London 1912
I.--THE ORDEAL BY WATER "We will now bathe," said
a voice at the back of my neck. I gave a grunt and went on with my dream. It was a jolly dream, and "We will now bathe," repeated
Archie. "Go away," I said distinctly. Archie sat down on my knees and put his damp towel on my face. "When my wife and I took this
commodious residence for six weeks," "Don't be silly, it's about
three now. And I wish you'd get off my "It's a quarter-past seven." "Then there you are, we've
missed it. Well, we must see what we can Archie pulled all the clothes off me and walked with them to the "Jove, what a day!" he said. "And
can't you smell the sea?" "I can. Let that suffice.
I say, what's happened to my blanket? I "Where's his sponge?" I
heard him murmuring to himself as he came "No, no, I'm up," I shouted,
and I sprang out of bed and put on a "There is a tent." "Won't the ladies want it?
Because, if so, I can easily have my "The ladies think it's rather
too rough to-day." "Perhaps they're right," I said hopefully. "A
woman's instinct--No, It wasn't so bad outside--sun and wind and a blue-and-white sky and "Just the day for a swim," said
Archie cheerily, as he led the way "I've nothing against the
day; it's the hour I object to. The Lancet By the time I was ready the wind had got much colder. I looked out "Isn't it jolly and fresh?" said
Archie, determined to be helpful. "There are plenty of points
about this morning. Where do they get "You ought to have bought
some bathing shoes. I got this pair in the "Why didn't you tell me so
last night?" "It was too late last night." "Well, it's much too early
this morning. If you were a gentleman Archie being no gentleman, he walked and I hobbled to the edge, and "I should like to take this last opportunity," I said, "of
telling I got up and waded into the surf. "One last word," I said as I looked back at him. "In
my whole career The world may be divided into two classes--those who drink when they "It's about time we came out," I
shouted to Archie after the third "Aren't you glad now you came?" he
cried from the top of a wave. "Very," I said a moment
later from inside it. But I really did feel glad ten minutes afterwards as I sat on the "Holbein, how brave of you!" cried
a voice behind me. "Good-morning. I'm not at
all sure that I ought to speak to you." "Have you really been taking the sea so early," said
Myra as she sat "I have been taking the sea," I confessed. "What
you observe out "Oh, but that's what _I_ do.
That's why I didn't come "I'm a three-bottle man. I
can go on and on and on. And after all "Do you know," said Archie, "that
you are talking drivel? Nobody "Mr Simpson is coming by the
one-thirty." "Good; then we'll have a slack
day. The strain of meeting Simpson "I told him to bring one," said Myra. "I
put a P.S. in Dahlia's "I'll talk to the crew about
it and see what he can do. If we get We got up and climbed slowly back to the house. "And then," I said, "then
for the heavy meal." "Well," said Dahlia, giving up the tiller with a sigh, "if
this is "Don't blame the crew," said Archie nobly, "he
did his best. He sat "ARE we moving?" asked
Myra, from a horizontal position on the shady "We are not," I said,
from a similar position on the sunny side. Simpson took off his yachting cap and fanned himself with a nautical "Miles," said Archie. "To
be more accurate, we are five miles from a "You will never see your friends
again, Simpson. They will miss you My voice choked, and at the same moment something whizzed past me "Yachting cap overboard! Help!" cried
Myra. "You aren't in The Spectator office now, Simpson," said
Archie "It's my fault," I confessed remorsefully; "I
told him yesterday I "Myra and I do like it, Mr
Simpson. Please save it, Archie." Archie let it drip from the end of the boat-hook for a minute, and "Morning, Sir Thomas," I
said, saluting it as it came on board. Simpson took his cap and stroked
it tenderly. "Thirteen and Quiet settled down upon the good ship Armadillo again. There was no "Splendid," said Archie,
putting down his glass and taking out his "Then you and Simpson can get the dinghy out and tow," I
suggested. "We might go for a long bicycle ride," said Myra; "or
call on the "There isn't really very much to do, is there?" said
Dahlia, gently. Simpson leapt excitedly into the breach. "I'll tell you what I'll do--I'll
teach you all the different knots "Certainly. Take any piece
you like. Only spare the main-sheet." Simpson went forward to consult Joe, and came back with enough to "Now supposing you had fallen down a well," he began, "and
I let We thought deeply for a moment. "I should wait until you were
looking over the edge, and then give "One MUST have company in a well," I
agreed. "They're being silly again," apologized Myra. "Tell
ME, Mr Simpson! "Well, you tie it round you
like this. Through there--and over "But how nice of you. Let
me try. ... Oh, yes, that's easy." "Well, then there's the hangman's
knot." Archie and I looked at each other. "The predicaments in which
Simpson finds himself are extraordinarily "One of these days he'll be
in a well, and we shall let down a rope "That would look very determined.
On the other hand there must be "Why, how delightful, Mr Simpson," said Myra. "Do
show us some "Those are the most important
ones. Then there are one or two fancy "Don't touch it," said Archie solemnly. "It's
poison." "Oh, I must show you that." Joe showed me the Monkey's Claw afterwards, and it is a beautiful "Take your time, Houdini," said Archie, "take
your time. Just let us "You would hardly think, to look at him now," I
said a minute later, "Where's the sealing-wax,
Maria? You know, I'm certain he'll never "What I say is, it's simply
hypnotic suggestion. There's no rope An anxious silence followed. "No," said Simpson suddenly, "I'm
doing it wrong." "From to-night," said Archie, after tea, "you
will be put on "There really isn't so very much left," said
Dahlia. "Then we shall have to draw
lots who is to be eaten." "Don't we eat our boots and things first?" asked
Myra. "The doctor says I mustn't
have anything more solid than a "After all, there's always the dinghy," said Archie. "If
we put in a "There's another way I've just thought of," I said. "Let's
sail in." I pointed out to sea, and there, unmistakably, was the least little The sprint for home had begun. "Well, which is it to be?" asked
Archie. "Just whichever you like," said Dahlia, "only
make up your minds." "Well, I can do you a very
good line in either. I've got a lot of "Oh, what can ail thee, Silent-Knight,
alone and palely loitering?" "Ass (Shakespeare)," I
said. "Of course, if we sailed," Simpson went on eagerly, "and
we got Archie looked from one to the other of us. "I think that settles it," he
said, and went off to see about the "Little Chagford," said Archie, as he slowed down. "Where
are we "I thought we'd just go on
until we found a nice place for lunch." "And then on again till we found a nice place for tea," added
Myra. "And so home to dinner," I
concluded. "Speaking for myself--" began
Simpson. "Oh, why not?" "I should like to see a church
where Katharine of Aragon or somebody "Samuel's morbid craving for
sensation--" "Wait till we get back to
London, and I'll take you to Madame "Well, I think he's quite right," said Dahlia. "There
is an old "Philistines!" I said indignantly. "Well,
I'm--" "Agagged," suggested Archie. "Oh
no, he was an Amalekite." "You've lived in the same
country as this famous old Norman church "Little Chagford's noted back-chat comedians," commented
Archie. "There was once a prince who
was walking in a forest near his castle "Don't go on too long," said Archie. "There
are the performing seals I jumped out of the car and joined her in the road. "Dahlia, I apologize," I said. "You
are quite right. We will visit Myra looked up from the book she had been studying, Jovial Jaunts "There isn't a church at Little Chagford," she said. "At
least there "Then let's go on," said
Archie, after a deep silence. We found a most delightful little spot (which wasn't famous for "Now, are you going to help get things ready," asked Myra, "or
are "I thought women always liked
to keep the food jobs for themselves," "What fire?" "You can't really lead the
simple life and feel at home with Nature "Well, I did go out to look
for pemmican this morning, but there "Then I shall have my ham
sandwich hot." "Bread, butter, cheese, eggs, sandwiches, fruit," catalogued
Dahlia, "I'm waiting here for cake," I
said. "Bother, I forgot the cake." "Look here, this picnic isn't
going with the swing that one had "Does your whole happiness depend on cake?" asked
Myra scornfully. "To a large extent it does. Archie," I called out, "there's
no Archie stopped patting the car
and came over to us. "Good. Let's "You didn't hear. I said there
WASN'T any cake--on the contrary, Apparently nobody did, so that it was useless to think of sending "Now," said Archie, after lunch, "before
you all go off with your "I know what I'm going to do," I said, "if
the flies will let me "Tell me quickly before I guess," begged
Myra. "I'm going to lie on my back
and think about--who do you think do "Stevedores." "Then I shall think about
stevedores." "Are you sure," asked Simpson, "that
you wouldn't like me to show I closed my eyes. You know, I wonder sometimes what it is that makes Myra gazed out of the window upon the driving rain and shook her "Ugh!" she said. "Ugly!" "Beast," I added, in
order that there should be no doubt about what We had arranged for a particularly pleasant day. We were to have "We'll light a fire and do something indoors," said
Dahlia. "This is an extraordinary house," said Archie. "There
isn't a single "We can play games, dear." "True, darling. Let's do a
charade." "The last time I played charades," I said, "I
was Horatius, the "Which was your favourite part?" asked
Myra. "The front part of the palfrey.
But I was very good as the two "It's no good doing charades,
if there's nobody to do them to." "Thomas is coming to-morrow," said Myra. "We
could tell him all "Clumps is a jolly good game," suggested
Simpson. "The last time I was a clump," I said, "I
was the first coin paid on "He mightn't have had an aunt," said
Myra, after a minute's profound "He hadn't." "Well, anyhow, one way and
another you've had a very adventurous "When I played clumps," put in Simpson, "I
was the favourite spoke Myra went to the window again, and came back with the news that it "Thank you," we all said. "But I wasn't just making
conversation. I have an idea." "Silence for Myra's idea." "Well, it's this. If we can't
do anything without an audience, and "Be a little more lucid, there's
a dear. It isn't that we aren't "Well then, let's serenade
the other houses about here to-night." There was a powerful silence while everybody considered this. "Good," said Archie at last. "We
will." The rest of the morning and all the afternoon were spent in "I suppose there wouldn't be time to learn the violin?" I
asked. "Why didn't they teach you something when you were a boy?" wondered "They did. But my man forgot
to put it in my bag when he packed. He "Well, you must take the cap
round for the money." "I will. I forgot to say that
my own triangle at home, the Strad, is While the others practised their songs, I practised taking the cap "In fact," I said, "you
ought to black your faces so as to "We won't black our faces," said Dahlia, "but
we'll wear masks; and "Right," said Archie;
and he sat down and wrote a notice for "I AM AN ORPHAN. SO ARE THE
OTHERS, BUT THEY ARE NOT SO ORPHAN AS I Dahlia said-- "WE ARE DOING THIS FOR AN
ADVERTISEMENT. IF YOU LIKE US, SEND A Simpson announced-- "WORLD'S LONG DISTANCE CORNETIST.
HOLDER OF THE OBOE RECORD ON Myra said-- "KIND FRIENDS, HELP US. WE
WERE WRECKED THIS AFTERNOON. THE CORNET As for myself I had to hand the Simpson yachting cap round, and my "WE WANT YOUR MONEY. IF YOU
CANNOT GIVE US ANY, FOR HEAVEN'S SAKE We had an early dinner, so as to be in time to serenade our victims "Let's see," said Simpson, "I
start off with 'The Minstrel Boy,' "Then we help you to escape," said Archie. "After
that, Dahlia sings "What's that?" said Myra. We all listened ... and then we opened the door. It was pouring. "Stroke, you're late," said
Thomas, butting me violently in the back "My dear Thomas, when you
have been in the Admiralty a little longer "The whole gallery would go out and get its hair cut," said
Archie. "I'm not used to the Morse
system of rowing, that's the trouble," "Be careful how you insult
me, Thomas. A little more and I shall "Really?" asked Simpson
with interest. "Yes; I fancy he had been
rather overdoing it at Swedish drill that We gave her ten in silence, and then by mutual consent rested on our "There's a long way yet," said Myra. "Dahlia
and I will row if "This is an insult, Thomas.
Shall we sit down under it?" "Yes," said Thomas, getting up; "only
in another part of the boat." We gave up our seats to the ladies (even in a boat one should be "We might have sailed up a little higher," remarked Simpson. "It's "It's too shallow, except at high tide," said Myra. "The
Armadillo "Feathers." "Well, we're a pretty good bank-holiday crowd for the dinghy," said The woods were now beginning to come down to the river on both "The first thing to do is
to build a palisade to keep the savages "We shall have to light a
fire anyhow for the tea, so that will be "I myself," I said, "will
swim out to the wreck for the musket and "As you're going," said Myra, unpacking, "you
might get the sugar as "Now you've spoilt my whole
holiday. It was bad enough with the cake "It's all right, here it is.
Now you're happy again. I wish, if you "I am unusually busy," I said, "and
there is a long queue of clients I wandered into the wood alone. Archie and Dahlia had gone Ten minutes later I returned with my spoil, and laid it before them. "A piece of brown bread from
the bread-fruit tree, a piece of "But how funny; they all look
just like sticks of wood." "That is Nature's plan of
protective colouring. In the same way "The same instinct of self-preservation," added Archie, "has
led Simpson begged to be allowed to show us how to light a fire, and we "You know," said Archie, "in
Simpson the nation has lost a wonderful "Oh, Samuel," cried Myra, "tell
us how you tracked the mules that "Tell us about that time when
you bribed the regimental anchovy of "I ignore you because you're
jealous. May I have some more tea, Miss "Call me Myra, Scoutmaster
Simpson of The Spectator troop, and you "I blush for my unblushing sex," said
Dahlia. "I blush for my family," said Archie. "That
a young girl of gentle It was Thomas who changed the subject so abruptly. "I suppose the tide comes as far as this?" he
said. "It does, captain." "Then that would account for
the boat having gone." "That and Simpson's special knot," I
said, keeping calm for the sake Archie jumped up with a shout. The boat was about twenty yards from "It's very bad to bathe just after a heavy meal," I
reminded him. "I'm not sure that I'm going
to, but I'm quite sure that one of us "Walk up the river with it," said Myra, "while
Dahlia and I pack, We walked up. I felt that in my own case the process of assimilation We came back from a "Men Only" sail
to find Myra bubbling over with "I've got some news for you," she said, "but
I'm not going to tell "Bother, she's going to get married," I
murmured. Myra gurgled and drove us off. "Put on all your medals and orders, Thomas," she
called up the "I believe, old fellow," said Simpson, "she's
married already." Half an hour later we were all ready for the news. "Just a moment, Myra," said Archie. "I'd
better warn you that we're "She's quite safe," said
Dahlia. "Of course I am. Well, now
I'm going to begin. This morning, about "Horribly crowded the sea is getting nowadays," commented
Archie. "And she began to talk about
what a jolly day it was and so on, and "I like the way girls talk in the sea," said Archie. "So
direct." "What is there about our Myra," I asked, "that
stamps her as a "She'd seen me on land, silly.
Well, we went on talking, and at last "Hooray! Myra, your health." "We're only six, though," added Archie. "Didn't
you swim up against "But we can easily pick up five people by Saturday," said
Myra . . . . . . . We lost the toss, and Myra led her team out on to the field. The "Where would you all like to field?" asked
the captain. "Let's stand round in groups,
just at the start, and then see where "Me and Samuel. I wonder if
I dare bowl over-hand." "I'm going to," said
Simpson. "You can't, not with your
left hand." "Why not? Hirst does." "Then I shan't field point," said
Thomas with decision. However, as it happened, it was short leg who received the first two "Wide," said the umpire. "But--but I was b-bowling UNDERHAND," stammered
Simpson. "Now you've nothing to fall back on," I
pointed out. Simpson considered the new situation. "Then
you fellows can't mind It was the batsman's own fault. Like a true gentleman he went after "One for six," said Simpson,
and went over to Miss Debenham to "He must come off," said Archie. "We
have a reputation to keep up. In the next over nothing much happened, except that Miss Debenham "So far," said Dahlia, half an hour later, "the
Rabbits have not "Hang it, Dahlia, Thomas and
I discovered the child. Give the credit "Well, why don't you put my
Bobby on, then? Boys are allowed to play So Bobby went on, and with Sarah's help finished off the innings. "Jolly good rot," he said to Simpson, "you're
having to bowl "My dear Robert," I said, "Mr
Simpson is a natural base-ball "Coo!" said Bobby. The allies came out even more strongly when we went in to bat. I was "Hallo," said the wicket-keeper, "I
thought you were left-handed; "No, I'm really right-handed," I said. "I
played that way by mistake He grunted sceptically, and the bowler came up to have things "Is he really right-handed?" the
bowler asked Mrs Oakley. "I don't know," she said, "I've never seen him before." (SENSATION.) "I think, if you don't mind,
we'd rather you played right-handed." "Certainly." The next
ball was a full pitch, and I took a "Look here," I said, nearly crying, "I'll
play any way you The atmosphere was too much for me. I trod on my wickets, burst into . . . . . . . "Well," said Dahlia, "we
won." "Yes," we all agreed, "we
won." "Even if we didn't do much of it ourselves," Simpson
pointed out, "We always have THAT," said
Myra. I.--WORK FOR ALL "Well," said Dahlia, "what
do you think of it?" I knocked the ashes out of my after-breakfast pipe, arranged the "I've no complaints," I
said happily. A vision of white and gold appeared in the doorway and glided over "None at all," said Simpson,
sitting up eagerly. "But Thomas isn't quite satisfied
with one of the bathrooms, I'm "I asked if you'd gone to sleep in the bath," explained
Thomas. "I hadn't. It is practically
impossible, Thomas, to go to sleep in a "Except, perhaps, for a Civil Servant," said
Blair. "Exactly. Of the practice
in the Admiralty Thomas can tell us later "Why can't you look at it
from your own window instead of keeping "Because the view from my
room is an entirely different one." "There is no stint in this house," Dahlia
pointed out. "No," said Simpson, jumping
up excitedly. Myra put the jug of cider down in front of us. "There!" she said. "Please
count it, and see that I haven't drunk "This is awfully nice of you,
Myra. And a complete surprise to all There was a long silence, broken only by the extremely jolly sound Just as it was coming to an end Archie appeared suddenly among us "TO-MORROW!" he said in a stage whisper. "ABOUT
THE SAME TIME." "I doubt it," said Archie. "I know it for a fact," protested
Simpson. "I'm afraid Myra and Samuel
made an assignation for this morning," "There's nothing in it, really," said Myra. "He's
only trifling with Simpson buried his confused head in his glass, and proceeded to "We all like your house, Archie," he
said. "We do," I agreed, "and
we think it's very nice of you to ask us "It is rather," said
Archie. "We are determined, therefore,
to do all we can to give the house a "I was sure it was you," said Myra. "How
do you get the water right "Easily. Further, Archie,
if you want any suggestions as to how to "For instance," said Thomas, "where
do we play cricket?" "By the way, you fellows," announced Simpson, "I've
given up playing We all looked at him in consternation. "Do you mean you've given up BOWLING?" said
Dahlia, with wide-open "Aren't you ever going to walk to the wickets again?" asked
Blair. "Aren't you ever going to walk back to the pavilion again?" asked "What will Montgomeryshire say?" wondered
Myra in tones of awe. "May I have your belt and your sand-shoes?" I
begged. "It's the cider," said Thomas. "I
knew he was overdoing it." Simpson fixed his glasses firmly on his nose and looked round at us "I've given it up for golf," he
observed. "Traitor," said everyone. "And the Triangular Tournament arranged for, and everything," added "You could make a jolly little course round here," went
on the Archie stood up and made a speech. "Ladies and gentlemen," he said, "at
11.30 to-morrow precisely I "Myra and I have an appointment," put
in Simpson hastily. "A net will be erected," Archie went on, ignoring him, "and
Mr "Good man," said Simpson. "And if anybody else thinks
he has given up cricket for ludo or "It's what you're here for," said
Dahlia. THE sun came into my room early next morning and woke me up. It was Then Simpson came in with a golf club in his hand. "Great Scott," he shouted, "you're
not still in bed?" "I am not. This is telepathic
suggestion. You think I'm in bed; I "But, man, look at the lovely
morning!" "Simpson," I said sternly,
rolling up the sleeves of my pyjamas with "I thought you'd like to come
outside with me, and I'd show you my "Yes, yes, I shall like to
see that, but AFTER breakfast, Simpson. I "My golf-swing, idiot." I sat up in bed and stared at him in sheer amazement. For a long "I saw the Coronation," I
said at last, and I dropped back on my . . . . . . "I feel very important," said
Archie, coming on to the lawn where "Archie and I do hate it so," said Dahlia. "I'm
luckier, because I "It would be much nicer if they did it for love," said Archie, "and "Here's eighteen-and-six," I suggested, "and
don't bite the "You should shake his hand," said Myra, "and
say, 'Thank you very "Or you might wrap the money
up in paper and leave it for him in one "And then you'd know whether
he had made it properly." "Well, you're all very helpful," said Archie. "Thank
you extremely. "Simpson disappeared after
breakfast with his golf-clubs. He is in "Oh, but I do," said Dahlia eagerly. "Where
is he?" "We will track him down," announced Archie. "I
will go to the We found Simpson in the pig-sty. The third hole, as he was planning "If you're looking for the old sow," I said, "there
she is, just "What's the local rule about
loose pigs blown on to the course?" "Oh, you fellows, there you are," said Simpson rapidly. "I'm
getting "We've come to see your swing, Samuel," said Myra. "Can
you do it in "I'll come out. This ball's
lost, I'm afraid." "One of the little pigs will eat it," complained Archie, "and
we Simpson came out and proceeded to give his display. Fortunately the "This is my swing," said
Simpson. He settled himself ostentatiously into his stance and placed his "Middle," said Archie. Simpson frowned and began to waggle his club. He waggled it "It's a very nice swing," said
Myra at the end of the ninth Simpson said nothing, but drew his club slowly and jerkily back, "You can see it better round this side now," suggested
Archie. "He'll split if he goes on," said
Thomas anxiously. "Watch this," I warned Myra. "He's
going to pick a pin out of the Then Simpson let himself go, finishing up in a very creditable knot "That's quite good," said Dahlia. "Does
it do as well when there's a "Well, I miss it sometimes,
of course." "We all do that," said
Thomas. Thus encouraged, Simpson put down a ball and began to address it. It "I'm a little nervous," he
said. "Not so nervous as the pigs are," said
Archie. Simpson finished his address and got on to his swing. He swung. He Luckily the weather had held up till the last. "Well, well," said Archie, "it's
time for lunch. We have had a Sometimes I do a little work in the morning. Doctors are agreed now But Dahlia didn't keep her promise. My first hour was peaceful, but "Oh, I say," began Thomas, "will
you come and--but I suppose you're "Not too busy," I said, "to
spare a word or two for an old friend," "This is the end," I
said to myself, and after five minutes more "Now then," I said, when that blessed hour arrived, "tell
me about "It's your fault for shutting
yourself up." "Duty," I said, slapping my chest--"duty," and
I knocked my glass "Let's talk very fast and pretend we didn't notice it," said
Myra, "Well, it's like this," said Archie. "A
little while ago the Vicar "I don't see that that's any
reason for keeping me in the "When I say a little while
ago I mean about three weeks. We'd have "You'll have to help, please," said
Dahlia. "Only don't spill anything," said
Thomas. They have a poor sense of humour in the Admiralty. . . . . . . . I took a baby in each hand and wandered off to look for bees. Their "The best bees are round here," I
said, and I led them along to the "Two more for your collection," I announced. "Very
fine specimens. "Aren't they darlings? Sit
down, babies, and the pretty gentleman "Meaning me?" I asked
in surprise. Myra looked beseechingly at me as "Once upon a time," I said, "there
was a--a--there was a--was a--a Myra nodded approvingly. She seemed to like the story so far. I "At least," I went on, "he
thought he was a bee, but as he grew up Myra shook her head at me and frowned. My story was getting "However," I added, "the
old name stuck to him, and they all called But at this moment my story was interrupted. "Come here," shouted Archie from the distance. "You're
wanted." "I'm sorry," I said, getting up quickly. "Will
you finish the story "Help Simpson with some of these races," said Archie. "He's
getting Simpson had started two races simultaneously; hence the trouble. In "Hallo, there you are," said Simpson. "Do
help me; I shall be mobbed "You never ought to go about
without somebody. Where's Thomas?" "He's playing rounders. He
scored a rounder by himself just now from "Are you sure?" "What do you mean?" said
Simpson. "It sounds too exciting to
be true. I can't believe it." "Go on, there's a good chap.
They'll know how to play all right." "Oh, very well. Do they take
their boots off first or not?" Twos and Threes was a great success. I found that I had quite a FLAIR for the game. I seemed to take to By the time our match was finished Simpson's little footwear trouble "I think they are all enjoying it," said
Dahlia. "They love it," I said; "Thomas
is perfectly happy making rounders." "But I meant the children.
Don't you think they love it too? The "I think so. She's got rather
a good one about a bee. Oh, yes, "I hope they all had enough
to eat at tea." "Allowing for a little natural
shyness I think they did well. And I Dahlia stood looking down at the children, young and old, playing in "Now," she said, "I
feel the house is REALLY warm." "Archie," said Blair, "what's
that big empty room above the "That," said Archie, "is
where we hide the corpses of our guests. I "This is rather sudden," I said. "I'm
not at all sure that I should "Don't frighten them, dear;
tell them the truth." "Well, the truth is," said Archie, "that
there was some idea of a "Then why haven't we done
any? We came down here to open your house "It's too hot. But we'll do
a little charade to-night if you "Hooray," said Myra, "I
know a lovely word." Myra's little word was in two syllables and required three "Oh, good-morning," said
Myra. She had added a hat and a sunshade to "Good-morning, mum," said
Archie, hitching up his apron and "I just want this ribbon matched,
please." "Certainly, mum. Won't your
little boy--I beg pardon, the old "Your grandfather is in a
bit of a draught, I'm afraid, mum. It "If it's very near it will
do." "Now what colour would you call that?" wondered
Archie, with his "Show the lady what you have got," I
said sternly. "Well, mum, I'm right out
of ribbon, altogether. The fact is I'm "Oh, shall we have a nice roller?" said
Myra eagerly. "I'm not going to carry it home," I
said. "That's all right, sir. My
little lad will take it up on his Myra took out her purse. We were back in our ordinary clothes. "I wonder if they guessed that," said
Archie. "It was very easy," said Myra. "I
should have thought they'd have "But of course they're not a very clever lot," I explained. "That "Simpson his name is," said Archie. "I
know him well. He's a "Well, he LOOKS learned enough.
I expect he knows all right. But the "Do you think they knew that
we were supposed to be in a shop?" "Surely! Why, I should think
even--What's that man's name over "Why not do it over again
to make sure?" "Oh no, it was perfectly obvious.
Let's get on to the final scene." "I'm afraid that will give it away rather," said
Myra. "I'm afraid so," agreed
Archie. THIRD SCENE We sat on camp-stools and looked up at the ceiling with our mouths "'E's late," said Archie. "I don't believe 'e's coming,
and I don't mind 'oo 'ears me sye so," "'Ot work," I said, wiping
my brow. "Nar, not up there. Not 'ot.
Nice and breezy like." "But 'e's nearer the sun than
wot we are, ain't 'e?" "Ah, but 'e's not 'ot. Not
up there." "'Ere, there 'e is," cried Myra, jumping up excitedly. "Over
there. There was silence for a little, and then Archie took a sandwich out "Wunner wot they'll invent next," he
said, and munched stolidly. . . . . . . . "Well done," said Dahlia. "Thomas and I have been trying to guess," said Simpson, "but
the "Can't you really guess?" said
Myra eagerly. "I don't know whether I want
you to or not. Oh no, I don't want you "Then I withdraw 'mangel-wurzel,'" said
Simpson gallantly. "I think I can guess," said Blair. "It's--" "Whisper it," said Simpson. "I'm
never going to know." Blair whispered it. "Yes," said Myra disappointedly, "that's
it." "Nine," said Archie,
separating his latest victim from the marmalade "Does that include MY wasp?" asked
Myra. "There are only ten here," said Archie, looking into the basin, "and "Well, I didn't exactly kill
him. I smacked him with a teaspoon and "Have one of mine," I said, pushing my plate across. "Have "I don't really want to kill
anything. I killed a rabbit once and I "I nearly killed a rabbit
once, and I wished I had." "Great sportsmen at a glance," said Archie. "Tell
us about it before "It was a fierce affair while
it lasted. The rabbit was sitting down "And missed him?" "Y-yes. He heard the report,
though. I mean, you mustn't think he "A very lucky escape for you," said Archie. "I
once knew a man who All that day we grilled in the heat. Myra and I started a game of "The heat in my room," announced Archie, "breaks
all records. The "No," said Thomas, "let's
sleep out to-night." "What do you say, Dahlia?" "It's a good idea. You can
all sleep on the croquet lawn, and Myra "Hadn't you better have the
croquet lawn? Thomas walks in his sleep, "You'll have to bring down your own mattresses," went
on Dahlia, "I'm glad we've got the tennis lawn," said Myra; "it's
much "We shall be very close to Nature to-night," said Archie. "Now
we We were very close to Nature that night, but in the early morning "I can't help it," he
explained to Archie, who had given expression "It's your own fault," said Archie. "Why
do you egg them on? I don't "Conf--There! I've been stung." "You've been what?" "Stung." "Stung. Where?" "In the neck." "In the neck?" Archie turned over to me. "Simpson," he
said, "has I woke up Thomas. "Simpson," I said, "has
been stung in the neck." "Good," said Thomas,
and went to sleep again. "We've told Thomas," said Archie. "Now,
are you satisfied?" "Get away, you brute," shouted
Simpson, suddenly, and dived under Archie and I lay back and shouted with laughter. "It's really very silly of him," said Archie, "because--go I came up from under my sheet and
looked at my watch. "Four-thirty," "We must wait till five-thirty," said Archie. "Simpson
was quite He leant out of bed to tell him so, and then thought better of it At five-thirty a gallant little party made its way to the house, its "Gently," said Archie,
as we came in sight of the tennis lawn. We went very gently. There were only wasps on the tennis lawn, but "Seeing that this is our last day together," began
Archie-- "Oh, DON'T," said Myra. "I
can't bear it." "Seeing that this is our first
day together, we might have a little "Well, I daresay I can find
something." "Any old thing that we don't
want will do; nothing showy or "Yes, but if there IS a pot of home-made marmalade going with it," I "Dahlia, earmark the marmalade
for this gentleman. Now, what's it "Why, of course," said Myra. "Hasn't
he been getting it ready for "That will give him an unfair advantage," I pointed out. "He
knows "Oh, I say, there aren't any greens yet," protested
Simpson. "I saw him doing that," said Archie. "I
was afraid he expected us to The game fixed upon, we proceeded to draw for partners. "You'll have to play with me, Archie," said Dahlia, "because
I'm no "I shall have to play with Myra," I said, "because
I'm no good at "Oh, I'm very good," said
Myra. "That looks as though I should have to play with--" "Simpson," "You're all giving me a lot of trouble," said
Archie, putting his It was a stroke competition, and each couple went round by itself. "Now we've got to win this," she said, "because
we shan't play "That's a nice cheery thing
to say to a person just when he's "Oh, NO!" I addressed and despatched the ball. It struck a wall about eighty "Can't you make it climb the wall?" I
asked. "We shall have to go back,
I'm afraid. We can pretend we left our She chipped it back about twenty yards, and I sent it on again about "Five," I said. "You
know, I don't think you're helping me much. All Myra smiled cheerfully at me and
did the next hole in one. "Well "Oh, at the short holes I
don't deny that you're useful. Where do we "Over the barn. This is the
long hole." I got in an excellent drive, but unfortunately it didn't aviate "Did you say IN the barn or OVER the barn?" I
asked, as we hurried "We do play an exciting game, don't we?" said
Myra. We got into the barn and found the ball and a little glass on the "What a very small hole it made," said
Myra, pointing to the broken "You'll have to go back through
the hole. It's an awkward little "I don't think I could." "No, it IS rather a difficult
stroke. You want to stand well behind "I don't think there is or
I should have heard it. Samuel's been "Then there's only one thing for it." I
pointed to the window at the Myra gave a little gurgle of delight. "But we shall have to save up our pocket-money," she
said. Her ball hit the wood in between two panes and bounded back. My next "It's simply sickening that
we can't break a window when we're "Oh, good SHOT!" cried
Myra above the crash. We hurried out and did At lunch, having completed eighteen holes out of the thirty-six, we "But I expect he'll go to pieces in the afternoon," said
Thomas. He We started our second round brilliantly; continued (after an unusual "How many?" said the
others, coming up excitedly. "This is terrible," said Myra, putting her hand to her heart. "A "Golly," said Thomas, "you've
got one for it. We did a hundred and "We did a hundred and forty-two," said Archie. "Close
play at the "Oh," said Myra to me, "DO be careful. Oh, but no," she
went on "You forget the little pot of home-made marmalade," I
said "Go on," whispered Myra. I went on. There was a moment's silence--and then a deep sigh from "How about it?" I said
calmly. Loud applause. "Well," said Dahlia, "you
and Myra make a very good couple. I "It doesn't really matter," said Myra breathlessly, "because
on the "We arranged to give each other one," I
said, smiling at Dahlia. Dahlia looked very hard at us. "You DON'T mean--?" Myra laughed happily. "Oh," she said, "but
that's just what we do." TEN AND EIGHT The only event of importance last week was my victory over Henry by The difference between Henry and me is that he is what I should call "I'll have ten this time," I
said, as we walked to the tee. "Better have twelve. I beat
you with eleven yesterday." "Thank you," I said haughtily, "I will have ten." It
is true that he Henry teed up and drove a "Pink Spot" out
of sight. Henry swears by "Five," said Henry. "Seven," said I; "and
if I take three bisques it's my hole." "You must only take one at a time," protested
Henry. "Why? There's nothing in Wisden
or Baedeker about it. Besides, I "Well, of course, if you like
to waste them all at the start--" "I'm not wasting them, I'm
creating a moral effect. Behold, I have Henry went to the next tee slightly ruffled and topped his ball into "I shan't take any bisques here," I said. "Two
up." At the third tee my "Quo Vadis" darted
off suddenly to the left and The fourth hole was prettily played by both of us, and with two "Six up," I pointed out to Henry, "and
three bisques left. They're "Go on," growled Henry. "I once did a two at this hole," I said as I teed my ball. "If
I did At this hole you have to drive over a chasm in the cliffs. My ball "I'm in this cave," I
said when we had found Henry's ball; and with "How many?" I asked Henry. "Six," he said, as he
hit the top of the cliff once more, and shot I left him and chivied my ball round to where the cliffs are lowest; "I've played twenty-five," he
shouted. "Then you'll want some of my bisques," I said. "I
can lend you three Henry had one more rally and then picked his ball up. I had won "Dormy nine," I said at the tenth tee, "and
no bisques left." "Thank Heaven for that," sighed
Henry. "But I have only to halve one hole out of nine," I
pointed out. "Oh, shut up and drive." I am a bad golfer, but even bad golfers do holes in bogey now and What happened, put quite briefly, was this. Bogey for the tenth is "Luck!" said Henry, as
soon as he could speak. "I've been missing those lately," I
said. "Your match," said Henry; "I
can't play against luck like that." It was true that he had given me ten bisques, but, on the other However, I was too magnanimous to point that out. All I said was, And then I added thoughtfully, "I
don't think I've ever won by more "You'll play tennis?" said my hostess absently. "That's
right. Let "Oh, we've met before," smiled
Miss--I've forgotten the name again "Thank you," I said gratefully.
I thought it was extremely nice of "Smooth," said a voice. I looked up and found that a pair of opponents had mysteriously "I'll take the right-hand side, if you don't mind," she
announced. "Oh, but we shan't want to
apologize; I'm sure we're going to get on "I suppose you've played a
lot this summer?" "No, not at all yet, but I'm
feeling rather strong, and I've got a Our male opponent served. He had what I should call a nasty swift "Will you serve?" said
Miss--I wish I could remember her surname. "Will you serve?" said
Miss Hope. In the right-hand court I use the American service, which means that "Oh, is THAT the American service?" said
Miss Hope, much interested. "South American," I explained. "Down
in Peru they never use anything In the left-hand court I employ the ordinary Hampstead Smash into "I've got a new racket I've never used before," I said. "My
old one In the third game we not only got the ball over but kept it between "It's all right, thanks," I said to my partner; "it
really doesn't Miss Hope excelled herself in that fifth game, but I was still "Are you musical?" said
my partner at the end of it. (FIVE, LOVE.) "Come, come," I said impatiently, "you
don't want a song at this "Oh, I was only just wondering." "I quite see your point. You
feel that Nature always compensates us "Oh, no!" said Miss Hope in great confusion. "I
didn't mean that at She must have meant it. You don't talk to people about singing in The Westminster Welt is in theory the same as the Hampstead Smash, Well, we won that game, a breeze having just sprung up; and, carried "Good-bye," I said; "I
suppose you want me in the fore-front again?" "Please." "I don't mind HER shots--the
bottle of scent is absolutely safe; but Miss Hope started off with a double, which was rather a pity, and "Don't you think," said Miss Hope (TWO, FIVE--ABANDONED), "that "My dear," said Jeremy,
as he folded back his paper at the sporting "There's a nasty cold upon Baby once again," said Mrs Jeremy. "I "No child of mine would ever have measles," said
Jeremy confidently. "Mr Jeremy Smith is expected
to make double figures." Jeremy sat up indignantly. "Well of all the wifely things
to say! Who was top of our averages "Plummer. Because you presented
the bat to him yourself." "That proves nothing. I gave
myself a bat too, as it happens; and a "As it was, the weather only
allowed you to give a chance to the "I was getting the pace of the pitch," said Jeremy. "Besides,
it "Then," said his wife, "it's
a pity you don't play more often." Jeremy got up and made a few strokes with the poker. "One of us is rather stiff," he said. "Perhaps
it's the poker. If I "Of course we shall both come." "And you won't let Baby jeer
at me if I'm bowled by a shooter." "She won't know what a shooter
is." "Then you can tell her that
it's the only ball that ever bowls "I'll tell her all that she ought to know," said his wife. "And
when Jeremy gave himself another catch, threw the wool to his wife and "Really, it has wintered rather well," he said, "considering
that it "It looks very old," said Mrs Jeremy. "Is
that really your new one?" "Yes, this is the one that
played the historic innings. It has only "You ought to have oiled it,
Jeremy." "Oil--that was what I meant.
I'll do it now. We'll give it a good "I think, most of all, it
would like a little practice." "My dear, that's true. It
said in the paper that on the County "Very badly, Jeremy." "The worse you bowl the more
practice the bat will get. Or what "I think she'd better stay
in to-day." "What a pity. Nurse tells
me she's left-handed, and I particularly "You don't want your daughter
to be an athletic girl, do you?" Jeremy looked at her in surprise and then sat down on the arm of her "Surely, dear," he said gravely, "we
decided that our child was "Not a girl!" "Why not? There's nothing
in the rules about it. Rule 197 (B) says Mrs Jeremy smiled and ruffled his hair. "Well," said Jeremy, "if
nobody will bowl to me, I can at least take He went out into the garden, and did not appear again until lunch. "There!" he said proudly,
pointing to a cricket pitch beautifully "Heavenly," she said. "You
must ask someone up to-morrow. You can "Yes, I shall make a lot of runs this season," said
Jeremy airily. Mrs Jeremy took a deep breath. "Yes,
there's nothing like a bucket "I'm glad you think so too," said
Jeremy with an air of relief, Thomas took a day off last Monday in order to play golf with me. For Something--some premonition of this, no doubt--seemed to be "Rotten weather," he
growled, as he came up the steps of the club. "I'm very sorry," I said. "I
keep on complaining to the secretary "What's that?" "He taps the barometer every
morning, and says it will clear up in Thomas looked at the rain and decided to let it stop. I made him as At about half-past eleven the rain stopped for a moment, and we "The course is a little wet," I
said apologetically, as we stood on "How do you know which is
which?" "You'll soon find out. The
river is much deeper. Go on--your drive." Thomas won the first hole very easily. We both took four to the "I expect there's a rule about it," I said, "if
we only knew, which "I shall want some dry socks for lunch," he
muttered, as he sploshed "Anything you want for lunch
you can have, my dear Thomas. I promise Honours, it turned out, were divided. I lost the hole, and Thomas "There's rather a nasty place along here," I
said. "The Secretary was sucked
in the other day, and only rescued by the Thomas drove a good one. I topped mine badly, and it settled down in "Well," said Thomas, as he reached his ball, "that's
not what I call "It's what we call a corkscrew lie down here," I explained. "If
you Thomas had got out of the fairway in one, but he still seemed "My eye," he said, bending down in agony; "I've
got about half He walked round in circles saying strange nautical things, and my "Anything you'd like me to do with my ears?" he asked bitterly. "If I approached with my handkerchief and examined the eye carefully. "See anything?" asked
Thomas. "My dear Thomas, it's FULL
of turf. We mustn't forget to replace "Worse than ever." "Try not to think about it.
