea, I was often laughed out of countenance in return for my good intent that at length I took a disgust at it, and preferred altogether to keep silence, which yet for Christian love I could not keep. I would that all men had been reared with my hermit, believing that then many would look on the world’s ways with Simplicissimus’ eyes as I then beheld them. I had not the wit to see that if there were only Simplicissimuses in the world then there were not so many vices to behold: meanwhile ‘tis certain that a man of the world, as being accustomed to all vices and himself partaker thereof, cannot in the least understand on what a thorny path he and his likes do walk.

Chap. XXVI: A NEW AND STRANGE WAY FOR MEN TO WISH ONE ANOTHER LUCK AND TO WELCOME ONE ANOTHER

Having now, as I deemed, reason to doubt whether I were among Christians or not, I went to the pastor and told him all that I had heard and seen, and what my thoughts were: namely, that I held these people for mockers of Christ and His word, and no Christians at all, with the request he would in any case help me out of my dream, that I might know what I should count my fellow men to be. The pastor answered: “Of a surety they be Christians, nor would I counsel thee to call them otherwise.” “O God,” said I, “how can that be? for if I point out to one or the other his sin that he committeth against God, then am I but mocked and laughed at.” “Marvel not at that,” answered the pastor; “I believe if our first pious Christians, which lived in the time of Christ—yea, if the Apostles themselves should now rise from the grave and come into the world, that they would put the like question, and in the end, like thee, would be accounted of many to be fools: yet that thou hast thus far seen and heard is but an ordinary thing and mere child’s play compared with that which elsewhere, secretly and openly, with violence against God and man, doth happen and is wilt find few Christians such as was the late Master Samuel+.”

Now even as we spake together, some of the opposite party which had been taken prisoner were led across the market-place, and this broke up our discourse, for we too must go to look on the captives. Here then I was ware of a folly whereof I could never have dreamed, and that was a new fashion of greeting and welcoming one another: for one of our garrison, who also had before-time served the emperor, knew one of the prisoners: so he goes up to him, gives him his hand, and pressed his for sheer joy and heartiness, and says he: “Devil take thee! art still alive, brother? ‘S blood, ‘tis surely the devil that brings us together here! Strike me blind, but I believed thou wert long since hanged.” Then answered the other: “Curse me, but is it thee or not? Devil take thee, how camest thou here? I never thought in all my born days I should meet thee again, but thought the devil had fetched the long ago.” And when they parted, one says to the other (in place of “God be wi’ you”). “Gallows’ luck! Gallows’ luck! To-morrow will we meet again, and be nobly drunk together.”

“Is not this a fine pious welcome?” said I to the pastor; “be not these noble Christian wishes? Have not these men a godly intent for the coming day? Who could know them for Christians of hearken to them without amazement? If the so talk with one another for Christian love, how will it fare if they do quarrel? Sir Pastor, if these be Christ’s flock, and thou their appointed shepherd, I counsel thee to lead them in better pastures.” “Yea,” answered the pastor, “dear child, ‘tis ever so with these godless soldiers. God help us! If I said a word, I might as well preach to the deaf; and should gain naught from it but the perilous hatred of these good fellows.”

At that I wondered, but talked yet awhile with the pastor, and went then to wait upon the Governor; for at times had I leave to view the town and to visit the pastor, for my lord had wind of my simplicity, and thought such would cease if I went about seeing this and hearing that and being taught by others or, as folks say, being broken to harness.