Keep the OTHER eye on the ball as much "How do you know?" "I saw it losing itself. It
went into the bad place I told you "I think I shall turn my trousers up again," said
Thomas, bending "No; it is left entirely to
the discretion and good taste of the The game proceeded, and we reached the twelfth tee without any At the twelfth tee it was raining harder than ever. We pounded along "How about it?" said
Thomas. "My hole, I think; and that
makes us all square." "I mean how about the rain?
And it's just one o'clock." "Just as you like. Well, I
suppose it is rather wet. All right, We had lunch. Thomas had it in the only dry things he had brought After tea his proper clothes were dry enough in places to put on, "It's really rotten luck," said
Thomas, as we prepared to leave, "Beastly, Thomas?" I said in amazement. "The
ONE day? I'm afraid you "I hardly ever play round
London." "I thought not. Then let me
tell you that to-day's was the best "Golly!" said Thomas. AN INFORMAL EVENING DINNER was a very quiet affair. Not a soul drew my chair away from We strolled leisurely into the drawing-room. A glance told me the "We were trying to go underneath the poker," she explained. "Can
you I waved the poker back. "Let me see you do it again," I said. "I
missed the first part." "Oh, I can never do it. Bob,
you show us." Bob is an active young fellow. He took the poker, rested the end on "Yes, that's how I should do it," I
said hastily. But Miss Power was firm. She gave me the poker. I pressed it hard on "Oh, what a pity!" said Miss Power. "I
quite thought you'd done it." "Being actually on the spot," I said, "I
knew that I hadn't." "Do try again." "Not till the ground's a little
softer." "Let's do the jam-pot trick," said
another girl. "I'm not going under a jam-pot for anybody," I
murmured. However, it turned out that this trick was quite different. You I was ready to give way to the ladies here, but even while I was "Well played, Bob," said
somebody. The bounder had done it. I looked at his jam-pot. "There you are," I said, "'Raspberry--1909.'
Mine's I refused to try it again as I didn't think I was being treated "Of course you can pick a pin out of a chair with your teeth?" said "Not properly," I said. "I
always swallow the pin." "I suppose it doesn't count if you swallow the pin," said
Miss Power "I don't know. I've never
really thought about that side of it much. Accordingly we passed on to the water-trick. I refused at this, but "Here's a nice little trick," broke
in Bob, as I was preparing He had put two chairs together, front to front, and was standing "Can YOU do it?" I said
to Miss Power. "Come and try," said Bob to me. "It's
not really difficult." I went and stood over the chairs. Then I moved them apart and walked "Good-bye," I said; "I'm
afraid I must go now." "Coward!" said somebody,
who knew me rather better than the others. "It's much easier than you think," said
Bob. "I don't think it's easy at all," I protested. "I
think it's I went back and stood over the chairs again. For some time I waited "What happens if you just
miss it?" "I suppose you bark your shins
a bit." "Yes, that's what I thought." I bent my knees again, worked my arms up and down, and then stopped "What happens if you miss
it pretty easily?" "Oh, YOU can do it, if Bob can," said
Miss Power kindly. "He's practised. I expect
he started with two hassocks and worked up I jumped up and came down again the same way for practice. "Very well," I said. "Now
I'm going to try. I haven't the faintest "Well done," cried everybody. "Did I do it?" I whispered,
as I sat on the floor and pressed a "Rather!" "Then," I said, massaging my ankles, "next
time I shall try to THE CONTINENTAL MANNER OF course I should recognize Simpson anywhere, even at a masked "Samuel," I said gravely, tapping him on the shoulder, "I
shall have He turned round with a start. "Hallo!" he said eagerly. "How
splendid! But, my dear old chap, why "I am," I explained. "I've
come as an architect. Luckily the evening "How do you like my dress?
I am an executioner. I left my axe in the "So I observe. You know, in
real life, one hardly ever meets an "By Jove," said Simpson, "there
she is again." Columbine in a mask hurried past us and mixed with the crowd. What "Ask her for a dance," I suggested. "Be
a gay dog, Simpson. Wake "Exactly," said Simpson in some excitement. "One
naturally looks for "She was cold, Samuel, I fear?" "She said, 'Sorry, I'm full
up.'" "A ruse, a mere subterfuge.
Now, look here, ask her again, and be "By Jove, I will," said
Simpson, with great decision. I wandered into the ball-room and looked round. Columbine was "Do you ever dance with architects?" I
asked her. "I do sometimes." she said. "Not in Lent," she
added. "In Lent," I agreed, "one
has to give up the more furious pleasures. We finished the dance and retired to the stairs. "I want you to do something for me," I
began cautiously. "Anything except go into supper
again. I've just done that for "No, it's not that. The fact
is, I have a great friend called "It sounds a case for help," she
murmured. "He is here to-night disguised
as an executioner in glasses. He is, "All the same, I managed to just now," she
gurgled. "I know. He asked you for
a dance and you rebuffed him. Well, he is "No doubt I should grow to love him," she agreed; "but
I didn't much "He is naturally as harmless as a lamb," I said; "but
at a dance Columbine looked at me thoughtfully, nodding her head, and slowly "You see," I said, "the
possibilities." "He shall have his dance," she
said decidedly. "Thank you very much. I should
like to ask for another dance for "Of course I shouldn't tell
you." "Well, anyhow, you'll have
had enough of us by then. But softly--he . . . . . . . So I can't say with authority what happened between Simpson and "Oh, I say, old chap," he began jauntily, "do
you know--match, "You're too old to go to a
circus now, Simpson. Come and have a day "Don't be an ass; it's a place
like Oxford Circus. I suppose it's in "Perhaps her rich uncle is
in a bank, and she wants to shoot him. I Simpson took off his mask and spectacles and wiped his brow. "Dear old chap," he said in a solemn voice, "in
the case of a woman "Well, if there's going to
be a duel you should have chosen some Simpson was silent for a minute or two. Then a foolish smile flitted "Don't do anything that your mother wouldn't like," I
said "Are chrysanthemums in season?" he asked casually. "Anyhow,
I "You could, Simpson. And you
could put it in your button-hole, so "At the Carlton. Old chap,
I got quite carried away. Things seemed "And what's she going to wear
so that you can recognize HER?" "Yes," said Simpson, getting up, "that's
the worst of it. I told her I think that I must be at Finsbury Circus to-morrow, for certainly THE MAKING OF A CHRISTMAS STORY (AS CARRIED OUT IN THE BEST END OF FLEET STREET) YULETIDE! London at Yuletide! A mantle of white lay upon the Embankment, where our story opens, [EDITOR. Come, I like this. This is going to be good. A cold day, AUTHOR. Very.] All at once the quiet of the morning was disturbed. In the distance The Duke, father of four fine children, waking in his Highland The Merchant Prince, turning over in his Streatham residence, heard, The Pauper in his workhouse, up betimes, heard, and chuckled at the And, on the Embankment, Robert Hardrow, with a cynical smile on his [EDITOR. We really are getting to the story now, are we not? AUTHOR. It was Christmas day, so much at least was clear to him. With that Lady Alice! The cause of it all! His thoughts flew back to that last scene, but twenty-four hours A last cry from her--"Go,
and let me never see your face again!" A last sneer from him--"I
will go, but first give me back the Then a slammed door and--silence. What use, without her guidance, to try to keep straight any more? [EDITOR. It all seems to have happened rather rapidly, does it not? Handsome Hardow! How absurd it sounded now! He had let his beard [EDITOR. Yes, yes. Of course, I quite admit that a man might go to EDITOR. Certainly. AUTHOR. Well, it's the same idea as that. EDITOR. Ah, quite so, quite so. AUTHOR. Where was I? EDITOR. A scar over one eye was just testifying--I suppose he had ---testified to a drunken frolic of an hour or two ago. Never The-- He was-- Er--the-- [EDITOR. Yes? AUTHOR. To tell the truth I am rather stuck for the moment. EDITOR. What is the trouble? AUTHOR. I don't quite know what to do with Robert for ten hours or EDITOR. Couldn't he go somewhere by a local line? AUTHOR. This is not a humorous story. The point is that I want him EDITOR. If I were Robert I should certainly start at once. AUTHOR. No, I have it.] As he sat there, his thoughts flew over the bridge of years, and he That Christmas abroad.... The merry house-party at the place of his Cambridge friend.... Yuletide at The Towers, where he had first met Alice! Ah! Ten hours passed rapidly thus... . . . . . . . [AUTHOR. I put dots to denote the flight of years. EDITOR. Besides, Robert got up and shook himself. [EDITOR. One moment. This is a Christmas story. When are you coming AUTHOR. I really can't be bothered about robins just now. I assure EDITOR. We must. My readers expect a robin, and they shall have it. AUTHOR. Yes, yes; but wait. We shall come to little Elsie soon, and EDITOR. Little Elsie. Good!] Robert got up and shook himself. Then he shivered miserably, as the [EDITOR. YOu forget. The river was frozen. AUTHOR. Dash it, I was just going to say that.] But no! Even in this Fate was against him. THE RIVER WAS FROZEN What happened afterwards Robert never quite understood. Almost [EDITOR Quite so. The whole forming a magnificent estate for a Robert stood at the entrance to one of these houses, and the iron Almost unconsciously he wandered down the drive, hardly realizing [EDITOR. Now for the robin. AUTHOR. I am very sorry. I have just remembered something rather EDITOR. That is really very awkward. I have already arranged with an AUTHOR. ELSIE ALWAYS HAD HER PORRIDGE upstairs.] A terrible thought had come into Robert's head. It was nearly twelve The temptation was too much for a conscience already sodden with [EDITOR. THIS IS BETTER. I ORDERED A TURKEY, I REMEMBER. WHAT ABOUT AUTHOR. WE MUST LET THE READERS TAKE SOMETHING FOR GRANTED EDITOR. I AM NOT SO SURE. COULDN'T YOU SAY SOMETHING LIKE THIS: Indeed, even holly and mistletoe hung in festoons upon the wall. [EDITOR. THANK YOU.] With a sigh of content Hardrow flung himself into a chair, and "Dood-evening," said a voice. "Are
you Father Kwistmas?" Robert turned suddenly, and gazed in amazement at the white-robed "Elsie," he murmured
huskily. [EDITOR. HOW DID HE KNOW? AND WHY "HUSKILY"? AUTHOR. HE DIDN'T KNOW, HE GUESSED. AND HIS MOUTH WAS FULL.] "Are you Father Kwistmas?" repeated
Elsie. Robert felt at his chin, and thanked Heaven again that he had let "Yes, my dear," he said. "I
just looked in to know what you would "You're late, aren't oo? Oughtn't
oo to have come this morning?" [EDITOR. THIS IS SPLENDID. THIS QUITE RECONCILES ME TO THE ABSENCE AUTHOR. I AM MAKING ROBERT ASK HER THAT QUESTION DIRECTLY. EDITOR. YES, BUT JUST TELL ME NOW--BETWEEN FRIENDS. AUTHOR. SHE HAD LEFT HER GOLLIWOG IN THE ROOM, AND COULDN'T SLEEP EDITOR. I KNEW THAT WAS IT.] "If I'm late, dear," said Robert, with a smile, "why,
so are you." The good food and wine in his veins were doing their work, and a "To what," he continued lightly, "do
I owe the honour of this "I came downstairs for my dolly," said Elsie. "The
one you sent me "Of course I do, my dear." "And what have you bwought
me now, Father Kwistmas?" Robert started. If he was to play the role successfully he must find Stay! The gold locket studded with diamonds and rubies, which "A little something to wear round your neck, child," he said. "See!" "Thank oo," said Elsie. "Why,
it opens!" "Yes, it opens," said
Robert moodily. "Why, it's Alith! Sister Alith!" [EDITOR. HA! AUTHOR. I THOUGHT YOU'D LIKE THAT.] Robert leapt to his feet as if he had been shot. "Who?" he cried. "My sister Alith. Does oo
know her too?" Alice's sister! Heavens! He covered his face with his hands. The door opened. [EDITOR. HA AGAIN!] "What are you doing here, Elsie?" said a voice. "Go
to bed, child. "Father Kwithmath, thithter." [EDITOR. HOW EXACTLY DO YOU WORK THE LISPING? AUTHOR. WHAT DO YOU MEAN? DON'T CHILDREN OF ELSIE'S TENDER YEARS EDITOR. YES; BUT JUST NOW SHE SAID "KWISTMAS" QUITE
CORRECTLY-- AUTHOR. I AM GLAD YOU NOTICED THAT. THAT WAS AN EFFECT WHICH I EDITOR. YETH, I THEE.] "Send her away," cried
Robert, without raising his head. The door opened, and closed again. "Well," said Alice calmly, "and
who are you? You may have lied to The miserable man raised his shamefaced head and looked haggardly at "Alice!" he muttered, "don't
you remember me?" She gazed at him earnestly. "Robert! But how changed!" "Since we parted, Alice, much
has happened." "Yet it seems only yesterday
that I saw you!" [EDITOR. IT was ONLY YESTERDAY. AUTHOR. YES, YES. DON'T INTERRUPT NOW, PLEASE.] "To me it has seemed years." "But what are you doing here?" said
Alice. "Rather, what are YOU doing here?" answered
Robert. [EDITOR. I THINK ALICE'S QUESTION WAS THE MORE REASONABLE ONE.] "My uncle Joseph lives here." Robert gave a sudden cry. "Your uncle Joseph! Then I
have broken into your uncle Joseph's Lady Alice looked gently at the wretched figure in front of her. "I am glad to see you again," she said. "Because
I wanted to say "Alice!" "Can you forgive me?" "Forgive you? If you knew
what my life has been since I left you! If With a gesture of infinite compassion she stopped him. "Then let us forgive each other," she said with a smile. "A
new year He took her in his arms. "Listen," he said. In the distance the bells began to ring in the New Year. A message [EDITOR. I THOUGHT CHRISTMAS DAY HAD STARTED ON THE EMBANKMENT. THIS EDITOR. THAT'S ALL VERY WELL. _I_ HAVE A GOOD DEAL TO EXPLAIN AS IT AUTHOR. _I_ AM AFRAID _I_ CANNOT WORK TO ORDER. EDITOR. YES, _I_ KNOW. THE ARTIST SAID THE SAME THING. WELL, _I_ Once upon a time there was a King who had three sons. The two eldest But alas! his father the King was not so fond. He preferred his Now there lived in the Palace an old woman called Countess Caramel, "Countess, I have made up
my mind, and I am going into the world to "I have been waiting for this," said the Countess. "Here
is a magic Charming thanked her and put the ring on his finger. Then he turned "Speak and I will obey," said
the dwarf. Now Charming didn't want anything at all just then, so after The dwarf, a little surprised, disappeared. "This is splendid," thought
Charming, and he started on his travels The sun was at its highest as he came to a thick wood, and in its "Princess," he said tenderly,
for he knew she must be a Princess, "Fair Sir," she answered, "I
had thought to be alone. But, since you But Charming did not want to talk about brothers. He sat down on a "I think you are the most lovely lady in all the world," he
said. "Am I?" said the Princess,
whose name, by the way, was Beauty. She looked away from him and there was silence between them. "Ever since I have known you--" "You are in need of help?" said
the dwarf, appearing suddenly. "Certainly not," said Charming angrily. "Not
in the least. I can "Speak, and I will obey." "Then go away," said
Charming; and the dwarf, who was beginning to The Princess, having politely pretended to be looking for something "Come with me," she said, "and
I will show you how you can help me." She took him by the hand and led him down a narrow glade to a little "There is a giant called Blunderbus," she said, "who
lives in a "Why a tortoise?" said
Charming, knowing that sympathy was useless, "I don't know. He just thought
of it. It--it isn't a very nice thing "And why should he turn your
BROTHER into it? I mean, if he had "Thank you," said Beauty. "But I don't understand why--" "He knew he could hurt me
more by making my brother a tortoise than This was a new idea to Charming, who had two brothers of his own; "Oh, what does it matter WHY he did it?" she
cried as he was about "Princess," said Charming remorsefully, and kissed her hand, "tell "My brother," said Beauty, "was
to have met me here. He is late "But how can I help him?" asked
Charming. "It is like this. The only
way in which the enchantment can be taken Here she looked down and burst into tears. "The seven years," she sobbed, "are
over at sundown this afternoon." "I see," said Charming
thoughtfully. "Here IS my brother," cried
Beauty. An enormous tortoise came slowly into view. Beauty rushed up to him "Charmed," said the Tortoise. "You
can't miss the castle; it's the "I have a friend who will help me," said
Charming, fingering his "Well, I only hope you'll
be luckier than the others." "The others?" cried Charming,
in surprise. "Yes; didn't she tell you
about the others who had tried?" "I forgot to," said Beauty,
frowning at him. "Ah, well, perhaps in that
case we'd better not go into it now," "Very little," said Charming. "In
fact--" "Then you don't happen to
know what they eat?" "I'm afraid I don't." "Dash it, why doesn't ANYBODY
know? The others all made the most "If I may say so," said Charming, "I
should have thought that YOU "The same silly idea they all have," said
the Tortoise testily. "I never thought of that." "No one does, except me. And I can think of nothing else." He
paused "You needn't bother about that," said Charming briskly. "By
to-night As soon as he was alone, Charming turned the ring round his finger, "The same as usual?" said
the dwarf, preparing to vanish at the "No, no," said Charming hastily. "I really want you this time." He Instantly a gleaming sword was at his feet. He picked it up and "Is this really a magic sword?" "It has but to inflict one scratch," said the dwarf, "and
the result Charming, who had been feeling the blade, took his thumb away "Then I shall want a cloak of darkness," he
said. "Behold, here it is. Beneath
this cloak the wearer is invisible to "One thing more," said Charming. "A
pair of seven-league boots.... Directly the dwarf was gone, Charming kicked off his shoes and "Let me see," he reflected; "the
castle was ten miles away. These "Well?" said Princess Beauty, "have
you killed him?" "No, n-no," stammered Charming, "not
exactly killed him. I was He took a quick step in the direction of the castle and found "His head!" said Beauty
eagerly. "I--I must have dropped it," said
Charming, hastily pretending to Eleven miles the wrong side of the castle, Charming sat down to However, by taking one step to the north and another to the The Giant was sitting in front of the fire, his great spiked club "Why do you walk like that?" he said pleasantly to Charming. "The Charming stopped short. "You see me?" he cried
furiously. "Of course I do! Really, you
mustn't expect to come into a house "That miserable dwarf," said Charming savagely, "swore
solemnly to "But then we AREN'T enemies," smiled the Giant sweetly. "I
like you "So that's how he tricked
me!" "Oh, no, it wasn't really
like that. The fact is you are invisible But Charming had had enough of talk. Gripping his sword firmly, he "Victory!" he cried, waving his magic sword above his head. "Thus
is The Giant stared at him for a full minute. Then he put his hands to "Her brother!" he roared. "Well, of all the--Her BROTHER!" He The world suddenly seemed very cold to Charming. He turned the ring "Well?" said the dwarf. "I want," said Charming curtly, "to
be back at home, riding through . . . . . . . An hour later Princess Beauty and Prince Udo, who was not her "You've altered," she
said slowly. "Yes, I'm not REALLY much like a tortoise," said
Udo humorously. "I meant since seven years
ago. You're much stouter than I thought." "Time hasn't exactly stood
still with you, you know, Beauty." "Yet you saw me every day,
and went on loving me." "Well-er--" He shuffled
his feet and looked away. "DIDN'T you?" "Well, you see--of course
I wanted to get back, you see--and as long "You're quite old and bald.
I can't think why I didn't notice it "Well, you wouldn't when I was a tortoise," said Udo pleasantly. "As "I think," said Beauty, weighing her words carefully, "I
think . . . . . . . Charming was home in time for dinner; and next morning he was more THE COMING OF THE CROCUS "IT'S a bootiful day again, Sir," said
my gardener, James, looking "Bootiful, James, bootiful," I
said, as I went on with my work. "You might almost say as spring
was here at last, like." "Cross your fingers quickly,
James, and touch wood. Look here, I'll "Thought praps you'd like
to know there's eleven crocuses in the "Then send them away--we've
got nothing for them." "Crocuses," shouted James. I jumped up eagerly, and climbed through the window. "My dear man," I said, shaking him warmly by the hand, "this
is There they were--eleven of them. Six golden ones, four white, and a "This is a triumph for you,
James. It's wonderful. Has anything like "There'll be some more up
to-morrow, I won't say as not." "Those really are growing,
are they? You haven't been pushing them "There'll be a fine one in the back bed soon," said
James proudly. "In the back--my dear James!
In the spare bed on the north-east "If I has to look after ornamental
gardens and south aspics and all, "By all means raise some celery," I
said coldly. "Take a spade and raise some
for lunch. I shall be only too "This here isn't the season
for celery, as you know well. This "James, you're right. Forgive
me. It is no day for quarrelling." It was no day for working either. The sun shone upon the "James!" I called to
my head gardener. "What is it now?" he
grumbled. "Are there no daffodils to
take the winds of March with beauty?" "There's these eleven croc--" "But there should be daffodils
too. Is not this March?" "It may be March, but 'tisn't
the time for daffodils--not on three "Do you only get three shillings
a week? I thought it was three "Likely an hour!" "Ah well, I knew it was three
shillings. Do you know, James, in the "Lor'!" said James. "Did you say 'lor'' or 'liar'?" I
asked suspiciously. "To think of that now," said
James cautiously. He wandered off to the tapioca grove, leant against it in thought "What's wrong with this little bit of garden--this here park," he "Then for Heaven's sake get
them some clay. Spare no expense. Get "It's too alloovial--that's
what's the matter. Too alloovial. Now, The matter with James is that he hasn't enough work to do. The rest "Almost seems as if they were yooman," he
said, as we stood and "Oh, are you there, James?
It's a beautiful day. Who said that "Them there rooks always make
a place seem so home-like. Rooks and "Yes; well, if the rooks want
to build in the raspberry canes this "Course, some do like to see
primroses, I don't say. But--" "Primroses--I knew there was
something. Where are they?" "It's too early for them," said James hastily. "You
won't get "Don't say 'now,' as if it
were my fault. Why didn't you plant them James spends most of his day with a rake--sometimes leaning on it, As I stood in the sun I had a brilliant idea. "James," I said, "we'll
cut the croquet lawn this afternoon." "You can't play croquet to-day,
it's not warm enough." "I don't pay you to argue,
but to obey. At the same time I should "What's the good of that?" "Why, to encourage the wonderful
day, of course. Where is your James looked at me in disgust. "Gratitude!" he said indignantly to Heaven. "And
there's my eleven The Atherley's flame-flower, I am glad to inform you, is dead. . . . . . . . We started the work five years ago. I was young and ignorant then--I Everybody who came to see us had to be shown the flame-flower. As November came on and the air grew cold, the question whether the For the next three years it was constantly trying different climates And in the August of that year I went and stayed with the Atherleys. One morning at breakfast I challenged Miss Atherley to an immediate "Not directly after," said Mrs Atherley, "it's
so bad for you. I dropped my knife and fork and gazed at her open-mouthed. "Plant your--WHAT?" I
managed to say at last. "Flame-flower. Do you know
it? John brought one down last night--it "It won't take a moment," said Miss Atherley, "and
then I'll beat "But--but you mustn't--you--you mustn't talk like THAT about it," I "Why, what's wrong?" "You're just going to plant
it! Before you play tennis! It isn't "Oh, but do give us any hints--we
shall be only too grateful." "Hints! Just going to plant it!" I
repeated, getting more and more "Is it really so difficult?" asked Mrs Atherley. "We've
seen lots of "In Scotland, yes. Not in the South of England." I
paused, and then "What soil is yours? Do you
plant it very deep? Do they like a lot "Those are mere details of horticulture," I said. "What
I am They laughed. They thought I was joking. "Well, we're going to plant it now, anyhow," said
Miss Atherley. We went out, six of us, Mrs Atherley carrying the precious thing; "It would look rather pretty here," said Mrs Atherley. "Don't
you I gave a great groan. "You--you--you're all wrong again," I said in despair. "You
don't They laughed again, and began to dig up the ground. I turned my back "How would YOU plant it?" they
asked. It was my last chance of making them realize their responsibility. "I cannot say at this moment," I began, "exactly
how the ceremony I paused for breath. "That might do it," I added, "or
it might not. But at least that is Once more they laughed ... and then they planted it. . . . . . . . . These have been two difficult years for me. There have been times "BY THE WAY," she wrote, "THE
FLAME-FLOWER IS DEAD." "By the way"! But even if they had taken the business seriously, even if they had For, though I like the Atherleys very much, though I think them all THE LUCKY MONTH "KNOW thyself," said
the old Greek motto. (In Greek--but this is an For the most part he told me nothing
new. "You are," he said in I have said that he told me little that was new. In one matter, "They," he said-meaning me, "have
unusual business capacity, and are One gets at times these flashes of self-revelation. In an instant I One cannot start commercial enterprises without capital. The first "Good-morning," I said to the cashier, "I
am in rather a hurry. May He assented and retired. After an interminable wait, during which "I think YOU have it," he
said shortly. "Thank you," I replied,
and drove rapidly home again. A lengthy search followed; but after an hour of it one of those "After all," I said to the cashier, "I
only want to know my balance. He withdrew and gave himself up to calculation. I paced the floor It was in four figures. Unfortunately two of them were shillings and Out in the street I had a moment's pause. Hitherto I had regarded my Only for a second. An unsuspected talent which has long lain dormant "Hallo, is that you? Yes,
this is me. What? Yes, awfully, thanks. Business, particularly that sort of commercial enterprise to which I "You're looking very fit," said my solicitor. "No,
not fat, FIT." "You don't think I'm looking thin?" I asked anxiously. "People
are "I suppose they think you oughtn't to strain it too suddenly," said "What is an onyx?" I
said, changing the conversation. "Why?" asked my solicitor,
with his usual business acumen. "Well, I was practically certain
that I had seen one in the Zoo, in The coffee came and we settled down to commerce. "I was just going to ask you," said my solicitor--"have
you any "Whatever else it is doing, it isn't lying idle," I protested. "I "Well, how much have you got?" "About fifty pounds." "It ought to be more than
that." "That's what I say, but you
know what banks are. Actual merit counts "Well, what did you want to
do with it?" "Exactly. That was why I rang you up. I--er--" This
was really my "I might get you a few ground
rents." "Don't. I shouldn't know where
to put them." "But if you really have fifty
pounds simply lying idle I wish you'd ("GENEROUS TO A FAULT, YOU
HAVE A READY SYMPATHY WITH THE "Is it quite etiquette for clients to lend solicitors money?" I "Yes, that's how I wanted
to pay it back." "Bother. Then I'll send you a cheque to-night," I
sighed. And that's where we are at the
moment. "PEOPLE BORN IN THIS MONTH WHEN I am not feeling very well I go to Beatrice for sympathy and "I think," I said carelessly,
wishing to break it to her as gently "Nonsense," said Beatrice. That annoyed me. Why shouldn't I have hay-fever if I wanted to? "If you're going to begrudge me every little thing," I
began. "You haven't even got a cold." As luck would have it a sneeze chose that moment for its arrival. "There!" I said triumphantly. "Why, my dear boy, if you
had hay-fever you'd be sneezing all day." "That was only a sample. There
are lots more where that came from." "Don't be so silly. Fancy
starting hay-fever in September." "I'm not starting it. I am,
I earnestly hope, just finishing it. If "Well, I haven't noticed it." "That's because I'm such a
good actor. I've been playing the part of Beatrice disdained to answer, and by and by I sneezed again. "You certainly have a cold," she
said, putting down her work. "Come, this is something." "You must be careful. How
did you catch it?" "I didn't catch it. It caught
me." "Last week-end?" "No, last May." Beatrice picked up her work again impatiently. I sneezed a third "Is this more the sort of thing you want?" I
said. "What I say is that you couldn't
have had hay-fever all the summer "But, my dear Beatrice, people
do know. In this quiet little suburb "I suppose you mean that in
every house you've been to this summer "That's putting it a little
crudely. What happens is--" "Well, all I can say is, you
know a very silly lot of people." "What happens is that when
the mahogany has been cleared of its "If they wanted to take any
notice of you at all, they could have "Then, as we impatiently bite
the ends off our priceless Havanas--" "They might know that you
couldn't possibly have hay-fever." I sat up suddenly and spoke to Beatrice. "Why on earth SHOULDN'T I have hay-fever?" I demanded. "Have
you any "My dear boy, hay-fever is
a thing people have all their lives, and "Yes, but you must start SOME
time. I'm a little backward, perhaps. Beatrice got up with an air of decision and left the room. For a "You may be right," she
said, putting down a small package and "It's in a lot of languages," I said as I took the wrapper off. "I "So the man said." "Homeopathic. It's made from
the pollen that causes hay-fever. Yes. "Sure to," said Beatrice. "Yes. That makes us a little
thoughtful; we don't want to over-do "But then you started so late,
dear. You haven't really got into the "Yes, but still--you know,
I have my doubts about the gentleman who "Oh, don't give up." "But all the same I know I've
got something. It's a funny thing "What is the opposite of hay?" "Why, bricks and things." I gave a last sneeze and began to wrap up the cure. "Take this pollen stuff back," I said to Beatrice, "and
ask the man "You HAVE got a cold," said
Beatrice. A MODERN CINDERELLA ONCE upon a time there was a beautiful girl who lived in a mansion Cinderella's two sisters were much older and plainer than herself, One day, when she was in the middle of a delightful story, her "Cinderella! Why aren't you
resting, as I told you? You know we are "Oh, mother," pleaded Cinderella, "NEED
I go to the dance?" "Don't be so absurd! Of course
you're going!" "But I've got nothing to wear." "I've told Jennings what you're
to wear. Now go and lie down. I want "Then may I come away at twelve?" begged
Cinderella. "You'll come away when I tell
you." Cinderella made a face and went
upstairs. "Oh, dear," she thought
to Cinderella indeed looked beautiful as they started for the ball; but "Cinderella!" she said. "You
know I said you were to wear the silver "Oh, mother, they ARE so tight," pleaded Cinderella. "Don't
you "Nonsense. Go and put them
on at once." The dance was in full swing when Cinderella arrived. Although her The night wore on slowly. One young man after another trod on The gelatine manufacturer's son took her in to supper. It was "Anything the matter?" said
her partner. "N--no," said Cinderella;
but she made no effort to move. "Well, shall we come?" "Y--yes." She waited a moment longer, dropped her fan under the table, picked "Let's sit down here," she said in the hall; "not
upstairs." They sat in silence; for he had exhausted his stock of questions at "I'll wait here," she said, as a dance began. "If
you see mother, I Her mother came up eagerly. "Well, dear?" she said. "Mother," said Cinderella, "do
take me home at once. Something "It's young Mr Hogbin! I knew
it!" "Who? Oh--er--yes, of course.
I'll tell you all about it in the "Is my little girl going to
be happy?" "I don't know," said Cinderella anxiously. "There's
just a chance." The chance must have come off, for, once in the carriage, Cinderella "Well, dear?" said her
mother again. "You'll NEVER guess, mother," laughed Cinderella. "Try." "I guess that my little daughter
thinks of running away from me," "Oh, how lovely! Why, running
away is simply the LAST thing I could "Cinderella!" "I TOLD you they were too tight," she explained rapidly, "and
I was . . . . . . . . Of course the King's son (or anyhow, Mr Hogbin) ought to have sent Oh, and by the way--I ought to put in a good word for the godmother. "Cinderella!" said her
mother at lunch next day, as she looked up "She wasn't very well when
I left her, but I didn't think it was "She writes that she has obtained
measles. I suppose that means "Dear fairy godmother!" said Cinderella to herself. "She
was a day ANNESLEY BUPP was born one of the Bupps of Hampshire--the Fighting When Annesley started journalism he realized at once that it was It was the month of February; the almanac told him that it wanted a This early success showed Annesley the possibilities of the topical He did not, however, only glorify the past; current events claimed Annesley Bupp had devoted himself to literature for two years before Once recognized as the authority on trams, Bupp was never at a loss You will understand, then, that by the end of 1906 Annesley Bupp had It was not surprising, therefore, that at the beginning of 1907 About this time he was commissioned to write three paragraphs each Until he began to write these paragraphs Annesley Bupp had no Annesley Bupp is now at the zenith
of his fame. The "buppy" of old He is in great request at public dinners, where his speech in reply He contributes to every symposium in the popular magazines. It is all the more to be regretted that his autobiography, The Last LITTLE PLAYS FOR AMATEURS "FAIR MISTRESS DOROTHY" THE SCENE IS AN APARTMENT IN THE MANSION OF Sir Thomas Farthingale. THE PERIOD IS THAT OF CROMWELL--SIXTEEN SOMETHING. THE COSTUMES ARE, IF POSSIBLE, OF THE SAME PERIOD. Mistress Dorothy Farthingale IS SEATED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE STAGE, ENTER My Lord Carey. CAREY. Mistress Dorothy alone! Truly Fortune smiles upon me. DOROTHY (HIDING THE LETTER QUICKLY). An she smiles, my lord, I needs CAREY (USED TO THIS SORT OF THING AND NO LONGER PUT OFF BY IT). Nay, DOROTHY (FEELING THAT THE SOONER HE AND THE AUDIENCE UNDERSTAND THE CAREY (ANNOYED). Zounds, and zounds again! A pest upon the fellow! (He strides up and down the room, keeping DOROTHY (turning upon him a look of hate). Would that you might have CAREY. A traitor to fight against his King! DOROTHY. He fights for what he thinks is right. (She takes out his CAREY (observing the action). You have a letter from him! DOROTHY (hastily concealing it, and turning pale). How know you CAREY. Give it to me! (She shrieks and rises.) By heavens, madam, I Enter Sir Thomas. SIR THOMAS. Odds life, my lord, what means this? CAREY (straightening himself). It means, Sir Thomas, that you SIR THOMAS (sternly). Give me the letter. Ay, 'tis Roger's hand, I CAREY (who does not know the house very well). When is that? SIR THOMAS. Why,'tis now, for I have but recently passed through the CAREY (FIERCELY). In the name of the King, Sir Thomas, I call upon SIR THOMAS (sighing). I loved the boy well, yet--[He shrugs his Enter Roger by a secret door, R. ROGER. My love! DOROTHY (opening her eyes). Roger! ROGER. At last! [For the moment they talk in short sentences like this. Then DOROTHY DOROTHY. Roger! Now I remember! It is not safe for you to stay! ROGER (very brave). Am I a puling child to be afraid? DOROTHY. My Lord Carey is here. He has read your letter. ROGER. The black-livered dog! Would I had him at my sword's point to [He puts his hand to his heart and staggers into a chair. DOROTHY. Oh, you are wounded! ROGER. Faugh,'tis but a scratch. Am I a puling-- [He faints. She binds up his ankle. Enter Lord Carey with two soldiers. CAREY. Arrest this traitor! (ROGER is led away by the soldiers.) Dorothy (stretching out her hands to him). Roger! (She sinks into a Carey (choosing quite the wrong moment for a proposal). Dorothy, I Dorothy (refusing him). Go, lest I call in the grooms to whip you. Carey. By heaven--(thinking better of it) I go to fetch your father. [Exit. Enter Roger by secret door, L. Dorothy. Roger! You have escaped! Roger. Knowest not the secret passage from the wine cellar, where we Dorothy. Roger, you must fly! Wilt wear a cloak of mine to elude our Roger (missing the point rather). Nay, if I die, let me die like a Enter Lord Carey by ordinary door. Carey (forgetting himself in his confusion). Odds my zounds, dod Roger (seizing Sir Thomas's sword, which had been accidentally left [They fight, and Carey is disarmed before they can hurt each other. Carey (dying game). Strike, Master Dale! Roger. Nay, I cannot kill in cold blood. [He throws down his sword. Lord Carey exhibits considerable emotion Enter two soldiers. Carey. Arrest that man! (Roger is seized again.) Mistress Dorothy, Dorothy (standing up if she was sitting down, and sitting down if Carey (joining the hands of Roger and Dorothy). I trust to you, [Dorothy and Roger embrace each other, if they can do it without The scene is a drawing-room (in which the men are allowed to George (dreamily helping himself to a stiff soda). Henry, do you Henry (lighting a cigar and hiding it in a fern-pot). That moonlight George. Yes; and we promised that when either of us fell in love the Henry (jumping up and grasping him by both hands). George! My dear [He pats him thoughtfully on the back three times, nods his own head George (more moved by this than he cares to show). Thank you, Henry. Henry (airily, with a typically British desire to conceal his George (taking out a picture postcard of the British Museum and [If Henry is not careful he will probably give a start of surprise Henry (in a slightly dashing manner). Little Isobel? Lucky dog! George. I wish I could think so. (Sighs.) But I have yet to approach Enter Isobel. Isobel (brightly). So I've run you to earth at last. Now, what have Henry (like a man). By Jove! (looking at his watch)--I had no [Dashes out tactfully in a state of incoherence. George (rising and leading Isobel to the front of the stage). Miss Isobel (looking at her watch). Well, you must be quick. Because I'm [George drops her hand and staggers away from her. Isobel. Why, what's the matter? George (to the audience, in a voice expressing the very deeps of [He sinks into a chair and covers his face with his hands. Isobel (surprised). Mr Turnbull! What has happened? George (waving her away with one hand). Go! Leave me! I can bear Enter Henry. Henry (eagerly). Well, old man? George (raising a face white with misery--that is to say, if he has Henry (in surprise). Whose? George (with dignity). I did not ask her. It is nothing to me. Henry. Why, where are you going? George (firmly). To the Rocky Mountains. I shall shoot some bears. Henry (after a pause). Perhaps you are right, George. What shall I George. Tell her--nothing. But should anything (feeling casually in [Exit to Rocky Mountains. Enter Isobel. Isabel. Why, where's Mr Turnbull? Henry (sadly). He's gone. Isabel. Gone? Where? Henry. To the Rocky Mountains--to shoot bears. (Feeling that some Isobel. But he was HERE a moment ago. Henry. Yes, he's only JUST gone. Isobel. Why didn't he say good-bye? (Eagerly.) But perhaps he left a Enter George hurriedly. He is fully dressed for a shooting George (to the audience). I have just come back for my Isobel (softly). George! George. She is alive! Isobel! Isobel. Don't go, George! George. My dear, I love you! But when I heard that you were Isobel (sitting up quickly). What do you mean by another's? George. You said you were engaged! Isobel (suddenly realizing how the dreadful misunderstanding arose George. What a fool I have been! (He hurries on before the audience Isobel. Yes, George. And you won't go and shoot nasty bears, will George (taking her in his arms). Never, darling. That was only CURTAIN. As the curtain goes up two ladies are discovered in the morning-room Alice (hiding her emotions). Did you have a pleasant dinner-party Jane (to herself). Seventeen, eighteen, nineteen, twenty. (Looking Alice. Who took you in? Jane (brightening up). Such an interesting man, my dear. He talked Alice (with a look in her eyes which shows that she is recalling a Jane (with a warning glance at the audience). You know how difficult Enter Mary, the Parlour-maid. Mary (handing letter). A letter for you, miss. Jane (taking it). Thank you, Mary. (Exit Mary to work up her next [At the word "Bootle," a
wave of warm colour rushes over Alice and Alice (aside, in a choking voice). Mr Bootle! In love with Jane! Jane. My dear! The man who took me down to dinner! Well! Alice (picking up her work again and trying to be calm). What will Jane (rather pleased with herself). Well, really--I--this is--Mr Alice (starting up). Was that a ring? (She frowns at the prompter [She looks miserably at the audience, closes her eyes, and goes off Enter Mary, followed by James Bootle. Mary. Mr Bootle. (Exit finally.) Jane. Good-morning, Mr Bootle! Bootle. I beg--I thought--Why, of course! It's Miss--er-h'm, Jane. Yes, thank you, (Coyly.) I got your letter. Bootle. My letter? (Sees his letter on the table. Furiously.) You Jane (mistaking his fury for passion). Yes--James. And (looking Bootle (realizing the situation). By George! (Aside.) I have proposed to the wrong lady! Tchck! Jane. You may kiss me, James. Bootle. Have you a sister? Jane (missing the connection). Yes, I have a younger sister, Alice. Bootle (beginning to understand how he made the mistake). A younger Enter Alice. Alice. You are wanted, Jane, a moment. Jane. Will you excuse me, Mr Bootle? [Exit. Bootle (to Alice, as she follows her sister out). Don't go! Alice (wanly--if she knows how). Am I to stay and congratulate you? Bootle. Alice! (They approach the footlights, while Jane, having Alice. James! My love! But what can we do? Bootle (gloomily). Nothing. As a man of honour I cannot withdraw. So Alice. You are right, James. Jane must never know. Good-bye! [They give each other a farewell embrace. Jane (aside). They love. (Fiercely.) But he is mine; I will hold him [Bootle and Alice, who have been embracing all this time--unless Alice. Jane--we--I-- Jane (calmly). Dear Alice! I understand perfectly. Mr Bootle said in Bootle (tactlessly). But--you told me I could kiss you! Jane (smiling). And I tell you again now. I believe it is usual for [Exit, with a backward look at the audience expressive of the fact Bootle. Alice, then you are mine, after all. Alice. James! (They k--No, perhaps better not. There has been quite Bootle (gaily). My dear, I shall only be able to remember that you CURTAIN. The stage is in semi-darkness as Dick Trayle throws open the window If he has been dancing very late the night before he may drop into a Dick (striking the keynote at once). No, no! Let me out--I am [He falls into a reverie, from which he is suddenly wakened by a Jasper (in immaculate evening dress). I thought I heard a noise, so [The stage is suddenly plunged into darkness, there is the noise of Jasper. Let's have a little light on you. (Brutally.) Now then, my Dick (to himself in amazement). Jasper Beeste! Jasper. So you know my name? Dick (in the tones of a man whose whole life has been blighted by Jasper. Again? (Uneasily.) We have met before? Dick (slowly). We have met before, Jasper Beeste. Since then I have Enter Millicent Wilsdon--in a dressing-gown, with her hair over her Millicent (to Jasper). I couldn't sleep--I heard a Dick. Millicent! (He trembles too.) Jasper. Trayle! (So does he.) Dick (bitterly). You shrink from me, Millicent. (With strong common Millicent. Dick--I--you--when you were sentenced-- Dick. When I was sentenced--the evidence was black against me, I Millicent (throwing herself on the sofa). Oh, Dick! Jasper (recovering himself). Enough of this. Miss Wilsdon is going Dick. To marry YOU! (He strides over to the sofa and pulls Millicent Jasper (advancing threateningly). Yes, to your friends the warders. Dick (wresting the revolver from his grasp). Ha, would you? Now Millicent (raising herself on the sofa). Dick, you were innocent--I Dick. I was. But how could I prove it? I went to prison. For a year Jasper (jauntily). Well? Dick (sternly). A diamond necklace, Jasper Beeste, which the other Jasper (blusteringly). Bah! Dick (quietly). The man in the cell next to mine wants to meet this Jasper (sneeringly). And where is he? Dick. Ah, where is he? (He goes to the window and gives a low Jasper (in horror). Two-toed Thomas! I am undone! Two-toed Thomas (after a series of unintelligible snarls). Say the Dick (sternly). Stand back! Now, Jasper Beeste, what have you to Jasper (hysterically). I confess. I will sign anything. I will go to Dick (going up to a bureau and writing aloud at incredible speed). [Jasper signs. At this moment two warders burst into the room. First Warder. There they are! [He seizes Dick. Two-toed Thomas leaps from the window, pursued by Millicent. Do not touch that man! Read this! [She hands him the confession with an air of superb pride. First Warder (reading). Jasper Beeste! (Slipping a pair of handcuffs Millicent. Of course! Why, he's engaged to me. Aren't you, Dick? Dick. This time, Millicent, for ever! CURTAIN. The scene is laid outside a village inn in that county of curious Jarge (who missed his dinner through nervousness and has been Willyum (who had too much dinner and is now draining his sanatogen). Jarge. Did I ever tell 'ee, bor, about t' new squoire o' these Willyum (privately bored). Thee didst tell 'un, lad, sartain sure Jarge. A rackun it be a main queer tale, queerer nor any them Willyum (puffing at a new and empty clay pipe). Zure-lie. (Jarge, a Jarge (reflectively). Ay, ay. A main queer lass little Rachel du be. Willyum. Her do be that fond of zoap and water. (Laughter.) Jarge (leaving nothing to chance). Happen she might be a real grand Enter Rachel, beautifully dressed in the sort of costume in which Rachel (in the most expensive accent). Now Uncle George (shaking a Jarge (slapping his thigh in ecstasy). Eh, lass, yer du keep us old Willyum (rising). Us best be gettin' down along, Jarge, a rackun. Jarge. Ay, bor, time us chaps was moving. Don't 'e be long, lass. Rachel (sitting down on the log). Dear old men! How I love them all Enter Hugh Fitzhugh, Squire. Fitzhugh (standing behind Rachel, but missing her somehow). Did ever Rachel (with a start). Good-evening. Fitzhugh (aside). She is adorable. She can be no common village Rachel. Yes, I have always lived here. (Aside.) How handsome he is. Fitzhugh (sitting on the log beside her). And who is the lucky Rachel. I have no lover, sir. Fitzhugh (taking her hand). Can Hodge be so blind? Rachel (innocently). Are you making love to me? Fitzhugh. Upon my word I--(He gets up from the log, which is not Rachel. Rachel. (She rises.) Fitzhugh. It is the most beautiful name in the world. Rachel, will Rachel. But we have known each other such a short time! Fitzhugh (lying bravely). We have known each other for ever. Rachel. And you are a rich gentleman, while I-- Fitzhugh. A gentleman, I hope, but rich--no. To-morrow I shall be a Rachel (making a lucky shot at his name). Hugh! (They embrace.) Fitzhugh. Let us plight our troth here. See, I give you my ring! Rachel. And I give you mine. [She takes one from the end of a chain which is round her neck, and Fitzhugh. Heavens! They are the same ring! (In great excitement.) Rachel. Ah, who am I? I never had any parents. When they found me Fitzhugh. Let me look at you! It must be! The Squire's missing [Gaffers Jarge and Willyum, having entered unobserved at the back Jarge (at last). Lor' bless 'ee, Willyum, if it bain't Squire Willyum. Zo it du be. Here du be goings-on! What will t' passon say? Jarge (struck with an idea). Zay, bor, don't 'ee zee a zort o' Willyum. Jarge, if you bain't right, lad. Happen she do have t' same [Hearing something, Fitzhugh and Rachel turn round. Fitzhugh. Ah, my men! I'm your new Squire. Do you know who this is? Willyum. Why, her du be our Rachel. Fitzhugh. On the contrary, allow me to introduce you to Miss Jarge. Well, this du be a day! To think of our Rachel now! Fitzhugh. MY Rachel now. Rachel (who, it is to be hoped, has been amusing herself somehow CURTAIN. The scene is the Editor's room in the office of The Lark. Two walls William Smith, Editor, comes in. He is superbly dressed in a fur Smith (at the telephone). Hallo, is that you, Jones? ... Yes, it's Enter Jones, his favourite sub-editor. He is dressed quite commonly, Jones. Good-afternoon, chief. Smith. Good-afternoon. Have a cigar? Jones. Thank you, chief. Smith. Have you anything to tell me? Jones. The circulation is still going up, chief. It was three Smith (testily). How often have
I told you not to call me "chief," Jones. Sorry, sir, but the fact is there ARE ladies present. Smith (fingering his moustache). Show them up. Who are they? Jones. There is only one. She says she's the lady who has been Smith (in amazement). I thought you told me YOU wrote these. Jones (simply). I did. Smith. Then why-- Jones. I mean I did tell you. The truth is, they came in Smith (sternly). How many cheques for them have you accepted for the Jones. Eight. For a thousand pounds each. Smith (with tears in his eyes). If your mother were to hear of Jones (sadly). Ah, chief, I have never had a mother. Smith (slightly put out, but recovering himself quickly). What would Jones. Alas, I have no relations. I was a foundling. Smith (nettled). In that case, I shall certainly tell the master of Jones (with great pathos). Chief, chief, I am not so vile as that. I Smith (in surprise). Do you wear stockings? Jones. When I bicycle. And as soon as the contributor comes Smith (stretching out his hand and grasping that of Jones). My dear Jones. Yes, sir. (Rings bell.) Smith. She WOULD split her infinitives. ... We quarrelled. ... She Jones (excitedly). Did you say she split her infinitives? Smith. Yes. That was what led to our separation. Why? Jones. Nothing, only--it's very odd. I wonder-- Enter Boy. Boy. Did you ring, sir? Smith. No. But you can show the lady up. (Exit Boy.) You'd better Jones. Right you are, sir. [Exit. [Smith leans back in his chair and stares in front of him. Smith (to himself). Arabella! Enter Boy, followed by a stylishly-dressed lady of middle age. Boy. Mrs Robinson. [Exit. [Mrs Robinson stops short in the middle of the room and stares at Smith (in wonder). Arabella! Mrs Robinson. William! [They fall into each other's arms. Arabella. I had begun to almost
despair. (Smith winces.) "Almost to Smith (with a great effort). No, no, dear. You were right. Arabella. How sweet of you to think so, William. Smith. Yes, yes, it's the least I can say. ... I have been very Arabella. Wouldn't that be bigamy? Smith. I think not, but I will ask the printer's reader. He knows Arabella. Dear, can you afford to marry? Smith. Well, my salary as editor is only twenty thousand a year, but Arabella. And I have--nothing. How can I come to you without even a Smith. Yes, that's true. ... (Suddenly.) By Jove, though, you have Enter Jones. Jones (producing an old stocking). I've just been round to my rooms Smith (waving an introduction). Mrs Smith--my wife. This is our Arabella (hoarsely). Where did you get that stocking? Smith (pleasantly). It's one he wears when he goes bicycling. Jones. No; I misled you this afternoon, chief. This stocking was all Arabella (throwing herself into his arms). My son! This is your Smith (shaking hands with Jones). How are you. I say, Arabella, then Arabella (to her boy). When I saw you on the stairs you seemed to Jones. To remind you dimly, mother. Smith. No, my boy. In future, nothing but split infinitives will Jones (with emotion). I will endeavour to always remember it, dad. CURTAIN. John walked eight miles over the cliffs to the nearest town in order "But that's no reason why you should have forgotten the tobacco," I "One can't remember everything.
I accepted for both of us. We "And that nice pair of climbing
boots with the nails--" "Is that all you've got?" "All I'm going to walk eight
miles in on a muddy path." "Then we shall have to take
a bag with us. And we can put in pyjamas I took out a cigar. "This is the last," I said. "If,
instead of wandering about and "Call," said John, bringing out a penny. "Heads
it is. You begin." I struck a match and began. . . . . . Next day, after lunch, John brought out his little brown bag. "It won't be very heavy," he said, "and
we can carry it in turns. An "I don't think that's quite fair," I said. "After
all, it's YOUR "Your shoes are heavier than
mine, anyhow." "My pyjamas weigh less. Such
a light blue as they are." "Ah, but my tooth-brush has
lost seven bristles. That makes a "What I say is, let every
man carry his own bag. This is a rotten John took no notice and went on packing. "I shall buy a collar in the town," he
said. "Better let me do it for you.
You would only go getting an "There we are," said John, as he closed the bag, "quite
small and "We'd better toss, if you're
quite sure you won't carry it all the John looked out of the window and then at his watch. "They say two to three is the hottest hour of the day," he said. "It I led the way up the cliffs with that wretched bag. I insisted upon "But you can come and talk to me," I
said to him after ten minutes "No, no, I like watching you.
You do it so gracefully. This is my "You wait," I growled. John laughed. "Fifty minutes more," he
said. And then after a little "There's a good time coming," I
murmured to myself, and changed "I don't care what people say," said John, argumentatively; "brown For the tenth time I rammed the sharp corner of the bag into the "There, that's what I mean.
You see it perfectly like that--the I stumbled up a steep little bit of slippery grass, and told myself "They say," said John to the heavens, "that
if you have weights in "Nobody likes blackberries more than I do," said John. "But
even I "Half an hour more," I
told myself, and went on doggedly, my right "Dear, dear," he said solicitously, "how
lopsided the youth of He was silent for ten minutes, and then broke out rapturously once "What a heavenly day! I AM
glad we didn't bring a bag--it would have "One minute more," I said joyfully; "and
oh, my boy, how glad I am "I make it TWO minutes," said
John. "Half a minute now.... There!
And may I never carry the confounded I threw the bag down and fell upon the grass. The bag rolled a yard "MY bag," said John stupidly. And that did for me altogether. "I don't care a hang about your bag," I cried. "And
I don't care a "By Jove, neither I am," said
John, and he sat down and roared with There is something on my mind, of which I must relieve myself. If I Friends, I have lost my hat. Will the gentleman who took it by I am very miserable without my hat. It was one of those nice soft My hat and I dropped into a hall of music one night last week. I I was calm at first. "Excuse me," I said politely to the man next to me, "but
have you "Several," he replied,
mistaking my meaning. I dived under the seat again, and came up with some more dust. "Someone," I said to a programme girl, "has
taken my hat." "Have you looked under the seat for it?" she
asked. It was such a sound suggestion that I went under the seat for the "It may have been kicked further along," suggested
another Then the fireman came up, suspecting the worst. I told him it was He had a flash of inspiration. "Are you sure you brought it with you?" he
asked. The programme girls seemed to think that it would solve the whole "Are you sure you are the fireman?" I
said coldly. He thought for a moment, and then unburdened himself of another "Perhaps it's just been kicked under the seat," he
said. I left him under the seat and went downstairs with a heavy heart. At "What's the matter?" he said. "Lost
your hat?" "It has been stolen." "Have you looked under the
seats? It may have been kicked along a "Perhaps I'd better see the manager," I said. "Is
it any good "I expect it's just been kicked along a bit," the
hall porter "If there's any more talk about being kicked along a bit," I
said I was led to the manager's room, and there I explained the matter to "I expect you haven't looked for it properly," he
said, with a We were smiled irresistibly out, and I was dragged up to the grand "It may have been kicked on to the stage," I
said, as he began to The manager was extremely sympathetic when we came back to him. He "My hat," I said firmly, "has
been stolen." "I'm sorry," he repeated
with a bored smile, and turned to look at Then I became angry with him and his attendants and his whole "My hat," I said bitingly, "has
been stolen from me--while I slept." . . . . . . . You must have seen me wearing it in the dear old days. Greeny brown When I am in any doubt or difficulty
I say to myself, "What would "What station is this?" said
Beatrice, as the train began to slow "Whitecroft, I expect," said John, who was reading the paper. "Only "It's grown since we were here last," I observed. "Getting
quite a "Good; then we're at Hillstead.
Only three more stations." I looked out of the window, and had a sudden suspicion. "Where have I heard the name Byres before?" I
murmured thoughtfully. "You haven't," said John. "Nobody
has." "Say 'Byres,' baby," urged
Beatrice happily. "You're quite sure that there
isn't anything advertised called "Quite." "Well, then, we must be AT
Byres." There was a shriek from Beatrice, as she rushed to the window. "We're in the wrong train--Quick!
Get the bags!--Have you got the I got up and moved her from the door. "Leave this to me," I said calmly. "Porter!-- "Byres, sir." "Byres?" "Yes, sir." He blew his
whistle and the train went on again. "At any rate we know now that it WAS Byres," I
remarked, when the "It's all very well for you," Beatrice burst out indignantly, "but "That's the one thing we do know," I said. "We're
at this little "It was the porter's fault at Liverpool Street," said
John "I don't care whose fault
it was; I'm only thinking of Baby." "What time do babies go to bed as a rule?" I
asked. "This one goes at six." "Well, then, she's got another
hour. Now, what would Napoleon have "Napoleon," said John, after careful thought, "would
have turned all Beatrice looked at him coldly. "That's a way to talk of your daughter," she
said in scorn. "Don't kill him," I begged, "We
may want him. Now I've got another "Well, I envy it. And, however
single it is, we're going away from "True. But the point is that
no train can come back on it until Beatrice, quite seeing the point, changed the subject. "There's my trunk will go
on to Brookfield, and the wagonette will "She's not complaining," I said. "She's
just mentioning it." "Look here," said John reproachfully, "we're
doing all we can. We're I was beginning to get annoyed. It was, of course, no good to get as "I've just made another discovery," I said in a hurt voice. "There's "What they call a loop line," assisted John, "because
it's in the "It's not so bad as it might be," admitted
Beatrice grudgingly, I sighed and pulled out a pencil. "It's very simple. We write
a telegram:-- 'Stationmaster, Brookfield. Send wagonette and trunk to wait for us "Love to mother and the children," added
John. Our train stopped again. I summoned a porter and gave him the "It's so absurdly simple," I repeated, as the train went on. "Just
a We got out at Dearmer and gave up our tickets to the "What's this?" he said. "These
are no good to me." "Well, they're no good to
us. We've finished with them." We sat in the waiting-room with him for half an hour and explained "Is there a post-office here?" I asked the man. "Or
a horse?" "There might be a horse at
the 'Lion.' There's no post-office." "Well, I suppose I could wire
to Brookfield Station from here?" "Not to Brookfield." "But supposing you want to
tell the station-master there that the "Brookfield's not on this
line. That's why you've got to pay three "Yes, yes. You said all that.
Then I shall go and explore the I explored, as Napoleon would have done, and I came back with a "There is no horse," I said to my eager audience; "but
I have found "That's all right," said John, "only
I would suggest that _I_ go to We left him in disgust at his selfishness. I established the ladies I rode back behind it in triumph. When it turned up the road to the "Er--is the lady--" "Oh, she's gone, sir, a long
time ago. A gentleman she knew drove "Oh yes. That's all right." I returned my bicycle to its owner, distributed coppers to his "The gentleman thought you
wouldn't be coming back, sir, as you "I just went up to the 'Lion'--" "Yessir. Well, he drove off
quarter of an hour ago; said it was no And now I ask you--What would Napoleon have said? THE PORTUGUESE CIGAR EVERYTHING promised well for my week-end with Charles. The weather "By the way," said Charles, as I took out a cigarette, "I've
got a "You haven't let him go in for cigars?" I
said reproachfully to Mrs "This is one I picked up in Portugal," explained Charles. "You
can "I saw it on your dressing-table last week," said
his wife, getting "Here it is," said Charles,
coming in again. He put down in front of "Well," said Charles, "what
do you think of it?" "When you say you--er--PICKED IT UP in Portugal," I
began carefully, "Have a knife," said
Charles. I had another bite, and then I decided to be frank. "WHY did you pick it up?" I
asked. "The fact was," said Charles, "I
found myself one day in Lisbon "Did you smoke this?" I
asked. It was obvious that SOMETHING had "No, you see, I found some
cigarettes at the last moment, and so, "It's very nice of you, Charles.
Of course I can see that it has I took the knife and started chipping away at the mahogany end. The "That's all right, isn't it?" said Charles. "And
you'd be surprised "No, no, you mustn't think that," I protested. "Probably
things are "I've got a cigar-cutter somewhere,
if--" "No, don't bother. I think
I can do it with the nut-crackers. I squeezed it as hard as I could, lit it again, pressed my feet "Now it's going," said
Charles. "I'm afraid it keeps very
reticent at my end. The follow-through is "Burning beautifully." "It's a pity that I should
be missing all that. How would it be if I took the cigar up and put it to my ear. "I can't HEAR anything wrong," I said. "I
expect what it really Charles filled his pipe again and
got up. "Let's go for a stroll," "It may prefer the open air," I said. "There's
always that. You know It was an inspiration. At the very next application of the match I "Well," said Charles,
when we were back in the smoking-room, and I "I have enjoyed it," I
said truthfully, for I like trying to get the "You'll never guess what it cost," he
chuckled. "Tell me," I said. "I
daren't guess." "Well, in English money it
works out at exactly three farthings." I looked at him for a long time and then shook my head sadly. "Charles, old friend," I said, "you've
been done." Herbert is a man who knows all about railway tickets, and packing, I was just thinking about getting up when he came into my room. He "My dear fellow!" he said. "And
you haven't even packed! You'll be "Do," I said briefly. "First of all, what clothes
are you going to travel in?" There was no help for it. I sat up in bed and directed operations. "Right," said Herbert. "Now,
what about your return ticket? You "You remind me of a little story," I said. "I'll
tell it you while "It was too late?" "No. Unfortunately it wasn't.
He got the two pounds. The most "Well, that just shows you," said Herbert. "Here's
your ticket. Put "But I haven't got a waistcoat
on, silly." "Which one are you going to
put on?" "I don't know yet. This is
a matter which requires thought. Give me "Well, I shall put the ticket
here on the dressing-table, and then "Help!" I cried, and
I leapt out of bed. Half an hour later I was saying good-bye to Herbert. "I've had an awfully jolly time," I said, "and
I'll come again." "You've got the ticket all
right?" "Rather!" and I drove
away amidst cheers. Cheers of sorrow. It was half an hour's drive to the station. For the first ten I gave my luggage to a porter and went off to the station-master. "I wonder if you can help me," I said. "I've
left my return ticket He didn't seem intensely excited. "What did you think of doing?" he
asked. "I had rather hoped that YOU
would do something." "You can buy another ticket,
and get the money back afterwards." "Yes, yes; but can I? I've
only got about one pound six." "The fare to London is one
pound five and tenpence ha'penny." "Ah; well, that leaves a penny
ha'penny to be divided between the The station-master was evidently moved. He thought for a moment, and "I've got a tie-pin," I
said (station-masters have a weakness for The idea didn't appeal to him. "The best thing you can do," he said, "is
to take a ticket to the So that was what I had to do. I began to see myself taking a ticket At the junction I jumped out quickly and dived into the sacred "I've left my ticket on the
dressing--that is to say I forgot--well, "The best thing you can do," he
said, walking with me to the door," "This is a most interesting game," I said bitterly. "What
is 'home'? Extremely annoyed I strode out, and bumped into--you'll never "Ah, here you are," he panted; "I
rode after you--the train was just "It's awfully nice of you,
Herbert. Didn't I say good-bye?" "Your ticket." He produced it. "Left it on the dressing-table." He "Bless you," I said, as I got happily into my train. "You've
saved At that moment a porter came up. "Did you give up your ticket, sir?" he
asked Herbert. "I hadn't time to get one," said Herbert, quite at his ease. "I'll A look of horror came over Herbert's face. I knew what it meant. He Well, well, he'll have to get home somehow. His watch is only nickel "May I look at my watch?" I
asked my partner, breaking a silence "Oh, HAVE you got a watch?" she drawled. "How
exciting!" "I wasn't going to show it to you," I said, "But
I always think it "Let me know when the apology is beginning," said
Miss White. "It begins at once. I've got
to catch a train home. There's one at "You don't live in these Northern
Heights then?" "No. Do you?" "Yes." I looked at my watch again. "I should love to discuss
with you the relative advantages of London "It's a nice wet night for a walk," said
Miss White reflectively. "If only I had brought my
bicycle." "A watch AND a bicycle! You
ARE lucky!" "Look here, it may be a joke
to you, but I don't fancy myself coming "The last train goes at one
o'clock, if that's any good to you." "All the good in the world," I said joyfully. "Then
I needn't walk." "It generally takes longer than that," said Miss White. "At
least it I looked at her severely. "I'm afraid you're a Suffragette," I
said. As soon as the next dance began I hurried off to find my hostess. I "Our dance, isn't it?" said
a voice. I turned and recognized a girl in blue. "Ah," I said, coldly cheerful, "I
was just looking for you. Come We broke into a gay and happy step, suggestive of twin hearts "Why do you look so thoughtful?" asked
the girl in blue after ten "I've just heard some good news," I
said. "Oh, do tell me!" "I don't know if it would
really interest you." "I'm sure it would." "Well, several miles from
here there may be a tram, if one can find The dance over, I searched in vain for my hostess. Every minute I My instructions from Miss White with regard to the habitat of trams The steady rain had washed out any footprints that might have been I felt pretty certain that I was still in one of the Home Counties, "Now then," he said good-naturedly. "Could you tell me the way to--" I
tried to think of some place near He looked at me in astonishment. His feeling seemed to be that I was "Or--or anywhere," I said hurriedly. "Trams,
for instance." He pointed nervously to the right and disappeared. Imagine my joy; there were tram-lines, and, better still, a tram I had wondered where we should arrive, whether Gray's Inn Road or "Tell me," I said to the conductor; "do
you now go back again?" "In ten minutes. There's a
tram from here every half-hour." "When is the last?" "There's no last. Backwards
and forwards all night." I should have liked to stop and sympathize, but it was getting late. "Isn't this our dance?" I
said to Miss White, who was taking a "Is it? I thought you'd gone." "Oh no, I decided to stay
after all. I found out that the trams go We walked in together. "I won't be more autobiographical than I can help," I said, "but
I "Indeed," I said, as we began to dance; "at
one time to-night I THE THINGS THAT MATTER RONALD, surveying the world from his taxi--that pleasant corner of The train was advertised to go at 2.22, and at 2.20 Ronald joined Ronald seized a lost porter. "Just put these in for me," he said. "A
first smoker." "All this lot yours, sir?" "The three bags--not the milk-cans," said
Ronald. It had been a beautiful day before, but when a family of sixteen He lay back in his corner, thinking. For a time his mind was Ronald couldn't help feeling that he had forgotten something. It The reason for his vague feeling of unrest was this. He had been The country was appearing field by field; the train rushed through He went over the days that were coming; he went through all the As he considered all the possible clothes that he might want, it Yes, he was all right. He had packed EVERYTHING; moreover, his hair At the prettiest of wayside stations the train stopped and Ronald His host was at the door as they arrived. Ronald, as happy as a "You're just in time for tea.
Really, we might have it in the "By Jove, we might," said
Ronald, beaming. However, they had it in the hall, with the doors wide open. Ronald, "You know," he said to the girl on his right, "on
a day like this, And then suddenly he knew that he was wrong; for he had discovered And suddenly the birds stopped singing and there was a bitter chill And the sun went violently out. . . . . . . . He was wearing only half a pair of spats. THE SOLICITOR The office was at its busiest, for it was Friday afternoon. John He closed his eyes, and his thoughts wandered back to the day when "I like your face, my boy," he
had said heartily to John. "And I like yours," replied
John, not to be outdone in politeness. "Now I wonder if you can spell
'mortgage'?" "One 'm'?" said John
tentatively. Mr Sanderson was delighted with the lad's knowledge, and engaged him For three years John had done his duty faithfully. During this time And now he was actually junior partner in the firm--the firm of There was a knock at the door of the inquiry office and a "Can I see Mr Macnaughton," he
said politely to the office-boy. "There isn't no Mr Macnaughton," replied the latter. "They
all died "Well, well, can I see one
of the partners?" "You can't see Mr Sanderson, because he's having his lunch," said "Tut, tut, isn't anybody in?" "Mr Blunt is in," said the boy, and took up the telephone. "If
you Half an hour later Mr Masters was shown into John Blunt's room. "I'm sorry I was engaged," said John. "A
most important client. Now, "I wish to make my will." "By all means," said
John cordially. "I have only one child, to
whom I intend to leave all my money." "Ha!" said John, with a frown. "This
will be a lengthy and difficult "But you can do it?" asked Mr Masters anxiously. "They
told me at "We can do it," said John simply, "but
it will require all our care; "Thank you," said Mr Masters, clasping the other's hand. "I
was just "I will follow you in a moment," said
John, and pausing only to Inside the car Mr Masters was confidential. "My daughter," he said, "comes
of age to-morrow." "Oh, it's a daughter?" said John, in surprise. "Is
she pretty?" "She is considered to be the
prettiest girl in the county." "Really?" said John. He thought a moment, and added, "Can
we stop at "Macmacmacmacmac, London.
Shall not be back till Wednesday.--BLUNT." The car stopped and then sped on again. "Amy has never been any trouble to me," said Mr Masters, "but
I am "To whom would you give it," asked
John, whipping out his "Tut, tut, a mere figure of
speech. But I would settle a hundred "Indeed?" said John thoughtfully. "Can
we stop at another "Macmacmacmacmac, London.
Shall not be back till Friday.--BLUNT." The car dashed on again, and an hour later arrived it a commodious "My solicitor, dear, Mr Blunt," said
Mr Masters. "It is very good of you to
come all this way on my father's "Not at all," said John. "A week or--or a fortnight--or--" he
looked "Is making a will so very
difficult?" "It's a very tricky and complicated
affair indeed. However, I think "Macmacmacmacmac, London," wrote John. "Very
knotty case. Date of . . . . . . . Yes, you have guessed what happened. It is an everyday experience in MR PAUL SAMWAYS was in a mood of deep depression. The artistic "If only I had a little capital!" he cried aloud in despair. "Enough The clock struck two, reminding him that he had not lunched. He rose He had finished, and was clearing away, when there came a knock at Paul read the card in astonishment. "The Duchess of Winchester," he exclaimed. "What
on earth--Show her "How do you do, Mr Samways?" said
the Duchess. "G--good-afternoon," said
Paul, embarrassed both by the presence of "Our mutual friend, Lord Ernest
Topwood, recommended me to come to Paul, who had never met Lord Ernest, but had once seen his name in a "As you probably guess, I
want you to paint my daughter's portrait." Paul opened his mouth to say that he was only a landscape painter, "I hope you can undertake this commission," she
said pleadingly. "I shall be delighted," said Paul. "I
am rather busy just now, but I "Excellent," said the Duchess. "Till Monday, then." And
Paul, still Punctually at 3.15 on Monday Lady Hermione appeared. Paul drew a "May I let my face go for a moment?" said
Lady Hermione after three "Yes, let us stop," said
Paul. He had outlined her in charcoal and "Tell me where you first met Lord Ernest?" she
asked as she came "At the Savoy, in June," said
Paul boldly. Lady Hermione laughed merrily. Paul, who had not regarded his last "But your portrait of him was in the Academy in May!" she
smiled. Paul made up his mind quickly. "Lady Hermione," he said with gravity, "do
not speak to me of Lord The sittings went on daily. Sometimes Paul would paint rapidly with It was a spring-like day in March when the picture was finished, and "It is beautiful!" said Lady Hermione, with enthusiasm. "Beautiful! Paul looked from her to the picture, and back to her again. "No," he said, "not
a bit. You know, I am really a landscape "What do you mean?" she cried. "You
are Peter Samways, A.R.A., the "No," he said sadly. "That
was my secret. I am Paul Samways. A "Then you have deceived me!
You have brought me here under false Lady Hermione looked at him thoughtfully. "Why did you do it?" she "Because I fell in love with
you." She dropped her eyes, and then
raised them gaily to his. "Mother is "Hermione!" he cried,
dropping his palette and putting his brush She held out her arms to him. . . . . . . . As everybody remembers, "When the Heart is Young," by
Paul Samways, The New Bailey was crowded with a gay and fashionable throng. It was "Just a moment," interrupted the Judge. "Who
is defending the There was an unexpected silence. Rupert Carleton, who had dropped Rupert Carleton was still in the twenties, but he had been a He pulled his wig down firmly over his ears, took out a pair of "Mr Jobson," he began suavely, "you
say that you saw the accused "Yes." "I put it to you," said
Rupert, and waited intently for the answer, "No." With a superhuman effort Rupert hid his disappointment. Unexpected "I suggest," he tried again, "that
you followed her about and "No. I saw her steal them." Rupert frowned; the man seemed impervious to the simplest "Yes." "With the intention of paying
for them in the ordinary way?" "No." "Please be very careful. You
said in your evidence that the "No." The obstinacy of some people! Rupert put back his pince-nez in his "We will let that pass for the moment," he
said. He consulted a "Once." "Quite so." He hesitated and then decided to risk it. "I
suggest "Yes." It was a long shot, but once again the bold course had paid. Rupert "Will you tell the gentlemen of the jury," he
said with deadly "She died." A lesser man might have been embarrassed, but Rupert's iron nerve "Exactly!" he said. "And
was that or was that not on the night when "I never was." "Indeed? Will you cast your
mind back to the night of April 24th, "I have no idea," said
Jobson, after casting his mind back and "In that case you cannot swear
that you were not being turned out of "But I never belonged to it." Rupert leaped at the damaging admission. "What? You told the Court
that you lived at Hampstead, and yet you "I said I lived at Hackney." "To the Hackney Parliament,
I should say. I am suggesting that you "I don't belong to that either." "Exactly!" said Rupert triumphantly. "Having
been turned out for "And never did belong." "Indeed? May I take it then
that you prefer to spend your evenings "If you want to know," said Jobson angrily, "I
belong to the Hackney Rupert gave a sigh of satisfaction and turned to the jury. "At LAST, gentlemen, we have
got it. I thought we should arrive at A murmur of admiration for the relentless way in which the truth had "Come, sir!" he said, "the jury is waiting." But
it was not Albert "A very proper decision," said his lordship. "The
prisoner is . . . . . . . Briefs poured in upon Rupert next day, and he was engaged for all It was three o'clock, and the afternoon sun reddened the western The fourth occupant of the room was busy at his desk, as if to give "How the dickens you expect
any one to think in this confounded "What's the matter, Ashby?" "You're the matter. How am
I going to get these verses done for The "Good idea. Come on, Dale. You coming, Matthews?" They
went out, In his youth Harold Ashby had often been told by his relations that The poem he was now finishing for The Evening Surprise was his first "Love! O love! (All other
things above).--Why, O why, Am I afraid There were six more lines which I have forgotten, but I suppose they Having written the poem out neatly, Harold put it in an envelope and "DEAR SIR," wrote the editor of The Surprise, "will
you come round Harold lost no time. Explaining that he would finish his innings "How do you do?" said the editor. "I
wanted to talk to you about "Thursday," said Harold
helpfully. "I was wondering whether we
couldn't get you to join our staff. Does "No," said Harold, "not
a bit." "Ah, that's a pity." He tapped his desk thoughtfully. "Well
then, "Very much," said Harold. "I
was considered to write rather good "Splendid! There's this little
war in Mexico. When can you start? "I could get sick leave easily enough," said Harold, "if
it wasn't "Do; that will be excellent.
Here's a blank cheque for your outfit. "Well," said Harold cautiously, "I
WAS in, and I'd made ninety-six. "Good," said the editor. "Well,
here's luck. Come back alive if you Harold spent the next day buying a war correspondent's outfit:--the I shall not describe all his famous coups in Mexico. Sufficient to On his return to England Harold found that time had wrought many "You had better take his place," said
the ducal proprietor to "Right," said Harold. "I
suppose I shall have to resign my post at "Just as you like. I don't
see why you should." "I should miss the cricket," said Harold wistfully, "and
the salary. But there were also changes at the office. Harold had been rising "Hullo," said the Assistant Secretary as Harold came in, "you're "I've been away on sick leave for some time," said
Harold "Have you? You've kept it
very secret. Come out and have lunch with Harold went out with him happily. It would be pleasant to accept the Mr Levinski, the famous actor-manager, dragged himself from beneath But the completest tragedy has its compensations for some one. The There was no train to London that night, and Mr Levinski had been "What does one do in this dam place?" he
asked with a yawn. The manager, instantly recognizing that he was speaking to a member Mr Levinski dismissed him, and considered the point. He had to amuse For some time he was as bored as he had expected to be, but half-way He was finishing breakfast next morning when Mr Merrowby was "Ah, good-morning," said Mr Levinski, "good-morning.
You find me "You asked me to call on you," said
Eustace. "Did I, did I?" He passed
his hand across his brow with a noble "I have read about it in the papers," said
Eustace. In all the "Good. Then you may have heard
that one of the scenes is an ostrich "One of the ostriches?" asked
Eustace. "I do not offer the part of
an ostrich to a man who has played "This is very kind of you," cried Eustace gratefully. "I
have always "Good," said Mr Levinski. "Then that's settled." He
waved Eustace And so Eustace Merrowby came to London. It is a great thing for a Eustace, curiously enough, was not very nervous on the first night. He had a remarkable Press. I give a few examples of the notices he "Mr Eustace Merrowby was Tommy."--Daily
Telegraph. "The cast included Mr Eustace Merrowby."--Times. "... Mr Eustace Merrowby..."--Daily
Chronicle. "We have no space in which
to mention all the other "This criticism only concerns
the two actors we have mentioned, and "Where all were so good, it
would be invidious to single out anybody "The acting deserved a better play."--Daily
News. "... Tommy..."--Morning
Post. As Eustace read the papers, he felt that his future was secure. Into Eustace Merrowby's subsequent career I cannot go at full KICK ME --and the occasion on which he drew the chair from beneath a certain Finally, as a convincing proof of his greatness, let it be said that It is a hard thing to be the younger son of an ancient but For three years Roger St Verax had lived precariously by betting. To He began by dropping (in sporting parlance) a cool thousand on the When a younger son is cleaned out there is only one thing for him to What a wonderful place, dear reader, is the City! You, madam, who I don't know. And I am sorry to say that even Roger St Verax, a It was as a Director of the Bango-Bango Exploration Company that he In 1908, Roger first heard the
magic word "reconstruction," and
to In 1909 a piece of real gold was identified, and the shares went up In 1910 the Stock Exchange suddenly woke to the fact that rubber In short the Bango-Bango Development Company was, in the language of Let me hasten to the end of this story. At the end of 1910 Roger was But before he could be happy there remained one thing for him to do; "Mary," he said, with the brisk confidence of the City man, "I
find "Why, what's happened?" "I am a millionaire," said Roger calmly. "So
long as I only had my "But why this extraordinary
hurry? Why mayn't I be married properly, "My dear," said Roger reproachfully, "you
forget. I am a City man MARGERY I.--A TWICE TOLD TALE "Is that you, uncle?" said
a voice from the nursery, as I hung my However, she was sitting up in bed with her nightgown on when I "I was having my bath when you came," she explained. "Have
you come "All the way." "Then will you tell me a story?" "I can't; I'm going to have
my dinner. I only came up to say Margery leant forward and whispered
coaxingly, "Will you just tell "But I've told you that such
heaps of times. And it's much too long "Tell me HALF of it. As much as THAT." She
held her hands about nine "That's too much." "As much as THAT." The
hands came a little nearer together. "Oh! Well, I'll tell you up
to where the Beast died." "FOUGHT he died," she
corrected eagerly. "Yes. Well--" "How much will that be? As
much as I said?" I nodded. The preliminary business settled, she gave a little sigh "Once upon a time there was
a man who had three daughters. And one "What was the man's name?" "Margery," I said reproachfully, annoyed at the interruption, "you "Tell me now." "Oswald," I said, after
a moment's thought. "I told Daddy it was Thomas," said
Margery casually. "Well, as a matter of fact,
he had two names, Oswald AND Thomas." "Why did he have two names?" "In case he lost one. Well,
one day this man, who was very poor, "Was it waiting at Weymouf?" "Somewhere like that." "I spex it must have been
Weymouf, because there's lots of sea "Yes, I'm sure it was. Well,
he thought he'd go to Weymouth and get "How much monies was it?" "Oh, lots and lots." "As much as five pennies?" "Yes, about that. Well, he
said Good-bye to his daughters, and asked "Like mummy's locket--is THAT
jewels?" "That sort of idea. Well,
she wanted a lot of things like that. And "What sort of clothes?" "Oh, frocks and--well, frocks
and all sorts of--er--frocks." "Did she want any lovely new
stockings?" "Yes, she wanted three pairs
of those." "And did she want any lovely--" "Yes," I said hastily, "she
wanted lots of those, too. Lots of Margery gave a little sob of happiness. "Go on telling me," she
said "Well, the third daughter
was called Beauty. And she thought to Margery moved uneasily. "I hope," she said wistfully, "this
bit isn't going to be about--YOU "About what?" "Good little girls and bad
little girls, and fings like that." "My darling, no, of course
not. I told it wrong. Beauty asked for a "Go on telling me," said
Margery, with a deep sigh of content. "Well, he started off to Weymouth." "What day did he start?" "It was Monday. And when--" "Oh, well, anyhow, I told
daddy it was Tuesday." "Tuesday--now let me think.
Yes, I believe you're right. Because on "I spex somebody had taken it," said
Margery breathlessly. "Well, it had all gone SOMEHOW." "Perhaps somebody had swallowed it," said
Margery, a little carried "Anyhow, it was gone. And
he had to come home again without any "How far?" asked Margery. "As far as THAT?" and
she measured nine "About forty-four miles--when
he came to a beautiful garden." "Was it a really lovely big
garden? Bigger than ours?" "Oh, much bigger." "Bigger than yours?" "I haven't got a garden." Margery looked at me wonderingly. She opened her mouth to speak, and "Go on telling me about Beauty and the Beast now," she
said My average time for Beauty and the Beast is ten minutes, and, if we "Next time," said Margery,
when we had reached the appointed place Was there the shadow of a smile in her eyes? I don't know. But I'm MARGERY has a passion for writing just now. I can see nothing in it "Will you just lend me your pencil?" she
asked. "Remind me to give you a hundred pencils some time," I
said as I "Oo, I gave it you back last
time." "Only just. You inveigle me
down here--" "What do I do?" "I'm not going to say that
again for anybody." "Well, may I have the pencil?" I gave her the pencil and a sheet of paper, and settled her in a "B-a-b-y," said Margery
to herself, planning out her weekly article "There!" she said, after
five minutes' composition. The manuscript was brought over to the critic, and the author stood "B-a-b-y," explained the author. "Baby." "Yes, that's very good; very
neatly expressed. 'Baby'--I like that." "Shall I write some more?" said
Margery eagerly. "Yes, do write some more.
This is good, but it's not long enough." The author retired again, and in five minutes produced this:-- B A B Y "That's 'baby,'" explained
Margery. "Yes, I like that baby better
than the other one. It's more spread "Shall I write some more?" "Don't you write anything
else ever?" "I like writing 'baby,'" said Margery carelessly. "B-a-b-y." "Yes, but you can't do much
with just that one word. Suppose you "Well, what WOULD it be good
putting?" "Ah, that's the whole art
of writing--to know what it would be any Margery, her elbows on my knee and her chin resting on her hands, "Yes, that's old 'got,'" she
said. "He's always coming in. When
you want to say, 'I've got a bad pain, "G-o-t, got," said Margery. "G-o-t,
got. G-o-t, got." "With appropriate action it
makes a very nice recitation." "Is THAT a 'g'?" said
Margery, busy with the pencil, which she had "The gentleman with the tail.