**********

1. The Galatians is a one of the letters in The Bible from the apostle Paul to the churches he had established in the province of Galatia. He wrote the letter out of his fear that Galatian churches were in danger of fading away from the truth of Christ, by embracing a different gospel. The preachers of this different gospel doubted the legitimacy of Paul’s apostleship and the authority of his teaching. He wrote the letter in his initial distress at hearing this news. The Interpreter’s Dictionary of The Bible. Ed. George Arthur Buttrick. Nashville, Tennessee, 1962.
* The commandments are here numbered according to the Roman arrangement, but the meaning is obscure (Grimmelshausen’s note).
2. From Greco-Roman mythology, Bacchus, also known as Liber(a), is a name for the God of wine, Dionysos. The name is typically considered to be Roman in origin, but it was actually first used by the ancient Greeks, then later absorbed into the Roman panthenon. Male worshippers of Bacchus were known as Bacchoi, while female worshippers were known as Bacchae. Simplicissimus referred to Bacchus to display how heathen folk used to make a God for everything. Encyclopedia of Greco-Roman Mythology. By Mike Dixon-Kennedy. Santa Barbara, California, 1998. p.63.
3. From Roman mythology, Ceres was the patron goddess of growing vegetation and agriculture. Her Greek counterpart was Demeter, who was one of the 12 Olympians, and was revered as an earth goddess. She was specifically worshipped as goddess of nutrition, agriculture, and crops, especially corn, as well as the goddess of human health and fertility. Encyclopedia of Greco-Roman Mythology. By Mike Dixon-Kennedy. (Santa Barbara, California: ABC-CLIO. 1998.) p. 83 and p. 108.
4. In art, Ecce Homo is a name given to pictures representing the suffering of Jesus as described in John 19:15. The depictions of Christ take two forms. The first form is the devotional picture, which shows the single head, or half-figure of Christ. The second form is the historical picture where he is attended by Pontius Pilate and placed in front of the viewer, or the picture gives the entire scene in numerous figures. Cyclopaedia Of Biblical, Theological, and Ecclesiastical Literature. By the Rev. John M’Clintock, D.D., James Strong S.T.D. (New York: Harper & Brothers, Publishers. 1891.) p. 26.
5. Publicans were tax or tribute collectors. In the Habsburg Empire, during the Thirty Years War, the majority of the tax burden rested on the backs of free towns and the unfree peasantry, which explains why there was such a strong disliking for tax collectors. This makes the publicans a good comparison for people who Simplicissimus sees as despicable. Webster’s New World Collection Dictionary. Eds. Victoria Neufeldt and David B. Guralnik. (New York: Simon & Schuster, Inc. 1996.) p. 1087. and The Habsburg Monarchy 1618-1815. By Charles W. Ingrao. (Cambridge, UK: Cambridge University Press. 1994, 2000.) p. 26.
* The hermit (Grimmelshausen’s note).

Edited by Meghan Cunningham

Chap. XXVII : HOW SIMPLICISSIMUS DISCOURSED WITH THE SECRETARY, AND HOW HE FOUND A FALSE FRIEND

Now my lord’s favour towards me increased daily, and the longer the greater, because I looked more and more like, not only to his sister whom the hermit had had to wife, but also to that good man himself, as good food and idleness made me sleeker. And this favour I enjoyed in many quarters: for whosoever had business with the governor shewed me favour also, and especially my lord¹s secretary was well affected to me; and as he must teach me my figures, he often found pastime in my simpleness and ignorance: he was but fresh from the University, and therefore was cram-full of the jokes of the schools, which at times gave him the appearance of being a button short or a button too many: often would he convince me black was white or white black ; so it came about that at first I believed him in everything and at last in nothing. Once on a time I blamed him for his dirty inkhorn: so he answered ‘twas the best piece of furniture in his office, for out of it he could conjure whatever he desired; his fine ducats of gold, his fine raiment, and, in a word, whatsoever he possessed, all that had he fished out of his inkhorn. Then would I not believe that out of so small and inconsiderable a thing such noble possessions were to be had: so he answered all this came from the Spiritus Papyri (for so did he name his inks), and the inkhorn was for this reason named an ink-holder, because it held matters of importance. Then I asked, how could a man bring them out since one could scarce put a couple of fingers in. To that he answered, he had an arm in his head fit to do such business, yea, and hoped presently to fish out a rich and handsome wife, and if he had luck he trusted also to bring out land of his own and servants of his own, as in earlier times would surely have happened. At these tricks of craft I wondered, and asked if other folks knew such arts.