You haven't made his tail quite long Margery retired to her study, charged with an entirely new G O T "Got," she pointed out. I inspected it carefully. Coming fresh to the idea Margery had "Have you any more words?" she
asked, holding tight to the pencil. "You've about exhausted me,
Margery." "What was that one you said
just now? The one you said you wouldn't "Oh, you mean 'inveigle'?" I
said, pronouncing it differently this "Yes; write that for me." "It hardly ever comes in.
Only when you are writing to your "What's 'solicitor'?" "He's the gentleman who takes
the money. He's ALWAYS coming in." "Then write 'solicitor.'" I took the pencil (it was my turn for it) and wrote SOLICITOR. Then "I am not sure now," I said, "that
there is such a word." "Why?" "I thought there was when
I began, but now I don't think there can "Let me write it," said
Margery, eagerly taking the paper and She retired, and--as well as she could for her excitement--copied SOLICITOR SOLICITOR SOLCTOR "Yes, you've done it a lot of good," I said. "You've
taken some of "Do you think there is such
a word now?" "I'm beginning to feel more
easy about it. I'm not certain, but I "So do I," said Margery.
With the pencil in one hand and the various And it seems to me that she is well equipped for the task. For When, five years ago, I used to write long letters to Margery, for But, bless you, that was nearly five years ago. Each morning now, "MY DEAR UNCLE I thot you
wher coming to see me to night but you I always think that footnotes to a letter are a mistake, but there (A) Just as some journalists feel
that without the word "economic" a (B) There are lots of grown-up
people who think that "write" is (C) Both Margery and Bernard Shaw prefer to leave out the apostrophe (D) Years ago I claimed the privilege to monopolise, on the "Tell me about Beauty and the Beast," said
Margery as usual that "There's not time," I said. "We've
only five minutes to-night." "Oh! Then tell me all the
work you've done to-day." (A little unkind, you'll agree, but you know what relations are.) And so now I have to cram the record of my day's work into five I am sorry that these footnotes have grown so big; let us leave them In the particular case of this last letter but seven I wrote:-- "DEAREST MARGERY,--Thank you
for your sweet letter. I had a very There is perhaps nothing in that which demands an immediate answer, "MY DEAR UNCLE thank you for
your letter I am glad you are coming I said "Yes," and that
I was her loving uncle. It seemed to be then "MY DEAR UNCLE thank you for
your letter come erly on p t o Thursday Of course I thanked Baby for her love and gave my decision that it "MY DEAR UNCLE," wrote
Margery-- But we need not go into that. What I want to say is this: I love to CHUM IT is Chum's birthday to-morrow, and I am going to buy him a little It is rather absurd, though, to talk of birthdays in connection with When he first came to stay with us I took him a walk round the "You'll never guess," he said. "Look!" and
he dropped at my feet a I smacked his head and took him into the cottage to explain. "My dog," I said, "has
eaten one of your chickens." Chum nudged me in the ankle and grinned. "TWO of your chickens," I
corrected myself, looking at the fresh "You don't want me any more?" said
Chum, as the financial When I came out I was greeted effusively. "This is a wonderful day," he panted, as he wriggled his body. "I "We go home," I said,
and we went. That was Chum's last day of freedom. He keeps inside the front gate And even when there is nothing doing, he is still happy; waiting Chum has found, however, that his particular mission in life is to And it is just Chum's little runs over the beds which call aloud for "Chum, you bounder," I
shout as he is about to wade through the He takes no notice; he struggles through to the other side. But a "Did you call me?" he
says. "How DARE you walk over the
flowers?" He comes up meekly. "I suppose I've done SOMETHING wrong," he says, "but
I can't THINK I smack his head for him. He waits until he is quite sure I have "Chum!" I cry. He sits down in it and looks all round him in amazement. "My own bed!" he murmurs. "Given
to me!" I don't know what it is in him which so catches hold of you. His way "You silly old ass! You DEAR
old SILLY old ass!" BETTY THE HOTEL CHILD I WAS in the lounge when I made her acquaintance, enjoying a pipe "Would you like to see my shells?" she
asked suddenly. I woke up and looked at her. She was about seven years old, pretty, "I should love it," I
said. She produced a large paper bag from somewhere, and poured the "I've got two hundred and fifty-eight," she
announced. "So I see," I said. I
wasn't going to count them." "I think they're very pretty.
I'll give you one if you like. Which I sat up and examined them carefully. Seeing how short a time we had "Thank you very much," I
said. "I don't think you choose shells at all well," she
said scornfully. "It will grow on me," I explained. "In
a year or two I shall think "I'll let you have this one too," said
she, picking out the best. I had been playing at something all day. A little thinking in front "Let's talk instead," I suggested. "What's
your name?" "Betty." "I knew it was Betty. You
look just like Betty." "What's yours?" Somehow I hadn't expected that. After all, though, it was only fair. "Orlando," I said. "What a funny name. I don't
like it." "You should have said so before.
It's too late now. What have you "Playing on the sands. What
have you been doing?" "I've been playing in the
sand too. I suppose, Betty, you know "Oh, I play with them all
sometimes." "They ALL ask me that," said
Betty promptly. "I think I should like to ask you too," I said, "just
to be in the "Half-past six." She looked at the clock. "So
we've got half an Before I had time to do anything about it, the ball came bouncing "Where's my ball?" she
asked. "Has it come in?" I said in surprise. "Then
it must have gone out "I believe you've got it." "I swear I haven't, Betty.
I think the lady in the corner knows Betty rushed across to her and began to crawl under her chair. I "It is not my child, madam.
I found it here. Surely you can see that "I've got it," cried
Betty, and the old lady woke up with a jerk. "What are you doing, child?" she
said crossly. "Your little girl, madam," I
began--but Betty's ball bit me on the "Your little girl, sir," began
the old lady at the same moment. "I said it first," I murmured. "Betty," I went on aloud, "what
is "You've just said it." "I mean," I corrected myself quickly, "where
do you live?" "Kensington." I looked triumphantly at the old lady. Surely a father wouldn't need "We shall have to play this game more quietly," I said. "In
fact, we I gave her an easy one to start with, wishing to work up naturally "You've got to go to bed," she cried, clapping her hands. "You've "All right," I said coldly. "Don't
make a song about it." It was ten minutes past six. I generally go to bed at eleven-thirty. "You needn't go till half-past," said
Betty kindly. "No, no," I said firmly. "Rules are rules." I
had just remembered "Then I'll come with you and
see your room." "No, you mustn't do that;
you'd fall out of the window. It's a very "Then let's go on playing
here, and we won't go to bed if we miss." "Very well," I agreed.
Really there was nothing else for it. Robbed of its chief interest, the game proved, after ten minutes or "I like playing this game," said Betty. "Don't
you?" "I think I shall get to love it," I
said, looking at the clock. "Look out," I said as she went after it, "there's
somebody coming Somebody came in. She smiled ruefully at us and then took Betty's "I'm afraid my little girl has been worrying you," she
said "I KNEW you'd say that," said
Betty. CINDERELLA (BEING AN EXTRACT FROM HER DIARY--PICKED UP BEHIND THE SCENES) TUESDAY.--Sometimes I think I am a very lucky girl having two big Of course I have a good deal of work to do, and all the washing up, (LATER.)--A wonderful thing has happened! Two messengers came from As soon as the messengers had gone, my sisters began to get ready (LATER).--I AM GOING TO THE BALL! My Fairy Godmother, whom I had WEDNESDAY.--I have had a LOVELY time, and I think I am in love. I A terrible thing happened just as the clock struck twelve. All my Well, I've had a lovely time. Even if I never see the Prince again, THURSDAY.--I AM GOING TO MARRY THE PRINCE! I can't believe it is I do think I am a wonderful person! Outside in the street the rain fell pitilessly, but inside the "I beg your pardon," I said with a bow. "I
was--Oh, I'm sorry, I "What do you mean by real?" he
said. I started violently and took my hat off again. "I am very stupid this morning," I began. "The
fact is I mistook you "I AM a toy." "In that case," I said in some annoyance, "I
can't stay here arguing "Don't go. Stop and buy me.
You'll never get what you want if you An attendant came up and looked at me inquiringly. "How much is this THING?" I
said, and jerked a thumb at it. "The Father Christmas?" "Yes. I think I'll have it.
I'll take it with me--you needn't wrap I handed over some money and we pushed on together. "You heard what I called you?" I said to him. "A
thing. So don't go He gazed up innocently from under my arm. "What shall we get first?" he
asked. "I want the engine-room. The
locomotive in the home. The boy's own "That's downstairs. But did
you really think of an engine? I mean, I smacked his head, and we went downstairs. It was a delightful room. I was introduced to practically the whole "Engine, three carriages and
a guard's van. That's right. Then I "It's the extra weight," he sighed. "The
reindeer don't like it. And "Those are very jolly," I said when I had examined the rails. "I I got about thirty feet, and then turned to switches and signals and Just as we were going away I caught sight of the jolliest little "Don't be silly," said the voice under my arm. "You'll
never be "Why not?" "Wait till the children have
fallen into the bath once or twice with "I see," I said stiffly,
and we went upstairs. "The next thing we want is
bricks." "Bricks," said Father Christmas uneasily. "Bricks.
Yes, there's "Where do we get bricks?" "Bricks. You know, I don't
think mothers are as fond as all that of "I got the mother's present
yesterday, thanks very much. This is for They showed me bricks and they showed me pictures of what the bricks "Jove, I should love that," I said." I
mean HE would love that. Do We paid and moved off again. "What are you mumbling about now?" I
asked. "I said you'll only make the
boy discontented with his present home "Yes, and when royalty comes
on a visit, where would you put them? "Very well. What do your children
hang up? Stockings or We went downstairs again. "Having provided for the engineer and the architect," I said, "we "You want a milk-cart! You
want a milk-cart! You want a--Why not I put him head downwards in my pocket and approached an official. "Do you keep milk-carts?" I
said diffidently. He screwed up his face and thought. "I could get you one," he
said. "I don't want you to build
one specially for me. If they aren't "Oh yes, they're made. I can
show a picture of one in our He showed it to me. It was about the size of a perambulator, and "Look at that!" I exclaimed
in delight. "Good lord!" he said,
and dived into the pocket again. I held him there tightly and finished my business with the official. Father Christmas has never spoken since. Sometimes I wonder if he I.--TAKING A CALL "MAY I come in?" said
Miss Middleton. I looked up from my book and stared at her in amazement. "Hullo," I said. "Hullo," said Miss Middleton
doubtfully. "Are you going to have tea
with me?" "That's what I was wondering
all the way up." "It's all ready; in fact,
I've nearly finished. There's a cake Miss Middleton hesitated at the door and looked wistfully at me. "I suppose--I suppose," she said timidly, "you
think I ought to have "In a way, I'm just as glad
you didn't." "I've heaps of chaperons outside
on the stairs, you know." "There's no place like outside
for chaperons." "And the liftman believes
I'm your aunt. At least, perhaps he I looked at her, and then I smiled. And then I laughed. "So that's all right," she said breathlessly. "And
I want my tea." "Tea," I said, going to the cupboard. "I
suppose you'll want a cup Miss Middleton took a large piece
of cake. "What were you studying "A dictionary." "But how lucky I came. Because
I can spell simply everything. What "I don't want to know how
to spell anything, thank you; but I Miss Middleton sat down and drank
her tea. "I love helping," she "Well, it's this. I've just
been asked to be a godfather." Miss Middleton stood up suddenly. "Do I salute," she
asked. "You sit down and go on eating.
The difficulty is--what to call it?" "Oh, do godfathers provide
the names?" "I think so. It is what they
are there for, I fancy. That is about "And can't you find anything
in the dictionary?" "Well, I don't think the dictionary
is helping as much as I "But I hate Algernon anyhow.
Why not choose quite a simple name? Had "No, I hadn't thought of 'John,'
somehow." "Or 'Gerald'?" "'Gerald' I like very much." "What about 'Dick'?" she
went on eagerly. "Yes, 'Dick' is quite jolly.
By the way, did I tell you it was a Miss Middleton rose with dignity. "For your slice of plum cake
and your small cup of tea I thank you," "Not yet," I pleaded. "I'll just ask you one question
before I go. Where do you keep the She found the biscuits and sat down again. "A girl's name," I said
encouragingly. "Yes. Well, is she fair or
dark?" "She's very small at present.
What there is of her is dark, I "Well, there are millions
of names for dark girls." "We only want one or two." "'Barbara' is a nice dark
name. Is she going to be pretty?" "Her mother says she is. I
didn't recognize the symptoms. Very "_I_ always call them whoppers," said
Miss Middleton. "How do you like 'Alison Mary'?
That was my first idea." "Oh, I thought it was always
'William and Mary.' Or else 'Victoria "I didn't say 'Alice AND Mary,'
stoopid. I said 'Alison,' a Scotch "But how perfectly sweet!
Why weren't you MY godfather? Would you "Probably. I will now, if
you like. Then you approve of 'Alison "I love it. Thank you very
much. And will you always call me "I say," I began in alarm, "I'm
not giving that name to you. It's "Oh no! 'Alisons' are ALWAYS
fair." "You've just made that up," I said suspiciously. "How
do you know?" "Sort of instinct." "The worst of it is, I believe
you're right." "Of course I am. That settles
it. Now, what was your next idea?" "'Angela.'" "'Angelas,'" said Miss Middleton, "are
ALWAYS fair." "Why do you want all the names
to yourself? You say everything's "Why can you only think of
names beginning with 'A'? Try another "Suppose YOU try now." Miss Middleton wrinkled her brow and nibbled a lump of sugar. "'Dorothy,'" she said at last, "because
you can call them 'Dolly.'" "There IS only one." "Or 'Dodo.'" "And it isn't a bird." "Then there's 'Violet.'" "My good girl, you don't understand.
Any of these common names the Miss Middleton absently took another lump of sugar and, catching my "I don't believe that you've ever been a godfather before," she There was a knock at the door, and the liftman came in. Miss "A letter, sir," he said. "Thanks.... And as I was saying, Aunt Alison," I
went on in a loud . . . . . . . "Bah!" I said angrily,
and I threw the letter down. "Would you like to be left alone?" suggested
Miss Middleton kindly. "It is from the child's so-called
parents, and their wretched "'Violet Daisy,'" said
Miss Middleton solemnly, trying not to smile. "Why stop there?" I said bitterly. "Why
not 'Geranium' and "'Artichoke,'" said Miss Middleton gravely, "is
a boy's name." "Well, I wash my hands of
the whole business now. No napkin ring "Yes?" said Miss Middleton
eagerly. "I call it simply--" "Yes?" "'Violet Daisy,'" I finished,
with a great effort. "OUR dance," I said; "and
it's no good pretending it isn't." "Come on," said Miss Middleton. "It's
my favourite waltz. I expect "It's my favourite too, but
you're the first person I've told." "The worst of having a dance in your own house," said
Miss "Have you said that to all
your partners too?" "I expect so. I must have
said everything. Don't look so I let go with one hand and felt my face. "Yes," I said. "That's
how I do it." "Well, you needn't bother,
because none of them thought I meant "I shall have to think that over by myself," I
said after a pause. "I'm older than you think," said Miss Middleton. "Oh,
bother, I "Perhaps you've been ageing
lately. I have. This last election has "I don't know anything about
politics. Father does all the knowing "He's on the right side, isn't
he?" "I think he is. He says he
is." "Oh, well, he ought to know....
Yes, the truth is I came here to be "Oh, why do you want to argue
about politics?" "But I DON'T want to. It's
a funny thing, but nobody will believe me "I expect it's because you
say it AFTER you've finished arguing, "Perhaps that's it." "I never argue with mother.
I simply tell her to do something, and "Really, I think Mrs Middleton
has done wonderfully well, "Oh, I'd recommend her anywhere," said
Miss Middleton confidently. We dropped into silence again. Anyhow, it was MY favourite waltz. "You did say, didn't you, the first dance we had together," said "Didn't I say that I should
prefer to do whatever you preferred? "I don't think it does, a
bit." "No, perhaps you're right.
Besides, I remember now what I did say. I "What did I say?" "You said, 'Sir, something
tells me that we shall be great friends. "But what a memory!" "I can remember more than
that. I can rememher the actual struggle. The band died slowly down until no sound could be heard above the "Bother," said Miss Middleton. "That's just like a band," I
said bitterly. "I'll tell it to go on again;
it's MY band." "It will be your devoted band
if you ask it prettily enough." Miss Middleton went away, and came back to the sound of music, "Did you give him the famous smile?" I asked. "Yes,
that one." "I said, 'WOULD you mind playing
that one again, PLEASE?' And "And then you looked as if
you were just going to cry, and at the "I believe you're cleverer than some of us think," said
Miss "I sometimes think so too.
However, to get back to what we were "To get back to what I was
saying--I've simply GOT to do a lot of "I'd rather do both. I mean
all three. No, I mean both." "Well, perhaps I would, too." "You know, I think you'd be
doing good. I've had a horrible "Isn't that beautiful Miss
Ellison I introduced you to just now part "Oh yes, it's all part; but--" Miss Middleton sighed. "Then that nice young man
with the bald head will have to go The band really stopped this time, and we found a comfortable "That's very jolly of you," I
said, as I leant back lazily and "You're very thoughtful," said Miss Middleton. "What's
the matter?" "I am extremely unhappy," I
confessed. "Oh, but think of Foster and
Hobbs and Woolley." I thought of Foster; I let my mind dwell upon Hobbs. It was no good. "I am still rather sad," I
said. "Why? Doesn't anybody love
you?" "Millions adore me fiercely.
It isn't that at all. The fact is I've "Oh, I AM sorry. Many happy--" "Thank you." "I thought it was to-morrow," Miss Middleton went on eagerly. "And "I'd rather have had nothing.
I want to forget about my birthday "Oh, are you as old as that?" "Yes," I said sadly, "I
am as old as that. I have passed another We gazed into the fire in silence for some minutes. "If it's any comfort to you," said Miss Middleton timidly, "to
know "I'm not sure that I feel
any older." "Then, except for birthdays,
how do you know you ARE older?" I looked at her and saw that I could trust her. "May I confess to you?" I
asked. "But of course!" she cried eagerly. "I love confessions." She I picked a coal out of the fire with the tongs and lit my cigarette. "I know that I'm getting old," I said; "I
know that my innocent "Oo-o-o-oh," said Miss
Middleton happily to herself. "Last Monday, about three
o'clock in the afternoon, I--No, I can't "Is it very bad?" said
Miss Middleton wistfully. "Very. I don't think you--Oh,
well, if you must have it, here it is. Miss Middleton looked at me quickly, smiled suddenly, and then "I appeared," I went on impressively, "to
be thinking of insuring my "Have you done it?" "No, certainly not. I drew
back in time. But it was a warning--it "Tell me some more," said
Miss Middleton, after she had allowed this "Well, that was Monday afternoon.
I told myself that in the "The smelling-salts--quick!" said
Miss Middleton, as she closed her "Doing dumb-bells. Ten lunges
to the east, ten lunges to the west, "Were you reducing your figure?" "I don't know what I was doing.
But there I found myself on the cold "Is that all you have to tell me?" said
Miss Middleton. "That's the worst. But there
have been other little symptoms--little "Well, of all the impertinence--What
did you do?" "Made it ten pounds, of course.
But there you are; you see what's "Of course I did," said Miss Middleton indignantly. "You
ate all the "No, I don't mean that at
all. What I mean is that I only had three Miss Middleton poked the fire vigorously. "About the lunges," she
said. "Ten to the east, ten to the
west, ten to the nor'-nor'-east, ten "Yes. Well, I should have
thought that that was just the thing to "It is. That's the tragedy
of it. I used to BE young; now I KEEP "Some day," said Miss Middleton, "you
must tell me all about the "Yes, do let me. I really
think it would do me good." "Well, what can you do?" "Can I break anything?" I
asked, looking round the room. "I really don't think you
must. Mother's very silly about things "Can I go into the kitchen
and frighten the cook?" Miss Middleton sighed mournfully. "ISN'T it a shame," she said, "that
mothers object to all the really "Mrs Middleton is a little
difficult to please. I shall give up "I should laugh in church
on Sunday thinking of it. I always do." I lit another cigarette and smoked it thoughtfully. "I have a brilliant idea," I
said at last. "Something really silly?" "Something preposterously
foolish. It seems to me just now the most "Tell me!" beseeched
Miss Middleton, clasping her hands. "I shall," I said, gurgling with laughter, "insure
my life." IV.-THE HERALD OF SUMMER MISS MIDDLETON has a garden of which she is very proud. Miss "I have come," I announced,
feeling that some excuse was necessary, "But I don't think we have any," she said in surprise. "I've
never "They're just the ordinary
sort of flower that people point to and "I am afraid," smiled Miss Middleton, "that
there isn't such a "Then I suppose I must go back to London," I
said, getting up. "Stay and inspect the meter," pleaded Miss Middleton. "Or
ask father "I will stay," I said, sitting down again, "and
talk to you. Between Miss Middleton sighed and shook her head. "But not here," she said. "I was afraid not, but I thought
I'd remind you in case. Well, after "Oh, I thought last season
was the great one." "It was spoilt by the Coronation,
the papers say. You remember how "What else do the papers say?
I seem to have missed them lately. "Well, the Sardine Defence
League has just been formed. I think of "Do they have a tent at the Eton and Harrow match?" asked
Miss "I will inquire. I wonder
if there is a Vice-Presidency vacant. I "V.P.S.D.L.," said Miss Middleton thoughtfully. "It
would look Tea came, and I put my deck-chair one rung up to meet it. It is "This is very jolly," I said. "Do
you know that my view during "You oughtn't to want to look
out of the window when you're working. "Well, it all makes me appreciate
the country properly. I wish I "Not till the end of June." "I was afraid you'd say that.
May I come down and see your garden at "Are you as fond of raspberries
as all that? Why didn't I know?" "I'm not a bit mad about them,
really, but they're a symbol of "But that means that summer
is half over. The cuckoo is what I'm I looked round to see that nobody was within earshot. "I haven't heard it yet," I confessed. "It
wasn't really so much to "Yes, we do ourselves very well," said
Miss Middleton confidently. "Well, I didn't like to say
anything about it before, because I There was an appalling silence. "I don't seem to hear it," I
said at last. "But _I_ haven't heard it here yet," Miss Middleton protested. "It "Yes, but when I've come down
specially to hear it--" "CUCK-OO," said Miss
Middleton suddenly, and looked very innocent. "There, that was the nightingale,
but it's the cuckoo I really want "I AM sorry about it. If you
like, I'll listen to you while you tell "No, don't bother," I said in some disappointment; "you've
done your "CUCK-OO," said somebody
from the apple tree. "There!" cried Miss Middleton. "That's much better," I said. "Now
make it come from the laburnum, "I'm not doing it, really!" she said. "At
least only the first "CUCK-OO," said somebody
from the apple tree again. There was no doubt about it. I let my deck-chair down a rung and "Now," I said, "we're
off." You may believe this or not as you like. Personally I don't know I was writing my weekly story: one of those things with a He and a At that moment I was called out of the room to speak to the "I beg your pardon," I said. "The
housekeeper never told me. Whom "Thanks," said the man. "I'm
Reginald." "Are you really?" I cried. "Jove,
I AM glad to see you. I was "I'm sick of it," said
Reginald. "Sick of what?" "Of being accepted by Dorothy." I turned to the girl. "You don't mean to say--" "Yes; I'm Dorothy. I'm sick
of it too." "Dorothy!" I cried. "By
the way, let me introduce you. Reginald, "Thanks," said Reginald coldly. "We
have met before." "Surely not. Just let me look
a moment.... No, I thought not. You Reginald stood up. "Look here," he said. "Do
you know who I am?" "You're just Reginald," I said; "and
there's no need to stand about "Never," said Reginald
angrily. "That's what we've come about," said
Dorothy. I rubbed my forehead wearily. "Would one of you explain?" I asked. "I
can't think what's happened. Reginald sat down again and lit a cigarette. "It's simply this," he said, trying to keep calm. "You
may call me "Nonsense. Why, it was Richard
last week." "But the same person." "And Gerald the week before.
Gerald, yes; he was rather a good "Just the same, only the name
was different. And who are we? We are I looked inquiringly at Dorothy. "Last week," he went on, "you
called me Richard. And I proposed to "And I accepted him," said
Dorothy. "You!" I said. "What
were YOU doing there, I should like to know?" "Last week I was Phyllis." "The week before," went on Reginald, "I
was Gerald, and I proposed "I was Millicent, and I accepted
him." "The week before that I was--Good
Heavens, think of it--I was "A beastly name, I agree," I
said. "You gave it me." "Yes, but I wasn't feeling
very well that week." "I was Mabel," put in Dorothy, "and
I accepted him." "No, no, no--no, don't say
that. I mean, one doesn't accept people "You made me." "Did I? I'm awfully sorry.
Yes, I quite see your point." "The week before," went on Reginald remorselessly, "I
was--" "Don't go back into February,
please! February is such a rotten "Just what I said," explained Reginald. "You
think you have a new There was just something about Reginald that I seemed to recognize. "Then who are you really," I asked, "if
you're always the same "Yourself. Not really yourself,
of course, but yourself as you I laughed scornfully. "You're
nothing of the sort. How ridiculous! "I suppose you think I am." "No, I don't. I think you
are a silly ass. Saying I'm my own hero. "I'm the girl you're in love with," said Dorothy. "Idealized." "I'm not in love with any one," I
denied indignantly. "Then your ideal girl." "Ah, you might well be that," I
smiled. I looked at her longingly. She was wonderfully beautiful. I went a "And we've come," said Reginald, putting his oar in again, "to
say I ignored Reginald altogether. "Are you really sick of him?" I
asked Dorothy. "Yes!" "As sick of him as I am?" "I--I daresay." "Then let's cross him out," I
said. And I went back to the table and "Steady on," began Reginald uneasily. "All
I meant was--" "Personally, as you know," I said to Dorothy, "I
think he's a silly "I say, look here, old chap--" Dorothy nodded. I dipped the pen in the ink. "Then out he goes," I
said, and I drew a line through him. When I "Dorothy!" I said. "At
last!" "But my name isn't really Dorothy, you know," she
said with a smile. "Then what is it really? Tell
me! So that I may know my ideal when I I got ready to write the name down. I dipped my pen in the ink Fool, fool! She was gone! II faut vivre. You'll see the story in one of the papers this week.
CONTENTS
HOLIDAY TIME
THE HOUSE-WARMING
AT PLAY
TWO STORIES
AN ODD LOT
LITTLE PLAYS FOR AMATEURS
A CHAPTER OF ACCIDENTS
STORIES OF SUCCESSFUL LIVES
A FEW FRIENDS
EPILOGUE
HOLIDAY TIME
nobody got up early in it.
he said, "and engaged the sea at great expense to come up to its
doors twice a day, it was on the distinct understanding that our
guests should plunge into it punctually at seven o'clock every
morning."
knees."
do for you to-morrow. Good-night."
window.
must have swallowed it in my sleep."
away from the window.
shirt and a pair of trousers with great speed. "Where do I take
these off again?" I asked. "I seem to be giving myself a lot of
trouble."
bathe later on."
I'm NOT a coward."
plenty of movement on the sea.
down to the beach.
says you mustn't bathe within an hour of a heavy meal. Well, I'm
going to have a very heavy meal within about twenty minutes. That
isn't right, you know."
of the tent and shivered.
" There are points about the early morning, after all."
all the sharp stones from? Look at that one there--he's simply
waiting for me."
village."
you'd lend me one of yours, and we'd hop down together."
there we sat down while he took off his shoes.
you that up till now I haven't enjoyed this early morning bathe one
little bit. I suppose there will be a notable moment when the
ecstasy actually begins, but at present I can't see it coming at
all. The only thing I look forward to with any pleasure is the
telling Dahlia and Myra at breakfast what I think of their
cowardice. That and the breakfast itself. Good-bye."
I shall never know a more absolutely beastly and miserable moment
than this." Then a wave knocked me down, and I saw that I had spoken
too hastily.
swim and those who don't. I am one of the drinkers. For this reason
I prefer river bathing to sea bathing.
pint. "I'm exceeding my allowance."
beach in the sun and smoked a cigarette, and threw pebbles lazily
into the sea.
down between us, "or did you rumple each other's hair so as to
deceive me?"
there now is what I left."
to-day--because I had so much yesterday."
these years I have the most sensitive palate of any man living. For
instance, I can distinguish between Scarborough and Llandudno quite
easily with my eyes shut. Speaking as an expert, I may say that
there is nothing to beat a small Cromer and seltzer; though some
prefer a Ventnor and dash. Ilfracombe with a slice of lemon is
popular, but hardly appeals to the fastidious."
ought to drivel before breakfast. It isn't decent. What does Dahlia
want to do to-day, Myra?"
will be sufficient for us. I do hope he comes in a yachting
cap--we'll send him back if he doesn't."
letter--please bring your telescope and yachting cap. She thought we
could have a good day's sailing to-morrow, if you'd kindly arrange
about the wind."
becalmed we can always throw somebody overboard, of course. Well, I
must go in and finish my toilet."
II.--BECALMED
all that you and Joe can do in the way of a breeze, you needn't have
worried."
up all night whistling."
side of the mainsail.
" Let's get out."
almanac. "How far are we from anywhere?" he asked cheerfully.
public-house, six from a church, four from a post-office, and three
from the spacious walled-in kitchen-garden and tennis-court. On the
other hand, we are quite close to the sea."
... at first ... perhaps; but they will soon forget. The circulation
of the papers that you wrote for will go up, the brindled bull-pup
will be fed by another and a smaller hand, but otherwise all will be
as it was before."
into the sea.
severely, as he fished with the boat-hook. "There is a time for
ballyragging. By the way, I suppose you do want it back again?"
didn't like it."
then brought it in.
" Lovely day for a sail. We've got the new topmast up, but Her Grace
had the last of the potted-meat for lunch yesterday."
ninepence in the Buckingham Palace Road," he murmured. "Thanks, old
chap."
cloud in the sky, no ripple on the water, no sound along the deck.
The land was hazy in the distance; hazy in the distance was
public-house, church, post-office, walled-in kitchen-garden and
tennis-court. But in the little cabin Joe was making a pleasant
noise with plates....
pipe. "Now what shall we do? I feel full of energy."
" I'll coach from the Armadillo."
Vicarage girls."
" I'm sorry."
and things. I learnt them coming down in the train. Everybody ought
to know them. Archie, old man, can you let me have a piece of rope?"
hang himself with. He sat down opposite to us, wrapped the rope once
round his waist, and then beamed at us over his spectacles.
this rope down to you, what would you do with YOUR end?"
it a sharp jerk," said Archie.
I should love to know--I'm always falling down wells."
there--and then back under there. You see, it simply CAN'T slip.
Then I should pull you up."
varied," I said.
to him, and he'll hang himself by mistake."
annoying occasions when he starts out to strangle somebody and finds
that he's pulling him out of the cistern."
more."
ones. Do you know the Monkey's Claw?"
thing, but it was not a bit like Simpson's. Simpson must have
started badly, and I think he used too much rope. After about twenty
minutes there was hardly any of him visible at all.
know when you're ready to be put into the safe, that's all."
" that one day he'll be a dear little butterfly."
go for threepence."
there at all, really."
rations. One cobnut and a thimbleful of sherry wine per diem. I hope
somebody's brought a thimble."
lightly-boiled shoe-lace the last thing at night."
tin of corned beef and a compass and a keg of gunpowder, somebody
might easily row in and post the letters. Personally, as captain, I
must stick to my ship."
breeze coming over the waters. A minute later and our pennant napped
once Simpson moistened a finger and held it up.
III.--A DAY ASHORE
sea in the front of the house, and there's the Armadillo straining
at the leash; and I've had some land put down at the back of the
house, and there's the Silent-Knight eating her carburettor off in
the kennels."
asked Simpson. "Keats," he added kindly.
becalmed again, I could teach you chaps signalling."
motor.
going to, by the way?"
was buried."
Tussaud's, Mr Simpson."
Norman church, I believe, and we ought to go and see it. The
Philistines needn't come in if they don't want to."
for years and years and years, and you care so little about it that
you've never been to see it and aren't sure whether it was Katharine
of Aragon or Alice-for-short who was buried here, and now that you
HAVE come across it by accident you want to drive up to it in a
brand-new 1910 motor-car, with Simpson in his 1910 gent.'s fancy
vest knocking out the ashes of his pipe against the lych-gate as he
goes in. ... And that's what it is to be one of the elect!"
" Your turn, Dahlia."
one day--that's how all the nice stories begin--and he suddenly came
across a beautiful maiden, and he said to himself, 'I've lived here
for years and years and years, and I've never seen her before, and
I'm not sure whether her name is Katharine or Alice, or where her
uncle was buried, and I've got a new surcoat on which doesn't match
her wimple at all, so let's leave her and go home to lunch....' And
THAT'S what it is to be one of the elect!"
to come after you."
this little church together, and see who was buried there."
Round Jibmouth.
wasn't two years ago, when this book was published. So that looks as
though it can't be VERY early Norman."
anything) for lunch, and had the baskets out of the car in no time.
you going to take advantage of your sex and watch Dahlia and me do
all the work?"
I said. "I know I'm never allowed in the kitchen at home. Besides,
I've got more important work to do--I'm going to make the fire."
until you have laid a fire of twigs and branches, rubbed two sticks
together to procure a flame, and placed in the ashes the pemmican or
whatever it is that falls to your rifle."
were none rising."
as she took them out; "what else do you want?"
looked for. No pemmican, no cake, no early Norman church. We might
almost as well be back in the Cromwell Road."
cake."
begin," he said; "I'm hungry."
there is an entire absence of it, a shortage, a vacuum, not to say a
lacuna. In the place where it should be there is an aching void or
mere hard-boiled eggs or something of that sort. I say, doesn't
ANYBODY mind, except me?"
Archie back for it. Instead, I did a little wrist-work with the
corkscrew....
butterfly nets, I'd better say that we shall be moving on at about
half-past three. That is, unless one of you has discovered the slot
of a Large Cabbage White just then, and is following up the trail
very keenly."
alone."
the hardest work in the world?"
you that signalling now?"
a picnic so pleasant. Because all the important things, the eating
and the sleeping, one can do anywhere.
IV.--IN THE WET
head at the weather.
we thought. "Utter and deliberate beast."
sailed across to the mouth of the--I always forget its name, and
then up the river to the famous old castle of-of-no, it's gone
again; but anyhow, there was to have been a bathe in the river, and
lunch, and a little exploration in the dinghy, and a lesson in the
Morse code from Simpson, and tea in the woods with a real fire, and
in the cool of the evening a ripping run home before the wind. But
now the only thing that seemed certain was the cool of the evening.
book in it, except a lot of Strand Magazines for 1907. That must
have been a very wet year."
front part of Elizabeth's favourite palfrey, the arrow which shot
Rufus, Jonah, the two little Princes in the Tower, and Mrs
Pankhurst."
little Princes."
about it."
account of the last pair of boots, sandals, or whatnot of the man
who laid the first stone of the house where lived the prettiest aunt
of the man who reared the goose which laid the egg from which came
the goose which provided the last quill pen used by the third man
Shakespeare met on the second Wednesday in June, 1595."
thought.
career, my lad," said Archie. "What happened the last time you
played ludo?"
of Hall Caine's first bicycle. They guessed Hall Caine and the
bicycle and the spoke very quickly, but nobody thought of suggesting
the favourite spoke."
would probably be a fine evening.
if the audience won't come to us, let's go to them."
trying."
preparations. Archie and Myra were all right; one plays the banjo
and the other the guitar. (It is a musical family, the Mannerings.)
Simpson keeps a cornet which he generally puts in his bag, but I
cannot remember anyone asking him to play it. If the question has
ever arisen, he has probably been asked not to play it. However, he
would bring it out to-night. In any case he has a tolerable voice;
while Dahlia has always sung like an angel. In short, I was the
chief difficulty.
Myra.
put in two tooth-brushes and left out the triangle. Do you think
there's a triangle shop in the village? I generally play on an
isosceles one, any two sides of which are together greater than the
third. Likewise the angles which are opposite to the adjacent sides,
each to each."
in the chromatic scale of A, and has a splice. It generally gets the
chromatics very badly in the winter."
round, and by tea-time we all knew our parts perfectly. I had
received permission to join in the choruses, and I was also to be
allowed to do a little dance with Myra. When you think that I had
charge of the financial arrangements as well, you can understand
that I felt justified in considering myself the leader of the
troupe.
distinguish yourselves from me."
we might each carry a little board explaining why we're doing this."
himself--
AM. I AM EXTREMELY FREQUENT."
SHILLING FOR A FREE SAMPLE CONCERT, MENTIONING THIS PAPER. YOUR
MONEY BACK IF WE ARE NOT SATISFIED WITH IT."
GRASS. RUNNER-UP IN THE OCARINA WELTER WEIGHTS (STRANGLE HOLD
BARRED). MIXED ZITHER CHAMPION (1907, COVERED COURTS)."
WAS SINKING FOR THE THIRD TIME WHEN IT WAS RESCUED, AND HAD TO BE
BROUGHT ROUND BY ARTIFICIAL RESPIRATION. CAN YOU SPARE US A DRINK OF
WATER?"
notice said--
KEEP THE CAP."
when they were finishing their own meal and feeling friendly to the
world. Then we went upstairs and dressed. Dahlia and Myra had
kimonos, Simpson put on his dressing-gown, in which he fancies
himself a good deal, and Archie and I wore brilliantly-coloured
pyjamas over our other clothes.
don't I? And then what do we do?"
'Santa Lucia,' and Myra and I give them a duet, and if you're back
by then with your false nose properly fixed it might be safe for you
to join in the chorus of a coon song. Now then, are we all ready?"
V.--MAROONED
with his oar.
you will know that 'bow' is not the gentleman who sets the time.
What do you suppose would happen at Queen's Hall if the second
bird-call said to the conductor, 'Henry, you're late'?"
explained Thomas. "Long-short, short-short-long, short-long. You're
spelling out the most awful things, if you only knew."
tell them what happened to you on the ornamental waters in Regent's
Park that rough day."
morning."
oars.
you're tired."
polite) and from a position in the stern waited with turned-up
coat-collars for the water to come on board.
all right, I'm not a bit wet, thanks."
would have gone aground and lost all her--her shell. Do armadilloes
have shells, or what?"
Archie. "Simpson, if we upset, save the milk and the sandwiches; my
wife can swim."
sides, but on the right a grassy slope broke them at the water's
edge for some fifty yards. Thither we rowed, and after a little
complicated manoeuvring landed suddenly, Simpson, who was standing in
the bows with the boat-hook, being easily the first to reach the
shore. He got up quickly, however, apologized, and helped the ladies
and the hampers out. Thereafter he was busy for some time, making
the dinghy fast with a knot peculiarly his own.
off," said Archie, and he stuck the boat-hook into the ground.
" After which you are requested to light fires to frighten the wild
beasts. The woodbines are very wild at this time of the year."
very useful," said the thoughtful Dahlia.
the bag of nails."
well. We've forgotten it."
last week, but this is far, far worse. I shall go into the wood and
eat berries."
aren't too busy, you'd go into the wood and collect sticks for the
fire."
waiting for me in the ante-room. An extremely long queue--almost a
half-butt in fact."
arm-in-arm up the hill to look at a view, Simpson was helping Myra
with the hampers, and Thomas, the latest arrival from town, was
lying on his back, telling them what he alleged to be a good story
now going round London. Myra told it to me afterwards, and we agreed
that as a boy it had gone round the world several times first. Yet I
heard her laugh unaffectedly--what angels women are!
indiarubber from the mango tree, a chutney from the banana grove,
and an omelet from the turtle run, I missed the chutney with my
first barrel, and brought it down rather luckily with the ricochet."
apricots have often escaped with their lives by sitting in the cream
and pretending to be poached eggs."
many a pill called Beauchamp to pronounce its name Cholmondeley."
hadn't the heart to refuse him. It was, he said, the way they lit
fires on the veldt (and other places where they wanted fires), and
it went out the first time because the wind must have changed round
after he had begun to lay the wood. He got the draught in the right
place the next time, and for a moment we thought we should have to
take to the boats; but the captain averted a panic, and the fire was
got under. Then the kettle was put on, and of all the boiled water I
have ever tasted this was the best.
scoutmaster."
afternoon, and knew they were wounded because of the blood."
Troop B to betray the secret password to you."
Mannering?"
shall."
birth, nurtured in a peaceful English home, brought up in an
atmosphere of old-world courtesy, should so far forget herself as
to attempt to wheedle a promising young scoutmaster, who can light a
fire, practically speaking, backwards--this, I repeat, is too
much."
of the women and children.
the shore, going very slowly upstream.
will have to."
and the one who's first digested goes in."
would be a lengthy one.
VI.--A LITTLE CRICKET FOR AN ENDING
excitement.
you till dinner. Be quick and change."
stairs; "and, Archie, it's a champagne night."
expecting a good deal, and that if you don't live up to the
excitement you've created, you'll be stood in the corner for the
rest of dinner."
eleven, I went and had a bathe, and I met another girl in the sea."
I gave her my card--I mean I said, 'I'm Myra Mannering.' And she
said, 'I'm sure you're keen on cricket.'"
cricketer, even when she's only got her head above water?"
she said, 'Will you play us at mixed cricket on Saturday?' And a big
wave came along and went inside me just as I was saying yes."
anybody else who looked like a cricketer and might play for us?"
confidently. "And oh, I do hope we're in form; we haven't played for
years."
last five places in the eleven had been filled with care: a
preparatory school-boy and his little sister (found by Dahlia on the
beach), Miss Debenham (found by Simpson on the road with a punctured
bicycle), Mrs Oakley (found by Archie at the station and
re-discovered by Myra in the Channel), and Sarah, a jolly girl of
sixteen (found by me and Thomas in the tobacconist's, where she was
buying The Sportsman).
we're wanted. Who's going to bowl?"
balls, beautiful swerving wides, while the next two were well caught
and returned by third man. Simpson's range being thus established,
he made a determined attack on the over proper with lobs, and
managed to wipe off half of it. Encouraged by this, he returned with
such success to overhand that the very next ball got into the
analysis, the batsman reaching out and hitting it over the hedge for
six. Two more range-finders followed before Simpson scored another
dot with a sneak; and then, at what should have been the last ball,
a tragedy occurred.
if I go on with overhand," he said joyfully, and he played his
twelfth.
the ball, caught it up near point, and hit it hard in the direction
of cover. Sarah shot up a hand unconcernedly.
explain how he did it.
It's his left hand, of course, but we can't go round to all the
spectators and explain that he can really bowl quite decent long
hops with his right."
missed a sitter. Subsequently Simpson caught her eye from another
part of the field, and explained telegraphically to her how she
should have drawn her hands in to receive the ball. The third over
was entrusted to Sarah.
shone. Sarah is doing it all."
where it is due."
right-handed, you know."
left-handed."
pitcher, he has an acquired swerve at bandy, and he is a
lepidopterist of considerable charm. But he can't bowl with either
hand."
the only Rabbit who made ten, and my whole innings was played in an
atmosphere of suspicion very trying to a sensitive man. Mrs Oakley
was in when I took guard, and I played out the over with great care,
being morally bowled by every ball. At the end of it a horrible
thought occurred to me: I had been batting right-handed! Naturally I
changed round for my next ball. (Movements of surprise.)
why aren't you playing right?"
just now. Sorry."
explained to her. The next ball I hit left-handed for six. (LOUD
MUTTERS.)
right-handed six. There was an awful hush. I looked round at the
field and prepared to run for it. I felt that they suspected me of
all the undiscovered crimes of the year.
like--sideways, or upside down, or hanging on to the branch of a
tree, or--"
tears, and bolted to the tent.
" we had jolly good fun."
THE HOUSE-WARMING
cushions of my deck-chair, and let my eyes wander lazily over the
house and its surroundings. After a year of hotels and other
people's houses, Dahlia and Archie had come into their own.
the lawn toward us--Myra with a jug.
afraid. I heard him saying something in the passage about it this
morning when I was inside."
cold bath."
on. For myself I was at the window looking at the beautiful view."
people out of the bathroom?" grunted Thomas.
any on the way."
of us except Simpson. We shall probably be here again to-morrow
about the same time."
of liquid falling from a height.
and dropped on the grass by the side of Dahlia. Simpson looked
guiltily at the empty jug, and then leant down to his host.
said Dahlia.
me. He doesn't mean anything."
change the subject.
down to open it."
homey appearance. I did what I could for the bathroom this morning.
I flatter myself that the taint of newness has now been dispelled."
up the walls?"
improve the place, our ideas are at your disposal."
cricket."
eyes.
Archie.
benignly.
Myra.
infatuated victim. "If you like, Archie, I'll--"
invite you to the paddock beyond the kitchen-garden."
Simpson will take his stand therein, while we all bowl at him--or,
if any prefer it, at the wicket--for five minutes. He will then bowl
at us for an hour, after which he will have another hour's smart
fielding practice. If he is still alive and still talks about golf,
why then, I won't say but what he mightn't be allowed to plan out a
little course--or, at any rate, to do a little preliminary weeding."
croquet or oranges and lemons, then he can devote himself to
planning out a little course for that too--or anyhow to removing a
few plantains in preparation for it. In fact, ladies and gentlemen,
all I want is for you to make yourselves as happy and as useful as
you can."
II.--A GALA PERFORMANCE
followed immediately by a large blue-bottle which settled down to
play with me. We adopted the usual formation, the blue-bottle
keeping mostly to the back of the court whilst I waited at the net
for a kill. After two sets I decided to change my tactics. I looked
up at the ceiling and pretended I wasn't playing. The blue-bottle
settled on my nose and walked up my forehead. "Heavens!" I cried,
clasping my hand suddenly to my brow, "I've forgotten my
toothbrush!" This took it completely by surprise, and I removed its
corpse into the candlestick.
appear to be in bed; in reality there is no bed here. Do go away--I
haven't had a wink of sleep yet."
great deliberation, "I have had one visitor already to-day. His
corpse is now in the candlestick. It is an omen, Simpson."
swing."
suppose one of the gardeners put it up for you? You must show me
your box of soldiers and your tricycle horse, too. But run away now,
there's a good boy."
time words wouldn't come to me. Simpson backed nervously to the
door.
pillow and went to sleep.
Myra and I were playing a quiet game of bowls with the croquet
balls. "I've been paying the wages."
only pay mine once a month."
just accepted a tie-pin occasionally. I never know what to say when
I hand a man eighteen-and-six."
half-sovereign, because it may be bad."
much for the azaleas.'"
of the beds."
Where are the others? It's a pity that they should be left out of
this."
high dudgeon--which is the surname of a small fish--because no one
wanted to see his swing."
stables, unchain the truffle-hounds, and show them one of his
reversible cuffs."
it out for Archie, necessitated the carrying of the farm buildings,
which he described as a natural hazard. Unfortunately, his ball had
fallen into a casual pig-sty. It had not yet been decided whether
the ball could be picked out without penalty--the more immediate
need being to find the blessed thing. So Simpson was in the pig-sty,
searching.
behind you."
asked Archie.
on first-rate. This is the third hole, Archie. It will be rather
good, I think; the green is just the other side of the pond. I can
make a very sporting little course."
there, or is it too crowded?"
shall have indiarubber crackling."
weather kept fine, the conditions indeed being all that could be
desired. The sun shone brightly, and there was a slight breeze from
the south which tempered the heat and in no way militated against
the general enjoyment. The performance was divided into two parts.
The first part consisted of Mr Simpson's swing WITHOUT the ball, the
second part being devoted to Mr Simpson's swing WITH the ball.
club-head stiffly on the ground three feet away from him.
carefully a dozen times.
movement, "but isn't it rather short?"
twisting his body and keeping his eye fixed on an imaginary ball
until the back of his neck hid it from sight.
back of his calf with his teeth."
indeed.
ball?"
was apparent at once that the last address had been only his
telegraphic one; this was the genuine affair. After what seemed to
be four or five minutes there was a general feeling that some
apology was necessary. Simpson recognized this himself.
hit the ball. The ball, which seemed to have too much left-hand side
on it, whizzed off and disappeared into the pond. It sank....
riotous morning. Let's all take it easy this afternoon."
III.--UNEXPECTED GUESTS
that an occasional spell of work in the morning doesn't do me any
harm. My announcement at breakfast that this was one of the mornings
was greeted with a surprised enthusiasm which was most flattering.
Archie offered me his own room where he does his thinking; Simpson
offered me a nib; and Dahlia promised me a quiet time till lunch. I
thanked them all and settled down to work.
after that I had inquiries by every post. Blair looked in to know
where Myra was; Archie asked if I'd seen Dahlia anywhere; and when
finally Thomas's head appeared in the doorway I decided that I had
had enough of it.
busy."
and I picked up the dictionary to throw at him. But he was gone
before I could take aim.
decided to give up work and seek refreshment and congenial
conversation. To my surprise I found neither. Every room seemed to
be empty, the tennis lawn was deserted, and Archie's cricket-bag and
Simpson's golf-clubs rested peacefully in the hall. Something was
going on. I went back to my work and decided to have the secret out
at lunch.
it. You've deserted me all morning, but I'm not going to be left
out."
over with an elbow. "Oh, Dahlia, I'm horribly sorry. May I go and
stand in the corner?"
helping me to mop. "Go on, Archie."
called here."
background. I have met clergymen before and I know what to say to
them."
asked you down for the night if we'd known you were so keen on
clergymen. Well, as the result of that unfortunate visit, the school
treat takes place here this afternoon, and lorblessme if I hadn't
forgotten all about it till this morning."
idea, not mine.
front of the house. On the lawn was Myra, surrounded by about eight
babies.
The word with them is bees."
will tell us all a story."
she arranged the children all round her. I sat down near them and
tried to think.
bee."
didn't. The great dearth of adventures that could happen to a bee
was revealed to me in a flash. I saw that I had been hasty.
his friends felt that he was not really a bee at all, but a dear
little rabbit. His fur was too long for a bee."
over-subtle for the infant mind. I determined to straighten it out
finally.
him a bee. Now then I can get on. Where was I?"
for me? You'd better leave out the part where he stings the Shah of
Persia. That's too exciting. Good-bye." And I hurried after Archie.
himself into the dickens of a mess."
one of them the bigger boys had to race to a sack containing their
boots, rescue their own pair, put them on, and race back to the
starting-point. Good! In the other the smaller boys, each armed with
a paper containing a problem in arithmetic, had to run to their
sisters, wait for the problem to be solved, and then run back with
the answer. Excellent! Simpson at his most inventive. Unfortunately,
when the bootless boys arrived at the turning post, they found
nothing but a small problem in arithmetic awaiting them, while on
the adjoining stretch of grass young mathematicians were trying,
with the help of their sisters, to get into two pairs of boots at
once.
in a moment. It's the mothers. They think the whole thing is a
scheme for stealing their children's boots. Can't you start a race
for them?"
an overthrow, but we shall hear about it at dinner. Look here,
there's a game called 'Twos and Threes.' Couldn't you start the
mothers at that? You stand in twos, and whenever anyone stands in
front of the two then the person behind the two runs away."
it naturally.
was over and he was organizing a grand three-legged race.
babies seem so happy with Myra. I suppose she's telling them
stories."
they're happy enough with her."
didn't spill anything. Altogether it has been rather a success."
the field beneath her, and gave a sigh of happiness.
IV.--A WORD IN SEASON
billiard-room for?"
sleep with the key under my pillow."
have come if I had known that."
little play-acting there occasionally. Hence the curtain-rod, the
emergency exit and other devices."
for you, and then you go and lock up the most important room of all,
and sleep with the key under your pillow."
like--just to air the place."
performers. Archie and I were kindly included in her company.
Simpson threatened to follow with something immense and archaic, and
Thomas also had something rather good up his sleeve, but I am not
going to bother you with these. One word will be enough for you.
FIRST SCENE
her evening-frock, and was supported by me in a gentleman's
lounge-coat and boater for Henley wear.
spreading his hands on the table in front of him.
gentleman, take a seat too? What colour did you want the ribbon,
mum?"
"
The same colour as this," I said. "Idiot."
always stimulates the flow of language. My grandfather was just the
same. I'm afraid, mum, we haven't any ribbon as you might say the
SAME colour as this."
head on one side. "Kind of puce-like, I should put it at.
Puce-magenta, as we say in the trade. No; we're right out of puce-
magenta."
more of an ironmonger really. The draper's is just the other side of
the road. You wouldn't like a garden-roller now? I can do you a nice
garden-roller for two pound five, and that's simply giving it away."
bicycle. Two pounds five, mum, and sixpence for the mouse-trap the
gentleman's been sitting on. Say three pounds."
SECOND SCENE
seen it at once."
fellow with the spectacles--"
professional golfer."
others--"
there? No; that one next to the pretty lady--ah, yes, Thomas. Is
that Thomas, the wonderful cueist, by the way? Really! Well, I
should think even Thomas guessed that much."
open.
said Myra. "So there!"
'Ow naow, it's a bird. I declare I quite thought it was 'im. Silly
of me."
of his pocket.
strain is terrific. My first idea was 'codfish,' but I suppose
that's wrong. It's either 'silkworm' or 'wardrobe.' Thomas suggests
'mangel-wurzel.' He says he never saw anybody who had so much the
whole air of a wurzel as Archie. The indefinable elan of the wurzel
was there."
to."
V.--UNINVITED GUESTS
spoon and dropping it into the hot water. "This is going to be a
sanguinary day. With a pretty late cut into the peach jelly Mr A.
Mannering reached double figures. Ten. Battles are being won while
Thomas still sleeps. Any advance on ten?"
they're all mine. I remember them perfectly. What was yours like?"
asked him to go away. And he went on to your marmalade, so I expect
you thought he was yours. But it was really mine, and I don't think
it's very sporting of you to kill another person's wasp."
Bernard--he's sitting on the green-gage."
wished I hadn't."
it goes into your reminiscences."
and I was standing up, so that I rather had the advantage of him at
the start. I waited till he seemed to be asleep and then fired."
ignored me altogether. I moved him. He got up and went away all
right."
was gored to death by an angry rabbit." He slashed in the air with
his napkin. "Fifteen. Dahlia, let's have breakfast indoors
to-morrow. This is very jolly but it's just as hot, and it doesn't
get Thomas up any earlier, as we hoped."
croquet in the morning, but after one shot each we agreed to abandon
it as a draw--slightly in my favour, because I had given her the
chipped mallet. And in the afternoon, Thomas and Simpson made a
great effort to get up enthusiasm for lawn-tennis. Each of them
returned the other's service into the net until the score stood at
eight all, at which point they suddenly realized that nothing but
the violent death of one of the competitors would ever end the
match. They went on to ten all to make sure, and then retired to the
lemonade and wasp jug, Simpson missing a couple of dead bodies by
inches only. And after dinner it was hotter than ever.
thermometer says a hundred and fifty, the barometer says very dry,
we've had twenty-five hours' sunshine, and there's not a drop of
rain recorded in the soap-dish. Are we going to take this lying
down?"
and I will take the tennis lawn."
and we don't want to have him going through hoops all night."
" and you've not got to walk about the garden in the early morning,
at least not until Myra and I are up, and if you're going to fall
over croquet hoops you mustn't make a noise. That's all the rules, I
think."
smoother. Do you prefer the right-hand court, dear, or the
left-hand?"
shall know whether it really is the nightjar, or Simpson gargling."
still closer. I was awakened by the noise of Simpson talking, as I
hoped, in his sleep. However, it appeared that he was awake and
quite conscious of the things he was saying.
to the general opinion about it; "these bally wasps are all over
me."
have wasps all over ME."
been stung in the neck. Tell Thomas."
the sheet.
away--because everybody knows that--get away, you ass--that wasps
aren't dangerous unless--confound you--unless--I say, isn't it time
we got up?"
I said, dodged a wasp, and went back again.
right; he WAS stung, after all. I'll tell him so."
and retired beneath the sheets.
mattresses over its shoulders.
one does not want to disturb the little fellows.
VI.--A FINAL ARRANGEMENT
tournament of some kind, followed by a small distribution of prizes.
What do you think, Dahlia?"
expensive. Victory is its own reward."
said, "so much the better."
going to be? Golf, Simpson?"
days?"
every single brick on the greens."
" That'll take a year or two. But I've marked out white circles and
you have to get inside them."
play prisoners' base with him."
good at all."
all."
"
Thomas," said Thomas and Simpson together.
pencil back in his pocket. "I've just written your names out neatly
on little bits of paper, and now they're all wasted. You'll have to
stick them on yourselves so that the spectators will know who you
are as you whizz past." He handed his bits of paper round and went
in for his clubs.
Myra and I started last.
together again for a long time."
driving. Now I shall have to address the ball all over again."
yards away and dropped. When we got there we found to our disgust
that it was nestling at the very foot. Myra looked at it doubtfully.
pocket-handkerchiefs behind."
a hundred. Unfortunately it landed in a rut. However Myra got it out
with great resource, and I was lucky enough with my next to place it
inside the magic circle.
you did that hole was to go twenty-one yards in the wrong
direction."
played, partner," she said, as he put her club back in its bag.
go now?"
quick enough. While the intrepid spectators were still holding their
breath, there was an ominous crash.
on to find the damage.
floor.
pane. "What shall I do?"
shot."
the ball, and--however, there may be a local rule about it."
telling me EVERYTHING lately."
other end of the barn. "Go straight on."
shot was just above the glass. Myra took a niblick and got the ball
back into the middle of the floor.
really trying to. I should have thought that anyone could have
broken a window. Now then."
the hole in nine.
were seven strokes behind the leaders, Simpson and Thomas. Simpson,
according to Thomas, had been playing like a book. Golf Faults
Analysed--that book, I should think.
turned to a servant and added, "Mr Simpson won't have anything
more."
incident on the fifth tee) brilliantly; and ended up brilliantly. At
the last tee we had played a hundred and thirty-seven. Myra got in a
beautiful drive to within fifty yards of the circle.
hundred and--shall I tell them?--a--a--Oh,
dear--a--hundredandthirtyeight."
forty."
Oval."
quickly, "I don't mind a bit really if we lose. It's only a game.
Besides, we--"
reproachfully. "Dahlia, what ARE the prizes? Because it's just
possible that Myra might like the second one better than the first.
In that case I should miss this."
Myra.
suppose I must find a prize for you."
fifth tee we--we arranged about the prizes."
AT PLAY
ten and eight. If you don't want to hear about that, then I shall
have to pass on to you a few facts about his motor bicycle. You'd
rather have the other? I thought so.
a good golfer, and I am what everybody else calls a bad golfer. In
consequence of this he insults me with offers of bisques.
beat me last time, but then owing to bad management on my part I had
nine bisques left at the moment of defeat simply eating their heads
off.
the "Pink Spot" if there is anything of a wind. I use either a "Quo
Vadis," which is splendid for going out of bounds, or an "Ostrich,"
which has a wonderful way of burying itself in the sand. I followed
him to the green at my leisure.
will only take one at a time if it makes it easier for you. I take
one and that brings me down to six, and then another one and that
brings me down to five, and then another one and that brings me down
to four. There! And as you did the hole in five, I win."
won the first hole; let us be photographed together."
the road. I had kept mine well this side of it and won in four to
five.
tried to climb the hill. I headed it off and gave it a nasty dent
from behind when it wasn't looking, and with my next shot started it
rolling down the mountains with ever-increasing velocity. Not until
it was within a foot of the pin did it condescend to stop. Henry,
who had reached the green with his drive and had taken one putt too
many, halved the hole in four. I took a bisque and was three up.
bisques I had it absolutely stiff. Unnerved by this Henry went all
out at the fifth and tried to carry the stream in two. Unfortunately
(I mean unfortunately for him) the stream was six inches too broad
in the particular place at which he tried to carry it. My own view
is that he should either have chosen another place or else have got
a narrower stream from somewhere. As it was I won in an uneventful
six, and took with a bisque the short hole which followed.
jolly little things, bisques, but you want to use them quickly.
Bisque dat qui cito dat. Doesn't the sea look ripping to-day?"
a two now and took a bisque, you'd have to do it in nothing in order
to win. A solemn thought."
made a bee line for the beach, bounced on a rock, and disappeared
into a cave. Henry's "Pink Spot," which really seemed to have a
chance of winning a hole at last, found the wind too much for it and
followed me below.
a lighted match in one hand and a niblick in the other I went in and
tried to persuade the "Ostrich" to come out. My eighth argument was
too much for it, and we re-appeared in the daylight together.
back on to the beach.
then I got it gradually on to a little mound of sand (very delicate
work this), took a terrific swing and fairly heaved it on to the
grass. Two more strokes put me on to the green in twenty. I lit a
pipe and waited for Henry to finish his game of rackets.
till Monday."
seven holes and I had three bisques with which to win the match. I
was a little doubtful if I could do this, but Henry settled the
question by misjudging yet again the breadth of the stream. What is
experience if it teaches us nothing? Henry must really try to
enlarge his mind about rivers.
" Technically I am on what is known as velvet."
then. In the ordinary way I was pretty certain to halve one of the
nine holes with Henry, and so win the match. Both the eleventh and
the seventeenth, for instance, are favourites of mine. Had I halved
one of those, he would have admitted cheerfully that I had played
good golf and beaten him fairly. But as things happened--
four. I hooked my drive off the tee and down a little gully to the
left, put a good iron shot into a bunker on the right, and than ran
down a hundred-yard putt with a niblick for a three. One of those
difficult down-hill putts.
hand, I could have given him a dozen at the seventh and still have
beaten him.
" Ten and eight."
than that."
PAT BALL
me introduce you to Miss--er--urn."
now.
her to remember me. Probably I had spilt lemonade over her at a
dance, and in some way the incident had fixed itself in her mind. We
do these little things, you know, and think nothing of them at the
moment, but all the time--
appeared, and that my partner was leading the way on to the court.
"
Oh, and what about apologizing?" she went on. "Shall we do it after
every stroke, or at the end of each game, or when we say good-bye,
or never? I get so tired of saying 'sorry.'"
beautifully together."
new racket. One way and another, I expect to play a very powerful
game."
service. The first ball rose very suddenly and took my partner on
the side of the head. ("Sorry," she apologized. "It's all right," I
said magnanimously.) I returned the next into the net; the third
clean bowled my partner; and off the last I was caught in the slips.
(ONE, LOVE.)
Her Christian name was Hope or Charity or something like that; I
know, when I heard it, I thought it was just as well. If I might
call her Miss Hope for this once? Thank you.
I never know till the last moment which side of the racket is going
to hit the ball. On this occasion it was a dead heat--that is to
say, I got it in between with the wood; and the ball sailed away
over beds and beds of the most beautiful flowers.
else."
the bottom of the net. After four Hampstead Smashes and four
Peruvian Teasers (LOVE, TWO) I felt that another explanation was
called for.
is being pressed; it went to the shop yesterday to have the creases
taken out. Don't you find that with a new racket you--er--exactly."
the white lines on several occasions--though not so often as our
opponents (THREE, LOVE); and in the fourth game Miss Hope served
gentle lobs, while I, at her request, stood close up to the net and
defended myself with my racket. I warded off the first two shots
amidst applause (THIRTY, LOVE), and dodged the next three (THIRTY,
FORTY), but the last one was too quick for me and won the coco-nut
with some ease. (GAME. LOVE, FOUR.)
hurt a bit. Now then, let's buck up and play a simply dashing game."
unable to find a length. To be more accurate, I was unable to find a
shortness--my long game was admirably strong and lofty.
She had been very talkative all through.
very moment. Surely you can wait till the end of the set?"
in some way, and that as--"
all."
the middle of a game of tennis; certainly not to comparative
strangers who have only spilt lemonade over your frock once before.
No, no. It was an insult, and it nerved me to a great effort. I
discarded--for it was my serve--the Hampstead Smash; I discarded the
Peruvian Teaser. Instead, I served two Piccadilly Benders from the
right-hand court and two Westminster Welts from the left-hand. The
Piccadilly Bender is my own invention. It can only be served from
the one court, and it must have a wind against it. You deliver it
with your back to the net, which makes the striker think that you
have either forgotten all about the game, or else are apologizing to
the spectators for your previous exhibition. Then with a violent
contortion you slue your body round and serve, whereupon your
opponent perceives that you ARE playing, and that it is just one
more ordinary fault into the wrong court. So she calls "Fault!" in
a
contemptuous tone and drops her racket... and then adds hurriedly,
"
Oh, no, sorry, it wasn't a fault, after all." That being where the
wind comes in.
but goes over the net. One must be in very good form (or have been
recently insulted) to bring this off.
away by enthusiasm and mutual admiration, we collected another.
(FIVE, TWO.) Then it was Miss Hope's serve again.
I'm afraid he'll win another packet of woodbines."
then gave our masculine adversary what is technically called "one to
kill." I saw instinctively that I was the one, and I held my racket
ready with both hands. Our opponent, who had been wanting his tea
for the last two games, was in no mood of dalliance; he fairly let
himself go over this shot. In a moment I was down on my knees behind
the net ... and the next moment I saw through the meshes a very
strange thing. The other man, with his racket on the ground, was
holding his eye with both hands!
your overhead volleying is just a little severe?"
THE OPENING SEASON
page, "I have some news for you. Cricket is upon us once again."
hope it doesn't mean measles."
"
It's beneath us." He cleared his throat and read, "'The coming
season will be rendered ever memorable by the fact that for the
first time in the history of the game--' You'll never guess what's
coming."
last year?"
better one than Plummer's. After all, his average was only 25. Mine,
if the weather had allowed me to finish my solitary innings, would
probably have been 26."
wicket-keeper off the one ball you had."
wasn't really a chance, because our umpire would never have given
the treasurer out first ball. There are certain little courtesies
which are bound to be observed."
play regularly this season will you promise to bring Baby to watch
me?"
father," said Jeremy. He put down the poker and took up a ball of
wool. "I shall probably field somewhere behind the wicket-keeper,
where the hottest drives don't come; but if I should miss a catch
you must point out to her that the sun was in father's eyes. I want
my child to understand the game as soon as possible."
you've finished playing with my wool I've got something to do with
it."
drifted out. He came back in ten minutes with his bat under his arm.
has been in the boot cupboard all the time. We ought to have put
some camphor in with it, or--I know there's SOMETHING you do to bats
in the winter. Anyhow, the splice is still there."
had one ball in its whole life, and that was on the edge. The part
of the bat that I propose to use this season will therefore come
entirely fresh to the business."
rub down. I wonder if there's anything else it would like?"
grounds practice was already in full swing." He made an imaginary
drive. "I don't think I shall take a FULL swing. It's so much harder
to time the ball. I say, do YOU bowl?"
about Baby? Could she bowl to me this afternoon, do you think, or is
her cold too bad?"
want a lot of that; because Little Buxted has a very hot left-hand
bowler called--"
chair.
going to play for Kent?"
that you needn't play if you don't like the Manager, but there's
nothing about sex in it. I'm sure Baby would love the Manager."
my bat out and let it see the grass. After six months of boots it
will be a change for it."
During the meal he read extracts to his wife from "The Coming
Season's Prospects," and spoke cheerfully of the runs he intended to
make for the village. After lunch he took her on to the tennis lawn.
cut and marked with a crease of dazzling white. "Doesn't that look
jolly?"
get quite good practice here with these deep banks all round."
" But, apart from practice, don't you FEEL how jolly and summery a
cricket pitch makes everything?"
of whitening to make you think of summer."
" because I upset the bucket on the way back to the stables--just
underneath the pergola. It ought to bring the roses on like
anything."
AN INLAND VOYAGE
that day the Admiralty had to get along without Thomas. I tremble to
think what would have happened if war had broken out on Monday.
Could a Thomasless Admiralty have coped with it? I trow not. Even as
it was, battleships grounded, crews mutinied, and several awkward
questions in the House of Commons had to be postponed till Tuesday.
weighing on him all day.
about it. He does his best."
the afternoon. Shall we go out now, or shall we give it a chance to
stop?"
comfortable as I could. I gave him a drink, a cigarette, and
Mistakes with the Mashie. On the table at his elbow I had in reserve
Faulty Play with the Brassy and a West Middlesex Directory. For
myself I wandered about restlessly, pausing now and again to read
enviously a notice which said that C. D. Topping's handicap was
reduced from 24 to 22. Lucky man!
hurried out.
the first tee, "but with your naval experience you won't mind that.
By the way, I ought to warn you that this isn't all casual water.
Some of it is river."
green, Thomas in addition having five splashes of mud on his face
while I only had three. Unfortunately the immediate neighbourhood of
the hole was under water. Thomas, the bounder, had a small heavy
ball, which he managed to sink in nine. My own, being lighter,
refused to go into the tin at all, and floated above the hole in the
most exasperating way.
gives me the match. However, until we find that out, I suppose you
must call yourself one up."
off to the tee.
you that you shall not be stinted. The next green is below sea-level
altogether, I'm afraid. The first in the water wins."
lost his ball. The third tee having disappeared, we moved on to the
fourth.
hair."
the mud fifty yards off. "Excuse me," I shouted as I ran quickly
after it, and I got my niblick on to it just as it was disappearing.
It was a very close thing.
a brassy lie."
haven't got a corkscrew, you'd better dig round it with something,
and then when the position is thoroughly undermined--Oh, good
shot!"
unhappy.
Middlesex in it."
suggestions that he should (1) rub the other eye, and (2) blow his
nose suddenly, were received ungenerously.
you'd come and take some mud out for me, instead of talking rot--"
this if we can get it out. What the Secretary would say--There!
How's that?"
as possible. This is my hole by the way. Your ball is lost."
about. It's gone to join the Secretary. Oh, no, we got him out, of
course; I keep forgetting. Anyhow, it's my hole."
down to do so. "Is there a local rule about it?"
members. Naturally a little extra licence is allowed on a very muddy
day. Of course, if--Oh, I see. You meant a local rule about losing
your ball in the mud? No, I don't know of one--unless it comes under
the heading of casual land. Be a sportsman, Thomas, and don't
begrudge me the hole."
further contretemps; save that I accidentally lost the sixth, ninth
and tenth holes, and that Thomas lost his iron at the eighth. He had
carelessly laid it down for a moment while he got out of a hole with
his niblick, and when he turned round for it the thing was gone.
with our coat-collars up and reached the green absolutely wet
through.
let's have lunch."
with him--an ulster and a pair of Vardon cuffs, and sat as near the
fire as possible. It was still raining in torrents after lunch, and
Thomas, who is not what I call keen about golf, preferred to remain
before the fire. Perhaps he was right. I raked up an old copy of
Strumers with the Niblick for him, and read bits of the Telephone
Directory out aloud.
and as it was still raining hard, and he seemed disinclined to come
out again, I ordered a cab for us both.
" that on the one day when I take a holiday, it should be so
beastly."
don't play inland golf much?"
day's golf I've had for three weeks."
under me as I sat down, and during the meal nobody threw bread
about. We talked gently of art and politics and things; and when the
ladies left there was no booby trap waiting for them at the door. In
a word, nothing to prepare me for what was to follow.
worst. The ladies were in a cluster round Miss Power, and Miss Power
was on the floor. She got up quickly as we came in.
do it?"
the floor, and then twisted himself underneath his right arm. I
expected to see him come up inside out, but he looked much the same
after it. However, no doubt his organs are all on the wrong side
now.
the floor, said good-bye to them all, and dived. I got half-way
round, and was supporting myself upside down by one toe and the
slippery end of the poker, when it suddenly occurred to me that the
earth was revolving at an incredible speed on its own axis, and
that, in addition, we were hurtling at thousands of miles a minute
round the sun. It seemed impossible in these circumstances that I
should keep my balance any longer; and as soon as I realized this,
the poker began to slip. I was in no sort of position to do anything
about it, and we came down heavily together.
place a book (Macaulay's Essays or what not) on the jam-pot and sit
on the book, one heel only touching the ground. In the right hand
you have a box of matches, in the left a candle. The jam-pot, of
course, is on its side, so that it can roll beneath you. Then you
light the candle ... and hand it to anybody who wants to go to bed.
bowing and saying, "Not at all," I found myself on one of the
jam-pots with Bob next to me on another. To balance with the arms
outstretched was not so difficult; but as the matches were then
about six feet from the candle and there seemed no way of getting
them nearer together the solution of the problem was as remote as
ever. Three times I brought my hands together, and three times the
jam-pot left me.
'Gooseberry-1911,' a rotten vintage. And look at my book, Alone on
the Prairie; and you've got The Mormon's Wedding. No wonder I
couldn't do it."
fairly; and after Bob and Miss Power had had a race at it, which Bob
won, we got on to something else.
Miss Power.
thoughtfully.
Anyhow, unless you've got a whole lot of pins you don't want, don't
ask me to do it to-night."
Miss Power went full length on the floor with a glass of water
balanced on her fore-head and came up again without spilling a
single drop. Personally, I shouldn't have minded spilling a single
drop; it was the thought of spilling the whole glass that kept me
back. Anyway, it is a useless trick, the need for which never arises
in an ordinary career. Picking up The Times with the teeth, while
clasping the left ankle with the right hand, is another matter. That
might come in useful on occasions; as, for instance, if having lost
your left arm on the field and having to staunch with the right hand
the flow of blood from a bullet wound in the opposite ankle, you
desired to glance through the Financial Supplement while waiting for
the ambulance.
myself in this way for the German invasion.
over them--a foot on the floor on each side of them, if that conveys
it to you. Then he jumped up, turned round in the air, and came down
facing the other way.
over to my hostess.
impossible."
there in deep thought. Then I bent my knees preparatory to the
spring, straightened them up, and said:
suddenly and said:
to this. I'm not afraid but I want to know the possibilities. If
it's only a broken leg or two, I don't mind. If it's permanent
disfigurement I think I ought to consult my family first."
hope of doing it, but you all seem to want to see an accident, and,
anyhow, I'm not going to be called a coward. One, two, three..."
cushion against my shins.
miss."
ball. Besides, who but Simpson would go to a fancy-dress dance as a
short-sighted executioner, and wear his spectacles outside his
mask? But it was a surprise to me to see him there at all.
to write home about this."
aren't you in costume?"
clothes of an architect are similar to my own. Excuse me, sir, but
do you want a house built?"
cloak-room."
executioner who wears spectacles. And yet, of course, if one CAN'T
see the head properly without glasses--"
one could see of her face looked pretty; it seemed to have upset
Simpson altogether.
London up. At a masked ball one is allowed a certain amount of
licence."
a little Continental ABANDON at these dances." (PORTRAIT OF SIMPSON
SHOWING CONTINENTAL abandon.) "And so I did ask her for a dance
just now."
more debonair and dashing this time. What you want is to endue her
with the spirit of revelry. Perhaps you'd better go to the bar first
and have a dry ginger-ale, and then you'll feel more in the
Continental mood."
standing in a corner alone; some outsider had cut her dance. As I
looked at her I thought of Simpson letting himself go, and smiled to
myself. She caught the edge of the smile and unconsciously smiled
back. Remembering the good advice which I had just given another, I
decided to risk it.
Shall we just finish off this dance? And don't let's talk shop about
architecture."
somebody else."
Simpson."
in fact, the only spectacled beheader present. You can't miss him."
now fortifying himself with a small dry ginger, and he will then ask
you again. Do be kind this time; he's really a delightful person
when you get to know him. For instance, both his whiskers are
false."
like his outward appearance. However, if both whiskers are false,
and if he's really a friend of yours--"
like this he considers it his duty to throw a little Continental
ABANDON into his manner."
began to smile.
myself later on, but I am afraid I should try to get out of you what
he said, and that wouldn't be fair."
approaches, and I must needs fly, lest he should pierce my disguise.
Good-bye, and thank you so much."
Columbine when they met. But Simpson and I had a cigarette together
afterwards and certain things came out; enough to make it plain that
she must have enjoyed herself.
thanks--er--whereabouts is Finsbury Circus?"
at the Polytechnic instead."
the City somewhere? I wonder," he murmured to himself, "what she
would be doing in the City at eleven o'clock in the morning."
wish you'd tell me what you're talking about."
one cannot tell even one's best friend. You know how it is."
quieter spot than Finsbury Circus. The motor-buses distract one's
aim."
across his face, to be followed suddenly by a look of alarm.
warningly.
He frowned and put on his mask again.
suppose I could always get a yellow one?"
that you can be recognized, and go to Finsbury Circus to meet
somebody at eleven o'clock to-morrow morning. Samuel, I'm ashamed of
you. Er--where do you lunch?"
to be arranged before I knew where I was."
it was quite out of date, and that only the suburbs wore fashions a
year old, but she insisted on it. I had no idea she was that sort of
girl. Well, I'm in for it now." He sighed heavily and went off for
another ginger-ale.
no Columbine in a harem skirt will be there. Simpson in his
loneliness will be delighted to see me, and then we can throw away
his button-hole and have a nice little lunch together.
TWO STORIES
gleaming and glistening as it caught the rays of the cold December
sun; an embroidery of white fringed the trees; and under a canopy of
white the proud palaces of Savoy and Cecil reared their silent
heads. The mighty river in front was motionless, for the finger of
Death had laid its icy hand upon it. Above--the hard blue sky
stretching to eternity; below--the white purity of innocence. London
in the grip of winter!
was it not?
a bell rang out, sending a joyous paean to the heavens. Another took
up the word, and then another, and another. Westminster caught the
message from Bartholomew the son of Thunder, and flung it to Giles
Without, who gave it gently to Andrew by the Wardrobe. Suddenly the
air was filled with bells, all chanting together of peace and
happiness, mirth and jollity--a frenzy of bells.
castle, heard and smiled as he thought of his little ones....
and turned again to sleep, with love for all mankind in his
heart....
prospect of his Christmas dinner....
lips, listened to the splendid irony of it.
That was all local colour. I want to make it quite clear that it was
Christmas. EDITOR. Yes, yes, quite so. This is certainly a Christmas
story. I think I shall like Robert, do you know?]
same cynical smile on his lips, he pulled his shivering rags about
him, and half unconsciously felt at the growth of beard about his
chin. Nobody would recognize him now. His friends (as he had thought
them) would pass by without a glance for the poor outcast near them.
The women that he had known would draw their skirts away from him in
horror. Even Lady Alice--
ago, when they had parted for ever. As he had entered the hall he
had half wondered to himself if there could be anybody in the world
that day happier than himself. Tall, well-connected, a
vice-president of the Tariff Reform League, and engaged to the
sweetest girl in England, he had been the envy of all. Little did he
think that that very night he was to receive his conge! What
mattered it now how or why they had quarrelled? A few hasty words, a
bitter taunt, tears, and then the end.
presents I have promised you!"
Bereft of her love, Robert had sunk steadily. Gambling, drink,
morphia, billiards and cigars--he had taken to them all; until now
in the wretched figure of the outcast on the Embankment you would
never have recognized the once spruce figure of Handsome Hardrow.
Twenty-four hours ago he had been--AUTHOR. You forget that this is
SHORT story.]
grow, his clothes were in rags, a scar over one eye testified--
the bad in twenty-four hours, but would his beard grow as--AUTHOR.
Look here, you've heard of a man going grey with trouble in a single
night, haven't you?
two eyes in the ordinary way?]
before, thought the policeman, as he passed upon his beat, had such
a pitiful figure cowered upon the Embankment, and prayed for the
night to cover him.
so.
to be outside a certain house some twenty miles from town at eight
o'clock that evening.
was wafted on the wings of memory to other and happier Yuletides.
That Christmas when he had received his first bicycle....
it will give the reader time for a sandwich.]
to the robin?
you all the best Christmas stories begin like this nowadays. We may
get to a robin later; I cannot say.
And a wassail-bowl, and a turkey, and a Christmas-tree, and a--
then perhaps it will be all right.
cold wind cut through him like a knife. For a moment he stood
motionless, gazing over the stone parapet into the dark river
beyond, and as he gazed a thought came into his mind. Why not end it
all--here and now? He had nothing to live for. One swift plunge,
and--
OVER! He turned away with a curse....
unconsciously he must have crossed one of the numerous bridges which
span the river and join North London to South. Once on the other
side, he seems to have set his face steadily before him, and to have
dragged his weary limbs on and on, regardless of time and place. He
walked like one in a dream, his mind drugged by the dull narcotic of
physical pain. Suddenly he realized that he had left London behind
him, and was in the more open spaces of the country. The houses were
more scattered; the recurring villa of the clerk had given place to
the isolated mansion of the stock broker. Each residence stood in
its own splendid grounds, surrounded by fine old forest trees and
approached by a long carriage sweep. Electric--
retired gentleman. Never mind that.]
entered into his soul. How different was this man's position from
his own! What right had this man--a perfect stranger--to be happy
and contented in the heart of his family, while he, Robert, stood, a
homeless wanderer, alone in the cold?
what he was doing until he was brought up by the gay lights of the
windows. Still without thinking, he stooped down and peered into the
brilliantly lit room above him. Within all was jollity; beautiful
women moved to and fro, and the happy laughter of children came to
him. "Elsie," he heard someone call, and a childish treble re
sponded.
sad. The fact is that, two days before, Elsie had forgotten to feed
the robin, and in consequence it had died before this story opens.
artist to do some pictures, AND _I_ REMEMBER _I_ PARTICULARLY
ORDERED A ROBIN AND A WASSAIL. WHAT ABOUT THE WASSAIL?
o'clock. The house-party was retiring to bed. He heard the
"
Good-nights" wafted through the open window; the lights went out,
to reappear upstairs. Presently they too went out, and Robert was
alone with the darkened house.
billiards, drink and cigars. He flung a leg over the sill and drew
himself gently into the room. At least he would have one good meal,
he too would have his Christmas dinner before the end came. He
switched the light on and turned eagerly to the table. His eyes
ravenously scanned the contents. Turkey, mince-pies, plum-pudding--
all was there as in the days of his youth.