“Surely,” says he, “all chancellors, doctors, secretaries, proctors or advocates, commissaries, notaries, traders and merchants, and numberless others besides, which commonly, if they do but fish diligently in it, become rich lords thereby.” Then said I, “In this wise the peasants and other hard-working folk have no wit, in that they eat their bread in the sweat of their brow, and do not also learn this art.” So he answered, “Some know not the worth of an art, and therefore have no desire to learn it: some would fain learn it, but lack that arm in their head, or some other necessary thing; some learn the wit and have the arm, but know not the knack which the art requireth if a man will be rich thereby: and others know all and can do all that appertains thereto, yet they dwell on the unlucky side and have no opportunity, like me, to exercise this art properly.”

Now as we have reasoned in this fashion of the ink-holder (which of a truth reminded me of Fortunatus his purse) it happened that the book of dignities came into my hand and therein, as it seemed to me that, I found more follies than had ever yet come before mine eyes. “And these,” said I to the secretary, “be all Adam’s children and of one stuff, and that dust and ashes? Whence cometh, then, so great a difference; -his Holiness, his Excellency, his Serenity! Be these not properties of God alone? Here is one called ‘Gracious’ and another ‘Worshipful.’ And why must this word ‘born’ noble or ‘well born’ be ever added? We know well that no men fall from heaven and none rise out of the water and none grow out of the earth like cabbages.” The secretary must needs laugh at me, and took the trouble to explain to me this and that title and all the words separately. Yet did I insist that the titles did not do men right: for sure ‘twas more credit to a man to be called merciful than worshipful: so, too, if the word “noble” signify in itself all incalculable virtues, why should it when placed in the midst of “high born,” which applieth only to princes, impair the dignity of the title. And as to the word “well born,” why ‘twas a flat untruth: and that could any baron’s mother testify; for if one should ask her if he was well born she could say whether ‘twas “well” with her when she brought him into the world.

And so we talked long: yet could he not convince me. But this favour of the secretary towards me lasted not long, for by reason of my boorish and filthy habits I presently, after his foregoing discourse, behaved myself so foully (yet without evil intent) in his presence that he must bid me betake myself to the pigs as to my best comrades. Yet his disgust would have been the easier to bear had I not fallen into yet greater disgrace; for it fared so with me as with every honest man that cometh to court where the wicked and envious do make common cause against him.

For my lord had besides me a double-dyed rascal for a page, which had already served him for two years: to him I gave my heart, for he was like age with myself. “And this is Jonathon#1 ,” I thought, “and thou art David.”

But he was jealous of me by reason of the great favour that my lord shewed me, and that greater day by day: so he was concerned lest I should step into his shoes; and therefore in secret looked upon me with malicious and envious eyes, and sought occasion how he might put a stumbling-block for me and by my fall prevent his own. Yet were mine eyes as doves’ eyes* and my intent far different from his: nay, I confided to him all my secrets, which yet consisted in naught else than in childish simplicity and piety. But he, innocent as I was, persuaded me to all manner of folly, which yet I accepted for truth and honesty, followed his counsels, and through the same (as shall not fail to be duly treated of in its proper place) fell into grievous misfortunes.

Chap XXVIII: HOW SIMPLICISSIMUS GOT TWO EYES OUT OF ONE CALF'S HEAD

The next day after my discourse with the secretary my master had appointed a princely entertainment for his officers and other good friends; for he had received the good news that his men had taken the strong castle of Braunfels without loss of a single man: and there must I, as at the time ‘twas my duty, like any other table-server, help to bring up dishes, pour out wine, and wait at table with a plate in my hand. The first day there was a big fat calf’s-head (of which folk are wont to say no poor man may eat) handed to me to carry up. And because this calf’s head was soft-boiled, therefore he must needs have his whole eye with the appurtenance thereof hanging out; which was to me a charming and a tempting sight, and the fresh perfume of the bacon-broth and ginger sprinkled thereon alluring me, I felt such appetite that my mouth did water at it. In a word, the eye smiled at once on mine eyes, my nostrils, and my mouth, and besought me that I would incorporate it into my hungry belly. Nor did I need long forcing, but followed my desires; for as I went, with a spoon that I had first received on that same day I did scoop the eye so masterly out, and sent it so swiftly and without let or hindrance to its proper place, that none perceived it till the dish came to table and there betrayed itself and me. For when they would carve it up, and one of its daintiest members was wanting, my lord at once perceived what made the carver start: and he was not a man to endure such mockery as that any should dare to say to him he had served up a calf’s-head with one eye. So the cook must appear at table, and they that should have brought the dishes up were with him examined: and last of all
it came out ‘twas to poor Simplicissimus the calf¹s-head had last been entrusted, and that with two eyes : how it had fared thereafter no man could say. Then my lord, as it seemed to me with a terrible countenance, asked what I had done with the calf¹s eye. So I whipt my spoon out of my pouch again and gave the calf¹s head the second turn, and shewed briefly and well what they had asked of me, for I swallowed the second eye like the first, in a wink.