THE MISTLETOE AND HOLLY? I RATHER THINK I ASKED FOR SOME OF THEM.
"
HOLLY AND MISTLETOE HUNG IN FESTOONS UPON THE WALL?"]
seized a knife and fork. Soon a plate liberally heaped with good
things was before him. Greedily he set to work, with the appetite of
a man who had not tasted food for several hours....
figure in the doorway.
his beard grow. Almost mechanically he decided to wear the mask--in
short, to dissemble.
like me to bring you."
OF THE ROBIN. BUT WHAT WAS ELSIE DOING DOWNSTAIRS?
WITHOUT HER.
pleasant warmth was stealing over Hardrow. He found to his surprise
that airy banter still came easy to him.
meeting?"
this morning, do you remember?"
something to give her now. The remains of the turkey, a pair of
finger-bowls, his old hat--all these came hastily into his mind, and
were dismissed. He had nothing of value on him. All had been pawned
long ago.
contained Alice's photograph. The one memento of her that he had
kept, even when the pangs of starvation were upon him. He brought it
from its resting-place next his heart.
Why, who is this?"
LISP SOMETIMES?
INTENDED TO PRODUCE. LISPING IS BROUGHT ABOUT BY PLACING THE TONGUE
UPON THE HARD SURFACE OF THE PALATE, AND IN CASES WHERE THE SUBJECT
IS UNDULY EXCITED OR INFLUENCED BY EMOTION THE LISP BECOMES MORE
PRONOUNCED. IN THIS CASE--
this poor child, but you cannot deceive me. You are NOT Father
Christmas."
her.
house! Alice, send me away! Put me in prison! Do what you will to
me! I can never hold up my head again."
that it was MY fault!"
you knew into what paths of wickedness I have sunk! How only this
evening, unnerved by excess, I have deliberately broken into this
house--your uncle Joseph's house--in order to obtain food. Already I
have eaten more than half a turkey and the best part of a
plum-pudding. If you knew, I--"
is beginning, Robert!"
of hope to all weary travellers on life's highway. It was New Year's
Day!
WOULD BE BOXING DAY. AUTHOR. _I_'M SORRY, BUT IT MUST END LIKE THAT.
_I_ MUST HAVE MY BELLS. YOU CAN EXPLAIN SOMEHOW.
IS. SOME OF YOUR STORY DOESN'T FIT THE PICTURES AT ALL, AND IT IS
TOO LATE NOW TO GET NEW ONES DONE.
MUST MANAGE SOMEHOW, _I_ SUPPOSE. GOOD-BYE. ROTTEN WEATHER FOR
AUGUST, ISN'T IT?]
A MATTER-OF-FACT FAIRY TALE
were lazy, good-for-nothing young men, but the third son, whose
name was Charming, was a delightful youth, who was loved by
everybody (outside his family) who knew him. Whenever he rode
through the town the people used to stop whatever work they were
engaged upon and wave their caps and cry "Hurrah for Prince
Charming!"--and even after he had passed they would continue to stop
work, in case he might be coming back the same way, when they would
wave their caps and cry "Hurrah for Prince Charming!"
again. It was wonderful how fond of him they were.
eldest son; which was funny of him, because he must have known that
only the third and youngest son is ever any good in a family.
Indeed, the King himself had been a third son, so he had really no
excuse for ignorance on the point. I am afraid the truth was that he
was jealous of Charming, because the latter was so popular outside
his family.
who had been governess to Charming when he was young. When the Queen
lay dying the Countess had promised her that she would look after
her youngest boy for her, and Charming had often confided in Caramel
since. One morning, when his family had been particularly rude to
him at breakfast, Charming said to her:
seek my fortune."
ring. Wear it always on your little finger, and whenever you want
help turn it round once and help will come."
it round once just to make sure that it worked. Immediately the
oddest little dwarf appeared in front of him.
thinking for a moment he said, "Go away!"
with a light heart.
shade he lay down to rest. He was awakened by the sound of weeping.
Rising hastily to his feet he peered through the trees, and there,
fifty yards away from him, by the side of a stream sat the most
beautiful damsel he had ever seen, wringing her hands and sobbing
bitterly. Prince Charming, grieving at the sight of beauty in such
distress, coughed and came nearer,
" you are in trouble. How can I help you?"
are here, you can help me if you will. I have a--a brother--"
fallen log beside her, and looked at her entranced.
Charming, a little at a loss, fidgeted nervously with his ring, and
began to speak again.
manage this quite well by myself."
lose his grip of things, again disappeared.
while this was going on, turned to him again.
clearing in the middle of the wood. Then she made him sit down
beside her on the grass, and there she told him her tale.
great castle ten miles from here. He is a terrible magician, and
years ago because I would not marry him he turned my--my brother
into a--I don't know how to tell you--into a--a tortoise." She put
her hands to her face and sobbed again.
but feeling that he ought to say SOMETHING.
to be."
turned YOU into a tortoise--Of course," he went on hurriedly, "I'm
very glad he didn't."
by making me one," she explained, and looked at him anxiously.
and he looked at her in some surprise.
to speak. "Why do giants do things? _I_ don't know."
me how I can help you."
again." She sighed and added, "He used to be SO punctual."
off him is for someone to kill the Giant. But if once the
enchantment has stayed on for seven years, then it stays on for
ever."
and, having explained the situation rapidly, made the necessary
introduction.
only one near here, and Blunderbus is sure to be at home. I need not
tell you how grateful I shall be if you kill him. Though I must
say," he added, "it puzzles me to think how you are going to do it."
ring.
said the Tortoise. "But before you start I should like to talk to
you privately for a moment." He took Charming on one side and
whispered, "I say, do YOU know anything about tortoises?"
ridiculous suggestions. Steak and kidney puddings--and shrimp
sandwiches--and buttered toast. Dear me! The nights we had after
the shrimp sandwiches! And the fool swore he had kept tortoises all
his life!"
would have known best."
" When Blunderbus put this enchantment on me, do you suppose he got a
blackboard and a piece of chalk and gave me a lecture on the diet
and habits of the common tortoise, before showing me out of the
front gate? No, he simply turned me into the form of a tortoise and
left my mind and soul as it was before. I've got the anatomy of a
tortoise, I've got the very delicate inside of a tortoise, but I
don't THINK like one, stupid. Else I shouldn't mind being one."
and added confidentially, "We're trying rum omelettes just now.
Somehow I don't think tortoises REALLY like them. However, we shall
see. I suppose you've never heard anything definite against them?"
you will be a man again." And he patted him encouragingly on the
shell and returned to take an affectionate farewell of the Princess.
and the dwarf appeared before him.
word. He was just beginning to get into the swing of it.
thought for a moment. "I want," he said at last, "a sword. One
that
will kill giants."
examined it.
is death."
hastily.
the eyes of his enemies."
Thank you. That is all to-day."
stepped into the magic boots; then he seized the sword and the cloak
and darted off on his lady's behest. He had barely gone a hundred
paces before a sudden idea came to him, and he pulled himself up
short.
are seven-league boots--so that I have come about two thousand
miles. I shall have to go back." He took some hasty steps back, and
found himself in the wood from which he had started.
just--just practising something. The fact is," he added
confidentially, "I've got a pair of new boots on, and--" He saw the
look of cold surprise in her face and went on quickly, "I swear,
Princess, that I will not return to you again without his head."
himself soaring over it; turned eleven miles off and stepped back a
pace; overshot it again, and arrived at the very feet of the
Princess.
feel for it. "I'll just go and--" He stepped off in confusion.
think it out. It was but two hours to sundown. Without his magic
boots he would get to the castle too late. Of course, what he really
wanted to do was to erect an isosceles triangle on a base of eleven
miles, having two sides of twenty-one miles each. But this was
before Euclid's time.
south-west, he found himself close enough. A short but painful walk,
with his boots in his hand, brought him to his destination. He had a
moment's natural hesitation about making a first call at the castle
in his stockinged feet, but consoled himself with the thought that
in life-and-death matters one cannot bother about little points of
etiquette, and that, anyhow, the giant would not be able to see him.
Then, donning the magic cloak, and with the magic sword in his hand,
he entered the castle gates. For an instant his heart seemed to stop
beating, but the thought of the Princess gave him new courage....
between his knees. At Charming's entry he turned round, gave a start
of surprise, bent forward eagerly a moment, and then leant back
chuckling. Like most overgrown men he was naturally kind-hearted and
had a simple humour, but he could be stubborn when he liked. The
original affair of the tortoise seems to have shown him both at his
best and at his worst.
baby is not asleep."
without anything on your feet and not be a LITTLE noticeable. Even
in a crowd I should have picked you out."
me that beneath this cloak I was invisible to the eyes of my
enemies!"
immensely. There's something about you--directly you came in ... I
think it must be love at first sight."
BENEATH that cloak, only--you'll excuse my pointing it out--there
are such funny bits of you that aren't beneath the cloak. You've no
idea how odd you look; just a head and two legs, and a couple of
arms.... Waists," he murmured to himself, "are not being worn this
year."
threw aside his useless cloak, dashed forward, and with a beautiful
lunge pricked his enemy in the ankle.
Beauty's brother delivered!"
his sides and fell back shaking in his chair.
rolled on the floor in a paroxysm of mirth. "Her brother! Oh,
you--You'll kill me! Her b-b-b-b-brother! Her b-b-b-b--her b-b-b
--her b-b--"
on his finger.
the streets on my cream palfrey, amidst the cheers of the
populace.... At once."
brother, gazed into each other's eyes; and Beauty's last illusion
went.
as you--I mean if we--if you thought we were in love with each
other, then, of course, you were ready to help me. And so--"
before."
tortoises go I was really quite a youngster. Besides, anyhow one
never notices baldness in a tortoise."
you've gone off a good deal in looks in the last day or two."
popular than ever (outside his family) as he rode through the
streets of the city. But Blunderbus lay dead in his castle. You and
I know that he was killed by the magic sword; yet somehow a strange
legend grew up around his death. And ever afterwards in that
country, when one man told his neighbour a more than ordinarily
humorous anecdote, the latter would cry, in between the gusts of
merriment, "Don't! You'll make me die of laughter!" And then he
would pull himself together, and add with a sigh--"Like Blunderbus."
AN ODD LOT
in at the study window.
be out in a minute and give you some orders, but I'm very busy just
now."
front garden."
indeed a day. Crocuses! And in the front gar--on the south lawn! Let
us go and gaze at them."
little mauve chap.
this ever happened to you before?"
in from the top? They were actually born on the estate?"
terrace, I suppose you mean. And what have we in the Dutch
Ornamental Garden?"
I ought to have my salary raised," said James, still harping on his
one grievance.
delighted."
here's the season for crocuses, as anyone can see if they use their
eyes."
close-cropped green of the deer park, the sky was blue above the
rose garden, in the tapioca grove a thrush was singing. I walked up
and down my estate and drank in the good fresh air.
shillings a week."
shillings an hour."
Scilly Islands there are fields and fields and fields of nodding
daffodils out now."
for a moment, and came back to me.
began, "is the soil. It's no soil for daffodils. Now what daffodils
like is clay."
them anything they fancy."
crocuses like a bit of alloovial. That's where you have it."
of the staff is so busily employed that it is hardly ever visible.
William, for instance, is occupied entirely with what I might call
the poultry; it is his duty, in fact, to see that there are always
enough ants' eggs for the goldfish. All these prize Leghorns you
hear about are the merest novices compared with William's protegees.
Then John looks after the staggery; Henry works the coloured
fountain; and Peter paints the peacocks' tails. This keeps them all
busy, but James is for ever hanging about.
listened to the rooks.
first? I believe you did."
crocuses, I say--and you don't want anything more."
year, let them, James. Don't be inhospitable."
primroses now before April."
earlier? I don't believe you know any of the tricks of your
profession, James. You never seem to graft anything or prune
anything, and I'm sure you don't know how to cut a slip. James, why
don't you prune more? Prune now--I should like to watch you. Where's
your pruning-hook? You can't possibly do it with a rake."
sometimes working with it. The beds are always beautifully kept.
Only the most hardy annual would dare to poke its head up and spoil
the smooth appearance of the soil. For those who like circles and
rectangles of unrelieved brown, James is undoubtedly the man.
like to point out that I never said I was going to play croquet. I
said that we, meaning you, would cut the lawn."
gratitude, man? Don't you want to do something to help? How can we
let a day like this go past without some word of welcome? Out with
the mower, and let us hail the passing of winter."
crocuses in the front all a-singing together like anything on three
bob a week!"
THE ORDEAL BY FIRE
Our Flame-flower, the Family Flame-flower, is now plainly
established in the north-east corner of the pergola, and flourishes
exceedingly. There, or thereabouts, it will remain through the
generations to come--a cascade of glory to the eye, a fountain of
pride to the soul. "Our fathers' fathers," the unborn will say of
us, "performed this thing; they toiled and suffered that we might
front the world with confidence--a family secure in the knowledge
that it has been tried by fire and not found wanting...."
did not understand. One day they led me to an old apple tree and
showed me, fenced in at its foot, two twigs and a hint of leaf. "The
flame-flower!" they said, with awe in their voices. I was very
young; I said that I didn't think much of it. It was from that
moment that my education began....
Visitors were conducted to the apple tree in solemn procession, and
presented. They peered over the fence and said, "A-ah!" just as if
they knew all about it. Perhaps some of them did. Perhaps some of
them had tried to grow it in their own gardens.
flame-flower should winter abroad became insistent. After much
thought it was moved to the shrubbery on the southern side of the
house, where it leant against a laburnum until April. With the
spring it returned home, seemingly stronger for the change; but the
thought of winter was too much for it, and in October it was ordered
south again.
and testing various diets. Though it was touch and go with it all
this time our faith was strong, our courage unshaken. June, 1908,
found it in the gravel-pit. It seemed our only hope....
. . . . . .
game of tennis.
Besides, we must just plant our flame-flower first."
looks so pretty growing up anything."
you."
stammered." Th-that's not the way to talk about a flame-flower."
a--a BUTTERCUP! You can't do it like that."
indignant. "I--I suppose Sir Christopher Wren s-said to his wife at
breakfast one morning, 'I've just got to design St Paul's Cathedral,
dear, and then I'll come and play tennis with you. If you can give
me any hints--'"
it in Scotland."
added, "WE have one."
of water?" These and other technical points were put to me at once.
protesting against is the whole spirit in which you approach the
business--the light-hearted way in which you assume that you can
support a flame-flower. You have to be a very superior family indeed
to have a flame-flower growing in your garden."
" Come along and help us."
and we gathered round an old tree trunk in front of the house.
think?"
put a flame-flower in a place where you think it will look pretty;
you try in all humility to find a favoured spot where it will be
pleased to grow. There may be such a spot in your garden or there
may not. Until I know you better I cannot say. But it is extremely
unlikely to be here, right in front of the window."
in horror; I could not watch. And at the last moment some qualms of
doubt seized even them. They spoke to me almost humbly.
should be performed, but I should endeavour to think of something in
keeping with the solemnity of the occasion. It may be that Mrs
Atherley and I would take the flower and march in procession round
the fountain, singing a suitable chant, while Bob and Archie with
shaven heads prostrated themselves before the sundial. Miss Atherley
might possibly dance the Fire-dance upon the east lawn, while Mr
Atherley stood upon one foot in the middle of the herbaceous border
and played upon her with the garden hose. These or other symbolic
rites we should perform, before we planted it in a place chosen by
Chance. Then leaving a saucer of new milk for it lest it should
thirst in the night we would go away, and spend the rest of the week
in meditation."
the sort of spirit that you want to show."
when I have almost lost faith, and not even the glories of our own
flame-flower could cheer me. But at last the news came. I was at
home for the week-end and, after rather a tiring day showing
visitors the north-east end of the pergola, I went indoors for a
rest. On the table there was a letter for me. It was from Mrs
Atherley.
understood fully what a great thing it was they were
attempting--even then I think they would have failed.
extremely jolly ... yet--I doubt, you know, if they are QUITE the
family to have a flame-flower growing in their garden.
English book.) So I bought a little red volume called, tersely
enough, WERE YOU BORN IN JANUARY? I was; and, reassured on this
point, the author told me all about myself.
effect, "good-tempered, courageous, ambitious, loyal, quick to
resent wrong, an excellent raconteur, and a leader of men." True.
"
Generous to a fault"--(Yes, I was overdoing that rather)--"you have
a ready sympathy with the distressed. People born in this month will
always keep their promises." And so on. There was no doubt that the
author had the idea all right. Even when he went on to warn me of my
weaknesses he maintained the correct note. "People born in January,"
he said, "must be on their guard against working too strenuously.
Their extraordinarily active brains--" Well, you see what he means.
It IS a fault perhaps, and I shall be more careful in future. Mind,
I do not take offence with him for calling my attention to it. In
fact, my only objection to the book is its surface application to
ALL the people who were born in January. There should have been more
distinction made between me and the rabble.
however, he did open my eyes. He introduced me to an aspect of
myself entirely unsuspected.
destined to be leaders in great commerical enterprises."
realized how wasted my life had been; in an instant I resolved that
here and now I would put my great gifts to their proper uses. I
would be a leader in an immense commercial enterprise.
thing was to determine the exact nature of my balance at the bank.
This was a matter for the bank to arrange, and I drove there
rapidly.
I have my pass-book?"
many psychological moments for commercial enterprise must have
lapsed, he returned.
white-hot flashes of thought, such as only occur to the natural
business genius, seared my mind and sent me post-haste to the bank
again.
What is it?"
impatiently. Opportunities were slipping by. At last he pushed a
slip of paper across at me. My balance!
pence. Still, there was a matter of fifty pounds odd as well, and
fortunes have been built up on less.
commercial enterprise in the bulk, as a finished monument of
industry; the little niggling preliminary details had not come up
for consideration. Just for a second I wondered how to begin.
needs, when waked, a second or so to turn round in. At the end of
that time I had made up my mind. I knew exactly what I would do. I
would ring up my solicitor.
How are you? Good. Look here, come and lunch with me. What? No, at
once. Good-bye."
had now decided to lend my genius, can only be discussed properly
over a cigar. During the meal itself my solicitor and I indulged in
the ordinary small-talk of the pleasure-loving world.
warning me that I may be overdoing it rather. They tell me that I
must be seriously on my guard against brain strain."
my solicitor. Though he is now a solicitor he was once just an
ordinary boy like the rest of us, and it was in those days that he
acquired the habit of being rude to me, a habit he has never quite
forgotten.
the reptile house, but I have just learnt that it is my lucky month
stone. Naturally I want to get one."
money lying idle at the bank? Because if so--"
was at the bank to-day, and there were men chivying it about with
shovels all the time."
for nothing with them."
moment, but somehow I was not quite ready to seize it. My vast
commercial enterprise still lacked a few trifling details.
" Er--I--well, it's like that."
lend it to me for a bit. I'm confoundedly hard up."
DISTRESSED." Dash it, what could I do?)
asked. "I thought it was always solicitors who had to lend it to
clients. If I must, I'd rather lend it to you--I mean, I'd dislike
it less--as to the old friend of my childhood."
ALWAYS KEEP THEIR PROMISES." The money has got to go to-night. If I
hadn't been born in January I shouldn't be sending it; I certainly
shouldn't have promised it; I shouldn't even have known that I had
it. Sometimes I almost wish that I had been born in one of the
decent months. March, say.
A SUMMER COLD
advice. Anyhow I get the advice.
as possible, "I think I have hay-fever."
you want to know, I've had a cold all the summer."
a man who hasn't had a cold all the summer. My performance is
considered to be most life-like."
time.
without people knowing."
you are rather out of the way of the busy world. Rumours of war,
depressions on the Stock Exchange, my hay-fever--these things pass
you by. But the clubs are full of it. I assure you that, all over
the country, England's stately homes have been plunged into mourning
by the news of my sufferings, historic piles have bowed their heads
and wept."
you've told them that you had it, and they've been foolish enough to
believe you."
polished silver and choice napery, and wine of a rare old vintage is
circulating from hand to hand--"
given you a bread poultice and sent you to bed."
idea what hay-fever is? I suppose you think I ought to be running
about wildly, trying to eat hay--or yapping and showing an
unaccountable aversion from dried grass? I take it that there are
grades of hay-fever, as there are of everything else. I have it at
present in a mild form. Instead of being thankful that it is no
worse, you--"
it comes on every summer. You've never even pretended to have it
before this year."
Just because there are a few infant prodigies about, don't despise
me. In a year or two I shall be as regular as the rest of them." And
I sneezed again.
moment I thought she was angry and had gone for a policeman, but as
the minutes went by and she didn't return I began to fear that she
might have left the house for good. I was wondering how I should
break the news to her husband when, to my relief, she came in again.
unpinning her hat. "Try this. The chemist says it's the best
hay-fever cure there is."
suppose German hay is the same as any other sort of hay? Oh, here it
is in English. I say, this is a what-d'-you-call-it cure."
Ah, yes." I coughed slightly and looked at Beatrice out of the
corner of my eye. "I suppose," I said carelessly, "if anybody
took
this who HADN'T got hay-fever, the results might be rather--I mean
that he might then find that he-in fact, er--HAD got it."
this thing." I went on reading the instructions. "You know, it's
rather odd about my hay-fever--it's generally worse in town than in
the country."
swing of it yet."
invented this. We don't see eye to eye in this matter. Beatrice, you
may be right--perhaps I haven't got hay-fever."
about my being worse in town than in the country. That looks rather
as if--By Jove, I know what it is--I've got just the opposite of
hay-fever."
if he's got anything homoeopathic made from paving-stones. Because,
you know, that's what I really want."
in Park Lane with her mother and her two sisters and a crowd of
servants. Cinderella, for that was her name, would have dearly loved
to have employed herself about the house sometimes; but whenever she
did anything useful, like arranging the flowers or giving the pug a
bath, her mother used to say, "Cinderella! What DO you think I
engage servants for? Please don't make yourself so common."
and their mother had almost given up hope about them, but she used
to drag Cinderella to balls and dances night after night, taking
care that only the right sort of person was introduced to her. There
were many nights when Cinderella would have preferred a book at home
in front of the fire, for she soon found that her partners' ideas of
waltzing were as catholic as their conversation was limited. It was,
indeed, this fondness for the inglenook that had earned her the name
of Cinderella.
mother came in suddenly and cried:
going to the Hogbins' to-night."
you to look your best to-night, because I hear that young Mr Hogbin
is back again from Australia." Young Mr Hogbin was not the King's
son; he was the son of a wealthy gelatine manufacturer.
herself, "I wish I were as old as my two sisters, and could do what
I liked. I'm sure if my godmother were here she would get me off
going." But, alas! her godmother lived at Leamington, and
Cinderella, after a week at Leamington, had left her there only
yesterday.
her mother, who held a review of her in the drawing-room, was not
quite satisfied.
slippers!"
remember I told you at the time they were much too small for me?"
lovely appearance caused several of the guests to look at her, they
did not ask each other eagerly who she was, for most of them knew
her already as Miss Partington-Smith. A brewer's son led her off to
dance.
Cinderella's toes, trotted in circles round her, ran her violently
backwards into some other man, or swooped with her into the
fireplace. Cinderella, whose feet seemed mechanically to adapt
themselves to the interpretation of the Boston that was forming in
her partner's brain, bore it from each one as long as she could; and
then led the way to a quiet corner, where she confessed frankly that
she had NOT bought all her Christmas presents yet, and that she WAS
going to Switzerland for the winter.
noticed that Cinderella looked much happier as soon as they had sat
down, and indeed throughout the meal she was in the highest spirits.
For some reason or other she seemed to find even Mr Hogbin
endurable. But just as they were about to return to the ball-room an
expression of absolute dismay came over her face.
it up slowly, and followed him out.
the end of their first dance, and had told her all about Australia
during supper; while she apparently had no desire for conversation
of any kind, being wrapped up in her thoughts.
wish you'd send her to me."
extraordinary has happened."
carriage, mother."
gave a deep sigh of happiness.
said her mother archly. "Am I right?"
do. Look!" She stretched out her foot-clothed only in a pale blue
stocking.
trodden on by every man in the place, and I simply HAD to kick them
off at supper, and--and I only got one back. I don't know what
happened to the other; I suppose it got pushed along somewhere, but,
anyhow, _I_ wasn't going under the table after it." She laughed
suddenly and softly to herself. "I wonder what they'll do when they
find the slipper?" she said.
it round to all the ladies in Mayfair, taking knightly oath to marry
her whom it fitted. But what actually happened was that a footman
found it, and, being very sentimental and knowing that nobody would
ever dare to claim it, carried it about with him ever
afterwards--thereby gaining a great reputation with his cronies as a
nut.
She did her best.
from her letters. "Why didn't you tell me your godmother was ill?"
anything much. Is she bad? I AM sorry."
YOU'RE infectious. Really, it's very inconvenient. Well, I'm glad we
didn't know yesterday or you couldn't have gone to the dance."
too late, but how sweet of her to think of it at all!"
A LITERARY LIGHT
Bupps, as they were called. A sudden death in the family left him
destitute at the early age of thirty, and he decided to take
seriously to journalism for a living. That was twelve years ago. He
is now a member of the Authors' Club; a popular after-dinner speaker
in reply to the toast of Literature; and one of the best-paid
writers in Fleet Street. Who's Who tells the world that he has a
flat at Knightsbridge and a cottage on the river. If you ask him to
what he owes his success he will assure you, with the conscious
modesty of all great men, that he has been lucky; pressed further,
that Hard Work and Method have been his watchwords. But to the young
aspirant he adds that of course if you have it in you it is bound to
come out.
I
necessary for him to specialize in some subject. Of such subjects
two occurred to him--"George Herbert" and "Trams." For
a time he
hesitated, and it was only the sudden publication of a brief but
authoritative life of the poet which led him finally to the study of
one of the least explored of our transit systems. Meanwhile he had
to support himself. For this purpose he bought a roll-top desk, a
typewriter, and an almanac; he placed the almanac on top of the
desk, seated himself at the typewriter, and began.
week to Shrove Tuesday. In four days he had written as many
articles, entitled respectively Shrovetide Customs, The Pancake,
Lenten Observances, and Tuesdays Known to Fame. The Pancake, giving
as it did the context of every reference in literature to pancakes,
was the most scholarly of the four; the Tuesday article, which
hazarded the opinion that Rome may at least have been begun on a
Tuesday, the most daring. But all of them were published.
article; it led him also to construct a revised calendar for his own
use. In the "Bupp Almanac" the events of the day were put back a
fortnight; so that, if the Feast of St Simon and St Jude fell upon
the 17th, Annesley's attention was called to it upon the 3rd, and
upon the 3rd he surveyed the Famous Partnerships of the epoch.
Similarly, The Origin of Lord Mayor's Day was put in hand on October
26th.
their meed of copy. In the days of his dependence Annesley had
travelled, so that he could well provide the local colour for such
sketches as Kimberley as I Knew It (1901) and Birmingham by
Moonlight (1903). His Recollections of St Peter's at Rome were hazy,
yet sufficient to furnish an article with that title at the time of
the Coronation. But I must confess that Dashes for the Pole came
entirely from his invaluable Encyclopaedia....
II
his first article on trams was written. This was called Voltage, was
highly technical, and convinced every editor to whom it was sent
(and by whom it was returned) that the author knew his subject
thoroughly. So when he followed it up with How to be a Tram
Conductor, he had the satisfaction not only of seeing it in print
within a week, but of reading an editorial reference to himself as
"
the noted expert on our overhead system." Two other articles in the
same paper--Some Curious Tram Accidents and Tram or Bus: Which?--
established his position.
for a subject. In the first place there were certain articles, such
as Tramways in 1904, Progress of Tramway Construction in the Past
Year, Tramway Inventions of the Last Twelvemonth, and The Tram: Its
Future in 1905, which flowed annually from his pen. From time to
time there would arise the occasion for the topical article on
trams--Trams as Army Transports and How our Trams fared during the
Recent Snow, to give two obvious examples. And always there was a
market for such staple articles as Trams in Fiction....
III
a reputation; to be exact, he had two reputations. In Fleet Street
he was known as a writer upon whom a sub-editor could depend; a
furnisher of what got to be called "buppy"--matter which is paid
at
a slightly higher rate than ordinary copy, because the length and
quality of it never vary. Outside Fleet Street he was regarded
simply as a literary light; Annesley Bupp, the fellow whose name you
saw in every paper; an accepted author.
public opinion forced Annesley into (sic) n wer fields of
literature. It demanded from him, among other things, a weekly
review of current fiction entitled Fireside Friends. He wrote this
with extraordinary fluency; a few words of introduction, followed by
a large fragment of the book before him, pasted beneath the line,
"
Take this, for instance." An opinion of any kind he rarely
ventured; an adverse opinion, like a good friend, never.
day for an evening paper. The first of them always began: "Mr
Asquith's admission in the House of Commons yesterday that he had
never done so and so is not without parallel. In 1746 the elder Pitt
..." The second always began: "Mention of the elder Pitt recalls
the
fact that ..." The third always began: "It may not be generally
known ..."
definite political views.
IV
days he still writes occasionally, but he no longer signs it in
full. A modest "A. B." in the corner, supposed by the ignorant to
stand for "Arthur Balfour," is the only evidence of the author. (I
say "the only evidence," for he has had, like all great men, his
countless imitators.) Trams also he deserted with the publication of
his great work on the subject--Tramiana. But as a writer on
Literature and Old London he has a European reputation, and his
recent book, In the Track of Shakespeare: A Record of a Visit to
Stratford-on-Avon, created no little stir.
to the toast of Literature is eagerly attended.
of the Bupps, is to be published posthumously.
THERE IS NO NEED TO DESCRIBE THE FURNITURE IN IT, AS REHEARSALS WILL
GRADUALLY SHOW WHAT IS WANTED. A PICTURE OR TWO OF PREVIOUS Sir
Thomas's MIGHT BE SEEN ON THE WALLS, IF YOU HAVE AN ARTISTIC FRIEND
WHO COULD ARRANGE THIS; BUT IT IS A MISTAKE TO HANG UP YOUR OWN
ANCESTORS AS SOME OF YOUR GUESTS MAY RECOGNIZE THEM, AND THUS PIERCE
BENEATH THE VRAISEMBLANCE OF THE SCENE.
READING A LETTER AND OCCASIONALLY SIGHING.
must frown.
give me but one smile, sweet mistress. (SHE SIGHS HEAVILY.) You
sigh! Is't for me?
SITUATION THE BETTER). I sigh for another, my lord, who is absent.
out of the way of his sword as much as possible.) Would that I might
pink the pesky knave!
the chance, my lord, so it were in fair fighting. Methinks Roger's
sword-arm will not have lost its cunning in the wars.
letter and kisses it.)
that?
will have it! [He struggles with her and seizes it.
harbour a rebel within your walls. Master Roger Dale, traitor,
corresponds secretly with your daughter. [Who, I forgot to say, has
swooned.
know it well. (He reads the letter, which is full of thoughtful
metaphors about love, aloud to the audience. Suddenly his eyebrows
go up and down to express surprise. He seizes Lord Carey by the
arm.) Ha! Listen! "To-morrow, when the sun is upon the western
window of the gallery, I will be with thee." The villain!
gallery and did mark the sun.
you to arrest this traitor.
shoulders expressively and goes out with Lord Carey to collect
sufficient force for the arrest.
puts her hand to her brow as if she is remembering something
horrible.
teach him manners.
chair.)
love you! Think no more of this traitor, for he will surely hang.
'Tis your father's wish that you and I should wed.
so often played as children? 'Twas in that same cellar the
thick-skulled knaves immured me.
enemies?
man, not like a puling girl. Yet, sweetheart--
sink me! What murrain is this?
behind on the table, as I ought to have said before, and advancing
threateningly). It means, my lord, that a villain's time has come.
Wilt say a prayer?
at this, and decides to turn over an entirely new leaf.
it is for you to say what shall be done with the prisoner.
she was standing up). Ah, give him to me, my lord!
sweet mistress, to see that the prisoner does not escape again.
causing a scandal in the neighbourhood, and the curtain goes down.
" A SLIGHT MISUNDERSTANDING"
smoke--or a smoking-room in which the women are allowed to draw--it
doesn't much matter) in the house of somebody or other in the
country. George Turnbull and his old College friend, Henry Peterson,
are confiding in each other, as old friends will, over their
whiskies and cigars. It is about three o'clock in the afternoon.
remember that evening at Christ Church College, Oxford, five years
ago, when we opened our hearts to each other...
evening on the Backs, George, when I had failed in my Matriculation
examination?
other should be the first to hear of it? (Rising solemnly.) Henry,
the moment has come. (With shining eyes.) I am in love.
old George! (In a voice broken with emotion.) Bless you, George!
twice, gives him a final grip of the hand, and returns to his chair.
(Hoarsely.) You're a good fellow.
emotion). Who is the lucky little lady?
kissing it passionately). Isobel Barley!
here, with the idea of suggesting to the audience that he (1) knows
something about the lady's past, or (2) is in love with her himself.
He is, however, thinking of a different play. We shall come to that
one in a moment.
her, and she may be another's. (Fiercely.) Heavens, Henry, if she
should be another's!
you got to say for yourselves?
idea--is it really--poor old Joe--waiting--
Barley, now that we are alone, I have something I want to say to
you.
engaged--
emotion). Engaged! She is engaged! I am too late!
this best alone. (Exit Isobel.) Merciful heavens, she is plighted to
another!
remembered to put the French chalk in the palms of his hands).
Henry, I am too late! She is another's!
Good-bye, Henry. Be kind to her.
Grizzly ones. It may be that thus I shall forget my grief.
tell--her?
his pockets) happen to me--if (going over them again quickly) I do
not come back, then (searching them all, including the waistcoat
ones, in desperate haste), give her--give her--give her
(triumphantly bringing his handkerchief out of the last pocket)
this, and say that my last thought was of her. Good-bye, my old
friend. Good-bye.
further explanation is needed.) Grizzly ones.
message for me? (Henry shakes his head.) Nothing? (Henry bows
silently and leaves the room.) Oh! (She gives a cry and throws
herself on the sofa.) And I loved him! George, George, why didn't
you speak?
expedition in the Rocky Mountains, and carries a rifle under his
arm.
pocket-handkerchief. I must have dropped it in here somewhere. (He
begins to search for it, and in the ordinary course of things comes
upon Isobel on the sofa. He puts his rifle down carefully on a
table, with the muzzle pointing at the prompter rather than at the
audience, and staggers back.) Merciful heavens! Isobel! Dead! (He
falls on his knees beside the sofa.) My love, speak to me!
another's, honour compelled me--
which nearly wrecked two lives). But I only meant I was engaged to
play tennis with Lady Carbrook!
can assent.) Then, Isobel, you WILL be mine?
you, dear? Not even grizzly ones?
(turning to the audience with the air of one who is making his best
point) A Slight Misunderstanding.
" MISS PRENDERGAST"
of Honeysuckle Lodge engaged in work of a feminine nature. Miss
Alice Prendergast is doing something delicate with a crochet-hook,
but it is obvious that her thoughts are far away. She sighs at
intervals, and occasionally lays down her work and presses both
hands to her heart. A sympathetic audience will have no difficulty
in guessing that she is in love. On the other hand, her elder
sister, Miss Prendergast, is completely wrapped up in a sock for one
of the poorer classes, over which she frowns formidably. The sock,
however, has no real bearing upon the plot, and she must not make
too much of it.
last night, Jane?
up.) Very pleasant indeed, Alice. The Blizzards were there, and the
Podbys, and the Slumphs. (These people are not important and should
not be over-emphasized.) Mrs Podby's maid has given notice.
most agreeably about Art during dinner, and we renewed the
conversation in the drawing-room. We found that we agreed upon all
the main principles of Art, considered as such.
tender memory). When I was in Shropshire last week--What was your
man's name?
it is to catch names when one is introduced. I am certain he never
heard mine. (As the plot depends partly upon this, she pauses for it
to sink in.) But I inquired about him afterwards, and I find that he
is a Mr--
line.) A letter! I wonder who it is from! (Reading the envelope.)
"
Miss Prendergast, Honeysuckle Lodge." (She opens it with the air of
one who has often received letters before, but feels that this one
may play an important part in her life.) "Dear Miss Prendergast, I
hope you will pardon the presumption of what I am about to write to
you, but whether you pardon me or not, I ask you to listen to me. I
know of no woman for whose talents I have a greater admiration, or
for whose qualities I have a more sincere affection than yourself.
Since I have known you, you have been the lodestar of my existence,
the fountain of my inspiration. I feel that, were your life joined
to mine, the joint path upon which we trod would be the path to
happiness, such as I have as yet hardly dared to dream of. In short,
dear Miss Prendergast, I ask you to marry me, and I will come in
person for my answer. Yours truly--" (In a voice of intense
surprise) "Jas. Bootle!"
dyes her from neck to brow. If she is not an actress of sufficient
calibre to ensure this, she must do the best she can by starting
abruptly and putting her hand to her throat.
you say?
Bootle! Fancy!
and a bell is heard to ring.) It is Mr Bootle! I know his ring, I
mean I know--Dear, I think I will go and lie down. I have a
headache.
with her handkerchief to her mouth, taking care not to fall over the
furniture.
yes--How do you do? Did you get back safely last night?
opened my letter!
down on the ground) the answer is "Yes."
(Coldly.) But I hardly see--
sister! Then you are Miss Prendergast? And my letter--Ah!
finished her business, comes in unobserved and watches from the
back.) It is all a mistake! I didn't know your Christian name--I
didn't know you had a sister. The letter I addressed to Miss
Prendergast I meant for Miss Alice Prendergast.
two lives are ruined!
to his promise! (Picking up a photograph of Alice as a small child
from an occasional table.) Little Alice! And I promised to take care
of her--to protect her from the cruel world Baby Alice! (She puts
her handkerchief to her eyes.) No! I will not spoil two lives!
(Aloud.) Why "Good-bye," Alice?
they can think of something else to do--break away in surprise.
his letter to you that he was coming for his answer, and I see what
answer you have given him. (To Bootle.) You remember I told you it
would be "Yes." I know my little sister, you see.
men to kiss their sisters-in-law? (She offers her cheek. Bootle,
whose day it is, salutes her respectfully.) And now (gaily) perhaps
I had better leave you young people alone!
that she has been wearing the mask.
enough for one evening.) And to think that she knew all the time!
Now I am quite, quite happy. And James--you WILL remember in
future that I am Miss ALICE Prendergast?
are The Future Mrs Bootle!
" AT DEAD OF NIGHT"
from outside, puts his knee on the sill, and falls carefully into
the drawing-room of Beeste Hall. He is dressed in a knickerbocker
suit with arrows on it (such as can always be borrowed from a
friend), and, to judge from the noises which he emits, is not in the
best of training. The lights go on suddenly; and, he should seize
this moment to stagger to the door and turn on the switch. This
done, he sinks into the nearest chair and closes his eyes.
peaceful sleep; in which case the play ends here. Otherwise, no
sooner are his eyes closed than he opens them with a sudden start
and looks round in terror.
innocent! (He gives a gasp of relief as he realizes the situation.)
Free! It is true, then! I have escaped! I dreamed that I was back in
prison again! (He shudders and helps himself to a large
whisky-and-soda, which he swallows at a gulp.) That's better! Now I
feel a new man--the man I was three years ago. Three years! It has
been a lifetime! (Pathetically to the audience.) Where is Millicent
now?
noise outside. He starts, and then creeps rapidly to the switch,
arriving there at the moment when the lights go out. Thence he goes
swiftly behind the window curtain. The lights go up again as Jasper
Beeste comes in with a revolver in one hand and a bull's-eye lantern
of apparently enormous candle-power in the other.
I slipped on some old things hurriedly and came down. (Fingering his
perfectly-tied tie.) But there seems to be nobody here. (Turns
round suddenly to the window.) Ha, who's there? Hands up, blow
you--(He ought to swear rather badly here, really)--hands up, or I
fire!
a struggle, and the lights go on to reveal Jasper by the door
covering Dick with his revolver.
man, what have you got to say for yourself? Ha! An escaped convict,
eh?
the machinations of a false friend). Yes, Jasper Beeste, I know your
name. For two years I have said it to myself every night, when I
prayed Heaven that I should meet you again.
lived a lifetime of misery. You may well fail to recognize me.
shoulders, if the county will stand it.
noise--I--(suddenly seeing the other) Dick! (She trembles.)
sense.) What is an escaped convict to the beautiful Miss Wilsdon?
admit--I wrote and released you from your engagement. You are
married now?
to marry me to-morrow.
to her feet.) Millicent, look me in the eyes! Do you love him? (She
turns away.) Say "Yes," and I will go back quietly to my prison.
(She raises her eyes to his.) Ha! I thought so! You don't love him!
Now then I can speak.