“Pardieu,” quoth my lord, “this trick savoureth better than ten calves.”
And thereupon all the gentlemen present praised that saying and spoke of my deed, which I had done for pure simplicity, as a wondrous device and a presage of future boldness and fearless and swift resolution: so that for this time, by the repeating of the very trick for which I had deserved punishment I not only escaped that punishment, but from a few merry jesters, flatterers, and boon companions gained the praise of acting wisely, inasmuch as I had lodged both eyes together, that so they might in the next world, as in this, afford help and company to each other, to which end they were at first appointed by nature. Yet my lord warned me to play him no more such tricks.

Chap. XXIX : HOW A MAN STEP BY STEP MAY ATTAIN UNTO INTOXICATION AND FINALLY UNAWARES BECOME BLIND DRUNK

At this banquet (and I take it it happens likewise at others) all came to table like Christians. Grace was said very quietly, and to all appearance very piously. And this pious silence lasted as long as they had to deal with the soup and the first courses, as one had been at a Quakers’ meeting#2. But hardly had each one said “God’s blessing!” three or four times when all was already livelier. Nor can I describe how each one’s voice grew louder and louder : I could but compare the whole company to an orator, that beginneth softly at the first and endeth with thunder. Then dishes were served called savouries, which, being strongly seasoned, are appointed to be eaten before the drinking begin, that it may go the livelier, and likewise the dessert, to give a flavour to the wine, to say nothing of all manner of French pottages and Spanish olla podridas, which by a thousand artful preparations and unnumbered ingredients were in such wise spiced, devilled, disguised, and seasoned (and all to further the drinking) that they, by such added ingredients and spices, were altogether changed in their substance and different from what Nature had made them, so that Gnaeus Manlius* himself, though he had come direct from Africa and had with him the best of cooks, yet had not recognized them. Then thought I: “Is’t not like enough that these things should disturb the sense of any man who can take delight in them and the drink too (whereto they be specially appointed) and change him, or even transform him, to a beast? Who knows if even Circe#3 used any other means but these when she did change Ulysses his companions into swine? For I saw how these guests at one time devoured the food like hogs and then swilled like sows, then carried themselves like asses, and last of all were as sick as farmers’ dogs. The noble wines of Hochheim, of Bacharach, and of Klingenberg they tipped into their bellies in glasses as big as buckets, which presently shewed their effects higher up, in the head. And thereupon I saw with wonder how all changes; for here were reputable folk, which just before were in possession of their five senses and sitting in peace by one another, now beginning of a sudden to act the fool and to play the silliest tricks in the world. And the great follies which they did commit and the huge draughts which they drank to each other became bigger as time went on, so that it seemed as if fooleries and draughts strove with each other which of them should be accounted the greater: but at last this contest ended in a filthy piggishness. ‘Twas not wonderful that I understood not whence their giddiness came: inasmuch as the effect of wine, and drunkenness itself, were until now quite unknown to me : and this left in my rogueish remembrance thereafter all manner of merry pranks and fantastic imaginings : their strange looks I could see ; but the cause of their condition I knew not. Indeed up till then each one had emptied the pot with a good appetite: but when now their bellies were full ‘twas as hard with them as with a waggoner, that can fare well enough with his team over level ground, yet up the hill can scarcely toil. But though their heads were bemused, their want of strength was made good: in one man¹s case by his courage, well soaked in wine: in another the loyal desire to drink yet one health to his friend: in a third that German chivalry which must do his neighbour right. But even such efforts must fail in the long run. Then would one challenge another to pour the wine in buckets to the health of the princes or of dear friends or of a mistress. And at this many a one’s eyes turned in his head, and the cold sweat broke out: yet still the drinking must go on ; yea, at the last they must make a noise with drums, fifes, and stringed instruments, and shot off the ordance, doubtless for this cause, because the wine must take their bellies by assault. Then did I wonder where they could be rid of it all, for I knew not that they would turn out the same before ‘twas well warm within them (and that with great pains) out of the very place into which they had just poured it to the great danger of their health.

At this feast was also my pastor: and because he was a man like other men, he must retire for a while. So I followed him and “Pastor,” said I, “why do these folk behave so strangely? How comes it that they do reel this way and that? Sure it seems to me they be no longer in their senses; for they have all eaten and drunken themselves full, and swear devil take them if they can drink more, and yet they cease not to swill. Be they compelled thereto, or is it in God’s despite that they of their free will waste all things so wantonly?”

“Dear child,” answered the pastor, “when the wine is in the wit is out. This is nought compared with what is to come. To-morrow at daybreak ‘twill be hardly time for them to break up; for though they have already crammed their bellies, yet they are not yet right merry.”

So I answered, “Then do not their bellies burst if they stuff them so continually? Can then, their souls, which are God’s image, abide in such fat hog’s bodies, in which they lie, as it were, in dark cells and verminous dungeons, imprisoned without knowledge of God? Their precious souls, I say how can they so let themselves be tortured? Be not their senses, of which their souls should be served, buried as in the bowels of unreasonin beasts?”

“Hold thou thy tongue,” answered the pastor, “or thou mayest get thee a sound thrashing: here ‘tis no time to preach, or I could do it better than thou.” So when I heard this I looked on in silence further, and saw how they wantonly spoiled food and drink, notwithstanding that the poor Lazarus, that might have been nourished therewith, languished, before our gates in the shape of many expelled peasants of the Wetterau#4 , whose hunger looked out through their eyes: for in the town there was famine.

Chap. XXX: STILL TEATS OF NAUGHT BUT OF DRINKING BOUTS, AND HOW TO BE RID OF PARSONS THEREAT

So this gormandising#5 went on as before, and I must wait on them from the beginning of the feast. My pastor was still there, and was forced to drink as well as the rest: yet would he not do like them, but said he cared not to drink in so beastly a fashion: so a valiant pot companion takes him up and shews him that he, a pastor, drinks like a beast, and he, the drunkard and others present, drink like men.

“For,” says he, “a beast drinks only so much as tastes well to him and quenches his thirst, for he knows not what is good, nor doth he care to drink wine at all. But ‘tis the pleasure of us men to make the drink profit us, and to suck in the noble grape-juice as our forefathers did.” “Yes,yes,” says the pastor, “but for me ‘tis proper to keep due measure.” “Right,” says the other, “a man of honour must keep his word” and thereupon he has a beaker filled which held a full measure, and with that in his hand he reels back to the pastor. But he was gone and left the tippler in the lurch with his wine-bucket.