Millicent, ring the bell.
stand over there and listen to me. (He arranges his audience,
Millicent on a sofa on the right, Jasper, biting his finger-nails,
on the left.) Three years ago Lady Wilsdon's diamond necklace was
stolen. My flat was searched and the necklace was found in my
hatbox. Although I protested my innocence, I was tried, found
guilty, and sentenced to ten years' penal servitude, followed by
fifteen years' police supervision.
know it. (She falls back again.)
black despair gnawed at my heart. And then something happened. The
prisoner in the cell next to mine tried to communicate with me by
means of taps. We soon arranged a system and held conversations
together. One day he told me of a robbery in which he and another
man had been engaged--the robbery of a diamond necklace.
man hid in the hatbox of another man in order that he might woo the
other man's fiancee! (Millicent shrieks.)
gentleman again. It seems that he has some old scores to pay off.
whistle. A Stranger in knickerbockers jumps in and advances with a
crab-like movement.) Good! here you are. Allow me to present you to
Mr Jasper Beeste.
word, guv'nor, and I'll kill him. (He prowls round Jasper
thoughtfully.)
say?
prison. Only keep that man off me.
" I, Jasper Beeste, of Beeste Hall, do hereby declare that I stole
Lady Wilsdon's diamond necklace and hid it in the hatbox of Richard
Trayle; and I further declare that the said Richard Trayle is
innocent of any complicity in the affair." (Advancing with the paper
and a fountain pen.) Sign, please.
the second Warder. Millicent picks up the confession and advances
dramatically.
on Jasper.) You come along with me, my man. We've had our suspicions
of you for some time. (To Millicent, with a nod at Dick.) You'll
look after that gentleman, miss?
" THE LOST HEIRESS"
dialects, Loamshire. The inn is easily indicated by a round table
bearing two mugs of liquid, while a fallen log emphasizes the rural
nature of the scene. Gaffer Jarge and Gaffer Willyum are seated at
the table, surrounded by a fringe of whisker, Jarge being slightly
more of a gaffer than Willyum.
ordered to sustain himself with soup--as he puts down the steaming
mug). Eh, bor, but this be rare beer. So it be.
You be right, Gaffer Jarge. Her be main rare beer. (He feels up his
sleeve, but thinking better of it wipes his mouth with the back of
his hand.) Main rare beer, zo her be. (Gagging.) Zure-lie.
parts--him wot cum hum yesterday from furren lands? Gaffer Henry wor
a-telling me.
thee didst. And Gaffer Henry, he didst tell 'un too. But tell 'un
again. It du me good to hear 'un, zo it du. Zure-lie.
writing chaps tell about. It wor like this. (Dropping into English,
in his hurry to get his long speech over before he forgets it.) The
old Squire had a daughter who disappeared when she was three weeks
old, eighteen years ago. It was always thought she was stolen by
somebody, and the Squire would have it that she was still alive.
When he died a year ago he left the estate and all his money to a
distant cousin in Australia, with the condition that if he did not
discover the missing baby within twelve months everything was to go
to the hospitals. (Remembering his smock and whiskers with a start.)
And here du be the last day, zo it be, and t' Squoire's daughter,
her ain't found.
trifle jealous of Willyum's gag, pulls out a similar pipe, but
smokes it with the bowl upside down to show his independence.) T'
Squire's darter (Jarge frowns), her bain't (Jarge wishes he had
thought of "bain't")--her bain't found. (There is a dramatic pause,
only broken by the prompter.) Her ud be little Rachel's age now,
bor?
Her bain't like one of us.
lady by birth, bor.
one would go to a fancy-dress ball as a village maiden.
finger at him), didn't you promise me you'd go straight home? It
would serve you right if I never tied your tie for you again. (She
smiles brightly at him.)
'uns in order. (He bursts into a falsetto chuckle, loses the note,
blushes and buries his head in his mug.)
[Exeunt, limping heavily.
in this village! I have known it all my life. How strange it is that
I have never had a father or mother. Sometimes I seem to remember a
life different to this--a life in fine houses and spacious parks,
among beautifully dressed people (which is surprising, seeing that
she was only three weeks old at the time; but the audience must be
given a hint of the plot), and then it all fades away again. (She
looks fixedly into space.)
man come into stranger inheritance? A wanderer in Central Australia,
I hear unexpectedly of my cousin's death through an advertisement in
an old copy of a Sunday newspaper. I hasten home--too late to soothe
his dying hours; too late indeed to enjoy my good fortune for more
than one short day. To-morrow I must give up all to the hospitals,
unless by some stroke of Fate this missing girl turns up.
(Impatiently.) Pshaw! She is dead. (Suddenly he notices Rachel.) By
heaven, a pretty girl in this out-of-the-way village! (He walks
round her.) Gad, she is lovely! Hugh, my boy, you are in luck. (He
takes off his hat.) Good-evening, my dear!
wench. (Aloud.) Do you live here, my girl?
Down, fluttering heart.
village lad who is privileged to woo such beauty?
really comfortable.) What is your name?
you be my wife?
beggar. No, not a beggar, if I have your love, Rachel.
puts it on his finger. Fitzhugh looks at it and staggers back.
Child, child, who are you? How came you by the crest of the
Fitzhughs?
they found that ring on me, and I have kept it ever since!
daughter!
some time ago, have been putting in a lot of heavy byplay until
wanted.
a-kissin' our Rachel!
loikeness atween t' maid and t' Squire?
nose!
Fitzhugh, daughter of the late Squire!
since her last speech). Your Rachel always!
" WILLIAM SMITH, EDITOR"
of the room are completely hidden from floor to ceiling by
magnificently-bound books: the third wall at the back is hidden by
boxes of immensely expensive cigars. The windows, of course, are in
the fourth wall, which, however, need not be described, as it is
never quite practicable on the stage. The floor of this apartment is
chastely covered with rugs shot by the Editor in his travels, or in
the Tottenham Court Road; or, in some cases, presented by admiring
readers from abroad. The furniture is both elegant and commodious.
coat and an expensive cigar. There is a blue pencil behind his ear,
and a sheaf of what we call in the profession "typewritten
manuscripts" under his arm. He sits down at his desk and pulls the
telephone towards him.
me. Just come up a moment. (Puts down telephone and begins to open
his letters.)
and is covered with ink. He salutes respectfully as he comes into
the room.
million and eight last week.
except when there are ladies present? Why can't you do what you're
told?
writing our anonymous "Secrets of the Boudoir" series which has made
such a sensation.
anonymously, and I thought they were more likely to be accepted if I
said I had written them. (With great emotion.) Forgive me, chief,
but it was for the paper's sake. (In matter-of-fact tones.) There
were one or two peculiarities of style I had to alter. She had a way
of--
paper's sake?
this--
your father say, if--
your workhouse. To think that there should be a thief in this
office!
have carefully kept all the cheques in an old stocking, and--
forward--
boy, forgive me. You have been hasty, perhaps, but zealous. In any
case, your honesty is above suspicion. Leave me now. I have much to
think of. (Rests his head on his hands. Then, dreamily.) YOU have
never seen your father; for thirty years _I_ have not seen my wife.
... Ah, Arabella!
left me. ... I have never seen her again.
clear out, Jones. I'll explain to her about the money.
the Editor; then staggers and drops on to the sofa.
despair," I mean, darling.
lonely without you, dear. ... And now, what shall we do? Shall we
get married again quietly?
everything. You see, there will be such a lot to explain otherwise.
I do a little reviewing for other papers.
trousseau?
got something! You have eight thousand pounds! We owe you that for
your articles. (With a return to his professional manner.) Did I
tell you how greatly we all appreciated them? (Goes to telephone.)
Is that you, Jones? Just come here a moment. (To Arabella.) Jones is
my sub-editor; he is keeping your money for you.
to get that money--(sees Arabella)--oh, I beg your pardon.
sub-editor, dear--Mr Jones. (Arabella puts her hand to her heart and
seems about to faint.) Why, what's the matter?
the luggage I had when I first entered the Leamington workhouse.
father! William--our boy!
that was one of MY stockings?
dimly remind me--
appear in our paper. Please remember that.
A CHAPTER OF ACCIDENTS
to buy tobacco. He came back to the farmhouse with no tobacco and
the news that he had met some friends in the town who had invited us
to dinner and Bridge the next evening.
said.
needn't dress. Put on that nice blue flannel suit of yours--"
and stay the night at an hotel; it will save us walking back in the
dark. We don't want to lose you over the cliff."
collecting invitations, you had only remembered--Shall we cut it up
or smoke half each?"
hour each."
bag. If you take it for an hour and a half, I don't mind taking the
other half."
difference."
business, John. I don't wish to be anything but polite, but for a
silly ass commend me to the owner of that brown thing."
invitation to a garden-party from the haberdasher. And that would
mean another eight miles with a portmanteau."
light. Now, who'll take the first hour?"
way. Tails. Just my luck."
will be cooler later on. I shall put you in."
that condition anyhow--that the man with the bag should lead the
way. I wasn't going to have John dashing off at six miles an hour,
and leaving himself only two miles at the end.
of it. "I only meant that I was going to set the pace."
man," he explained to some children who were blackberrying. "He is
just carrying my bag over the cliffs for me. No, he is not very
strong."
silence, "I think the bag-carrying profession is overrated. What
made you take it up, my lad? The drink? Ah, just so. Dear, dear,
what a lesson to all of us."
hands for the eighth time.
and blue DO go together. If you wouldn't mind--"
back of my knee.
brown against the blue of the flannel. Thank you very much."
that in three-quarters of an hour I would get some of my own back
again. He little knew how heavy that bag could become.
your hands you can jump these little eminences much more easily. I
suppose one hand alone doesn't do. What a pity he didn't tell me
before--I would have lent him another bag with pleasure."
would hesitate to come out here on a hot afternoon and fill a great
brown bag with blackberries, and then carry them eight miles home.
Besides, it looks rather greedy.... I beg your pardon, my lad, I
didn't understand. You are taking them home to your aged mother? Of
course, of course. Very commendable. If I had a penny, I would lend
it to you. No, I only have a sixpence on me, and I have to give that
to the little fellow who is carrying my bag over the cliffs for
me.... Yes, I picked him up about a couple of miles back. He has mud
all up his trousers, I know."
shoulder on fire.
to-day is getting. Too much lawn-tennis, I suppose. How much better
the simply healthy exercises of our forefathers; the weightlifting
after lunch, the--"
more.
spoilt it altogether. We can easily borrow some slippers, and it
will be jolly walking back by moonlight. Now, if you had had your
way--"
we brought a bag. What a splendid idea of yours! By the way, you
haven't said much lately. A little tired by the walk?"
thing another yard."
or two away. Then it rolled another yard, slipped over the edge, and
started bouncing down the cliff. Finally it leapt away from the
earth altogether, and dropped two hundred feet into the sea.
hang if I've lost my pyjamas and my best shoes and my only razor.
And I've been through an hour's torture for nothing, and I don't
mind that. But oh!--to think that you aren't going to have YOUR
hour--"
laughter.
A CROWN OF SORROWS
am ever to face the world again with a smile I must share my trouble
with others. I cannot bear my burden alone.
mistake, and forgot to leave his own in its place, kindly return my
hat to me at once?
ones with a dent down the middle to collect the rain; one of those
soft hats which wrap themselves so lovingly round the cranium that
they ultimately absorb the personality of the wearer underneath,
responding to his every emotion. When people said nice things about
me my hat would swell in sympathy; when they said nasty things, or
when I had had my hair cut, it would adapt itself automatically to
my lesser requirements. In a word, it fitted--and that is more than
can be said for your hard unyielding bowler.
placed it under the seat, put a coat on it to keep it warm, and
settled down to enjoy myself. My hat could see nothing, but it knew
that it would hear all about the entertainment on the way home. When
the last moving picture had moved away, my hat and I prepared to
depart together. I drew out the coat and felt around for my--Where
on earth ...
got two hats?"
third time.
attendant. She walked up and down the row looking for it, and, in
case somebody had kicked it into the row above, walked up and down
that one too; and, in case somebody had found touch with it on the
other side of the house, many other girls spread themselves in
pursuit; and soon we had the whole pack hunting for it.
even worse than that--my hat had been stolen.
mystery if I hadn't brought it with me.
idea.
the door I said to the hall porter, "Have you seen anybody going out
with two hats by mistake?"
bit."
looking under the seats for HIM?"
repeated confidently. "I'll come up with you and look for it."
bitterly, "somebody WILL be. I want the manager."
him. He was very pleasant about it.
charming smile. "Just take this gentleman up," he added to the hall
porter, "and find his hat for him. It has probably been kicked under
one of the other seats."
circle again. The seats by this time were laid out in white
draperies; the house looked very desolate; I knew that my poor hat
was dead. With an air of cheery confidence the hall porter turned
into the first row of seats....
slow down. "It may have jumped into one of the boxes. It may have
turned into a rabbit. You know, I expect you aren't looking for it
properly."
said, "Oh, I'm sorry." Just like that--"Oh, I'm sorry."
himself in the glass.
blessed theatre.
it was in colour; but it wasn't the colour that drew your eyes to
it--no, nor yet the shape, nor the angle at which it sat. It was
just the essential rightness of it. If you have ever seen a hat
which you felt instinctively was a clever hat, an alive hat, a
profound hat, then that was my hat--and that was myself underneath
it.
NAPOLEON AT WORK
Napoleon have done?" The answer generally comes at once: "He would
have borrowed from Henry," or "He would have said his aunt was
ill"--the one obviously right and proper thing. Then I weigh in and
do it.
up. "Baby and I want to get home."
four more."
big place."
'Byres'? You're sure you can't drink Byres or rub yourself down with
Byres?"
rug?--Where's the umbrella?--Open the window, stupid!"
PORTER!!--PORTER!!!--Oh, guard, what station's this?"
silence began to get oppressive.
you don't think about Baby. We don't know a bit where we are--"
Byres place."
consolingly. "He told us it was a through carriage."
done?"
your clothes out of your bag, would have put the baby in it
diagonally, and have bored holes in the top for ventilation. That's
as good as going to bed--you avoid the worst of the evening mists.
And people would only think you kept caterpillars."
idea. If you look out of the window you observe that we are on a
SINGLE line."
home in it."
we've stopped going forward. So, you see, there's no object in
getting out of this train until it has finished for the day.
Probably it will go back itself before long, out of sheer boredom.
And it's much better waiting here than on a draughty Byres
platform."
meet the train, and as we aren't there it will go away without the
trunk, and all baby's things are in it."
both thinking like anything." He picked up his paper again.
anxious and excited as Beatrice; that wouldn't help matters at all.
On the other hand, the entire indifference of John and the baby was
equally out of place. It seemed to me that there was a middle and
Napoleonic path in between these two extremes which only I was
following. To be convinced that one is the only person doing the
right thing is always annoying.
a map over John's head, if he'd only had the sense to look there
before. There we are," and I pointed with my stick; "there's Byres.
The line goes round and round and eventually goes through Dearmer.
We get out at Dearmer, and we're only three miles from Brookfield."
shape of a loop."
after studying the map, "but it's five miles home from Dearmer; and
what about my trunk?"
at Dearmer Station.'"
telegram.
little presence of mind; that's all."
porter-station-master-signalman.
the situation. We said that, highly as we thought of Dearmer, we had
not wantonly tried to defraud the Company in order to get a sight of
the place; and that, so far from owing him three shillings apiece,
we were prepared to take a sovereign to say nothing more about
it.... And still the wagonette didn't come.
train's off the line, or that you've won the first prize at the
Flower Show in the vegetable class, how would you do it?"
shill--"
village."
plan.
a bicycle. The landlady of the 'Lion' will be delighted to look
after Beatrice and the baby, and will give her tea; John will stay
here with the bags in case the wagonette turns up, and I will ride
to Brookfield and summon help."
the 'Lion' and have tea, and Beatrice and the child--"
at the inn, mounted the bicycle, and rode off. It was a windy day,
and I had a long coat and a bowler hat. After an extremely
unpleasant two miles something drove past me. I lifted up my head
and looked round. It was the wagonette.
station, I hurried straight on to the "Lion" to prepare Beatrice.
I
knocked, and peered into rooms, and knocked again, and at last the
landlady came.
past, and she asked him to give her a lift home in his trap. She was
going to tell the other gentleman, and he'd wait for you."
children, and went up to the station. The porter came out to meet
me. He seemed surprised.
didn't come with the wagonette."
good waiting for you, as you'd ride straight 'ome when you found at
Brookfield that the wagonette 'ad come."
was warm and sunny, I was bringing my golf clubs down with me, and I
had just discovered (and meant to put into practice) an entirely new
stance which made it impossible to miss the object ball. It was this
that I was explaining to Charles and his wife at dinner on Friday,
when the interruption occurred.
cigar for you. Don't smoke that thing."
Charles. I can be very firm about other people's extravagances.
get them absurdly cheap out there. Let's see, dear; where did I put
it?"
up to leave us. He followed her out and went in search of it, while
I waited with an interest which I made no effort to conceal. I had
never heard before of a man going all the way to Portugal to buy one
cigar for a friend.
me an ash-tray, the matches and a--and a--well, as I say, a cigar. I
examined it slowly. Half of it looked very tired.
"
I suppose you don't mean--" I stopped and tried to bite the end
off.
without my pipe, and so I bought that thing; I never smoke them in
the ordinary way."
happened to it.
knowing that you liked cigars, I thought I'd bring it home for you."
travelled. Well, we must do what we can with it."
other end--the brown-paper end, which had come ungummed--I intended
to reserve for the match. When everything was ready I applied a
light, leant back in my chair, and pulled.
if I told you what I paid for it."
dearer in Portugal." I put it down by my plate for a moment's rest.
" All I've got against it at present is that its pores don't act as
freely as they should."
There's no doubt it was a good cigar once, but it hasn't wintered
well."
against the table and pulled.
poor. Is your end alight still?"
we were to make a knitting-needle red-hot, and bore a tunnel from
this end? We might establish a draught that way. Only there's always
the danger, of course, of coming out at the side."
wants is massage."
he said. "It's a beautiful night. Bring your cigar with you."
we mustn't lose sight of the fact that the Portuguese climate is
different from ours. The thing's pores may have acted more readily
in the South. On the other hand, the unfastened end may have been
more adhesive. I gather that though you have never actually met
anybody who has smoked a cigar like this, yet you understand that
the experiment is a practicable one. As far as you know, this had no
brothers. No, no, Charles, I'm going on with it, but I should like
to know all that you can tell me of its parentage. It had a
Portuguese father and an American mother, I should say, and there
has been a good deal of trouble in the family. One moment"--and as
we went outside I stopped and cracked it in the door.
found that I had established a connection with the lighted end. Not
a long and steady connection, but one that came in gusts. After two
gusts I decided that it was perhaps safer to blow from my end, and
for a little while we had in this way as much smoke around us as the
most fastidious cigar-smoker could want. Then I accidentally dropped
it; something in the middle of it shifted, I suppose--and for the
rest of my stay behind it only one end was at work.
was giving the cigar a short breather, "it's not a bad one, is it?"
mastery over a thing that defies me.
A COLD WORLD
and being in time for trains, and things like that. But I fancy I
have taught him a lesson at last. He won't talk quite so much about
tickets in future.
looked at me in horror.
late. Here, get up, and I'll pack for you while you dress."
mustn't forget that."
you pack--that will be nice for you. Once upon a time I lost my
return ticket, and I had to pay two pounds for another. And a month
afterwards I met a man--a man like you who knows all about
tickets--and he said, 'You could have got the money back if you had
applied at once.' So I said, 'Give me a cigarette now, and I'll
transfer all my rights in the business to you.' And he gave me a
cigarette; but unfortunately--"
expensive cigarette I've ever smoked."
it in your waistcoat pocket now."
time, give me air."
you can't miss it." He looked at his watch. "And the trap starts
in
half an hour."
minutes I thought how sickening it was to be leaving the country;
then I had a slight shock; and for the next twenty minutes I tried
to remember how much a third single to the nearest part of London
cost. Because I had left my ticket on the dressing-table after all.
on the dress--Well, we needn't worry about that, I've left it at
home."
porter this end, lunch, tea, the porter the other end, and the cab.
I don't believe it's enough. Even if I gave it all to the porter
here, think how reproachfully he would look at you ever afterwards.
It would haunt you."
then asked if I knew anybody who would vouch for me. I mentioned
Herbert confidently. He had never even heard of Herbert.
tie-pins), "and a watch and a cigarette case. I shall be happy to
lend you any of those."
next station and talk to them there. This is only a branch line, and
I have no power to give you a pass."
at every stop and appealing to the station-master at the next. Well,
the money would last longer that way, but unless I could overcome
quickly the distrust which I seemed to inspire in station-masters
there would not be much left for lunch. I gave the porter all I
could afford--a ha'penny, mentioned apologetically that I was coming
back, and stepped into the train.
office.
anyhow I haven't got it," I began, and we plunged into explanations
once more. This station-master was even more unemotional than the
last. He asked me if I knew anybody who could vouch for me--I
mentioned Herbert diffidently. He had never even heard of Herbert. I
showed him my gold watch, my silver cigarette case, and my emerald
and diamond tie-pin--that was the sort of man I was.
is to take a ticket to Plymouth and speak to the station-master
there--"
When you speak to the station-master at London, I suppose? I've a
good mind to say 'Snap!'"
guess--Herbert!
going--jumped into it--been looking all over the station for you."
took a deep breath. "I told you you would."
my life. I've had an awful time. I say, do you know, I've met two
station-masters already this morning who've never even heard of you.
You must inquire into it."
pay now," and he began to feel in his pockets.... The train moved
out of the station.
hadn't any money on him. "Hi!" he shouted to me, and then we swung
round a bend out of sight....
and his cigarette case leather, but luckily that sort of thing
doesn't weigh much with station-masters. What they want is a well-
known name as a reference. Herbert is better off than I was: he can
give them MY name. It will be idle for them to pretend that they
have never heard of me.
THE DOCTOR
which had lasted from the beginning of the waltz.
looks so bad for a man to remove his arm from a lady's waist in
order to look at his watch--I mean without some sort of apology or
explanation. As though he were wondering if he could possibly stick
another five minutes of it."
Perhaps, after all, her name wasn't White, but, anyhow, she was
dressed in white, and it's her own fault if wrong impressions arise.
12.45, I believe. If I started now I could just miss it."
and Greater London," I said; "the flats and cats of one and the big
gardens of the other. But just at the moment the only thing I can
think of is whether I shall like the walk home. Are there any
dangerous passes to cross?"
down the mountains at night."
I looked at my watch. "That gives us five minutes more. I could
almost tell you all about myself in the time."
seems to." She sighed and added, "My partners have been very
autobiographical to-night."
had just caught sight of her, when--
along."
utterly free from care.
minutes of it.
it, which goes nobody quite knows where up till one-thirty in the
morning probably. It is now," I added, looking at my watch (I was
getting quite good at this), "just on one o'clock and raining hard.
All is well."
took out my watch and seemed to feel that another tram was just
starting off to some unknown destination. At last I could bear it no
longer and, deciding to write a letter of explanation on the morrow,
I dashed off.
(thrown in by her at the last moment in case the train failed me)
were vague. Five minutes' walk convinced me that I had completely
lost any good that they might ever have been to me. Instinct and
common sense were the only guides left. I must settle down to some
heavy detective work.
of assistance, and I was unable to follow up the slot of a tram
conductor of which I had discovered traces in Two-hundred-and-
fifty-first Street. In Three-thousand-eight-hundred-
and-ninety-seventh Street I lay with my ear to the ground and
listened intently, for I seemed to hear the ting-ting of the
electric car, but nothing came of it; and in Four-millionth Street I
made a new resolution. I decided to give up looking for trams and to
search instead for London--the London that I knew.
and I did not seem to remember having crossed the Thames, so that if
only I could find a star which pointed to the south I was in a fair
way to get home. I set out to look for a star; with the natural
result that, having abandoned all hope of finding a man, I
immediately ran into him.
my London--"to Westminster Abbey?"
too late for the Coronation and too early for the morning service.
approaching. I tumbled in, gave the conductor a penny, and got a
workman's ticket in exchange. Ten minutes later we reached the
terminus.
Southampton Row, but didn't much mind so long as I was again within
reach of a cab. However, as soon as I stepped out of the tram, I
knew at once where I was.
I walked a hundred yards up the hill and turned to the right.... As
I entered the gates I could hear the sound of music.
breather at the hall door. "One moment," I added, and I got out of
my coat and umbrella.
all night."
must say it's a hard life, a doctor's. One is called away in the
middle of a dance to a difficult case of--of mumps or something,
and--well, there you are. A delightful evening spoilt. If one is
lucky, one may get back in time for a waltz or two at the end.
quite thought I wasn't going to get back here at all."
the world, St James's Park--gave a sigh of happiness. The blue sky,
the lawn of daffodils, the mist of green upon the trees were but a
promise of the better things which the country held for him.
Beautiful as he thought the daffodils, he found for the moment an
even greater beauty in the Gladstone bags at his feet. His eyes
wandered from one to the other, and his heart sang to him, "I'm
going away--I'm going away--I'm going away."
the Easter holiday crowd upon the platform. A porter put down his
luggage and was then swallowed up in a sea of perambulators and
flustered parents. Ronald never saw him again. At 2.40, amidst some
applause, the train came in.
which joined Ronald in his carriage was ruthlessly hauled out by the
guard, the sun seemed to shine with a warmth more caressing than
ever. Even when the train moved out of the station, and the children
who had been mislaid emerged from their hiding-places and were
bundled in anywhere by the married porters, Ronald still remained
splendidly alone ... and the sky took on yet a deeper shade of blue.
occupied with the thoughts common to most of us when we go
away--thoughts of all the things we have forgotten to pack. I don't
think you could fairly have called Ronald over-anxious about
clothes. He recognized that it was the inner virtues which counted;
that a well-dressed exterior was nothing without some graces of mind
or body. But at the same time he did feel strongly that, if you are
going to stay at a house where you have never visited before, and if
you are particularly anxious to make a good impression, it IS a pity
that an accident of packing should force you to appear at dinner in
green knickerbockers and somebody else's velvet smoking-jacket.
wasn't the spare sponge; it wasn't the extra shaving-brush; it
wasn't the second pair of bedroom slippers. Just for a moment the
sun went behind a cloud as he wondered if he had included the
reserve razor-strop; but no, he distinctly remembered packing that.
interrupted while getting ready that afternoon; and as he left
whatever he had been doing in order to speak to his housekeeper he
had said to himself, "If you're not careful, you'll forget about
that when you come back." And now he could not remember what it was
he had been doing, nor whether he HAD in the end forgotten to go on
with it. Was he selecting his ties, or brushing his hair, or--
cuttings gay with spring flowers; blue was the sky between the baby
clouds ... but it all missed Ronald. What COULD he have forgotten?
changes of toilet that the hours might bring. He had packed this and
this and this and this--he was all right for the evening. Supposing
they played golf? ... He was all right for golf. He might want to
ride .... He would be able to ride. It was too early for
lawn-tennis, but ... well, anyhow, he had put in flannels.
really seemed that he had provided for everything. If he liked, he
could go to church on Friday morning; hunt otters from twelve to one
on Saturday; toboggan or dig for badgers on Monday. He had the
different suits necessary for those who attend a water-polo meeting,
who play chess, or who go out after moths with a pot of treacle. And
even, in the last resort, he could go to bed.
was brushed and he had no smut upon his face. With a sigh of relief
he lowered the window and his soul drank in the beautiful afternoon.
"
We are going away--we are going away--we are going away," sang the
train.
got out. There were horses to meet him. "Better than a car," thought
Ronald, "on an afternoon like this." The luggage was
collected--"Nothing left out," he chuckled to himself, and was
seized with an insane desire to tell the coach-man so; and then
they drove off through the fresh green hedgerows, Ronald trying hard
not to cheer.
child, jumped out and shook him warmly by the hand, and told him
what a heavenly day it was; receiving with smiles of pleasure the
news in return that it was almost like summer.
garden."
sitting lazily with his legs stretched out and a cup of tea in his
hands, and feeling already on the friendliest terms with everybody,
wondered again at the difference which the weather could make to
one's happiness.
NOTHING seems to matter."
what it was which he had told himself not to forget ... what it was
which he had indeed forgotten.
in the air.
STORIES OF SUCCESSFUL LIVES
Blunt leant back in his comfortable chair and toyed with the key of
the safe, while he tried to realize his new position. He, John
Blunt, was junior partner in the great London firm of Macnaughton,
Macnaughton, Macnaughton, Macnaughton & Macnaughton!
he had first entered the doors of the firm as one of two hundred and
seventy-eight applicants for the post of office-boy. They had been
interviewed in batches, and old Mr Sanderson, the senior partner,
had taken the first batch.
at once.
he had saved the firm more than once by his readiness--particularly
on one occasion, when he had called old Mr Sanderson's attention to
the fact that he had signed a letter to a firm of stockbrokers,
" Your loving husband Macnaughton, Macnaughton, Macnaughton,
Macnaughton & Macnaughton." Mr Sanderson, always a little
absentminded, corrected the error, and promised the boy his
articles. Five years later John Blunt was a solicitor.
which it was said in the City, "If a man has Macnaughton,
Macnaughton, Macnaughton, Macnaughton & Macnaughton behind him, he
is all right." The City is always coining pithy little epigrams like
this.
prosperous-looking gentleman came in.
years ago."
the boy. "Mr Thorpe hasn't come back from lunch yet, Mr Peters has
just gone out to lunch, Mr Williams is expected back from lunch
every minute, Mr Gourlay went out to lunch an hour ago, Mr
Beamish--"
wait a moment I'll see if he's awake."
what can I do for you, Mr--er--Masters?"
business."
the hairdresser's that Macnaughton, Macnaughton, Macnaughton,
Macnaughton & Macnaughton was the cleverest firm in London."
and I think it would be best if I were to come and stay with you for
the week-end. We could go into it properly then."
going to suggest it. My motor-car is outside. Let us go at once."
snatch a handful of money from the safe for incidental expenses, and
to tell the boy that he would be back on Monday, he picked up the
well-filled week-end bag which he always kept ready, and hurried
after the other.
a post-office? I must send an important business telegram." He took
out a form and wrote:
getting old now, and I would give a thousand pounds to see her
happily married."
pocket-book.
thousand pounds on her on the wedding-day."
post-office?" he added, bringing out his fountain-pen again. He took
out a second telegraph form and wrote:
mansion standing in its own well-timbered grounds of upwards of
several acres. At the front-door a graceful figure was standing.
business," she said shyly.
at her again--"or--three weeks, and the thing is done."
we shall pull it off. Er--might I send an important business
telegram?"
return uncertain. Please send more cash for incidental
expenses.--BLUNT."
a solicitor's life. John Blunt and Amy Masters were married at St
George's, Hanover Square, last May. The wedding was a quiet one,
owing to mourning in the bride's family--the result of a too sudden
perusal of Macnaughton, Macnaughton, Macnaughton, Macnaughton &
Macnaughton's bill of costs. As Mr Masters said with his expiring
breath--he didn't mind paying for our Mr Blunt's skill; nor yet for
our Mr Blunt's valuable time--even if most of it was spent in
courting Amy; nor, again, for our Mr Blunt's tips to the servants;
but he did object to being charged the first-class railway fare both
ways when our Mr Blunt had come down and gone up again in the car.
And perhaps I ought to add that that is the drawback to this fine
profession. One is so often misunderstood.
THE PAINTER
temperament is peculiarly subject to these moods, but in Paul's case
there was reason why he should take a gloomy view of things. His
masterpiece, "The Shot Tower from Battersea Bridge," together with
the companion picture, "Battersea Bridge from the Shot Tower," had
been purchased by a dealer for seventeen and sixpence. His sepia
monochrome, "Night," had brought him an I.O.U. for five shillings.
These were his sole earnings for the last six weeks, and starvation
stared him in the face.
to support me until my Academy picture is finished." His Academy
picture was a masterly study entitled, "Roll on, thou deep and dark
blue ocean, roll," and he had been compelled to stop half-way across
the Channel through sheer lack of ultramarine.
wearily and went to the little cupboard which served as a larder.
There was but little there to make a satisfying meal--half a loaf of
bread, a corner of cheese, and a small tube of Chinese-white.
Mechanically he set the things out....
the door. His charwoman, whose duty it was to clean his brushes
every week, came in with a card.
"
A lady to see you, sir," she said.
in, please." Hastily picking up a brush and the first tube which
came to hand, he placed himself in a dramatic position before his
easel and set to work.
a duchess in his studio and by his sudden discovery that he was
touching up a sunset with a tube of carbolic tooth-paste.
you."
ha'penny paper beneath a photograph of Mr Arnold Bennett, bowed
silently.
and then closed it again. After all, it was hardly fair to bother
her Grace with technicalities.
could begin at two o'clock on Monday."
clutching the tooth-paste, conducted her to her carriage.
deep breath of astonishment when he saw her, for she was lovely
beyond compare. All his skill as a landscape painter would be needed
if he were to do justice to her beauty. As quickly as possible he
placed her in position and set to work.
hours of it.
burnt cork, and it would be too dark to do any more that evening.
down to the fire.
remark as one of his best things, looked at her in surprise.
Ernest again. Nor," he added hurriedly, "to Lord Ernest of me. When
your picture is finished I will tell you why. Now it is time you
went." He woke the Duchess up, and made a few commonplace remarks
about the weather. "Remember," he whispered to Lady Hermione as he
saw them to their car. She nodded and smiled.
great sweeps of the brush; sometimes he would spend an hour trying
to get on his palette the exact shade of green bice for the famous
Winchester emeralds; sometimes in despair he would take a sponge and
wipe the whole picture out, and then start madly again. And
sometimes he would stop work altogether and tell Lady Hermione about
his home-life in Worcestershire. But always, when he woke the
Duchess up at the end of the sitting, he would say, "Remember!" and
Lady Hermione would nod back at him.
nothing remained to do but to paint in the signature.
Is it at all like me?"
painter."
famous portrait painter!"
member of the Amateur Rowing Association, it is true, but only an
unknown landscape painter. Peter Samways lives in the next studio,
and he is not even a relation."
pretences!" She stamped her foot angrily. "My father will not buy
that picture, and I forbid you to exhibit it as a portrait of
myself."
"
My dear Lady Hermione," said Paul, "you need not be alarmed. I
propose to exhibit the picture as 'When the Heart is Young.' Nobody
will recognize a likeness to you in it. And if the Duke does not buy
it I have no doubt that some other purchaser will come along."
asked gently.
still asleep," she whispered.
behind his ear.
was the feature of the Exhibition. It was bought for 10,000 pounds
by a retired bottle manufacturer, whom it reminded a little of his
late mother. Paul woke to find himself famous. But the success which
began for him from this day did not spoil his simple and generous
nature. He never forgot his brother artists, whose feet were not yet
on the top of the ladder. Indeed, one of his first acts after he was
married was to give a commission to Peter Samways, A.R.A.--nothing
less than the painting of his wife's portrait. And Lady Hermione was
delighted with the result.
THE BARRISTER
a remarkable case of shop-lifting. Aurora Delaine, nineteen, was
charged with feloniously stealing and conveying certain articles,
the property of the Universal Stores, to wit thirty-five yards of
bock muslin, ten pairs of gloves, a sponge, two gimlets, five jars
of cold cream, a copy of the Clergy List, three hat-guards, a
mariner's compass, a box of drawing-pins, an egg-breaker, six
blouses, and a cabman's whistle. The theft had been proved by Albert
Jobson, a shopwalker, who gave evidence to the effect that he
followed her through the different departments and saw her take the
things mentioned in the indictment.
prisoner?"
idly into court, looked round in sudden excitement. The poor girl
had no counsel! What if he--yes, he would seize the chance! He stood
up boldly. "I am, my lord," he said.
briefless barrister for some years. Yet, though briefs would not
come, he had been very far from idle. He had stood for Parliament in
both the Conservative and Liberal interests (not to mention his
own), he had written half a dozen unproduced plays, and he was
engaged to be married. But success in his own profession had been
delayed. Now at last was his opportunity.
pince-nez and rose to cross-examine. It was the cross-examination
which was to make him famous, the cross-examination which is now
given as a model in every legal text-book.
steal these various articles, and that they were afterwards found
upon her?"
" that that is a pure invention on your part?"
as the answer was, he preserved his impassivity.
concealed this collection of things in her cloak with a view to
advertising your winter sale?"
suggestion. With masterly decision he tapped his pince-nez and fell
back upon his third line of defence. "You saw her steal them? What
you mean is that you saw her take them from the different counters
and put them in her bag?"
prisoner, when told she would be charged, cried, 'To think that I
should have come to this! Will no one save me?' I suggest that she
went up to you with her collection of purchases, pulled out her
purse, and said, 'What does all this come to? I can't get any one to
serve me.'"
pocket and brought out another pair. The historic cross-examination
continued.
sheet of paper and then looked sternly at Mr Jobson. "Mr Jobson, how
many times have you been married?"
that your wife left you?"
heaved a sigh of relief.
politeness, "WHY she left you?"
did not fail him.
you were turned out of the Hampstead Parliament for intoxication?"
1897? What were you doing on that night?"
waiting in vain for some result.
the Hampstead Parliament--"
say that you never belonged to the Hampstead Parliament? Is THAT
your idea of patriotism?"
were turned out of the Hackney Parliament for--"
intoxication?"
in the public-house?"
Chess Circle, and that takes up most of my evenings."
the truth in the end, in spite of Mr Jobson's prevarications." He
turned to the witness. "Now, sir," he said sternly, "you have
already told the Court that you have no idea what you were doing on
the night of April 24th, 1897. I put it to you once more that this
blankness of memory is due to the fact that you were in a state of
intoxication on the premises of the Hackney Chess Circle. Can you
swear on your oath that this is not so?"
been tracked down ran through the court. Rupert drew himself up and
put on both pairs of pince-nez at once.
Jobson who answered. It was the counsel for the prosecution. "My
lord," he said, getting up slowly, "this has come as a complete
surprise to me. In the circumstances, I must advise my clients to
withdraw from the case."
discharged without a stain on her character."
the big Chancery cases. Within a week his six plays were accepted,
and within a fortnight he had entered Parliament as the miners'
Member for Coalville. His marriage took place at the end of a month.
The wedding presents were even more numerous and costly than usual,
and included thirty-five yards of book muslin, ten pairs of gloves,
a sponge, two gimlets, five jars of cold cream, a copy of the Clergy
List, three hat-guards, a mariner's compass, a box of drawing-pins,
an egg-breaker, six blouses, and a cabman's whistle. They were
marked quite simply, "From a Grateful Friend."
THE CIVIL SERVANT
windows of one of the busiest of Government offices. In an airy room
on the third floor Richard Dale was batting. Standing in front of
the coal-box with the fire-shovel in his hands, he was a model of
the strenuous young Englishman; and as for the third time he turned
the Government india-rubber neatly in the direction of square-leg,
and so completed his fifty, the bowler could hardly repress a sigh
of envious admiration. Even the reserved Matthews, who was too old
for cricket, looked up a moment from his putting, and said, "Well
played, Dick!"
the lie to the thoughtless accusation that the Civil Service
cultivates the body at the expense of the mind. The eager shouts of
the players seemed to annoy him, for he frowned and bit his pen, or
else passed his fingers restlessly through his hair.
noise," he cried suddenly.
Evening Surprise if you make such a row? Why don't you go out to
tea?"
leaving the room to Ashby.
he had a literary bent. His letters home from school were generally
pronounced to be good enough for Punch, and some of them, together
with a certificate of character from his Vicar, were actually sent
to that paper. But as he grew up he realized that his genius was
better fitted for work of a more solid character. His post in the
Civil Service gave him full leisure for his Adam: A Fragment, his
History of the Microscope, and his Studies in Rural Campanology, and
yet left him ample time in which to contribute to the journalism of
the day.
contribution to that paper, but he had little doubt that it would be
accepted. It was called quite simply, "Love and Death," and it began
like this:
to die?"
gave the reason for this absurd diffidence.
took it round to The Evening Surprise. The strain of composition had
left him rather weak, and he decided to give his brain a rest for
the next few days. So it happened that he was at the wickets on the
following Wednesday afternoon when the commissionaire brought him in
the historic letter. He opened it hastily, the shovel under his arm.
and see me as soon as convenient?"
later, he put his coat on, took his hat and stick, and dashed out.
your work. We all liked your little poem very much. It will be
coming out to-morrow."
the idea of doing 'Aunt Miriam's Cosy Corner' in our afternoon
edition appeal to you at all?"
how would you like to be a war correspondent?"
letters home from school."
All expenses and fifty pounds a week. You're not very busy at the
office, I suppose, just now?"
for more than eight or nine months."
Can you get off to-morrow? But I suppose you'll have one or two
things to finish up at the office first?"