So when they were rid of the pastor all was confusion, and ‘twas for all the world in appearance as if this feast was an agreed time and opportunity for each to disgrace his neighbor with drunkenness, to bring him to shame, or to pay him some scurvy trick: for when one of them was so well settled that he could neither sit, walk, nor stand, the cry was, “Now we are quits! Thou didst brew a like draught for me: now must thou drink the like”; and so on. But he that could last longest and drink deepest was full of pride thereat, and seemed to himself a fellow of no mean parts; and at the last they tumbled about, as they had drunk henbane#6 . ‘Twas indeed a wonderful pantomime to see how they did fool, and yet none wondered but I. One sang: one wept: one laughed: another moaned: one cursed: another prayed: one shouted “Courage!” another could not even speak. One was quiet and peaceable: another would drive the devil out by swaggering: one slept and was silent, another talked so fast that none could stand up against him. One told stories of tender love adventures, another of his dreadful deeds in war. Some talked of church and clergy, some of the constitution, of politics, of the affairs of the empire and of the world. Some ran hither and thither and could not keep still: some lay where they were and could not stir a finger, much less stand up or walk. Some were still eating like ploughmen, and as if they had been a week without food, while others were vomiting up what they had eaten that very day. In a word, their whole carriage was comical, strange, and mad: and moreover sinful and godless. At the last there arose at the lower end of the table real quarrels, so that they flung glasses, cups, dishes, and plates at each other¹s heads and fought, not with fists only, but with chairs, yea, with swords and whatever came to hand, till some had the red blood running down their ears: but to that my lord presently put an end.

Chap. XXXI: HOW THE LORD GOVERNOR SHOT A VERY FOUL FOX

So when order was restored, the master-drinkers took with them the minstrels and the women-fold, and away to another house wherein was a great room chosen and dedicated for another sort of folly. But my lord throws himself on his pallet-bed, for either from anger or from over-eating he was in pain: so I let him lie where he was, to rest and sleep, but hardly had I come to the door of the room when he must needs whistle to me: and that he could not. Then he would call; but naught could he say but “Simple!” So I ran back to him and found his eyes turn in his head as with a beast that is slaughtered: and there stood I before him like a stock-fish, neither did I know what to do. But he pointed to the washstand ad stammered out.”Bra-bra-bring me that, thou rogue: ha-ha-ha-hand me the basin. I mu-mu-must shoot a fo-fo-fo-fox!”

So with all haste I brought him the silver wash-basin, but ere I could come to him he had a pair of cheeks like a trumpeter. Then he took me quickly by the arm and made me so to stand that I must hold the basin right before his mouth. Then all must out, with grievious retchings, and such foul stuff was discharged into the said basin that I near fainted away by reason of the unbearable stench, and specially because some fragments spurted up into my face. And nearly did I do the same: but when I marked how deadly pale he was, I gave that over for sheer fright and feared only his soul would leave him with his vomit. For the cold sweat broke out upon his forehead, and his face was like a dying man’s. But when he recovered himself he bade me fetch fresh water, that with that he might rinse out the wine-skin into which he had made his belly.

Thereafter he bade me take away the fox: and because I knew not where I should bestow such a precious treasure, which, besides that it was in a silver dish, was composed of all manner of dainties that I had seen my lord eat, I took it to the steward: to him I shewed this fine stuff and asked what I should do with the fox. “Thou fool,” says he, “go and take it to the tanner to tan his hides therewith.” So I asked where could I find the tanner: but he perceiving my simplicity. “Nay,” says he, “take it to the doctor, that he may see from it what our lord’s state of health is.” And such an April fool’s journey had I surely gone, but that the steward was affrighted at what might follow: he bade me therefore take the filth to the kitchen, with orders that the maids should serve it up with seasoning. And this I did in all good faith, and was by those baggages soundly laughed at for my pains.

Chap. XXXII: HOW SIMPLICISSIMUS SPOILED THE DANCE

Just as I was free of my basin my lord was going forth: so I followed him to a great house, where in a room I saw gentlemen and ladies, bachelors and maidens, twisting about so quickly that everything spun round: with such stamping and noise that I deemed they were all gone mad, for I could not imagine what they could intend with this rage and fury: yea, the very sight of them was so terrible, so fearful, and so dreadful that all my hair stood on end, and I could believe nothing but that they were all bereft of reason. And as we came nearer I was aware that these were our guests, which had up till noon been in their right senses. “Good God,” thought I , “what do these poor folk intend to do? Surely madness is come upon them.” Yet presently I thought these might perchance be hellish spirits, which under this disguise did make a mock of the whole human race by such wanton capers and monkey-tricks: for I thought, had they human souls and God’s image in them, sure they would not act so unlike to men.