But if I go back and finish my innings now, and then have to-morrow
for buying things, I could get off on Friday."
can, and if you do we shan't forget you."
camel, the travelling bath, the putties, the pith helmet, the
quinine, the sleeping-bag, and the thousand-and-one other
necessities of active service. On the Friday his colleagues at the
office came down in a body to Southampton to see him off. Little did
they think that nearly a year would elapse before he again set foot
upon England.
say that experience taught him quickly all that he had need to
learn; and that whereas he was more than a week late with his cabled
account of the first engagement of the war, he was frequently more
than a week early afterwards. Indeed, the battle of Parson's Nose,
so realistically described in his last telegram, is still waiting to
be fought. It is to be hoped that it will be in time for his
aptly-named book, With the Mexicans in Mexico, which is coming out
next month.
changes. To begin with, the editor of The Evening Surprise had
passed on to The Morning Exclamation.
Harold.
the office?"
I'll go round and see what I can arrange."
steadily in salary and seniority during his absence, and he found to
his delight that he was now a Principal Clerk. He found, too, that
he had acquired quite a reputation in the office for quickness and
efficiency in his new work.
The first thing to arrange about was his holiday. He had had no
holiday for more than a year, and there were some eight weeks owing
to him.
looking well. I suppose you manage to get away for the week-ends?"
pathetically.
me, and we'll do a matinee afterwards."
editorship of The Evening Surprise without giving up the
Governmental work which was so dear to him, and the Assistant
Secretary's words made this possible for a year or so anyhow. Then,
when his absence from the office first began to be noticed, it would
be time to think of retiring on an adequate pension.
THE ACTOR
the car, took the snow out of his mouth, and swore heartily. Mortal
men are liable to motor accidents; even kings' cars have backfired;
but it seems strange that actor-managers are not specially exempt
from these occurrences. Mr Levinski was not only angry; he was also
a little shocked. When an actor-manager has to walk two miles to the
nearest town on a winter evening one may be pardoned a doubt as to
whether all is quite right with the world.
pitiable arrival of Mr Levinski at "The Duke's Head," unrecognized
and with his fur coat slightly ruffled, might make a sceptic of the
most devout optimist, and yet Eustace Merrowby can never look back
upon that evening without a sigh of thankfulness; for to him it was
the beginning of his career. The story has often been told since--in
about a dozen weekly papers, half a dozen daily papers and three
dozen provincial papers--but it will always bear telling again.
compelled to put up at "The Duke's Head." However, he had dined and
was feeling slightly better. He summoned the manager of the hotel.
of the aristocracy, made haste to reply. Othello was being played at
the town theatre. His daughter, who had already been three times,
told him that it was simply sweet. He was sure his lordship ...
himself with something that evening, and the choice apparently lay
between Othello and the local Directory. He picked up the Directory.
By a lucky chance for Eustace Merrowby it was three years old. Mr
Levinski put on his fur coat and went to see Othello.
through the Third Act he began to wake up. There was something in
the playing of the principal actor which moved him strangely. He
looked at his programme. "Othello--Mr EUSTACE MERROWBY." Mr Levinski
frowned thoughtfully. "Merrowby?" he said to himself. "I don't
know
the name, but he's the man I want." He took out the gold pencil
presented to him by the Emperor--(the station-master had had a
tie-pin)--and wrote a note.
announced.
very busy," and here he began to turn the pages of the Directory
backwards and forwards, "but I can give you a moment. What is it you
want?"
gesture. "I am so busy, I forget. Ah, now I remember. I saw you play
Othello last night. You are the man I want. I am producing 'Oom
Baas,' the great South African drama, next April at my theatre.
Perhaps you know?"
papers (he might have added) every day, for the last six months.
farm. I want you to play 'Tommy.'"
Othello. Tommy is the Kaffir boy who looks after the farm. It is a
black part, like your present one, but not so long. In London you
cannot expect to take the leading parts just yet."
longed to get to London. And to start in your theatre!--it's a
wonderful chance."
away and took up the Directory again with a business-like air.
young actor to come to London. As Mr Levinski had warned him, his
new part was not so big as that of Othello; he had to say "Hofo
tsetse!"--which was alleged to be Kaffir for "Down, sir!"--to
the
big ostrich. But to be at the St George's Theatre at all was an
honour which most men would envy him, and his association with a
real ostrich was bound to bring him before the public in the pages
of the illustrated papers.
He was fairly certain that he was word-perfect; and if only the
ostrich didn't kick him in the back of the neck--as it had tried to
once at rehearsal--the evening seemed likely to be a triumph for
him. And so it was with a feeling of pleasurable anticipation that,
on the morning after, he gathered the papers round him at breakfast,
and prepared to read what the critics had to say.
obtained from the leading papers:
performers."--Morning Leader.
does not apply to the rest of the cast."--Sportsman.
for special praise."--Daily Mail.
True, The Era, careful never to miss a single performer, had yet to
say, "Mr Eustace Merrowby was capital as Tommy," and The Stage,
"
Tommy was capitally played by Mr Eustace Merrowby"; but even
without this he had become one of the Men who Count--one whose
private life was of more interest to the public than that of any
scientist, general or diplomat in the country.
length. It is perhaps as a member of the Garrick Club that he has
attained his fullest development. All the good things of the Garrick
which were not previously said by Sydney Smith may safely be put
down to Eustace; and there is no doubt that he is the ringleader in
all the subtler practical jokes which have made the club famous. It
was he who pinned to the back of an unpopular member of the
committee a sheet of paper bearing the words
eminent author as the latter was about to sit down is still referred
to hilariously by the older members.
everybody has at least heard the name "Eustace Merrowby"--even
though some may be under the impression that it is the trade-mark of
a sauce; and that half the young ladies of Wandsworth Common and
Winchmore Hill are in love with him. If this be not success, what
is?
THE YOUNGER SON
impoverished family. The fact that your brother Thomas is taking
most of the dibs restricts your inheritance to a paltry two thousand
a year, while pride of blood forbids you to supplement this by
following any of the common professions. Impossible for a St Verax
to be a doctor, a policeman or an architect. He must find some
nobler means of existence.
be a St Verax was always to be a sportsman. Roger's father had
created a record in the sporting world by winning the Derby and the
Waterloo Cup with the same animal--though, in each case, it narrowly
escaped disqualification. Roger himself almost created another
record by making betting pay. His book, showing how to do it, was
actually in the press when disaster overtook him.
Jack Joel Selling Plate at Newmarket. On the next race he dropped a
cool five hundred, and later on in the afternoon a cool seventy-
five pounds ten. The following day found him at Lingfield, where he
dropped a cool monkey (to persevere with the language of the racing
stable) on the Solly Joel Cup, picked it up on the next race,
dropped a cool pony, dropped another cool monkey, dropped a cool
wallaby, picked up a cool hippopotamus, and finally, in the last
race of the day, dropped a couple of lukewarm ferrets. In short, he
was (as they say at Tattersall's Corner) entirely cleaned out.
do. Roger St Verax knew instinctively what it was. He bought a new
silk hat and a short black coat, and went into the City.
read this in your daintily upholstered boudoir, can know but little
of the great heart of the City, even though you have driven through
its arteries on your way to Liverpool Street Station, and have noted
the bare and smoothly brushed polls of the younger natives. You,
sir, in your country vicarage, are no less innocent, even though on
sultry afternoons you have covered your head with the Financial
Supplement of The Times in mistake for the Literary Supplement, and
have thus had thrust upon you the stirring news that Bango-Bangos
were going up. And I, dear friends, am equally ignorant of the
secrets of the Stock Exchange. I know that its members frequently
walk to Brighton, and still more frequently stay there; that while
finding a home for all the good stories which have been going the
rounds for years, they sometimes invent entirely new ones for
themselves about the Chancellor of the Exchequer; and that they sing
the National Anthem very sternly in unison when occasion demands it.
But there must be something more in it than this, or why are
Bango-Bangos still going up?
Director of the Bango-Bango Development Company, is not very clear
about it all.
took up his life in the City. As its name implies, the Company was
originally formed to explore Bango-Bango, an impenetrable district
in North Australia; but when it came to the point it was found much
more profitable to explore Hampstead, Clapham Common, Blackheath,
Ealing and other rich and fashionable suburbs. A number of hopeful
ladies and gentlemen having been located in these parts, the Company
went ahead rapidly, and in 1907 a new prospector was sent out to
replace the one who was assumed to have been eaten.
his surprise found himself in possession of twenty thousand pounds
and a Directorship of the new Bango-Bango Mining Company.
like a rocket.
tyres were made of rubber, and in a moment the Great Boom was sprung
upon an amazed City. The Bango-Bango Development Company was
immediately formed to take over the Bango-Bango Mining Company
(together with its prospector, if alive, its plant, shafts and other
property, not forgetting the piece of gold) and more particularly to
develop the vegetable resources of the district with the view of
planting rubber trees in the immediate future. A neatly compiled
prospectus put matters very clearly before the stay-at-home
Englishman. It explained quite concisely that, supposing the trees
were planted so many feet apart throughout the whole property of
five thousand square miles, and allowing a certain period for the
growth of a tree to maturity, and putting the average yield of
rubber per tree at, in round figures, so much, and assuming for the
sake of convenience that rubber would remain at its present price,
and estimating the cost of working the plantation at say, roughly,
100,000 pounds, why, then it was obvious that the profits would be
anything you liked up to two billion a year--while (this was
important) more land could doubtless be acquired if the share-
holders thought fit. And even if you were certain that a rubber-tree
couldn't possibly grow in the Bango-Bango district (as in confidence
it couldn't), still it was worth taking shares purely as an
investment, seeing how rapidly rubber was going up; not to mention
the fact that Roger St Verax, the well-known financier, was a
Director ... and so on.
the City, a safe thing.
a millionaire; and for quite a week afterwards he used to wonder
where all the money had come from. In the old days, when he won a
cool thousand by betting, he knew that somebody else had lost a cool
thousand by betting, but it did not seem to be so in this case. He
had met hundreds of men who had made fortunes through rubber; he had
met hundreds who bitterly regretted that they had missed making a
fortune; but he had never met any one who had lost a fortune. This
made him think the City an even more wonderful place than before.
he must find somebody to share his happiness. He called on his old
friend, Mary Brown, one Sunday.
I'm disengaged next Tuesday. Will you meet me at St George's Church
at two? I should like to show you the curate and the vestry, and one
or two things like that."
beggarly pittance, I could not ask you to marry me. There was
nothing for it but to wait in patience. It has been a long weary
wait, dear, but the sun has broken through the clouds at last. I am
now in a position to support a wife. Tuesday at two," he went on,
consulting his pocket diary; "or I could give you half an hour on
Monday morning."
with presents and things?"
now, and it is imperative that I should be married at once. Only a
married man, with everything in his wife's name, can face with
confidence the give and take of the bustling City."
A FEW FRIENDS
coat up in the hall. "I've only got my skin on, but you can come
up."
found her.
all the way from London?"
Good-night."
me about Beauty and 'e Beast?"
for to-night."
inches apart.
of happiness, put her arms round her knees, and waited breathlessly
for the story she had heard twenty times before.
day--"
know I NEVER tell you the man's name."
heard that a lot of money was waiting for him in a ship which had
come over the sea to a town some miles off. So he--"
there."
the money."
them what they'd like him to bring back for a present. And the first
asked for some lovely jewels and diamonds and--"
the second wanted some beautiful clothes."
EVERYTHING."
under her breath.
herself, 'Poor Father won't have any money left at all, if we all go
on like this!' So she didn't ask for anything very expensive, like
her selfish sisters, she only asked for a rose. A simple red rose."
know. It never did before."
rose because she loved roses so. And it was a very particular kind
of red rose that she wanted--a sort that they simply COULDN'T get to
grow in their own garden because of the soil."
Monday he went to a meeting of the Vegetable Gardeners, and proposed
the health of the Chairman. Yes, well he started off on Tuesday, and
when he got there he found that there was no money for him at all!"
away by the subject. "By mistake."
money. He hadn't gone far--"
inches in the air.
then stopped and rested her head upon her hands and thought out this
new situation. At last, her face flushed with happiness, she
announced her decision.
breathlessly, "and THEN tell me why you haven't got a garden."
stop at the place when the Beast thought he was dead, six minutes
twenty-five seconds. But, with the aid of seemingly innocent
questions, a determined character can make even the craftiest uncle
spin the story out to half an hour.
and she was being tucked up in bed, "will you tell me ALL the
story?"
sure it will be wisest next time to promise her the whole thing. We
must make that point clear at the very start, and then we shall get
along.
II.--THE LITERARY ART
myself, but if people WILL write, I suppose you can't stop them.
took it out, "and then you'll always have one. You simply eat
pencils."
chair.
for the Reviews. "B-a-b-y, baby." She squared her elbows and began
to write....
proudly by to point out subtleties that might have been overlooked
at a first reading.
out. And it's bigger--it's one of the biggest babies I've seen."
wanted to write to a man at a shop--'Dear Sir,--You never sent me my
boots. Please send them at once, as I want to go out this afternoon.
I am, yours faithfully, Margery'--it would be no good simply putting
'B-a-b-y,' because he wouldn't know what you meant."
good putting. You want to learn lots and lots of new words, so as to
be ready. Now here's a jolly little one that you ought to meet." I
took the pencil and wrote GOT. "Got. G-o-t, got."
studied the position.
so I can't accept your kind invitation'; or when you want to say,
'Excuse more, as I've got to go to bed now'; or quite simply,
'You've got my pencil.'"
snatched from me.
enough.... That's better."
inspiration, and wrote her second manifesto. It was this:--
treated it more spontaneously than the other. But it was distinctly
a "got." One of the gots.
say again?"
time.
solicitor."
I read it out slowly to Margery, spelt it to her three times very
carefully, and wrote SOLICITOR again. Then I said it thoughtfully to
myself half a dozen times--"Solicitor." Then I looked at it
wonderingly.
be. 'Solicitor'--it seems so silly."
pencil, "and see if it looks silly."
the word down underneath. The combined effort then read as
follows:--
the creases out. I like that much better."
hope."
scraps of paper in the other, she climbed on to the writing-desk and
gave herself up to literature....
besides having my pencil still (of which I say nothing for the
moment) she has now three separate themes upon which to ring the
changes--a range wide enough for any writer. These are, "Baby got
solicitor" (supposing that there is such a word), "Solicitor got
baby," and "Got baby solicitor." Indeed, there are really four
themes here, for the last one can have two interpretations. It might
mean that you had obtained an ordinary solicitor for Baby, or it
might mean that you had got a specially small one for yourself. It
lacks, therefore, the lucidity of the best authors, but in a woman
writer this may be forgiven.
III.--MY SECRETARY
some reason or other she never wrote back. To save her face I had to
answer the letters myself--a tedious business. Still, I must admit
that the warmth and geniality of the replies gave me a certain
standing with my friends, who had not looked for me to be so
popular. After some months, however, pride stepped in. One cannot
pour out letter after letter to a lady without any acknowledgment
save from oneself. And when even my own acknowledgments began to
lose their first warmth--when, for instance, I answered four pages
about my new pianola with the curt reminder that I was learning to
walk and couldn't be bothered with music, why, then at last I saw
that a correspondence so one-sided would have to come to an end. I
wrote a farewell letter and replied to it with tears....
among the usual pile of notes on my plate from duchesses,
publishers, money-lenders, actor-managers and what-not, I find,
likely enough, an envelope in Margery's own handwriting. Not only is
my address printed upon it legibly, but there are also such extra
directions to the postman as "England" and "Important," for
its more
speedy arrival. And inside--well, I give you the last but seven.
didn't why didn't you baby has p t o hurt her knee isnt that a pity
I have some new toys isnt that jolly we didn't have our five minutes
so will you krite to me and tell me all about p t o your work from
your loving little MARGIE."
are one or two things I should like to explain.
leading article lacks tone, so Margery feels, and I agree with her,
that a certain cachet is lent to a letter by a p.t.o. at the bottom
of each page.
spelt "rite." Margery knows that this is not so. She knows that
there is a silent letter in front of the "r," which doesn't do
anything but likes to be there. Obviously, if nobody is going to
take any notice of this extra letter, it doesn't much matter what it
is. Margery happened to want to make a "k" just then; at a pinch
it
could be as silent as a "w." You will please, therefore, regard the
"
k" in "krite" as absolutely noiseless.
in writing such words as "isn't" and "don't."
occasional evenings when I was there, Margery's last ten minutes
before she goes back to some heaven of her own each night. This
privilege was granted; it being felt, no doubt, that she owed me
some compensation for my early secretarial work on her behalf. We
used to spend the ten minutes in listening to my telling a fairy
story, always the same one. One day the authorities stepped in and
announced that in future the ten minutes would be reduced to five.
The procedure seemed to me absolutely illegal (and I should like to
bring a test action against somebody), but it certainly did put the
lid on my fairy story, of which I was getting more than a little
tired.
evening.
breathless minutes. You will understand what bare justice I can do
to it in the time.
and return to the letter. There are many ways of answering such a
letter. One might say, "MY DEAR MARGERY,--It was jolly to get a real
letter from you at last--" but the "at last" would seem rather
tactless considering what had passed years before. Or one might say,
" MY DEAR MARGERY,--Thank you for your jolly letter. I am so sorry
about baby's knee and so glad about your toys. Perhaps if you gave
one of the toys to baby, then her knee--" But I feel sure that
Margery would expect me to do better than that.
busy day at the office or I would have come to see you. P.T.O.--I
hope to be down next week, and then I will tell you all about my
work; but I have a lot more to do now, and so I must say Good-bye.
Your loving UNCLE."
but with business-like promptitude Margery replied:--
next week baby is quite well now are you p t o coming on Thursday
next week or not say yes if you are I am p t o sorry you are working
so hard from your loving MARGIE."
too late for a "P.T.O.," but I got one in and put on the back, "Love
to Baby." The answer came by return of post:--
come at half past nothing baby sends her love and so do p t o I my
roking horse has a sirrup broken isnt that a pity say yes or no
good-bye from your loving MARGIE."
WAS a pity about the rocking-horse. I did it in large capitals,
which (as I ought to have said before) is the means of communication
between Margery and her friends. For some reason or other I find
printing capitals to be more tiring than the ordinary method of
writing.
get letters, particularly these, but I hate writing them,
particularly in capitals. Years ago, I used to answer Margery's
letters for her. It is now her turn to answer mine for me.
whip for a present, with a whistle at the end of it. When I next go
into the country to see him I shall take it with me and explain it
to him. Two days' firmness would make him quite a sensible dog. I
have often threatened to begin the treatment on my very next visit,
but somehow it has been put off; the occasion of his birthday offers
a last opportunity.
Chum, for he has been no more than three months old since we have
had him. He is a black spaniel who has never grown up. He has a
beautiful astrakhan coat which gleams when the sun is on it; but he
stands so low in the water that the front of it is always getting
dirty, and his ears and the ends of his trousers trail in the mud. A
great authority has told us that, but for three white hairs on his
shirt (upon so little do class distinctions hang), he would be a
Cocker of irreproachable birth. A still greater authority has sworn
that he is a Sussex. The family is indifferent--it only calls him a
Silly Ass. Why he was christened Chum I do not know; and as he never
recognizes the name it doesn't matter.
village. I wanted to show him the lie of the land. He had never seen
the country before and was full of interest. He trotted into a
cottage garden and came back with something to show me.
chick just out of the egg.
evidence which he had just brought to light.
arrangements proceeded. "Then I'll just go and find somewhere for
these two." And he picked them up and trotted into the sun.
didn't know the country was like this. What do we do now?"
now. But he is still a happy dog; there is plenty doing in the
garden. There are beds to walk over, there are blackbirds in the
apple tree to bark at. The world is still full of wonderful things.
"
Why, only last Wednesday," he will tell you, "the fishmonger left
his basket in the drive. There was a haddock in it, if you'll
believe me, for master's breakfast, so of course I saved it for him.
I put it on the grass just in front of his study window, where he'd
be SURE to notice it. Bless you, there's always SOMETHING to do in
this house. One is never idle."
cheerfully upon events until they arrange themselves for his
amusement. He will sit for twenty minutes opposite the garden bank,
watching for a bumble-bee to come out of its hole. "I saw him go
in," he says to himself, "so he's bound to come out. Extraordinarily
interesting world." But to his inferiors (such as the gardener) he
pretends that it is not pleasure but duty which keeps him. "Don't
talk to me, fool. Can't you see that I've got a job on here?"
purge his master's garden of all birds. This keeps him busy. As soon
as he sees a blackbird on the lawn he is in full cry after it. When
he gets to the place and finds the blackbird gone, he pretends that
he was going there anyhow; he gallops round in circles, rolls over
once or twice, and then trots back again. "You didn't REALLY think I
was such a fool as to try to catch a BLACKBIRD?" he says to us. "No,
I was just taking a little run--splendid thing for the figure."
firmness--which, in fact, have inspired my birthday present to him.
But there is this difficulty to overcome first. When he came to live
with us an arrangement was entered into (so he says) by which one
bed was given to him as his own. In that bed he could wander at
will, burying bones and biscuits, hunting birds. This may have been
so, but it is a pity that nobody but Chum knows definitely which is
the bed.
herbaceous border.
sudden thought strikes him, and he pushes his way back again.
what."
finished, and then jumps up with a bark, wipes his paws on my
trousers and trots into the herbaceous border again.
of sitting, a reproachful statue, motionless outside the window of
whomever he wants to come out and play with him--until you can bear
it no longer, but must either go into the garden or draw down the
blinds for the day; his habit, when you ARE out, of sitting up on
his back legs and begging you with his front paws to come and DO
something--a trick entirely of his own invention, for no one would
think of teaching him anything; his funny nautical roll when he
walks, which is nearly a swagger, and gives him always the air of
having just come back from some rather dashing adventure; beyond all
this there is still something. And whatever it is, it is something
which every now and then compels you to bend down and catch hold of
his long silky ears, to look into his honest eyes and say--
after tea, and perhaps--I don't know--closing my eyes now and then.
dark, and very much at ease.
contents in front of me.
one will you choose?"
known each other, I didn't feel that I could take one of the good
ones. After a little thought I chose quite a plain one, which had
belonged to a winkle some weeks ago.
" That's one of the ugly ones."
it beautiful."
" Now, shall we play at something?"
of the fire was my present programme.
been doing all day?"
nearly everybody in the hotel?"
" Yes; then tell me, Betty, do you ever get asked what time you go to
bed?"
movement. When is it?"
hour. I'll get my ball."
in, hit me on the side of the head, and hurried off to hide itself
under an old lady dozing in the corner. Betty followed more
sedately.
again. It noticed you weren't here."
something about it."
nervously rehearsed a few sentences to myself.
there is no likeness between us? If we keep quite still perhaps it
will go away."
head again before I could develop my theme.
your name, my child?"
to ask his own child where she lived? However, the old lady was
asleep again. I turned to Betty.
had better make some new rules. Instead of hitting me on the head
each time, you can roll the ball gently along the floor to me, and I
shall roll it gently back to you. And the one who misses it first
goes to bed."
to the denouement, and she gave me a very difficult one back, not
quite understanding the object of the game.
got--to go--to bed. You've got--to go--to bed. You've--"
It would be the longest night I had had for years. I sighed and
prepared to go.
that there was nothing in the rules about not getting up again.
tricky window. I'm always falling out of it myself."
so, to be one of the duller ones. Whatever people say, I don't think
it compares with cricket, for instance. It is certainly not so
subtle as golf.
There were still five minutes, and I rolled down a very fast googly
which beat her entirely and went straight for the door. Under the
old rules she would have gone to bed at once. Alas, that--
in."
hand.
prettily.
sisters to look after me. I expect there are lots of young girls who
have nobody at all, and I think they must be so lonely. There is
always plenty of fun going on in our house. Yesterday I heard Sister
Fred telling Sister Bert something about her old man coming home
very late one night--I didn't quite understand who the old man was,
or what it was all about, but I know Sister Bert thought it was very
funny, and I seemed to hear a lot of people laughing; perhaps it was
the fairies. And then whenever Sister Bert sits down she always
pulls her skirt right up to her knees, so as people can see her
stockings. I mean there's always SOMETHING amusing happening.
but my sisters are so big and strong that one can't expect them to
bother themselves with niggling little things like that. Besides,
they have so many other things to do. Only this morning, when Sister
Bert was just going to sit down, Sister Fred pulled away her chair,
and she sat on the floor and her legs went up in the air. She said
it was a "grand slam," which some of us thought very funny. I didn't
laugh myself, because I never go out anywhere, and so I don't
understand topical remarks, but I do think it is nice to live in
such an amusing house.
the Prince an hour ago to invite us to the ball to-night! I'd never
seen a messenger in my life, so I peeped out of the chimney corner
at them and wondered if they would stay to tea. But instead of that
my sisters put up what they call a "trapeze" (I never knew we had
one before), and the messengers did some EXTRAORDINARY things on it,
I thought they would kill themselves. After it was over, Sister Fred
told them a lot of stories about the old man, and altogether it was
quite different from what I expected. Ours IS a funny house.
for the ball. I knew I shouldn't be able to go, because I haven't
got a frock, and I simply COULDN'T wear anything of theirs, they are
so much bigger than I am. They finished dressing DOWNSTAIRS for some
reason, where anybody might have seen them--they are so funny about
things like that--and we had a lot of laughter about the clothes
being too tight and so on. I think anything like that is so amusing.
Then they went off, and here I am all alone. It is getting dark, and
so I am going to cheer myself up by singing a little.
often heard about, suddenly came to see us. I told her my sisters
were out, and she asked where they had gone, and wouldn't I like to
go too, so of course I said I should LOVE it. So I am going, and she
has got a frock for me and everything. She is very kind, but not
quite so FAIRY-LIKE as I expected.
got to the Ball just as the juggling and the ventriloquism were
over--it must be a delightful Court to live in--and there was SUCH a
sensation as I appeared. The Prince singled me out at once. He has
the pinkest cheeks and the reddest lips of any man I know, and his
voice is soft and gentle, and oh! I love him. One wants a man to be
manly and a woman to be womanly, and I don't think I should love a
man if he were at all like Sister Fred or Sister Bert. The Prince is
QUITE different. We were alone most of the time, and we sang several
songs together. My sisters never recognized me; it was most
surprising. I heard Sister Fred telling a very fine-looking
gentleman a story about a lodger (whatever that is) who had a bit of
a head; it sounded very humorous. Wherever Sister Fred goes there is
sure to be fun. I am indeed a lucky girl to have two such sisters
and to be in love with a Prince. Sister Bert sat down on the floor
twice--it was most amusing.
clothes turned into rags, and I just RAN out of the room, I was so
frightened. Then I remembered what my Fairy Godmother had said about
leaving before twelve o'clock. I suppose she knew what would happen
if I didn't. I'm afraid I left a glass slipper behind--I hope she
won't mind about it.
I shall always have this to look back to. I don't mind WHAT happens
now.
true. Perhaps it is only a dream, and I shall wake up soon, but even
if it's a dream it's just as good as if it were real. It was all
because of the slipper I left behind. The Prince said that he would
marry the person whom it fitted, because he had fallen in love with
the lady who wore it at the ball (ME!), and so everybody tried it
on. And they came to our house, and Sister Bert tried it on. She
pulled her skirt up to her knees and made everybody laugh, but even
then she couldn't get into it. And Sister Fred made a lot of faces,
but SHE couldn't. So I said, "Let ME try," and they all laughed,
but
the Prince said I should, and of course it fitted at once. Then they
all recognized me, and the Prince kissed me, and a whole lot of
people came into the house who had never been invited, and we had
the trapeze out again, and there was juggling and ventriloquism, and
we all sang songs about somebody called Flanagan (whom I don't think
I have ever met), and Sister Bert kept sitting down suddenly on the
floor. (But the Prince didn't think this was at all funny, so I
expect I must have been right all the time when I have only
PRETENDED to laugh. I used to think that perhaps I hadn't a sense of
humour.) And then the Prince kissed me again, and my Fairy Godmother
came in and kissed us both. Of course we do owe it all to her
really, and I shall tell Charming so.
FATHER CHRISTMAS
Children's Shop all was warmth and brightness. Happy young people of
all ages pressed along, and I had no sooner opened the door than I
was received into the eager stream of shoppers and hurried away to
Fairyland. A slight block at one corner pitched me into an old,
white-bearded gentleman who was standing next to me. Instantly my
hat was in my hand.
thought you were real." I straightened him up, looked at his price,
and wondered whether I should buy him.
for a toy. A foolish error."
with you. Good-morning." And I took my hat off for the third time.
don't take me with you. I've been in this place for years, and I
know exactly where everything is. Besides, as I shall have to give
away all your presents for you, it's only fair that--"
it up."
putting yourself forward."
railroad track."
isn't it rather large and heavy? Why not get a--"
of the Great Western Railway's rolling stock.
shall want some rails, of course.... SHUT up, will you?" I said
angrily, when the attendant was out of hearing.
these modern chimneys--you've no idea what a squeeze it is.
However--"
shall want about a mile of them. Threepence ha'penny a foot? Then I
shan't want nearly a mile."
lamps and things. I bought a lot of those. You never know what
emergency might not arise on the nursery floor, and if anything
happened for want of a switch or two I should never forgive myself.
clockwork torpedo boat. I stopped irresolute.
asked to the house again if you give that."
all their clothes on, and then ask the mother why not."
bricks. Have you ever thought of one of those nice little woolly
rabbits--"
BRICKS."
one of the children."
would build. Palaces, simply palaces. Gone was the Balbus-wall of
our youth; gone was the fort with its arrow-holes for the archers.
Nothing now but temples and Moorish palaces.
you want much land for a house of that size? I know of a site on the
nursery floor, but--well, of course, we could always have an iron
building outside in the passage for the billiard table."
if you teach him to build nothing but castles and ruined abbeys and
things. And you WILL run to bulk. Half of those bricks would have
made a very nice present for anybody."
They'd have to pig it in the box-room. If we're going to have a
palace, let's have a good one."
pillow-cases?"
now have to consider the gentleman in the dairy business. I want a
milk-cart."
have a brewer's dray? Why not have something really heavy? The
reindeer wouldn't mind. They've been out every day this week, but
they'd love it. What about a nice skating-rink? What about--"
made, I expect it's because mothers don't like them. It was just an
idea of mine."
catalogue."
contained every kind of can. I simply had to let Father Christmas
see.
ever spoke at all, for one imagines strange things in the Children's
Shop. He stands now on my writing-table, and observes me with the
friendly smile which has been so fixed a feature of his since I
brought him home.
MISS MIDDLETON
to-day, too."
brought somebody, with me?"
doesn't, but I mentioned it to him."
She came in, and began to arrange her hat in front of the glass.
to yourself. There you are--don't lose it. Milk. Sugar."
so earnestly when I came in?" she asked as she munched.
is it you want to know?"
believe you can help me all the same."
said.
all there is in it, I believe."
expected. It only muddles me. Did you know that Algernon meant 'with
whiskers'? I'm not thinking of calling it Algernon, but that's the
sort of thing they spring on you."
you thought of 'John,' for instance?"
girl?"
she said; "and I am now going straight home to mother."
biscuits?"
believe."
pretty and very clever and very high-spirited, her mother says. Is
there a name for that?"
and Albert.'"
name."
have given me a napkin ring?"
Mary'?"
'Alison' in future?"
for my godchild."
fair."
letter."
parents could have thought of for themselves. The fact that they
have got me in at great expense--to myself--shows that they want
something out of the ordinary. How can I go to them and say, 'After
giving a vast amount of time to the question, I have decided to call
your child 'Violet'? It can't be done."
eye, put it back again.
said, "or that you know anything at all about what it is you're
supposed to be going to do."
Middleton gave a little cough of recognition.
voice, "you are talking rubbish."
offspring is to be called 'Violet Daisy.'"
'Artichoke,' and the whole blessed garden?"
from ME. Here have I been wasting hours and hours in thought, and
then just when the worst of it is over, they calmly step in like
this. I call it--"
II.--OUT OF THE HURLY-BURLY
I've said that to all my partners to-night."
Middleton, after we had been once round the room in silence, "is
that you have to dance with EVERYBODY."
reproachfully at me. You ARE looking reproachful, aren't you?"
THEM. Men never do."
" There's a lot in that which the untrained observer might miss.
Anyhow, it's not at all the sort of thing that a young girl ought to
say at a dance."
forgot. You know how old I am."
added years to my life. I came here to get young again."
in our family."
liked again. People and I have been saying awfully rude things to
each other lately."
when I say that."
instead of BEFORE,"
she tells me afterwards why she hasn't."
considering. Some parents don't even tell you why they haven't."
Miss Middleton dreamily, "that you preferred not to talk when you
danced?"
That sounds more like me."
said that much as I enjoyed the pleasant give and take of friendly
conversation, dearly as I loved even the irresponsible monologue or
the biting repartee, yet still more was I attached to the silent
worship of the valse's mazy rhythm. 'BUT,' I went on to say, 'but,'
I added, with surprising originality, 'every rule has an exception.
YOU are the exception. May I have two dances, and then we'll try one
of each?'"
I like your face, and I like the way your tie goes under your left
ear. I cannot give you ALL the dances on the programme, because I
have my mother with me to-night, and you know what mothers are. They
NOTICE. But anything up to half a dozen, distributed at such
intervals that one's guardians will think it's the same dance, you
are heartily welcome to. And if you care to take me in to supper,
there is--I have the information straight from the stable--a line in
unbreakable meringues which would well be worth our attention.'
That's what you said."
I got my meringue down on the mat, both shoulders touching, in one
minute, forty-three seconds."
rustle of frocks ... and suddenly everybody realized that it had
stopped.
looking rather pleased with herself.
then--"
last moment you smiled and said, 'Hooray.' And he said, 'Certainly,
madam.' Isn't that right?"
Middleton, a trifle anxiously.
saying--I came here to recover my usual calm, and I shan't be at all
calm if I'm only going to get this one dance from you. As an old
friend of the family, who has broken most of the windows, I beg for
another."
duty dances. Can't you take me to the Zoo or the Post-Impressionists
instead?"
week--canvassing, and standing in the streets, and shouting, and
reading leaders, and arguing, and saying, 'My point is perfectly
simple,' and--and--swearing, and all sorts of things. It's awfully
jolly to--to feel that there's always--well, all THIS," and I looked
round the room, "to come back to."
of 'all this'?"
without. But I only said I'd SEE if I could give him one. And I have
seen, haven't I?"
corner.
happily. "Now let's talk about Christmas."
III.--ANOTHER MILESTONE
just had a birthday."
I'd bought a cricketing set for you, but I had to send it back to
have the bails sawn in two. Or would you rather have had a bicycle?"
altogether."
landmark. I'm what they call getting on."
that you don't LOOK any older than you did last week--"
settled herself comfortably in her chair. "Make it as horrible as
you can," she begged.
youth is leaving me, because of the strange and terrible things
which I find myself doing."
tell you this. It's too awful."
Last Monday I suddenly found myself reading carefully and with every
sign of interest a little pamphlet on--LIFE INSURANCE!"
became very grave.
life."
was the writing on the wall."
to sink in.
afternoon one wasn't quite responsible, that sometimes one was only
half awake. But on Tuesday morning I was horrified to discover
myself--before breakfast--DOING DUMB-BELLS!"
eyes.
ten lunges--"
oil-cloth, lunging away--lunging and lunging and--" I stopped and
gazed into the fire again.
warning notes which all mean the same thing. Yesterday I went into
the bank, to get some money. As I began to fill in the cheque
Conscience whispered to me, 'That's the third five pounds you've had
out this week.'"
happening. This morning I answered a letter by return of post. And
did you notice what occurred only just now at tea?"
muffins."
lumps of sugar in each cup. I actually stopped you when you were
putting the fourth lump in. Oh yes," I said bitterly, "I am getting
on."
to-"
keep you young."
young. And I used to say, 'I'll insure my life SOME day'; but now I
think about doing it to-day. When once you stop saying 'some day'
you're getting old, you know."
Crimea. Not now," she went on quickly, "because you're going to do
something very silly in a moment, if I can think of it--something
to convince yourself that you are still quite young."
like that. I'm SO sorry; father and I would love it, of course."
nice things?"
trying directly. What about blacking my face and calling on the
Vicar for a subscription?"
idiotic thing I could possibly do."
Middleton's father says it belongs to him, and this idea is fostered
to the extent that he is allowed to pay for the seeds and cuttings
and things. He is also encouraged to order the men about. But I
always think of it as Miss Middleton's garden, particularly when the
afternoons are hot and I see nothing but grimy bricks out of my
window. She knows all the flowers by name, which seems to me rather
remarkable.
" to see the lobretias; don't say that they are out. I mean, of
course, do say that they are out."
heard of them. What are they like?"
say, 'That's a nice lobretia.' Dash it, you've got a garden, you
ought to know."
flower--not yet. Perhaps somebody will invent it now they've got the
name."
" Bother."
for a subscription for the band. Surely you can think of SOME excuse
for being here."
ourselves, it is one of the reasons why I came. I thought you might
like to hear all the latest news. Er--we've started strawberries in
London."
all, what ARE strawberries? Let's talk about something else. Do you
know that this is going to be the greatest season of history? I've
got a free pass to the Earl's Court Exhibition, so I shall be right
in the thick of it."
busy we were at the Abbey; we hadn't time for anything else."
I've had a thousand things to do."
putting up for it. I suppose you have to swear to do one kind action
to a sardine everyday. Let's both join, and then we shall probably
get a lot of invitations."
Middleton anxiously.
should think a Vice-President of the Sardine Defence League could go
anywhere."
splendid. I must remember to send you a postcard to-morrow."
difficult in a horizontal position to drink without spilling
anything, and it looks so bad to go about covered with tea.
working hours consists of two broken windows and fifty square feet
of brick? It's not enough. It's not what I call a vista. On fine
days I have to go outside to see whether the sun is shining."
You'll never be a Mayor."
knew more about gardens. Tell me all about yours. When are the
raspberries ripe?"
the end of June--one day when I'm not at Earl's Court? You can give
all the gardeners a holiday that day. I hate to be watched when I'm
looking at flowers and things."
Summer. On a sloshy day in November, as I grope my way through the
fog, I say to myself, 'Courage, the raspberries will soon be ripe.'"
listening for all through November. I heard it in April this year."
see the lobretias as to hear the cuckoo that I came to have tea with
you. I feel just the same about it; it's the beginning of
everything. And I said to myself, 'Miss Middleton may not have a
first-rate show of lobretias, because possibly it is an unfavourable
soil for them, or they may not fit in with the colour scheme; but
she does know what is essential to a proper garden, and she'll have
a cuckoo.'"
thought it might make you nervous, and so I've been talking of other
things. But now that the secret is out, I may say that I am quite
ready." I stopped and listened intently with my head on one side.
was in Hampshire. The cuckoos here are always a bit late. You see,
our garden takes a little finding. It isn't so well known in--in
Africa, or wherever they come from--as Hampshire."
to hear."
me who you think ought to play for England. I can't make it more
summery for you than that. Unless roses are any good?"
best. We can't all have cuckoos any more than we can all have
lobretias. I must come again in August, when one of the pioneers may
have struggled here. Of course in Hampshire--"
Lieutenant."
time."
prepared to welcome the summer.
EPILOGUE
what to think. It happened on the first day of spring (do you
remember it? A wonderful day), and on the first of spring all sorts
of enchantments may happen.
She in it. He was Reginald, a fine figure of a man. She was Dorothy,
rather a dear. I was beginning in a roundabout sort of way with the
weather, and the scenery, and the birds, and how Reginald was
thinking of the spring, and how his young fancy was lightly turning
to thoughts of love, when suddenly--
housekeeper about something. In three minutes I was back again; and
I had just dipped my pen in the ink, when there came a cough from
the direction of the sofa--and there, as cool as you please, were
sitting two persons entirely unknown to me....
have I the--what did you--"
just--just thinking of you. How are you?"
this is Dorothy. She's sick of it too."
don't meet till the next paragraph. If you wouldn't mind taking a
seat, I shan't be a moment."
looking so dignified, because I only thought of you ten minutes ago,
and if you're not careful I shall change your name to Harold. You're
Reginald, and you're going to meet Dorothy in the next paragraph,
and you'll flirt with her mildly for about two columns. And at the
end, I expect--no, I am almost sure, that you will propose and be
accepted."
You're at least a paragraph ahead of me."
what you like, but I am always the same person week after week."
chap."
you as you imagine yourself to be."
Phyllis."
to Millicent."
George!"
called George."
month with me. Well now, what's your complaint?"
hero and heroine every week, but you're mistaken. We are always the
same; and, personally, I am tired of proposing week after week to
the same girl."
Just the very slightest something.
person?"
fondly imagine you are."
The hero of my own stories, indeed! Myself idealized--then I suppose
you think you're rather a fine fellow?" I sneered.
I'm nothing of the sort. And I suppose Dorothy is me, too?"
little closer to her.
that we're sick of getting engaged every week."
took up my pen. "Say the word," I said to Dorothy.
ass. And if you think so too--"
looked up only Dorothy was there....
" It's Dorothy this week, and last week it was Phyllis, and the week
before--"
see her again."
again, and I drew a line through Dorothy, and then I looked up
questioningly at her, and...
You'll recognize it, because he is called Harold, and she is called
Lucy. At the end of the second column he proposes and she accepts
him. Lucy--of all names! It serves them right.