When my lord came in and would enter the room, the tumult ceased, save that there was such bowing and ducking with the heads and such curtseying and scraping with the feet on the floor that methought they would scrape out the foot-tracks they had trodden in their furious madness. And by the sweat that ran down their faces, and by their puffing and blowing, I could perceive they had struggled hard: yet did their cheerful countenances declare that such labours had not vexed them. Now was I fain to know what this mad behaviour might mean, and therefore asked of my comrade and trusted confidant what such lunatic doings might signify, or for what purpose this furious ramping and stamping was intended. And he, as the real truth, told me that all there present had agreed to stamp down the floor of the room. “For how,” says he, “canst thou otherwise suppose that they would so stamp about? Hast thou not seen how they broke all the windows for pastime? Even so will they break in this floor.” “Good heavens!” quoth I, “then must we also fall, and in falling break our legs and our necks in their company?” “Yea,” quoth my comrade, “’tis their purpose, and therefore do they work so devilishly hard. And thou wilt see that when they do find themselves in danger of death each one seized upon a fair lady or maiden, for ‘tis said that to couples that fall holding one another in this way no grievous harm is wont to happen.”

Now as I believed all this tale, there fell upon me such anguish and fear of death that I knew not where I should stand, and when the minstrels, which I had not before seen, made themselves likewise heard, and every man ran to his lady as soldiers run to their guns or to their ranks when they hear the drums beat the alarm, and each man took his partner by the hand, ‘twas to me even as if I saw the floor already a-sinking, and my neck and those of many others a-breaking. But when they began to jump so that the whole building shook (for they played just then a lively gallop) then thought I, “Now is thy life at stake.” For I thought nought else but that the whole building would suddenly tumble in: so in my deadly fear I seized upon a lady of high nobility and eminent virtues with whom my lord was even then conversing. Her I caught all unawares by the arm, like a bear, and clung to her a burr, but when she struggle, as not knowing what foolish fancies were in my head, I acted as one desperate, and for sheer despair began to scream as if they would murder me. Now did the music cease of a sudden: the dancers and their partners stopped dancing, and the honourable lady to whose arm I stil clung deemed herself grieviously insulted; for she fancied my lord had had all this done for her annoyance, who thereupon commanded that I should be soundly whipped and then locked up somewhere, “for,” said he,”’twas not the first trick I had played on him that day.” Yet the grooms which were to carry out his orders had sympathy with me, and spared me the whipping and locked me up in a goosepen under the staircase.

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#1. Jonathon, son of Saul the king of Israel. When David was summoned to Saul’s court as a harp-player, Jonathon was exceptionally fond of him, possibly helping to curry favor with the king. “David”, Oxford Dictionary of the Christian Church (New York: Oxford University Press, 1997), p.452.
* I.e. full of innocence (Goodrick)
#2. During meetings, Quakers, or Friends, sit silently without any pre-arranged worship service. They wait for God to choose one of the members as his speaker and to act as the minister. “Quakers”, Ibid, p. 642.
* Given as an example of a Roman with luxurious tastes. (Goodrick)
#3. Circe, a figure of Greek mythology believed to be a sorceress on the island of Aeaea. She possessed the power to turn people into animals or inanimate objects. She is most famous for bewitching Odysseus’ men in the Odyssey. “Circe”, Crowell’s Handbook of Classical Mythology, (New York: Thomas Y. Crowell Co, 1970), p.164-165.
#4. Wetterau, a region north of Frankfurt, home to an alliance of over fifty Imperial Counts. After 1665, however, Wetterau was led by the Calvinist Counts of Nassau. Geoffrey Parker, Thirty Years’ War (Boston: Routldege & Kegan Paul, 1984) p.15.
#5. Gormandising, to eat greedily or ravenously. “gormandise”, Webster’s Unabridged Dictionary of the English Language (New York:Random House, 2001) p.824.
#6. Henbane, an herb whose leaves and flowering tops are used in medicine as a sedative. The extract is commonly added to purgative pills in order to prevent gripe. “Henbane”, Chamber’s Encyclopedia (United Kingdom:Hazell, Watson, and Viney Ltd, 1973), vol. 7, p.15